Samakinr: ...I was here....ts such a pathetic one. Nice suspense. And if I may suggest, also include narratives plus the conversational method

Hi!
I just updated my other story "our 1st date"
I tried to do what u suggested. Please just read n see if i did it right.
https://www.nairaland.com/1836356/1st-date-must-read/2#25408626
I really appreciate!

Tank u all for ur comments.
U can also check out my other story.
www.nairaland.com/1836356/1st-date-must-read/1#25369022

[quote author=Samakinr][/quote]
Um sometime during the week.

Samakinr:
Yea...that's convetsational; I.e dialogue etc. What I meant is you describing your characters and settings... at least in the ambient of your story. Twill help we readers in having imdginations, and divert attentions a little from expecting the climax so soon. I know ure doing that ,if u can just do it more. U know u gat a good story line...keep your readers wondering by playing on their imaginations....

Yea! I tink i understand what u r trying to say,
But wld stil love it if u just give me an example.
Tanks so much!

Samakinr: ...I was here....ts such a pathetic one. Nice suspense. And if I may suggest, also include narratives plus the conversational method

Hmmm pls show me an example of what u saying so dat i understand better!
I tink conversational method is wen u include names before d conversation.
David: u dey house?
Paul: i dey o
Dunno sha. Pls teach me!
Tankssasss!

mcbk2:

Yeah nice one gal! You sound intelligent and that's more important than gender...keep up the good work ...am a big fan! Woke In d middle of the night just to check for update!

*smiles* tanks so much mcbk2. I guess u ve checked out my other story. "Our first date" if not, u can already chk it out, u may like it.
Tank u again for ur words of encouragement!

AudreyTimms: Something really dey follow una. Nice story. Jst nids a little editing. Luv d suspense. Hpe u won't end it abruptly lyk u did 'The HIV result' or else I go luk 4u fight u! Shikena!

Lolz no i wnt end it dat way!
Thanks, yea it does need editing. I usually type and send it with my fone with little time to proof read it.
U can chk out my other story, "our 1st date@ u may like it also.

Dickson was sweating and moving up and down.
Obviously confused and mumbling different things!


Ring ring ring!!!!! Ring ring ring!!!!
It was dicksons fon this time.
I was sure it was joan calling him also.
If it is joan pls don't tell her o!


Its not Joan? Its a number calling. He said.

Hello! Yes!

Haaaa mummy "E ka le o"
Kilo de ti e kpe mi kpe lu number yin?
Ta lo ni number yi?
(Translation: good evening mum, why aren't u calling me with ur no? Who owns this number?)
He spoke yoruba with my mum.
After some seconds of silence while he listened to what she was saying,
Next thing I heard was JESU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! From dickson!!!!!!!
While the fone fell from his hands!

I sprang up from my hospital bed!
Dickson what is it?
What happened!
Tears rolled down his cheeks!
Dickson talk to me! Pls!!!!!
I picked up d fone, but it was in 3 parts, the phone, the battery and the battery cover.

I tried to put d pieces back together

Egbon mi o! Ki lo she le? What happened?
What d mummy say?
He just stood there!

I sat on d bed trying to search for the last received number so that i could dial it.

Then he spoke,
Mummy called with our neighbours fon,
She said she has been trying to get daddy but his phone no isnt going through and that.....














































He paused now sobbing!
































That what na!
Dickson finish what u are saying pls!































Armed robbers just left her house and dey took all d money in d house, including the dollars we changed this evening. The money she was to use to travel!


I just fell down!



To be continued!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First of all!
Sorry guys for the delay in updating this story!

Wld improve on it.


***********************************************

I was wondering why all this wld happen to us!
My family!
It was like a dream or even a nigerian movie!
Always from one problem to another.
Just wen u tink u are done with problem A,
Problem B pops up!
Could it be that it was some1 from the village?
Or are we cursed?
1st twas my elder bro dying,
The other children being jobless,
My 3 miscarriages,
My husband leaving me,
Mumsie's health,
The financial burden on us all,
Now dad's death......
Why us LORD?
What have we done to deserve all this!
the money we all saved, even borrowed some,
For this medical trip. Now dad has to go now!
I wish I could take back d hands of time!
It can't get worse than this!

Now tinking of the way forward..........
Mumsie wld travel tomorrow, even if she has to go alone!
Infact she has to because, we can't get another visa/ticket in d next 8hours. Even sef, where is d money? We don't ve it.
We probably won't tell her her husband, our father is dead.

Tears flowed down my cheeks as I made these conclusions in my head.


I heard screams from the nxt hall way.
Dickson and other pple.
I will kill him today! I must kill him!
He killed my father!
Those where his words as he entered my ward!

I asked, what is it? Who do u want to kill?
Its stanley o! He replied.
U even knw him, its femi! Aunty Emmanuela's son!

******************************************************

Aunty Emmanuela was our neighbour back in those days.....
She was like our second mum!
She has 3 kids, femi was d last!
I remember we all playing together as kids.
she died 2 years ago,
But we all knew him as femi and not stanley.
So he killed my father?
There was nothing I could do to him at the moment!

*******************************************************


There was nothing I could do to him at the moment!
My dad was gone.
All I had on my mind was my mum!
How do I salvage this situation?

Ring ring ring!!!!! Ring ring ring!!!!
Joan was calling my fone!
Joan was my younger sister,
She doesn't knw about any of this,
Do I tell her? I thought,
No I won't because, she wnt be able to handle it,
She was dads favourite and she'l probably tell my mum.
So I just allowed the phone ring.....

mcbk2: Babe/dude you re too much,meen!!! Your stories are filled with suspense ,please continue the good work ...FP has no choice!

Tanks Mcb2! And its babe o.
Pls, do i sound like a guy? Just curious

frankben: Following

Hi frank sry, ending d story, few views n comments.
Well wat happened in d end was, she told me of how she meet her bf n their life togedr, him sleeping around n all.
Luckily her child was negative and she still comes around for her anti retrovirals.
Wishing u a lovely day!