₦airaland Forum

Kechbeau:
centino ooo..this one is long throat update ooo....

WAACUT:
Happy Sunday centino baba....

Happy Sunday my man.

THE PILEDRIVER


It was Saturday morning and the men gathered in front of Talabi’s abandoned shop. The polity was boiling and everyone was spoiling to get into the thick of matters. As they awaited Suleiman’s arrival with the newspapers, all the attention turned to Achike.

“How is Chisco?”

“He is fine.”

“Erm, how fine?”

“Which one is how fine?”

“We noticed he has been carrying his face like thunder and has not removed his dark glasses since he came back and even you have been evasive.”

“He needs privacy. The whole thing is just coming to him now. I fear he may be depressed. He hardly even talks to me. I am worried about him.”

“The operation. It was successful I hope?”

“Yes, it was, thank God.”

“So he can see now with the punctured eye?”

“There was some damage to the retina. There will be a black spot there when it heals but he will see with the rest of it, just that his vision will change a little.”

“That means he will only be a little better than Lukman. Chai! Nyash! Ukwu! Ikebe! See wetin you cause!”

“If not because of only one thing, I would have gone and told Chisco what you have said and let him pour all his anger on you and then in another life you will learn to bridle your tongue.”

“Let us not deny the obvious. Chisco now has one and three-quarter eyes because of Nurse Josephine’s backyard. We have to accept that so that we will know what to teach our children.”

“Alright. Of all the things in this world, it is nyash that you want to teach your children about. We will see how they will turn out.”

“But who send am?”

“His intention was noble as I came to understand. He even had the chance to take advantage of her but he did not and instead opted to protect her. If you are looking for what to teach your children, be sure to include that.”

“Taa! Your brother don lie! With those crooked eyes? He can’t see nyash and look away. That may be why Wasiu chook the eye.”

“God punish you. If you are a man, say it to his hearing.”

“Gentlemen, that is enough. We are happy Chisco is back and did not go blind in that eye. We ought to support and encourage him. If he needs privacy, allow him some. No one should make snide remarks or have him dispirited in any way. Instead, let us worry about the kingdom of the jagaban that our Lagos has turned into. What that man is doing has to be illegal.”

“The Godfather.”

“Look at it very well. How can one man decide the political course of a state? He openly said that Ambode was not even a politician but he made him Governor. It means we have a man governing us who has no passion, no ideology, no drive, nothing but ambition. Politicians should have it in them to work for the good of the people. A person for which that is not innate should at best be a civil servant, which is what Ambode was.”

“Why we should have voted and still vote Jimi Agbaje.”

“That one is a fraud. Eloquence alone can only take you so far. How can you lose an election, and then go into limbo, then when election time comes again you crawl out of hiding, and want to be voted for? What happened to viable opposition? Where were you when things were going bad? When dirt took over Lagos? When projects were being abandoned? Think what you may of Lai Mohammed but the man and his gang showed what being in the opposition meant. He breathed down President Jonathan’s neck all through his tenure. Nothing escaped his scrutiny. Then when it was time to contest, we easily recognized him and his party and voted for them. But this Jimi boy…I only blame Ambode. If he were really a politician, he would have dumped APC and gone and took the flag of PDP; use all the machinery of government and power of incumbency and in one fell swoop create a political legacy and free Lagos from the imperialism of the jagaban.”

“They threatened him with impeachment. And you know EFCC usually follows.”

“Shame.”

“But he is forever settled. In the next few months he will secure his future and that of his children’s children and he will always be known as ex Lagos state Governor.”

“Did you not see him and Tinubu and Sanwo-olu walking hand in hand to the APC convention last night and laughing together like they just captured a prey? And people were busy killing themselves in Oshodi and Ikeja over these people.”

“Warn your children. Download the pictures from the social media and show them. No one's ambition is worth the shedding of blood.”

“Goodluck Jonathan said that in 2015” Mr Kingsley said.

“And it is forever relevant. The man is a legend. He was at the convention that was full of the people that stabbed him in the back and wrested his mandate from him and gave to Buhari. What a man.”

“They say he drinks ogogoro. Ogogoro drinkers bear no grudges.”

“Did you hear Aisha Buhari berating Oshiohole and APC for the non credible primaries conducted across the nation? Are you sure that woman lives in the same house as Bubu?”

“She will be one of the reasons PDP will take power from her husband. An opposition right in the bedroom. Beggars belief. But I love her for it. Posterity will place her side by side with Kudirat Abiola. Real love tells the truth. Her love for Bubu will help him find his way back to Daura next year."

“Is there no way PDP can do their convention in the daytime? They have gathered all night like witches and wizards and till now there is still no outcome.”

“I envy those delegates. I hear dollars raining like kilode. Some of them know it is the most they will get out of the whole process because once whoever gets elected, it’s good night.”

“We have to salute the process though. Seamless so far. Seems democracy has truly arrived in PDP.”

“But they are still sharing dollars to delegates.”

“That one is business as usual.”

“I predict that whoever emerges will defeat Buhari. Bubu’s time is up.”

“Anyone following the President Trump Supreme Court nomination of Brett Kavanaugh in the US? Imagine that they wanted to stop his nomination because he rough handled a girl in bed as a seventeen-year-old thirty five years ago. Not like he even shagged her. What is wrong with those people?”

“That is the proverbial long arm of the law. That is what you expect in a real civilization.”

“I’m glad he got his nomination and got sworn in. Shame to bad people. Which teenage boy does not fool around every now and again? Unlike Bill Cosby, there’s no trail of women coming out to accuse him as an adult professional. He grew up impeccable!”

“But why is sex and women always a problem for goodness sake ehn?”

“The trouble is that sex is a force of nature, and reason is not – Ashleigh Brilliant”

“Mr Kingsley!”

“Let me play the devil’s advocate today, even though it is my belief that the man of today is oversexed and descended to animal levels and have found nice sounding quotes like the one we just heard to make himself feel better.”

“Carry on Cosmas. I want to hear this.”

“Not saying much. I only want women to see the need to adapt to what has become our present unfortunate reality, the fact that men cannot be trusted anymore. Women should take it upon themselves to help their male “friends”, their pastors, their relatives, their health care professionals be more responsible. We are in the end time now and behaviours are extreme. It is not even about how you dress. Trust, but always be on your guard. Know that most of these men are spiritually dead; religious people included, and with nothing separating them from animals they will always behave like animals given the opportunity.”

“An erect pen*s has no conscience, Ugandan proverb,” Mr Kingsley said.

“You see, that I the sort of thing you hear these days.” However, it buttresses my point. If you do not want to have sex with a man, any man, do not get into compromising situations with them. I repeat: it does not matter if he is your “friend”, your pastor or even your father. Do not sleep in his house if you do not have to. Do not accompany him anywhere you do not know. Keep your young daughters away from men you do not trust. Listen to your intuition. If you are seeing a doctor of the opposite sex and he wants to examine you intimately request the presence of a nurse. Do it not just for yourself but also for him. The truth is that many men are now incapable of helping themselves, no matter their leanings. Some are good men with good intentions but we exist at a time when self-control is more difficult to practice than ever. He may look a gentleman, but never try to find out if he really is.”

“A gentleman is simply a patient wolf – Lana Turner” Mr Kingsley said.

“Ladies, please help the menfolk. I am happy that this did not bring down Judge Kavanaugh. But look at Bill Cosby. America’s favourite uncle they called him. They trusted him too much. He was only a man.”

“Sex is the point of contact between man and nature, where morality and good intentions fall to primitive urges – Camille Paglia.”

“And Achike wants us to believe that Chisco saw Josephine’s nyash and looked away.”

“I am not saying that there are no exceptions. But so that we can save friendships and careers and foster a healthy society I say never try to find out. It is rarer than you think. So that we stop seeing threads on twitter and instagram of how men are scum, women I say please be more aware. They now claim that their pen*ses when erect have no conscience.”

Irikefe felt a nudge in his back and he turned and saw Akunna.

“Ah Mr Akunna. Nice to have you join us. We are discussing politics and waiting for the result of the PDP presidential primaries I’m just seeing on my phone that Atiku has won, and Mr Cosmas is teaching us about the modern pen*s.”

Akunna pulled him to the side and said, “Where is my gun?”

“Err, Mr Akunna. I’m working on it. Just be a little patient. But I have an idea. Why don’t you give your mother the pile driver? It is a move where the wrestler grabs his opponent, turns her upside-down, and drops into a sitting or kneeling position, driving her head first into the ground. I think you should do the kneeling position like the Undertaker, the real Undertaker o! not this mumu in this compound. The Undertaker called his own The Tombstone. C M Punk also used the move to great effect even if he usually sat. It’s a sure neck breaker…”

Irikefe was still rattling on when he felt a heavy blow land on his jaw and he saw a tooth fly out of his mouth into the gutter followed by a stream of blood, and all the buildings on Katakata Street began to spin as he hit the ground and everywhere turned black.



TO BE CONTINUED.

Asemark:
Oga Centino am resigning as a ghost reader am taking front seat hope am welcome

You're most welcome man!

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THE ALL KNOWING

Out on the street Irikefe considered his options. He could go after Castro and give him the beating of his life for betraying the compound as Wasiu’s ally. He could also go after Wasiu now he knew how close to capture he was. But he was just one man and Wasiu was a hardened jailbird. Now he had just promised to give the lunatic Akunna a gun. Where on earth was he going to get a gun from. The answer however was staring him in the face. Wasiu. Antagonizing Castro was no longer an option. If he was going to get a gun from Wasiu, he needed Castro.

Irikefe got to the compound and found a stool and positioned himself at the frontage next to the corridor entrance. Wasiu’s was the first room to the right. There was no way Castro was going to access the room without coming face to face with Irikefe.

Sure enough, at about noon when human traffic in and out of the compound was typically less, Castro sauntered into sight and started when he saw Irikefe seated there.

“My man Castro!” Irikefe cheered. “How now?”

“Erm…I dey my man.”

“So, wetin dey happen?” Irikefe said.

“Nothing o! I just dey wonder about this Akunna matter. How can a responsible hospital discharge a clearly sick man? No be malaria and typhoid sickness we dey talk about o…na crase!”

“E no concern me.”

“I know you are happy he is beating up your number one enemy.”

“It is his mother. He can do whatever he wants with her.”

“The hospital has let us down.”

“Castro. I don’t care.”

There was an awkward silence while Irikefe readjusted himself and looked even more comfortable.

“Err, what are you doing here? Oga Josiah will be looking for you now.”

“I am on break.”

“Which kind break?”

“I said I am on break.”

“He can see you seated here doing nothing.”

“Are you chasing me away? Am I disturbing you?”

“Erm, no. Not at all.”

With that, Irikefe stretched, yawned and leaned on the wall.

Castro scratched his head and his buttocks at the same time and spun on the spot trying to decide whether to leave or stay.

“Erm, did you see the Liverpool/Chelsea game?”

“I see am o my bro. Blue is the colour.”

“It was pure in luck in the cup. Even the league match yesterday. Liverpool should have won both games.”

“There was nothing lucky about the Hazard goal on Wednesday. Pure class. Potential Ballon D’or winner.”

“They say the same thing every year. Then when he isn’t happy with the coach he stops playing till they sack the poor coach. The Ballon D’or is for consistency.”

“I hear.”

Another awkward silence followed and then Irikefe said: “Is something bothering you Castro?”

Castro started and said “Me? No o! Nothing is bothering me.”

“Is there something you want to tell me?”

“Tell you ke?” There is nothing to tell.”

“Okay," Irikefe said and made an exaggerated show of making himself comfortable in his seat.

“Erm, I have not seen Papa Efe today. Are you sure your dad is alright? It is unusual for him not to have come out of the house till this time.”

“He is very fine I can assure you.”

Castro brought out his phone and checked the time.

“Are you going somewhere?”

“No. I’m just surprised that time has really gone. Just now your break time is over.”

“My break time is not over.”

Castro checked his time again.

“Ehen Castro. I hear say una don get new baby.”

With that, Castro’s face turned ashen. He forgot about Wasiu and moved close to Irikefe.

“Bros. I been even wan come discuss the thing with you. I have never seen that type of baby before.”

“How is he?”

“His eyes are never in one place. They are going fiam fiam fiam fiam and when he is looking at you, it is as if he is looking straight into your soul. His eyes are as intense and knowing like that of Alhaji Sirika.”

“Hehehe.”

And the worst part is that I have never seen a six months old baby that can finish three wraps of fufu at a sitting.”

“Hahahaha.”

“This is not a laughing matter bros. At night he grunts like an old man.”

“Una never see anything. A baby that was abducted after birth and never cried for once; cooperated with its witch grandmother. All through her lifetime he did not allow his real mother to touch him but was comfortable being carried in the back by the witch. He is lucky your parents were kind enough to take him. I would have thrown him inside the well since.”

“Ah Irikefe!”

“What is ah? Suffer not a witch to live.”

“That is an innocent infant Irikefe.”

“Innocent infant abi? Innocent infant has that kind of eyes and eats all that food?”

“It is only an infant. It could be that I am imagining things.”

"Okay na. Wait until it rapes your mother."

“You dey mad!”

“Okay na. I dey wait. Don’t say I did not warn you.”

“What would you have me do?”

“Put otapiapia in its pap. The world will be better for it.”

“God forbid! You are going too far Irikefe.”

“Okay let’s do an experiment. Carry a picture of a n*ked woman and go and show it to your innocent infant. Dey watch whether him preek no go stand.”

“Jesus Christ Irikefe.”

“That is Mama Akunna’s husband you people have there. Don’t say I did not warn you.”

“Lord of hosts.”

“Get rid of it if your parents won’t.”

“Bros you don dey make me fear.”

“If you like make you no fear.”

Castro shuddered. And then he remembered what he had to do and checked his time again. Wasiu would have been waiting for almost two hours. It did not seem like Irikefe would move from that place till tomorrow.

Irikefe decided to put him out of his misery.

“What is your mission Castro? Tell me. You have no choice. I am not moving from this place.”

“Err, you will kill me if I told you,” he said and dropped his head.

“You believe I will kill you if you told me you were Wasiu’s errand boy?”

Castro’s eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets. “How did you know?”

Irikefe grinned and crossed his legs.

“How did you know?” he repeated.

“I am Irikefe. Born, bred and buttered in number 225, I know everything.”

“Please let me go and do what I have to do. He’s been waiting.”

“What do you think your father will do if he knew you were doing this?”

“Come on Irikefe…”

“You have betrayed us all. Wasiu committed a violent crime.”

“Understand na. I can’t remember when I last saw N500. He is paying me 1k. Check am na…what is my business? Why would Chisco go and pour sand in his garri? From what I hear, Wasiu was already shining the congo. Chisco got what he deserved.”

“You will have to explain that to the council of elders.”

“Bros Efe abeg na.”

“Bros Efe. Good. You understand me.”

“Okay I will share the money. Fifty-fifty.”

Irikefe stretched out his hand and Castro fiddled with his pocket and then produced a N500 note. “This is painful Irikefe. I need the money more than you do.”

“Alright. Keep your money but lead me to Wasiu.”

“Why?”

“I need to see him.”

“He will not want to see you. He will say I betrayed him.”

“I don’t want to harm him. I actually need his help.”

“Okay let me go and discuss it with him first.”

“No. We will go back together to see him.”

“No na bros. He will be suspicious.”

“I won’t bring any harm to him. You must hurry otherwise you will vomit the 1k you have already collected.”

Castro thought for a few seconds and then said “Alright. Be on the watch out while I enter his room.”

Irikefe stood guard as Castro produced a key from his jeans and quickly let himself into Wasiu’s room. Ten minutes later, he came out with a travel bag slung over his shoulder. They both matched down Katakata Street and got to the footpath where they knew Wasiu would be waiting.

Wasiu, having evaded arrest all his life and ever living on the brink was never going to where they expected him to be. They got to the spot and only found chirping crickets and sand flies.

“You see. We wasted too much time. Now he is gone,” Castro said.

“How can he go? He needs his things. Call him on the phone.”

Castro un-slung the bag from his shoulder and let it rest on his feet as he fiddled for his phone. He found it and proceeded to dial Wasiu’s number. The phone rang through twice but there was no response. Irikefe did not like what was happening. Two teenage boys strode casually in their direction as they considered their options. Then one of the boys, as swift as a hawk pinched the bag Castro held loosely and threw it to his companion who had set off moments earlier and before Castro and Irikefe could work out what was happening, the two boys had vanished like smoke through a keyhole.

“Wasiu is not stupid,” Castro said when they had gathered themselves. How did we think he’d be here waiting? You gat to admire him.”

“Do you know where he stays?”

“No.”

“Will you see him again?”

“Unless he contacts me. You can also try to reach him on phone too if it is important. But can I ask what it is all about?”

“No you can’t,” Irikefe said and paced away from Castro.

Irikefe went back to the compound to meet a buzz at the frontage. From afar, he could see Ndifreke’s parked keke and people gathered around it. He quickened his strides and arrived just in time to see Chisco alight from the tricycle. He wore dark goggles on the meanest mien Irikefe had ever seen on anybody. He did not acknowledge any greeting and did not even seem to notice the people that thronged out to welcome him.

He powered through the bodies and disappeared down the corridor and into his room. Achike shook his head and tagged behind him. He too was not saying much.

Irikefe found Lukman and pulled him to one side.

“What happened to Chisco? Why is he so angry?”

“I don’t know.”

“Did they do the operation?”

“Yes.”

“Was it successful?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you know? You were there all the time.”

“I said I don’t know. It was Achike that spoke with the doctors.”

“Achike was shaking his head. Maybe it was not successful. That is why they gave him those welder's goggles to wear."

"Everybody wears dark goggles after eye surgery. And it is not welder's goggles. Chisco has been angry from the moment we left here for the hospital.”

“He should be angry with himself. No sensible person gets in the way of konji.”

“Better not say that to his hearing.”

“I dey crase?”

“One thing I know for sure is that Wasiu is a dead man any day he steps into this compound.”

“That is not happening any soon I can assure you.”



TO BE CONTINUED.

MightyFortress:
Centino, there are no accolades I could give you that haven't been given already. But I would like to say thank you for this beautiful piece of work. Remain blessed.

You're welcome

Thanks y'all for the warm welcome. Feels really good. Your Sunday-Sunday and sometimes Wednesday tonic is back!

@aytuns good progress man! Nice to have you on the Street

AKUNNA


They found him seated in front of an empty stall at the end of Katakata street. He supported his chin in his palm while his elbow rested on his knee. He seemed contemplative.

“Don’t go near.”

“We should have brought a chain.”

“He cannot overpower all of us. Let’s go in and get him.”

“I said we should have brought a chain. I don’t have any waist for somebody to come and break for me with wrestling style.”

“What nonsense are you people saying?” Akunna spoke up.

“Eh ehn! Hold it. we know you are still crazy. Don’t just start.”

“Has the ambulance arrived? You people should have waited for it to come first.”

“Now wait wait wait. Ambulance for what?”

“We want you to go and continue your John Cena at Yaba Left.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Akunna said.

“The one I don’t even understand is how much better his English has become since he went mad.”

“I will forgive you for that statement because I recognize your ignorance. But I am not mad.”

“Which normal person will do what you have just done, Akunna?”

“What did I do?”

“Your mother, Akunna.”

“What I did with my mother is between she and me. I am fine.”

“Otio!”

“You are wasting your time and will be wasting your resources by sending me anywhere.”

“That is what you said before.”

“I meant it then and I mean it now.”

“You have incapacitated your mother. Surely you must understand how we see you now.”

“I repeat. My mother knows why I have done what I have done. I will not touch any of you so you need not worry.”

“Don’t listen to him o.”

“Know also that you have no right to do what you are doing. I am an independent adult. Because we live in the same compound does not give any of you any authority over me. I can subject myself to medical analysis if that will make you people happy. And I can assure you I will be allowed to go home immediately. It has already happened. But there is no point. I am Okay.”

“You assaulted and battered your mother. If you are not sick then you are a criminal. Battery is a crime.”

“Alright. Have me arrested then.”

“We will not. We believe you are unwell. We knew you before now. You would faint at the mere sight of your mother. Now you pick her up like doll baby and fling her and twist her bone like titus fish. You even sound different. How will you blame us for wanting to have you committed? We want to help you.”

“Well, thanks. But I do not need help.”

“You have changed, Akunna. Allow us to help you.”

“The only help you can render to me is for you to mind your business if you will not arrest me.”

“Your actions…”

“My wife and children and dead.”

“We know that but…”

“Go out to work and come back and find five dead bodies belonging to your entire family and let’s see how you will act.”

“Akunna, we sympathise with you. We cannot truly say we know how you feel but we have seen and heard about tragedies. But we have not heard of anyone turning their mother into a punching bag because they suffered loss.”

“Is it your punching bag?”

“Akunna…”

“Gentlemen, I recognize that you mean well. But you are wasting your time. If you will not do your civic duty by arresting a mother beater then do the next best thing which is to mind your business. I can assure you that I will not cross paths with any of you. This is a family matter.”

“So you mean you will continue to use your mother for John Cena but not us?”

“It is a family matter.”

Mr Zubi called the men aside.

“What do you guys think?”

“Akunna knows his mother killed his wife and children and wants to beat her to death. Please let’s encourage him.”

“You are not supposed to be here Efe.”

“Is it with those pot bellies and creaking bones you want to restrain a madman? I am an agile youth who has offered himself. But listening to Akunna now, I want to call Ndifreke to bring his keke and I will pay to take Akunna back to the compound to finish off that witch.”

Turning to the others Mr Zubi said, “As much as I like to believe Akunna is sick, he sounds rational enough.”

“Yes he does.”

“So what do we do?”

“Let us keep his mother away from him. Let’s talk to Esther. She lives alone. She should be able to accommodate Mama Akunna for a few days then we send her back to the village.”

“I agree.”

“What about the baby? She is in no condition to nurse an infant.”

“I will ask my wife to look after it until Mama is better. We need each other now.”

“So we leave Akunna alone?”

“Everyone should just be guarded. Tell your wives and children to be careful when he is around. I trust that you men can look after yourselves.”
“Alright.”



Mama Akunna’s eyes flickered open. She was unable to move her limbs. She was disappointed that she awoke.

“I never die?”

“No Mama, you never die. The blood of Jesus that speaketh better things than the blood of Abel has redeemed you."

“I wan die. Make I kuku die. Give me dat Abel blood.”

“Do not blaspheme mama. You are a new creature. We are in a covenant of life. He has shown himself mighty in your life.”

Mama Akunna looked up and saw that a group with many anxious eyes surrounded her. Sister Esther had raised an alarm when she shook Mama Akunna in the morning and got no response. Some compound members including Castro rallied and prayed for Mama Akunna.

“Make I die make Akunna happy. After I don suffer all de suffer wey I suffer for am, Akunna come dey use me do champion. Make I die!”

“You will not die but live and declare the works of the Lord in your life.”

“Amen!” the group chorused.

“Now what we have to do is to take you to the hospital mama.”

“No!”

“Don’t be stubborn. There is nothing more I can do. I have been pressing your body with hot water but it is not effective."

“Who tell you say e no effective?” With that, Mama Akunna with every ounce of strength she could muster gathered herself and staggered to her feet. Sister Esther was swift to her side as vertigo swayed her. She grimaced, howled, and then supported herself with her hands on her thighs. “I no go go hospital. Shebi you say Jisos dey make person well? Now wey I don be him pikin make him helep me to well. Wey my pikin?”

“He is with Mrs Zubi. You could not take care of it.”



Irikefe watched the others disperse. They all headed back to the compound. He turned and watched Akunna who was still deep in contemplation. He moved closer.

“Mr Akunna.”

Silence.

“Mr Akunna can I sit?”

Silence.

“I know why you are beating up your mother.”

Akunna still kept his eyes on the horizon and stroked his chin, akin to the way The Undertaker stroked his beard in contemplation.

“You know that your mother killed your wife and children.”

Akunna then stopped short and glared at Irikefe.

“Calm down Mr Akunna. Your mama na winch and you want her to die by your hands.”

Akunna remained quiet.

“It’s brilliant bros. All I will say is that you don’t need to strenuously affirm that you are sane, so that when it happens you will hide under insanity.”

Akunna still said nothing.

“You need help now bros. She will move in with someone in the compound meaning you can’t do with her as you please. But this is a job you must finish. You know what she is capable of if you let her survive. I will help you.”

“What do you think will be the outcome of this faceoff between Jagaban and Ambode?”

Irikefe was taken aback. But he would play along.

“They will finally settle. Everybody enjoys a second term. Ambode will get it.”

“I doubt. He did not only cross the Jagaban, but he also crossed the small people with his decision on the PSP thing. He took away their chop money. See all the dirt on Lagos roads? It is deliberate.”

“Erm, well whatever. We have our own problems.”

“And during sallah, instead of the four hundred rams Tinubu and Fashola used to give the Islamic council he sent only forty.”

“Bro Akunna…”

“Now they are rushing Omisore in Osun…you see life? A man Oshiomhole called a murderer. Now the same Oshiomole went and offered him a seat in the senate plus hundreds of millions of naira to back the APC candidate. The other day it was Atiku going over to his house to canvass for support for the PDP. I want to be like Omisore when I grow up.”

“You can’t be sure of some of these things Bro Akunna. What you can be sure of is that I will be there if you need help to get to your mother. You must avenge your wife and children.”

Akunna glared at him and then said “Will Smith turned fifty yesterday. Brother, Will Smith is fifty. I must be an old man now.”

The deserted block of stalls where Akunna sat was by a bush track that led to the wharf. All the while, they paid no attention to the passersby; then suddenly Irikefe started. He made a sealed lip sign and took Akunna by the hand and led him inside one of the stalls that was overgrown with grass. Akunna tried to make out the voice that piqued Irikefe’s interest.

“I can’t come any further because I don’t want to be seen.”

“Ok I understand.”

“Go. Bring all my clothes."

"So you are not coming back?"

"Not anytime soon."

"I understand."

"Oya. hurry. I will wait here."

Irikefe stole out and watched Castro jogging back towards the compound.

Castro was helping Wasiu. Wonders.

"Is that not Zubi's son?" Akunna said.

"It is. He is helping Wasiu who is wanted for almost rendering someone blind."

"Oh..."

"I have to go now Mr Akunna. Think of what I said."

"Irikefe."

"Yes?"

"Get me a gun. I want to use a gun."

Irikefe thought for a moment and said: "That can be arranged."


TO BE CONTINUED.

Smazlexander:
Centino Come ikeja Under Bridge Around 11pm Me And Some Of My Friends Want To Discuss Something With You..Come Alone O

Hahahahaha

No worry before then you go change your mind.

ubiquitousade:
Yippeeeeee,

Welcome back... Just so glad that you are back.

How hustle? I hope say you dey get money (olamide)

Very rewarding. Before I switch off from social media to focus you suppose know say e go worth my while

sheycrown:
Welcome back Centino, Pele didn't know you were ill. Trust you're good now....yes?

Wasn't unwell darling. I go hustle

rosalieene:
where is the update na

Babe, na today. Wednesday and Sunday na my days.

WAACUT:
Centino.. Wetain dey happen.. U go osun state?

WAACUT:
Centino abeg me dey ask of permission too to post via Facebook

No probs. Same condition.

WAACUT:
U been dey prison?

Hello everyone. I'm back now so it's BAU from here on out.

Pinkberry5, Ann2012, okafor200 - baba olowo the long prick (jeez man!) , nikz, Damian077, beautygboel, nnachuks, Kaycee9242, 2Lynx, Chichaope, Onetop, Poisonivy01 , tayot1...Thank you for the well wishes. It means a lot.

For those shouting update! update!! and not minding whether or not I don chop, May it be because of you that Seun will share some of his billions with us .

adeniyi65, Freeeanijor, LabUdegbe, Cregon, Austine567...nice to have you guys on board. I'm sure you appreciated the break so you could catch up

And to my homegirl jagugu88li. Elated you stopped by. Caught up now?

Youngzubi! My man...Go ahead jare. You know the drill na... Just let them know it's one coconut head called Centino that did that.

Can't wait to drop the next update. It's cooking already. Any moment now...

Pinkberry5:
Centino where art thou?

I searchest for thy update and I fondent none. Please, thou should update and satisfy our longing.

Lol. Me that am looking for how to tell you guys I need to take a break. Hustle takes me across time zones for the next two weeks meaning I will be too preoccupied with stuff and adjustment to visit Katakata street until I'm back to base.

So like Zeeworld...225 Katakata street is taking a short break. Will Mama Akunna die? Will Chisco regain full functioning of his eyes? Will we see Nurse Jo again on the street? Will Akunna be recommitted to the psychiatric hospital? Will Ndifreke and Maya's love survive the new test to come? Tory still plenty my people. For the time being, make I go face life small. Thanks.

Thanks everyone for all the messages on the occasion of my 99th birthday So much love. I appreciate. This is a birthday edition as I celebrated, Abelranking celebrated the day after me and today is princessConfy who adds another year. God's blessings girl. This one's for all of us Virgos



THE CHAMP IS HERE

There was a collective gasp as Mama Akunna hit the concrete. The hospital staff that had brought Akunna quickly seized him again. Clearly, they were experts at handling violent sick people, as with some dexterous hand movements they rendered Akunna immobile. Compound members rushed to Mama Akunna’s aid but the lead hospital staff urged everyone to stand back. If she had sustained a spinal injury then she needed to be handled with care so as not to exacerbate things. Mama Akunna lay still like she was dead. She could not even utter a cry. Akunna had slammed the breath out of her, exactly what John Cena designed his signature move to achieve. The nurse went to her and as he bent to touch her, he saw her move a leg. Tears began to stream down her eyes and she managed a whimper.

“Akunna! Are you all right? Hospital people! You said this man was well! You are all mad! See what he has done to his mother!”

“Calm down everyone. We will deal with this. We will take him back if we have to. But first, let’s help this old woman.”

“Take me back?” Akunna said. “Why would you want to do that? I am all right. I was only playing with my mum.”

“You have broken her back. You nearly killed her!”

“I did not break her back. Don’t be so naïve all of you. The wrestling moves are not real. I have taken time in the past months to do my research and understand how the moves are done. I’m not crazy. This is my dear mother. She will feel dazed because of the spin but she will be perfectly fine.”

“She will be perfectly fine! Is that what you say?”

The nurse did a head to toe assessment of Mama Akunna in the position she was. He was not convinced that she was fine. The tears would not stop streaming down her cheeks but she remained mute.

“We will have to take her to the hospital.”

“I no go go.” Mama Akunna said weakly. “Give me your hand make I stand up.”

“You see? Everybody you see? She is fine!” Akunna cheered.

The nurse scooped Mama Akunna from the ground and placed her on her feet. She wobbled and nearly fell again. The young man steadied her. Mama Akunna, still shedding muted tears placed one hand on her waist and started a slow walk back into the compound.

“Let us take that woman to the hospital.”

“I no dey go,” She said and went into the corridor.”

Mr Zubi then turned to the hospital people. “Gentlemen, are you people sure you want to discharge Akunna like this?”

“Zubi what do you mean? I said I am fine. I can recognize you. You are still black like the devil. Over there is Cosmas the I too know. And you, Josiah. Are you not the carpenter? Achike with the belle that is full of sh*t. I recognize you. Papa Efe, the repentant ogogoro master. I can recognize the two Calabar boys. Was this not the one that gave Mama Tobi’s daughter the kind of preek she has not received before that made her to refuse to marry when husband came? And his mumu brother that drinks only garri and beans. Over there is mama Cowbell who feeds all of us. Her husband is the security man on this street whose brain she had since fried in her stew. Ehen! How can I not mention Irikefe? I recognize him. He is the one that is always first to know when a pen*s enters a vagina in this compound. If Irikefe does not know about something, then it did not happen. His last discovery was Kingsley there and Angel Esther. If not for Efe we would not have known that the holy ghost does not prevent toto from scratching a woman. And I know myself. I work at the government biscuit company at Agbara. I also know that Buhari visited America and Trump called him lifeless and the presidency say they are not bothered about it. Theresa May also came by. She first went to South Africa where she was dancing like a worm that was learning to stand upright. And here she told us that the largest number of poor and hungry people in the world are in Nigeria; as if we don’t see pictures from India and Cambodia. I support Arsenal. They have a new coach now after two decades of Mr Wenger. They lost their first two matches of the season, just as Manchester United has lost their last two. And last last, Saraki has declared for President.”

You could hear a pin drop. The two men who held him looked at their leader for instruction. Compound members also looked at each other in wonder.

“Please let me go,” Akunna repeated.

Josiah turned to Mr Kingsley and Achike and said, “What is this I am witnessing?”

“It is the new Akunna you are witnessing. He has proven that his head is correct.”

“Never tell a crazy person that he is crazy – Tina Fey,” Mr Kingsley said.

“Who did you just quote Kingsley?” Akunna said. “I forgot to tell you I know Kingsley. He has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and has hidden it from us. Which normal person only reads and crams books of quotations? Gentlemen, if you are looking for whom to take with you, please take Kingsley. He is definitely crazy.”

“Alright. We have seen enough. We are taking him.”

“Oh no. Zubi. Papa Efe. All of you! Please say something. Why would you do that? The move I used on my mother has been perfected to be safe and I carried it out well. I may sound a little talkative but that is because I haven’t seen these people in a long time. Taking me back there would be wasting funds you would have used to cater for another who deserves the care more than I do.” Turning to his neighbors, he said, “Guys, this is me Akunna. We sit here every day and talk about our poverty. Every Saturday we read the papers together. We share our women and open the eyes of our children. I am all right. Please speak up for me. I want to be home.”

“Alright. Gentlemen, leave him for us. I am sure you had done your due diligence before deciding to discharge him. Here we live like a family. We will keep our eyes on him. Any kpeekim, we will call you back.”

“All right, the team leader said. Please sign this.” He handed Mr Zubi a document on a clipboard. Mr Zubi hesitated, looked around and then signed the paper.

The two holding Akunna then released their grip on him. He bowed meekly and took two steps away from them.

“There is something about his eyes. And he is too fluent. And he even has a different accent now. I hope Zubi is not making a mistake. He better think again now that these people who are trained to handle craze people are still here.”

“What did you say Josiah?”

“Nothing. I was telling Achike that I missed Akunna.”

“Okay. Gentlemen, thanks for coming.”

“You’re welcome. Here is my card. Call that number if you have to.”

One of the men went over to the van and returned with a small ghana-must-go bag containing Akunna’s personal effects. Akunna collected it and moved over to the side where his neighbors stood and joined in waving the men goodbye.

“Gentlemen, I’m happy to be back. You guys need not worry about me. You can all now go back to your rooms and go and fvck your wives.”

Akunna then bowed and entered the corridor.

They were all gobsmacked. Josiah said “Zubi. Call the number. Call them now.”

“They only just left. Let’s watch him for one day at least.”

Irikefe appeared from nowhere and hollered, “The champ is here!” Then the children of the compound joined in chanting in full voice “The champ is here!”

Akunna stopped, turned, smiled, and then sprinted to his room and locked the door. Almost immediately they heard a commotion in the room as mama Akunna began to scream and shout.

“Make unu come o! my head o! my back o. Akunna don kill me o!”

Everyone rushed to the door and began to pound it for Akunna to open.

Irikefe started break dancing and performing shaku shaku moves all at the same time. “The champ is here!” He hollered still.

“Shut up Irikefe. Shut up! You are the one that has caused this. You incited him!”

“Am I the one that discharged him from hospital?”

They continued hitting the door as Mama Akunna continued to cry for help.

“STFU! Irikefe shouted. Cena! Give her the STFU!”

“Aiit!” Akunna said.

There was more commotion inside and shortly after Mama Akunna’s cry became weak and guttural. Then Josiah, with the expertise of a carpenter burst through the door with a decisive kick by the hinges. They poured into the room and found Akunna sprawled on his mother’s back, her one leg bent under his hip and her neck in between his biceps. She was really pinned in Cena’s STFU. They struggled to peel Akunna from his mother without success. He was as strong as a stallion. Then Mr Cosmas had an idea. He bent and slapped the floor three times and said, “You have won!”

Akunna sprang up and jumped in celebration. He then burst through to the corridor, sprinted out of the compound and down Katakata Street.



Out on the roof, she was introspective.

“Why didn’t you let them take you to the hospital?” He asked.

“It would have been a mistake.”

“Why?"

“The hospital bed is the one place an old witch does not want to be.”

“And why?”

“We hardly survive it.”

“But you will be treated.”

“I know.”

“And treatment should make you better.”

“So it should be. But if you have done as much wickedness as we have, the moment you are confined to the hospital bed, it all comes on you.”

“Why?”

“That is how it is. Old witches almost never survive the operating table as well. It is one of the ways they identify us in the villages. If you are one of those witches who have been able to survive accusations and you have to go in for an operation, everyone waits to see if you will come back. More often than not, we pass on. I don’t know what the white people put in the hospital medicines. We fear it as much as juju in our old age. Especially when administered in the hospital under these sort of circumstances.”

“I see. But Akunna has caused substantial damage to your body.”

“Indeed he has.”

“And you think pressing hot water and rubbing aboniki balm will do?”

“It is better than going to the hospital. I have already explained why to you.”

“I hope Esther stays committed to nursing your body.”

“She will. She is happy to do it since I am a repented soul.”

“What if you don’t get better?”

“Then I might die.”

“Please don’t say that.”

“It is the truth. This is the last time I am coming out of my body until I recover fully. The way the body is, it may not accept me when I go back. There is a good chance as it is that I will not wake up in the morning.”

“That is not funny. Why then did you risk coming out?”

“I needed to come and talk to you because it may be the last time we converse. You may be on your own as soon as tomorrow morning.”

“What will happen to me?”

“Someone will take you of course. I doubt that it will be someone from this compound. It could be the government or if they have sense, they will send you to my people in the village. Now listen carefully. When you get there, just lie low. Be a normal child until you are thirteen. I know that you may be tempted to do some wickedness when you are playing with other children or in the home to your guardians but do only things that if they catch you they will only call it mischief. Don’t mess with anyone’s dreams. Don’t try to meddle with anyone’s destiny. It is not every witch child that is lucky to be rescued by white people or ignorant Africans. Do the wrong thing and they will roast you like fowl. Just be normal. Do not attend meetings. Stay in your body every night. Look for one of those dead churches and be very committed. Be so committed that they will never think of pulling you out to where they do deliverance. Then from your thirteenth birthday, you can start attending meetings and practicing fully.”

“Please mama. Stop scaring me. You will not die.”

“Don’t bet on it. That boy beat me up like I was a thief.”

“Worse than that, he beat you like a fellow pro wrestler.”

“You saw it abi?”

“Yes I did.”

“Where did he learn that?”

“In the place they put him of course. They had television and books.”

“Why did they release him?”

“They did not get his diagnosis right. He is bipolar. He will confuse them and they will let him come back home again.”

“Will he beat you again?”

“He will beat me every day.”

“But why?”

“He knows I killed his family. And he is unwell.”

“That means he will really kill you.”

“Yes, he will.”

“Maybe it would have been better if we had allowed Irikefe to deal with you.”

“I would have preferred that to all this beating. I wouldn’t have been the first witch to confess. I would have also repented genuinely and gotten rehabilitation. But now I have already faked my repentance. I can’t go back and repent again. Esther will not trust me and may abandon me now.”

“Then remain as you are while she takes care of you. Don't let them return us to our room. It is unfortunate we will not be able to meet out here again until you are better but I will endure. Just endure the pain and recover quickly.”

“Don’t bet on it. I am an old woman and my body is weak.”

“You will get better.”

“A weak body cannot support a soul. It will leave. I will die."


TO BE CONTINUED.

calamus:
I have one question though, Centino...

How come is only eyesofpearls that know that is ya baiday? ;-)

Calamus!

I guess s/he was eagle eyed enough to notice nairaland's notification. I checked too yesterday and sure enough it was there. Referring to eyesofpearls as s/he because you can't trust nairalanders gender claim. Can you believe that yehmy, who was pursuing MhizSuccess upandan on this thread who I also wanted to matchmake with eyesofpearls turned up on this thread yesterday as female

Wow! The messages keep rolling in. I appreciate it everyone. Thank you.

Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes. And thanks specially to eyesofpearls for the initiative. Very much appreciated.

Happy birthday to you Abelranking. More of God's blessings.

Na to go arrange bumper birthday update for Sunday

Brinzo:
Centino. I am late to the party, but finally got here. You no. 1 critique. Ibiakpan......enough said.

The boss himself!

That word mehn! The mother of all codes!

We go block!

Pinkberry5:
I love you centino

I love you too Pinkberry5

butterfly55:
Ha ahahahaha.......Centino what happened ni? You wan kill me with laff? I can't believe I'm late to class. Oh! laff wan kill me die but like seriously "the champ is here" and Mama Akunna boldly come forward to wrestle the champ....chai!! She did not see it coming. Great work Centino, more power to your laptop. Thanks so much for the mention. Number 225 is really katakata! I can't stop laughing oh.......

louis1995:
Centino I dey hail o.
I've been a ghost reader for months now just simply enjoying your work, but after reading your comment to evathyst about your disdain for ghost readers, I felt guilty and decided to do the needful. this your work is a breath of fresh air, as an avid book reader, I can tell you've really put work into this.
I especially love the deep conversations about philosophy, spirituality and the workings of the world like in Food for thought and ofcourse undertaker and his witty quotes.
Keep it up, we are solidly behind you.

I always rejoice at the repentance of every ghost reader. Nice to have you bro.

Teehsticckz:
It's my first time commenting on this thread...Keep em coming boss!

Welcome aboard man!

Now to specially welcome victoria2000, chocolatesauce, Artzdanielsz, ericbertrand, EmjayCaleb, babasolo and scapegoat177 (your very first post!)

I see y'all.

And everyone else that commented I couldn't reply to individually. You guys rock!

DaV8King:
Centino, Centino, Centino, I call you tiri times.

Tiri million gbosa for you my guy.

Laff wan kill us scatter for work hia.

This your tori na d obidipompidi according to Sarkodie!!

More data to you my G (confirm receipt!)

Have a blessed week.


P.S: New and ghost readers, una weldon o. Una seat dey, we all get space no worry!

My man!

Received with thanks.

Have a great week too.

k9ine:
Centino, Centino, Centino! How many times I call you? You dey ok so?
So you just decide say you go use laff to kill people today? We no go gree o. How you go dey nak big-big english for any small tin wey you dey describe; on top of dat one, you go com grind laff take am tey dey rub am as you dey describe am.

Look inside yor mind make you talk tru; dis kain tin you dey do e good at all?

Bro, I had to laugh out loudly like someone who inhaled laughing-gas, cos I couldn't hold it back.YOU ARE SUPERB!

Jeez man!

Thanks!

calamus:
Chai! I no go lie you, Centino, me and you nearly get problem as you begin dey mention all the things wen damage for inside im eye, but as you come mention say surgery go solve the matter, no wahalla, we don settle. I believe we all go join No. 225 people dem raise the money, because Chisco cannot join the 'One-eyed Club'.

As for this update, na the meme wen I dey find since I don see; besides, this last part wey make me laff like mad person for trend wella if to say I good with Twitter:



In other news, you have made my Sunday. Thank you.

**But that one no mean say we go accept this failure of a leader as a leader ...

I am Calamus! Call me calamus!!!

Calamus mehn!

Great memes there! Just in case there's anyone who doesn't know Cena. I remember that FU on Randy Orton

You're the man!

Youngzubi:
this guy!

this man!

this boy!

all nah for you jare mehnn!! you killed it ojere!!

nice work,i couldnt drop comment on Sunday cos of some issues those moderators are something else

Thanks man! I should have dedicated this to you specially as it was you who reminded us that Akunna was still alive somewhere. He's back now and things are gonna get interesting

honourable356:
I have not been able to comment for a long time here because either I am itching to have an argument concerning the state of the nation and every pro and cons happening or I am many a times overwhelmed with laughter.

Now arguing intricately will derail this thread....

Laughing repeatedly would prevent me from analyzing this.

But...

I have one objection.
Having known who had sex with her,she then want more from that same person...Concerning this,i have this to say...either the nurse has been hypnotized or the ladies audience here would be in the best position to refute or acknowledge the above assertion.


Apart from that,i have few words for you...
Bravo bravo bravo Innocent.
In this style of writing that indirectly /directly discussing the state of the nation ranging from politics,religion,entertainment, soccer, domestic violence etc you are undoubtedly in a world of your own.

The teenagers would learn...
The youth would created opinions..
The adult would argue...
You will give every individual capable of reading something to talk about...
All in one,you got them lectured and entertained.

He nods...
Your work is outrageously commendable!!!

My honourable!

Fabulous critique as usual. I see that others have already clarified the part you objected to and they are right.

Always nice to have you.