₦airaland Forum

Fuel Scarcity and the Missing Prick

Lagos is a very crazy city. There, everyone is in haste like the blades of a rolling fan. There, Mondays are more sacred than Fridays and Sundays, for traders would never entertain nonsense on Monday mornings. There, a saint becomes a devil when he holds the steering wheel of any godforsaken vehicle. Lagos is a city for smart people; it is the only city in the world where a person pays for a smart phone and gets a wrap of fufu instead.

Lagos is full of unusualness too. You cannot urinate anywhere. You cannot park anywhere. You cannot even cross the highway in places where there are no pedestrian bridges. And let me add that everything is stealable in Lagos. There is a popular story of a stupid fat woman who slept off in a 'Molue' but woke up to find that her breasts had been stolen and replaced with two large water melons. As a matter of fact, I now write to tell the story of how a young man's prick was stolen and found miraculously.

Yesterday, I was in Agege to buy about ten litres of petrol to fill my "I pass my neighbour" generator. Recently, nearly every citizens of my country have had a glimpse of hell - no fuel; no light; no water and jobs. Those who voted for change now seemed to live in chains. It was under these circumstances that I left my house at about 3.00am to queue for fuel in a nearby Mobil filling station where petrol was still sold at reasonable prices.

The reader would think that it was stark dark and Lagos people should be in bed but it was not so. Vehicles running into about fifty had formed a long queue already. 'Okada' riders numbering well over seventy had also formed a separate queue together with those who came with the tanks of their generators. And then, there were those who came with sleeping mats. Crazy city; crazy citizens; crazy government, I thought.

At once, I joined the queue of those who came with their own tanks and waited quietly. Policemen were very much present too to protect, or perhaps, extort us. Our confidence level remained intact, although there was no single pump attendant in sight. We believed strongly that Mobil would save us, not the government.

At the time the loudspeakers from the nearby mosques blarred, no single petrol attendant was in sight. By now, the filling station premises had become a Mecca, bodies pressing against bodies; buttocks pressing against buttocks. It was an opportunity for some rascal guys to pick pockets. And then it happened.

"My prick, my prick," a slender-looking young man shouted a few paces away, wailing like a starved goat. His slim legs looked like the stem of a premature banana tree. "My prick o, this Alhaji don thieve my prick. Make una help me beg am make him return am o."
"How him take thieve your prick na," a woman who had gripped Alhaji's agbada asked curiously.
"I dey here dey queue for fuel jeje. Nahim this man come pass hit him hand for my back. My body do 'gree-gree-gree' like say scorpion bite me nahim I see say my prick don disappear. Make una help me beg am o. Make him bring back my prick."
"Walaitalai, me I no thieve am for this boy prick. I get my own, Oga"
"Shut up your dirty mouth, Alhaji abi wetin dem call you," yelled a septuagenarian who had just joined the ring which had formed round Alhaji and the poor boy. "Return this boy prick otherwise we go burn you alive. If money no dey the country since Buhari enter, why you no use your own prick do money instead of this boy own? Wicked man."

Clicks from Android camera phones filled the air; the happening scene, though not a story about snakes, had already made Nairaland's front page and found its way in Linda Ikeji's blog.
"You must return this boy's prick," one hefty man, who resembled a chimpanzee, left a heavy slap on Alhaji's face. "Return the prick now or I'll kill you."
"Walaitalai, me I nover thieve am for any prick for my life."
"Return the boy's prick, Alhaji" the hefty man roared again, leaving another staggering slap on Alhaji's face. "Before you turn this boy prick to Dollars, I go kill you."

While Alhaji sat on the floor, his flowing agbada gathering dust, a pregnant woman remarked, "Don't punish the innocent for nothing. Don't punish the innocent for nothing. This boy suppose open him boxers make we see with our korokoro eyes say true true him Gala dey miss"
"Oya open your boxers," the impatient crowd yelled. "Make we see say your Gala dey miss true true."

The young man, whose name I knew afterward to be Emeka, rose to his feet. He had cried out his eyes and misplaced his voice.
"See, everybody see."
His boxer shorts had now fallen below his kneels and we saw, amongst what appeared to be a scanty black forest, an inch of black rope. Nothing more. A door had seemed to appear in his waist through which his prick had vanished, leaving its tail. How can a boy in his twenties have such a length of Gala? Alhaji must have stolen it with his charm, we thought.
"Una see say I no dey lie? This man don thieve my prick" Emeka cried.

The hefty man who would pass for a tamed chimp moved his great head forward, grabbed Alhaji by the neck and started to drag him away from the filling stations.
"By the time way I set you on fire, you go return this boy prick way you thieve, idiot."
We all followed this strange hefty man.
"Oga, put this tire for him neck. I get small fuel for here and we fit buy matches for that shop make we burn am to ashes." Someone whose face I couldn't see jeered.
"Okay"
"Walaitalai, Walaitalai, me I no thieve am for anybody prick." Alhaji cried helplessly but nobody listened to him.

Just when the hefty man was about to lit the fortunate match that would roast Alhaji like cashew nuts, two events occurred simultaneously. "I go return am. Oga, I beg I go return the prick way I thieve. Make I touch the boy back."
"You better do."

Alhaji was still walking towards Emeka's direction when someone in the crowd screamed, "Mobil don dey sell fuel oo."
At once Emeka's shrunken prick started to rise like a yeasted flour. It rose steadily until it became as strong as a rock.
"Don't touch me," Emeka yelled. "My prick don come back." Emeka started scampering towards the Mobil filling station to join the light queue that was forming. I ran too. Who does not want to buy cheap petrol?
"I don see my prick, Godwin" Emeka repeated, as he ran.

At the end, nobody could say whether it was Alhaji or the Mobil filling station which started selling fuel that returned the missing prick, if there was any missing prick in the first place.

Ademule David is a student of human society and crime; he writes from and lives in Lagos where he goes about carrying his magical pen in his pockets.

Source: http://facebook.com/thesocialmicroscope

You get the job and shout for joy, you tell your family and friends and they all carry out Thanksgiving on your behalf, you go to church and declare your testimony. Church members dance for you, the Pastor prays for you, everyone is happy for you. 


Two weeks later you realise you've just walked into hell, not the hell burning with fire as prophesied in the bible, not the hell burning with brimstone either, but a hell that's cold with air conditioner. You've just walked into the air conditioned hell. 


What or where is this air conditioned hell? It is always domiciled in a building, usually called an office. The chains are your computers, the sin that brought you there is the employment offer you accepted, the whip are sanctions thrown at you by bosses who don't care if you're thirsty or have to ease yourself, the demons are the bosses themselves who talk to you like you're a piece of shit, the devil is perhaps the high rate of unemployment in the country which pushed you into accepting such an offer without informing you that you were walking right into hell. 


You want to leave, but you're scared that even if you leave you won't make heaven (a better offer). So you remain there, you remain as a slave, working like a prisoner, the reward you get is just enough to take care of you. Your reward is usually not above 70,000. You remain there crying and dying secretly, time flies by, and the 70k is no longer enough for you, but you remain in that hell, for fear of the unknown, you're in hell, you know you're a slave, but you still remain there hoping for a miracle, unfortunately for you, you can't even go for other interviews, so you remain in that hell and burn away or should I say, freeze away. 


We have so many of such hell in Nigeria. Contract jobs in the bank are perfect examples, another perfect example is a call centre located in Ilupeju and owned by a bank. Shame the devil today, list other air conditioned hell you know. 

Written by Anonymous for The Social Microscope Weekly

Source: http://facebook.com/thesocialmicroscope

"Yaba, Ojuelegba; Yaba, Ojuelegba," the stern-looking bus conductor called out repeatedly at passersby, his potential passengers. "Yaba, Yaba. Ojuelegba. Ojuelegba. Enter with your N100 change oo; Ogbeni, this one no get change o. N1000, N500 no enter o," The conductor's throaty voice floated aimlessly in the air like a strand of wool.

He was a young man in his early twenties, although he had three missing front teeth; and I wondered with what teeth he would eat kola nuts if he lived beyond sixty years. I also wondered why the demons on Lagos roads took pleasure in stealing the teeth of bus conductors, particularly. Are there bus conductors in Lagos with complete sets of teeth?

"Ogbeni, shey you get change?" the bus conductor turned to me as I approached his motionless Danfo.
"I get change," I answered, hopping into the bus. The scent of Indian hemp filled my nostrils; obviously it came from the tattered singlet of the bus conductor. Luckily, I occupied the only vacant seat left in the bus. It was close to the door, close to the clinging conductor. The passengers felt quite relieved because the driver would move now; for, driven by the urgue to make full profit, he had refused to move with a single empty seat.

A few seconds afterward, the yellow bus sneezed violently and the journey to Ojuelegba started. And, soon, the mild rush of the Saturday wind blew across the stuffy bus, into my ears, into my mouth. And my eyes brightened like the proverbial man who went deficating in the forest and found a bag of money on his way back. I was enjoying this splendid sensation when a chubby-looking man who sat beside the bus driver broke the silence.

"My friend," said he smilingly, his gaze was fixed at the bus driver. "all those who stole our monies, monies meant for the purchase of arms to fight Boko Haram, will rot in jail." He flipped the newspaper on his laps. "Dansuki and co. will rot in jail. This is APC government; it is no longer business as usual."
"Please, my brother, make them go jail now. Buhari go jail all of them." Another passenger cried from the back seat. "PDP thief thief don end. Change don come."
"Abeg make we hear word jor," an angry woman roared. "Which kind yeye change don come? Shey Buhari government don rescue the Chibok girls ni abi shey Buhari don defeat Boko Haram ni? No change anywhere. Don't let anybody deceive you."

"Madam, you're obviously among the ignorant, those whom we call the wailing wailers." The newspaper-wielding man in the front seat adjusted himself, turning back his huge head. "Can't you see the significant improvement in the power sector since Buhari assumed power? Didn't you hear stories of politicians returning stolen monies? Didn't you see how Buhari's body language has put everything in shape? You said the Chibok girls have not been rescued, I agree. But our gallant soldiers, under President Buhari, have regained all the territories captured by Boko Haram. If you can't see the fragrant wind of change, then you're frankly blind."
"But oga, you don't have to insult this woman na. She just expressed her opinion now. If na ya wife nko? You this man sef." Another man replied, his Igbo accent was strong. Very strong.
"Leave am alone, let am insult me na. The change his yeye APC has brought is to remove freedom of expression, to disgrace court orders. See Nnamdi Kanu. See Olisa Metuh. See people way Buhari is persecuting because he no get tolerance for opposition. Shame on your change. The only change your APC has bring is no freedom of speech and inconclusive elections. How many APC people does Jonathan arresting during his tenure?"

"Metuh is a thief; let him clear his name. Kanu is a terrorist. Let him clear his name. Change is here, no room for complacency. Madam, open your eyes. If Jonathan refused to arrest anybody, it was because his hands are not clean. Imagine, can you say Jonathan knows nothing about Dansuki loot?" The man beside the driver was getting furious.

"Oga, I don dey watch you since. No deceive us. No change anywhere. Buhari say him go give N5000 to unemployed youths, way the money? Buhari say him go make 1 naira equal to 1 dollar; now 1 dollar don climb go reach N300? Abi na the 50kobo reduction for the price of fuel you call change?" the Igbo-accented man laughed. "Abeg leave thrash for LAWMA."

Everyone on the lurching bus rang out in wild laughter. The bus conductor laughed too - the door of his missing teeth revealing his blackened, serrated tongue. Does he sniff snuff too? God knows. He however quenched the thick tension in the air when he asked that every passenger should gather their fare.
"Aja six nbo leyin, gbera. Aja nine nbo ni waju, gbera. Abeg, money line by line. Me I no hear Oyinbo o. No change o."

We obliged and a few minutes afterwards the whole fare had found itself in the conductor's pockets. By now, I wished the argument would continue but I was disappointed. Everyone on the bus was quiet except, of course, for the horn of the bus which blarred at the slightest provocation. At last we arrived Yaba.

"Yaba, Yaba. Maa nogerelanule! Gbera!"
"Owa o. Yaba wa o." the chubby man in the front seat signalled. "Conductor, I want to collect change. You'll give me N100 change."
"Oga, but I tell you say no change before you enter. Oniwahala leleyi o." The conductor dipped his left hand into his front pocket and brought out a crisp N100 note. "Take your change, Oga. Make you carry your wahala go."

"Excuse me sir," a teenager who sat to my left called out to the alighting man. "Excuse me sir, excuse me sir. I heard you talking about change since morning and I have decided not to make any comment until now. There is no change anywhere. The real and only change is that which the bus conductor or vendor or trader gives you after making your payment and you put in your pockets."

The alighting man stood dumbfounded, wishing he had never asked the bus conductor for his N100 change.

Ademule David is a student of human society and crime; he writes from Lagos.
Follow on Twitter@Ademule_David

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Thanks for this info, Well done.

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Majidun Youths Protest Human Rights Violation by Nigerian Navy

There was pandemonium 11am today at Majidun area of Ikorodu as some angry youths in the neighborhood protested the violation of human rights by Navy officers deployed in the area some months ago.
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The Navy officers were deployed to Majidun towards the end of last year, following intelligence reports that Majidun had become a den of pipeline vandals. The military men had since remained in Majidun, barricading the famous Chief Omoyele Street, which is off Lagos Road, and disrupting business and social activities in the area.
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The placard carrying youths today said they wanted the military men to be redeployed from Majidun following disturbing cases of human rights abuses by the military men. The protesting youths also accused the military men of raping innocent teenage girls at night, beating up passersby in broad day light, having sex with married women and mindless intimidation of traders.
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"Baba Alia was asked to swim in the gutters last week because his wife told them (the military men) that Baba Alia didn't drop money for food before going to work" one of the protesters who doesn't want to have her name in print said. Another protester who simply indentified himself as Dare said, "Make dem go, make dem go. Na thunder go fire them. Dem dey rape our girls. Dem no get sense. No be wetin their oga send them come do be this."
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The protests started peacefully but became violent when men of the Nigerian Navy started to shoot sporadically into the air, to disband the teeming protesters. Men of the Nigerian police force too have arrived in their Hilux vehicles to restore peace in the area. Unknown number of persons were reportedly injured as at press time.
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A resident of Majidun popularly known as Story wrote on Facebook, "Navy is useless in our community". Bolaji added, " Our freedom of expression and movement have been violated, shameless Navy". The residents of Majidun had, before today, cried out severally to the Naval command to caution its officers deployed to Majidun but without much attention. One can only believe that their voices will be heard after today's protests.

Green, an eye witness, anonymously writes from Majidun, Ikorodu.

On Giving: Things Our Pastors Don't Tell Us

Today, the gospel of Jesus Christ has been preached in nearly every continent of the world, becoming even more popular than Coca-Cola - that herby-looking, sweet drink. But unlike Coca-Cola which has a predictable taste all over the world, the original gospel of Jesus has been diluted, refined and even deliberately corrupted and, in most cases, for the benefit of the peddlers, our pastors.
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The sweet whispers of capitalism has crept into the church, luring pastors to preach the gospel for sheer fame and monetary returns. Prosperity messages, seed sowing messages and tithing messages have replaced the original gospel of Jesus, which is to show men that they can be saved if they deeply believe in him and forsake their old ways. The proliferation of churches in the nook and cranny of cities might not be unconnected to the impact of capitalism on the gospel of Christ.
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Our pastors no longer tell us the truth as it is in the bible, instead they tell us their own truths, truths that promotes their capitalist agenda. One of the truths our pastors have refused to tell us is that tithe was never mandated by Jesus Christ, that tithe was never mentioned as a criteria to make heaven, that the idea of tithing was alien to the New Testament. There was no single account of either Jesus or his disciples paying tithe. Hear what Jesus told the Pharisees concerning payment of tithes:

"But woe unto you, Pharisees! for ye tithe mint and rue and all manner of herbs, and pass over judgment and the love of God: these ought ye to have done, and not to leave the other undone." Matt. 23:23
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Another truth our pastors have refused to tell us was that Jesus never compelled or cajoled anyone to give anything. When Jesus needed to pay his tax, he didn't compel his disciples to donate money - he was sensitive to their plight. Instead, he told Peter, who was an excellent fisherman, to go and catch a fish, a fish which, perhaps, escaped from the vault of Central Bank. It was in the mouth of this fish the needed money was found.

Again, when Jesus wanted to feed the multitude He didn't go about looking for the rich in the large gathering to sell off their estate, so that He could carry out the task. Surprisingly, a lad in the large gathering voluntarily gave his five barley loaves and two fishes to the disciples of Jesus. It was these food that Jesus multiplied to feed the multitude. At the end of the day, everyone was happy because there was left over, because nobody's pocket was at risk.
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In addition, our pastors have made us believe that we can ONLY give to God by giving to them. This is one of the deceitful ideologies through which several big, money-mining churches were planted all over the world. Jesus Christ didn't say people should shower him with material resources if they wanted God to notice or bless them. Contrarily, Jesus Christ told his disciples that whatever they did to their neighbours was done unto God. If a man clothes his neighbour, he had covered God's unclothedness. If a man feeds his neighbour, the same had fed God. There is greater reward in blessing an unknown stranger than blessing a pastor. Jesus declared thus:
"Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me." Matt. 25:45

Finally, our pastors haven't told us that Jesus was not a materialist. Our pastors haven't told us that Jesus instructed his followers not to love the world and the things of the world. Today, private jets have become the peak of anointing, a means through which people can know pastors who are truly called by God. Interesting. Recently, one of the most respected men of God in Nigeria and in the world, while defending the ownership of a private jet, remarked thus: "you don't expect me to preach the gospel all over the world on a bicycle"

Jesus Christ told his followers categorically: "Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." Matt. 6: 19-21.
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The materialistic posture of the church in the present day world is very disturbing; our pastors really need to start telling us the truth; they need to start following the personal examples of Jesus Christ.

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Ademule David is a student of human society; he writes from Lagos.

10 Funny Things That Can Kill You in Nigeria
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One of the greatest certainties of life is death. It is, no doubt, as certain as daybreak. Knowing this, however, you don't want to die, to die carelessly. You don't want to die prematurely too; and, above all, you want to be decently buried at old age. In Nigeria, unfortunately, Death doesn't write you a letter before it kills you. Death is rude - it can kill you anytime, anyhow.
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Here are 10 funny things that can kill you in Nigeria:
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1. Stray Bullet

Nigerian policemen are well trained and equipped; nevertheless, the slight problem is that they carry guns which discharge bullets too carelessly. If you're unfortunate, such bullets may hit you in the street and you'll say goodbye to the world forever.
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2. Uncovered Gutters

Gutters ought to help solve the problems associated with erosion, right? Yes. How then does gutter kill? Uncovered gutters, especially the very deep ones, can kill you in the night if you accidentally fall into one and there's nobody around to quickly help you. You may end up breaking your neck and get killed in the process.
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3. Banana Peels

Banana, that long, curvy succulent fruit, is very sweet when trapped in your throat but it is a different story when trapped beneath the sole of your shoes. Banana peels, when not properly disposed, might kill you when you unconsciously step on it. Imagine yourself stepping on banana peels carelessly lying on the floor, and, staggering backward, you fell on broken bottles that another idiot has left on the floor. Will you be alive to tell the story?
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4. Generator

There are electric poles everywhere in Nigeria, only that electricity is epileptic. Consequently, most people, even you, rely on generator. This is not a bad idea but your generator can kill you if luck run against you. One precious evening, you might be attending to your generator and your phone would ring. You, feeling you're better than your neighbour, might smile, bring out your phone while kneeling before your generator, and then all you hear is BOOOOMMMM. Your generator has cut fire roasting you alive like a cat fish.
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5. Traffic Jam

Birds can fly freely in the sky on windy and windless days but man can't. Nigerians, especially those living in Lagos, spend not less than two hours daily in terrific traffic jam. If you live and work in Lagos, you're unsafe. Work stress and traffic jam, over a long period of time, can kill you.
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6. Live Wires

Watch your back whenever you walk on the street. Although you may not have power in your homes for days, those shiny, silvery wires you see connecting concrete poles are very dangerous. And because the contractors who fix them are corrupt, wanting to make excess profits, the wires break like thread. If your 'Chi' sleeps for a second, while scrolling in the street, the wire may fall on top of your head and you're gone.
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7. Petrol

With the recent and endless crisis rocking the Nigerian oil industry, petrol is gradually becoming one of the most likely thing that can kill a Nigerian, you. The hike in pump price has made oil bunkery very desirable, making you to buy stolen oil in gallons. You keep unused petrol in gallons and hide them in your toilet. And then it happens, your mischievous cousin, who notoriously smokes Indian hemp, comes to pay you a visit. Intending to hide his 'Igbo' from you, he goes into the toilet to smoke. BOOMMMMM. The whole family, including you, is roasted like cashew nuts.
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8. Pinging

In a world where internet is next to the air you breadth, pinging has become your greatest distraction. You ping all day long, smiling at your phone at unrhythmic intervals. You have lost your sanity, many people think. Pinging has claimed a number of lives, and if you aren't careful, it can claim your life too. If you want to die, ping whenever you're crossing the highway.
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9. Pepper

Some Nigerians believe that pepper is very good for the eyes (not when it comes in contact with it). They believe that eating pepper makes the eyes see clearer. Whether these beliefs are true or not, too much pepper in your food is very risky and might kill you. Imagine yourself eating pepper soup with goat meat, and then you remember something very funny that has happened in the past. You coughed slightly and then heavily. You wanted to drink water to quench the fire in your throats but it was too late. The flames has got to your heart, eaten it deeply, and you're gone.
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10. This Write Up

This write up can kill you if you take it too seriously. Lol
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Ps: This article is just an exploration of the Sociology of Death and Dying - the society you live in determines how you're very likely going to die. Your death might necessarily not be your own mistake; it could be the mistake of others.

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Ademule David is a student of Human Society. He lives and writes from Lagos, where he goes about carrying his pen in his pockets.
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Visit and LIKE http://facebook.com/thesocialmicroscope for more articles

Neduzze5:
In my farm, I saw this fruit/tree. Its been there for years but it just recently started fruiting.

I'm still wondering what fruit/tree it could be.
Wanted to cut it down but decided to ask before going further. Who knows, it could be a money spinning fruit

Who can help me out?

Pavore9, Farmtech and others please

It is the fruit Eve gave to Adam in the garden of Eden.

Five Ps Why the PDP Fell Apart

In 1998, when the ban on political activities was lifted in Nigeria, paving way for the return of civil rule after about 16 straight years of military rule, the PDP was formed. In the year that followed, PDP brilliantly became the ruling political party. It overwhelmingly won the presidential, gubernatorial, and parliamentary elections held in 1999, 2003, 2007 and 2011. As a matter of fact, the PDP was not only the truest national party in the history of Nigeria, it became, arguably, the hugest political party in Africa.

Regardless of the complicate, heterogeneous nature of the Nigerian state, PDP was able to smoothly sail on the turbulent oceans of Nigerian politics for sixteen years. In those gloomy years, PDP survived the virulent regional and ethno-religious sentiments which have characterised Nigerian politics since the introduction of the Richard's constitution in 1948. Formed by prominent Nigerian business moguls and high-ranking ex-service men, PDP also made history as the first political party in Nigeria to have produced three democratically elected presidents.

The PDP grew so blossomly that in 2008, during a condolence visit to Kaduna State over the death of Mallam Yahaya Gusau by the members of the PDP's National Working Committeee, the then National chairman of the PDP, Prince Vincent Ogbulafor, boasted thus: “We assure you we will do our best, and like I always say, the challenge is ours, the time is now and the place is here. PDP will rule Nigeria, whether they like it or not, for not less than 60 years,”

Unfortunately, and quite ironically, the man who through a military coup d'etat truncated Nigeria's democracy 16 years before the formation of PDP also became the man whose victory at the presidential polls ended PDP's sixteen years rule, making Ogbulafor's predictions immaterial. The results of the 2015 general elections have clearly established the All Progressives Congress (APC) as the new ruling party, obviously pushing PDP into the lonely road of opposition politics.

In the past few weeks scholars have identified a number of reasons why PDP fell apart. While some of these reasons appear very compelling, others have remained strongly disputable. In this article, I shall explore five Ps why PDP fell apart. I do not expect, however, that the reader would agree with all my points - for enlightened minds learn best by first disagreeing. Consequently, I shall present my controversial points in the following subheadings.

Poor Propaganda Wing

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary sees propaganda as "ideas or statements that are often false or exaggerated and that are spread in order to help a cause, a political leader, a government, etc." Propaganda determines the life span of any modern government.

A government should be kind to her citizens by not only securing their lives and property but by telling them believable lies. One of the reasons why PDP fell apart was because it could no longer tell Nigerians believable lies - the propaganda wing of PDP became too poor, too fragile.

For instance, President Jonathan of the PDP propagandistically told Nigerians and the world that Nigeria has become the largest economy in Africa, which is not untrue, but Nigerians did not believe. Nigerians did not believe because there was a heavily armed propaganda wing of the APC that was unrepentantly discrediting the PDP, insisting that Nigeria couldn't have been the largest economy in Africa when a vast majority of Nigerians live in peasantry, in abject poverty.

In the end, who did Nigerians believe? The APC of course. The results of the 2015 presidential elections is evident.

Press Hijack

The PDP also partly fell apart because it allowed the opposition to hijack the press - the fourth estate of the realm. While the PDP flourished excellently, it was , or it seemed to be, more concerned about staying in power than what the popular newspapers were reporting about it. Popular newspapers such as Punch, The Nation and Leadership are owned and controlled by members of the opposition and it played a great role in sensationalizing insignificant national issues.

Opposition hijack of the press was not limited to the print media, it extended to online media. In this regard, Saharan Reporters and Premium Times, arguably, played the greatest role in the fall of President Jonathan and the PDP. These two investigative, rebellious online media houses never published anything good about the PDP and President Jonathan, turning an army of youth against the PDP and its policies.

Saharan Reporters and Premium Times were the first media group who raised the alarm on Oduagate, the allegedly missing oil money, the Ekitigate, NIS scandal, etc. Contrarily, these two media houses did everything possible to ensure that Buhari's certificate uproar is silenced. And since Nigerians are more disposed to believing facts than the ruling party, their loyalty to the opposition grew like green grasses in the wet seasons.

Personality Clash Between Governor Rotimi Amaechi and Patience Jonathan

Patience Jonathan is, perhaps, the best female comedian in Nigeria. During her public appearances as the First Lady of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, she has won for herself millions of followers who, for some queer reasons, have fallen in love with her humorous usage of the English Language.

However, beyond the there-is-God-oo and my-fellow-widow self of the First Lady, she is a great politician. Little wonder former President Olusegun Obasanjo named her one of the five presidents of Nigeria. At the peak of Patience's influence, insiders at Aso Rock claimed that Nigeria could be sold to anyone who made Patience exceedingly happy.

Towards the second half of Jonathan's regime, the First Lady somewhat became tired of dictating the affairs of things at Aso Rock. She wanted to localize her influence, seeking to control the politics in her native state, Rivers State. Unknown to Patience, Governor Rotimi Amaechi was not a phlegmatic, was a strong man.

Consequently, the relationship between Rotimi and the presidency waned dramatically like a candle in a cup of hot coffee. One night, when the world was as still as a statue, Patience whispered to her husband. And then the next morning something happened. Jonathan scuttled the elections of the Nigerian Governor's Forum, inventing the phenomenal mathematics of 16>19.

The NGF became factional and Amaechi became frustrated and violently angry. The results? Amaechi led the defection of four other PDP governors to the APC, an action that would later mark the fall of the PDP. The APC won all the states governed by the defected PDP governors, except, of course, in Rivers State where the presidential elections were held and the results collated under 'special conditions'.

Presidential Spokespersons

The ultimate job of a presidential spokesperson is neither to crucify the opposition nor make bogus statements to remain on the payroll of the president; it is, as a matter of fact, to make the president the public's pet. If there was one bad luck President Goodluck had, it was the luck of choosing incompetent spokespersons. Rather than making President Jonathan appear like a pet before Nigerians, his spokesperson made him look like a pest before the public.

One of the most reckless statements from Jonathan's spokespersons came from Doyin Okupe, wherein he said President Jonathan was Nigeria's Jesus Christ. The statement was widely condemned and it was, disputably, why some Christians in the SouthWest voted against PDP and the candidature of President Jonathan. They couldn't, maybe, stand the sight of witnessing the Second Coming of the Nigerian messiah.

As if Doyin Okupe's tyranny was insufficient, Jonathan recruited the services of Chief Fani Kayode, an erstwhile opposition attack dog, to direct his presidential campaign. Fani could, no doubt, excellently speak English but most of his talks were rash, very rash. So, only a few Nigerians took Fani seriously whenever he addresses his endless press conferences. Had Jonathan had some stroke of good luck when it came to choosing presidential spokespersons, perhaps the spokespersons would have used their power of oratory to rescue President Jonathan, to rescue PDP.

Performance Problem

'Change' was the sand and slogan which the APC used in burying the PDP in the build up to the 2015 general elections. This was not a coincidence; the APC strategists exploited the conservative posture of the PDP to bury it. The PDP's 16 sixteen years rule had indefensible performance problems. From the enigmatic Obasanjo to the late Umaru Yar'adua, and from the late Umaru Yar'adua to the outgoing Jonathan, Nigerians had so many questions which the PDP led government had no answers to.

Some of these questions included: Why is corruption pervasive in nearly every sector of the Nigerian society? Why is youth unemployment unprecedentedly high? Why is nearly every household in Nigeria in the grip of poverty? Why is electricity still epileptic 50 years after independence? The inability of the PDP government to answer most of these questions and several others made Nigerians embraced change, nailing the PDP's coffin.

A living dog is better than a dead lion. The PDP has fallen from the national ladder of leadership but it is not dead yet. It can still rise again. If it must rise, nevertheless, it must play its new role as an opposition party effectively and maturely. It must also avoid some of the mistakes which rocked its political boat as a ruling party.

Ademule David is a student of human society, he writes from Lagos.
Daviddenigma@gmail.com
@ademule_david

2015: Choosing Between Two Evils

It is joyful thing, I believe, that the 2015 general elections is only a few weeks from now. It is a sad pity, however, that the two leading political parties, the PDP and the APC, have only succeeded in fielding what, to me, seem to be two mediocres for the presidential elections.

In light of the 21st century challenges confronting and threatening the existence Nigeria as a nation, one would have naturally expected to see vibrant, brilliant-minded individuals with clear roadmaps for development emerging as the presidential flag bearers of the two major political parties in the country but the various party conventions, at best, have only presented us with two rottened oranges from which we must, unfortunately, suck or starve.

Being the first country on the African soil to win a Nobel prize for Literature; being the home country of Pastor E. A Adeboye, one of the most influential clergy in world's history; being the first African country to win an Olympic gold medal in soccer, among other things, Nigeria does not deserve to have two crude-minded persons, two double tragedy, seeking the highest office of the land at the same time.

The PDP presidential flagbearer, Dr. Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, and his APC counterpart, Gen. Muhammadu Buhari, are, truth be told, only good presidential aspirants if Nigeria were to be a 15th century budding nation, where bows and arrows are the most sophisticated weapon. None of the two candidates have the capability to rescue Nigeria out of the present mess. None of the two candidates has presented a clear and unambiguous roadmap on how he hopes to strengthen the weakened institutions in the country, fix the nosediving economy, provide surplus jobs for the teeming youth population, tackle corruption, revive agriculture, stabilize power, and end insurgency in the North-eastern states.

Permit me to briskly run a commentary on the two presidential aspirants: Goodluck Ebele Jonathan is a Phd holder that doesn't know the difference between stealing and corruption. How will corruption not increase under his watch? Goodluck Jonathan was born without a silver spoon, going to school in a little wooden canoe but today he flies in and operates a fleet of private jet. Is he sensitive to the plights of the poor? Can a president who went to dance 'skelewu' at a PDP Kano rally less than 24hours after the Nyanya blast, which claimed over fifty innocent lives, fight insurgency to a halt?

Goodluck's cluelessness is not limited to his actions, they reflect in the way he responds to delicate national issues. In a live presidential media chat, when he was asked to express his views on the allegedly missing 20billion dollars in the oil sector Goodluck, looking calm and beaming with smiles as ever, said something that sounded like "I don't believe any money is missing. If any money is indeed missing, the United States would have raised the alarm before anybody else. Since the US has remained quiet, no money is missing..." Any SS1 student offering Government, who having taught the sovereignty of nations, deserves to be severely flogged for such utterances. It is a pity that a Phd holder will provide such an unintelligent answer to such a sensitive question before millions of viewers worldwide. How can people with this kind of childish mentality discern the demerits of the devaluation of Naira?

Now, I turn my attention to General Muhammadu Buhari, who was a former military Head of State and the only Nigerian in living memory that has contested for the presidency for a record three times in a row. The forthcoming presidential elections will be his fourth. If anything is known about Buhari, it is the fact that he has built for himself the reputation of uttering unguarded utterances. By the grace of God, Buhari said shortly after he lost the 2011 elections, the dog and the baboon will be soaked in blood....and the North has been boiling afterward. Buhari is also credited to have said 'an attack on Boko Haram is an attack on the north'. The fact that Buhari hasn't directly or indirectly apologized for these careless statements since he made them, portray him as a selfish, sectorial leader. How can such a leader protect the secularity of the Nigerian state?

Although I wasn't born during Buhari's regime, Buhari was said to have ruthlessly fought corruption. The peddlers of 'change' are claiming that Buhari's second coming will mark the end of corruption in Nigeria. This is candidly ridiculous. More than half of the national leaders of the APC are rottenly corrupt politicians. Will they spend their 'blood money' to finance Buhari's campaign and still get a jail sentence instead of a 'thank you' when Buhari eventually wins? God forbid. How then can Buhari be a trustworthy crusader of corruption? This writer is laughing in Greek.

Nigeria presently needs well-tutored, broad-minded presidents with lucid vision but, sadly, Goodluck and Buhari, two square pegs, cannot fit this rounded peg of socio-economic advancement of Nigeria. While Goodluck is merely a Phd holder on paper, he goes about with a standard six brain. Buhari is an old general who knows where his guns are kept but has carelessly left his educational certificates in the custody of the military. Both men are careless and half-baked. And people like them cannot save us now. We need new names.

However, sadly, if asked to choose between the two evils, Goodluck and Buhari, I will choose the lesser evil which, methinks, is Buhari. Here are some of my reasons for making this unfortunate decision. First, Buhari is a man of integrity - even the garrulous Obasanjos, Fani-Kayodes and Doyin Okupes of this world have not made any comment suggesting otherwise. Second, history has something to write about the achievements of the Buhari/Idiagbon regime - foremost which are the fight against corruption and the refusal to embrace the imperialistic policies of IMF. What will history write about Jonathan's administration? Third, Buhari has been contesting since 2003, a strong reason to believe that he truly has a vision, whether myopic or not, for Nigeria. Jonathan became president by providence and has continued to leave the destiny of Nigerians in the hands of Providence. Lastly, the choice of the young and vibrant Prof. Osinbajo as Buhari's running mate instills the confidence that APC can indeed lay a solid foundation for the 'change' Nigerians have been clamouring for.

I will close this discourse with this parable: man, as a rule, must die. Death is evil. Although death is death, it is better to die in one's sleep than to die by hanging. It is not my duty to tell the reader the candidate that is like dying in one's sleep and the one that is like death by hanging.

Ademule David is a social critic and a student of Human Society. He writes from Lagos.

Follow on twitter @ademule_david

Xcapist: Wow! Bro! This piece is superb, I mean the way you write, I enjoyed every sentence. Please do let us know if you get a reply, or better still, post it here.

thanks bro, I'll.

Yes I have tried it; am actually writing from hell. Lol

egopersonified: Op, did you really create this? Couldnt stop laughing at the suicide part, so detailed, by the way, have you tried any of these before? So we can testify how potent your advice is.

Yes I have tried it; am actually writing from hell. Lol

Dear Allah, it's me David. I perceive you may not know me too well but I have heard so much about you from my Muslim friends. Some of the reasons I feel you may not know me include: first, I am not a Muslim. Therefore, naturally, I'm guilty of not observing some of the main pillars of Islam especially the ones that are alien to my inherited faith - Christianity.

Particularly, I do not pray five times daily - it is either I pray less or more than fives daily. I also do not fast during Ramadan, though I partake in the feast with my Muslim friends. And finally, dear Allah, I have never been to Mecca either as a pilgrim or a businessman. I have, however, seen Mecca on the television and I should tell you that I love the crowd and the elephantine black box, which is always being flocked around by the faithfuls. I hope to visit it someday, by your grace.

Dear Allah, while I believe you may not know me very well because of the aforelisted reasons, your friend or, perhaps, your brother, Jehovah, the God of the Christians, knows me very well. It was his servants, I was told, that named me 'David' on the seventh day I was born. I was dedicated to him in the temple, and I have remained in his tent to this day. He knows me quite well. Perhaps, with due respect, you may, through your winged angels, send Jehovah a correspondence to verify my claims.

Before I go into the main subject of this letter, dear Allah, I strongly apologize for not writing in Arabic, the language with which you dictated the Holy Qur'an to your dignified servant Prophet Muhammed (peace be unto him). This is because my country was colonized by Great Britain and, consequently, I was educated in English. But, dear Allah, I have no single fear that, being the inventor of the human language and the several intricate writing systems in the world, you will completely understand this letter; even beyond what I lack words to express.

Dear Allah, it is an unusual thing for a mere mortal like me, who, making matters worse, is also not a Muslim, to write you a letter. I beg your pardon. I know that you are a gracious and peaceful and well-meaning God and will not discriminate against me. This said, I also know you are a very busy God. So, let me swiftly bring to your attention, although as an omniscient you already know, the reasons why this letter has become necessary.

I write this letter chiefly because of the security situation in my dear country Nigeria. Beloved Allah, you already know; the hazy smokes are rising into the high heavens where you reside. Beloved Allah, you already know; most of the persons that are knocking the gate of Hades these days are poor Nigerians, with splattered or missing body parts. Dear Allah, you already know; Boko Haram has unleashed naked terror upon Nigeria, especially northeastern Nigeria where bomb blasts have become more frequent than farts.

I should have directed this letter to Jehovah, your brother, who knows me very well and whom am familiar with. But I didn't, apparently because Boko Haram has yet to involve him. All the way, however, Boko Haramists have been claiming to be your loyalists; something I very much doubt. Claiming responsibility for some heart-rending attacks, Abubakar Shekau who had become the most wanted man in Nigerian history had alleged, very frequently, that it was you who gave him the licence to kill infidels, including me. Dear Allah, is it true?

No. It can't be true! You are a peace-loving God, my Muslim friends have kept insisting. I believe they are right, anyway. Nevertheless, beloved Allah, many people have assumed that you're too quiet on this matter. What have you been doing to earn the trust of Nigerians all over the world to indeed prove that Abubakar Shekau is merely a beast and not your boy? I perceive that you are doing something to bring Shekau to judgement; please, whatever it is, do it fast.

As I write, I believe that, long before now, news must have gotten to your desk that some hundred days ago Boko Haram abducted over 200 girls at Chibok area of Borno State. Dear Allah, the thoughts of the trauma the girls would have gone through during this period have given numberless Nigerians and other global citizens strong headache. A few days after these girls were abducted, dear Allah, Abubakar Shekau released a shocking video, which I believe must have been watched in the parlour of heaven, wherein he indicted you. Yes, you.

Shekau, ranting like a wild dog (I am sorry I have to refer to my fellow man as a dog), said you asked him to sell the girls. Here are Shekau's words quoted verbatim: “I abducted your girls. I will sell them in the market, by ALLAH. There is a market for selling humans. ALLAH says I should sell. He commands me to sell. I will sell women. I sell women."

Now, Almighty Allah, the above statements have misled so many people globally, making them to think you are a violent, bloodthirsty God. But I strongly doubt these insinuations. However, dear Allah, my personal opinion about you is not sufficient to change the dwindling minds of millions of people across the globe. You need to do something, and, whatever it is, please do it very fast.

Terrorism, timeless Allah, is new to Nigeria but it is not new to you, the almighty. There was a time, my Muslim friends told me, that Satanam tried to terrorize the peace of the kingdom of heavens, attempting to subvert your flawless throne. You waged a war against Satanam and his cohorts, defeating them outrightly. You, it was said, sent him to the earth, where he has remained to this day. Afterwards, peace has reigned in your kingdom. Please, do the same thing in Africa; send Boko Haram outside Africa: may be to the the red sea.

One of the ways of doing this, if it will not sound rude for a mere mortal like me to advice you, is to collaborate with Jehovah. Both of you may have your differences, but please put it aside for the sake of Nigeria, for the sake of Africa. Jehovah, too, has a wealth of experience in handling terrorism, because the Devil had also attempted to overthrow him in ancient times. If both of you should combine your strength and pool of experience, it is my humble view that Boko Haram would be wiped out in less than a second. Please, take no offence. It is just my humble opinion.

If you and Jehovah eventually agree to hold a summit, please I suggest you talk about the ceaseless and senseless strife between your followers and the followers of Jehovah. Many Governments in Nigeria have tried to make peace in the past but the peace pacts have always failed on each occasion. I trust that both of you will come up with a new treaty that would ensure perpetual peace between the Muslims and the Christians in Nigeria and the whole world. Let the bloodshed in Nigeria stop; let the bloodshed in Gaza stop. Let Christians and Muslims unite and live like bread and butter.

I presently do not keep beards because I may be suspected as a terrorist. I admire beards, anyway, and I think I have fertile cheeks to grow it. And I make a promise to you today, dear Allah, that as soon as Boko Haram becomes history in Nigeria, I will start growing beards. Ultimately, I shall convert to Islam, wallowing in the solace of sitting on the prayer mat, of fiddling the prayer beads, and humming sweet Arabic words.

I trust you will use your mighty and everlasting office to attend to the issues I have raised in this letter. Dear Allah, it's me David. Please have mercy on Nigeria, and have mercy on me, too.

Gandhi Green, a student of human society, writes from Lagos.
daviddenigma@gmail.com

How To Beat Your Woman Without Being Jailed

Who says it is very wrong to beat women? Nonsense. Arrant baloney! Women deserve to be thoroughly beaten because they are too stubborn, too erratic. Women have always created problem for men; even the Holy Bible tells us that the first man fell because of his wife. Therefore, it is quite safe to say that if God had not created women there would, most likely, be no sin in the world. I sincerely wish Adam had beaten the hell out of Eve after the inglorious fall, to teach other generation of women great lessons. But Adam didn't.

Still in the Bible, the most notorious woman ever, Jezebel, made her softhearted husband, King Ahab, to kill the hardworking Naboth over a piece of vineyard. Who asked for the head of John the Baptist on a platter of Gold? Woman. On whose laps did the most powerful man that ever drank water fell? Woman. Samson fell on Delilah's laps. Abacha, too, according to some sources, was killed by apples (I can't tell the kind of apples) given to him by some pretty Indian women.

So you see why women deserve to be thoroughly beaten? Before your woman kills you, let me quickly tell you ten ways to beat your woman without being jailed.

# Step 1

To start with, you'll need to buy what the Yorubas call Koboko. It is a kind of cane made from the skin of goats. You can get it from any of those Abokis selling cane materials. If you can't see those Abokis around, go to the nearest Sabo market near you.

# Step 2

Soak the Koboko in hot pepper for at least 24 hours.

# Step 3

Give your woman a glass of juice and some sleeping tablets

# Step 4

As soon as you notice that your woman is asleep, get a piece of rope and strap her to the bed.

# Step 5

Shut all the doors and the windows, so that none of the neighbours can come to her rescue.

# Step 6

Go to wherever you soaked the koboko, and bring it to the bedroom.

# Step 7

Switch on the air-condition or celling fan in your bedroom, so that the strokes will make the body of your woman burn.

# Step 8

Go to the bathroom, and get a bucket of water. Pour it on your woman. Why pour it on her? Water is life. It will make the koboko more potent.

# Step 9

Grab the koboko, swing it above your head like a shot putter would do, and powerfully bring it down on your wife. She'll painfully jerk but never mind. Flog her. Flog her. Flog her till you lose your strength and she becomes motionless.

# Step 10

Yes, congratulations. You've successfully beaten your woman. Now, unstrap your woman and get the ropes. Form a noose. Tie one end of the noose to a celling fan, wear the noose on your neck like a royal bead and then climb on a stool. Close your eyes and let go of the stool. You will swing and swing and swing. Then, open your eyes. You'll find yourself in hell; that way you would have avoided being jailed. Idiot!


Women worldwide deserve the highest level of respect from men. Learn to love your woman; regardless of the level of provocation never raise your fingers against her. Women, like men, have their own deep weaknesses but they are still very precious in the life of a man. The best place to beat your woman is on the bed, anywhere else is domestic violence. SAY NO TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

Ademule David, a student of Human Society, writes from Lagos.
daviddenigma@gmail.com

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