@Lastpage, sorry I've been a little down, so I haven't been able to send you that email. I have been popping in and out of Nairaland whenever I turn on my phones. I love that Steve Jobs quote you inserted- very inspiring.

I must confess- you have given me the strenght to take a decision. I have found my heart and I will follow it. I don't want to have stroke. I was with my doctor (whom I still believe is lastpage or his replica) - he said my BP was 175/98. Apart from that, my body especially my hands were visibly shaking to the extent that I found it difficult to pick up a pen from the table. I am now on medication, but the things he said to me made me think I had seen last page.

Guys, I have decided I want to live. Its not worth dying for. And I'm going to live happily. I should be taking a break away from home, away from the hustling and bustling of the city, even if its Ghana, I will go.

I don't want to die now and I won't.

Once again, thank y'all. I am officially logging out now as cheetah.

Lastpage - you are a great man, tho you are denying that you are the doctor I met yestetday

For everyone being judgemental on me for sleeping with my girlfriend resulting to cheating on my wife- Let me say this- It was not my intention ab initio to do that. We are humans here so let's try and not be super humans. My wife has neglected my needs. She only comes to me once in a blue moon when she is in the mood, as soon as she climaxes- the whole thing is over. My wife even if she obliges me her body, u will feel the coldness in the body and then you will get limp immediately.(I am opening up this way because I'm masked under this unknown identity and I'm in no way trying to disrespect her)

Infact I don't want to go on and on as to how I have been managing with her. When people come to the house, we try and act like a couple, we have so perfected the act of pretending to be happy that in my subconscious, I wear a fake smile most times.

@Ronke, you are being too harsh. But I pray nothing of such happens to you or your worse enemy. Sometimed I see myself wishing for death as if that's the only option.

Anyway, I thank you all for even trying to respond, Lastpage I wish I would see you on one and one basis. I will try my best and I hope I come out fine. I have spent the whole day on Nairaland and I have picked straight on points

I will just take a vacation and speak with God and my innermost being

Thank you all

2mch:

This poster is not speaking the whole truth in the role he played in the break down of this marriage. i dont think he cared too much about the woman on the onset, but what could be gained. OP, i dont trust the act you have put up here. You seem to complain a lot about the woman, and you are here looking for support on your decision. You have already made up your mind, but you are looking for like minds to reaffirm your position. Look, you say you are in love. If i had money and was married, and i cheated on my wife i dont think i will ever get to the point to believe that the girl i am cheating with is in love with me. A small girl who can get a younger more active boy will all of a sudden fall madly in love with me. We both know this your relationship is a relationship of mutual understanding ( money for sex). In your quest or desperation you have confused it with love. If that girl can agree to be a baby mama for life, believe me you will pay dearly for it. You will never be comfortable and will always be scared about the secret you have. Every amount she will request from you will be x1,000,000. Having a child outside will complicate your life x100. You dont know people until you are married to them or joined by something (a child). The good thing is the current wife is of a traditional marriage. It can be easily dissolved. I personally suggest you take your time to find someone that is on your financial level and someone you can build a home with. Also remember to discuss all the things that are important to you before getting married to this new person. I suggest you divorce this second wife first. And be free to live your life. I suspect you have been caught cheating or your second wife knows you are cheating. . Always remember though, not every woman you meet will be able to give birth. You may marry a woman with problems giving birth.

The lady i am involved with at the moment is not a gold digger. She is comfortable to an extent. I know she is not after material things- come to think of it, how much do i even have now. She has not even agreed to marry me. I am the one bugging her with that request. Sometimes she just shuts down on me when i pressure her with the issues of marriage because she is scared that she loves me to the extent she cant say no to my proposal. She is begging me to please go back to my present woman and beg her to at least agree to the surrogate mother idea. I dont want to leave this girl, she is all that gives me joy at the moment. Assuming things were different i know she would not have hesitated in marrying me. She (my girlfriend) is hurting seriously, i am hurting because of the situation we have found ourselves in. For God's sake this stress has taken its toll on my health- at what age, i am just 37 to be 38 in december for crying out loud. Is it fair that i should go through this.

When i met the widow, she didnt say anything about her inability to concieve. she didnt say she has had 4 C-sections. Yes we discussed on having our own kids at least 2, but she has reneged on that. The way and manner i am being treated is absurd. This whole thing has been on for a while, but i decided to stay put, thinking she would change.

As i stand now, i dont mind leaving the house with just my boxers and starting all over again. I dont see my life lasting another 2 years if i continue like this.

@lastpage
i spoke to my lawyers on changing the title documents to my name only, but they said i will need her consent to do that. Secondly leaving my house for another place would be a little painful because i built that house. Did i do wrong by marrying her and taking care of her kids. Is it right that i should be repaid in this manner

I am ashamed to say this, whenever i'm alone in the office or at home- i shed tears (as a man!) because this is just too much for me to handle. Right now as i speak to you, my girlfriend has relocated from her house to her aunt's place- she said she wants to be alone to make the right decisions. The truth is i dont want to loose that girl, she is all that gives me joy. Yes when we met, she didnt know i was married (yea, my bad), but as soon as we became serious- i just had to let her into the truth. My parents have met her and everyone likes her. I dont want to go to the streets and get any girl pregnant- Will they get pregnant and dump the baby with me or my mum? I want a home, where the children will have a father and mother, a home when my son is ill, i will as a man take him to the hospital, a home where the mom is there is put on little pink ribbons on my daughters hair while preparing to go to church. I just need a home and i am willingly to give all i have to have that now.

^^^^please stop jumping into hasting conclusion

^^^thanks so much

Can you forgive a woman who decides to be sleeping with a blood relative. Please let's be real here.

I can't go back to her even if she was still single ( she has remarried)

I'm still hurting because of what she did and I am still trying to let go.

Please going back to her is not an option

^^^At last a lady with an objective mind.

Thank you.

My brother, lastpage hit the nail on the head.

Last page, I really appreciate.

Thanks

lastpage:

Here we go again!
From everything l have read so far and your clarifications concerning "your needs and your marital affairs", l will make some summary!

Now,l got to be brutal about these; many women would not fancy my position but they are all entitled to theirs as well.

Need: Your own biological child. End of story.
From your submissions, you dont need a wife in the actual sense. Your wife #2 may come across as selfish but that is human nature: Humans are selfish by nature! Simples!!

For me, what your wife does is actually not totally within your control, thats a bitter fact of life nowadays! If you marry her for the next 30yrs and she does not want to bear children for you (for whatever reason, which l think she should have been able to convince you of, in 8yrs!) SHE WOULD NOT EVEN GET PREGNANT, how much more bearing a child!

So, whats YOUR OPTION(S)?:
1.)Would your wife change her mind? After 8yrs, l dont think so. Infact, forget it, you cant have a child by her!

2.) Wife #3? A dangerous possibility but then "you're falling in-love with her" and men are stewpid when they fall in love; they cant think rationally and like someone pointed out, what if She wont/cant bear you kids nko?
What will you do? Wifey #4? Naaah, stop hopping around man, you no be Grasshopper now, abi?

3.) My suggestion: Since l am convinced that what you need is your own biological children, IMPREGNATE A WOMAN (any sane woman) and LET HER DELIVER THE CHILD FIRST and FOREMOST. Dont give yourself out again on this one o! Rein-in your emotions.
Check me out properly o!

a.) I did not say marry a woman or the woman (dont complicate your situation with further marriages right now.)
b.) I mean just "impregnate any fertile woman" (adult and of-age, of-course! ). Support her till baby is delivered.
Then ask yourself and herself, if marriage is for both of you afterwards!

Advantages:
1.) You will have solved your biggest headache.
2.) You could still keep your "wife #2", (if you still want her or if she still wants you; Thank God its not a legal marriage, she for show you pepper! ).
3.) The new "mother of baby" might even decide she does not want to marry you or just wants to be paid-off (like surrogacy)
4.) You can shop-around for a wife #3 then (if thats your wish), without the pressure of "l want a child", maybe just for pure love and bliss!
5.) At times, one cannot get all we want in a "single product".
(I like Volvo cars for strength but l like Toyota for fuel efficiency and l like the ruggedness of Mercedes cars but can l get all these attributes in one car? Dont think so! So, l buy a Volvo first and sell it later, buy Mercedes next and sell  it later and now that fuel is getting costly, maybe its time to get a Toyota! ). Since wifey #2 cant give you your won biological kids, get it elsewhere and she can remain if she wants or since she is not even "your real wife" (women consider the first wife, the real wife, right?), she can go back to her being a widow.
(Who the heck came-up with the car-analogy on this thread! )

But please, be careful in jumping into another "marriage". It can cause you a lot of grief!
Marriage should be off-limits for you. You can have a child without being married (White peeps call it "partner" or "cohabiting", No strings attached!

Remember the saying: When disaster comes, it does not come singly! They come in droves!
You have a 90% probability of making another mistake, as per marrying another wife!
In your position, your judgement about marriage is just no longer reliable (it is beclouded by your "need" and you will likely make another fatal error unless you sort out that "biological need" first.

See why l say its not going to be "ice-cream, lovey-dovey" stuff? Brutal stuff!!

Lastpage.

BTW: Be careful, if this "possible wife #3" knows you're desperate for a child, you're finished! That your "weakness" would be used against you, all the remaining days of your life and it wont be amusing at all.
I pray that you will use wisdom, even from above.
Cheers.

Thanks man, seems you understand me well.

From responses here, people dont seem to understand how bad i am hurting. Let me state categorically here that i didnt marry a rich widow. No! I am trying to be modest here- i am better financilally than the late husband. What i meant by she made me who i am is this- Considering where she works, an opportunity came up, we put heads together and joined finances and then the boom. This same money has been sustained and have multiplied greatly in my hands. Yes i respect her for bringing that opprtunity my way, but then does it justify her seizing documents to my properties just because i registered the title documents in the name Mr & Mrs when we quarelled.  Does it justify when her relatives come, she expects me to do the whole world for them while my own people should make do with almost nothing? Her brother came asking for over a huge sum of money i cant mentiom here, running into tens of millions- i was coerced into parting with that money uptill now, no sign of repayment. No effort on her side to ensure that money comes back. Instead what i get is a reminder of how if it wasnt for that deal, i wouldnt have the money i have. That is pure baldadash.

Moreso, now my business is down at the moment, does it not tell her that its high time she tells her brother to return my hard earned money? Instead she is so busy to the extent that she has forgotten i have needs. She no longer cooks, we no longer smile talkmore of laughing. Then my need as a man has also been left to suffer. She comes back home at 11pm and then all she wants to do is sleep. Whenever i am around during the weekend, she finds every reason to go out, when im out of town she is always at home. Have i all of a sudden begin to irritate her sexually? Or am i no longer a man because i am not too bouyant as i used to be?

I recently found out that she took the kids to her late husband's place and when i confronted her she said and i quote "you know the kids are theirs please, i see no reason why you are blowing out the roof top" Can you guys imagine that? I was going through somethings only for me to even realise she acquired some properties and registered them in the name of her kids without my knowledge. (i am not against that, but i feel she should have let me know before getting those properties, at least i wouldnt have stopped her)

Ok now, can someone especially the ladies tell me why she would refuse the surrogate mother option i raised. The doctor would get my semen and her eggs get them fertilized and implanted into another woman to help us carry till delivery and she refused. Isnt that selfishness?

I dont want to go on and on. I know people change. I know this other lady has the capacity to change. I didnt even contemplate having another woman, but she pushed me.  I dont want to have two wives but then at this stage i dont know what to do anymore.

I am ready to forfiet everything now for my happiness. Life is too short to be living like this. She can have all of my properties that i registered in our names and im willingly to start all over with this other person if only she is willing to go that extra mile with me. This other lady is scared. She is single, never been married. She says she has never seen this kind of complicated life and she is scared of the outcome. I love her, she loves me- So peeps dont i deserve a second chance to love again?

parisienne:

@OP, so do you want a divorce? Or you want this girl to be your second wife?

The even distribution you are talking about, can you seee why she did it that way? Because she knows what men are made of. With all she has done for you she still suspected one day it won't be enough for you. BTW that day has come. I'm not justifying her actions tho.
Besides, how can it b equal when their father must have given her the moneyy used to set you up? I'm suspecting that's how she sees it . Your kid came into the picture 3yrs ago and her lkids don t bare you name. Work hard and give your son what you want to give him.
Anyway, you have to sit down and explain to your wife your feelings don't go behing her back. Be a man about it.

But those kids of hers will be very disapointed, its sad but I guesss your puting urself and your future first. But u won't b a lonely old man, cos u have a son and your wifes kids c u as a father and their father is dead and your wife is there.

Think well oh! This 1 wey u wan marry, how do you know she won't change?

I have weighed the pros and cons- that is why I am here for advise. I'm confused

I appreaciate all the responses.

Now, let me clarify things here.

First, I divorced the first woman legally. Her affairs with my uncle was not based on hear say. Till date, my uncle has not even called to say anything about that. Secondly, the child from that marriage is mine, and yes he is with me( though the mum had custody till about 3years ago)

Secondly, my present woman as she said has actually had 4 pregnancoes that resulted to CS ( two were still born) while the remaining two are with us. So ideally, I have 3kids. Yes her kids (our kids) call me daddy, I am the father they know, but they arer not mine. They don't bear my name. I need children of my own, even if its only two. God knows I wouldn't mind having children with this my wife if only she agrees, but then she is proving difficult. I can't continue this way. Who says she can't get pregnant and give birth normally. I believe there is something that is being hidden from me. I have asked- why the IVF if the problem is just putting to bed via CS. No one seems to be forth coming. The doctors aren't helping issues. I feel she has had her womb tied before loosing her first hubby and she is hiding it away from me. Doctors in the house should please come to my rescue.

Yes I wouldn't have been where I am if not for her. But I recently found out that there is a margilization, her kids are being treated with affluence while mine is expexted to manage. All her documents are in the name of her kids, while mine is evenly distributed. That is selfish and I feel used

I want to have a proper marriage with his lady I met, she loves me but she is scared. I want children I can raise as a complete family. Children who will bear my name. Her kids will leave me one day and I don't want to die a. Lonely old man

Hi guys

I am not new to this forum, i have been a member here and i know a lot of you guys know me especially in the politics forum. I just had to register a new ID because of the sensitive nature of this predicament i have found myself in.

After my university education, i fell in love with a lady and married her. That relationship brought about a male child before the whole thing crumbled. I discovered that my wife was sleeping with my uncle even before we got married.

After that, i met a widow with 2kids, the realtionship bblossomed and we did some traditional engagements stuff and viola we were traditionally married. This was about 8years ago. Now i have been loyal to her, training the kids and all worth not, but this marriage has not been able to give me children of my own. my wife claims that she had her kids through CS and as such it would be dangerous to concieve again.
I have spoken to my wife on several occassions, appealled to her conscience so that she would give it a trial, all to no avail. I even suggested that we get a surrogate mother to carry our child but she keeps saying Gods time is the best. we have even spent close to 15Million for IVF procedures all to no avail.

I have had to open up to family and friends because of this, and her excuse is not going down well with them neither does it go down well with me. FYI, i respect my wife a lot, cos i wouldnt have been where i am if not for her.

Now i am in love again with a woman who is willing to love me. I want to get legally married to her.

Now there are some issues i need to deal with?
1. This lady feels i just want to marry her because i want kids- How do i convince otherwise
2. Am i really on the right track?
3. how do i let my present wife into this whole arrangement without hurting her feelings
4. there are so many issues i just cant say here, i just need you ppeople to sincerely advise me withour hurting my feelings

PS- pls no childish responses and no judgemental responses.

Thank you