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Disclaimer: This is a fictionalised retelling. Any resemblance to actual people and circumstances is purely coincidental.

I’ve always been a cheater. And when I say cheater, I mean chronic cheater. As in ‘my boyfriend is downstairs in the living room and I’m making out with his friend upstairs’ type cheater. Ever since my first relationship in uni, I’ve never been with just one person at any given time. It’s always been a main along with one or two (or three, or four) other interests. I would cheat on my boyfriends over and over again. The side interests always knew I had a boyfriend; the unfortunate boyfriend was always the only one in the dark. I was pretty skilled with keeping things compartmentalised and everything would be fine and dandy until some good Samaritan would take it upon themselves to inform my boyfriend that they saw me walking back to my dorm with some dude at 2am on a Saturday morning. Nabbed with no defence. Whenever I was caught I would always feel really bad about having hurt someone I was so in love with. Then I would convince myself that he deserved better and break up with him. For years I was caught in this cycle of cheat, break up, new relationship; rinse and repeat. Try as I might, I could not stop myself. No matter how strong the feelings of guilt, I would always find myself in side relationships. In my last year in uni I decided I was done hurting guys I loved. I swore to myself that the next relationship I got into would be completely exclusive. I would remain single until I felt ready to stick to monogamy.

I graduated, started NYSC and got a job at a bank. I made friends with one of the regular customers. He was quite a bit older than me but that didn’t stop us from becoming very close friends. I would regularly go to his house after work, have dinner with him and watch TV before going home. One evening while we were chilling on the couch he asked me what was the real reason I didn’t have a boyfriend. I’d been giving the usual funny answers every time he asked but this time he was looking at me intensely like he wanted a serious answer. So I told him the sordid tale of my relationship history and how I was taking a hiatus from dating to sort out my cheating demons. Then he told me something that legit changed my life. He said “Hmm. I don’t think you’re made for monogamy at all. Sounds to me like you’re polyamorous. I know you like to read so I’ll send you a link”.

A few days later he sent me an email with links to some articles about polyamory. Simply put, polyamory is ethical non-monogamy. It is a kind of relationship where one explores multiple romantic interests with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved. As I read more and more about it, the more it clicked that THIS WAS ME. It’s like when you read a horoscope and you suspect it’s bogus but you find yourself agreeing with what it says about you anyway. It was like reading the results of a Myers-Briggs personality test. I realised that this was who I was, who I had always been.

I came to understand that I didn’t have to feel ashamed for needing emotional intimacy from more than one person at a time. I came to see that ‘cheating’ isn’t actually cheating if there is mutual understanding and neither party involved feels betrayed. Most important of all I came to realise that my sexual and emotional needs did not make me a bad person; what was bad was getting into a relationship with a monogamous person and expecting them to tolerate my side interests.

A common misconception is that the point of polyamory is to have indiscriminate sex with many different people. Yes, sex with multiple partners is often involved but that is hardly the point. Polyamorous relationships are relationships like any other, built on emotional intimacy, companionship and trust. Physical intimacy may or may not be part of the picture, and contrary to popular opinion we are not all sex-crazed.

Take my relationship with Bayo, for example. Bayo is one of three partners I’m currently dating. We met at a conference where he struck up a conversation with me about my afro. He was witty and smart and we became really good friends. After a month he asked me out officially. When I told him that I was non-monogamous and that he would be my second boyfriend, he was surprised at first but then he decided he was cool with it. Even though we live in the same neighbourhood, we see each other like every other weekend and despite how often I am at his house, Bayo and I only have sex once every few weeks. It’s not that we’re not sexually attracted to each other; we just found ourselves having sex less often as the relationship matured. We talk about everything – from how his business, to how I’m shit at navigating office politics. We cook together, go out clubbing, go to the cinema. We’re two people in love, sharing our lives with each other; sex is just a part of it. And it’s the same with my other partners.

I’d like to say that going into this I had doubts and reservations, and I was scared of what people would say, but to be honest all I felt was immense relief. This huge weight of guilt holding me back from having fulfilling relationships had been lifted off my shoulders and I felt incredibly free to be my true self and be truly happy. I didn’t have to lie and hide and cheat and apologise and feel bad anymore. All I had to do was seek out people like me, instead of putting pressure on myself to be monogamous for someone else.

I really hope that sharing my story inspires people who are struggling with monogamy to explore the possibilities of ethical non-monogamy. Our society’s preoccupation with cheating is not surprising because so many people are doing it. It’s a friggin epidemic. I believe it has reached such epidemic proportions because monogamy has been touted as the only way to have a relationship in the modern world. Monogamy is fine, and kudos to people who choose it and stick to it; but people should also know that there are other options out there. If you find yourself always cheating on your partner (emotionally and sexually) maybe it’s time to reevaluate whether monogamy is really your thing.

I’ll admit that writing this post also has a self-serving element to it. I’m secretly hoping to meet other polyamorous folk on here. After all, the best way to meet people like you is to put your real self out there. So this is me putting myself out there, hoping to meet you awesome poly people in the comments section

Extracted from http://thenakedconvos.com/poly101-introduction-to-polyamory/

Well, maybe he practises polyamory. If you don't know what that is, check here --- http://thenakedconvos.com/poly101-introduction-to-polyamory/

There's this argument that we do not patronize our locally made products enough and we always want to blame the government for bad economy. Should we blame ourselves too? If you read this, you'll know what the argument really is - http://thenakedconvos.com/plunging-naira-before-you-blame-emefiele-look-at-yourself/

Eva is, for me, the most talented female rapper out here now. And this make-up stuff just shows how she's gifted in other areas too. And yes, she's beautiful. If you follow her gram she relates well with followers like celebrities should. iLike!

Anyway, deviating, what can be done about the menace of sexual harassment? Read this - http://thenakedconvos.com/sexual-street-harassment-and-the-obvious-solution/

This is just normal everyday pic na. Abeg, next!

Important issue on prostitution here you should read - http://thenakedconvos.com/should-prostitution-be-legalized/

Lol! Nigerian artistes and their lack of imagination and creativity. SMH!!!

If you have unrealistic expectations of your partner in terms of sex, read this - http://thenakedconvos.com/blame-porn/

Also worth a read - https://thenakedconvos.com/women-submit-husbands/

tpiander:



you must find that very disturbing.

Nah. Not really.

tpiander:
you folks need to agree on which scenario you feel is more prevalent: men not knowing if they fathered their kids or men cheating on their wives.

I don't know if there's any statistics that can prove things either way.

Blackett:
If you like, edit it, if you like, leave am like that. . . It's your business.

I didn't bother clicking the damn link.

Thank you for your attention. It's noted.

Blackett:
Bloggers will never learn. . . If you ever want to get more visits to your blog, post the whole story, and then, add the link to your blog. It makes people appreciate you more and want to learn more about you. You don't just get people interested, and then, halfway, you kill their vibe! That's just stupidity of a superlative degree!

Heyyy, chill man/sis! You either want to advice or criticize. Either way, how you did it doesn't add much value to your words. This is an editable post and if required, full post can be updated. No need for the grammar at the end of your comment. Thanks for the input anyway.

EroticAngelina:
This is why u don't attract the right kind of women

Why exactly?

ikbnice:
The obvious reason is that some single ladies selfishly want men they want to 'chop their money'.

Lol! That's a different aspect to it, though.

I'm going to start this post my least favourite way of starting posts – with a disclaimer. Not because I want to but I feel compelled to. Why? Judging by the number of calls I got asking me to write on this topic, I know for a fact that some of you will go to town with every single thing I say here. So here goes…

I am a blogger – bloggers often generalise. The end.

***

I spent a large part of 2013 doing a lot of research on cheaters and the ‘art’ of cheating. Why? Let’s just say you will find out soon enough. My research work was nothing academic or anything like that so I have no numbers, surveys and what not to show you, hence my disclaimer but this and the fact that I’ve been fortunate to write as a relationship blogger for several years has equipped me with quite a lot of knowledge on the topic of cheating generally and more recently, cheating while married.

I think it makes sense to begin with popular assumptions or shall we say myths, commonly associated with cheating while married – oh, sorry, one more thing I forgot to mention is that when I say cheating while married, Im talking absolutely about women cheating with married men in this post. So, here’s the myth:

Married men mostly seek out younger, single, available women who are fun and can teach them something new (especially in bed) when looking for affairs.

I used to belong to this school of thought too until I started digging deeper into this subject. To be fair, the statement is not entirely wrong as most times married men have affairs, it’s with younger women but what we need to highlight here is that, most times, it’s not the crazy age difference like a 60 year having an affair with a 25 year old. There’s another term for that – aristos or having a sugar daddy. Yes, I know it still amounts to cheating and once it becomes consistent we can refer to it as an affair but for the purpose of this discourse I’d like us to refer to affairs as relationships that are more beneficial to both parties, drawn out over long periods of time and involve more emotional connection.

The second part of the assumption talks to the fact that many believe married men prefer single and available women to married ones. I guess it’s almost logical to assume that having a family to look after will serve as a major hindrance to an affair. You’d have less time to spend together and even when planning to spend time together, you’d need to put some serious thought into when and how you meet up to conduct your activities.

Now, I don’t know how many of you guys love watching thrillers and crime related movies and TV shows but I do and one of the major things I’ve learnt from these shows is, the hardest crimes to solve are the seemingly obvious ones. Like when a loving father who doesn’t seem to be struggling with any form of depression or whatsoever murders his entire family and has almost all the right alibis. Where do you even start?

I often tell my friends, the best place to hide something is in the open. So if a married guy decides to have an affair, he’s probably better off having a successful one if he introduces his “prey” to his wife, brings her into the family etc. This means less sneaking around because his wife would trust her and will almost never suspect anything. Anyways, I’m not here to teach men how to cheat so that’s about it for the assumptions, now lets go into details on why you attract married or seemingly unavailable men. Please keep all the assumptions I discussed above in mind and use that to put things into context as you continue reading.

After interviewing several women who have had affairs with married men, it occurred to me that many of them seem to posses a few similar traits. Let’s take a look:

They totally loath the idea of married men approaching them. Like loathe is probably a chill word, maybe I should say they abhor it. They hate the idea so much, their immediate reaction to a married guy chatting them up is that of disgust. They just judge the guy on the spot and some go as far as trying to humiliate him publicly.

All well and good right? Not quite. Why? The question is, why is a married man coming after you in the first place? Do you really think it’s all about the sex? Why do we have Adeyemo Alakija street in VI or even Unilag if you will. It will only cost him some change and he’ll probably even get a chic who’ll give him better sex that you can imagine ever. So it’s definitely not about sex. Then what?

One thing marriage does to a man after a few years is – it erodes his self confidence. He feels less and less of a man because there’s this one person who shares his bed every night who has “seen him finish” so for him, he needs that reaffirmation. That reminder that he’s still got game. You don’t expect a man’s wife to challenge him daily right? So where does he find answers – you! By reacting to him, the way you did, you have only validated his choice. It won’t deter him at all – if anything, he’s only going to accept the challenge and dig deep into his armoury to do all he can to bring you down and in many cases, these married men succeed.

Am I asking you to comprise on your standards and not feel disgusted when married men approach you – hell no. There are many ways to kill a mosquito. Perhaps instead of judging at first sight, you could at least let him land before you bury him. That way, he feels less challenged by you – it’s sorta like a reverse friend zoning technique. Unfortunately, if you think men live for challenges, I’ve come to learn women can die for the chase. Even if they’re being chased by the wrong guys, better to be chased by the wrong guy than no one at all right? Hence the problem.

The second trait common to women who constantly get approached by married/unavailable men is that they are often independent. Now, don’t confuse independence with wealth or being loaded. You could be a contract staff earning 50k a month in some dingy rundown company but when you’re independent, you are Beyonce. She will still find a way to buy her own drink and only go out when she can afford it etc. This is a major turn on for married/unavailable men because most of them are actually more financially buoyant than most having had some time to stack up some cash. But one way or the other, they feel like they hustled for their money and they try to do what they must to keep anyone from taking it from them too easily. And that’s where an independent woman gets the nod ahead of a whiny university chic always looking to change her phone.

The final trait I’d touch on is having that ability to keep your mouth shut. The one is tough to explain but I’ll try. Many women who have cheated with married men swore that they never ever imagined they would but when it happened did they tell anyone about it? Hell no. Not their mothers, their friends or even priest because after setting such high standards for themselves, they would feel like they have more to lose by sharing their secret. How many times have you found out that some chic had an affair with a married man and you just couldn’t believe it for the life of you. Like howwwww?

Again, I’m not here asking you to lower your standards but whatever you do, please don’t go around carrying it on your head. At the end of the day, we are all sinners looking up to God or whatever supreme being you believe in for mercy. if you already know that, you should know that there’s a strong likelihood that married men will approach you so why go about broadcasting your standards to the rest of the world. If and when it happens, deal with it quietly and move on.

Ok, thats all from me. Time to read your comments on all I’ve written.

Read more comments here - https://thenakedconvos.com/dear-single-women-this-is-why-you-attract-marriedunavailable-men/

Hopefully, dem dey teach sex education for there, abi? Why else would they cost so much? Anyway, the relevance of sex education is stated here - https://thenakedconvos.com/sex-education/

Nice pictures, nice party. Interesting news stories here - https://thenakedconvos.com/rounds-week-30-sandra-bland-unpaid-salaries-prostitution/

Hope they also know how to take care of their "downstairs". If not, maybe they could learn a thing or two hear - https://thenakedconvos.com/open-letter-vaginashamers-vagina-vent/

Hmm... I siddon dey look. And I'm even thinking seeing all these women is: is it realistic for one man to stick with one woman for life? Read this and see why this question is valid - https://thenakedconvos.com/monogamy-realistic/

The list actually needs to expand further. Let the real prosecution begin.

On another issue, please listen to this podcast here and let us know what you think - https://thenakedconvos.com/lost-files-naked-truth-podcast-episode-2/

Na wa o! How do women make their choices? Some ideas here - http://thenakedconvos.com/yanga-tnc-making-choices/

Life is never easy mehn. Here are tips to help this guy from being suicidal - http://thenakedconvos.com/5-steps-saving-suicidal-person/

Lovely pictures here. Proud of my Naija peeps. And talking Naija, here are some very funny survival tips you should read - http://thenakedconvos.com/4-essential-tips-stay-alive-nigeria/

In fact, this topic links to a post I read today about checking your partner's phone behind their back. What's the deal? That is the basis of mistrust in relationships. Read the post here - http://thenakedconvos.com/meme-files-inspectyour-gadget/

And there are still some who clamour for male birth control systems other than just condoms like here -http://thenakedconvos.com/men-birth-control-measures/
As if guys don't have enough problems with infertility already.

Nice one! He should do well, hopefully.

All these suicide bombing things. Only God can help Nigeria now. Even young Nigerians are trying to commit suicide too, like this true story here - http://thenakedconvos.com/true-account-kill/

Lol! The difference is clear. And on a related note, why are successful black women often attacked by people. Somehow analyzed here - http://thenakedconvos.com/serena-scrutiny-fairer-sex/