₦airaland Forum

Im an African American woman dating a Yoruba man in America. One Sunday after church me and a group of my boyfriends friends went out to eat. It's about 7 people. 3 women and 4 men. 1 couple is married. One was a guest while everyone else was a regular attendee. At the end my boyfriend and another man went to the bathroom. Moments later, the check came and the waitress asked how will this be split. I remained silent just to see what others would say. Tell me why after a few moments I had to explain how the bill needs to be split. One thing I've noticed is that every time we go out to eat with friends, i feel like they expect someone to pay for their meal instead of taking on themselves or spreading the favor every now and then. Sometimes my boyfriend feels the desire to pay for everyone but that will never happen if I'm around and he steps away. I know what's in my mans bank account and I know that he needs to save up. Is the freeloader mindset part of this tribe? I know they like my boyfriend but I feel like they take advantage of him sometimes. He's doing as well as Any other person in America. Which is just average.

Hello everyone! I am an African American. In america we dont do or believe in bride price. We arent for sale. I tried to tell my boyfriend(Yoruba man) that and he seems to not understand. He understands that im not for sale but not understanding that my family will not recieve his bride price well. Especially if he brings a goat which is illegal where I live. He can bring goat meat though. I told him im fine with his tradition but im obviously not for sale. Just for fun. I said just call it a gift and not bride price. I told him to just buy my dad a tablet and he will like that more better. But if my folks see a live goat, my mom is going to be angry. She won't cook it either. My point is I respect the culture. It all sounds fun but at the same time it has to be fun for everyone. I have 4 brothers and none of them paid anything to the brides family. That's just how it's done here. They take care and respect the wives and the wives family. That's it. But no dollar figures here. All I know is that if he ask my dad what the bride price is he will be extra confused.

My question is...how serious is this and how do Yoruba men/family look at this. I know everyone is different too. My boyfriend looks at marriage as if we both own each other in a biblical sense. Not just him owning me.

So my boyfriend is Yoruba. He just got a new male room mate that is around 50s. All his other room mates have been around our age of 25-33. Im an African American female and I have my own place but I tend to stay around my boyfriend's place because it's a lot closer to work.

Anyways, The first week of knowing his room mate, I walk in early during the day and I see his room mate in the kitchen shirtless. He immediately goes to his room to put on a shirt and then greeted me. I say hello back and mind my own business. The following weekend I'm at my boyfriend's place watching TV with my boyfriend in the living room. His room mate walks out into the hallway with just a towel on. At first I thought, maybe he doesn't know im there and he is going to leave soon. But he doesn't he comes into the living room and sits down on the other side of the couch I'm sitting on. I just ignore him but I'm mad as hell. We live in America and here that is the highest sign of disrespect towards a woman. What does he think is going on here? My boyfriend tells me that it's ok and in his country men do that. I told him ok so I'll just wear my new silk robe I got because that must be ok too. He immediately says no that's different I say it's not. I have never seen my father and brothers like that and I have 4 brothers and they would never!

Anyways even though I live with my boyfriend im never there because I'm at work 14 to 16 hours a day so its not like I'm invading space or always in his presence. But when I am there and if I see his roommate he is always trying to talk to me. Im simply not interested. Hello and good bye is enough for me. Stop asking me where is my boyfriend or how was work or how your work life is because I dont care. Not trying to be rude but when your job is to be around folk and smile all day im no longer interested in continuing after I clock out. I just want to know from you guys what is normal and what's not from this man. None of my boyfriends other room mates were like this but they were younger.

I was playing music on my BF phone and I see a text message labeled as My Ay 2. What does Ay mean in yoruba? Is it short for something? I didnt click on the text. I should have though.

GHoJes:
@dionne005, do you have proof he is 29 i do not mean the age on papers he showed you. If she is a sibling, he automatically become at most an 'uncle' in addition to big brother. It is not the culture for elder ones to earn the title dad even if they takeover a deceased dad's responsibility. The whole family as someone already hinted may be in it to gain your trust for easy future manipulation.

Your safest bet here is that he had the girl at an early age and do not yet know how to tell you he already has a child.

I met all his Nigerian friends in America and they are all our age or younger. We just all young folk. It just wouldn't make sense. When I first met him I actually was afraid he was too young. Not a minor but simply too young for my taste. So I know for a fact he is not older, if that's what you're trying to say.

I forgot to mention I told him about a friend of mine that recently told me he was adopted. I told my BF about it and he was feeling sad and said why would they tell the boy he was adopted. That's cruel. They should have just told him he is was their son and kept it at that. I said what's wrong with telling people they are adopted? He said in his country we try to make sure everyone has a father and mother. No one goes without even if it's not their mother and father. We take care of everyone.

GHoJes:
@dionne005, do you have proof he is 29 i do not mean the age on papers he showed you. If she is a sibling, he automatically become at most an 'uncle' in addition to big brother. It is not the culture for elder ones to earn the title dad even if they takeover a deceased dad's responsibility. The whole family as someone already hinted may be in it to gain your trust for easy future manipulation.

Your safest bet here is that he had the girl at an early age and do not yet know how to tell you he already has a child.

Thanks for being logical! Good thoughts! Yeah I have thought that things may have happened at a young age! As far as proof that he is or ain't 29....what else can I look for besides papers and what not. Black don't Crack but he don't look older. The girl looks too old to be our child. But like you said...he could have had her very young by mistake. I had talked to him about her calling me mom. I said I'm too young for a high school girl calling me mom. He said out of respect we call our seniors mom. And I have seen him do it myself. Yal she look too grown for me and I'm too young period. People already think I'm younger than what I am! Anyways I asked to be called Aunty. He said yeah that's fine but when we get married she will call you mom. I said I MIGHT be more understanding by then. I asked how would his mom feel about her calling me mom? How does the girl feel?

CanadianNaija:
Lots of Nigerian women allow their husbands marry another woman abroad for papers.
They know and see it as the man doing what’s good for their family’s financial future.

The man’s whole family and Nigerian wife even plays a part in this scam sometimes, welcoming the “Oyibo” and taking her around when she visits.

You have been told the truth here, do with it what you will, just don’t cry love scam years from now.

I feel as if you didn't read my post but quoted. I said I'm not helping him get his citizenship in any manner. Zero help. And he knows that. We will be married after he gets it. We have discussed this. And the girl is 16 which means he would have conceived at 14 or 15. Is it normal for boys to be having babies that age? I know it can happen in America but it's not a thing. Anyways we are both too young for a teenager to be calling us mom and dad.

Well I've video chat with his entire family and they want me to visit. I couldn't this time but I also want to learn the language 100% just about before I visit. I'm understanding things. His mom was wondering why didn't I come with him. Idk. His whole family was wondering why I didn't come. It was both of our choice to wait till Jan when I'll be more ready. As for the ring, he never had to tell me about the ring Caz he's always holding his phone. So if he's married in Nigeria....idk...it would be odd. He knows that I'd never help him get citizenship. We've made that clear. And we talk a lot in public places while he's in Nigeria the whole time. Would a wife that hasn't seen her man in 4+ years allow that? And would Nigerian men leave the daughters behind for that long. He's 29 the girl is turning 16. How likely is that too be his. He is elder brother too.

Hey guys! African American lady here. My BF just went back to his homeland from outside the U.S. Just wanted to know how common is it for men to adopt a sibling one father pass away. If common...how common is it for a girlfriend to take on the title of Mom from the child? I'm not Nigerian and was a Lil thrown off during Video Chat when I was introduced. I'll bring it up to him but wasn't expecting that. I don't mind the situation, I was just thrown off about it. What about the child's mother....you know...my BF actual mother is the child's mom. ALSO Is it normal for a man to wear a ring and not be married? He never had to tell me that he was wearing a ring so....I dont know. He wanted to let folks know he has been taken now. I appreciated that but wondered... is someone trying to give you away? Why can't you just say I'm taken?

I wanted to know what men think of women having male friends. Like legit friends. How is it? Here in America is normal for a woman to love and date a man but still have male FRIENDS. Is it different in Yoruba culture? I grew up with all guy friends. I see them as brothers. If I wanted to date them I would have took that route but I have no interest let alone not attracted to them. I grew up as a tomb boy and love having male friends over female friends. My lady friends are more likely to persuade me to cheat vs male friends are more respectful. How is it in Yoruba culture? Is it normal?

Thank you everyone for the reply! I am seeing a lot clearly now. As a person that has not been in many relationships by choice and is under 30 it is a learning curve for me to understand men and their needs along with him being from another culture. But we are enjoying ourselves and learning one another. He shows me how to make it in his and I show him how to make it in mines. Slowly learning his language and culture history. He's a good man and young himself, but he respects me as a woman and my culture. We root for each other to always win at whatever we do and whatever God has planned for us. Patience is key.

drnoel:
Now this comment I support.
I also support the part of not sending a wife to pick a friend unless family members. I just want to add this, a Nigerian man may send his gf to pick a friend only and only if that friend is a very close one.
Would also explain why the friend felt free to come askbu the rubbish he did in the kitchen.
Could mean the men are that close.

Yes, they are that close. Good guy, good friend. I felt like I needed to just be nice. If it was one of my girlfriend, I'd expect my boyfriend to be supportive. The guy has been there for him in hard times. As a woman, it's still a lil hard for me to cater to another man though but I'm being understanding.

ifyalways:
RE: Food.

Someone got off the plane, you didn't stop by anywhere to get him food nor asked your bf before agreeing to pick him up about food, THEN u started cooking, he's not wrong to assume he's getting a plate.

When you have guests, invited guests in your house, you don't Give them food when you cook ?

Nope. I didn't go shopping for extra people or guest. Usually if someone wants anything and they are grown, they simply get it themselves or they say, hey, can we stop by the fast food real quick. I'm not saying American women don't cook for folk willingly, but that mindset was more of my grandmother's generation and Lil of mom's. I'm just not thinking of no one. Part of me feel as if it's Caz I'm introverted. Another part of me is like....well we are all fending for ourselves right now. Another part of me is like....i don't know you. If it was one of my girlfriends, I would have asked.

Me asking another man besides my boyfriend and my father and brothers is stepping out of bounds. We just don't cook for random men.

As far as me doing my research, I agree with that. But at the same time I feel as if that's not all true or fair. I could tell you my experience all day about African American men and someone could tell yal about the women and they would still be very wrong because of bad stereotypes. They are more real than the truth. Pain travels faster than the truth.

Thank you everyone for the reply. He's a great guy. Better than any I've ever dated honestly. He was not HOPING I was cut. The way he asked was as if he really haven't been with women much and was confused about the anatomy of female. (NO HE'S NOT GAY)

He is from Lagos. Also as far as me doing things for him, I do them because he's always doing things for me. Picking up someone is no problem especially when money is tight or you need to save. He had to go to work.We have each others back. He's Yoruba also. I tend to find that tribe more friendly than others. (NO OFFENSE)

Thanks, just did

OK, so everything is fine but I am a little confused about some things. I realize most is a cultural thing and I can either put up with it or not. For example, I had brought over some food to my Boyfriend house and I saw he had guest over. He didn't tell me anything about having friends over. I start to cook some plantines and his friend was like...."oooh, you're cooking! I can't wait to taste it." I began to think to myself....WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!? Guys I'm not trying to be mean but I had no idea he had guest and that day was not a good day for me to be around folk I don't know. I'm highly introverted too. I tried to tell my boyfriend he needs to tell me things so I can prepare. Is it normal for Nigerian male friends to think they can just consume anyone's food without knowing who they are?

Another time I was doing my BF a favor and picked up one of his friends from the airport. Once we got to our destination, I began to start cooking MYSELF some breakfast. The guy walks up and is like THANK GOD YOU ARE COOKING I'M STARVING! I began thinking to myself....who said i had enough food for you? I was just making a quick bite. But then I told myself....he just got off the plane, be nice and cook for him. Is this a Nigerian male thing?

My next thing is people staying at my BF place. I'm cool with it. But when I was with my boyfriend alone in his bedroom, it was known that I was in there with him. The door was closed. His friend comes busting into his room. I'm like WTF!? Like...we could have been doing ANYTHING. Here, in America, when a man and a woman shut the door, you STAY AWAY! Too old to be locking doors!

LAST THING! My boyfriend kept asking me a while back of I was circumsized. I ignored him the first time he asked Caz it sounded crazy. Then he kept asking. I was like...WTF!? How can you not tell if I am or am not after CLEARLY seeing I am not cut! Then I learned about female genital mutilation. I had to teach him about it and how it is wrong.

OK, so everything is fine but I am a little confused about some things. I realize most is a cultural thing and I can either put up with it or not. For example, I had brought over some food to my Boyfriend house and I saw he had guest over. He didn't tell me anything about having friends over. I start to cook some plantines and his friend was like...."oooh, you're cooking! I can't wait to taste it." I began to think to myself....WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!? Guys I'm not trying to be mean but I had no idea he had guest and that day was not a good day for me to be around folk I don't know. I'm highly introverted too. I tried to tell my boyfriend he needs to tell me things so I can prepare. Is it normal for Nigerian male friends to think they can just consume anyone's food without knowing who they are?

Another time I was doing my BF a favor and picked up one of his friends from the airport. Once we got to our destination, I began to start cooking MYSELF some breakfast. The guy walks up and is like THANK GOD YOU ARE COOKING I'M STARVING! I began thinking to myself....who said i had enough food for you? I was just making a quick bite. But then I told myself....he just got off the plane, be nice and cook for him. Is this a Nigerian male thing?

My next thing is people staying at my BF place. I'm cool with it. But when I was with my boyfriend alone in his bedroom, it was known that I was in there with him. The door was closed. His friend comes busting into his room. I'm like WTF!? Like...we could have been doing ANYTHING. Here, in America, when a man and a woman shut the door, you STAY AWAY! Too old to be locking doors!

LAST THING! My boyfriend kept asking me a while back of I was circumsized. I ignored him the first time he asked Caz it sounded crazy. Then he kept asking. I was like...WTF!? How can you not tell if I am or am not after CLEARLY seeing I am not cut! Then I learned about female genital mutilation. I had to teach him about it and how it is wrong.