nairalanders pls help, my mind is in disarray and my heart is in shreds.
i have this guy, whom i really care for, i've even grown to love him. it's been less than 4 mos that we've been dating, yet into the 1st month he'd already begun telling me "i love u". this frightened me b/c in the past, i've had guys tell me they love me so fast, then things ended up disastrously. he continued to tell me almost daily, until i demanded he stop. u know, most girls love by what they hear and i didn't want him to make me fall 4 him b/c he kept saying those magical words to me. he never tried to sleep with me, just held and spent time w/ me and i felt he was a wonderful guy. aside from work and school, i took up all of his time and i felt secure with him, i even initiated the sexual aspect of our relationship once we got 2gether.
when i 1st started talking to him, b4 we got involved like that, he'd told me he wanted to be married by age 31; he was wks shy of his 30th bday. this struck me as odd b/c he didn't have a g/f, most guys date someone 4 periods of time b4 deciding to marry them, not declare a date despite not even having anyone. i thought 'wow, what a dream' b/c most guys (in this country anyway) practically get dragged down the aisle lol.
now i'm not so sure. now idk if he wants to marry just to stay in this country. the more time we spent, the more frequently he spoke of marrying me next year, babies and stuff. we've spent time w/ his young cousins and i could see how he adores children and would be a great father. but was he meaning what he was saying? he's shown me in many of his actions that he cares 4 me, but how could he love me so fast and want to marry me? although he'd known of me 4 like 8 mos, only about half of that was spent actually getting to know me. he told me he'd been admiring and liking me from afar b4 then. is it a nigerian thing, or am i being bamboozled? graduation is approaching, and he keeps saying he wants to marry me after then. the way i've always fantasized it, i'd have an engagement ring, there'd be an element of surprise, not just talks of it, like it's a business arrangement. could that be what it is to him? recently i discovered that he's here on a student visa and it expires when he's done w/ school so i guess then he must return to nigeria, or be here illegally? unless he's married to an american, or sponsored by a company?? also found out that he used someone else's info 4 the job he has (w/ permission), b/c he cannot work while here on a student visa, or some confusing thing like that?
my heart hurts b/c i do love him, even though i've never told him. word has floated to my ears that he's using me to gain citizenship, but she's american like me, so from a nigerian aspect, what do u guys think? thanx a mill.

This is a very tough call. You obviously love this guy but you are unsure of his intentions due to his immigration status. When you say you discovered he's in the US on a student visa, you don't say if he told you or if some one else did. You need to talk with him if you are getting all this info from a 3rd party. Two things bother me; you said he wants to get married before 31 but the relationship history does not add up as you figured. That suggests to me that he might be working to a time table to get married before his visa runs out. By the way this does not make him a bad person, but he needs to come clean with you.
The other thing is if he really loves you, he should consider other options to remain in the US and not scheme to use his relationship with you as a tool to get a green card off you. As a student, he is allowed to work and he really should be looking for a company to sponsor him. He should also be speaking to an attorney. My buddies have gone down the company sponsoring route. It is a long route, but does work. Given the current economic conditions in USA, getting a company sponsor may be a bit difficult, not impossible. If it is true as you claim, he definitely should not be using some one else's details to be working. That smells very fishy, but you deserve a truthful explanation from him and you should ask him.
I would suggest you draw up a list of all the things bothering you about the whole show. Have a frank 1-2-1 talk with him, put your cards on the table and ask him all the questions that are bothering you. Listen to his explanations, consider and then make up your mind.
You also need to ask him and ask yourself some tough questions. Such as how far are you prepared to go for him if his visa happens to runs out? Would he be prepared to return to Nigeria to reapply to come back as you guys are in a relationship? What if he is unable to come back, what will you do? Are you prepared to support such an application or even go to Nigeria to assist him if necessary, keeping in mind that you going there would not necessarily guarantee that he will get a visa back to the US? Do you have the finances to do this?

Short term answer : - You may not want to commit to anything in a rush until you have a clear picture. Don't let sweet talk sway your focus because you want a wedding and want to be swept off your feet romantically with a ring on a finger after graduation. As one of my buddies once said, don't fall in love, stand in love and keep common sense.

@ Adetina My apologies. In the US foreign students are not allowed to work, except for practical training, for which approval from INS is required. This means your guy is not allowed to work. Some categories of students (F-1), may accept practical training employment or outside college part-time employment after having been in the USA and having status for nine months. F-1 category students also need to apply for INS approval for outside college employment and for practical training after graduation. As your guy is probably not allowed to work, he is working undercover using some one else's details but he has to explain to you why he has to do that. But you do know that is because he is a category M1/F-1 student. Your guy needs to get an employer, prove loyalty before the employer can help him apply for an H1B visa category which is the work permit visa. All that also takes a lot of time. Wish you the best.

@adetina

Avoid anything that is not straight. go the plain way.

I am not saying he doesnt care about you (love, i mean)but i query the depth.
From the facts you gave my 6th sense is smelling[b] a very big rat[/b].
Have a one-on-one with him and while you are at it:process the info you get with not just your heart but your brain cos the heart is not so smart!

If for any reason you have some doubts, give it some more time to be sure.

It's your citizenship.

Lmao@ magical words. Women ehn, Oy veh!

If you were from Nigeria and was in the United States, wouldn't you do

everything in your power to stay here? Hes telling you everything you want to hear

so he can eventually sweet talk you and charm you into making the biggest mistake of your life.

Do NOT marry this man. . . .matter of fact, I would cool things way down and then just

take a look at this reaction to that. He'll either turn on the charm even more or start looking

for another naive victim.

People can be very charming and persuasive when they want somethg so look deeper into

his intentions.If something doesnt feel right to you,tune into that because intuition is our strongest

sense that tells us that smthg is right or wrong.

Looks desperate to me, normally men drag their feet when it comes to Marriage. Be careful you dont have a baby by him if not whoops his got you. Times are hard and people are desperate to stay in the US and will do whatever they have to do to stay. He probably already has a wife and 4kids back in Nigeria. Be wise hun, be very wise.

Ebonyeyes:

Looks desperate to me, normally men drag their feet when it comes to Marriage. Be careful you dont have a baby by him if not whoops his got you. Times are hard and people are desperate to stay in the US and will do whatever they have to do to stay. He probably already has a wife and 4kids back in Nigeria. Be wise hun, be very wise.

My thoughts exactly.

And if you think the family wont lie about his true martial status then i will have to respectfully tell you that they will.

they will lie to you face so that he can get his papers and then start to sponsor them to come over.

great! another akata katakata is here with the typical sob stories.

H2O2:

great! another akata katakata is here with the typical sob stories.

i tire!
poster,drop pali na

@poster,the best thing is to ask him the negative things you heard about him,the reply would the answer to your question but do you know majority of students travelling abroad to study end up getting married and living happily with thier wife.

tuff call, babes!!! he might be sincere, altho he does sound a lil desperate to moi. that said, im assuming u were born out here to african parents and as such are not entirely used to their (africans') style. i have come to notice that both nigerian men and women (that were raised out there) are usually quite aggressive when pursuing a relationship and are very quick to blurt out the words "i love you" very early in a relationship. i've had this done to me, i've seen it done to my sisters. its just their style, i guess, and they dont know how scary it is to hear those words 2 hrs into a relationship.  my advice to u would be to play it cool and be mad easy about it so as not to jump into nothing that'll be regretted later on. goodluck

You have to take your time. Only you can find out if he wants to marry you just for papers or strictly for love. Listen to the advice of your folks on this matter too as they are older and wiser.

hmmm, , 1st month and he's mentioning the L word, suspicious yes but i've seen guys like that. (they girl made them feel wonderful and all that) but on the other hand he's 30, a guy at this age must be experience with relationships (except he was a father) and known the game especially a NIGERIAN guy

you need ask him about his past relationships (but in a coy and solemn way now)

The marriage talk doesn't suprise me, any guy at his age would be looking to get married, the dawn has drawn on them. But usually
pressure from parents or friends though OR paper expiring soon

The information that you found out about him, i mean the student visa and working status, i think you should
discuss it with him. ask most importantly how he plan to remain in the country? (listen carefully to this answer)

Another way to test him is to lie to him that you want to go back to Nigeria, marry there, work there permanently, made up a fantasy living
there, then watch how he reacts. if he wants you for your citizenship, he will heaven & earth to change your mind or leave u
But if he loves you as he always said, he wouldn't mind.


this can be real or not, outcome of the above will determine that

Adetina hi


its sounds as if your really happy with this guy and the way he makes you feel But having said that I think its you thats edging your bets with [b]him[/b there doesnt appear to be any generosity of spirit on your behalf if you truly care for him & noticed I used the word care which is the basis for " Love"

If you truly care for him why not live for the moment and just give the guy his papers as a gift and marry him without expectation!!! all you need to know is how you feel and if your willing to put the effort into the marriage and he is too. who knows it could work out.

But if it doesnt you need to remember that [b]you[b] married this man because you were in love with him.
and papers or no papers you cant always weigh & measure where loves concerned sometimes a marriage will last & sometimes it doesnt.

But I wish all the very best!

@OP
What about his friends? You often get a truer picture of someone by evaluating the company they keep.
You knwo what they say, Birds of a feather . . . . . . . .

biina:

@OP
What about his friends? You often get a truer picture of someone by evaluating the company they keep.
You knwo what they say, Birds of a feather . . . . . . . .

yeah but  she's not marrying his friends is she?  she's marrying him  she needs to be sure how she feels about him becos lets face it he cld have some really nice friends but be the worst of the bunch.

She needs to make her mind up. based on her feelings and nothing else " the fairy tale" isnt guaranteed
a lot of the time it takes real commitment by both parties & has to be worked at.

mailia:

yeah but  she's not marrying his friends is she?  she's marrying him  she needs to be sure how she feels about him becos lets face it he cld have some really nice friends but be the worst of the bunch.

She needs to make her mind up. based on her feelings and nothing else " the fairy tale"  isnt guaranteed
a lot of the time it takes real commitment by both parties &  has to be worked at.

The margin between people and their friends is not that much.
If she is questioning his sincerity in asking for marriage, then how is friends have handled similar situations might help e.g. has any of his friends married wives with favorable immigration status on short notice.

That she loves the guy (or not) is secondary, with primary concern being if the guy is honest and if his intentions are honorable.

i think the best advice i can give to any women livin abroad is not to marry someone w/o papers

the monkeys will do anything to get it

its like pure gold to them

they dont give a shizz abt u!!

more than 3 yrs now, The poster would have forgotten she has a post like this

It's probably from you.

lyfe:

more than 3 yrs now, The poster would have forgotten she has a post like this

lool i actually just realised!!! soz

cant he apply for residency, or cos he loves u, u think he is taking advantage of u,
if he didnt u will complain plus wetin do white girl?him no fit marry that one?
hiss