₦airaland Forum

Alrite. Go and sin no more

Na me u dey call USMAN? Ehen! Talatu!

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2:00 in the morning. The blond wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.

Two priests attend the same church every Sunday. One drives and one rides a bike. One Sunday, the bike rider shows up without his bike.

The first priest asks, "Where is your bike?" The second answers, "I don't know if it was stolen or simply lost."

The first priest says, "Just recite the 10 Commandments when you are alone. When you get to Thou Shall Not Steal, you will get your bike back."

The next week, the second priest shows up with his bike. The first priest says, "See I told you it would work." The second priest says, "It sure did. When I got to Thou Shall not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left it."

THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was
shocked

to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work." The
daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every
time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and
ravages me for hours.

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic
CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying
there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing, " he said, "What's for dinner?".

Husband was rushing off to work one morning. His driver Okon had driven him half way when his Oga remembered he'd forgotten his briefcase at home.

They turn around and Husband lets himself back into the house. He notices his sexy wife is in the shower, all soaped up, unaware of his presence. Not being able to resist, he playfully flicks at his wife's breast as she showers. Still blinded by the soap, she asks gleefully: 'Ah-ah? Okon, you don drop Oga now-now?

A Good day laughter - You will love this

Once there was a couple in their mid forties walking through a bush path and they came across a patch of mushrooms. The husband insisted it was the non poisonous one while the wife was adamant this was the lethal stuff. Husband carried on to pick the mushroom and consoled the wife; 'What we will do is, we will cook the stuff and feed it to the dog. If the dog dies, then we throw it away but if the dog is ok then we will also eat it.'

They got home and fed the mushroom after cooking it to the dog, it was the happiest dog in the village for a full four hours.

They then proceeded to eat the mushroom themselves.

Just as they finished, their son ran into the room and announced in a hurry the death of the dog and then ran out.

The two parents looked at each other and tears rolled down their cheeks, the husband then announced: 'My wife I should have listened to you.


Anyway seeing we are going to die I need to rest in peace and make sure I have been honest with you. You see that lady from next door has been my part-time since we moved in and we meet in the garden every Sunday.'

He continued, 'When your sister came for X-mass, and you had too much wine and passed out, I slept with her too - your mother too but only once last year on New Year's Eve.'

With tears in her eyes the wife says, 'Its ok my darling that was all weaknesses of the flesh I have forgiven you, but you must listen to me too.


Each time I go to the butchery I always bring a lot of meat. Well it's because our second son is the butcher's child. As much as you have slept with the lady next door I also sleep with the Husband on Saturday evenings when you are out with the Boys, and lastly since we got married 20 years ago I have never had an orgasm from you.'


Both had mixed emotions, hatred, regret but their consolation was they were dying without any secrets.

So their son then run into the room again and looked at the parents weeping.

He then commented: 'My God! I didn't realize the two of you loved the dog that much! Anyway the guy whose car ran over the dog says he can buy us another one!!'

Three men got lost in the forest and were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told them they could live if they pass a test. The first step of the test was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the test to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."



The first apple went in, but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.



The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the test to him he thought this should be easy. So in they went 1,

2,

3,

4,

5,

6,

7,

8, and on the 9th berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.



The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples!"

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into

Wal-Mart

with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.






The Wal-Mart

Greeter said pleasantly 'Good

morning,

and welcome to Wal-Mart.



Nice children you have there.



Are they twins?'








The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they

ain't twins.' 'The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell

would you think they're twins?



Are you blind, or just stupid?'






I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter.



'I just couldn't believe someone had sex with you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

Girl's Diary VS boy's Diary





HER DIARY


------------------





Day night, I thought he was acting
weird. We had made plans to meet at a
cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends
all day long, soIely thought he was upset at the fact that I
was a bit late,
but he made no comment.Conversation wasn't flowing so

I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but
he kept quiet and absent. I asked
him what was wrong - he said,

"Nothing."I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had
nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u,too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent.Finally I
decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided
that I could not take it anymore,

so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to
do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is gonna be a disaster.
_______________________________






HIS DIARY


==========






Today Super Eagles lost the match
against Ghana.

DAMN
IT.

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.


One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.


Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.


On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store,


(Please scroll down)






















































































































































What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!






(Now get back to work. You baffle me sometimes!)



Now, how curious can u get??

Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts:


"Wake Up! Quick! My husband is back.

Man gets up, jumps out of the window, breaks his two legs, four ribs and loses 3 front teeth, and then realizes:
"Damn, I am the husband!"

Who is guilty in this situation?

An Irish priest is driving to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says,

"Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move. "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish, please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"
That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet.
"Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive, "

Santa: Why do you take your wife to night clubs only?
Laloo: By the time she gets ready no other place is open.

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.

PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well, yes and no.
Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.

Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.

They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy. They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said,

"You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying,


"You were born a cow, you were raised a cow,
and now you are a fish."

1. Oshaa is buying a TV and asks "Do you have colour TVs?"
"Sure." says the assistant.
Oshaa replies "Give me a green one, please."

2. Oshaa calls Zambian Airways. "How long does it take to fly to Chipata?" "Just a sec," says the rep.
"Thank you." says Oshaa and hangs up.

3. Oshaa was filling in an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column Salary Expected: He was not sure as to what to be filled here.
After much thought, he wrote Yes!

4. Why did Oshaa Gbemi take 17 friends with him to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.

5. To lose weight the doctor told Oshaa Jessy to run 8 kms a day for 300 days.
After, 300 days, he called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.
"What's the problem?" asked the doctor.
"I'm 2400 kms from home."

6. Oshaa Vandrose got his 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate. ,
Mother: Zimbabwe
Father: Zimbabwe.
Kid: Chinese."
"How come you write 'Chinese' when both parents are Zimbabweans?" asks Mr Phiri.
"I read in a newspaper that every 4th person born on the Earth now is
Chinese!" Oshaa Vandrose replies.

But how come the picture in the profile of the author was white? Abi u do plastic surgery when u returned?

I got it from a foreign magazine where u wrote, directed and published it

Meaning u've got the copyright?

"POOR BOYS!"

When a Girl Cries ------------The World "Consoles" her

But when a boy cries ---------- They say Come on man don't be A "Girl"


If A Girl slaps a Boy ----------- Definitely the Boy would have "done something"

If Boy Slaps a girl -------------- Rascal doesn't know how to "Respect Ladies"


If a Girl is talking to Boys ----- She is "Very Friendly"

If a Boy talks to a Girl ---------- He is "flirting"


If a Girl meets with accident -------------------- Then its "mistake of others"

If a Boy meets with same accident -----------?- --?------ "Don't you know how to Drive"


What A World Is this

Please help me God,

Nun Decorators
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

The one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room.

Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.

The man walks in, does a double take, and says, "Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers:

"Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says: "An English girl !!!"

The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked?

"The one I asked for- the English girl!!"

"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl !!!"

LETTER OF RESIGNATION

I am hereby officially tendering my
resignation as an adult. I have decided
I would like to accept the responsibilities
of an 8 year-old.

I want to go to Mr Biggs and
think that it's a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud
puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think biscuits and ice cream are better than
money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big mango tree and play with my friends
on a breezy harmattan day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple; When
all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and
nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because
you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't
care.

All you knew was to be happy because you were
blissfully unaware of all the things that should make
you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is
honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to
be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly
excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to
consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork,
depressing news, how to survive more days in the month
than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip,
illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind
word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination,
mankind, and making a positive difference in people's lives.

So, here's my checkbook, my car-keys, my nepa, nitel, and water bills. I am officially
resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have
to catch me first, cause,

, "Tag! You're it."

________________________________________
1. Coca-Cola was originally green.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
2. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
3.The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
8. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath,
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
9. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
10. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
12. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and
die.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.
Spades - King David Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts – Charlemagne Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
16. If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the
air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
17 What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? Ans. - All invented by women.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
18. Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this?
Ans. - Honey
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
20. A snail can sleep for three years.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
21. All polar bears are left handed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
23. Butterflies taste with their feet.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
24.Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
25.In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
26. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
27. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
28. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
29. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
30. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
31. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
32. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
33. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
34. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
35. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
36. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
37. And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

Get a Haircut
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair, "

To which his father replied,"Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"

The Attitude of Three Hairs
===========================

There was once a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

"Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today," so she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw she had only two hairs on her head.

"HMM," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today," and she did and she had a grand day.

The next morning she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw she had only one hair left on her head.

"Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and it was a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.

"YEAH!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

MEN NEVER LISTEN !!!!

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.

"He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.

He pushed WW, Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air
replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure . The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving. When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

The nurse replied, "The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

Men Never Listen

Thanks dear. No mind the bad belle person. Na beef

helep me beg dem oooo

;d ;d ;d ;d