₦airaland Forum

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Heralding the
breakthrough as a landmark
achievement for artificial
intelligence, engineers at the
Massachusetts Institute of
Technology announced Thursday that they have
successfully developed the
first robot capable of feeling
human lust. Lead researcher Tomás Soto,
who confirmed that the
invention features a highly
advanced operating system,
powerful data processors, and
cutting-edge optical sensors, told reporters that the
machine’s behavior was so
lifelike that it can take one
look at a person and grow
uncontrollably aroused,
becoming completely consumed by its own passionate sexual
appetite. “The idea that a robot might
lust, much like you or I can
lust, has long captured the
imaginations of scientists,”
said Soto, adding that for
decades engineers have strived to create automatons
with the ability to feel intense
carnal yearning. “Today, our
lab has finally succeeded in
making a computer capable of
the sudden bursts of overwhelming desire and
lascivious cravings that are at
the core of what it means to
be a human being.” The product of eight years of
experimentation, the robot’s
central processing unit
reportedly has the capacity to
generate over 2.5 million erotic
impulses per second. After fixating on an image of a
person it desires, the machine
reportedly enters an infinite
loop, obsessively analyzing the
image until it can analyze
nothing else. While the initial results were
reportedly discouraging when
a prototype failed to display
the most basic lewd cravings,
the MIT scientists said they
upgraded hardware components and added a
sexual objectification program,
instructing the robot to
perform tasks such as leering
at women’s posteriors, legs,
and breasts. “They said we couldn’t build
a conscious machine that
perpetually lusts for flesh, but
we achieved that objective
and much more,” said Soto,
boasting that the automaton possesses the computational
power to obsessively fantasize
about salacious encounters as
rapidly as an average 18-
year-old male. “This robot
wants more than anything to throw a person down on a bed
and have sex with them.” According to researchers, the
first major breakthrough
occurred in June of 2011,
when the robot completely
lost its sense of boundaries
and personal space as soon as 29-year-old technician Julia
Breton entered the room to
work on the machine. “Our robot started giving off
this strange, domineering
energy, making sudden,
aggressive movements
whenever I moved,” said
Breton, who mentioned that she noticed the speed of the
robot’s cooling fan had
increased and the motor
strained as it edged toward
her. “Before long it was
pretty obvious that it was completely preoccupied with
me.” “Just being near it made me
feel extremely
uncomfortable,” Breton added. Soto confirmed that the
engineers knew they were
closer to attaining their lofty
goals after they observed the
robot’s arm mechanisms
growing tense and its console starting to overheat every
time Breton entered its line of
sight. “That was one of those
moments when you could feel
the line between man and
machine starting to blur,” said
Soto, adding that lust was
previously believed to be an intrinsically human experience.
“My colleagues and I knew
simply by looking its visual
sensors that we had created
a machine that desperately
wanted to Bleep.” “It gave us an incredible sense
of pride,” he added. Despite his team’s
achievement, Soto said the
next phase of research will
have to wait several months
as they rebuild the robot,
which violently self-destructed after realizing it would never—
indeed, could never—be with
Dr. Breton.
www.theonion.com/articles/mit-scientists-create-robot-capable-of-feeling-lus,33147/

WASHINGTON—After more than
five decades of tireless work,
brave exploration, and
technological innovation aimed
at a single objective, the
National Aeronautics and Space Administration announced
Wednesday that it had finally
completed its mission to find
and kill God. NASA officials celebrate after
finally locating and murdering
the Supreme Being. "I am ecstatic to tell you all
today that we have beheld
the awesome visage of the
supreme architect of the
cosmos, and we have
murdered Him," jubilant administrator Charles Bolden
said after being drenched with
champagne by other
celebrating NASA employees.
"There have been innumerable
setbacks, missteps, and hardships over the past 50
years, but we always stayed
true to our ultimate goal and
we never gave up." "We finally got the son of a
bitch!" Bolden continued. "He's
dead! God is dead!" According to officials, God was
killed this morning on the moon
by a highly trained team of
seven astronauts. He was
reportedly lured into a trap
after coming into contact with the Voyager 2 probe, which
was transmitting a false
message that NASA wanted to
broker a truce with God on
"neutral ground." Astronauts prepare the
Creator's body for its return
to Earth. "One of our lunar rovers
captured an image of God at
approximately 2100 hours last
night, and we immediately
launched a vessel manned by
our best assassins," said Richard Egan, Mission Control
Chief at the Johnson Space
Center in Houston. "After
exiting the lunar lander, the
astronauts approached God
under the false pretense of peace, but He must have
sensed something was amiss
and fled. Our men gave chase
in a moon buggy, finally
overtaking Him in a crater
where He was subdued after several minutes of violent
hand-to-hand combat." Egan told reporters that it
took as many as five highly
trained astronauts to fully
restrain the Supreme Being. He
also confirmed that three of
the astronauts sent to kill God were badly injured, but were
expected to recover. "He was damn fast. And strong
—as strong as anyone I've
ever engaged," said Captain
Trevor Sullivan, the astronaut
who, after his weary team
dragged a bloodied and beaten God back to the lunar module,
executed Him with a single
gunshot to the head. "He
fought like a wild animal, and
the fact that He's omnipotent
really worked against us. But we know a few tricks
ourselves, and after all was
said and done, we took Him
down for good." "Gotta give Him credit, though,
God was defiant right up until
the end. Scrappy bastard spit
right in my face just before I
pulled the trigger," added
Sullivan, smiling. NASA was founded in 1958 by
President Dwight D. Eisenhower
for the express purpose of
locating and assassinating God.
By 1969, it had completed a
successful lunar landing, bringing mankind that much
closer to neutralizing the
Almighty. It was in that year
that U.S. astronaut Neil
Armstrong became the first to
step on the moon, and uttered the legendary phrase,
"Where are you, God, you
fucking gay? Come and get
me!" Over the years, officials told
reporters, God had proved to
be an elusive and formidable
foe. In 1986, He destroyed the
Challenger shuttle, killing all
seven crew members, including Christa McAuliffe, a special
operative who had been given
orders to seduce and then
strangle God with garrote
wire. The Lord subsequently
blew up the Columbia Destroyer Shuttle on reentry
in 2003, and several times
sabotaged the Hubble Space
Telescope, a large piece of
surveillance equipment
launched into orbit in 1990 to monitor His activities. "I can't tell you how many
times God gave us the slip,"
NASA aerospace engineer David
Williamson said. "We learned
pretty quickly that you
couldn't underestimate Him, not for a second. He was an
unbelievably intelligent and
resourceful enemy, and if you
made even the smallest
mistake, you can bet He'd
make you pay for it." Sullivan's begrudging respect
for God was echoed by many
other NASA officials and
employees. Though most have
spent the majority of their
adult lives working toward killing God, a certain reverence
for the deceased deity
pervaded NASA headquarters. "It's ironic that despite all of
the technological advances and
powerful weapons we've made,
it was God's trusting and
compassionate nature that
was His final undoing," said Buzz Aldrin, a former
astronaut who ripped out
pages of the Bible on the
moon's surface in an effort to
enrage God and draw Him out
of hiding. "I mean, you've really got to hand it to Him. He gave
us one hell of a fight." "I only wish it had been me
personally who got to pull the
trigger on that RoosterDrinker,"
Aldrin added.
www.theonion.com/articles/nasa-completes-52year-mission-to-find-kill-god,19263/

The Imo Police Command said it had arrested 14 out of 15 kidnapsuspects in connection with the murder of one Emeka Esieme and two policemen in Oguta in February.
Mr Mohammed Katsina, the state Commissioner for Police, made thisknown to newsmen in Owerri on Tuesday.
“The gang members opened fire when they sighted the anti-kidnap police team. This led to their arrest.”
According to the commissioner, the gang was responsible for the robbery at the Orlu branch of UBA in 2012 and First Bank in Amaraku in 2013.
He said one Osueke, their leader, escaped arrest in February when he ran off to Lagos.
“Osueke sneaked into Owerri last night and assembled his recruits at a hideout in Umutako Ifeakala in Mbaitoli where they were planning to adopt a prominent woman at a meeting.
“They were engaged in massive gun fire by our nearby anti-kidnapping squad during which the gang leader, one EmekaOsueke, alias Ogbanje, was gunned down”, he said.
The commissioner said that one ofthe gang members fled and abandoned one AK47 rifle believedto be one of the two rifles snatched from the slain policemen.
He listed other items recovered from the gang to include one military assault rifle, 162 AK47 liveammunitions, seven AK47 magazines and four mobile phones.
The commissioner said three pumpaction guns and 50 live cartridges, one English pistol; twosingle barrel guns, one cut-to-size single barrel gun, one double barrel gun and three locally madepistols were recovered from theirhideout.
Katsina said the command will notrelent in fighting and preventing crime and advised members of the public to steer away from it.

kkkp: Wot d government created will one day consume dem

Amen ooh.

[quote author=]that's an attack not an invasion. English[/quote]Okay sir thanks for the correction.

Kills 2 soldiers.


Loses 32 members.


In what can be described as daring actions, Boko Haram members attacked security formations in Bama and Malum Fatori in Borno state.
The attacks happened on Sunday where, at least, twosoldiers and a police personnel were killed.
Thirty-two Boko Haram members also lost their lives in the gun battle with the security operatives.
A statement issued by the spokesman of the peacekeeping Joint Task Force (JTF), Lt Col Sagir Musa, said that a cache of sophisticated arms were recovered from the insurgents.
JTF had, last week, warned residents of Borno state of impending attacks during thewinding days of Ramadan.
The statement said: “JTF troops have successfully repelled Boko Haram terrorists attack on a mobilepolice base at Bama town. Terrorists using sophisticated weapons and improvised explosive devices launched attacks at about 6:45am on August 4, 2013.
“The encounter led to the death of one policeman and 17 Boko Haram terrorists, two soldiers were also wounded.”
The statement also added that two soldiers were killedwhen Boko Haram staged another attack on the operatives of the Multi-National Joint Task Force (MNJTF). It added that soldiers were able to gun down 15 Boko Haram terrorists.
It said the attack took placeat “about 10am on August 4,2013, when some Boko Haram terrorists, armed with sophisticated weapons, attacked MNJTF location at Malum Fatori. This attack ledto the death of two soldiersand 15 Boko Haram terrorists.”
The statement said the troops recovered four Toyota Hi lux vehicles, AK-47rifles, two G3 rifles, 10 x 40mm bombs, three RPGS tubes, 85 rounds of 7.62mm ammunition, nine rounds of 7.62mm special ammunition, one IED, three motorcycles, 10 AK 47 rifles magazine, 1 G3 magazine, amongst others.
http://blueprintng.com

Boko haram would have been held responsible if those bombs had exploded.but kudos to the police for a job welldone.

alienware: I don't believe this story, when you follow the links below that article you will discover that people are standing comfortably beside that burning vehicle despite the heat emanating from it, why are they not trying to help those lying on the ground ? Is it in front of the registry as claimed by the article ? People don't stand that way when there's need to either help or move away, the impression on their faces doesn't blend too.

Acording to the news there was no fire and the said man died before they rushed him to the hospital.pls op do something abt the pix because there was no fire.

Dat is old news na it happned around last week saturday.and op where did u see dat pix from cos dat is nt oredo L.G.A ohh.

The kidnaped isreali was working on upper mission extension road and the incident happned around 9am this morning,the two soldiers guarding the man were over powered by the gun men while one of them was shot several times before the kidnepers left.
Source Eyewitness

snake snake snake,i hate them with passion but they sweet when used for peper soup.

It is only hunger dat would make somebody to eat sand.