₦airaland Forum

A man in a remote village in Kwale,DeltaState,Nigeria died at night people did not cry much because he was about 96 years old
His grandson was asked to go to Asaba(the state capital) and buy casket for his grandfather's burial.He name was Ishie a fairly educated boy.
He left early in the morning so as to reach at a goodtime.he arrived Asaba early and purchased the casket with the money given to him but after that there was no car going to Kwale.Luckily he found an open 404 peugeot pickup.he put the casket at the back of the pickup and decided to sit at the front but he saw two women there he had no other option than to go to the back and stay with the casket
On the way home it started raining seriously and it was raining on Ishie.So he decided to enter into the casket.He used the news paper he was holding and placer it between the lid and the casket [color=#990000][/color]to ensure ventiliation.I was so warm and comfortable in there that Ishie fell asleep
The rain had subsided and the driver was so hungry so he decided to stop over and eat something in a roadside restraunt.
When he was eating the casket opened and something came out the people eating in the resturant started running shouting GHOST!!!GHOST!!!. Ishie saw people running and concluded that robbers were raiding the place so he decided to run in the same direction with then.To worsen the case he wore white upon white and a white shoe to match.When the people saw that he was running towards them they increased speed .The running number increased rapidly.
When the driver saw that it was the boy he stopped and laughed at his foolishness,
IF NA YOU WETIN YOU GO

hi

Fill this and read it from bakassi

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is, that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

here i am

On her 25th Wedding Anniversary, a woman is asked by her best friend "What is your husband giving you for your anniversary?"
The woman replied "I don't think he'll be giving me anything - he's mad because I never used the gift he gave me last year."
The friend then asked "What did he give you last year?"
The woman replied "A cemetery plot!"

A wife was helping her husband to set-up his Computer. The husband was in a cheeky mood so when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it obvious to his wife that he was typing in the word "penis" as password. His wife fell over from laughter when the computer replied: "Password rejected - not long enough".



Husband was suspecting his wife was sleeping around and said: "It appears I am playing second fiddle" when his wife replied: "With a fiddle like yours you should be gratefull that you are playing in the orchestra at all!"



Teenager goes to watch a strip show. His mother found out about this and was furious with him asking him: ” And did u by any chance see anything u should not have!“ when he replied: ”Yes, DAD“.



The definition of ”GUTTS“:…when a man comes home late one night, as drunk as a lord. His wife is waiting for him with a broom in her hand and he asks her: ”Are you cleaning the house or are you flying somewhere?“



Wife to Husband: ” A great disaster was averted today. When my mother was passing from below the clock, it fell. Had she been late by a few seconds, the bloody thing would have fallen on her.“ Him: "I know this useless clock is always slow!!"



A husband forgot his wedding anniversary. His angry wife demanded: ”Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in under 4 seconds!“

Next morning wife found a parcel in the driveway containing a new bathroom scale…



A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen: "Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."



Husband had two photos taken, for his Elderly mother a photo from the navel up and for his wife a photo from the navel down. However he accidentally mixed the photos up when placing them in the envelopes and he send the photo ‘navel down’ to Mommy. She replied: ”Thank you for the photo my son, but Mom suggests you change your hair style as it makes your nose look very short.“



Wife stands infront of her mirror and said to her husband: ”I am fat, old and no longer pretty. I am wrinkled and my breasts hang, Give me a compliment“ when he replied:

“Your eyesight is still excellent though!“

3 elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest animal in the world was.

The first said, "The meanest animal in the world is a Hippopotamus, cause it's got such big jowls. One bite and your gone."

The second shook his head and said "Nah, hippo may be mean, but ain't nothing meaner than an alligator. He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap ?, one bite, ha, one swallow, you gone."

The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke and said, " No sir, the meanest aninmal in the world is a hippagator."

The other two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing there was no such animal.

The gentleman slowly began to explain, " A hippagator got a hippo head on one end, and an 'gator head on the other"

"WAIT ! interrupted the others, "If he has a head on both ends, How does he shit ?"

The reply was simply," He don't, that's what makes him so mean

Bakassi job

He has phd madness.He wants to know how people
react on issues like this,assignment from osama bin.

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a simple leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When the seamstress cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes!" cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and is always in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

obj wants to collect his phone to call one of friend for the answer.

warri boy like u

I thank you all that wishes me happy birthday in advance and those who used bad words on me,l love you all.

thanks for causing me

Bakassi's birthday is 16th of sept.Send a text massage to him on that day and have chance of winning 1500 mtn card for the best text and 750 mtn card for two others best text.Thanks
08036085568
08051823121
08023990936

''I went to the Market yesterday, I bought Ponmo, Panla, Okete, Palm oil, but I don''t know what to cook? Any suggestions? ''

This person is he supposed to be in this Nairaland

mumu

Good one.Thanks

i knew his girlfriend

Please I want to resign and I need nairaland member who will talk over my position in my company.

Wedding Joke

May 'for better or worse' be far better than worse


A man inserted an ' ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted' . Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mi-


A husband said to his wife, 'No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.'




Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.




I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle




With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.



My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.





Ronnie Corbett: Do think marriage is a lottery?
Ronnie Barker: No. With a lottery you do have a slight chance


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience


After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was
a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear,
but I was in love and didn't notice it."




I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury

8 Year old boy is in court for rape. His defense attorney is a women. In court she takes boy’s penis out and ask the judge: ”Sir do you really think this little thing could have raped“ when young boy whispered to her: ”Auntie you must stop shaking it so vigorously, we will lose the case!“

Thanks my brother .

One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can't buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she brought in her dog and she got the dog food.


The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can't have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food.


Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did. She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you're satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?" "No," he replied, "I've never done either." "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor. "No, I've never done any of those things either." "Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

Funny Jokes



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Funny Joke 1



Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.



Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.



Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.



Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.

He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."



She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.



He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

"Honey, I only have four hours left.

Could we, ?"



His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny , but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

Funny Jokes



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Web www.topwebideas.com


























Funny Joke 1



Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.



Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.



Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.



Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.

He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."



She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.



He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

"Honey, I only have four hours left.

Could we, ?"



His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny , but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

Please who can help me out on schools in uk website.

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things -

The bartender is a blonde girl.
The bouncer is a blonde gal.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

AMISH REPAIR

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee", replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."

True to her word when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake.