₦airaland Forum

Dear Dr. Nelson,

Please when you get to d world beyond, tell Herbert Macaulay that the party he founded has been turned to People Destroying Party.

Tell Obafemi Awolowo that we now pay school fees without going to school.

Help me tell Nnamdi Azikiwe that the long wall to democracy he built has fallen, only the cracked fence still stands.

Tell Chief Anthony Enaharo that the independent nation he fought for is no more.

Tell Alh. Ahmadu Bello that our judicial system now favors only the rich.

Also tell Baba Fela that Terry G is the new afro beat king.

Tell Muritala Mohammed that we still use kerosene to cook and candles to see.

Tell King Jaja of Opobo that we are still slaves in our own country.

Pls tell Dele Giwa that the Nigerian press has been bought with
money.

... and please don't forget to tell Prof. Iyayi that Federal Govt paid N200 Billion into ASUU account but they have not seen alert.

Tell them that we need a quick reply to this letter.

Anybody can say anything but one thing I still know is that this guy is innocent until proven guilty.

Thank God those girls said they have proofs.

Everybody na thief, na person wey u catch be barawo.

Bring on the pictures, audios and videos.

We have big problem in Naija. Judging without seeing facts yet.

We too know all. Untop everything wey we claim say we know, government still play our heads left right and center.

Yes, these things happen but bring proofs for this one.

He remains innocent to me until proven otherwise.

It's either of 2 things. GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY but proofs please.

(Jst trying to see things like FBI or CIA... lol)

An excerpt of Ese Walter's story on Pst Biodun Fatoyinbo.

"...About a year after joining the workforce, I was on my way to LONDON for a MASTERS PROGRAM that would last TWO YEARS..."

MASTERS? TWO YEARS? IN LONDON??

... (Neither judging nor taking sides)

Just waiting for the truth...

God help us all.

I don't know if this has been shared here but I shared it on ma joke page recently..

I decided to share here after I saw the video of the police trying to get entitlement... lol.

U can barely escape accusations from a Naija Policeman.

‪#‎9jaPoliceBeLike‬ why z ur laptop bag empty,u want to steal laptop and kip it in d bag abi, oga ade, enta motor

#9jaPoliceBeLike ur car radio is playing "ema dami duro" young man, if u want to say smt, you better say it directly!!!

#9jaPoliceBeLike PARK!!! I say PARK!!! I say Park there my frend!!! *lowers voice* wetin boys go chop na?

#9japolicebelike young man may we know u, sergeant Bature give am one.

#9japolicebelike you last received call was 13:30, you have been making calls for the past 13 hours and driving. PARK ! ! !

#9jaPoliceBeLike The victim committed Suicide, but we just arrested the person that killed him.....

#9jaPoliceBeLike Oga, dis ur Range Rover Sport fine o. oya use am take jam dis wall mek we check weda ur airbag dey work. u no gree? oya park!!!

#9jaPoliceBeLike why ur car no get A/C? u wan use heat kill yourself...u wan commit suicide?.. Oga Park well.

#9jaPolicebelike the picture in your license you carry Afro, y do u Now carry low cut now? Ogbeni Abeg come down.

#9jaPoliceBeLike why do u have fertilizer in your boot? You dey grow weed abi? Follow us to station.

#9jaPoliceBeLike why are there condoms in ur wallet or are u a rapist? Oya Come down

Keep it rolling...

KIM K ISSUE

But seriously what is the prob with us sef?

First it was news that she was paid $500k for few minutes in Naija and Darey said she wasn't paid such amount of money. (But what if she was paid such? Wetin concern us?... Na person wey get the money pay am na)

Now people are saying she said what was believed she said in the fake tweet.

Only an illiterate will react without reasoning and finding out if it's true.

Am not in any way the Kardashian's fan but please, she has her life to live.

She's a slut and so f*cking what?

No be because una know say she be slut?

There are so many sluts worse than her forming good chick.

Everybody na thief, na person wey u catch be barawo.

Some ladies are worse than her.

Ok una don abuse am, curse am taya, wetin come happen now, and she don talk say no be her tweet. Hope blood pressure don come down baa?

Even if she's not worth being a role model, just leave her.

All this attitude na bad belle attitude abeg.

Na who holy pass?

HAVE U EVER LOST 250k TO 300k TO SCAMS BEFORE?

Anyone who has lost substantial amount of money to scams because of this job website issue will not say people should take it easy...

Some people were worse than dead after loosing money to job scams.

It surprises me that some people are even saying is English our Language...?

Is website question English Language or grammar www.kasuwa.com and www.jumia.com (Are these websites English Language/grammar?)... Abegiii..

The question he was asked is not an English Language question, it's an internet language question which he was supposed to know or dodge intelligently... Simple!

This man is a TOP SHOT in NSCDC for goodness sake.

He could have even said something like NSCDC is working on the site and for security reasons he can't disclose it bla bla bla to save Nigerians from scammers... or NSCDC is working on it incase if the web address changes, so he won't want to give any now but can get back as soon as possible...etc... Just come up with something... Make the guy just talk something intelligently.

No one knows all and perfect, but much would be expected from you at some stage.

He needs to be trained, not suspended... He don reach the position already.

I doubt if the oga at the top himself knows.

Him just dey unlucky falling victim when guyz blood dey hot, but let's be frank... It's annoying!

I hail Channels Tv, they uncovered the shit in Police College and now this.

NOTE:I am not saying it's totally true or totally false BUT how well u agree with it.

CONVERSATION BETWEEN LADIES

Mary: Hello,
Sarah: Hello my dear, how are u today?
Mary: Am fine swidy, I've missed u a lot.
Sarah: ...and me too
Mary: I am calling just to inform u that I will pay u a visit this afternoon.
Sarah: Wow, that's ok my lovely pie, it will be a great pleasure to me. I will be expecting u my angel.

{*After dropping the call*}

Mary: Am going to visit that prostitute again.
Sarah: This idiot is coming here again, she thinks I will buy her drinks with my money again, she dey lie.

CONVERSATION BETWEEN GUYS

John: Idiot how far?
Francis: Goat wad up?
John: Am fine, do u know that u are mad, how can u say that in public.
Francis: U dey craze!! I dey come ova this afternoon.
John: Ok fine, I full ground for u mad man.

{*After dropping the call*}

John: Hahahaha... that guy is funny shaa at times but a great friend, he's my personal person.
Francis: That's my man. I like him very much haha always cracking me up.

Name ur children well, don't blame ur daughter 'TUTU' for graduating with 2nd class lower.

=Dº°˚˚˚°ºнaĦaнaº°˚˚˚°º=)) Ħ̀́̀́̀ǻ̀́:Dħ̀́̀́ɐ̀́̀́̀́=Dħ̀́̀́̀ǻ̀́ħ̀́̀́ɐ̀́̀́̀́=))ħ̀́̀́ǻ̀́ħ̀́ =))•´¨)
¸.•´ ¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸¸.•´(¸.•´(¸.• =)) нaнaнaнaнa.

MOTHERS

To the mothers who took care of us and gave us free boobs without asking for iphone 5, Galaxy Tab, BB10, Human hair and iPad 4.

We want to say a very big HAPPY MOTHERS DAY! WE LOVE YOU!

Mama una type don dey scarce for Naija now o!

1. U always win an argument quickly.

2. U are explaining something to your friends and they are looking at another direction.

3. Any time u yawn dog always barks.

4. U want to kiss your girlfriend she will tell u "I don't like kissing"

5. U want to whisper to your friend's ear and he starts begging u that he already knew what u wanted to say.

6. U try to sing for a little baby and he/she starts crying.

7. Pastor is praying for everybody in d church, when it got to your turn, he instructed u not to say amen.

1. It gets full after 3 minutes of charging

2. The phone has TV, MicroWave, To­uch, Nail cutter, toothbrush, fire­lighter, food fla­sk etc.

3. Text message can be written with a toothpick.

4. There are some spelling mistakes e.g Nokla, blackderr­y, i-porn, samswa­g etc.

5. When an aeroplane passes; it records one missed call.

6. When big truck hoots; it records charger connected.

The Book of AFCON 13: 1- 14

1. And d day came, even d day of the Lord, this Sunday.

2. That the adversary of Nigeria, these Ivorians came threatening

3. And Stephen, the son of Keshi, the commander of Nigeria Army entreated d praying Nigerians to pray

4. And in churches and mosques, in mountains and camps prayers were offered

5. And behold on d battle ground, the army, these super eagles fought forcing d Ivorians 2 retreat

6. But their champion, this Goliath called Drogba, a Nigerian exile known before as Aderogba came flanked by his generals

7. Even world famous generals -Toure,­ Eboue, Kalou, Gervinho,..
taking the battle to the Nigerians

8. But the Spirit of God stirred one son of Mba, even the one called Sunday, the least in the Nigerian camp

9. And thus he said 2 the commander, Who is this uncircumcized Ivorian that he should defy the armies of the giant of Africa,

10. And he was told to sit down that even Mikel, Victor, Yobo, .....
these warriors that have done battle in far countries cannot dare this Goliath, Drogba,

11. And he told the commander for this purpose was I named Sunday, to do battle on the day of the Lord,

12. And the commander, Keshi urged him go

13. And Sunday arose and caused harvoc in the camp of the Ivorians

14. And the armies Ivory Coast, these adversaries of Nigerian was utterly destroyed.

MAY GOD BLESS THE READING OF HIS WORD!!!

Please join us as we celebrate another 4years in office with my brother Barrack Hussein Abayomi Oyedeji Oluwagbemileke Obama.

Gele & ipele - ₦7,500.
Fila - ₦5,000.
Ankara - ₦12,000.
Ping 2*****F7 for more details.

Performing artists:
1. Dele Akani A.K.A Akon,
2. Jejelaye Zulu A.K.A Jay-Z,
3. Kehinde West A.K.A kenye West,
4. Akolawole Chris Adamu Brown A.K.A Chris Brown,
5. Rihanat Salawa A.K.A Rihanna,
6. Ganiyat Iyaladuke A.K.A Beyoncé,
7. Raphael Kelechi A.K.A R.Kelly,
8. Adenike Amina Idi-araba A.K.A Nicki Minaj,
9. Ayefele Nasiru A.K.A NAS.

Eni tio wo ankara oleje semo...
English translation; he who doesn't wear the 'ankara' fabric won't eat semo(vita)

DJ: Akpors Nigeria Plc

I don't seem to understand why some Nigerians keep celebrating Halloween...

Wetin concern Naija and Halloween?

It's like a white guy saying to his fellow white dude,

"Happy New Yam Festival"

TRUE or FALSE?

Hope u got a permit for this post?

Coz the original post was by me at Central Bank of Jokes(CBJ)

Was posted 2 years (Oct 1) ago on my page, reposted last year (Oct 1) and now today.

CBJ FB: https://www.facebook.com/CentralBankofJokes
CBJ TWITTER: @CenBankofJokes
CBJ BLOG: http://centralbankofjokes..com/

This may be difficult.

(For the intelligent)

A man worked at a high security institution.

The man tried to log into his computer and the computer denied the provided password.

He then remembered that the passwords to the office computers are being reset every month for security reasons.

He then called his boss for his new password.

The man said,

"Boss, my old password is out of date"

The boss said,

"Yes it is. The new password is different, but if you listen closely, you will be able to figure out the new one. Your new password has the same amount of letters as the old password and four of the letters are different"

The man then logged into his computer with no trouble.

WHAT IS THE NEW PASSWORD?

WHAT WAS THE OLD ONE?

(READ CAREFULLY I SAID)

FROM: NIGERIA ASSOCIATION OF BOYFRIENDS(NABs)

TO: NIGERIA ASSOCIATION OF GIRLFRIENDS(NAGs)

CC: MINISTRY OF WOMEN AFFAIRS

BCC: SENATE COMMITTEE ON CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Dear GIRLFRIENDS,

We the NIGERIA ASSOCIATION OF BOYFRIENDS(NABs) want to bring to your notice that a new model of RANGE ROVER is out.

It is called RANGE ROVER EVOQUE (2012)

Following the procedures laid down by KIM K and KANYE WEST (KIM buying KANYE $750,000 LAMBOGINI for his birthday), we will no longer accept the following as gifts from our girlfriends again:

~ RANGE ROVER BOXERS
~ RANGE ROVER SINGLETS
~ RANGE ROVER CLIPPERS
~ RANGE ROVER PALM SANDALS
etc.

Attached is a sample picture of the new RANGE ROVER EVOQUE we will hence appreciate.

Inability to meet our demands will end up in an INDEFINITE STRIKE.

Of the GREAT...E...ST NABSITES.

GREAT OOOOOO!

Signed:
Enumife Motowumi
NATIONAL SECRETARY)

NIGERIA ASSOCIATION OF BOYFRIENDS (NABS)

The above named association wishes to inform it's members that the overhead maintenance costs for UNILAG ......sorry MAULAG chicks has been reduced by 75% and social G.P dropped to about 0.1.

No longer shall we send cabs to pick them up from their hostel...let them enter bike or trek.

No longer shall we entertain any request from any MAU chick to take them to the cinema....let them buy the pirated DVD.

No longer shall we buy Moet or Nuovo for them, Alomo Bitters & small stout will suffice.

No longer shall we be forced to buy them blackberry's, nothing is wrong with their Nokia X2.

No longer shall we buy them ice-cream....they will have to make do with Super Yogo.

There's no point leaving our DSTv on......let them watch OgTv.

Why buy them flight ticket, let them take night-bus.

Strictly midnight calls for them....no need to waste credit.

No fast food or eating out....let them go and cook indomie at home.

Of the GREATE.....ST NABSITES..........GREAT!!!!

SIGNED

Oloun Erinsemilese Q.
Secretary.

Twitter page: @CenBankofJokes
Facebook link: www.facebook.com/CentralBankofJokes

WITHDRAWAL FROM ATM
(U'd enjoy this if u understand a bit of Yoruba)

If you are in a sophisticated area like Banana Island, here is how the ATM would communicate;

ATM: Welcome Mr. Zeal.
- Please enter your secret pin.
- How much will you like to withdraw?
- Thank you for banking with us, Mr. Zeal.

... but if you are in places like Mushin, here is how it will respond:

After a guy inserts his card, inputs his secret pin,

ATM: Haaaaaaaaaaa omo iya,
- sho wa pa?
- sho ri e wa nbe?
Guy: Mo wa pa baje baje.
ATM: Elo ni k'omo aye po jade?
(guy inputs 10,000)
ATM: (dispenses cash).
Omo iya, ma jeun lo ntie.

IN A PLACE LIKE IBADAN.

An Ibadan woman inserts her card, input her secret code..

ATM: (In Ibadan tone)
- Ekabo Iya,
- se wa pa?
- So n sure?
- Elo le fe gba?
(Woman enters N2,000)
ATM: Iya, ko ma s'owo lapo yin ke!
(woman enters N2,000 again)
ATM: Se ko nse afise?
Mo so pe ko s'owo lapo yin.
(For the third time, woman enters N2,000 again, thinking it was an error on the ATM's part)
ATM: (Pauses for a while)
Iya, Se ko re o?
-Oma sooro kutukutu ke.
-Alawin looro ojo aje.
-Abaye se o ni?
-To ba pe ko to fa kadi e yo, mo ma gbe je ni.
-Alawin osi.

IN A PLACE LIKE IJEBU
A woman inserts her card and pin
ATM: Omo alare,
- elo ro nfe gba?
(Woman enters N2,391.50K)
ATM: Pause for about one minute, trying to understand the digits.
After about a minute, ATM replies,
ATM: Iya? mo nbor.
E je nsare lor wa shenji wa .

[www.facebook.com/CentralBankofJokes]

NAIJA 4 LIFE.

A Naija man walks into the New York City Bank and asks for loan officer.

He tells the loan officer that he has to go to Nigeria and wants a loan of $5000.

Bank agrees to give the loan but they ask for some security.

The man hand over his new Ferrari keys to the bank.

When he leaves, the bank officials laugh at him that he took a loan of $5000 while he has a $750,000 Ferrari.

After two weeks the man comes and returns the loan with interest $15.41.

Bank officers thank him but they ask why he bothered to take a $5000 while he was a multimillionaire.

The man replies "Where else in NYC can I park my car for two weeks for just $15.41 and get it back as it was."

cotcee: facebook.com/Crownfitjoa

An Expat, calling Pizza Hut in Dubai.

Operator: ' Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your, '

Customer: 'Salam Ale koum, can I order, '

Operator: 'Can I have your UAE identity card number please, Sir?'

Customer: ' It's eh, , hold, , on, .889861356102049
998-45-54610'

Operator: 'OK, you're, Mr Waleed from Syria and you're calling from Flat #402, Al Maskaan Building, Bur Dubai. Your home number is 04-3661231, your office number is 04-8852302 & your mobile number is 050-2665667. Where has the delivery to take place Sir?'

Customer: ' Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator: ' We are connected to the system Sir'

Customer: 'May I order your Seafood Pizza, '

Operator : 'That's not a good idea Sir'

Customer: 'How come?'

Operator :'According to our medical records - you went for your check up last week to Welcare Hospital & you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir'

Customer:'What? , What do you recommend then?'

Operator :'Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it'

Customer:'How do you know for sure?'

Operator :'You borrowed a book entitled 'Popular Hokkien Dishes' from the National Library in Deira, last week Sir'

Customer:'OK I give up, Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?'

Operator :'That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is Dirham 112.00'

Customer: 'Can I pay by credit card?'

Operator :'I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your First Gulf credit card is over the limit and you owe Citibank Credit card another Dirham 3,720.55 since October. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan to NBD, Sir.'

Customer: 'I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives'

Operator :'You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on HSBC ATM withdrawal for today'

Customer: 'Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready.
How long is it gonna take anyway?'

Operator : 'About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your Honda Civic, '

Customer: 'What!'

Operator :'According to the details in system ,your Honda Civic's Registration ie Malkia is expiring in 23 days & your Gargash Insurance has already got expired last week,

Customer:'?? ??'

Operator :'Is there anything else Sir?'

Customer: 'Nothing, by the way, aren't you giving me those 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?'

Operator : 'We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic, , '

Customer:#$$ ^%&$@$% ^ tm kiere, abe ytga, npiye! !!!!!!,

Operator :'Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 2011 on Dubai Hatta Road, when you wrongly overtook the BMW & you were convicted of using abusive language also on the policeman, ?'

Customer (fainted)

Operator : hello hello, are you still there ,

It was the first day of the session and a new direct entry student, Mensah, a Ghanaian, joined the class in one of Nigeria's universities.

The Lecturer said, "let's begin by reviewing some Nigeria history."

The Lecturer asked who said, "I shall return to die in the land of my fathers?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Mensah, who had his hand up.

Mensah replied: "King Jaja of Opobo, 1875" "very good!" said lecturer.

Then she asked again, who said, "The land use act will feed the nation?"

Again, no response except from Mensah: " Obasanjo, 1976."

The Lecturer snapped at the class; "Class, you should be ashamed. Mensah, who is new to our Country, knows more about its' history than you do."

The Lecturer heard a loud whisper: "Ghana must go" "who said that?" she demanded, Mensah put his hand up, "Buhari 1984."

At that point, a student in the back scornfully said; "Hmmm, you think you are smart?" The Lecturer glared and asked; "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Mensah said, "Babangida to Abiola, 1992"

Now furious, another student yelled; "Oh yeah! Eat this!" Mensah jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the Lecturer, "Indian mistress giving an apple to Abacha, 1992"

Now, with almost mob hyseria, someone said; "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Mensah frantically yelled at the at the top of his voice; "Chris Uba to Ngige, 2004!"

The Lecturer fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said; "Oh shit, we're in Big trouble now!" Mensah whispered; "Chimaroke Nnamani, Ayodele Fayose and Lucky Igbinedon 2007 "

Someone angrily said; "Dont answer him, he is a fool" Mensah smiled replied; "Obansanjo to IBB, 2011"

www.facebook.com/Crownfitjoa

please,I am a final year student studying Computer science, I need to cook myself in any of these IT schools for software training specializing on java, Which is best out of NIIT,APTECH and KARROX and why, I need a professional advice please,
-NIIT offers Software Entrepreneureship(Mastermind Curriculum)=#440,000.
-APTECH offers ADSE(Advance Diploma in Software Engineering)=#500,000, for 2 yrs,#750,000, for 3 yrs,
-KARROX offers ADSE too, =#560,000 but can get reduction through their scholarship,
The money is not the problem,
But which do u think will give you the value for your money?,
i.e Knowing what u really want to know,

For those who care a seminar is going to hold in the Science Lecture Theatre of the University of Ilorin On Friday and Saturday[Biz enpowerment and so on].DONT MISS IT,

and you want me to read all this?

Great Nigerian student oooooooooo.
Better by far.
The koko b sey,hostel no reach guys and babes 4 school,so if u wan get hostel,na to resume earlier to secure am ooooooooo.I no go lie u,school no fit accommodate everybody wey dey ready to get accommodation at a time k?Houses dey 4 Tanke area of Ilorin where guys fit put their head.No gok urself ooooooooooo.

If u ask blind man sef.him go sabi who beautiful pass.OMOTOLA $ RITA,Aba guys sleep dey different from death now

Next time put ur price ok?
CHEAP U CALLED IT,Can u sell at 140/dollar?