Those who have known me since my early days on NL, know I'm very outspoken, blunt and harsh but let me say this trait didn't come out immediately. In my first relationship, for how absurd it looks like to me now, I was pretty much a naive girl dreaming of Prince Charming. I was really convinced that I was going to get married to my first boyfriend. Well he did propose, but I turned him down because I was not satisfied with the motivations behind his proposal.

Through the years, my rebellious and intolerant attitude grew stronger. Even though I didn't break up my second relationship, my ex made me feel he had no choice, because in his opinion I was too stubborn and too unemotional that sometimes he felt I didn't care about him. Well today I'm glad that he left me because that guy almost destroyed the love and esteem I had for myself. he would criticize anything and everything about me, whereas I kept quiet about all his flaws because I thought that was what being matured was all about. Despite his over criticism and the appalling fact that he was not even the type of man I wanted to be with, he was still the one to call it quits.

Now in my present state, I've grown totally intolerant and unemotional (even more than I was) towards guys and any form of relationship. Perhaps it has to do with my over analytical approach to life and people, but having understood that people do certain things because it's part of their character to act that way, the moment a guy (or even a person in general) does something I don't like I simply put a distance between us. Experience has taught me that the few times I didn't trust my instinct, I simply set myself for disaster.

I'm in early 20s and I'm starting to have guys approach me for marriage, but in part because of my character and in part because of my past experiences, I have become really harsh. Yes, I'm almost always right about the people I decide to do away with, but I'm afraid I have become too extreme, despite being fully aware that nobody is perfect.

Sometimes I think I might never get to the altar because I'll have dumped all my suitors for one reason or the other; or that if my husband develops a trait I don't like tomorrow, I might just decide to end everything because I believe that given the 7 billion people that live on this Earth, I don't have to stick to a sucker all in the name of marriage.

Please married folks, help me. Do I stop analysing people or do I continue, but play blind, deaf and dumb to those flaws that normally would make me send the person packing out of my life?

I believe with the right person, I can have the best relationship and marriage ever, but all the things I take for granted, are those things people seems to fail in most times. Wetin man pikin go do now?

I know you're in your early twenties and think you're ready for marriage. Please, take this from me: you are far from ready! Marriage is a messy, life-long game of loving and forgiving. If you're not able to forgive a man for his perceived flaws or for his mistakes, then you are setting yourself up for a string of failed marriages because one thing is certain: whoever you ultimately marry will hurt and disappoint you at some point and you'll have to forgive, forget and keep working on the marriage. If you can't handle flaws and are intolerant of mistakes, then you shouldn't be getting married to anybody.

PS - I read and re-read your post and all I can infer from it is that you're still pretty immature. You need to go out in the world on your own for a while, maybe work a little bit and try making your own money. I used to be super-blunt and harsh but life taught me lessons and now that I am older, I am humble and wise enough to know that it isn't everything that pops into my head that I must say. I also get the feeling that you have never TRULY fallen in love again after your first boyfriend. You can't be in love and be "unemotional". Go out and allow yourself to meet more young men, date a few of them and who knows, you might find one that you'll fall in love with, one that will awaken emotions you currently think you don't have. Good luck!

moremi2008: I know you're in your early twenties and think you're ready for marriage. Please, take this from me: you are far from ready! Marriage is a messy, life-long game of loving and forgiving. If you're not able to forgive a man for his perceived flaws or for his mistakes, then you are setting yourself up for a string of failed marriages because one thing is certain: whoever you ultimately marry will hurt and disappoint you at some point and you'll have to forgive, forget and keep working on the marriage. If you can't handle flaws and are intolerant of mistakes, then you shouldn't be getting married to anybody.

Thanks for repeating my original post. So what's your solution to the problem?

PS - I read and re-read your post and all I can infer from it is that you're still pretty immature. You need to go out in the world on your own for a while, maybe work a little bit and try making your own money.

Uhm, not quite sure I understand the correlation between maturity and financial independence, but if you are talking about being responsible then I agree with you. I believe maturity has to come with the ability of taking care of our responsibilities.

I used to be super-blunt and harsh but life taught me lessons and now that I am older, I am humble and wise enough to know that it isn't everything that pops into my head that I must say.

Not really. I usually avoid saying certain things because I do consider the implication of saying things. You can't take what you have already said back and you can't laugh it off with "I didn't mean it" "I was just joking", but funny enough I'm of the few people who think this way. I'm blunt when I have to be and if someone behaves rudely to me, I won't think of the implication of my words, but tell them what they need to hear to know they shouldn't speak in such manner to me again.

I also get the feeling that you have never TRULY fallen in love again after your first boyfriend. You can't be in love and be "unemotional".

I can and it's been like this now for some years. I can like/love a man without expressing these feelings. I just believe that love is a feeling that should be handled with maturity. I'm not romantic and I prefer to be reserved about my feelings for people. Besides when someone is overly emotional, they tend to act illogical. I just love Spuck from Star Trek. Emotions are the worst traits in humans.

Go out and allow yourself to meet more young men, date a few of them and who knows, you might find one that you'll fall in love with, one that will awaken emotions you currently think you don't have. Good luck!

I'm not a very outgoing person neither do I like going on date. I can stay single for as long as two years. It's not that I feel the need for a relationship, but if that ever happens, I want advice on how to handle it the proper way.

Pls, always remember that everyone got some flaws.

And, for every time you think you have a thousand reason not to tolerate a friend, remember that someone out there too got a thousand and two reasons to disassociate from you.

Life is give and take. When you give love, you get it back, when you learn to tolerate others, they would also do same to you. No single human is without flaws.

Each day, we grow in loving our spouses for who they are, not because of who we want them to be. Human are complex entities, with very few similar attributes.

Am guesin u were born btw nov n dec?

michelin89:

Thanks for repeating my original post. So what's your solution to the problem?

Uhm, not quite sure I understand the correlation between maturity and financial independence, but if you are talking about being responsible then I agree with you. I believe maturity has to come with the ability of taking care of our responsibilities.

Not really. I usually avoid saying certain things because I do consider the implication of saying things. You can't take what you have already said back and you can't laugh it off with "I didn't mean it" "I was just joking", but funny enough I'm of the few people who think this way. I'm blunt when I have to be and if someone behaves rudely to me, I won't think of the implication of my words, but tell them what they need to hear to know they shouldn't speak in such manner to me again.

I can and it's been like this now for some years. I can like/love a man without expressing these feelings. I just believe that love is a feeling that should be handled with maturity. I'm not romantic and I prefer to be reserved about my feelings for people. Besides when someone is overly emotional, they tend to act illogical. I just love Spuck from Star Trek. Emotions are the worst traits in humans.

I'm not a very outgoing person neither do I like going on date. I can stay single for as long as two years. It's not that I feel the need for a relationship, but if that ever happens, I want advice on how to handle it the proper way.

No, I didn't repeat your post. I only told you what you might not fully grasp: you can't possibly expect a happy marriage if you can't learn to live with flaws and learn to forgive. There is no solution to this besides therapy or God. You're in your twenties for chrissakes! If you can't figure out how to be more accommodating on your own, then nobody on this planet can help you. What kind of solution are you expecting that you don't already know? Are you expecting some type of manual on how to navigate basic human emotions and how to acquire basic interpersonal skills? No man wants to marry a cold fish!

Just out of curiosity, since your standards are so high and your "rational" thoughts have disqualified most of your potential suitors, what exactly are you bringing to the table? What I have read so far is very unimpressive and I can't imagine the possible grounds for your dismissiveness. Are you from money? Born and raised in Old Ikoyi? Do you have degrees from top international institutions? Work experience at a top IB, consulting firm, the world bank, Big-4 accounting or oil major? Or are you a medical doctor or a world-class scientist? What exactly makes you so freaking special? Abeg, tell us oh!

When I advised you to go live in the real world for a while, I made the tacit assumption that the real world would humble you a bit, teach you how to see human beings as the flawed creatures that they are and how to adjust your expectations accordingly. Nobody can teach you how to be forgiving and loving. If you can't do this on your own through the feedback loop of your daily experiences and interactions with other human beings, then no amount of advice on here can help you. Just remember this: lots of women start out like you, dissing every man that approaches them if that man is not perfect, hissing at this one and spitting on that one, only to later experience the desperation of 30+ spinsterhood. You better come off this nonsense "rationality" you think you have and smell the roses; your "rationality" won't marry you and keep you company! Neither would it help you build deep, lasting personal relationships with others. Again, good luck!

@Poster. Unless you treat or find help regarding your situation /condition consider yourself as a TIMEBOMB just waiting to be triggered.Believe you me it may seem that we are harsh talking to you this way but it is necessary if only to make you see reality. You do need deliverance. You may have a Spiritual Husband who doesn't want you to get married. I have seengbe countless people with your case being healed at Synagogue Church of All Nations. Hurry now to Ikotun Egbe,Lagos. .Don't RUIN a man's life for committing a BLUNDER of FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU. I HAVE SPOKEN.

Dont worry. As a Benin/Esan queen, one of them lazy Benin boys hiding behind women all over Western Europe will tolerate you. All you need to do is to work hard and make money for their lazy arzes.

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@opI guess you were born either on May or June. Just take it easy ok. You haven't seen what you want in a man yet and the main person you are to love hasn't come yet. When the right person comes, I promise you, you must totally fall in love with him and you will be asking yourself if this is truly you.

My dear michelin... you are still very very very young. When i was your age i was no different... infact till today anytime i tell my friends i have a new woman, their typical response is "yeah how many months shld we give you before you dump her for one flimsy flaw?" despite my vehement protest of having changed.

No man is going to be perfect... if you're looking for one who will never hurt you then just wait until you die because you will never find one walking this earth. Like moremi said, you have never truly fallen in love because when you do, all logical thinking flies out of the window and your sole reason for living is to make that special person happy.

Your problem is not that you are harsh, blunt or overly principled... the REAL REASON is that you are immature, selfish and unable to tolerate the faults of others while assuming you are beyond reproach (this is not an insult to you, i learnt this about me too the hard way).

Lol will you rather just marry anybody and take their nonsense attitude? The right person will come along eventually, continue to use that spirit of discernment (which is actually a blessing) to filter good from bad.

I hate it when people have flaws and they think its a major plus for them. You need to realise its not a great attitude at all. Work on yourself and see some good in others. Tolerance opens more doors than been blunt and brash. A woman must be diplomatic and careful with words even if you find a loving man. My two cents.

Thank you all for your responses, but I'm not a cold fish, just a little bit on the reserved side when emotions are involved. I agree I'm selfish and immature, but I don't think I'm better than anyone else. I'm the first to apologise when I offend someone. But the few times I have tried to forgive people, they always came up with something worse. Maybe I didn't like them at first, that's why I didn't have any problem doing away with them. Anyway time is meant to help us grow and mature. Thanks everybody!

@moremi

Haba, I'm harsh, you too are harsh. Aren't you being exactly what I'm trying to get rid off? See the way you are trying to break down my person all in the name of bringing me down to Earth. I am not perfect but that doesn't mean I must welcome anything or anybody all in the name of being accommodating. If you are unimpressed, no problem. I'm nor here to impress here because the title doesn't say I'm Afraid I'm Too Harsh To Endure The Ups & Downs Of Marriage with moremi, so abeg chill.

michelin89: Thank you all for your responses, but I'm not a cold fish, just a little bit on the reserved side when emotions are involved. I agree I'm selfish and immature, but I don't think I'm better than anyone else. I'm the first to apologise when I offend someone. But the few times I have tried to forgive people, they always came up with something worse. Maybe I didn't like them at first, that's why I didn't have any problem doing away with them. Anyway time is meant to help us grow and mature. Thanks everybody!

@moremi

Haba, I'm harsh, you too are harsh. Aren't you being exactly what I'm trying to get rid off? See the way you are trying to break down my person all in the name of bringing me down to Earth. I am not perfect but that doesn't mean I must welcome anything or anybody all in the name of being accommodating. If you are unimpressed, no problem. I'm nor here to impress here because the title doesn't say I'm Afraid I'm Too Harsh To Endure The Ups & Downs Of Marriage with moremi, so abeg chill.

LOL! I wasn't trying to break down your person. I was only trying to show you that a man can pick out your flaws and reject you too! If you expect to be tolerated, then you must learn to tolerate others! Nobody is perfect! We are all flawed human beings trying to make the best of this one, short, sweet, messy, challenging life we have been given on Earth. Nobody is asking you to throw caution to the wind! But putting up walls that are too high for anybody to scale will only serve to isolate you and make you lonely. Lower those walls a little bit and your true prince, much better than your first, will come scaling that wall to rock your world!

You are not what you think you are, but what you think, you are!

As much as its good to have high standards remember you are not infallible too.

Don't be too hard on yourself! My advise is to marry someone who can make you laugh and break down your defenses. It will be a good match but he will sometimes drive meticulous you up the wall.

Your instincts on the basic nature of people is a pot of gold, pls keep it but you need to learn tolerance because it's a virtue you will need in marriage.

Lastly you can never be totally ready for marriage you keep learning even to your last breathe.

All the best!

I will come back when my head is clear. Queensmith is just like you OP and I fear I am a more advanced male form of your persona.

maclatunji: I will come back when my head is clear. Queensmith is just like you OP and I fear I am a more advanced male form of your persona.

Come again?

@Michelin89 has to be the most intelligent, open-minded, and knowledgeable female poster on NL..

shymmex: @Michelin89 has to be the most intelligent, open-minded, and knowledgeable female poster on NL..

Oh please give me a break. Folks just misuse terms anyhow... how is she the most intelligent and knowledgeable female poster on NL? Because she espouses typical feminist claptrap?

This is where it begins. . . next you will be hearing 'I can never marry you' as if it makes a difference to your life.. . . . . .. . . . .

I simply cannot understand why most posters are saying the OP is immature. Please when did it become immature to know what you want and what u can't stand in a man. So it is bettter to act irrationally as those in love do?

Please Michelin carry on...I am a staunch follower of your method of handling men. Its just that I have resigned myself to expect not to fall in love before marriage. Once I meet a guy that has 90% of what I regard neccessary in a husband I will marry knowing that I would definitely love him someday.

A possible solution to your problem would be reducing the flaws u don't like to only the important ones like character flaws.

maryini: I simply cannot understand why most posters are saying the OP is immature. Please when did it become immature to know what you want and what u can't stand in a man. So it is bettter to act irrationally as those in love do?

Please Michelin carry on...I am a staunch follower of your method of handling men. Its just that I have resigned myself to expect not to fall in love before marriage. Once I meet a guy that has 90% of what I regard neccessary in a husband I will marry knowing that I would definitely love him someday.

A possible solution to your problem would be reducing the flaws u don't like to only the important ones like character flaws.

Dont worry, the story of women trapped in loveless marriages abound here. Hopefully you wont be adding to it a few yrs from now.

davidylan:

Dont worry, the story of women trapped in loveless marriages abound here. Hopefully you wont be adding to it a few yrs from now.

LOOL! God forbid!

The kind of love I am refering to in that statement is one which comes from sharing your life with a good person. It is bond between two people that have gone through life's ups and downs together. Not the fiery passionate ones we see in movies that causes people to behave crazily and cools down with time.

Love is an action word. It is not love if you cannot express it. Look for someone that is as practical as you are, someone that would be analysing you as you analyse him.

moremi2008:

LOL! I wasn't trying to break down your person. I was only trying to show you that a man can pick out your flaws and reject you too! If you expect to be tolerated, then you must learn to tolerate others! Nobody is perfect! We are all flawed human beings trying to make the best of this one, short, sweet, messy, challenging life we have been given on Earth. Nobody is asking you to throw caution to the wind! But putting up walls that are too high for anybody to scale will only serve to isolate you and make you lonely. Lower those walls a little bit and your true prince, much better than your first, will come scaling that wall to rock your world!

Much better. Thanks!

davidylan:

Oh please give me a break. Folks just misuse terms anyhow... how is she the most intelligent and knowledgeable female poster on NL? Because she espouses typical feminist claptrap?

Haba David I think say we don become friends? Why all this hating now?

michelin89:
Please married folks, help me. Do I stop analysing people or do I continue, but play blind, deaf and dumb to those flaws that normally would make me send the person packing out of my life?

I believe with the right person, I can have the best relationship and marriage ever, but all the things I take for granted, are those things people seems to fail in most times. Wetin man pikin go do now?

keep searching for the right one....i don't really believe one should put
up with dross in relationships or even marriage. i know everyone's got flaws
but those flaws have to be something i am indifferent to.

around the corner lies that someone who ticks nearly all your boxes. the compatibility
has to be sky high for you to enjoy your relationship. putting up with nonsense is akin
to renting an apartment you don't like because you have accommodation problem...within
weeks, you would get tired of the place and going home for you would be the worst part of your day.

obasijoy: @opI guess you were born either on May or June. Just take it easy ok. You haven't seen what you want in a man yet and the main person you are to love hasn't come yet. When the right person comes, I promise you, you must totally fall in love with him and you will be asking yourself if this is truly you.

FUNNY GIRL.IS IT THAT THE POSTER 'MUST' OR 'WILL'.TRUE LOVE IS EITHER THERE OR NOT.I LEARNT THAT A LONG TIME AGO.TRY DOING WONDERFUL THINGS THAT U WANT SOME1 TO DO TO/FOR U AND SEE THE OTHER 1 RESPONDING POSITIVELY.SHALOM.

michelin89:

Much better. Thanks!



Haba David I think say we don become friends? Why all this hating now?

Aww pele. no vex.

davidylan:

Aww pele. no vex.

Yeah! I'm used to your loving/hating attitude at this point.