₦airaland Forum

Some parts are meant to be funny, some to point out silly and absurd stuff.

ANY WAY THE BABY JESUS IS BORN IN BETHLHEM IN JUDEA. MAGI CUBES ER KINGS COME TO VISIT HIM (TO SEASON HIS FOOD). SO THEY GO TO JERUSALEM BY FOLLOWING A STAR (PASTOR AIO IS THAT ALSO SYMBOLIC). THEY TELL THE KING THEIR BULL STORY AND THE WHOLE TOWN GETS THE BLUES. THE MEN FIND THE STAR OVER MARY AND JOSEPHS HOUSE (WHICH SHOULD BE A PILE OF ASHES ALONG WITH EVERYTHING ELSE). THEY WORSHIP HIM. JOSEPH GETS NIGHTMARES AND FLEES TO EGYPT. HEROD KILLS ONLY BOYS AGED 3 AND BELOW(THIS GOES SUPRISINGLY UNNOTICED BY HISTORIANS)JESUS GOES TO BE BAPTIZED BY JOHN THE BAPTIST.
HE IS LED BY THE HOLY SPIRTI (HIMSELF?)TO THE WILDERNESS WHERE HE FASTS AND PRAYS TO HIMSELF FOR FORTY DAYS AND FORTY NIGHTS. THE DEVIL COMES TO HIM TO SAY THAT HE SHOULD TURN STONES TO BREAD. JESUS QUOTES BIBLE. DEVIL TELLS HIM TO ATTEMPT SUICIDE, JESUS QUOTES SCRITPTURE. THE DEVIL TAKES HIM TO A REALLY HIGH MOUNTAIN WHERE HE CAN SEE ALL THE KINGDOMS OF THE WORLD AND(HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE) JESUS TELLS HIM TO FU.C.K OFF.
COMMENT:WHO WROTE ALL THIS DOWN. HE WAS ALONE. SO JESUS WAS LIKE, SO DUDES ONE DAY ME AND THE DEVIL HAD A BRAWL AND I TOTALLY ONE LOLOLOLOL
JESUS GOES ON A HEALING SPREE
JESUS GIVES THE SERMON ON THE MOUNT AND PEOPLE ARE AMAZED AT HIS WISDOM
CMT: SO I CANCO ON THE ROAD AND BE ALL LIKE BE GOOD DONT STEAL DONT LIE. AND PEOPLE ARE BLOWN AWAY BY MY WISDOM. WOW.
JESUS IS THE XMEN STORM MATT8:23-27
JESUS HEALS TWO DEMON POSSESSED MEN WITH CONVENIENT DIALOGUE. 'JESUS, WHO IS OBVIOUSLY THE SON OF GOD,WHAT DO YOU WANT?' JESUS SENDS THEM INTO PIGS AND KILLS A WHOLE TOWN'S BUSINESS.
JESUS CALLS MATTHEW:SO WHO WAS TELLING THIS STORY
JESUS IS QUESTIONED ABOUT FASTING AND BLOWS OFF A FEW LIES.
NEXT, TWO BLIND MEN OLLOW JESUS(TRULY A MIRACLE)JESUS HEALS THEM.
PHARISEES MAKE A GOOD POINT, IT IS BY THE PRINCE OF DEMONS HE CASTS OUT DEMONS.
JESUS COUNTERS THIS BY READING MINDS AND CONFUSING THEM BY SPOUTING BULL.
CMT: JESUS COULD JUST BE LIKE HEY DUDES IM ACTING HERE SO MAKE IT SNAPPY.
JESUS WALKS ON WATER, LIKE NARUTO.
JESUS TAKES HIS GAY TRIO TO A MOUNTAIN IN PRIVATE (HOW CONVENIENT) AND SUMMONS ELIJAH AND MOSES WHOM PETER SOMEHOW RECOGNIZES.
JESUS MEETS TWO MORE BLIND MEN (THEY TRAVEL IN PACKS OF TWO I GUESS)
JESUS CURSES A FIG TREE FOR NOT BEING RIPE OUT OF SEASON. INSTEAD OF USING HIS GOD POWERS TO RIPEN IT.
JESUS BLOWS ANOTHER LIE (MOUNTAIN JUMPING)
JESUS TELLS OF THE SIGNS OF THE ENDWHICH ARE, FAMINE ,WAR AND EARTHQUAKES. (OOH SO UNNATURAL)
JESUS GOES TO GETHSEMANE.
JESUS IS FRENCHED BY JUDAS (NO HOMO)
JESUS IS ARRESTED AND KILLED.
HE IS BROUGHT BACK BY HIMSELF(?)

Yo Pastor, that was sooo funny. Remind me to laugh. Roll eyes

The Gospels:
MATTHEW
BLAH BLAH AH GENEAOLOGY
A WOMAN WAS RAPED BY HE HOLY SPIRIT WHILE SHE WAS ENGAGED. HER HUSBAND JOE PLANNED TO DIVORCE HER QUIETLY WHEN AN ANGEL POPS UP IN HIS DREAM.AND PULLS OUT A PROPHECY SAYING 'A YOUNG WOMAN WILL GET PREGNANT AND DELIVER'(INSIGHTFUL) SO JACOBTAKES ADVICE FROM DREAMS, HE MUST HAVE FAILED AS A BANKER, THE CHILD SHOULD BE CALLED IMMANUL, HE IS NAMED JSUS.

Yo, Pastor. There's a third option, he is talking out of his a.s.s
Comments and constructive criticism encouraged from Christians, muslims, mustians budhists, atheists e.t.c.
A THIRD ANDEL FOLLOWS THEM AND SAYS ' IF ANY TAKES THE MARK OF THE BEAST HE SHALL BE ROASTED BY US. SO ENDURE PEACE NIGGERS'
THERE IS A HARVEST( A NO PRIZE TO WHOEVER CAN INTERPRETE THIS SYMBOLICALLY WITHOUT SOUNDING LIKE A TAPE RECORDER .E NO COPY PASTA)
SEVEN ANGELS STAND WITH BOWLS OF GOD'S WRATH(SOME ONE NEEDS TO SEE AN OMNIPOTENT PSYCHIATRIST:) THE ANGELS GROVEL (AS USUAL) AND POUR OUT BOWLS OF ANGER ON EARTH.
THEN GOD POURS OUT THE FINAL PLAGUE TO SHOW HIS GODLY POWER, OH YEAH BIG G SHOW THAT ANTICHRIST WHAT YOU'VE GOT, AND F'S UP. WOW AN EARTHQUAKE, AND LIGHTNING, HOW IMPRESSIVE. LET ME RECIPROCRATE BY SHOWING YOU MY DEADLY EYE ROLL.
THEN GOD ARRESTS SATAN, THROWS HIM IN A PRISON AND FREES HIM ATER 1000YRS (WHY?). THEN HE COMES OUT AND PEOPLE FLOCK TO HIM (SHOWS HOW GOOD JESUS' REIGN WAS)
GOD THROWS HIM IN HELL INSTEAD OF DESTROYING HIM.
THEN ALL CHRISTIANS GO TO HEAVEN AND SLAVE HAPPILY EVER ATER. AMEN.

Then, the mutant seven eyed seven horned lamb makes another appearance with the 144,000 who have his name written on their foreheads, and his father wo is also him. All were virgins (figures). They sang a new song which sounded like lightning and rushing water (Mozart eat that). They follow the lamb and were bought as offerings for him (Sounds nice)
Next an angel flew around earth saying and i paraphrase 'BOW DOWN TO THE GREAT AND MIGHTY GOD KNEEL. HE IS YOUR LORD SO BOW. Peace.'
A second followed and said 'DOOM AND DOOM AND MORE DOOM ON BABYLON'

Then, the mutant seven eyed seven horned lamb makes another appearance with the 144,000 who have his name written on their foreheads, and his father wo is also him. All were virgins (figures). They sang a new song which sounded like lightning and rushing water (Mozart eat that). They follow the lamb and were bought as offerings for him (Sounds nice)
Next an angel flew around earth saying and i paraphrase 'BOW DOWN TO THE GREAT AND MIGHTY GOD KNEEL. HE IS YOUR LORD SO BOW. Peace.'
A second followed and said 'DOOM AND DOOM AND MORE DOOM ON BABYLON'

ALRIGHT. BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED ALL CAPS BIBLE STUDY.
REV 13:11-18 JOHN IS HIGH ON LSD AND SEES ANOTHER BEAST. THIS ONE HAS THE VOIE OF A DRAGON WITH AM HORNS (HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO RULE THE WORLD, MY FIRST REACTION TO SUCH MONSTERS WOULD BE KILL THEM TO DEATH, OVER AND OVER AND , ) THE BEAST USES JUJU AND DECEIVES THE EASILY DECEIVED HUMANS, HE COULD BRING STATUES TO LIFE AND FORCED EVERONE TO HAVE A MARK ON THEIR FOREHEAD(AS FOR ME AND MY HOUSEHOLD. IN UZI WE TRUST)

Heaven. A democracy. Lol.
@above poster And thx fr the pic, it's just christian double think.

a w0oman in a sundress with crown stars and moon shoes is chased by a seven headed dragon (do i have to make fun of this. it does it by itself) the dragon chases the woman for a bit is flung out of heaven then proves that the earth is extremely durable by flinging half the stars of space into earth.then a leopard with sven heads and crowns comes out and convinces people to worship it (must have been some effort)

I'm gonna only do revelations and the gospels unless i get more comments. this is tedious work.

JOHN IS GIVEN A SWEET SCROLL TO EAT. IT TAKES GOOD BUT MAN THAT DIARRHEA IS ONE MEAN S.O.B. SO NEXT WE HAVE, JOHN MEASURING THINGS RANDOMLY. TWO WITNESSES WHO BREATH FIRE, AKATSUKI MEMBERS A NINE TAILED DE, WRONG FANTASY SERIES. NEXT ON GODS FORECAST IS,

SO. THE FIRST TRUMPET SUMMONS HAIL FIRE AND BLOOD, THE SECOND A MOUNTAIN. THE THIRD MAKES A STA FALL FROM HEAVEN TO INCINERATE THE EARTH, I MEAN TO MAKE THE WATERS BITTER. THE FOURTH MAKES IT COLDER BY A THIRD WHILE THE FIFTH SENDS ANOTHER STAR (EARTH'S GRAVITY IS A B.I.T.C.H) WHICH FORMS A BOTTOMLESS PIT AND LOCUST LION SNAKE HUMAN ABOMINATIONS COME OUT. THEY ARE TOLD 'GO WILD BUT STAY OFF MY LAWN'. A SIXTH ANGEL SUMMONS FOUR ANGELS WHO WANT TO KILL A (GUESS) , THIRD, OF HUMANITY. THE ANGELS HAVE SOLDIERS WHICH WERE KILLED NY A NUKE, OH I MEAN COULD BELCH FIRE.

THE BOOK OF REVELATION
SO, A GUY CALLED JOHN OF PATMOS. ONE OF JESUS' FORMER DISCIPLES {IMPLIED} HAD A VISION AS HE WAS EXILED.
HE SAW A DUDE IN WHITE AND GOLD. HOLDING 7 STARS(!?), 7 LAMPSTANDS AND WIELDING A SWORD IN HIS MOUTH RORONOA ZORO STYLE. SO THE DUDE JOHN ANNOUNCES SOME STUFF TO THE ANGELS OF SEVEN CHURCHES AND BREAKS THE FOURTH WALL TO TALK TO MODERN CHRISTIANS. REV 3:16. HE IS TAKEN TO HEAVEN AND MEETS SOME FREAKY EYED CREATURES WHO ALONG WITH 24 ELDERS BOW DOWN TO GOD SPONTANEOUSLY WHILE GROVELLING AT HIS FEET.
GOD SITS ON A THRONE(HEAVEN IS A MONARCHY?). SOME THINGS HAPPEN. A STRONG ANGEL (THERE ARE WEAK ANGELS?) BRINGS UP A SCROLL NO ONE CAN OPEN(BUIT I REALLY REALLY WANTED TO READ THAT BOOK ) THEN THE LION OF JUDAH (ACTUALLY A MUTANT SEVEN EYED SEVEN HORNED LAMB CREATURE) BREAKS THE SEALS TO A BOOK WHICH HOLDS(HUH?)4 HORSEMEN AN EARTHQUAKE AN ECLIPSE, THEN GOD SEALS UP SOME 144000 JEWS(CUZ ANGELS CANT TELL BETWEEN SAVED AND UNBELIEVERS) ANY WAY ANGELS WITH SEVEN(OBSESSED MUCH) PREPARE TO SOUND NOTES OF DOOM ON EARTH PT 1 CONC. PT 2 CMING UP