I am a married woman for 11 years now and have two beautiful and intelligent daughters. They are the sunshine of my life. Incidentally I am also a very educated woman anticipating to get a Phd in the next year or so. I have a decent job as a lecturer in a private university. I met my husband 12 years ago before I even made some of these achievements in life. I was studying for my 1st degree when we met. He by that time was employed in an engineering company. Education-wise I am more educated than him since he has only a diploma in engineering, he is a very bright and intelligent person which was one thing that attracted me to him since we had these very interesting conversations.

These are some of the things that he has done to me that really make me want to end this relationship and I really feel fed-up to this point.

1. He has been unfaithful to me and I have caught him twice. The second time he ended up beating me into a pulp and I tell you I find that very hard to forgive.

2. He is very lazy. He does not want to do anything to improve our lives at all and this has been going on for over 8 years now. He would rather sit down and browse the internet the whole day than spend quality time with his children.

The list can go on but I am getting so frustrated as time goes on. I have not finished the whole story but I need guidance here,

I do not know what you are going through, because I have never been in your shoes. I can understand your frustration though.

Should you end it? Hmm, quite a question and a tough thing to do. If after 11 years, you have completely had enough, then I am sure you know what to do.

Have you guys tried counseling? You did not state your location. If you are in Nigeria, I do not know who you can go to or how couple counseling works over there. I am sure you have talked to God about this, so no need telling you to do so.

Honestly, it is hard. To remain married and smile like nothing ever happened or to leave and try to pick one's life over again? The choice is yours. Explore all other options first, and let divorce/separation be the last resort.

Take care.

bimkubwa:

I1. He has been unfaithful to me and I have caught him twice. The second time he ended up beating me into a pulp and I tell you I find that very hard to forgive.

Yet you stayed with him anyway. Good way to set an example for your daughters that it's fine to stay in an abusive relationship.

Not sure why you even bothered to post this here, all you're gonan get is alot of lame people telling you to "pray about it"

@poster,
watchout for that guy. You can help him change and you can aggravate your situation. As a man, I can guess a bit of what is happening to him. I would not ask you to get out immediately but I would have to know a little more before recommending such a drastic solution.

1. Can you tell us why he suddenly transformed to a beast from an angel you used to know? What are your suspicious? Are you the cause, and what triggered his change of affection? Let me tell you why I am asking you this. Every action of a man must have a motivating factor. Positive or negative. It is not possible for a man to change a habit without some sort of catalytic events. A gentle man can't become a devil overnighu unless he is under a demonic possession or potent curse.

2. Why had he, in spite of his intellectual endowment refused to improve on himself? What effort did you make to persuade him to develop his ability?

3. Was he like this before or after your first child?

4. Have you ever "communicated" (not "discussed" with him and what was his reaction?

Please give honest reply.

hi lady,

I think marriage is for better for worse or have you forgotten the oath you took.
pls don't ever think of divorce becos it will not make you happier nor will it help the upbringing of your daughters , think about your daughters, thank God for good job you can take care of them and give them a good future.

And your husband will not always remain like that, just don't give up on him, people change and he can change, change your attitude about him, just imagine if he's not there, life will go on.

Give him more time, men has ego and he may be threaten by your advancement or career wise but with assurance and love from you, he can change and cooperate with you. don't let him think you re not the woman he married or that you re now more sophisticated than before - the whole problem may be insecurity, be nice to him, rekindle his ego and redirect it to spark your home back to life.

Sometimes we men find it hard to handle career successes & upliftment of our spouses except some that have high self esteem & maturity, you need to realise that he has ego and except he sees humulity in you he will contineu to misbehave as a way to get back to you in frustration, not that he enjoys what he's doing, its just frustration.

I believe with your education and learning you can help him but if you want to show that with your level as lecturer you don't take any shit from any man then he will rather die than change that is the way men are made, he will die for his ego and honour. You can be a lecturer at work and ride shoulder high with men and men can even be at your call and becon but be a submissive wife at home, that s what makes the home work not the level of education, no other secret, remember you re not a lecturer at home but a wife. If it take phd and professorial title for home to work then probably professors would ve had the best of home but it is not.

Please love and submit to him, he's your husband, a home without an husband is like a house without a roof. I know i may sound old fashion here but marriage is also an old fashion institution and thrives on old fashion values, that's why this institution suffers again and again as society advances and children are the worst for it.

Look inward and examine yourself, pls be humble, let him see you as that woman he married eleven years ago, and by the way he was not like that when you married him, which means something is wrong somewhere and i guess it is with both of you and not him alone. He used to be intelligent and bright, he's still the same person just work at your home and everythung will be alright.
If you need more advise, reach me on Segunusaid07@yahoo.com

Remain blessed.

He was cheating on her and when she caught him he added insult to injury by beating her up. That's unforgiveable. Before we start misinforming you, can you tell us why you married him in the first place? Was he different then? My feeling is that this relationship can be saved but that's because I believe it did not start this way. Am I right?

I agreed with you segun. You've said it all especially on the insecurity. That is actually the likely problem and I believe the poster must have been a factor in strenghtening her husband insecurity. She can't treat her husband as her student and still expect a faithful husband. My guess is that the husband is silently seaching for replacement hence his infidelity. If the poster want to go, am sure the husband would not stand in her way if in his heart, he believe it is best decision. 11 years in a long way. Children are involved. I think the poster must indeed search her heart and identify what went wrong the first step toward solving any problem is to locate the root.

I agreed with you segun. You've said it all especially on the insecurity. That is actually the likely problem and I believe the poster must have been a factor in strenghtening her husband insecurity. She can't treat her husband as her student and still expect a faithful husband. My guess is that the husband is silently seaching for replacement hence his infidelity. If the poster want to go, am sure the husband would not stand in her way if in his heart, he believe it is best decision. 11 years in a long way. Children are involved. I think the poster must indeed search her heart and identify what went wrong the first step toward solving any problem is to locate the root.

I wouldn't be so quick to heap the blame on the poster. The husband has no right to "search for her replacement".

Plz leave the fool whilst you can still walk or instead of coming online go back to your parents home, it might be longer before a fresh man comes for you because you are fairly used already but a better man more informed about how fragile a woman his should come sooner rather than latter. wife or husband battering are cruelty to be frown upon, walk away now,

Why did you say that seun?

@poster,

There will always be one problem or the other in marriage, i guess that's why the assertion "for better for worse" is added whenever couples are being joined together and infidelity is surely one of such.
While i will distance myself from beaten a woman but the truth is fighting, cheating, financial problems etc are things that every home will have to pass through at one time or the other, but i dare say here that they are not enough to terminate a marriage.

people give dog a bad name to hang it, but if you give a dog a good name, i am sure it can live up to that name.

I challenge you to do what you used to do at the begining of your relationship and see if you will not ve that wonderful man back inyour arms.

Love and adore him, call him good and sweet names and he will live up to it.

He's the father of your daughters, that makes him part of you forever.

Pls don't end this MARRIAGE

Hi Bimkubwa,

i guess u live in kubwa lol,

what u really need is couselling,where there is no trust in marraige then there is trouble thats what the devil needs to enter your home,i plead with you not to allow it.

You can mail me then we can chat.I tell u divorce is not the answer neither is it what God recommens.

Have faith in God,sis

Dear poster,
They i've said it all calm down and reason well don't be in a haste to do anything now because time i believe is the healer of all wounds.
Above all prayer is the solution to every problem Just commite in prayers always believing that God can change him.
BE PATIENCE.

Yeah be patient until the devil in him smack one of your eyes out, that is how powerful a man hold on a woman can be, don't let him get away with beating you again, you can forgive any other misdemeanors but abuse and beating too many a time will damage you for ever, your self esteem as the best thing created by God will be shattered, you will never understand why, the love making will never be sweet again it will be like the cycle of pain he inflicts. get out when all your body parts are still intact. XXXX

In a relationship, it takes two to do everything: To tango, tangle, quarrel, fight, and to have a misunderstanding.
There is seldom any case where one party takes all the blame. Both parties usually have a part to play.
While the poster has given us a picture of her husbands misdemeanors, we have heard nothing of her actions in the marriage. All we have heard is her nice qualifications, her wonderful kids etc. What role did she play in her marriage?
Only pigs will trample a pearl, men will not, because we all know the value of a true gem.
If the poster is perfect, then her marriage will be. If not then she is not, and for us to be of any use in giving advise, we must know the true picture.
So these are the questions I would like to ask the poster:
What role did you play in the degeneration of your marriage?
HOw have you tried to save your marriage?

I am not trying to justify her husband, he has a lot to atone for, I'm only trying to see the other side of the coin.
(Seun, I think you are to hasty in putting the entire blame on the husband)

I really do not understand the kinds of females Nigeria is turning out these days. 

@poster

You are actually looking for "guidance" after 11 years of marriage?--What have you been doing all these 11 years?  All I can do is wonder at you with your level of educaton.  Please do not teach those daughters of yours this nonsense you are practicing in your marriage so they end up as "doormats" in some irresponsible men's hands!  In 2008?

What did your mother teach you about marriage? --Or did you just run away and get married?  Did you have aunts, sisters and so on--successfully married famales in your families?  Please go and ask them how they coped with these kinds of situations.

Please ladies and gentlemen if you cannot take care of marital issues--do no get married at all!  Some of you do not meet the basic requirements and that is "common sense 001"!

I personally, have nothing to advice you on--you deal with your mess! You never tell a deaf man that there is a war going on.  When he sees others running for cover, he too will run without asking questions!

Rubbish!

hello,

i really do not think anyone telling you to leave means well for you, please thats my feeling.
you have been married for 12years i hope am right, with two kids, common you have endured half of the journey already or do i say 35%, you can do more.

i do not think a divorce will solve the problem.
i need you to consider the following:

1. your daughters: they will go with you? you really have to bring them up nd well at that otherwise some bastards will capitalise on the advantage of the broken home and you will become more miserable.

2. when you end the marriage, do you intend to remarry? leaving the house for a while i guess is the best bet but i will say not for too long so you dont come and meet another pregnant lady.

did you say twice unfaithful husband, thats small, just give him space, he will get tired sooner, but you need to be very enduring and prayerful, still do the nice things you ve been doing, the only thing is that you may have to take up some of his responsibilities in the home.

take care.

almondjoy:

I really do not understand the kinds of females Nigeria is turning out these days.  

@poster

You are actually looking for "guidance" after 11 years of marriage?--What have you been doing all these 11 years?  All I can do is wonder at you with your level of educaton.  Please do not teach those daughters of yours this nonsense you are practicing in your marriage so they end up as "doormats" in some irresponsible men's hands!  In 2008?

What did your mother teach you about marriage? --Or did you just run away and get married?  Did you have aunts, sisters and so on--successfully married famales in your families?  Please go and ask them how they coped with these kinds of situations.

Please ladies and gentlemen if you cannot take care of marital issues--do no get married at all!  Some of you do not meet the basic requirements and that is "common sense 001"!

I personally, have nothing to advice you on--you deal with your mess! You never tell a deaf man that there is a war going on.  When he sees others running for cover, he too will run without asking questions!

Rubbish!

i think it is really unfair to judge the woman just like that. so what if she has put up with it for 11 years? that is a sign of willpower to make something work out of her marriage, not necessarily stupidity. i can only pray for that kind of strength.

on the other hand i believe that there is no excuse for a man beating a woman. such a man is an animal and doesnt deserve a wife in the first place. even if she has attitude issues because her pay is higher, it should make him work harder, not turn him into a beast.

@ poster
have you spoken with relatives close to him? is it normal for him to behave this way? i suspect he may have been putting up a show to 'get you into his house'. now he has achieved that, he drops the pretense. there is nothing God cant do. He holds the heart of kings and princes in His hands, how much less this vagabond you are married to.

but i would suggest that you leave him, and hold your fasting and prayer for him during the separation where you will have peace of mind. when God brings him to his senses, you will know. and at that time, give in to the Spirit and forgive him. just be sure that he has truly changed

@Olanajim

It is a pity that a woman is blamed for her own wrong doing and also for the wrong doing of her husband.

"I believe the poster must have been a factor in strenghtening her husband insecurity. She can't treat her husband as her student and still expect a faithful husband. My guess is that the husband is silently seaching for replacement hence his infidelity"

Haba!!!! you already know that from the information provided by the poster? Na wa o

When a woman is raped, it is quickly said that she must have asked for it by dressing/behaving in a particular manner, a woman covered in from head to toe was raped in Saudi Arabia and the authorities decided to give her some strokes of the cane for talking to a male stranger in the first place.

Maybe if Olanajim was there, he would have asked them to double the number of the strokes!

all this perpetual advice to pray is what makes people atheists.

haven't any of you spirtual warriors heard that heaven helps those who help themselves?

@ poster - based on what you've said, you have the one of the most important things a nigerian woman requires - financial independence. there is absolutely no need for your husband to take you for granted. you do realize that he may be taking out his frustsrations ( you imply that he has been static and shiftless) on you?

Leave .it seems you are the family breadwinner. Personally i do not expect your husband to change.all the literature i've ever come across on wife beaters indicates that it escalates over time.

most men, when caught in the act, immediately start begging, kneeling down,  and claiming 'the devil made me do it'.some may try to pass stonewall.  But a man whose reaction is to beat you up - RUN!!!

almondjoy:

I really do not understand the kinds of females Nigeria is turning out these days.  

@poster

You are actually looking for "guidance" after 11 years of marriage?--What have you been doing all these 11 years?  All I can do is wonder at you with your level of educaton.  Please do not teach those daughters of yours this nonsense you are practicing in your marriage so they end up as "doormats" in some irresponsible men's hands!  In 2008?

What did your mother teach you about marriage? --Or did you just run away and get married?  Did you have aunts, sisters and so on--successfully married famales in your families?  Please go and ask them how they coped with these kinds of situations.

Please ladies and gentlemen if you cannot take care of marital issues--do no get married at all!  Some of you do not meet the basic requirements and that is "common sense 001"!

I personally, have nothing to advice you on--you deal with your mess! You never tell a deaf man that there is a war going on.  When he sees others running for cover, he too will run without asking questions!

Rubbish!

i think it is really unfair to judge the woman just like that. so what if she has put up with it for 11 years? that is a sign of willpower to make something work out of her marriage, not necessarily stupidity. i can only pray for that kind of strength.

on the other hand i believe that there is no excuse for a man beating a woman. such a man is an animal and doesnt deserve a wife in the first place. even if she has attitude issues because her pay is higher, it should make him work harder, not turn him into a beast.

@ poster
have you spoken with relatives close to him? is it normal for him to behave this way? i suspect he may have been putting up a show to 'get you into his house'. now he has achieved that, he drops the pretense. there is nothing God cant do. He holds the heart of kings and princes in His hands, how much less this vagabond you are married to.

but i would suggest that you leave him, and hold your fasting and prayer for him during the separation where you will have peace of mind. when God brings him to his senses, you will know. and at that time, give in to the Spirit and forgive him. just be sure that he has truly changed. the Lord is your strength!

@almondjoy
Quite a handfull u posted here, u forgot that good dreams can turn sour in the middle of it? Your judgement is rather too hash.

@ the poster
The 1st point u made is quite disheartening, being unfaithful and then battering you. Were there tell-tale signs of these in the beginning which u probably overlooked because of love? If they were there, u probably married a womanizer. if  not, may be there are things u used to do initially that u have neglected, in that case i'll suggest u go back to ur first love.

The 2nd one is that you said he browses all day long. does that mean he lost his job? (u did not clarify). How come two of u did not work out a plan for him to upgrade his education for over ten years, knowing what educational qualifications have become in Nigeria.
you said he is quite intelligent and lazy? i don't understand that combination

@iceblue and cecegorz--

Yes, the so-called dreams can "sour'.  Then what do you do?   Marinate your self in the "sour sauce"? Ready for Holiday barbecue I suppose?   You have to learn to change with the times!  I will tolerate infidelity first before I tolerate domestic violence.  Any man or woman who put up with domestic violence is a fool. 

Please do not make excuses for any domestically abused spouse!  How can I be married for 11 years and end up in this kind of situation without getting the hell OUT!   With 2 daughters watching all this mess?  For my own sanity, I have to get out.  Do you think only one person has monopoly over violence?

It might just get into me one of these days and out of un-Godly acrimony I might just kill this man ---pour acid all over him or burn him to death after poisoning his food-- while he is asleep---and render my children fatherless?  Not out of fear--but to maintain enormous self control over the "hate" I have for this guy--I HAVE TO GO!  I SAY I HAVE TO GO AND FAST---before I commit murder and end up in jail for the rest of my life thereby rendering my poor daughters "orphans"!

The hatred I would have for that guy will know no bounds!  What?   And some stupid women will keep sleeping with these devils of men in the name "religion" and fasting and praying!  Having more children too.  I just don't get it!  Domestic violence is a viscious cycle and the last thing I would do in this world is to let a man drag me to that level.  Because--heh!  It could get very ugly.  He might just be the one to end up dead first!

Please you guys should be serious.  11 years is not 11 days!  I am not judging her.  I just want her to use all that education she has got and make the best decision for those 2 girls she has.  I really do not care about the poster, since she has decided to tolerate and "persevere".  The main problem I have is raising those two girls in an abusive environment.  Any woman--I repeat any woman that encourages that must be very evil!  If you do not think of yourself please think of your kids and the kind of legacy you are passing unto them.

With all the education? In 2008!

oyb:

all this perpetual advice to pray is what makes people atheists.

haven't any of you spirtual spiritual heard that heaven helps those who help themselves?

@ poster - based on what you've said, you have the one of the most important things a nigerian woman requires - financial independence. there is absolutely no need for your husband to take you for granted. you do realize that he may be taking out his frustsrations ( you imply that he has been static and shiftless) on you?

Leave .it seems you are the family breadwinner. Personally i do not expect your husband to change.all the literature i've ever come across on wife beaters indicates that it escalates over time.

most men, when caught in the act, immediately start begging, kneeling down,  and claiming 'the devil made me do it'.some may try to pass stonewall.  But a man whose reaction is to beat you up - RUN!!!

Thank you very much! What rubbish!  All in the name of answering Mrs. Punching bag!  If there is anything I hate with a passion--it is domestic violence.  Anyone that will abusively put his or her hands on you does not consider you a human being.   If all you came into this world is to be a "pet goat" to some goat farmer--then please stay there and enjoy.  All in the name of marriage!!!  Just get those children out of there--and stay with the beast--to preserve your marriage and carry your cerificate to heaven when he eventually sends you there--to see your God!!!!!

I wonder why when wife abuse is discussed, majority of men are always adivising the lady to stay, while the women on the other hand advise the contrary.

I am afraid to say that these men who are talking like this are the ones that are likely to abuse their wives too.

Nihil-ce-M:

I wonder why when wife abuse is discussed, majority of men are always adivising the lady to stay, while the women on the other hand advise the contrary.

I am afraid to say that these men who are talking like this are the ones that are likely to abuse their wives too.

cudnt have said it better marriage is NOT by force.you have a good job and two lovely daughters so i wonder what you are waiting for.LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE

Nobody can give you good advice on this except yourself, so be truthful to yourself and act. Close your eyes on what the society will say or call you. You are yourself dont deceive yourself.  You can go for councilling if you have to but to tell you the gosple truth no one is there with you, inside you body and cell, you know how far you can go. Eleven year is a long time and you are lucky to have survive this far and am sure it will be in pain.  I dont  know what religion you belong to but almost every religion frown on a woman being alone without being in a husband house even the society frown on it but the good news is that Almighty God does not frown on it. I am a bible believing person and i can recomment a xtian book for your reading if interested reply and i will post the title tomorow i dont have it at hand here. If you believe in Bible, mind me if you dont but this will help you not feel guilty no matter the decision you make
1. God made woman to help man, as help mate He called woman in Genesis
2. In the same Genesis Adam accused God of giving him a woman that made him sin against is creator
and
3. Since then God gave everybody the privilege to request whatever they want that is why it is now ASK AND IT SHALL BE GIVEN.
You are the owner of destiny not your religion, socity, friends and family but you yourself. I pray the almight GOD will grant you to make the wisdom to make the right decision, Always pray for wisdom that is what you need to survice in this evil world. No matter you decision, i wish you luck and good health. Take care of yourself.

Don't worry! Many women have gone to see God with their marriage certificates in their caskets--so this poster is well on her way. Keep fasting and praying for her to keep living with this beast of a husband. Beat who to a "pulp"?

Ur husband is having serious challenges and is finding it hard to discuss them w u.
What he has done is bad but as a woman u own d home.
Be his SOUL MATE not just a wife.change ur behaviour and cry on his shoulders,this will soften his heart towards u as he ll see u as the submissive wife he married,then u can discuss issues.if he doesnt change after this then u can consider divorce.

oyb:

all this perpetual advice to pray is what makes people atheists.

Exactluy. I had already predicted anyway that majority of the thread wioll be from idiots saying "just pray about", yes pray until you end up dead from all the beating. I wonder where all those people will be when he finally gives you a deathly blow to the head.

I wonder why when wife abuse is discussed, majority of men are always adivising the lady to stay, while the women on the other hand advise the contrary.

I am afraid to say that these men who are talking like this are the ones that are likely to abuse their wives too.

That is usually how it goes.

I wonder if any of the imbceiles syaing "oh just pray about it. beg your husband" would allow THEIR daughters or sisters to tolerate such rubbish from any man. Hypocritical jackasses.

@dot2002. Do u still have mo of those pictures? Looks like u got a great collection in yo hard drive. By the way are u married? I have a friend whos been praying all his life to meet a sadist with a sense of evil humour like u. Maybe I can hook u both up

Dont be shy. You can mail him on lostsouls@hothell.com. "Stake" Care. Okay.

And Hey Lest I 4get. @Poster, Pls Dissolve that Marriage b4 its too late. His Insecurity May Consume U Soon. I dont know why im saying this. But I just have bad feeling about this.

D-reloaded:

Exactluy. I had already predicted anyway that majority of the thread wioll be from idiots saying "just pray about", yes pray until you end up dead from all the beating. I wonder where all those people will be when he finally gives you a deathly blow to the head.

That is usually how it goes.

I wonder if any of the imbceiles syaing "oh just pray about it. beg your husband" would allow THEIR daughters or sisters to tolerate such rubbish from any man. Hypocritical jackasses.

Thank you father is all I can say.

Behind bobo:

your husband is having serious challenges and is finding it hard to discuss them w u.

What he has done is bad but as a woman u own d home.

Be his SOUL MATE not just a wife.

change your behaviour and cry on his shoulders,

this will soften his heart towards u as he ll

see u as the submissive wife he married,then u can discuss issues.

if he doesnt change after this then u can consider divorce.

Wonderful! In the Year of our lord 2008AD HMM!