₦airaland Forum

uchebest2006: Doris,More update please......i felt overwhelmed reading the last update,it remind's me of somtin else.

coming very soon

seunviju: Don't even knw what to start commenting on but please just try 2 look into the corrections already ruled out.Keep doing the best

thanks 4 ur consent

boldndbeautiful: I just started reading Ÿ̲☺u̶̲̥̅̊я̲̅ story yesterday and I might confess, it's quite interesting.



Tenks ϑε̲̣̣ąr.

THANKS 4 READING

Thanks Audrey.

AudreyTimms: Hmmm......@Divepen, you have tried. Kudos to you.

@Dorisbest, I really don't know where to start from 'cause there are like a million and one things to correct.

I was telling my hubby yesterday that there's more to being a writer than just having an interesting story.

I'm going to start with your strengths. I applaud your courage in writing such a story. I mean a spiritual story if I can call it that. People might not really fancy such stories that have something to do with things like marine spirits and all but me, I see it as a plus for daring to be different.

I also like the way you introduced other characters and their lives though an inattentive person might get lost in them. I also love the twists. For example, how you made Daisy to be the sister of the adopted daughter of the hero (forgive me, I have forgotten their names. It's from reading so many stories here)

Now to the flaws. My first observation is from the very first episode. Why would a girl go and bathe in the house of a guy she just met? I can understand going home with him but I surely can't understand bathing there?

I'm so sorry to say this but your use of grammar is all wrong. You use past tense instead of present tense and vice versa and some inappropriate words. Divepen brought out a few of them but the truth is that the entire story needs a lot of grammar correction. E.g She gave a sigh of relieved instead of- She gave a sigh of relief.
The best I can do for you here is to edit your next update for you to see what I'm talking about.

You said the story is coming to an end soon. I hope you don't mean the hero, UBA and the heroine will get married so easily. Can't there be a new twist or something?

Besides, these marine spirits don't give up easily especially due to the fact that she was actually one of them and not just possessed by them. While the devil knows God's powers are supreme, that doesn't stop him from trying. I'm talking from experience, not mine but from a friend.

I rest my case for now. I hope my criticism will be taken with love. Thanks

Amy was desperate, so she decided to do what her helper asked her to do. You can imagine what a desperado can do.
*
As for the grammatical errors, am an imperfect human (still learning) that is Y I need your help.
*
maybe there will be a new twist but right now, I don't have anything to add to it since the book was written 5yrs ago(while in S.S.S. 2)
I don't believe any child can come from the devil because before a native start incantation, he first of all acknowledge the supremacy of God.
And the reason Y Amy was set free easily was because they were given an option(Sarah sacrifice herself) hence the goddess could not possess her anymore.
Thanks once again. I truely appreciate your help.

Divepen: I might be wrong, as I am most time, but I think some of the corrections if scrutinized, you might get more insight than these..

*warm of her smile-- Warmth of her smile....

*Shalimar went in and came back and gave him a glass of eva water--- Shalimar went in, and returned with a glass of water for him(Might do).

*They became silence.--they became silent...

*Shalimar blushed. She wondered why she's always feeling uncomfortable in his present:--- can be...
Shalimar blushed, wondering why she was ........... presence.


*For God sake, he was a pastor and--- Change to who he deserved a decent w]oman not someone like her.

* Am--- I'm
*She picked the phone, (remove she), wondering.

* Sat up with a jerk(eliminate 'Ed)

@ Dorisbest, you are still the best, none of these is who you are ... You are a writer and a 'righter' ( you correct mistakes, I believe if you see anyone that is true you would correct them.

I ve modify. Thanks so much. It is so helpful. I need more of ur help. The story will soon come to an end. Thanks again.

Following
The story is so interesting.
Waiting patiently for the next update

Is ICIDR in Akwa Ibom state?

Boldndbeautiful viewing. I like your name

Yes pastor Blessed is Blessed.

Divepen: God help us.
Erm... Pastor Blessed is blessed...
My eyes is in exam mood...
I only came here to ease the tension and to cool my brain...
I was just thinking oo.
That if you take time to read the last update again, you might see some errors my eyes did not see...

thanks alot. Have read it again and ve not seen the errors please help me out.

Just4yhu: Ah, now am here! weldone dear doris

thank u

CHAPTER 26
Shalimar was packing her belonging. She was really happy to go home and stayed with her father. They had developed a strong bond for each other. During weekend, her father could take her to sunshine Island and other places of interest. They could have fun like father and daughter and then drove her to the hostel.
Someone knocked at the door. She went and opened the door.
'Pastor Blessed.' She gave him a peck.
'I can see you are good to go.' Blessed said as he walked into the room.
'Hmm...mm.' She smiled. 'Amy left yesterday.'
'She told me.' Blessed was dazzled by the warmth of her smile. Now is the time to propose to her. He thought. It was definately the will of God that they should be together.
'Please take a pew.' Shalimar offered.
He sat down.
'What can I offer you?'
'Water.'
Shalimar went in and returned with a glass of water for him.
He drank the water in one gulped.
'Wow!' Shalimar smile. She collected the glass and dropped it in a reading table.
They became silent. They stole a glance at each other until their eyes met.
Shalimar blushed, wondering why she was always feeling uncomfortable in his presence. For God sake, he was a pastor who deserved a decent woman not someone like her.
'I think I'm ready to go.' she said shyly.
'Ok.' Blessed jolted out of his reverie, blinking continuously. He had been thinking of how Shalimar would react when he proposed to her. What if she turned down his proposal? No, she won't. He wasn't a pessimist. He knew God's will would be done.
'Please help me carry some of my luggage.'
As he was about carrying her luggage, his phone fell down.
Shalimar picked the phone for him, wondering why he was behaving in an unusual manner.
'Thank you.' He held her hand. He was transfixed by her beauty. He couldn't say anything but just stared at her. He felt good staring at her.
Shalimar was feeling uncomfortable as silence crept in gradually. She mustered courage and asked him what was wrong with him.
'I love you.' Blessed replied.
Shalimar blinked and swallowed hard.
'I want you to be the mother of my unborn children.' Blessed continued. 'I will love you and treat you with the fear of God. I will...'
'Oh! Blessed!' Shalimar cut in. She thought she was hallucinating but no, it was reality. She saw the sincerity in his cat-like eyes. It was the first time someone had sincerely professed his love for her. Tears streaked her beautiful eyes. 'I could love to spend the rest of my life with you but you know my condition. Of what use is an hen who cannot lay eggs.'
'It's the will of God that we should be husband and wife. You will have children. Even if you don't, we can adopt but I know my God will not let me down.'
'Ok, what do you think people will say. That their beloved pastor neglect all the single well-behave sisters in lord and chose to marry a prostitute. That doesn't go well with me. I don't want people to be pointing accusing finger at me and beside...'
Blessed place his index finger on her mouth. 'stop procrastinating. God forgave your sins and I believe you won't go back to your vomit again. It doesn't matter if the world does not forgive you. You and I is all that matter to me. People will always talk. That is why we have mouth and tongue. They are doing their work.'
'I love you Blessed. I will marry you. I will be faithful to you with all my heart.'
Blessed was the happiest man on planet earth as he put a ring into her middle finger. The hugged themselves tightly.
After they left, Inem and Paul came back. Inem opened the door and they went inside. She felt empty.
'Shalimar is gone.' she muttered.
'Thank God. Now we can have this room for ourselves.' Paul added.
They repose on the bed, chit-chat for a while before dozing off.
Inem had known Paul through her elder brother who was his friend at Maritime academy.
It wasn't easy for Paul to wooed her since she thought she was in love with Ubong but when Ubong had told her that he was in love with someone else, she had call Paul and told him that she loved him. Now she has no reasons to regret her action. They guy was madly in love with her and thank God she loves him too.
Someone barged into the room.
Paul and Inem sat up with a jerk.
'Sir.' Paul blurted.
'Am sorry I came to look for Amy. Ubong pretended as if he doesn't know Paul. He felt a bit jealousy as he glared at Inem. He prayed inwardly, he doesn't loose two things at the same time.
Amy had send him a text to informed Mama that she was coming with her fiance. He had felt devastated and betrayed. He had tried her lines but they were switch off. So he decided to visit her. How could she betrayed him so badly? He had waited patiently for her and now what was his reward. He had barged into the hostel out of impulse. Now he rued his action.
'She left yesterday. I hope all is well.' Inem pondered why he was glaring at her that way. Has she done anything wrong?
'Ok. Thank you.' He stomped out.
TO BE CONTINUE

Divepen: I did not know of T.dans case, but I'm in support of this..
@ Dorisbest do you want compliment or criticism-scrap that- a critical look into the work.

yea. Criticism is all I really want. Compliment won't take me far though it is a form encouragement. All useful comment will be appreciated.

Welcome, Tbrak

Tbrak: Following, bt too short

am using phone. Is not easy to type with phone but I will try and lenghten it.

AudreyTimms: A very interesting story with wonderful twists.

Dorisbest dear, do you really want criticism or should I just flatter you with compliments and walk away? I ask because I don't want a repeat of T. Dan's saga here. Thanks.

Weldone for the courage to write in the first place.

thanks 4 ur consent, Audrey. Criticism is number 1 reason Y am posting this story. I will be exceedingly glad if you help me in criticizing this work of fiction.

'I don't know.' Mrs Abang replied. 'According to Mrs Uni-okut, she met a mad woman who was in labour at the roadside. She rushed her to the hospital. After giving birth to your sister, she died.'
Nsikan consoled Daisy who was weeping. Now she understood why her foster mother treated her like an invalid.
'You and your baby sister were brought to this orphanage. You were five years old by them. Few months later, you were adopted by William Johnson. Mrs Uni-okut Lester donated money for the upkeep of the orphans and visited Valerie every week with her children.
'Lester...' Nsikan drummed his finger on the office table.
'Do you know her?' Daisy asked anxiously.
'I think so. Please ma continue.'
Mrs Abang gazed at them before continued. 'five years later, she and her family died in a fatal accident living behind a sixteen year old son.' she hung her head.
'Oh my God!' Daisy gasped.
Nsikan remembered that Ubong had told him that similiar story.
'His son adopted Valerie. We gave both of you a scar so that you can identify yourselves in the future. This is...'
'I know her ma.' Nsikan cut in. 'She is living with my friend.'
Daisy remembered that Valerie had told her that she has that similar scar on her shoulder. She had taken it lightly and as a coincidence. She should have known those triangular mark means something. She smiled as realisation dawn on her. She has found her sister.
After they were through with the matron, they drove to Ubong's house. They were welcome in.
Daisy told him everything the matron had said.
Ubong concurred.
'Promise you won't take her away from me. She has been a greater part of my life.' Ubong said.
'No, I won't. I only want her to know that we are family.'
As ubong was about standing up, Valerie walked in and hugged Daisy tightly.
'Were you eavesdropping on us?' Ubong asked anxiously.
'Yes brother.' Valerie sniffed. 'Have heard it in school that I was adopted but I never wanted to push you far. I wanted you to tell me by yourself. Since I saw that scar on her shoulder, I knew we were related.' She hugged Ubong. 'I love you brother.'
Ubong was too numb to say anything. He couldn't believed that Valerie could keep such secret for so long. He was happy for her and Daisy.
'Thanks for taking good care of her for me.' Daisy said.
'Thanks man.' Nsikan extended his hand. 'You are no longer my friend but my respectable in-law.'
They guffawed and hugged each other before toasting their wine glass for long life and properity.
END OF CHAPTER 25

Nsikan cuddled her. He couldn't say anything. He had heard on grapevine that she was an orphan. He had wanted to asked her but he couldn't. He thought it was a mere furphy or she was oblivious of it. 'So who told you this?' he cupped her face with his hand.
'My father's will was read today. Twenty percent of his asset was bequeathed to me. That is where all the problem started.' she sniffed. 'Mama says that I was adopted and that I can't inherit any of his wealth. That they have done enough for me.' She broke down.
Nsikan consoled her.
'But the good news is that I have a sister who is living at Blessed children orphanage.' she said excitedly.
'Then we should visit her.' he raised her up and kissed her. 'I love you.'
'I love you too. Let's hope she has not been adopted.'
'we will found her.'
They drove to Blessed Children orphanage at Okobo Local government area. The orphanage was fence around with security guards standing at the gate and moving around the compound. The orphanage was built in form of a large hall, more like an assembly hall in schools. It was two large hall, one for girls and one for boys, painted in yellow and green saclux paint. And a rectangular block which served as staff quater.
Kids were seen playing around the compound but none came near the gate because of the fierce looking security men.
Daisy imagined herself living among those children. For once, she appreciated William Johnson's family for taking her into their family though they seperated her from sister. She imagined how her little sister might looked like. Tall, dark with oval visage or perhap an heart face with big round brown or cat-like eyes just like her.
The were leaded to the matron's office. After exchanging pleasantries, they introduced themselves to the matron.
'Actually ma, my foster parent told me that I was adopted from this orphanage and that I have a sister who is living here but I don't know her name.'
'Who are your foster parent?' Mrs Abang asked.
She was a woman in her mid sixties, tall, plump, with pretty wrinkle face. She was the founder of Blessed Children Orphanage.
'William Johnson.' Daisy replied.
'Now I remember, that business tycoon. He was one of the men that supported this organisation but since last year, we haven't heard anything from him. How is he doing?' Mrs Abang asked.
'He died four months ago.' Daisy replied.
Nsikan patted her back.
'Oh dear, accept my deepest sympathy.'
Daisy nodded.
Mrs Abang searched through the 1996 files, which were arranged in a shelf and brought out two files and gave to her.
Mr and Nsikan Effiong go through the files. They discovered that Daisy was brought to the orphange by one Mrs Uni-okut Lester and was adopted by William Johnson.
'So, who are my parent?' Daisy asked.
TO BE CONTINUE

D9ty7: Its not like that my sister.I've lost touch with the likes Flakky, T.Dan, Stefikal to mention a few but I'll make things right in a couple of weeks.

ok

Thanks for honouring my invitation, D9ty7.

D9ty7: Thanks for honouring me and counting me worthy of correcting your write up.I'll try my best.

long time no see. You were my first friend on Nairaland but you just decided to go AWOL. I miss you.

Thanks for loving this story

TiffanyJ: First to comment! Dorisbest please update more often. I love this story. How dare Daisy adoptive family treat her thus? I am your number one follower

happy new month, Tiffanyj.

Am really sorry for not updating this few days. Have been very busy lately with life outside Nairaland. I will try to make it up to you.
To everyone who contributed in one way or the other in making this thread lively, I want you to know that am very grateful. Almighty God will reward you according.
I still need your criticism because I feel this story is not up to what I want it to be. Am calling on the following people to check out this work if it is order.
Thanks alot for honoring my invitation.
Divepen, Tiffanyj, Sammyhoe, Uchebest2006, Audrey Timms, Queenxster, D9ty7, Prettyspicey, flakkydagirl, Vonn, Aipete2, Suenviju, Heemah, other writters and readers in Nairaland. Please I really need your help. Thanks once again.

CHAPTER 25
Daisy barged into her husband's house, looking so raddled. She slumped down into a sofa. She had went to spend the weekend with her mother, since she hasn't been herself since the death of her husband, thier father but her visit turn out to be her worst nightmares. Now she understood why her mother treated her like a nobody, the reason why her father urged her to get married while in school. What about her brothers? Despite her effort to tolerate their boorish attitude, they still abhorred her.
She had fallen asleep when Nsikan, who had just came out of the bathroom tapped her on the shoulder. She woke up, her eyes blurred.
Nsikan cuddled her.
'When did you come back?' Nsikan asked.
'Recently.' Her eyes lit up trying to hide her dolorous mood.
'I thought you were going to spend the weekend with your mother.'
'Change of plan.' She caressed his thick pink lip. 'It will be terrific if I spend the weekend in your arm.' She kissed him lightly.
Nsikan cupped her face with his hand and stared at her. Daisy tried to kiss him again but he wagged his head in disapproval. He knew what she was up to. 'This is unlike you, darling. Tell me what is wrong with you.' He coaxed.
'I guess you are not happy to see me. I should go back to school.' she stood up and picked her reticule.
Nsikan grabbed her waist.
'No, I'm happy to see you. Am your husband, I know when you are happy and when you are pretending to be happy. Please tell me what is going on. It breaks my to see you this way. Your eyes are swollen, which indicate you have been crying.'
Daisy touched her eyes, tears rolled down her check. She did not know how to tell him this. Will he reject her like others? No, not in this her condition. She couldn't afford to loose him. She slumped into the sofa.
'Darling, you are breaking my heart. Just tell me what is troubling you. You can't be like this in this your condition.' Nsikan wiped off her tears.
'Will you stand by me?' she stared at him to see if he would compromised his love for her but there was none.
Nsikan nodded.
'Will you still love me if I tell you I have no background?'
'You know I love you and I will love you till eternity, no matter what may happen but can you please go straight to the point.'
Daisy felt satisfied. She summoned courage and told him.
'How could you feel if you woke up one morning and realised that the people you spend 23 years with are not your faminy?'
TO BE CONTINUE

AudreyTimms: Lol! A boy and a girl

no no. Not compatible at all. Just two identical twins(girls). The kind u can hardly identify who is who.

Toeyean1507: . May d Good lord fill our wombs with lovely,adorable,cute and God sent twins. Did I hear a thunderous amen?

Amen but not boys

Jake has been pacify.
Nice post, Tiffany. Waiting for more

( Mr Michael in John Benson's house)
MICHAEL- What is this I heard your son has done to my daughter?
JOHN- My son! What has he done?
MICHAEL- Don't pretend like you don't know. (John shrug) Your son came and threatened my daughter because of one low life whom I heard he is in love with. Before I could say jack, he was gone.
JOHN- What! How could he do that?
STELLA- Don't judge him yet, John. My son told me everything than happened. He isn't responsible for your daughter's pregnancy. Your daughter set him up. Ask your wife. She is an accomplice.
MICHAEL- What are you talking about?
JOHN- Are you saying that Belinda is carrying my grand child?
STELLA- (upset) Be serious for once, John. That bastard isn't my son's blood.
MICHAEL- What do you mean? Why do you talk with so much confidence?
STELLA- That is because I know my son. He doesn't keep secret from me. (Stella told them Jeffrey's story)
MICHAEL- Unbelievable. My daughter could never do that.
JOHN- She is a youth, young and inexperience.
STELLA- She may not want this to happen but your wife. I know what she is capable of.
MICHAEL- (convince) My wife!
(Truely, he knows what is wife is capable of)
CURTAIN FALL
(At Emerald's house, enter Bruno)
EMERALD- How did it go?
BRUNO- Everything went smooth. ( he on the recorder. Emerald listen with keen interest. She feel relieve)
EMERALD- That is my son but how do I approach him?
BRUNO- I told him, I will help him search for the woman who picked him by the bush path. That is when you come in as the woman who gave him a second chance.
EMERALD- You have a point. I told the matron that I pick him by the road side. Then, I will asked him to be my son. How do I meet him.
BRUNO- I will arrange it.
CURTAIN FALL
(In Belinda's bedroom, sat mrs Michael)
BELINDA- (sob) Mum, this is too much for me to bear. I have never feel so quilty in whole life. My friend just loose her mother and...
BOSE- (console) Don't please. She will move on.
BELINDA- (sob) watching her slump makes me feel like the worst person on earth.
BOSE- Is normal dear, you will get over it. Life is like living in a jungle, where you are being pursue by beasts. It is a survival of the fittest.
BELINDA- Do you know what hurt most?
BOSE- What is that?
BELINDA- Jeff detest me. He doesn't deserve this neither Katerina.
BOSE- (pat her back) he will come around. He won't be able to resist your beauty for too long.
CURTAIN FALL

Thanks alot for the dedication.
**
I guess Peace will soon meet her waterloo.
Bravo Divepen

.

Queenxstar: Wonderful work Doris.

thanks Queen.

Tiffanyj

It's a pity. Jerry oya take heart