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mobenjackson:
Can i pm you? For a better convo

mobenjackson:
Anyone on here who can help with processing of LAUTECH transcript. Applied oved 2 weeks now, no update of any sort... Pls help with a reliable source to fast track transcript processing... Thanks.

ladymarshall:
@Abti Much has been said about structure by our able guru @johnnybravo1990 and others, now let's focus on grammar. I hope you are not heartbroken by your many mistakes. Pardon me if my corrections were harsh, but I'd rather be harsh with you here than the examiner on your exam scripts. 75k must not waste. To make you feel better, I have put the niceties about your essay in bold in my comments The bolded in your essay are your errors.

PARAGRAPH 1 (Introduction)
"These days", not "this days" (subject+verb agreement rule). But "These days" is an informal adverb, you are writing a formal essay, "Currently", "At present" are good formal substitutes.

"are of little use to us", is too wordy, "irrelevant" is a more concise substitute.

I am not sure if "continuously" is appropriate here, I would have used "continually". But you decide. Read more about the difference here https://www.dailywritingtips.com/continuous-or-continual/

"that" (not "and" ) are constantly flooding... "

"which" or "that" not "who" ("who" always refer to person or humans, never use it for non-humans, things or objects)

"of benefit to us" is too wordy. "beneficial" is a better substitute. Be careful of being too wordy or verbose, else you lose points for cohesion. Your introduction is nice in terms of vocabulary but too wordy, make it more concise.

A little note on structure: Make your introduction stronger by signposting. End the introduction with "In this essay, I will examine why production of waste is on the rise and effective solution by the government to curb this menance" (or "The following paragraphs in this essay will explain..." ). This helps you flow smoothly into your next paragraph and scores you points for coherence. Also the examiner knows what to expect in the coming paragraphs.

PARAGRAPH 2
Sentence 1 is an epic no no!!! First, you repeat the exact first sentence you wrote in the introduction, which gives the examiner the impression that you are seriously struggling for words and you would lose points for vocabulary range. Second, that sentence also repeats the question and is an absolute waste of space. The body paragraph is the substance of your essay, just like the carbohydrate of a meal. This is where you prove to the examiner you know what you are saying. You have only 250 words at least, every sentence must add value to your essay.

Sentence 2: what is the role of the word "civilized" in the context of the sentence, paragraph, essay and ielts question? What exactly do you mean? Avoid ambiguous words, words that have relative meaning. When you use contexual words (although I would strongly advise you avoid them to avoid wordiness), ensure you explain them, rather than assuming the examiner would automatically understand.

Still on sentence 2: The question did not ask you about the consequences of production of waste, which would then makes sense that waste damages our health and well-being. The question asked you about the reasons for the increased production of waste e.g consumerism, ignorance, lack of effective environmental laws, lack of disposal systems in society, greed of manufacturing businesses etc. Thus, you lose points for task achievement. At this point, your examiner is unimpressed and expects less from you in the subsequent paragraphs. The marking of writing is subjective. Your examiner is human and has feelings. Your goal should be to make your examiner happy from the first word of your essay to the last. One of the best ways to do this is to stick to the question. Do not derail.

Sentence 3 would have been a perfect first sentence for that paragraph because it answers the question of why. Packaging of food and drinks in plastic and its subsequent dumping is a reason for increased waste production, very good. Unfortunately, you used it as an example. At this point the examiner is sure that you do not understand English language or you are confused by the question, because you just used a "causal" sentence to exemplify your prior sentence "effect". So you would lose more points for task achievement and coherence. Ensure your examples are appropriate.

PARAGRAPH 3
Use "Furthermore" You have used "firstly" in your first paragraph, using "secondly" would appear as if you are bulleting your points, which is not really sophisticated for an essay (this is my subjective opinion, you can decide otherwise)

Again you repeated "there has been an increase" for the third time. The examiner at this point would assume you have crammed this phrase for your essay and is already preparing his/her mind on your beautiful score

I also can't believe you created a paragraph of just two sentences! What? The examiner would assume you are stuck and didn't know what else to write. Don't do this in exams. A paragraph should comprise at least 3 to 5 sentences.

In terms of content, you did a good job. That paragraph answered the question. Wasteful habits of purchasing more than what we need is a good reason for the increased production of waste. But you need to flesh up that paragraph. The question allows you to add your experience. Was there a time you or your children bought too many canned or plastic things from Ikeja City Mall or The Palms (assuming you live in Lagos) and had to throw them away? You can add that. Experiences and examples are great ways of fleshing up your paragraph if you ever get stuck while writing.


PARAGRAPH 4
This is the best paragraph of your essay. Sentence 1 especially answers the second part of the question and has great vocabulary. Sentence 2 is a good example but has a very weak connection to your point in Sentence 1. Note that the example should buttress the laws and policies, not just production. You can make it better by rewriting it this way: "An example is the 2017 directive by the Manufacturing Association of Association (MAN) that orders the side production of paper bags and paper cups for the packaging of food and drinks by companies." (that MAN directive does not exist, but the examiner does not care, it is an appropriate example that suits your point and that is all that matters, I'm not sure if MAN is a government agency, but even your examiner might be as ignorant in that aspect as me and does not care, your essay is not judged for factual or statistical accuracy).

add an 's' to government. Note that the question says "governments". As you write your essay, always refer back to the question from time to time to ensure you are on the right track.

How "clear" can an example be? Can examples be unclear, yes. But have you ever seen any essay that writes "an 'unclear' example is...", no. Because it is assumed that all examples in formal essays should be clear. So delete. Avoid redundant words, you need all the points you can get for cohesion.

PARAGRAPH 5 (Conclusion)
Sentence 1 should be added to paragraph 4 as it is part of the solutions.

Sentence 2 is good as a wrap up.

Your conclusion is a summary and should perform that function. Rewrite the conclusion as "In conclusion, this essay has examined the reasons why there is an incremental production of waste and the measures that can be taken by governments to reduce it. Indeed, the practice of waste reduction should be a joint effort by both governments, manufacturers and the consumers alike, in order to successfully create a healthy environment for all."

Overall, I like your use of transitional words, although it can be improved. Your structure is ok in terms of content. With the exception of paragraph 2, each paragraph contains the right content as demanded by the question, but you need to strengthen them by beefing them up (don't write "beef up" in your essay o, too informal ). But your mistakes overall are too many and would have a damaging effect on your score. By the time the examiner is done with your script, you might be lucky to get a 5. But thank God, this is just practice and you can perfect your skills. When you write and edit during your practice, always imagine the examiner is reading your scripts. After every sentence and paragraph, ask yourself, "is this grammatically accurate, logical and coherent"? "Does it answer the question?" etc

In addition to watching Jay's videos as have been recommended by previous responses, spend some time understanding the IELTS writing marking scheme https://www.examenglish.com/IELTS/IELTS_Writing_MarkSchemes.html

This detailed edit took me a little bit over an hour. For each IELTS draft I edit, I lose $35 per hour away from work. While I try to be 'selfless', I need to make the money I will spend in my new country So this is why I have turned down (and still turning down) editing many scripts via pm as I work overtime these days. In other words, don't ask me to edit more via pm My conscience just didn't allow me to overlook your essay as I am duty bound (by choice) to respond to help publicly here.

Luckily, @johnnybravo1990 is available for one-on-one coaching and @RHEMA offered to help (I hope I got her monika right). @jjohndoe83 is on honeymoon, I guess but he will provide his service very soon

All the best in your practice and exams.

johnnybravo1990:
Your essay structure is poor. This is a ‘causes and solutions’ essay. All the causes should be in one body paragraph, and all the solutions should be in another body paragraph.

Let’s now talk about the introduction.
Your introduction should do 2 things. Firstly, it should paraphrase the issue in your own words to tell the examiner you understand the topic. Secondly, your introduction should tell us what your body will contain(that is why it is called introduction—it introduces the body). So, in this case, I will expect you to end your introduction by saying something like, ‘the factors that contribute to...as well as the ways to tackle the menace will be discussed’. You do not need to list out the individual points(the specific causes and solutions) in your introduction.

Let’s now talk about the body.
When you get to a body paragraph that will contain more than one point, like in this case which should contain—let’s say—2 or 3 causes of a problem, please start the paragraph with a sentence to let us know the paragraph will have more than one point. In that case, your first sentence of the body paragraph can be, ‘There are some causes of ...’ After this sentence, you can now mention your first cause, explain further, and support with a relevant example, before going to your next cause. Do not start your body paragraph by mentioning your first cause or point immediately for a body paragraph that will contain more than one point. This applies to advantages/disadvantages essay.

Let’s go to your conclusion.
Your conclusion should be pretty similar to your introduction, except that you don’t end the conclusion by telling us what will be contained in the body(like you did for your introduction).

I do not subscribe to mentioning the points (individual causes and solutions) in your conclusion, but you could if you have the time.

Rence22:
From the lesson I got from Ieltsadvantage, in your writing task, you were given a direct question to answer. First, your introduction should introduce a summary of what you are going to write in your essay. From my example something like this" There has been an increasing production of waste materials and this calls for concern. Manufacturers are trying to cut cost by producing non-degradable materials and hence, the government needs make policies to cub these manufacturers against such productions." In this type of question, Ielts advantage says you should provide a paraphrase of the question and use the first and second questions to answer in the introduction.
The first question WHY DO YOU THINK THIS IS HAPPENING- From the example I wrote- Manufacturers are trying to cut across production cost-( Just giving an introduction to what my second paragraph would be about) and the second- WHAT CAN THE GOVERNMENT DO TO HELP REDUCE THE AMOUNT OF RUBBISH PRODUCED.-My second answer- formulate policies for manufacturers.
Then paragraph two would discuss the WHY and paragraph 3 would discuss government policies and paragraph 4 would conclude.
Got from IELTSADVNTAGE. . He said there is no mark awarded for anything more than 4 paragraphs.
You NEVER discussed anything related to the first question WHY

Wow! Thank you very much for the feedback. I had no idea my introduction was supposed to summarize my entire essay. I will forever treasure this response.

Gracia.

Favouredcanadia:
Please download and watch all Jay's videos on YouTube, it'll help you a lot.

Itzchord:
I would have stated the two problems and the two solutions in my intro, take it like that in paraphrase to my conclusion and then slot the two problems in BP1 and the two solutions in BP2

Itzchord:
This days? There has been an increasing, organisms "who" are? No examples at all? Essay structure must be looked into. Please contact the ielts writing gurus here ASAP. @topsmamen is a guru in whom we are all well pleased.

Nkydechik:
What about those of us in the 437 category and with birthdays in 3 months time?hmmm the anxiety is indescribable. I need someone to encourage me.

ogmask:
I have been dealing with insurance firms for more than 13yrs now. I have done business with AIICO, CORNERSTONE and now Leadway. Truth is these companies are strong and healthy.
Insurance is not about claims and damages alone as some pple would want to believe. You can save your money to accrue interests like the banks.
Most pple do not even know that they are covered when they are involved in an accident even with a N5000 third party insurance cover. Yes, you can contact your insurance company and they will repair the other persons vehicle (that's why it's called third party. The other person is a third party between you and your insurance company) if you are at fault and vise versa.
There are many kinds of cover for vehicles. Some as cheap as N10,000 yet you get a cover of upto N200,000 for your car and N1,000,000 for the other car.
The problem is lack of knowledge and public perception. I think the insurance companies should do more to inform the public about their activities.
There are some not too healthy insurance company too just like banks but, the govt has taking that into consideration thru NIA (in form of claims, life, savings etc) and PENCOM (in form of programmed withdrawal and annuity).

ogmask:
I have been dealing with insurance firms for more than 13yrs now. I have done business with AIICO, CORNERSTONE and now Leadway. Truth is these companies are strong and healthy.
Insurance is not about claims and damages alone as some pple would want to believe. You can save your money to accrue interests like the banks.
Most pple do not even know that they are covered when they are involved in an accident even with a N5000 third party insurance cover. Yes, you can contact your insurance company and they will repair the other persons vehicle (that's why it's called third party. The other person is a third party between you and your insurance company) if you are at fault and vise versa.
There are many kinds of cover for vehicles. Some as cheap as N10,000 yet you get a cover of upto N200,000 for your car and N1,000,000 for the other car.
The problem is lack of knowledge and public perception. I think the insurance companies should do more to inform the public about their activities.
There are some not too healthy insurance company too just like banks but, the govt has taking that into consideration thru NIA (in form of claims, life, savings etc) and PENCOM (in form of programmed withdrawal and annuity).

dukie25:
For someone who has been in captivity for a long time she looks well fed.
Bubu have already won na, just tell us the truth.

From now on i believe they will be releasing two girls a week to mark bubu's anniversary.