₦airaland Forum

The Edomites start off by asking God why he hates them and when will he stop hating them, to which God replies, "Everything you build, I will tear it down, because you constantly offer me blind and sickly animal sacrifices."

2:1 And now, O ye priests, this commandment is for you.

2:2 If ye will not hear, and if ye will not lay it to heart, to give glory unto my name, saith the LORD of hosts, I will even send a curse upon you, and I will curse your blessings: yea, I have cursed them already, because ye do not lay it to heart.

2:3 Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it.

-Start worshiping me better or I will make you impotent and smear shit on your face.



3:8 Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings.

3:9 Ye are cursed with a curse: for ye have robbed me, even this whole nation.

3:10 Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the LORD of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.

-God loves that money. It's a good thing we created currency out of arbitrary metals or else we would have nothing to appease God. Doesn't that sound strange that the author of this book wants you to bring all your money to a storehouse in exchange for blessings?







4:4 Remember ye the law of Moses my servant, which I commanded unto him in Horeb for all Israel, with the statutes and judgments.

-2nd verse from the end. Must be pretty important. Yet "the Old Testament laws don't apply anymore" sayeth the illiterate Christians.



And the very last piece of departing knowledge from the loving God?

4:6 And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.

-Ah, a threat and a curse. That's the deity we've all come to know.

God wakes up Zechariah with an air horn (I'm assuming, he is a dick after all) and says:

1:2 The LORD hath been sore displeased with your fathers.

1:3 Therefore say thou unto them, Thus saith the LORD of hosts; Turn ye unto me, saith the LORD of hosts, and I will turn unto you, saith the LORD of hosts.

-Well. Much calmer approach this time. Simply tell them this. God must have taken his Valium.



1:8 I saw by night, and behold a man riding upon a red horse, and he stood among the myrtle trees that were in the bottom; and behind him were there red horses, speckled, and white.

-Zech sees a bunch of strange colored horses, who then talk and tell an angel that they have traveled the earth and it is calm (sitteth still and at rest), who then relays that to God.



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Next, 2 angels are hanging out talking to each other for some reason, and Zech sees a man "with a measuring line" who is trying to measure Jerusalem. So Zech says:

2:4 And said unto him, Run, speak to this young man, saying, Jerusalem shall be inhabited as towns without walls for the multitude of men and cattle therein:

2:5 For I, saith the LORD, will be unto her a wall of fire round about, and will be the glory in the midst of her.

-Get the hell out of here, buddy! God's gonna start setting things on fire!



3:1 And he shewed me Joshua the high priest standing before the angel of the LORD, and Satan standing at his right hand to resist him.

3:2 And the LORD said unto Satan, The LORD rebuke thee, O Satan; even the LORD that hath chosen Jerusalem rebuke thee: is not this a brand plucked out of the fire?

-Joshua, an angel, and Satan are hanging out. And God's like, "Get out of here Satan, you're cramping my style." Then they turn their noses up at Joshua's dirty clothes and give him clean ones... because dirt... is bad? I didn't know the Lord was such a snob.


This next part doesn't make too much sense. Decode it with me!



3:8 Hear now, O Joshua the high priest, thou, and thy fellows that sit before thee: for they are men wondered at: for, behold, I will bring forth my servant the BRANCH.

3:9 For behold the stone that I have laid before Joshua; upon one stone shall be seven eyes: behold, I will engrave the graving thereof, saith the LORD of hosts, and I will remove the iniquity of that land in one day.

3:10 In that day, saith the LORD of hosts, shall ye call every man his neighbour under the vine and under the fig tree.

-I bring forth my servant... the BRANCH? And this stone has seven eyes? I will engrave the graving? Everyone under the vine and fig trees is my neighbor?



4:1 And the angel that talked with me came again, and waked me, as a man that is wakened out of his sleep.

4:2 And said unto me, What seest thou? And I said, I have looked, and behold a candlestick all of gold, with a bowl upon the top of it, and his seven lamps thereon, and seven pipes to the seven lamps, which are upon the top thereof:

4:3 And two olive trees by it, one upon the right side of the bowl, and the other upon the left side thereof.

-Stop waking me up! What do you want? You wanted to show me a candlestick with a bowl on it with seven lamps on the bowl and also seven pipes and two trees? Yes that's a very impressive balancing trick, can I go back to sleep?



4:4 So I answered and spake to the angel that talked with me, saying, What are these, my lord?

4:5 Then the angel that talked with me answered and said unto me, Knowest thou not what these be? And I said, No, my lord.

4:6 Then he answered and spake unto me, saying, This is the word of the LORD unto Zerubbabel, saying, Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit, saith the LORD of hosts.

-What are these supposed to be? This is the word of the Lord? You show me a bunch of pipes and lanterns on a bowl on a candlestick and expect me to understand? Why not just tell me?



4:11 Then answered I, and said unto him, What are these two olive trees upon the right side of the candlestick and upon the left side thereof?

4:12 And I answered again, and said unto him, What be these two olive branches which through the two golden pipes empty the golden oil out of themselves?

4:13 And he answered me and said, Knowest thou not what these be? And I said, No, my lord.

4:14 Then said he, These are the two anointed ones, that stand by the LORD of the whole earth.

-Stop messing with me angel, I already told you I didn't get it, so answer me already. "These are the two anointed ones?" What the hell does that mean?



5:7 And, behold, there was lifted up a talent of lead: and this is a woman that sitteth in the midst of the ephah.

5:8 And he said, This is wickedness. And he cast it into the midst of the ephah; and he cast the weight of lead upon the mouth thereof.

5:9 Then lifted I up mine eyes, and looked, and, behold, there came out two women, and the wind was in their wings; for they had wings like the wings of a stork: and they lifted up the ephah between the earth and the heaven.

5:10 Then said I to the angel that talked with me, Whither do these bear the ephah?

5:11 And he said unto me, To build it an house in the land of Shinar: and it shall be established, and set there upon her own base.

-A woman is the personification of evil. And two women with stork-like wings fly off to build a home base with an ephah... which google tells me is a unit of measurement. No, not confusing at all. Thanks for the easy-to-read moral lesson, Bible!



6:1 And I turned, and lifted up mine eyes, and looked, and, behold, there came four chariots out from between two mountains; and the mountains were mountains of brass.

6:2 In the first chariot were red horses; and in the second chariot black horses;

6:3 And in the third chariot white horses; and in the fourth chariot grisled and bay horses.

6:4 Then I answered and said unto the angel that talked with me, What are these, my lord?

6:5 And the angel answered and said unto me, These are the four spirits of the heavens, which go forth from standing before the LORD of all the earth.

6:6 The black horses which are therein go forth into the north country; and the white go forth after them; and the grisled go forth toward the south country.

-Zechariah (really tripping balls on LSD at this point) sees the multi-colored horses again with chariots, who are apparently spirits of the heavens who travel the world...







6:12 And speak unto him, saying, Thus speaketh the LORD of hosts, saying, Behold the man whose name is The BRANCH; and he shall grow up out of his place, and he shall build the temple of the LORD:

6:13 Even he shall build the temple of the LORD; and he shall bear the glory, and shall sit and rule upon his throne; and he shall be a priest upon his throne: and the counsel of peace shall be between them both.

-God's main man The BRANCH (so it's a man and not an actual branch) shows up and God says he'll eventually rule the temple... that he is to build. I would think that if you built a temple by yourself, it's already assumed that you should be the one to rule it.



7:9 Thus speaketh the LORD of hosts, saying, Execute true judgment, and shew mercy and compassions every man to his brother:

7:10 And oppress not the widow, nor the fatherless, the stranger, nor the poor; and let none of you imagine evil against his brother in your heart.

-Sayeth the man who mercilessly kills millions of widows, orphans, strangers, poor people, and brothers. It's nice to jam in a random moral teaching once every 10 books.



10:3 Mine anger was kindled against the shepherds, and I punished the goats: for the LORD of hosts hath visited his flock the house of Judah, and hath made them as his goodly horse in the battle.

-Let's say that first part is a metaphor. So God was mad at his prophets or his religious leaders... so he punished his followers? What kind of bullshit discipline system are you running God? And why does God spend SO much time punishing his own followers rather than focusing on all the non-believers, like say... every civilization to the east?



God alternates between threatening to destroy his people and praising how great they will soon be. Then he names 2 sticks "Beauty" and "Bands."

11:10 And I took my staff, even Beauty, and cut it asunder, that I might break my covenant which I had made with all the people.

11:14 Then I cut asunder mine other staff, even Bands, that I might break the brotherhood between Judah and Israel.

-Doesn't that say right there that God broke his covenant with his people? So what the hell are we doing here? God has forsaken everyone and we should stop cutting the foreskins off our babies.



12:9 And it shall come to pass in that day, that I will seek to destroy all the nations that come against Jerusalem.

-Lots and lots of nations have come against Jerusalem and won. The city has switched hands so many times that I, too would angrily accuse it of being a LovePeddler... if I were a crazy person.

for those who dont know...fap is the sound effect of wanking

1:1 The word of the LORD which came unto Zephaniah the son of Cushi...

-Step 1, contact random goat herder. Step 2?

1:2 I will utterly consume all things from off the land, saith the LORD.

1:3 I will consume man and beast; I will consume the fowls of the heaven, and the fishes of the sea, and the stumbling blocks with the wicked: and I will cut off man from off the land, saith the LORD.

-WOW. He didn't even tap dance around for a few verses or introduce himself. Just, "Hey Zephaniah! I'm gonna fucking destroy EVERYTHING MUAHAHAHAHA!"







1:7 Hold thy peace at the presence of the Lord GOD: for the day of the LORD is at hand: for the LORD hath prepared a sacrifice, he hath bid his guests.

1:8 And it shall come to pass in the day of the LORD's sacrifice, that I will punish the princes, and the king's children, and all such as are clothed with strange apparel.

-So the day of the Lord is at hand... but it shall come to pass? NOW IS THE TIME... for me to tell you about the future. And God doesn't like funny clothes.



1:14 The great day of the LORD is near, it is near, and hasteth greatly, even the voice of the day of the LORD: the mighty man shall cry there bitterly.

1:15 That day is a day of wrath, a day of trouble and distress, a day of wasteness and desolation, a day of darkness and gloominess, a day of clouds and thick darkness,

-So now the day is NEAR. The Lord seems to be getting off on just thinking about this approaching doom.



1:17 And I will bring distress upon men, that they shall walk like blind men, because they have sinned against the LORD: and their blood shall be poured out as dust, and their flesh as the dung.

-Fap fap fap.



God starts listing all the things he's going to destroy:

Gaza, Ashkelon, Ekron, the sea coast, Canaan, the Philistines, Moab, the children of Ammon, Ethiopians, Assyrians, and Nineveh.



3:8 Therefore wait ye upon me, saith the LORD, until the day that I rise up to the prey: for my determination is to gather the nations, that I may assemble the kingdoms, to pour upon them mine indignation, even all my fierce anger: for all the earth shall be devoured with the fire of my jealousy.

3:9 For then will I turn to the people a pure language, that they may all call upon the name of the LORD, to serve him with one consent.

3:12 I will also leave in the midst of thee an afflicted and poor people, and they shall trust in the name of the LORD.

-After the Lord destroys everything in a fit of rage, whoever survives will be awed and humbled and will surely worship this psychopath.







God demands that people build him a house on a mountaintop (why?) and they ignore him and repair their own houses. So God brought a drought upon their land until they listened.



2:8 The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, saith the LORD of hosts.

-God and his need for material possessions.



2:22 And I will overthrow the throne of kingdoms, and I will destroy the strength of the kingdoms of the heathen; and I will overthrow the chariots, and those that ride in them; and the horses and their riders shall come down, every one by the sword of his brother.

-Sigh. Look God, this is getting goddamned monotonous. You could've condensed these last 12 books into one sentence. "I'm about to bring the pain on all you motherfuckers." You can call it the Book of Ohnohedidnt.

You know the deal. God says he'll destroy some city.

He so angry, He destroy you long time.



2:16 Thou art filled with shame for glory: drink thou also, and let thy foreskin be uncovered: the cup of the LORD's right hand shall be turned unto thee, and shameful spewing shall be on thy glory.

-Uncover my foreskin and spew my shame all over my glory? You got it, God. What's that? You'll cup me with your right hand? Thanks.







No wonder they call this book Mess ...errr Habakkuk.



3:3 God came from Teman, and the Holy One from mount Paran. Selah. His glory covered the heavens, and the earth was full of his praise.

3:4 And his brightness was as the light; he had horns coming out of his hand: and there was the hiding of his power.

3:5 Before him went the pestilence, and burning coals went forth at his feet.

-God had horns coming out of his hand, burning coals at his feet, and brought forth a pestilence. Now who does that sound like?






3:10 The mountains saw thee, and they trembled: the overflowing of the water passed by: the deep uttered his voice, and lifted up his hands on high.

3:11 The sun and moon stood still in their habitation: at the light of thine arrows they went, and at the shining of thy glittering spear.

-God frightens mountains and make the Sun... stand still... even though... the Sun already stands still.



That's all I got out of it. You know... for necessary, divine books directly from God to mankind... these all seem like filler material.
I could very easily have lived my life without ever knowing the contents of Habakkuk.

AKA, something to read in between pasting quotes from Pasture on your facebook so your friends can join you in laughing at him



I'm going to compact these into more obvious structures, since all these books are the same thing.


PERSON GOD CONTACTED THIS TIME:

Micah


REASON FOR THE CONTACT:

Destruction and punishment (the usual)


List of ways God is going to destroy things:

1:3 For, behold, the LORD cometh forth out of his place, and will come down, and tread upon the high places of the earth.

1:4 And the mountains shall be molten under him, and the valleys shall be cleft, as wax before the fire, and as the waters that are poured down a steep place.

1:6 Therefore I will make Samaria as an heap of the field, and as plantings of a vineyard: and I will pour down the stones thereof into the valley, and I will discover the foundations thereof.

1:7 And all the graven images thereof shall be beaten to pieces, and all the hires thereof shall be burned with the fire, and all the idols thereof will I lay desolate: for she gathered it of the hire of an harlot, and they shall return to the hire of an harlot.

1:8 Therefore I will wail and howl, I will go stripped and naked: I will make a wailing like the dragons, and mourning as the owls.

3:12 Therefore shall Zion for your sake be plowed as a field, and Jerusalem shall become heaps, and the mountain of the house as the high places of the forest.

5:12 And I will cut off witchcrafts out of thine hand; and thou shalt have no more soothsayers:

5:15 And I will execute vengeance in anger and fury upon the heathen, such as they have not heard.

6:13 Therefore also will I make thee sick in smiting thee, in making thee desolate because of thy sins.

6:14 Thou shalt eat, but not be satisfied; and thy casting down shall be in the midst of thee; and thou shalt take hold, but shalt not deliver; and that which thou deliverest will I give up to the sword.

6:15 Thou shalt sow, but thou shalt not reap; thou shalt tread the olives, but thou shalt not anoint thee with oil; and sweet wine, but shalt not drink wine.







2:1 Woe to them that devise iniquity, and work evil

-Woe to them that devise evil!

2:3 Therefore thus saith the LORD; Behold, against this family do I devise an evil

-Wait, what?



7:5 Trust ye not in a friend, put ye not confidence in a guide: keep the doors of thy mouth from her that lieth in thy bosom.

-Damn friends, guides, and lovers... deceitful liars and whores is what they are.











Ok, I haven't even looked yet. 1000 bucks says the Lord contacts a guy named Nahum because he wants to destroy things and wants Nahum to be his voice. Let's have a look.



1:1 The burden of Nineveh. The book of the vision of Nahum the Elkoshite.

1:2 God is jealous, and the LORD revengeth; the LORD revengeth, and is furious; the LORD will take vengeance on his adversaries, and he reserveth wrath for his enemies.

1:3 The LORD is slow to anger, and great in power, and will not at all acquit the wicked: the LORD hath his way in the whirlwind and in the storm, and the clouds are the dust of his feet.

1:4 He rebuketh the sea, and maketh it dry, and drieth up all the rivers: Bashan languisheth, and Carmel, and the flower of Lebanon languisheth.

1:5 The mountains quake at him, and the hills melt, and the earth is burned at his presence, yea, the world, and all that dwell therein.

1:6 Who can stand before his indignation? and who can abide in the fierceness of his anger? his fury is poured out like fire, and the rocks are thrown down by him.

-Alright? I guess I was kinda right? This time he seems angry at the earth itself. Those mountains and oceans have pissed him off and he will have vengeance.



2:3 The shield of his mighty men is made red, the valiant men are in scarlet: the chariots shall be with flaming torches in the day of his preparation, and the fir trees shall be terribly shaken.

2:4 The chariots shall rage in the streets, they shall justle one against another in the broad ways: they shall seem like torches, they shall run like the lightnings.

-I don't understand... what this book is saying. It's like a bad poet on Spoken Word night at the jazz club. Fir trees? Flaming chariots as fast as lightning?



2:8 But Nineveh is of old like a pool of water: yet they shall flee away. Stand, stand, shall they cry; but none shall look back.

2:10 She is empty, and void, and waste: and the heart melteth, and the knees smite together, and much pain is in all loins, and the faces of them all gather blackness.

-Alright. We've discovered the "wicked" city that will feel his wrath... and she'll make everybody's balls hurt.



3:3 The horseman lifteth up both the bright sword and the glittering spear: and there is a multitude of slain, and a great number of carcases; and there is none end of their corpses; they stumble upon their corpses:

3:4 Because of the multitude of the whoredoms of the well favoured harlot, the mistress of witchcrafts, that selleth nations through her whoredoms, and families through her witchcrafts.

3:7 And it shall come to pass, that all they that look upon thee shall flee from thee, and say, Nineveh is laid waste: who will bemoan her? whence shall I seek comforters for thee?

-Blah blah blah. Another random city called a LovePeddler and laid to waste by the great merciful douchebag.

1:1 Now the word of the LORD came unto Jonah the son of Amittai, saying,

1:2 Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and cry against it; for their wickedness is come up before me.

-God tells someone to drop what they're doing and go be the voice of vengeance towards some random "wicked" civilization (sound familiar?).



1:3 But Jonah rose up to flee unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD, and went down to Joppa; and he found a ship going to Tarshish: so he paid the fare thereof, and went down into it, to go with them unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD.

1:4 But the LORD sent out a great wind into the sea, and there was a mighty tempest in the sea, so that the ship was like to be broken.

-But apparently Jonah had heard of what happened to all the other "prophets" of the Lord, because he took off running like a sane person. God was having none of that. He sent a tempest to drown Jonah.



1:15 So they look up Jonah, and cast him forth into the sea: and the sea ceased from her raging.

1:17 Now the LORD had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

-Which of course is absolutely possible, since the giant fish was under telepathic orders from God not to digest him.







Jonah prays to God from inside the fish saying "Ok, you got me. Let me out of here and I will praise your name and do what you ask."

2:10 And the LORD spake unto the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land.

-God said to the fish, "Grrrrggggllllgrrllgrel" which is of course Fish for "Let him go." I think it also means something in Murlock (Warcraft joke).



3:4 And Jonah began to enter into the city a day's journey, and he cried, and said, Yet forty days, and Nineveh shall be overthrown.

-Jonah delivers God's message and the people of Nineveh put on "sackcloths" and repented.

3:10 And God saw their works, that they turned from their evil way; and God repented of the evil, that he had said that he would do unto them; and he did it not.

-And God's like "oh nevermind, you've learned your lesson." Which... kind of makes the whole trip seem like a waste. I mean couldn't God have appeared to the people of Nineveh themselves since God (being omnipotent and all) knew that they would quickly repent?



4:1 But it displeased Jonah exceedingly, and he was very angry.

4:2 And he prayed unto the LORD, and said, I pray thee, O LORD, was not this my saying, when I was yet in my country?

-Jonah shares my confusion and goes off to sulk.

4:4 Then said the LORD, Doest thou well to be angry?

-God tells Jonah his attitude isn't very helpful.



So to "prove a point" God makes a gourd grow up over Jonah and provide shade for him, which removes Jonah's grief. The next day, God has worms eat the gourd, and Jonah passes out from the sun. Then God asks:

4:9 And God said to Jonah, Doest thou well to be angry for the gourd? And he said, I do well to be angry, even unto death.

4:10 Then said the LORD, Thou hast had pity on the gourd, for the which thou hast not laboured, neither madest it grow; which came up in a night, and perished in a night:

4:11 And should not I spare Nineveh, that great city, wherein are more then sixscore thousand persons that cannot discern between their right hand and their left hand; and also much cattle?

-God points out in an overly intricate and convoluted way that Jonah doesn't seem to care about the people God almost slaughtered, but cares about the demise of a gourd.







This whole story was pointless

God visits a sheep herder named Amos. And the reason for his visit?

(Drumroll)
...
..
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javascript:void(0);
PUNISHMENT OF MANKIND! javascript:void(0);





1:4 But I will send a fire into the house of Hazael, which shall devour the palaces of Benhadad.

-You know... I'm assuming God isn't going to have a radical change of heart in the last few chapters and start being kind to everyone. My count of vengeful god vs caring god is like 20,453 to 6.
The OT is a terrible book... but we'll save that for the post-OT review session.



1:7 But I will send a fire on the wall of Gaza

1:10 But I will send a fire on the wall of Tyrus

1:12 But I will send a fire upon Teman

2:2 But I will send a fire upon Moab

2:5 But I will send a fire upon Judah

-God loves to burn people alive. Kid with a magnifying glass.



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5:18 Woe unto you that desire the day of the LORD! to what end is it for you? the day of the LORD is darkness, and not light.

5:19 As if a man did flee from a lion, and a bear met him; or went into the house, and leaned his hand on the wall, and a serpent bit him.

5:20 Shall not the day of the LORD be darkness, and not light? even very dark, and no brightness in it?

-Sounds to me like God is asking why anyone would look forward to judgement day, since it's going to be darkness and pain for everyone.



5:21 I hate, I despise your feast days, and I will not smell in your solemn assemblies.

5:22 Though ye offer me burnt offerings and your meat offerings, I will not accept them: neither will I regard the peace offerings of your fat beasts.

5:23 Take thou away from me the noise of thy songs; for I will not hear the melody of thy viols.

5:24 But let judgment run down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream.

5:25 Have ye offered unto me sacrifices and offerings in the wilderness forty years, O house of Israel?

-Because the people of Israel haven't offered animal sacrifices for 40 years, God decides that even if they DID offer them now, he wouldn't take them. And also, you all smell terrible and I hate your stupid songs.



6:8 The Lord GOD hath sworn by himself, saith the LORD the God of hosts, I abhor the excellency of Jacob, and hate his palaces: therefore will I deliver up the city with all that is therein.

6:9 And it shall come to pass, if there remain ten men in one house, that they shall die.

-And you know what? Jacob's palaces are stupid too. So stupid that I'm going to destroy them. And don't let me catch a bunch of guys living in the same house or I'll kill them too.



8:1 Thus hath the Lord GOD shewed unto me: and behold a basket of summer fruit.

8:2 And he said, Amos, what seest thou? And I said, A basket of summer fruit. Then said the LORD unto me, The end is come upon my people of Israel; I will not again pass by them any more.

8:3 And the songs of the temple shall be howlings in that day, saith the Lord GOD: there shall be many dead bodies in every place; they shall cast them forth with silence.

Lord: Hey Amos, what does this look like to you?
Amos: Uhhhh, summer fruit?
Lord: ...I'm gonna kill those fucking Israelis.
Amos: ...?


=



8:7 The LORD hath sworn by the excellency of Jacob, Surely I will never forget any of their works.

-But you just said... but... (turns back 2 pages)

"6:8 The Lord GOD hath sworn by himself, saith the LORD the God of hosts, I abhor the excellency of Jacob"



8:9 And it shall come to pass in that day, saith the Lord GOD, that I will cause the sun to go down at noon, and I will darken the earth in the clear day:

-Cause the sun to go down at noon? But that's physically impossible for sun to go down at noon for the entire world. And if you tilted the earth so that there was little sun for Israel, that means that on the opposite side of the earth, some poor bastards are only getting about three hours of darkness.



9:1 I saw the LORD standing upon the altar: and he said, Smite the lintel of the door, that the posts may shake: and cut them in the head, all of them; and I will slay the last of them with the sword: he that fleeth of them shall not flee away, and he that escapeth of them shall not be delivered.

9:3 And though they hide themselves in the top of Carmel, I will search and take them out thence; and though they be hid from my sight in the bottom of the sea, thence will I command the serpent, and he shall bite them:

-Amos sees God (in human form?) standing on an altar?? The Lord says that any that try to run from the Lord's sword will be put down. Even if they hide at the bottom of the sea, the Lord will use his telepathy and command serpents to attack.

I'll give you 100 chances to guess how the book begins, but you'll only need 1.

1:15 Alas for the day! for the day of the LORD is at hand, and as a destruction from the Almighty shall it come.

-Here comes the Lord again, using another "prophet" to spread word about his destruction of things.



2:13 And rend your heart, and not your garments, and turn unto the LORD your God: for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repenteth him of the evil.

-Yes. The great and kind, God, who has displayed his mercy time and time again... by destroying innocents because he desires their land or simply because he's bored.



2:31 The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before the great and terrible day of the LORD come.

-You know... it's been THOUSANDS of years since you threatened this stuff, Lord. Are you gonna get around to it sometime? Or are you busy somewhere making MORE universes and beings that you can punish for ignoring your invisibility?



That's it. Book over. 3 chapters of the Lord threatening to bring the hammer down on everyone.

1:2 The beginning of the word of the LORD by Hosea. And the LORD said to Hosea, Go, take unto thee a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms: for the land hath committed great whoredom, departing from the LORD.

-God tells Hosea, "You might as well go get yourself a LovePeddler wife and have LovePeddler children, since everyone else in the land is doing it. Hosea doesn't pick up on the sarcasm.

1:3 So he went and took Gomer the daughter of Diblaim; which conceived, and bare him a son.







1:4 And the LORD said unto him, Call his name Jezreel; for yet a little while, and I will avenge the blood of Jezreel upon the house of Jehu, and will cause to cease the kingdom of the house of Israel.

-Name your child Jezreel so I can kill things in his name.

1:6 And she conceived again, and bare a daughter. And God said unto him, Call her name Loruhamah: for I will no more have mercy upon the house of Israel; but I will utterly take them away.

-Name your second child Loruhamah (which means "unloved", because I will be show no mercy while destroying Israel.

1:9 Then said God, Call his name Loammi: for ye are not my people, and I will not be your God.

-Name your third child Loammi, because I just don't give a shit anymore. Me and Israel are totally done.



2:2 Plead with your mother, plead: for she is not my wife, neither am I her husband: let her therefore put away her whoredoms out of her sight, and her adulteries from between her breasts;

2:3 Lest I strip her naked, and set her as in the day that she was born, and make her as a wilderness, and set her like a dry land, and slay her with thirst.

2:4 And I will not have mercy upon her children; for they be the children of whoredoms.

2:5 For their mother hath played the harlot: she that conceived them hath done shamefully:

-At first I thought that Hosea was suddenly denouncing his LovePeddler wife ("she is not my wife", but after this person is done ripping on her, it says:

2:13 And I will visit upon her the days of Baalim, wherein she burned incense to them, and she decked herself with her earrings and her jewels, and she went after her lovers, and forgat me, saith the LORD.

-So God is pretending that Gomer is HIS LovePeddler wife and he's berating her for not being faithful to him? These later books are proof that the God of Abraham has lost his mind.



3:1 Then said the LORD unto me, Go yet, love a woman beloved of her friend, yet an adulteress, according to the love of the LORD toward the children of Israel, who look to other gods, and love flagons of wine.

-Hey Hosea, go cheat on your wife with a drunk chick who worships other gods. It's a party up in here.


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The Lord drones on about whores and how whorish everyone is and how the whores will go a whoring in their whorish ways.




When he's done verbally penetrating whores, he goes off on how the city of Ephraim (which I understand to be his other name for Israel... Genesis 48) is evil and he will kill their children and make women's wombs miscarry and dry up their breasts.



13:16 Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up.

-Enough of this. Someone has to stop God from killing. And I've got a secret weapon.


DROP THE ELBOW, MACHO MAN!!

We are now entering into what is called The Book of the Twelve, called such because these last 12 books were by minor prophets.
So I guess they were only "slightly in touch with God."




1:9 Now God had brought Daniel into favour and tender love with the prince of the eunuchs.

-Starting things off with a bromance.



Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah go before King Nebuchadnezzar and because God had just blessed them for maintaining their vegan status (1:15), the king considered them to be geniuses.

1:20 And in all matters of wisdom and understanding, that the king enquired of them, he found them ten times better than all the magicians and astrologers that were in all his realm.

-Even better than the magicians and astrologers, the dominant scientific fields of the time, which would explain the rich logic that runs through this book like a vein of ore runs through a mountain.

-And of course the modern day translations are fun to look at: "wonder workers, scribes, users of secret arts, diviners, wise men" or my favorite featured comment of the site...

"Magicians and astrologers - Probably the same as philosophers and astronomers among us." Yes, because magician and astrologer is basically synonymous with philosopher and astronomer. I'm going to start telling people that I majored in Magic for 2 years.



King Nebuchadnezzar has a bad dream, then calls all his magicians and astrologers to his bed and asked them to interpret the dream. And they say, "Sure, just tell us what your dream was." To which the king says, "No, because then you'll have time to figure out a fake interpretation. If you're really wise men, then YOU tell ME my dream and THEN interpret it." The magicians claims that no man on the planet could do that, so the king orders all the wise men in kingdom killed, including Daniel and his friends.

Daniel hears of this and goes to the king and says "I can do it, because God is on my side."

2:31 Thou, O king, sawest, and behold a great image. This great image, whose brightness was excellent, stood before thee; and the form thereof was terrible.

2:32 This image's head was of fine gold, his breast and his arms of silver, his belly and his thighs of brass,

2:33 His legs of iron, his feet part of iron and part of clay.

2:34 Thou sawest till that a stone was cut out without hands, which smote the image upon his feet that were of iron and clay, and brake them to pieces.

2:35 Then was the iron, the clay, the brass, the silver, and the gold, broken to pieces together, and became like the chaff of the summer threshingfloors; and the wind carried them away, that no place was found for them: and the stone that smote the image became a great mountain, and filled the whole earth.

2:36 This is the dream; and we will tell the interpretation thereof before the king.

-He saw a gold headed image, with silver chest and arms, brass belly and thighs, and iron legs, with feet part iron and part clay. A stone smashed the image, scattering the gold, silver, brass, and iron in the wind. The stone became a great mountain that filled the whole earth.

-And his interpretation is: The image's gold head is Nebuchadnezzar. He will be replaced by another kingdom (silver chest and arms), which will be replaced by a third kingdom (brass belly and thighs), and a fourth kingdom (iron legs). This last kingdom with be both stong and weak (feet of iron and clay). Then God will raise up one final kingdom, which will destoy the other kingdoms and last forever.



2:46 Then the king Nebuchadnezzar fell upon his face, and worshipped Daniel, and commanded that they should offer an oblation and sweet odours unto him.

2:48 Then the king made Daniel a great man, and gave him many great gifts, and made him ruler over the whole province of Babylon, and chief of the governors over all the wise men of Babylon.

-Daniel also put his 3 buddies in charge of the affairs of Babylon. All this because Daniel correctly guessed the dream. King Nebuchadnezzar isn't a person, he's a game show. And the prizes are amazing.



The king builds a huge statue out of gold and invites all the "princes, the governors, and the captains, the judges, the treasurers, the counsellors, the sheriffs, and all the rulers of the provinces, to come to the dedication of the image."

3:4 Then an herald cried aloud, To you it is commanded, O people, nations, and languages,

3:5 That at what time ye hear the sound of the cornet, flute, harp, sackbut, psaltery, dulcimer, and all kinds of musick, ye fall down and worship the golden image that Nebuchadnezzar the king hath set up:

3:6 And whoso falleth not down and worshippeth shall the same hour be cast into the midst of a burning fiery furnace.

-We have gathered here today to worship this statue the king made. Whoever wishes to not participate in the grovelling will be thrown into a fiery furnace. The choice is yours.



Someone notices that David's friends aren't grovelling to the statue, so they tell the king and the king accuses them and they say it's against their religion to worship other gods and idols. So the king demands that the fiery furnace be heated 7 times hotter than usual, then has guards throw the men into it. The fires are so hot that the guards die while throwing them in.

3:23 And these three men, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, fell down bound into the midst of the burning fiery furnace.

3:24 Then Nebuchadnezzar the king was astonished, and rose up in haste, and spake, and said unto his counsellors, Did not we cast three men bound into the midst of the fire? They answered and said unto the king, True, O king.

3:25 He answered and said, Lo, I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire, and they have no hurt; and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God.

-The 3 men aren't affected by the fire and the king sees a fourth person who "is like the Son of God" ...which is strange, since such a thing hasn't existed yet to reference.

-The king pulls them out and praises their god, and says:

3:28 Then Nebuchadnezzar spake, and said, Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, who hath sent his angel, and delivered his servants that trusted in him, and have changed the king's word, and yielded their bodies, that they might not serve nor worship any god, except their own God.

3:29 Therefore I make a decree, That every people, nation, and language, which speak any thing amiss against the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, shall be cut in pieces, and their houses shall be made a dunghill: because there is no other God that can deliver after this sort.

-From now on, whoever says something bad about this particular god will be cut into pieces, because no other gods can demonstrate their powers like this god can. Nebuchadnezzar has a pretty aggressive style. Pray to this statue or die, alright now pray to this god or die.



I could just post one pic... but I do love FIRE!




And my personal favorite:


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(PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT I CONSTANTLY IGNORE COPYRIGHT LOGOS! FOR I AM DOING THE WORK OF THE LORD)



Chapter 4 is supposedly written by Nebuchadnezzar himself and tells of another dream he has, something about a giant tree that gets chopped down and Daniel tells him it's a metaphor for what will become of the king.



Chapter 5 is about king Belshazzar, "Nebuchadnezzar's son" ...which is incorrect.

-Apparently, the author of Daniel knew of only two Babylonian kings during the period of the exile: Nebuchadnezzar and Belshazzar, who he wrongly thought was the son of Nebuchadnezzar. But Nebuchadnezzar died in 562 BCE and was succeeded by his son, Awil-Marduk (referred to in the bible as "Evilmerodach". (SAB)



5:5 In the same hour came forth fingers of a man's hand, and wrote over against the candlestick upon the plaister of the wall of the king's palace: and the king saw the part of the hand that wrote.

5:6 Then the king's countenance was changed, and his thoughts troubled him, so that the joints of his loins were loosed, and his knees smote one against another.

-Belshaz (his new nickname) sees a detached hand writing on the wall, so his knees start shaking and the "joints of his loins loosed?" His balls dropped?



5:8 Then came in all the king's wise men: but they could not read the writing, nor make known to the king the interpretation thereof.

-So the Queen tells Belshaz about a guy who helped "his father" with a similar problem. Daniel, The Master Interpreter, is brought in to help. Daniel says that the scribblings say that Belshaz's kingdom has been evaluated and found to be wanting, therefore the kingdom shall be divided and given away.

Daniel is proclaimed "third ruler of the kingdom" ...and then later that night, Belshaz is mysteriously killed.



The new king preferred Daniel above everyone else in his kingdom because Daniel was such a perfect guy. The other administrators tried to find something wrong with him, but they couldn't. So they came up with another plan: attack his religion. Have the king sign a decree saying that anyone who asked any god or man (other than the king) for anything in the next thirty days will be fed to the lions.

When Daniel heard about the new decree, he immediately broke it by going to his room to pray. The conspirators caught him in the act and told the king, who "cast Daniel into the lion den saying, "Don't worry. God will deliver you." (SAB)







The king checks on Daniel and the lions the next morning and BEHOLD!!! angels have closed the lion's mouths.

6:24 And the king commanded, and they brought those men which had accused Daniel, and they cast them into the den of lions, them, their children, and their wives; and the lions had the mastery of them, and brake all their bones in pieces or ever they came at the bottom of the den.

-So the king throws the entire family of the accusers into the lions den, where their bones were broken under the lion's teeth.







This time Daniel has a dream of a bunch of different frankenstein animals with random body parts, which I'm sure means something important. Daniel has a lot more visions and is visited by a babbling angel named Gabriel, none of which are very exciting.

1:1 Now it came to pass in the thirtieth year, in the fourth month, in the fifth day of the month, as I was among the captives by the river of Chebar, that the heavens were opened, and I saw visions of God.

-Thirtieth year of what, exactly? It's certainly not 30 AD (Ezekiel lived around 590 BC) and the Julian calendar won't be used until 45 BC... so what the hell is he talking about? But anyways, Ezekiel starts hallucinating.



1:4 And I looked, and, behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire infolding itself, and a brightness was about it, and out of the midst thereof as the colour of amber, out of the midst of the fire.

1:5 Also out of the midst thereof came the likeness of four living creatures. And this was their appearance; they had the likeness of a man.

1:6 And every one had four faces, and every one had four wings.

1:7 And their feet were straight feet; and the sole of their feet was like the sole of a calf's foot: and they sparkled like the colour of burnished brass.

1:8 And they had the hands of a man under their wings on their four sides; and they four had their faces and their wings.

1:9 Their wings were joined one to another; they turned not when they went; they went every one straight forward.

1:10 As for the likeness of their faces, they four had the face of a man, and the face of a lion, on the right side: and they four had the face of an ox on the left side; they four also had the face of an eagle.

1:11 Thus were their faces: and their wings were stretched upward; two wings of every one were joined one to another, and two covered their bodies.


-Ezekiel sees creatures that have 4 wings and 4 heads (a human, lion, ox, and eagle head)



1:27 And I saw as the colour of amber, as the appearance of fire round about within it, from the appearance of his loins even upward, and from the appearance of his loins even downward, I saw as it were the appearance of fire, and it had brightness round about.

1:28 As the appearance of the bow that is in the cloud in the day of rain, so was the appearance of the brightness round about. This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD. And when I saw it, I fell upon my face, and I heard a voice of one that spake.

-Ezekiel checks out God's package, sees that it is on fire, and declares it to be the holiest of packages.



2:1 And he said unto me, Son of man, stand upon thy feet, and I will speak unto thee.

-Yes, Lord? What message do you have for me that you make such a grand entrance from heaven? What pearl of wisdom do you want to share to better the lives of your creations?

2:3 And he said unto me, Son of man, I send thee to the children of Israel, to a rebellious nation that hath rebelled against me: they and their fathers have transgressed against me, even unto this very day.

-Dammit God! This again!? All you care about is punishing those who mock you. How about instead of showing yourself and your crazy 4 headed beasts to ME... you go to Israel and convince them yourself?



2:9 And when I looked, behold, an hand was sent unto me; and, lo, a roll of a book was therein;

3:1 Moreover he said unto me, Son of man, eat that thou findest; eat this roll, and go speak unto the house of Israel.

3:2 So I opened my mouth, and he caused me to eat that roll.

3:3 And he said unto me, Son of man, cause thy belly to eat, and fill thy bowels with this roll that I give thee.

-Here. Eat this scroll. It will fill your bowels like a mofo.



(Are those children clutching God's naked torso?)



3:7 But the house of Israel will not hearken unto thee; for they will not hearken unto me: for all the house of Israel are impudent and hardhearted.

-Sooooo, you already KNOW that the people of Israel won't listen to me? Why am going then?

God informs Zekey that if he doesn't go tell the people of Israel that they are evil, God will kill them all, including Zeke. If he tells them, they may all die, but Ezekiel will be spared.



4:1 Thou also, son of man, take thee a tile, and lay it before thee, and pourtray upon it the city, even Jerusalem:

4:2 And lay siege against it, and build a fort against it, and cast a mount against it; set the camp also against it, and set battering rams against it round about.

-But first, God makes Zeke build a model of a fort so that he can besiege it... which is a "sign that Israel will fall."



Then the Lord makes Zeke lie on his left side for 390 days to make up for "Israel's 390 years of iniquity" and then on his right side for 40 days for "Judah's 40 years of iniquity." Then he makes Zeke eat and drink a bunch of specific things in specific amounts to represent various things that other people committed against God.

-If you see God descending towards you from heaven, run. He's only looking to make you jump through hoops and deliver messages to far away lands.

4:12 And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight.

-Now eat these barley cakes made out of shit. Human shit. And I want you to do it in front of people.



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5:1 And thou, son of man, take thee a sharp knife, take thee a barber's razor, and cause it to pass upon thine head and upon thy beard: then take thee balances to weigh, and divide the hair.

5:2 Thou shalt burn with fire a third part in the midst of the city, when the days of the siege are fulfilled: and thou shalt take a third part, and smite about it with a knife: and a third part thou shalt scatter in the wind; and I will draw out a sword after them.

-Now shave off your hair and beard and divide the pile into 3 parts. Burn one pile of hair in the middle of the city. Attack another pile with a knife. And throw the rest into a gust of wind.

Why are you doing this to me, God? What have I ever done to you? Are you THAT bored?



5:12 A third part of thee shall die with the pestilence, and with famine shall they be consumed in the midst of thee: and a third part shall fall by the sword round about thee; and I will scatter a third part into all the winds, and I will draw out a sword after them.

-God tries to justify the hair thing with a clumsy explanation. "You see... I'll kill a third with a sword like you knifed your hair... and then pestilence is kinda... like fire... it spreads... and then... the wind. (shrug)"



6:3 And say, Ye mountains of Israel, hear the word of the Lord GOD; Thus saith the Lord GOD to the mountains, and to the hills, to the rivers, and to the valleys; Behold, I, even I, will bring a sword upon you, and I will destroy your high places.

6:4 And your altars shall be desolate, and your images shall be broken: and I will cast down your slain men before your idols.

6:5 And I will lay the dead carcases of the children of Israel before their idols; and I will scatter your bones round about your altars.

-God starts doing what he does best. Shouting threats to anyone who will hear him. He does turn it up a notch there at the end.



7:2 Also, thou son of man, thus saith the Lord GOD unto the land of Israel; An end, the end is come upon the four corners of the land.

-Zekey runs around going "Awww shit, the world is gonna end, son!" (Notice the "four corners" line as well) With God following behind him spouting his hate-speech:

7:17 All hands shall be feeble, and all knees shall be weak as water.

7:25 Destruction cometh; and they shall seek peace, and there shall be none.

8:18 Therefore will I also deal in fury: mine eye shall not spare, neither will I have pity: and though they cry in mine ears with a loud voice, yet will I not hear them.



God tells Ezekiel to go through the city of Jerusalem (I thought it was desolate and destroyed) and make a mark on anyone that cries out for an end to idol/other god worshiping. These are the only ones that will be saved from the massacre.

9:6 Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women: but come not near any man upon whom is the mark; and begin at my sanctuary. Then they began at the ancient men which were before the house.

And the genocide was carried out by a group of soldiers helping Zeke.



The 4 headed creatures appear before Ezekiel again and... things get weird.

10:10 And as for their appearances, they four had one likeness, as if a wheel had been in the midst of a wheel.

10:12 And their whole body, and their backs, and their hands, and their wings, and the wheels, were full of eyes round about, even the wheels that they four had.

10:13 As for the wheels, it was cried unto them in my hearing, O wheel.

-So the creatures are wheels made of wheels, which are covered in eyes, and God yells "O Wheel!" at the wheels. Riiiiiiiight.







The spirits pick up Ezekiel and take him to the next place, the "Lord's house" (huh?) where 25 men are hanging out, so God has Zeke preach to them, and one of them falls over dead. Then God vows to kill the other 24 eventually and the spirits pick of Ezekiel again and take him to Babylon. Wow. What?



13:2 Son of man, prophesy against the prophets of Israel that prophesy, and say thou unto them that prophesy out of their own hearts, Hear ye the word of the LORD;

-Ehhhh. You lost me at prophesy.



13:18 And say, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Woe to the women that sew pillows to all armholes, and make kerchiefs upon the head of every stature to hunt souls! Will ye hunt the souls of my people, and will ye save the souls alive that come unto you?

13:20 Wherefore thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I am against your pillows, wherewith ye there hunt the souls to make them fly, and I will tear them from your arms, and will let the souls go, even the souls that ye hunt to make them fly.

-God hates... armpit pillows? And soul hunters? What is happening to coherent sentences?



God doing his usual standup routine: blood and plague and slay and sword and fire and more blood and suffering "and you will know that I am the LORD."






16:3 And say, Thus saith the Lord GOD unto Jerusalem;

-God starts talking to Jerusalem as if it were a woman...

16:6 And when I passed by thee, and saw thee polluted in thine own blood, I said unto thee when thou wast in thy blood, Live; yea, I said unto thee when thou wast in thy blood, Live.

16:7 I have caused thee to multiply as the bud of the field, and thou hast increased and waxen great, and thou art come to excellent ornaments: thy breasts are fashioned, and thine hair is grown, whereas thou wast naked and bare.

16:8 Now when I passed by thee, and looked upon thee, behold, thy time was the time of love; and I spread my skirt over thee, and covered thy unclothedness: yea, I sware unto thee, and entered into a covenant with thee, saith the Lord GOD, and thou becamest mine.

-"So hey Jerusalem, I was walking by the other day and I was like whoa, you are COVERED in blood, but damn, nice breasts and hair. I think it's time for love, let me cover your unclothedness with my skirt."

-And he goes on saying he "cleaned and dressed you, and put fine jewelry on you, and took care of you" ...even though I seem to remember it was the Lord who caused the blood in the first place. Like spouse abuse, the Lord punches Jerusalem in the face, but then cleans her up later.




The Lord then explains to her that she DID ask for it:

16:15 But thou didst trust in thine own beauty, and playedst the harlot because of thy renown, and pouredst out thy fornications on every one that passed by; his it was.

16:16 And of thy garments thou didst take, and deckedst thy high places with divers colours, and playedst the harlot thereupon: the like things shall not come, neither shall it be so.

16:17 Thou hast also taken thy fair jewels of my gold and of my silver, which I had given thee, and madest to thyself images of men, and didst commit whoredom with them.

-If you didn't have sex with everyone that walked by and take my gifts for granted, I wouldn't have to hit you, baby.

-This is becoming one of my favorite chapters in the Bible.


16:22 And in all thine abominations and thy whoredoms thou hast not remembered the days of thy youth, when thou wast naked and bare, and wast polluted in thy blood.

16:26 Thou hast also committed fornication with the Egyptians thy neighbours, great of flesh; and hast increased thy whoredoms, to provoke me to anger.

-Remember your youthful days, Jerusalem, when you went and slept with the big-dicked Egyptians (great of flesh)? This is fantastic. God himself is describing his intimate moments with this LovePeddler of a city.


16:28 Thou hast played the LovePeddler also with the Assyrians, because thou wast unsatiable; yea, thou hast played the harlot with them, and yet couldest not be satisfied.

16:29 Thou hast moreover multiplied thy fornication in the land of Canaan unto Chaldea; and yet thou wast not satisfied therewith.

16:30 How weak is thine heart, saith the LORD GOD, seeing thou doest all these things, the work of an imperious whorish woman;

16:32 But as a wife that committeth adultery, which taketh strangers instead of her husband!

16:33 They give gifts to all whores: but thou givest thy gifts to all thy lovers, and hirest them, that they may come unto thee on every side for thy whoredom.

16:35 Wherefore, O harlot, hear the word of the LORD:

16:36 Thus saith the Lord GOD; Because thy filthiness was poured out, and thy unclothedness discovered through thy whoredoms with thy lovers, and with all the idols of thy abominations, and by the blood of thy children, which thou didst give unto them;

16:37 Behold, therefore I will gather all thy lovers, with whom thou hast taken pleasure, and all them that thou hast loved, with all them that thou hast hated; I will even gather them round about against thee, and will discover thy unclothedness unto them, that they may see all thy unclothedness.

16:38 And I will judge thee, as women that break wedlock and shed blood are judged; and I will give thee blood in fury and jealousy.

16:39 And I will also give thee into their hand, and they shall throw down thine eminent place, and shall break down thy high places: they shall strip thee also of thy clothes, and shall take thy fair jewels, and leave thee naked and bare.

16:40 They shall also bring up a company against thee, and they shall stone thee with stones, and thrust thee through with their swords.

-In case you didn't get all that, the LovePeddler Jerusalem had sex with Assyrians, Canaanites, Chaldeans, and complete strangers, but still was not satisfied. So she hired men to "come in unto her on every side. And because she is such a filthy harlot, God will expose her unclothedness before all of her lovers. After exposing her unclothedness, God will give her "blood in fury and jealousy" and strip her naked once more. Then he'll have her stoned "with stones and thrust through with swords."

That calls for a round of Pimpin' Jesus pics!



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20:49 Then said I, Ah Lord GOD! they say of me, Doth he not speak parables?

-Roughly translated, "Is he fucking crazy? (SAB)



God talks about how sharp and shiny his sword will be for the slaughter.



22:20 As they gather silver, and brass, and iron, and lead, and tin, into the midst of the furnace, to blow the fire upon it, to melt it; so will I gather you in mine anger and in my fury, and I will leave you there, and melt you.

22:21 Yea, I will gather you, and blow upon you in the fire of my wrath, and ye shall be melted in the midst therof.

-Is it just me, or does it seem like God is becoming more and more unhinged as the Bible progresses. I mean he's not even trying to separate the righteous from the wicked anymore (21:3)



ANOTHER STORY ABOUT WHORES

23:1 The word of the LORD came again unto me, saying,

23:2 Son of man, there were two women, the daughters of one mother:

23:3 And they committed whoredoms in Egypt; they committed whoredoms in their youth: there were their breasts pressed, and there they bruised the teats of their virginity.

-Dammit God, I'm trying to sleep. Stop showing up and talking about whores you once knew and their virgin teats.


23:5 And Aholah played the harlot when she was mine; and she doted on her lovers, on the Assyrians her neighbours,

23:7 Thus she committed her whoredoms with them, with all them that were the chosen men of Assyria, and with all on whom she doted: with all their idols she defiled herself.

23:8 Neither left she her whoredoms brought from Egypt: for in her youth they lay with her, and they bruised the breasts of her virginity, and poured their whoredom upon her.

23:10 These discovered her unclothedness: they took her sons and her daughters, and slew her with the sword: and she became famous among women; for they had executed judgment upon her.

23:11 And when her sister Aholibah saw this, she was more corrupt in her inordinate love than she, and in her whoredoms more than her sister in her whoredoms.

23:14 And that she increased her whoredoms: for when she saw men pourtrayed upon the wall, the images of the Chaldeans pourtrayed with vermilion,

23:28 For thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I will deliver thee into the hand of them whom thou hatest, into the hand of them from whom thy mind is alienated:

23:29 And they shall deal with thee hatefully, and shall take away all thy labour, and shall leave thee naked and bare: and the unclothedness of thy whoredoms shall be discovered, both thy lewdness and thy whoredoms.

23:30 I will do these things unto thee, because thou hast gone a whoring after the heathen, and because thou art polluted with their idols.

23:34 Thou shalt even drink it and suck it out, and thou shalt break the sherds thereof, and pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD.

23:47 And the company shall stone them with stones, and dispatch them with their swords; they shall slay their sons and their daughters, and burn up their houses with fire.

23:48 Thus will I cause lewdness to cease out of the land, that all women may be taught not to do after your lewdness.

-RECAP: Two sisters were guilty of "committing whoredoms" by pressing their breasts and bruising "the teats of their virginity." As a punishment, one sister's unclothedness was discovered, her children were taken from her, and she was killed by the sword. But the fate of the surviving sister was even worse. Her nose and ears were cut off, she was made to "pluck off" her own breasts, and then after being raped and mutilated, she is stoned to death. (SAB)


How am I just now discovering the book of Ezekial?



GOD COOKS HUMAN FLESH IN A POT


24:3 And utter a parable unto the rebellious house, and say unto them, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Set on a pot, set it on, and also pour water into it:

24:4 Gather the pieces thereof into it, even every good piece, the thigh, and the shoulder; fill it with the choice bones.

24:5 Take the choice of the flock, and burn also the bones under it, and make it boil well, and let them seethe the bones of it therein.

24:6 Wherefore thus saith the Lord GOD; Woe to the bloody city, to the pot whose scum is therein, and whose scum is not gone out of it! bring it out piece by piece; let no lot fall upon it.

24:10 Heap on wood, kindle the fire, consume the flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be burned.

24:11 Then set it empty upon the coals thereof, that the brass of it may be hot, and may burn, and that the filthiness of it may be molten in it, that the scum of it may be consumed.

-This is my longest review by far, but I can't skip over delightful stories like these!



God kills Ezekiel's wife and tells him not to mourn her, then tells all the Israelites that he's going to kill their children and they shouldn't mourn either. Then he threatens to "stretch out his hand" over Moab, Philistine, and Tyrus and destroy things so that everyone will know that he is the LORD.







RING RING

RING RING

-What?

Hey it's God again, so this one time I knew this other LovePeddler...

-Christ, man! Again?

29:7 When they took hold of thee by thy hand, thou didst break, and rend all their shoulder: and when they leaned upon thee, thou brakest, and madest all their loins to be at a stand.

29:8 Therefore thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I will bring a sword upon thee, and cut off man and beast out of thee.

-I don't even know what you're saying man! Loins are standing up and you're doing something with a sword?



Few more pages of God killing everyone and "pouring his fury" on random kingdoms (God is perpetually pissed). It's strange that the stuff I skip over and don't include isn't boring, unimportant stuff... but rather killing after killing that has become so commonplace that I feel it would be redundant to list them all.



Ezekiel shares his prophecies with the mountains at God's request, and then to a valley full of bones, which then become animated:

37:8 And when I beheld, lo, the sinews and the flesh came up upon them, and the skin covered them above: but there was no breath in them.

37:9 Then said he unto me, Prophesy unto the wind, prophesy, son of man, and say to the wind, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe upon these slain, that they may live.

37:10 So I prophesied as he commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived, and stood up upon their feet, an exceeding great army.

-YES. Ezekiel raises an army of undead skeletons to "walk the land of Israel" ...and then never mentions them again. This is beyond ridiculous. Like worse than Dungeons and Dragons.







Chapter 40-43 consist entirely of collections of measurements... taken by a "man who had the appearance of brass"... of an imaginary building.



The rest of the book is spent with God giving implicit instructions on animal sacrifices, how to do it, how to prepare it, how to sprinkle the blood, what the priests should be wearing when they do it, etc. I feel like I've stumbled onto a hidden treasure chest in the Bible. Congrats if you've read this whole thing. That was a lot of text, but damn did I enjoy it.

This book is 5 chapters LAMENTING (get it now?) the destruction of Jerusalem and Judah that took place in the Book of Jeremiah


1:8 Jerusalem hath grievously sinned; therefore she is removed: all that honoured her despise her, because they have seen her unclothedness: yea, she sigheth, and turneth backward.

1:9 Her filthiness is in her skirts;

1:10 The adversary hath spread out his hand upon all her pleasant things:

the LORD hath trodden the virgin, the daughter of Judah, as in a winepress.

Jerusalem is as a menstruous woman

-Basically God just rips on the cities the entire book. "Ohhhhh, did you see what I did to Judah? Jerusalem is a LovePeddler and I totally RAPED that bitch!"



2:20 Behold, O LORD, and consider to whom thou hast done this. Shall the women eat their fruit, and children of a span long? shall the priest and the prophet be slain in the sanctuary of the Lord?

2:21 The young and the old lie on the ground in the streets: my virgins and my young men are fallen by the sword; thou hast slain them in the day of thine anger; thou hast killed, and not pitied.

-I'm not sure who exactly is speaking to the Lord, though they say the author and speaker is Jeremiah... though that would mean he had a HUGE change of heart since last time we saw him. But he basically calls God out for a page or two, going, "We are defeated and humbled! You win, are you satisfied!"

To which God responds, "Shut up, noob gay."


NEXT BOOK

jesoul or manmustwac, could you please change my new testament thread to, an atheist reviews the bible. thx

1:5 Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.

-The motto of abortion protestors everywhere.



God talks to Jeremiah when he is just a child and says:

1:10 See, I have this day set thee over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out, and to pull down, and to destroy, and to throw down, to build, and to plant.

-Get em while they're young, God? And once again, God continues his 4000 year old game of toy soldiers, plotting his strategic takeover of several kingdoms.



God tells Jeremiah to go forth and tell the people living in Jerusalem that they are worthless and that God is the one who has given them all they have... while also referring to the women as "harlots" who act like "donkeys in heat."



-God continues to verbally abuse the people of Jerusalem through Jeremiah, calling them whores who don't deserve him-

"If a man put away his wife, and she go from him, and become another man's, shall he return unto her again? shall not that land be greatly polluted? but thou hast played the harlot with many lovers; yet return again to me, saith the LORD."

"and thou hast polluted the land with thy whoredoms"

"and thou hadst a LovePeddler's forehead, thou refusedst to be ashamed."

"and there hath played the harlot."

"yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the harlot also"

"And it came to pass through the lightness of her whoredom, that she defiled the land, and committed adultery with stones and with stocks."

-All this in the span of 9 verses. Seems someone is infatuated with whores.







Jeremiah tries to rally the people of Jerusalem to accept God once again and prepare for battle against evil, but it doesn't seem to work. He questions God's terrorist methods of recruitment:

5:3 O LORD, are not thine eyes upon the truth? thou hast stricken them, but they have not grieved; thou hast consumed them, but they have refused to receive correction: they have made their faces harder than a rock; they have refused to return.



5:11 For the house of Israel and the house of Judah have dealt very treacherously against me, saith the LORD.

5:12 They have belied the LORD, and said, It is not he; neither shall evil come upon us; neither shall we see sword nor famine:

5:13 And the prophets shall become wind, and the word is not in them: thus shall it be done unto them.

-Israel and Judah have discovered that God isn't real, and that regardless of whether they believe or not, nothing bad will happen to them.



So God decides to overthrow his "chosen people" and make them into slaves.

5:15 Lo, I will bring a nation upon you from far, O house of Israel, saith the LORD: it is a mighty nation, it is an ancient nation, a nation whose language thou knowest not, neither understandest what they say.

5:17 And they shall eat up thine harvest, and thy bread, which thy sons and thy daughters should eat: they shall eat up thy flocks and thine herds: they shall eat up thy vines and thy fig trees: they shall impoverish thy fenced cities, wherein thou trustedst, with the sword.

5:19 And it shall come to pass, when ye shall say, Wherefore doeth the LORD our God all these things unto us? then shalt thou answer them, Like as ye have forsaken me, and served strange gods in your land, so shall ye serve strangers in a land that is not your's.

-Even the most historically loyal followers of God feel his wrath. God demands attention like a 16 year old girl and doesn't like to be ignored.







5:23 But this people hath a revolting and a rebellious heart; they are revolted and gone.

5:24 Neither say they in their heart, Let us now fear the LORD our God, that giveth rain

-While God is standing on his pedestal, giving his monologue of terror, Jeremiah interrupts him and goes, "Uhhh, God? Everybody left already. And they don't seem to fear you either."



"Circumcise yourselves to the LORD, and take away the foreskins of your heart"

"behold, their ear is uncircumcised"

-I'm starting to wonder if we mistranslated the word "circumcise" at this point.



6:11 Therefore I am full of the fury of the LORD; I am weary with holding in: I will pour it out upon the children abroad, and upon the assembly of young men together: for even the husband with the wife shall be taken, the aged with him that is full of days.

6:12 And their houses shall be turned unto others, with their fields and wives together: for I will stretch out my hand upon the inhabitants of the land, saith the LORD.

-First, realize that this is the Lord talking. It's prefaced with "Thus sayeth the Lord of hosts" and ends with "saith the Lord." Now that we've established that the Lord himself is speaking, let's have a listen.

Therefore I am full of the fury of the LORD

God refers to himself in the third person... and as always, he's full of rage.

I am weary with holding in

The Lord is weary (he can become tired) of always holding back this boiling anger towards mankind.

I will pour it out upon the children abroad, and upon

So he decides to kill lots and lots of children, husbands, and elderly people simply to appease his rage. And then, just for fun, he'll give the houses of the dead to other people.







7:17 Seest thou not what they do in the cities of Judah and in the streets of Jerusalem?

7:18 The children gather wood, and the fathers kindle the fire, and the women knead their dough, to make cakes to the queen of heaven, and to pour out drink offerings unto other gods, that they may provoke me to anger.

-God (in an incredulous tone) goes, "Have you seen what they're doing in Judah and Jerusalem? Children gathering wood? Fathers making fires? Women making cakes for the queen of heaven? (?) Not on my watch!"



7:20 Therefore thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, mine anger and my fury shall be poured out upon this place, upon man, and upon beast, and upon the trees of the field, and upon the fruit of the ground; and it shall burn, and shall not be quenched.

7:21 Thus saith the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel; Put your burnt offerings unto your sacrifices, and eat flesh.

-Eat your own goddamned burnt offerings. I am sick of them, saith the Lord. (SAB)



8:17 For, behold, I will send serpents, cockatrices, among you, which will not be charmed, and they shall bite you, saith the LORD.

-Sigh.







9:4 Take ye heed every one of his neighbour, and trust ye not in any brother: for every brother will utterly supplant, and every neighbour will walk with slanders.

9:5 And they will deceive every one his neighbour, and will not speak the truth: they have taught their tongue to speak lies, and weary themselves to commit iniquity.

9:6 Thine habitation is in the midst of deceit; through deceit they refuse to know me, saith the LORD.

-Anyone who claims to not know me is deceitful and convinces himself with lies that I don't exist, therefore don't trust him because he lives his life through lies.



10:3 For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.

10:4 They deck it with silver and with gold...

-God hates Christmas trees



12:1 Righteous art thou, O LORD, when I plead with thee: yet let me talk with thee of thy judgments: Wherefore doth the way of the wicked prosper? wherefore are all they happy that deal very treacherously?

-There go those arrogant humans again with their logic. Can't you see that God is busy destroying Israel, the land of the faithful?



THE STORY OF THE GIRDLE

13:1 Thus saith the LORD unto me, Go and get thee a linen girdle, and put it upon thy loins, and put it not in water.

13:2 So I got a girdle according to the word of the LORD, and put it on my loins.

13:3 And the word of the LORD came unto me the second time, saying,

13:4 Take the girdle that thou hast got, which is upon thy loins, and arise, go to Euphrates, and hide it there in a hole of the rock.

13:5 So I went, and hid it by Euphrates, as the LORD commanded me.

13:6 And it came to pass after many days, that the LORD said unto me, Arise, go to Euphrates, and take the girdle from thence, which I commanded thee to hide there.

13:7 Then I went to Euphrates, and digged, and took the girdle from the place where I had hid it: and, behold, the girdle was marred, it was profitable for nothing.

-Go get a girdle and hide it in a rock near the Euphrates river. You see! The girdle is destroyed! The point of all this?

13:10 This evil people, which refuse to hear my words, which walk in the imagination of their heart, and walk after other gods, to serve them, and to worship them, shall even be as this girdle, which is good for nothing.

13:11 For as the girdle cleaveth to the loins of a man, so have I caused to cleave unto me the whole house of Israel and the whole house of Judah, saith the LORD;

-So that God can go: "Evil people will soon look like that tattered girdle, and I shall cleave them the way a girdle cleaves a man's balls.






Skipping through more redundant passes "I am the Lord, I will slaughter these people" ..."they snuffed up the wind like dragons" ...along with God still delightfully plotting his revenge on Jerusalem, "I'm going to sell these people, then send a famine to these people."

-God rambles on for chapters going "I'm gonna do it! Any day now, I'm gonna kill everyone and they won't be mourned or buried and they will be a 'dung on the earth.' I'm super serious. Hey Jeremiah, don't get married or have kids because I'm about to kill every woman and child. (16:1-7) For realz."



16:10 And it shall come to pass, when thou shalt shew this people all these words, and they shall say unto thee, Wherefore hath the LORD pronounced all this great evil against us? or what is our iniquity? or what is our sin that we have committed against the LORD our God?

16:11 Then shalt thou say unto them, Because your fathers have forsaken me, saith the LORD

-You know that whole bit about "not punishing people for the sins of their fathers" I mentioned a few books ago? Forget it. I'm specifically killing all you because of your fathers' actions.



THE STORY OF THE POTTER

18:1 The word which came to Jeremiah from the LORD, saying,

18:2 Arise, and go down to the potter's house, and there I will cause thee to hear my words.

18:3 Then I went down to the potter's house, and, behold, he wrought a work on the wheels.

18:4 And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it.

18:5 Then the word of the LORD came to me, saying,

18:6 O house of Israel, cannot I do with you as this potter? saith the LORD. Behold, as the clay is in the potter's hand, so are ye in mine hand, O house of Israel.

-God uses an analogy where He is the bad potter and Israel is the mistake. And like a potter, He will reshape the clay of Israel until he fixes his mistake. Of course, a potter doesn't make little clay children shapes, breathe life into them, give them the ability to feel pain, and then stomp on them and set them on fire.



God has Jeremiah smash a pot to emphasize what the potter will soon do to the pottery. They arrest Jeremiah and put him in the stocks. So God goes off on everyone, calling his priests and prophets wicked liars.

23:11 For both prophet and priest are profane; yea, in my house have I found their wickedness, saith the LORD. (And pretty much the rest of chapter 23)

...while continuing to threaten everyone without actually doing anything.



24:2 One basket had very good figs, even like the figs that are first ripe: and the other basket had very naughty figs, which could not be eaten, they were so bad.

-Yeah, tell those naughty figs how bad they've been. The Lord says that the figs are like the people, and he will save the good figs and destroy the evil figs. Seriously God, I get it. It's been 24 chapters of prophecy. Get to it already.



The king of Babylon attacks Jerusalem (finally) and before much fighting occurs, the Lord tells the people of Jerusalem to release all their slaves as a covenant with Babylon. So they do... and then promptly have the slaves caught and returned back into servitude. God gets pissed (not at slavery, but because they disobeyed him) and re-promises to do all those horrible things that he had been talking about this whole book.

-Jeremiah spends years in a Babylonian dungeon until Jerusalem is finally captured.



34:4 Yet hear the word of the LORD, O Zedekiah king of Judah; Thus saith the LORD of thee, Thou shalt not die by the sword:

34:5 But thou shalt die in peace: and with the burnings of thy fathers, the former kings which were before thee

-Lord to Zedekiah: I promise you shall die in peace

39:6 Then the king of Babylon slew the sons of Zedekiah in Riblah before his eyes: also the king of Babylon slew all the nobles of Judah.

39:7 Moreover he put out Zedekiah's eyes, and bound him with chains, to carry him to Babylon, and put him in prison till the day of his death (52:11).

-Lord to Zedekiah: But that doesn't mean we can't kill your sons in front of you, stab out your eyes, and drag you off to Babylonian dungeons until you die! Gotcha! Always read the fine print, buddy!



Jeremiah continues his job as God's messenger of destruction, going kingdom to kingdom, using Jerusalem as proof that he means business. The Lord also stops by Judah and says, "I'm not finished with you, Judah. Your women have learned nothing and are still whores and burn incense to the wrong gods. I'll be back."







47:6 O thou sword of the LORD, how long will it be ere thou be quiet? put up thyself into thy scabbard, rest, and be still.

-Good question. When are you gonna stop this killing, Lord? Can you put your sword down for a few damn years?



48:10 Cursed be he that doeth the work of the LORD deceitfully, and cursed be he that keepeth back his sword from blood.

-Ah, so cursed be those televangelists and those that use religion for their own use... and cursed be the WHAT THE Bleep? Cursed be the pacifists? If you don't want to kill, stay out of God's army because he's in it for the blood.

-Admittedly, this is in reference to the coming destruction of Moab that the Lord is plotting, but does that really make it better? Even if he was wiping out the Nazis, should those who don't want to kill another human being be cursed?



The Lord then spends a page per kingdom describing how he's going to destroy and curse and plague it, including the Ammonites, the Babylonians, and Chaldeans.

51:20 Thou art my battle axe and weapons of war: for with thee will I break in pieces the nations, and with thee will I destroy kingdoms;

-Kind of seems like God has finally lost it and is just destroying with abandon now.


As usual, God is all talk and doesn't follow up on his threats. And isn't it strange that God has been fighting the same people this entire time? For an all-powerful being who desires nothing more than the destruction of kingdoms and the seizure of their lands... he seems to be hung up on these Moabites, Babylonians, Ammonites, Amalekites, and Philistines. You would think the entire Middle East would be one big country called Godville at this point.

The Song of Solomon (or Song of Songs, or Song of Songs of Solomon, depending on how Jewish you want to delve) is supposedly written by Solomon (though again, it was written hundreds of years after he was already dead), and is quite disturbing. It's a sort of love poem to a woman, but it's only 8 chapters long and mentions her breasts about once a chapter, as well as some other nonsensical poetry.



1:5 I am black, but comely, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, as the tents of Kedar, as the curtains of Solomon.

1:6 Look not upon me, because I am black, because the sun hath looked upon me: my mother's children were angry with me; they made me the keeper of the vineyards; but mine own vineyard have I not kept.

-I'm sure they're using the term "black" to mean actually black and not negro, but still this passage struck me as strange.



4:1 Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead.

4:2 Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them.

4:3 Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy speech is comely: thy temples are like a piece of a pomegranate within thy locks.

4:4 Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men.

-What women wouldn't want to hear that she looks like goats, sheep, and a tower?



5:4 My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.

-I.... I got nothing.



7:1 How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince's daughter! the joints of thy thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman.

7:2 Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor: thy belly is like an heap of wheat set about with lilies.

7:3 Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins.

7:4 Thy neck is as a tower of ivory; thine eyes like the fishpools in Heshbon, by the gate of Bathrabbim: thy nose is as the tower of Lebanon which looketh toward Damascus.







7:7 This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.

7:8 I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples;

-Like any man trying to write poetry, his mind keeps drifting back to the moon balloons.



8:1 O that thou wert as my brother, that sucked the breasts of my mother! when I should find thee without, I would kiss thee; yea, I should not be despised.

8:2 I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate.

-Wait... if you were my brother sucking my mom's nips, I wouldn't mind? "Juice of my pomegranate?" What the hell is going on with this book?



8:8 We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for?

8:10 I am a wall, and my breasts like towers: then was I in his eyes as one that found favour.

-My sister's chesticles are small compared to my massive towers.


Short, confusing, and a little perverted. Perfect book to be included in the word of the Lord.

Short one, let's knock it out like I knocked out my child in Proverbs.






1:5 The sun also ariseth, and the sun goeth down, and hasteth to his place where he arose.

-(SAB) "Although this verse is interpreted figuratively today, it was taken literally by virtually all Christians until the Copernican revolution, and was used by the Church to condemn Galileo for teaching the heliocentric heresy."



1:6 The wind goeth toward the south, and turneth about unto the north; it whirleth about continually, and the wind returneth again according to his circuits.

1:7 All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full; unto the place from whence the rivers come, thither they return again.

-Tide goes in, tide goes out. Never a miscommunication.



The author (supposedly Solomon) goes on a "sad but true" rant about how all that we accomplish on earth is meaningless and vain.

2:17 Therefore I hated life; because the work that is wrought under the sun is grievous unto me: for all is vanity and vexation of spirit.

2:18 Yea, I hated all my labour which I had taken under the sun: because I should leave it unto the man that shall be after me.

2:19 And who knoweth whether he shall be a wise man or a fool? yet shall he have rule over all my labour wherein I have laboured, and wherein I have shewed myself wise under the sun. This is also vanity.



3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

3:2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3:3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

3:4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

...

-Turn turn turn.



3:12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.

3:13 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.

-Eat, drink, and be merry. The motto of life.


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5:15 As he came forth of his mother's womb, naked shall he return to go as he came, and shall take nothing of his labour, which he may carry away in his hand.

5:18 Behold that which I have seen: it is good and comely for one to eat and to drink, and to enjoy the good of all his labour that he taketh under the sun all the days of his life, which God giveth him: for it is his portion.


-Still going on about how everything we have and do is meaningless, so just enjoy life.



7:3 Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.

7:4 The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.

-Starting to veer into emo-speech now. Ah man, it's better to feel pain because that's the only true way to grow.



7:15 All things have I seen in the days of my vanity: there is a just man that perisheth in his righteousness, and there is a wicked man that prolongeth his life in his wickedness.

-Why do bad things happen to good people?



8:15 Then I commended mirth, because a man hath no better thing under the sun, than to eat, and to drink, and to be merry: for that shall abide with him of his labour the days of his life, which God giveth him under the sun.

-A paragraph of ideas stretched out into 11 chapters. What we do in life is "vain" and we should enjoy the time we are given here on earth. There's also a lot of "what's the point? We'll never understand the workings of the world, so why try?" utterances.



9:5 For the living know that they shall die: but the dead know not any thing, neither have they any more a reward; for the memory of them is forgotten.

9:6 Also their love, and their hatred, and their envy, is now perished; neither have they any more a portion for ever in any thing that is done under the sun.

9:7 Go thy way, eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart;


-It's pretty much obvious that the OT authors didn't believe in an afterlife. Oh, and also... eat, drink, and be merry. In case you had forgotten.






9:10 Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might;for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest.

-Whatever your chosen path in life, do it with all your heart.



9:11 I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.

9:12 For man also knoweth not his time: as the fishes that are taken in an evil net, and as the birds that are caught in the snare; so are the sons of men snared in an evil time, when it falleth suddenly upon them.

-How did this book make it into the Bible? This is far too observant and rational to be placed with these other books. Time and chance? I thought those concepts were scoffed at by evolution-hating theists?



11:8 But if a man live many years, and rejoice in them all; yet let him remember the days of darkness; for they shall be many. All that cometh is vanity.

11:9 Rejoice, O young man, in thy youth; and let thy heart cheer thee in the days of thy youth, and walk in the ways of thine heart, and in the sight of thine eyes: but know thou, that for all these things God will bring thee into judgment.

11:10 Therefore remove sorrow from thy heart, and put away evil from thy flesh: for childhood and youth are vanity.



Well, apart from the Emo vibe and the constant reminders to eat, drink, and be merry, this was the FIRST book in the Bible that wasn't ridiculous.


Congrats, Ecclesiastes. You are the very first book to receive my:





...wait, no that's the seal for my "other" forum.

Here you go!

1:1 The proverbs of Solomon the son of David, king of Israel;

-Right off the bat, you're lying to me. (SAB) "The book of Proverbs was written several centuries after Solomon supposedly lived. So it wasn't written by Solomon. It was forged by someone who claimed to be Solomon."



-Proverbs is referred to as Wisdom Literature, since it is the wise teachings of Solomon (even though he's apparently already dead), and remember; Solomon was the wisest man in all the land-




1:10 My son, if sinners entice thee, consent thou not.

1:11 If they say, Come with us, let us lay wait for blood, let us lurk privily for the innocent without cause:

-Because that's what sinners say, right? "Come on, let's go ambush someone just to see them bleed. And then let's go wreak havoc on the innocent for absolutely no reason! It will be a fun afternoon."



1:26 I also will laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your fear cometh;

1:27 When your fear cometh as desolation, and your destruction cometh as a whirlwind; when distress and anguish cometh upon you.

1:28 Then shall they call upon me, but I will not answer; they shall seek me early, but they shall not find me:

-God is more interested in mocking your pitiful cries than forgiving you. You shall call upon me, but I won't answer? Isn't that the opposite of what Christianity teaches? That it's never too late to ask for forgiveness?



3:5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

-Ah, the cornerstone of Christianity. Just trust in the Lord and stop trying to figure things out. I realize that the Bible says giants, dragons, witches, and unicorns... but don't try to understand all that, just TRUST me.



To be fair, there are smatterings of ACTUAL wise teachings that I've been skipping over. Here are some of the good ones.

1:8 My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother:

2:2 So that thou incline thine ear unto wisdom, and apply thine heart to understanding;

2:10 When wisdom entereth into thine heart, and knowledge is pleasant unto thy soul;
2:11 Discretion shall preserve thee, understanding shall keep thee:

3:13 Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding.

-The strange thing is, just after all this praising of wisdom and understanding, it uses the verse listed above about NOT trying to understand. Either way, Christians certainly aren't the intellectual standard bearers of our society.



3:35 The wise shall inherit glory: but shame shall be the promotion of fools.

-More promoting of wisdom and dismissing of fools. I think I'm going to start quoting these when theists try to use Creationist arguments. I'll prove the age of the earth with astronomy, and then use the verse above and go "Proverbs 3:35" all smugly just to piss them off on several levels.





4:5 Get wisdom, get understanding: forget it not;

4:7 Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.

-Ok, at this point you're just being redundant. It's not a "wise teaching from the wisest man on earth" if it's just chapter after chapter of "you should strive to be wise... cause wisdom is good... so get wisdom... and keep it... oh, and also, understanding... you should get that too."



5:18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.

5:19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.

-Wiser words were never spoken. I'm starting to embrace the wisdom now. If you'll excuse me, I have some ravishing and some breasts waiting to satisfy me.

-Back. No luck. She has a headache (I don't actually have a wife... but the random stranger who I tried to ravish claimed to have a headache).



9:10 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: and the knowledge of the holy is understanding.

-Oh NOW I see. The theist version of wisdom and understanding is completely different than mine. Here I am trying to understand the ways of the world and expand my mind to the different ideologies and concepts, even learning a new language or two, when really to be wise I just had to fearfully subjugate myself to the Lord. No wonder they're praising "wisdom" every other verse.





(In reference to giving in to whorish women)

9:17 Stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.

9:18 But he knoweth not that the dead are there; and that her guests are in the depths of hell.

-That was damn near Shakespearean. Love of wisdom, hatred of women, and a love of titties. Keep it up Proverbs, I'm becoming a fan.



10:13 In the lips of him that hath understanding wisdom is found: but a rod is for the back of him that is void of understanding.

-Seriously. I get it. Wisdom good. Understanding good. Can we move it along please?



10:18 He that hideth hatred with lying lips, and he that uttereth a slander, is a fool.





11:12 He that is void of wisdom despiseth his neighbour: but a man of understanding holdeth his peace.



12:4 A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.

- Nice



Interspersed with all this wisdom and understanding... are just descriptions of the righteous and the wicked. Along the lines of "the righteous will inherit this; the wicked won't inherit anything. The righteous only desire to do right; the wicked only do evil. The righteous will live long prosperous lives, while the wicked man shall starve."




13:20 He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.

-Well come on now. Some of my best friends are morons, but that doesn't mean I should stop talking to them. I'm sorry dude, you're just not wise enough to be my friend.



13:24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.

-There's a bunch of verses in the Bible that sound like the "spare the rod, spoil the child" line but none of them actually say that. Same message and all. Though I'm not sure that "not beating your son" equates to hating him.

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14:8 The wisdom of the prudent is to understand his way: but the folly of fools is deceit.



15:2 The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.

-Truly words of incredible insight. Fools... speak foolishness. Deep.



15:7 The lips of the wise disperse knowledge: but the heart of the foolish doeth not so.

-The wise are wise, the foolish are fools. THIS TRULY IS THE WORK OF GENIUSES!



15:14 The heart of him that hath understanding seeketh knowledge: but the mouth of fools feedeth on foolishness.

-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH



16:4 The LORD hath made all things for himself: yea, even the wicked for the day of evil.

-God made wicked people so he could punish them.



16:16 How much better is it to get wisdom than gold! and to get understanding rather to be chosen than silver!

-That's it! From now on, I'm putting all the rehashed wisdom/understanding lines here:

17:24 Wisdom is before him that hath understanding; but the eyes of a fool are in the ends of the earth.
17:27 He that hath knowledge spareth his words: and a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit.
18:2 A fool hath no delight in understanding
19:8 He that getteth wisdom loveth his own soul: he that keepeth understanding shall find good.
23:23 Buy the truth, and sell it not; also wisdom, and instruction, and understanding.
...I gave up posting them all when I realized I might as well quote the whole book.



16:18 Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.

-Has been twisted around to make a sexier sounding expression to be used as lines in movies about demons and priests and Al Pacino.





19:18 Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.

-Beat your child and don't stop just because he's crying.



20:2 The fear of a king is as the roaring of a lion: whoso provoketh him to anger sinneth against his own soul.

-It's a sin to anger your king. So stop criticizing Obama... it's a sin.




(What the hell is with these pics, you ask? It's my thread, I can post whatever I want. But seriously, I've just been spending too much time at www.bertisevil.tv.)



20:24 Man's goings are of the LORD; how can a man then understand his own way?

-So wait. Now you're telling me that we CAN'T understand our ways, though we would clearly be wise to do so.



20:27 The spirit of man is the candle of the LORD, searching all the inward parts of the belly.

20:30 The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly.

-Ummmmm. What?



21:9 It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.

-True that.

21:19 It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.

-And again.



22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

-Finally. The first wise thing this "book of wisdom" has presented so far.



22:15 Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.

-Christ! I already beat my kid to save his soul and because I love him, now I'm beating him to make him smarter?

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23:13 Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.

23:14 Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.


-I said beat that little bastard! Don't worry, he's not going to die from it.
(There's a lot of seriously disturbed "beaten children" pics that I could post, but I'm here to analyze and inform, not make you vomit)



23:27 For a LovePeddler is a deep ditch; and a strange woman is a narrow pit.

23:28 She also lieth in wait as for a prey, and increaseth the transgressors among men.

-Those damn whores with their deep ditches, deceiving us otherwise righteous men into damnation.



24:17 Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth:

-Alright Proverbs. That's two. I'll chalk you up for saying two worthwhile things at this point.



27:15 A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.

-I don't know what you mean... but I'm assuming it's more hate-speech towards women.





28:9 He that turneth away his ear from hearing the law, even his prayer shall be abomination.

-Assuming the "law" is the commandments of Moses or God's law. So even if you live a good life and pray to God, he will ignore you for not doing as He commands.



28:21 To have respect of persons is not good: for for a piece of bread that man will transgress.

-I'm having fun googling these verses just to see how massively they've been altered to seem more friendly.

"Showing partiality is never good, yet some will do wrong for a mere piece of bread."

"It is not good to have respect for a man's position: for a man will do wrong for a bit of bread."



29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.



-There. I beat my child unconscious. Is she wise yet? Because she appears to have brain damage.



30:17 The eye that mocketh at his father, and despiseth to obey his mother, the ravens of the valley shall pick it out, and the young eagles shall eat it.

-So now birds are going to eat out the eyes of my child.



31:3 Give not thy strength unto women, nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings.

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So I'm assuming this is called wisdom literature because it mentions the word "wisdom" EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE. Not because it offers us anything wise. The wise are full of wisdom and the righteous do that which is right. Conversely, the foolish do foolish things and the wicked will die horribly and alone because they are wicked. Let us all reflect on the divinely inspired, thought provoking, Mensa manual that is "The Book of Proverbs." Truly it will take years of contemplation and volumes full of calculations scribbled by scholars to comprehend this complex ingenuity of morals.

Fu,.ck that sh,.it. Psalms is 150 chapters long.



Alright fine. But since this isn't "the word of God" but rather a collection of poems for God, I'm gonna skim it for the gems.



6:5 For in death there is no remembrance of thee: in the grave who shall give thee thanks?

-Another OT shout out to the lack of an afterlife. We should praise the Lord as much as we can in life, because we can't praise if we're dead.



-20 chapters praising God's ability to fly around burning unbelievers with his wraith and blowing angry winds with his nostrils-



23:1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

23:2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

23:3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

23:5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

23:6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

-I addressed this in another post. The shepherd does not tend his sheep because he loves them and wants only good things for them. He tends them so that they are ready for the slaughter. But I guess a poem likes this:

"The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He feedeth me and giveth me water until I am fat and meaty.
He leadeth me up with a loving touch into a slaughterhouse.
I follow willingly, for I shall not question.
He choppeth off my head, cut me into pieces, and feasteth on my flesh.
He weareth mine flesh as a new shirt."

wouldn't be met with the same adoration.




(This is the greatest drawing of a sheep EVER)



-More run of the mill cultist fervor. Claiming of all the horrible ways God can disperse with the wicked. Religious people patting themselves on the back for having such a great and wise ruler-



37:11 But the meek shall inherit the earth;

-I'm confused. I know that Psalms is supposedly written by a plethora of authors, including those that wrote the NT... but is this a quote from Jesus or did Jesus use this in his speech? I'm only baffled because I'm constantly getting told by Old Testament dismissing Christians that the things Jesus said were groundbreaking and there was never a more insightful man. But if he's just rehashing the verses from the OT, then he's nothing special.



37:29 The righteous shall inherit the land, and dwell therein for ever.

-I thought the meek would inherit the earth? I smell a religious war coming, between the righteous and the meek. Something tells me the righteous will prevail.



53:1 The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God. Corrupt are they, and have done abominable iniquity: there is none that doeth good.

53:2 God looked down from heaven upon the children of men, to see if there were any that did understand, that did seek God.

53:3 Every one of them is gone back: they are altogether become filthy; there is none that doeth good, no, not one.

53:4 Have the workers of iniquity no knowledge? who eat up my people as they eat bread: they have not called upon God.

-A wonderful poem about atheists. We are fools who do no good. Not a single good thing. And am I reading that last line correct? We eat religious people? Is this the origin of the baby sandwich?



Lots of disturbing passages about showing no mercy to the heathens and the righteous celebrating the vengeance of God by washing their feet in the blood of the wicked.

-Let's stop pretending that this is some sort of moral building, family value enriching social club. It's an animal sacrificing, bloodthirsty cult who delights in the demise of others.



68:17 The chariots of God are twenty thousand, even thousands of angels: the Lord is among them

-It's a good thing the Lord uses such outdated weaponry. And only a few thousand? I think we could take him.



74:12 For God is my King of old, working salvation in the midst of the earth.

74:13 Thou didst divide the sea by thy strength: thou brakest the heads of the dragons in the waters.

74:14 Thou brakest the heads of leviathan in pieces, and gavest him to be meat to the people inhabiting the wilderness.





74:17 Thou hast set all the borders of the earth

75:3 The earth and all the inhabitants thereof are dissolved: I bear up the pillars of it

...the world also is stablished, that it cannot be moved

...all the foundations of the earth are out of course.

- Ah, the earth, with all its borders and pillars. A great day for theist scientists everywhere.



79:5 How long, LORD? wilt thou be angry for ever? shall thy jealousy burn like fire?

79:6 Pour out thy wrath upon the heathen that have not known thee, and upon the kingdoms that have not called upon thy name.

-Why don't you cool it every once in a while, Lord? Maybe go punish someone else, you know, maybe the ones who actually deserve your anger?



Christ, I'm only on chapter 84!



92:10 But my horn shalt thou exalt like the horn of an unicorn

-The Bible has mentioned unicorns about 20 times now. You gotta think, if it REALLY was referring to animals with one horns, like a rhinoceros, WHY are they constantly praising and comparing godly things to it? Did they really hold the rhinoceros on such a high pedestal?



104:2 Who coverest thyself with light as with a garment: who stretchest out the heavens like a curtain:

-(From AnnoSkept) Galileo cited this verse in his "Letter to the Grand Duchess Christina" saying, "Astronomers seem to declare what is contrary to Scripture, for they hold the heavens to be spherical, while the Scripture calls it 'stretched out like a curtain.'" He argued, following Augustine, that the Church should avoid interpreting such passages in a way that might later conflict with scientific understanding. Unfortunately, the Church did not take his advice.



117:1 O praise the LORD, all ye nations: praise him, all ye people.

117:2 For his merciful kindness is great toward us: and the truth of the LORD endureth for ever. Praise ye the LORD.

- ...that's it. That's the whole chapter. Apparently whoever was given 117 as a homework assignment didn't take it too seriously and made it up 5 minutes before handing it in.



This is the world we live in
And these are the hands we're given
Use them and let's start trying
To make it a place worth living in

-Wait. Those are Phil Collins lyrics. Sorry, it's late and I'm 136 chapters deep. Although... those are better moral teachings than anything I've seen so far in the Bible.

All praise be to Phil Collins!





137:9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.

-This verse... I've tried to use it in context with the rest of the chapter, I've tried to consider it as a metaphor, or look for a possible mistranslation. I got nothing. Dash your babies against the stones... and you'll be happy.

-Alright I had to know, so I googled it. And the most common rebuttal is that this quote is "taken out of context" Alright, here's the verse before it:

137:8 O daughter of Babylon, who art to be destroyed; happy shall he be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us.


Quote from a preacher:

"The scriptures are talking of Babylon the city of evil spoken of in Revelation and as for the scripture of the little ones, many scholars believe and i agree... it is speaking of the women of "babylon" having abortions"

-Apparently it's just payback to the "evil city of Babylon" by smashing their babies against the rocks. But does that make anyone happy?

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And I'm the immoral one?



147:4 He telleth the number of the stars; he calleth them all by their names.

-Wow. Considering the trillion billion gabazillion stars, hopefully he just calls them Star 1, Star 2, etc or he's in trouble.



148:7 Praise the LORD from the earth, ye dragons, and all deeps:





This whole chapter has just been a giant death wish for all heathens. Please, Lord, burn this person and break this person's teeth from their head and mercilessly smite this person, while we faithful dance and wash ourselves in their blood.

So there's this man, "whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil."



1:6 Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan came also among them.

-I googled "sons of God" to see a theist explanation real quick, and apparently they are taking it as another term for "angels." Though as to why Satan was allowed to be among them in the presence of this "all-knowing" God is beyond me. And Satan still hasn't actually be explained for being such a big part of this religion. Since Hell isn't even invented until the New Testament, Old Testament Satan is just another angel. And if you compare him to God, the winner of the Biggest Evil Dickhead ® contest has been clear since Exodus. Satan is simply an extension of God, who God created to take the blame for the things God has been doing. "Don't look at me! It was Satan's fault!"



1:7 And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it.

-Well. there goes the whole "the snake was Satan" theory. God (the all knowing) didn't know where Satan was, and Satan is like "Eh, just wandering around Earth, messing with people, chillin." So clearly the "snake who was forced to crawl in the dirt for tempting Eve" wasn't this angel who is free to roam around as he pleases.



(Satan apparently hit the gym HARD after he was exiled. If God didn't want us to be followers of Satan, then why did he make him so badass looking?)


1:8 And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil?

-God nudges Satan and goes "Have you seen my latest protege? Completely obedient."



And Satan goes, "Meh, he only worships you because you bless him with stuff." And God (completely falling into Satan's psychological trap) goes "Nuh uh, I'll prove it to you."

-So God grants Satan his powers to go kill off all Job's thousands of livestock and servants.



1:18 While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, Thy sons and thy daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house:

1:19 And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee.

-And then kills all his children by caving their house in on them. At this point, it would be righteous of Job to DENOUNCE God, who killed all his children for a fun game. But no...



1:21 And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.

-You grovelling little bitch. Your children were just executed by this tyrant and you're blessing his name?



And God's like, "see, told you he'd still worship me." And Satan goes, "that was nothing, I bet if you cursed his flesh, he'd turn on you."

So God gives Satan his powers again and goes "do whatever, just don't kill him."

2:7 So went Satan forth from the presence of the LORD, and smote Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown.



2:9 Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die.

2:10 But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?

-Job's wife (the only one in this story so far with any brains) goes, "What are you a coward, bitch? If you had any integrity, you would curse this homicidal dick and die for a good cause." To which Job replied, "Shut up, stupid woman. We have been blessed by God so it's His right to take it away."

Which is like saying that since your boss gave you a raise, he has every right to sleep with your wife.



Job goes on a 4 chapter rant, cursing the day he was born and getting all Shakespearean/gothic about life.

6:7 The things that my soul refused to touch are as my sorrowful meat.

6:8 Oh that I might have my request; and that God would grant me the thing that I long for!

6:9 Even that it would please God to destroy me; that he would let loose his hand, and cut me off!


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7:7 O remember that my life is wind: mine eye shall no more see good.

7:8 The eye of him that hath seen me shall see me no more: thine eyes are upon me, and I am not.

7:9 As the cloud is consumed and vanisheth away: so he that goeth down to the grave shall come up no more.

-Job kinda confessing that there is no afterlife. "Game Over man! Game over!" Until one of Job's friends grabs him and goes "Get a hold of yourself, man!" ...which, in Biblical-speak sounds like:

8:20 "Behold, God will not cast away a perfect man, neither will he help the evil doers"



9:6 Which shaketh the earth out of her place, and the pillars thereof tremble.

9:7 Which commandeth the sun, and it riseth not; and sealeth up the stars.

-Some serious scientific facepalms going on there.



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9:17 For he breaketh me with a tempest, and multiplieth my wounds without cause.

9:18 He will not suffer me to take my breath, but filleth me with bitterness.

9:19 If I speak of strength, lo, he is strong: and if of judgment, who shall set me a time to plead?

9:23 If the scourge slay suddenly, he will laugh at the trial of the innocent.

9:24 The earth is given into the hand of the wicked: he covereth the faces of the judges thereof; if not, where, and who is he?

-Job still stumbling around cursing God's name.



10:3 Is it good unto thee that thou shouldest oppress, that thou shouldest despise the work of thine hands, and shine upon the counsel of the wicked?

-Job spitting some truth at God's ass



10:4 Hast thou eyes of flesh? or seest thou as man seeth?

10:5 Are thy days as the days of man? are thy years as man's days,

10:6 That thou enquirest after mine iniquity, and searchest after my sin?

10:7 Thou knowest that I am not wicked; and there is none that can deliver out of thine hand.

10:8 Thine hands have made me and fashioned me together round about; yet thou dost destroy me.

10:9 Remember, I beseech thee, that thou hast made me as the clay; and wilt thou bring me into dust again?

10:10 Hast thou not poured me out as milk, and curdled me like cheese?

10:11 Thou hast clothed me with skin and flesh, and hast fenced me with bones and sinews.

10:12 Thou hast granted me life and favour, and thy visitation hath preserved my spirit.

10:13 And these things hast thou hid in thine heart: I know that this is with thee.

10:14 If I sin, then thou markest me, and thou wilt not acquit me from mine iniquity.

10:15 If I be wicked, woe unto me; and if I be righteous, yet will I not lift up my head. I am full of confusion; therefore see thou mine affliction;

-I know that's a lot of scripture, but I love this part. Job questions the nature of God and wonders aloud the same things that confused free thinkers still wonder today. "Did you make me just to destroy me? Why bless me with life just to take it away? I am confused, have I sinned?" It's beautiful poetry.

I AM FORSAKEN!



Job's friends try to argue on God's behalf and Job says:

13:7 Will ye speak wickedly for God? and talk deceitfully for him?

13:8 Will ye accept his person? will ye contend for God?

-Stop lying for God. Recognize him for who he really is.





14:5 Seeing his days are determined, the number of his months are with thee, thou hast appointed his bounds that he cannot pass;

-Job, apparently a philosopher at heart, talks about newborn babies and how their days are already numbered by God. Their fate is not their own to decide.



Then after pointing out that trees die, but can be reborn through their seeds in the ground, he contemplates human death. I'm starting to love this guy.

14:10 But man dieth, and wasteth away: yea, man giveth up the ghost, and where is he?

14:12 So man lieth down, and riseth not: till the heavens be no more, they shall not awake, nor be raised out of their sleep.

14:13 O that thou wouldest hide me in the grave, that thou wouldest keep me secret, until thy wrath be past, that thou wouldest appoint me a set time, and remember me!

14:14 If a man die, shall he live again?

(Stands and start the "slow clap"



Job's 3rd friend tries his luck at comforting Job and says:

15:5 For thy mouth uttereth thine iniquity, and thou choosest the tongue of the crafty.

15:6 Thine own mouth condemneth thee, and not I: yea, thine own lips testify against thee.

-What a choad. You can't censor truth, asshat!



16:1 Then Job answered and said,

16:2 I have heard many such things: miserable comforters are ye all.

16:3 Shall vain words have an end? or what emboldeneth thee that thou answerest?

16:4 I also could speak as ye do: if your soul were in my soul's stead, I could heap up words against you, and shake mine head at you.

-Job. Telling it. Like he sees it.

-I take back my previous judgments. Job would have been welcomed to this forum with open arms for questioning God and stating the obvious flaws in God's work.


(Job's friends try to comfort him again and again he lays down the Rolling Thunder of Awesomeness)

19:7 Behold, I cry out of wrong, but I am not heard: I cry aloud, but there is no judgment.

19:22 Why do ye persecute me as God, and are not satisfied with my flesh?



21:7 Wherefore do the wicked live, become old, yea, are mighty in power?

21:9 Their houses are safe from fear, neither is the rod of God upon them.

21:13 They spend their days in wealth, and in a moment go down to the grave.

21:14 Therefore they say unto God, Depart from us; for we desire not the knowledge of thy ways.

21:15 What is the Almighty, that we should serve him? and what profit should we have, if we pray unto him?

-Seriously, I happen to have been listening to this song and it fits so well with Job's condemnation of God.







Job's friends telling Job that the Lord is super powerful and Job telling them that the Lord is a dick, back and forth until the three friends give up and leave and a fourth man shows up to try his luck.

He basically tells Job the exact same thing the other three told him. That God is awesome and powerful and gives us rain and mountains and clouds and for all this He has given, He gets nothing in return.



38:1 Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind, and said,

38:2 Who is this that darkeneth counsel by words without knowledge?

38:3 Gird up now thy loins like a man; for I will demand of thee, and answer thou me.

38:4 Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? declare, if thou hast understanding

-Finally, after 38 chapters of Job's misery and wailing to the heavens, God shows up (in a whirlwind?) and goes "Man up, punk. Who was it that built the earth again? Oh right, that was ME." And then God (who had apparently been off smoking weed this entire time... only way to explain this next part), says this:



38:6 Whereupon are the foundations thereof fastened? or who laid the corner stone thereof;

38:7 When the morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy?

38:8 Or who shut up the sea with doors, when it brake forth, as if it had issued out of the womb?

38:9 When I made the cloud the garment thereof, and thick darkness a swaddlingband for it,

38:10 And brake up for it my decreed place, and set bars and doors,

38:11 And said, Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further: and here shall thy proud waves be stayed?

38:12 Hast thou commanded the morning since thy days; and caused the dayspring to know his place;

38:13 That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, that the wicked might be shaken out of it?

-In trying to sound like a self-righteous badass, God says some strange things. Like that he made clouds with garments and used doors to stop the flow of the sea. And that if he wanted to, he could shake the earth like a blanket (cause it's flat and all) and all the evil would fly off like dust.





38:21 Knowest thou it, because thou wast then born? or because the number of thy days is great?

38:22 Hast thou entered into the treasures of the snow? or hast thou seen the treasures of the hail,

38:23 Which I have reserved against the time of trouble, against the day of battle and war?

-What? God goes "Oh I'm sorry, were YOU born back when I created all this? Oh right, it's because you've lived forever. Then he mentions that he's got a stockpile of hail and snow saved up just in case some war breaks out? Apparently, God is capable of being a sarcastic douche when he needs to be.



38:33 Knowest thou the ordinances of heaven? canst thou set the dominion thereof in the earth?

38:34 Canst thou lift up thy voice to the clouds, that abundance of waters may cover thee?

38:35 Canst thou send lightnings, that they may go and say unto thee, Here we are?

-Alright, Christ! I get it! Stop ragging on my ass.





God goes on like this for pages, sarcastically going "are YOU the one who gives prey to the beasts and gives flight to the eagles? hmmm?"

40:2 Shall he that contendeth with the Almighty instruct him? he that reproveth God, let him answer it.

40:3 Then Job answered the LORD, and said,

40:4 Behold, I am vile; what shall I answer thee? I will lay mine hand upon my mouth.

-So after God gives him shit all afternoon, Job promises to stop complaining... about his newly dead children... and lesion covered skin.



The Lord continues patting himself on the back and mentions that he created a Behemoth and a Leviathan. So now he made mythical creatures?






42:12 So the LORD blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning: for he had fourteen thousand sheep, and six thousand camels, and a thousand yoke of oxen, and a thousand she asses.

42:13 He had also seven sons and three daughters.

42:14 And he called the name of the first, Jemima; and the name of the second, Kezia; and the name of the third, Kerenhappuch.

42:15 And in all the land were no women found so fair as the daughters of Job

-God gives Job twice as much material possessions as he had before and gave him newer, hotter daughters. If all my children, who I loved, were killed off I'm SURE that strangers popping into existence to take their place would do just fine. After all, they were just replaceable objects.





Sooooo, the moral of the Book of Job is: If you are a sinner, God will smite you. If you worship God but falter slightly, God will smite you. And if you worship God unwaveringly and are perfect in the eyes of the Lord, God will smite you, then yell at you angrily.

The story opens with Ahasuerus, the king of the region where India presently is, hosting a party and drinking wine in golden chalices with all his princes.

He commands his seven chamberlains:

1:11 To bring Vashti the queen before the king with the crown royal, to shew the people and the princes her beauty: for she was fair to look on.



She declines and that pisses the king off. so he throws down the law:

1:20 And when the king's decree which he shall make shall be published throughout all his empire, (for it is great,) all the wives shall give to their husbands honour, both to great and small.

and "that every man should bear rule in his own house."

-You don't want to shake your ass for me and my drunk friends? Fine. all wives in my kingdom shall be servile towards their husbands... it's the law!



2:2 Then said the king's servants that ministered unto him, Let there be fair young virgins sought for the king:

2:4 And let the maiden which pleaseth the king be queen instead of Vashti. And the thing pleased the king; and he did so.

-Still pissed at his queen for not being his plaything, the king sleeps with a bunch of virgins and the one that he likes best will be the new queen.

-Ah the Bible, the moral handbook for strong, independent women everywhere.



After "purifying" the virgins in oils and fragrances for 12 months, the king has his orgy, and the winner of the sex contest? Yup. Good ol' Esther.

2:17 And the king loved Esther above all the women, and she obtained grace and favour in his sight more than all the virgins; so that he set the royal crown upon her head, and made her queen instead of Vashti.



3:2 And all the king's servants, that were in the king's gate, bowed, and reverenced Haman: for the king had so commanded concerning him. But Mordecai bowed not, nor did him reverence.

-Haman gets pissed that this Jew fellow refuses to bow to him. So he asks the king's permission to kill all the Jews in the kingdom. The king says yes.

3:13 And the letters were sent by posts into all the king's provinces, to destroy, to kill, and to cause to perish, all Jews, both young and old, little children and women, in one day, even upon the thirteenth day of the twelfth month, which is the month Adar, and to take the spoil of them for a prey.

-So because one Jew didn't bow, the king sets a day (the 13th of December) to kill all the Jews in his kingdom.



Esther and Mordecai talk back and forth about what the king had done, so she tells him to fast for 3 days (?) and then has him come to the castle. Haman sees him and gets so uber-pissed that he and his friends build a gallows to hang him. But Esther tells the king that Haman is evil for wanting to kill the Jews... even though... Haman clearly gets the king's permission first... anyways. So the king sees that Haman is evil and hangs him on the gallows that Haman built for Mordecai, then gives all of Haman's belongings to Mordecai (there's some serious forgetfulness going on here).





Then, at Mordecai's request, Esther convinces the king to command the Jews to attack those who would attack them on the 13th.

8:11 Wherein the king granted the Jews which were in every city to gather themselves together, and to stand for their life, to destroy, to slay and to cause to perish, all the power of the people and province that would assault them, both little ones and women, and to take the spoil of them for a prey,

-So instead of just, you know... calling off the Jewpocalypse so that no one has to die. The king commands the Jew to kill those who were going to kill them, including women and children (of course).



8:17 And in every province, and in every city, whithersoever the king's commandment and his decree came, the Jews had joy and gladness, a feast and a good day. And many of the people of the land became Jews; for the fear of the Jews fell upon them.

-Ah, religious conversion through fear of death. Business as usual.



9:1 Now in the twelfth month, that is, the month Adar, on the thirteenth day of the same, when the king's commandment and his decree drew near to be put in execution, in the day that the enemies of the Jews hoped to have power over them, (though it was turned to the contrary, that the Jews had rule over them that hated them

9:2 The Jews gathered themselves togetherin their cities throughout all the provinces of the king Ahasuerus, to lay hand on such as sought their hurt: and no man could withstand them; for the fear of them fell upon all people.

9:5 Thus the Jews smote all their enemies with the stroke of the sword, and slaughter, and destruction, and did what they would unto those that hated them.

...And in Shushan the palace the Jews slew and destroyed five hundred men... and slew three hundred men... and slew of their foes seventy and five thousand...

-The Jews take the whole "defend yourself" thing a bit too far... and just... kinda start killing everyone.





So in the other book about a woman (Ruth), the moral was: trick a man into sleeping with you and reap the benefits. In Esther, we learn that a woman who wins a sex contest can use her king husband as a puppet master and play the game of genocide herself (Esther has 2 guards killed out of suspicion, then has the king kill Haman, then has the king decree that the Jews should kill people, then has the 10 sons of Haman hung... all in the span of 10 chapters).

Real short and sweet, Ezra is only 10 chapters long.



2:63 And the Tirshatha said unto them, that they should not eat of the most holy things, till there stood up a priest with Urim and with Thummim.

-This is the fourth time so far that the Bible mentions the Urim and the Thummim (aka the magic seeing stones that Joseph Smith uses to read from the magic plates in the Book of Mormon). It's weird that it's never discussed in the Judeo-Christian religions.



9:2 For they have taken of their daughters for themselves, and for their sons: so that the holy seed have mingled themselves with the people of those lands: yea, the hand of the princes and rulers hath been chief in this trespass.

-God is pissed that the holy lineage of Jews is being mixed with foreigners. Strange, this sounds very similar to... oh... I don't know...


HITLER!




Bonus: If you google "hitler divine race" the first result is my old post on this forum.


That's it. The message of the Book of Ezra is: Jews should only sleep with other Jews to maintain the Seed of Righteousness.

Bam bam, we're knocking out these books left and right.

Edit: I'm tired of trying to figure out how to keep these 2 posts separate, so here's a 2 for 1 deal.






The only thing noteworthy in Nehemiah (besides that awesome pic I found) is that it has the same list of "names and numbers of children of the province" as Ezra had... and as SkeptAnnot (can't improve on perfection so why try?) states:

"Here we find the same long, boring list that is given in the second chapter of Ezra. The only interesting thing about these two lists is that they directly contradict one another. For instance, Neh.7:10 says that 652 children of Arah returned from captivity in Babylon, while Ezra 2:5 says that 775 of them returned. There are 15 similar contradictions between the two accounts. "

Nothing like contradictions in juxtaposed books to exhibit how "divinely inspired" this hunk of crap is.


On to the next one.

2nd Chronicles, here we g......





And I'm back.



First 13 or so chapters of 2nd Chronic (my nickname for this book, not Dr Dre's upcoming album) are yet more recapping of things we've already covered, such as Solomon and his conquests.



13:15 Then the men of Judah gave a shout: and as the men of Judah shouted, it came to pass, that God smote Jeroboam and all Israel before Abijah and Judah.

13:16 And the children of Israel fled before Judah: and God delivered them into their hand.

13:17 And Abijah and his people slew them with a great slaughter: so there fell down slain of Israel five hundred thousand chosen men.

-The people of Judah kill 500,000 Israelite men and children (because the Israelis followed Jeroboam's rule, who was not a descendant of David... and God had promised Israel to David forever). Seems these religious wars are increasing in scale.



14:11 And Asa cried unto the LORD his God, and said, LORD, it is nothing with thee to help, whether with many, or with them that have no power: help us, O LORD our God; for we rest on thee, and in thy name we go against this multitude. O LORD, thou art our God; let no man prevail against thee.

14:12 So the LORD smote the Ethiopians before Asa, and before Judah; and the Ethiopians fled.

-God kills one million Ethiopians. What are we, like 14 books into the Bible? Nearly every page so far has been a glorified recounting of God's military successes. Call me crazy, but if I were to conceive of a divine book of moral guidance... it certainly wouldn't start off by celebrating the millions and millions of people that were killed in the name of a deity. Not once has the Bible hinted at regret or remorse for all the people killed.



15:13 That whosoever would not seek the LORD God of Israel should be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman.

-Wow. This is a pretty weighted line. Men, women, and children should be killed if they don't believe.



16:12 And Asa in the thirty and ninth year of his reign was diseased in his feet, until his disease was exceeding great: yet in his disease he sought not to the LORD, but to the physicians.

-Still relevant today. Those who condemn science still seek a doctor rather than pray when it comes to their health.



God tells his people "hang back, I got this one" and makes the Moabites, Ammonites, and Edomites go crazy and fight each other so that the people of Judah didn't even have to do battle.

20:22 And when they began to sing and to praise, the LORD set ambushments against the children of Ammon, Moab, and mount Seir, which were come against Judah; and they were smitten.

-Oh yeah... and of course he included the children in the slaughter.





21:11 Moreover he made high places in the mountains of Judah and caused the inhabitants of Jerusalem to commit fornication, and compelled Judah thereto.

21:12 And there came a writing to him from Elijah the prophet...

21:14 Behold, with a great plague will the LORD smite thy people, and thy children, and thy wives, and all thy goods:

21:15 And thou shalt have great sickness by disease of thy bowels, until thy bowels fall out by reason of the sickness day by day.

21:16 Moreover the LORD stirred up against Jehoram the spirit of the Philistines, and of the Arabians, that were near the Ethiopians:

21:17 And they came up into Judah, and brake into it, and carried away all the substance that was found in the king's house, and his sons also, and his wives; so that there was never a son left him, save Jehoahaz, the youngest of his sons.

21:18 And after all this the LORD smote him in his bowels with an incurable disease.

21:19 And it came to pass, that in process of time, after the end of two years, his bowels fell out by reason of his sickness

-Sooooo, let me get this straight: Jeroham made "high places" which caused everyone to start having an orgy, so Elijah (who had already taken the joyride up to heaven at this point in the story) wrote to him and said "dude, God doesn't like what you did so He's going to plague your people and your family and also your bowels are going to fall out, peace nigga." And not only that, God purposely pissed off the Philistines and the Arabians so that they broke into his house, stole his wives and his children... and then his bowels fell out as promised.

-Seems like the only way out of God's Gang is death.



25:1 Amaziah was twenty and five years old when he began to reign, and he reigned twenty and nine years in Jerusalem. And his mother's name was Jehoaddan of Jerusalem.

25:2 And he did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, but not with a perfect heart.

25:3 Now it came to pass, when the kingdom was established to him, that he slew his servants that had killed the king his father.

-Also very gangsta like, everyone that steps up as God's number 1 seems to have to kill someone before God takes them seriously.



25:11 And Amaziah strengthened himself, and led forth his people, and went to the valley of salt, and smote of the children of Seir ten thousand.

25:12 And other ten thousand left alive did the children of Judah carry away captive, and brought them unto the top of the rock, and cast them down from the top of the rock, that they all were broken in pieces.

-What. The Bleep. Now it just seems like God is picking on children specifically. Ten thousand killed... and then ten thousand kept alive so that they can be thrown from a cliff.





26:1 Then all the people of Judah took Uzziah, who was sixteen years old, and made him king in the room of his father Amaziah.

26:4 And he did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, according to all that his father Amaziah did.

26:6 And he went forth and warred against the Philistines...

-Once again... gotta get those initiation rites out of the way.



26:16 But when he was strong, his heart was lifted up to his destruction: for he transgressed against the LORD his God, and went into the temple of the LORD to burn incense upon the altar of incense.

26:18 And they withstood Uzziah the king, and said unto him, It appertaineth not unto thee, Uzziah, to burn incense unto the LORD, but to the priests the sons of Aaron, that are consecrated to burn incense: go out of the sanctuary; for thou hast trespassed

26:20 And Azariah the chief priest, and all the priests, looked upon him, and, behold, he was leprous in his forehead, and they thrust him out from thence; yea, himself hasted also to go out, because the LORD had smitten him.

-Amaziah is stoked about his righteous killing of Philistines so he goes to burn some incense for the Lord... and is cursed with leprosy since only priests are allowed to burn incense.

-There's a pattern here. Someone takes over as God's Sword of Wraith, kills someone to prove himself, God goes "I got your back, you don't have to worry about anything ever again," and then God completely turns his back on him for a minor infraction of the rules, and utterly destroys everyone involved. Rinse and repeat.



27:1 Jotham was twenty and five years old when he began to reign, and he reigned sixteen years in Jerusalem.

27:2 And he did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, according to all that his father Uzziah did: howbeit he entered not into the temple of the LORD

-There's part one and part two. Can we get a trifecta?

27:5 He fought also with the king of the Ammonites, and prevailed against them.

-Booyah!



28:1 Ahaz was twenty years old when he began to reign, and he reigned sixteen years in Jerusalem

28:5 Wherefore the LORD his God delivered him into the hand of the king of Syria; and they smote him, and carried away a great multitude of them captives, and brought them to Damascus. And he was also delivered into the hand of the king of Israel, who smote him with a great slaughter.

-Kablammo!





The last few chapters recount the acts of Hezekiah and Manasseh again and mentions all the kings who took over (usually aged 8-12) and died within a decade or two.

1st Chronicles. You ready? Here we go!





The End






Seriously. Staying true to the chronicle part of its name, the 1st half of 1st Chronicles is one long genealogy and the 2nd half is just a recap of all the things the other books have already mentioned. I think the authors knew that most people had fallen asleep already and were trying to catch them up on things.

Or to quote SkepAnnot "The first nine chapters of First Chronicles are good examples of the 'endless genealogies' that Paul tells us to avoid (see 1 Timothy 1:4 and Titus 3:9). Wearisome as these chapters are, the rest of the book isn't much better. Consequently, First Chronicles is probably the most boring book in the Bible -- maybe the most boring book in all of literature."



21:1 And Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel.

-The first mention of Satan by name... and that's all we get. No explanation, nothing. The way I understand it is that the Books as they appear in the Bible are not in chronological order. But still, you'd think whoever arranged the books would put the book introducing Satan (I believe in the book of Job?) before this one.


On to 2nd Chronicles.

Alright, here we go. 2nd Kings, gonna be better and more coherent than 1st Kings, right?

1:2 And Ahaziah fell down through a lattice in his upper chamber that was in Samaria, and was sick: and he sent messengers, and said unto them, Go, enquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron whether I shall recover of this disease.

1:3 But the angel of the LORD said to Elijah the Tishbite, Arise, go up to meet the messengers of the king of Samaria, and say unto them, Is it not because there is not a God in Israel, that ye go to enquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron?

Nope. Same ol' Kings.



Ahaziah gets in trouble with God for seeking out other gods to cure him of his ailments. The prophet Elijah shows up claiming to be the voice of God, so Ahaziah sends out 50 men and a captain to shut him up. Elijah has God consume them in a cloud of fire. So Ahaziah sends out 50 more men and a captain... and Elijah has God consume them as well. So Ahaziah sends out a third group of 50 men and a captain (doesn't seem to "get it"... but the captain of this group falls to his knees and claims fealty to Elijah and his God.

So then God kills Ahaziah for seeking out other Gods. Though it seems to me He could've done this earlier and spared the lives of 102 innocent soldiers doing their duty. But I guess that wouldn't be the bloodthirsty God we've come to know.



2:1 And it came to pass, when the LORD would take up Elijah into heaven by a whirlwind

-Wait, what? You can't just throw that out there, with no prior mention, all nonchalant. Elijah doesn't actually go to heaven, but rather Bethel ...and then Jericho... and then Jordan, because they were met with hostility at every city they went to.



2:8 And Elijah took his mantle, and wrapped it together, and smote the waters, and they were divided hither and thither, so that they two went over on dry ground.

2:11 And it came to pass, as they still went on, and talked, that, behold, there appeared a chariot of fire, and horses of fire, and parted them both asunder; and Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven.

-Elijah proves that pretty much anyone can part the seas and walk on dry land, then a chariot of fire (?) flies by them and finally takes Elijah up into heaven via whirlwind (why was all this necessary?).





Elisha (Elijah's son... who apparently wasn't awesome enough to ride the whirlwind ride to heaven) gets on Jericho's good side by throwing salt into what little water they have (yet another drought) and making the water plentiful in the name of the Lord.

-I gotta ask. Why salt? If the item you're throwing in the water is symbolic anyways, why not just wave your hands and do a dance. Why waste salt?



2:23 And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.

2:24 And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.

-Just one of my all time favorite passages. Children mock Elisha's bald head (as children do) so the Lord sends two bears to slaughter all 42 of the children.





All the kings of the area (Edom, Israel, and Judah) rose up against the king of Moab, who was the regional dickhead. But the kings had no food or water in the desert (dynamite planning fellas), so they go to the "prophet" Elisha, who is known for regularly following God on Twitter, to ask what the Lord would have them do. And so Elisha tells them:

3:15 But now bring me a minstrel. And it came to pass, when the minstrel played, that the hand of the LORD came upon him.

3:16 And he said, Thus saith the LORD, Make this valley full of ditches.

-God dammit, Kings. Could you make sense every once in a while? A minstrel plays a tune (must have been a beast of a song to get God's attention) and the Lord says "Make this valley full of ditches." He then expands on this vague nonsense.

-he will deliver the Moabites also into your hand.

3:19 And ye shall smite every fenced city, and every choice city, and shall fell every good tree, and stop all wells of water, and mar every good piece of land with stones.

-God orders them to go all Viking on the Moabites and leave nothing intact. Set phasers to Annihilate. And they do, until the king of Moab offers his eldest son as a burnt offering upon the wall. And for some reason this makes them all go home.



Elisha brings a child back to life by:

4:34 And he went up, and lay upon the child, and put his mouth upon his mouth, and his eyes upon his eyes, and his hands upon his hands: and stretched himself upon the child; and the flesh of the child waxed warm.

4:35 Then he returned, and walked in the house to and fro; and went up, and stretched himself upon him: and the child sneezed seven times, and the child opened his eyes.


-Is anyone else picturing how ridiculous this would look?





A leper comes to the door of Elisha and is told to wash himself seven times in the waters of Jordan... so the leper does so and is healed.

-Soooo, why were the miracles of Jesus so special again? Elisha can part the seas (right after Elijah is swept away), make food and water be plentiful, raise the dead, and heal leprosy. If Elisha says anything remotely insightful while standing on a mound, I'm starting a new religion. Elishians.



Gehazi, a servant of Elisha, makes the ex-leper (alms for an ex-leper!) give him money in Elisha's name... so Elisha curses Gehazi and all his future children with leprosy.

-So Elisha can also CAST leprosy. One up on Jesus in the battle of the messiahs.



6:4 So he went with them. And when they came to Jordan, they cut down wood.

6:5 But as one was felling a beam, the axe head fell into the water: and he cried, and said, Alas, master! for it was borrowed.

6:6 And the man of God said, Where fell it? And he shewed him the place. And he cut down a stick, and cast it in thither; and the iron did swim.

-What... the hell? I'm trying to be patient with you 2nd Kings... but spontaneous wood cutting and floating iron axeheads is pushing my boundaries.



6:25 And there was a great famine in Samaria: and, behold, they besieged it, until an ass's head was sold for fourscore pieces of silver, and the fourth part of a cab of dove's dung for five pieces of silver.

-WHAT!?



There was a famine in Samaria so bad that women were boiling and eating their babies.

6:28 And the king said unto her, What aileth thee? And she answered, This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son tomorrow.

6:29 So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son.

-Apparently the first atheists were from Samaria



And so Elisha says to the starving lepers:

7:1 Hear ye the word of the LORD; Thus saith the LORD, To morrow about this time shall a measure of fine flour be sold for a shekel, and two measures of barley for a shekel, in the gate of Samaria.

-Everybody, it's ok! Tomorrow someone's gonna sell some flour! One of the listeners makes sarcastic remarks and is later trampled by horses for his insolence.



God sends a 7 year famine on some random people, Elisha convinces a messenger to lie to his king, then kill him, business as usual in the Bible.



9:1 And Elisha the prophet called one of the children of the prophets, and said unto him, Gird up thy loins, and take this box of oil in thine hand

-Oh boy! Gird up your loins and grab some oil, because you haven't partied until you've partied with a prophet.



God claims that the house of Ahab will meet the same fate as Jeroboam and Baasha... and pisseth on a wall... and dogs will eat corpses... and yada yada.



Joram (king of Judah) rides out to meet Jehu (recently anointed to be king of Israel) and greets him warmly:

9:22 And it came to pass, when Joram saw Jehu, that he said, Is it peace, Jehu? And he answered, What peace, so long as the whoredoms of thy mother Jezebel and her witchcrafts are so many?

-Booyah! Your mother is a LovePeddler and a witch! I'm guessing this is where the term "jezebel" originated? So then everyone is like "oh shit, it's on!" and flees. But Jehu systematically hunts them down (the kings who were present) and "kills them in their chariots" with his bow.





Jehu then goes to the home of Jezebel, LovePeddler mother of the king he just killed, and:

9:33 And he said, Throw her down. So they threw her down: and some of her blood was sprinkled on the wall, and on the horses: and he trode her under foot.

9:34 And when he was come in, he did eat and drink, and said, Go, see now this cursed woman, and bury her: for she is a king's daughter.

9:35 And they went to bury her: but they found no more of her than the skull, and the feet, and the palms of her hands.

9:36 Wherefore they came again, and told him. And he said, This is the word of the LORD, which he spake by his servant Elijah the Tishbite, saying, In the portion of Jezreel shall dogs eat the flesh of Jezebel:

9:37 And the carcase of Jezebel shall be as dung upon the face of the field in the portion of Jezreel; so that they shall not say, This is Jezebel.

-Just delightful. They throw her out the window she was looking out of... where blood splatters everywhere. Then he tramples her with his horse. Then they go enjoy a nice meal, then return to find that her corpse has been eaten by dogs, which is fine since she isn't worth the shit she'll soon become.





Jehu stands at the gates of Samaria and demands that if the people don't want to be killed, they should behead all 70 sons of Ahab and bring the heads to the gate and put them in a pile. Which they do. Then Jehu kills off the rest of Ahab's family. Then he runs into the 42 brothers of the king of Judah and kills them all too. Then he bumps into an old friend on the road, and Jehu demonstrates the "zeal of the Lord" by riding back into Samaria and killing more people.



Then Jehu claims that he is a huge follower of the god Baal and that all the other followers of Baal should meet in a big tent to worship him. And when all of the followers of Baal are in the tent, Jehu has them all killed.



10:30 And the LORD said unto Jehu, Because thou hast done well in executing that which is right in mine eyes, and hast done unto the house of Ahab according to all that was in mine heart, thy children of the fourth generation shall sit on the throne of Israel.

-All the killing and deception and beheading was exactly what God wanted.



(I realize how long this one is becoming so I skip ahead some)



Elisha falls deathly ill, so Joash (the king of Israel... seems to be a popular profession in the Bible) comes to him and Elisha says to him:

13:15 Take bow and arrows. And he took unto him bow and arrows.

13:16 And he said to the king of Israel, Put thine hand upon the bow. And he put his hand upon it: and Elisha put his hands upon the king's hands.

13:17 And he said, Open the window eastward. And he opened it. Then Elisha said, Shoot. And he shot. And he said, The arrow of the LORD's deliverance, and the arrow of deliverance from Syria: for thou shalt smite the Syrians in Aphek, till thou have consumed them.

13:18 And he said, Take the arrows. And he took them. And he said unto the king of Israel, Smite upon the ground. And he smote thrice, and stayed.

13:19 And the man of God was wroth with him, and said, Thou shouldest have smitten five or six times; then hadst thou smitten Syria till thou hadst consumed it: whereas now thou shalt smite Syria but thrice.

-Pure brilliance. "Shoot out the window" (Boing) "That's proof that you will smite the Syrians. Now strike the ground with some arrows" (smack smack smack) "You idiot! If you had struck the ground 5 or 6 times (Five OR Six? So there's no magic number) you would've TOTALLY wiped out Syria, but now it will only be a little bit wiped out."





13:21 And it came to pass, as they were burying a man, that, behold, they spied a band of men; and they cast the man into the sepulchre of Elisha: and when the man was let down, and touched the bones of Elisha, he revived, and stood up on his feet.

-WOW. Elisha doesn't even have to be alive to reanimate the dead. I'm throwing my hat in with Elisha.



14:6 But the children of the murderers he slew not: according unto that which is written in the book of the law of Moses, wherein the LORD commanded, saying, The fathers shall not be put to death for the children, nor the children be put to death for the fathers; but every man shall be put to death for his own sin.

-Are you kidding me God? All you do, all day long, in every book... is punish children and future descendents for the sins of their fathers. That's like your favorite curse, next to famine of course.



A lot of kings came into power, a lot of people were killed, and so on. I'm skipping through all the boring stuff.



19:35 And it came to pass that night, that the angel of the LORD went out, and smote in the camp of the Assyrians an hundred fourscore and five thousand: and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses.

-This isn't (as theists always argue) humans killing humans in the name of the Lord. This is an angel, sent from God, killing 185,000 men while they slept.

...and how does one "arise early in the morning" to discover that they are a dead corpse?



Hezekiah is informed by God that he will die soon, and to get his affairs in order. But Hezekiah prays and pleads with the Lord to let him live. So God goes "ok then" and tells Hezekiah he will add 15 more years onto his life. And as a sign that God will do so, he makes the sun move backward in the sky... making the shadows move in the opposite direction.





Manasseh takes over as king at the age of 12 and delights in pissing God off.

21:6 And he made his son pass through the fire, and observed times, and used enchantments, and dealt with familiar spirits and wizards: he wrought much wickedness in the sight of the LORD, to provoke him to anger.

and he re-erected the altars to Baal and draws pictures of the Lord with penis mustaches, etc. to the point where God says:

21:12 Therefore thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Behold, I am bringing such evil upon Jerusalem and Judah, that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle.

21:13 And I will stretch over Jerusalem the line of Samaria, and the plummet of the house of Ahab: and I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down.

-But after all that macho talk, God does nothing. And Manasseh's son eventually takes over and is just as much a dick to God as his father was. Eventually his own people killed him.



Josiah takes over and does God's bidding... which is to tear down all these damn Baal altars again and kill all Baal's followers. But even though Josiah does as he's told, God is still pissed about his grandfather, Manasseh. Seriously.

23:26 Notwithstanding the LORD turned not from the fierceness of his great wrath, wherewith his anger was kindled against Judah, because of all the provocations that Manasseh had provoked him withal.

-Even though mere chapters before, you just said "don't punish children for their father's sins."

1:1 Now king David was old and stricken in years; and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat.

1:2 Wherefore his servants said unto him, Let there be sought for my lord the king a young virgin: and let her stand before the king, and let her cherish him, and let her lie in thy bosom, that my lord the king may get heat.

1:3 So they sought for a fair damsel throughout all the coasts of Israel, and found Abishag a Shunammite, and brought her to the king.

1:4 And the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him: but the king knew her not.

-Right off the bat, first 4 verses. Old Man David is cold and dying, so they bring in a virgin to sex him up and make him warmer (ever hear of a blanket? Ba-Zing!)



1:7 And he conferred with Joab the son of Zeruiah, and with Abiathar the priest: and they following Adonijah helped him.

1:8 But Zadok the priest, and Benaiah the son of Jehoiada, and Nathan the prophet, and Shimei, and Rei, and the mighty men which belonged to David, were not with Adonijah...

-This goes on for a chapter or two, where apparently the author had a whole bunch of celebrity names on a sheet and just felt like name dropping. Or perhaps he was a girl doodling names of future children and felt like trying them out just to see how they looked.



2:32 And the LORD shall return his blood upon his own head, who fell upon two men more righteous and better than he, and slew them with the sword, my father David not knowing thereof, to wit, Abner the son of Ner, captain of the host of Israel, and Amasa the son of Jether, captain of the host of Judah.

2:33 Their blood shall therefore return upon the head of Joab, and upon the head of his seed for ever:

-I'm having trouble mocking Kings so far, mainly because I'm having trouble understanding it. The dialect of this author is ridiculously cluttered and redundant. All I'm hearing is "he who placeth the pot upon the shelf, being forthwith of said pot, being that the pot is round, the son of Jebad, ruler of Herod, placed forth the pot unto him and slew kindness into the peoples."



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Then David dies and Solomon becomes king. So he immediately kills some relatives (don't ask me why) and the Lord visits him in a dream and offers him anything he wants. So Solomon asks for an "understanding heart" so that he might better judge between good and evil. The Lord is pleased at this unselfish request and gives him the heart, the brains, and the courage (oh wait, that's Wizard of Oz). I mean wealth, long life, and honor. Then Solomon offers thousands of burnt offerings and is met by harlots (this plot line really needs some structure).



The harlots then say:

3:21 And when I rose in the morning to give my child suck, behold, it was dead: but when I had considered it in the morning, behold, it was not my son, which I did bear.

-Seriously, 1 Kings appears to have been written by an illiterate 1st grader.



Then the story we've all heard about: there's a dead child and a living child and both harlots are making claim to the living one. So Solomon says "let's cut the kid in half and give each of you a half (wow)." The actual mother says "no give it to her then, I just want the child to live" and the fake mother says "yes, good idea, let's cut the kid in half (really...?)."

So Solomon is able to tell the real mother from the fake and gives the child the real mother. Then Solomon is praised for his "wisdom" in handling the situation.



Many chapters praising Solomon for being the wisest man in the world and listing all the many material possessions he had and the specifics of the giant house made of gold he built.



8:5 And king Solomon, and all the congregation of Israel, that were assembled unto him, were with him before the ark, sacrificing sheep and oxen, that could not be told nor numbered for multitude.

-Solomon has the biggest sacrificial house warming party the world has ever known.



You're lucky I'm only using this pic. Google "Bible animal sacrifice pics" to see a wonderful selection. People drinking the blood from a goat's severed neck, or washing themselves with blood.

(At this point, my browser messed up and all that was after this point was deleted, so allow me a quick catch up of what was erased)



11:3 And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines: and his wives turned away his heart.

-Solomon is warned that his "strange wives with their odd incense burning and foreign gods" will lead him away from God. So Solomon "the wisest man in the world" denies God and worships foreign Gods. So God get pissed and empowers the enemies of Israel, "stirring up adversaries" to rebel against Solomon. And so Solomon died... of natural causes 40 years later.



Then a prophet comes to town, and says something about someone somewhere, then leaves. But on his way out of town a man invites him to his house for food and drink.

13:15 Then he said unto him, Come home with me, and eat bread.

13:16 And he said, I may not return with thee, nor go in with thee: neither will I eat bread nor drink water with thee in this place:

13:17 For it was said to me by the word of the LORD, Thou shalt eat no bread nor drink water there

-And back and forth going "The Lord said for me not to eat food and drink." And the other guy going "well I'm also a prophet and the Lord told me he changed his mind and that you can have food and drink." Until Prophet Number 1 decides to have food and drink. So God kills him via lion.

13:24 And when he was gone, a lion met him by the way, and slew him

-Moral of the story: DON'T HAVE FOOD AND DRINK!



Jeroboam is worried that God might kill his sick child, so he disguises his wife and sends her to Shiloh seeking a prophet. But the Lord beats her to the prophet and tells her that because Jeroboam has angered Him with all his sinning and lovingly informs her that:

for thou hast gone and made thee other gods, and molten images, to provoke me to anger, and hast cast me behind thy back:

14:10 Therefore, behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall, and him that is shut up and left in Israel, and will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung, till it be all gone.

14:11 Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it.

14:12 Arise thou therefore, get thee to thine own house: and when thy feet enter into the city, the child shall die.

-Enjoy! You will all die and dogs and birds will eat your corpses and your sick child will die the moment you step foot back into your city. Because the LORD hath spoken it. Now kneel before me, bitch!



14:17 And Jeroboam's wife arose, and departed, and came to Tirzah: and when she came to the threshold of the door, the child died;

-Because at this point, we all know:

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14:24 And there were also sodomites in the land: and they did according to all the abominations of the nations which the LORD cast out before the children of Israel.

-God clearly embraces homosexuals with open arms.



15:3 And he walked in all the sins of his father, which he had done before him: and his heart was not perfect with the LORD his God, as the heart of David his father.

-This is repeated throughout Kings. That David was the shining example of what God desires and no one else measure up to him. So go back and read about David and know that everything he did was perfectly in accordance with God's wishes.



God commands Baasha to "smite all the house of Jeroboam; he left not to Jeroboam any that breathed, until he had destroyed him, according unto the saying of the LORD" and then God kills Baasha in the same manner for smiting the house of Jeroboam (what?).



16:19 For his sins which he sinned in doing evil in the sight of the LORD, in walking in the way of Jeroboam, and in his sin which he did, to make Israel to sin.

-Did you get that?



What follows is what sounds like the mumblings of a drunken senile man. Along the lines of "and there was a man named Elijah, and the Lord brought a drought to the land, and ravens brought Elijah food every morning...(grumble)... uhhh, look to the east and hide by a brook in Jordan... grgrmgrmrgr...

17:9 Arise, get thee to Zarephath, which belongeth to Zidon, and dwell there: behold, I have commanded a widow woman there to sustain thee. ...(grumble grumble)...

17:12 And she said, As the LORD thy God liveth, I have not a cake, but an handful of meal in a barrel, and a little oil in a cruse: and, behold, I am gathering two sticks, that I may go in and dress it for me and my son, that we may eat it, and die.

18:1 And it came to pass after many days, that the word of the LORD came to Elijah in the third year, saying, Go, shew thyself unto Ahab; and I will send rain upon the earth.

18:2 And Elijah went to shew himself unto Ahab. And there was a sore famine in Samaria.

18:3 And Ahab called Obadiah, which was the governor of his house. (Now Obadiah feared the LORD greatly:

-Is it just me? None of this makes any sense! Go meet this widow, I'm gathering two sticks, let's die! Go shew yourself and it will rain, Elijah shews himself, nothing happens, I fear the Lord greatly!

-I feel like I'm reading the subtitles of a Japanese anime. "He make great fear! No persons know this hands for butter!"



I skimmed the rest of 1 Kings and was bored to tears. Oh, and God killed a few more thousand people. I'm hoping the author of 2 Kings was a different author.

2nd Samuel starts off with two contradictions. A messenger says to David that 1. He was an Amalekite (but they have been completely slaughtered several times now, including the entire reason that Saul was shunned and killed in the first place... because he killed all but the king of the Amalekites) and 2. The messenger claims to have slain Saul, even though 1st Samuel says Saul fell upon his own sword.

So David has the messenger killed....



David describes the love of Jonathan to be greater than that of a woman.



2:8 But Abner the son of Ner, captain of Saul's host, took Ishbosheth the son of Saul, and brought him over to Mahanaim;

2:9 And made him king over Gilead, and over the Ashurites, and over Jezreel, and over Ephraim, and over Benjamin, and over all Israel.

-Apparently the author of 2nd Samuel didn't get the memo from the author of 1st Samuel about the whole "Saul and all his family and friends being killed," because Saul's son pops into existence and is made king.



2:14 And Abner said to Joab, Let the young men now arise, and play before us. And Joab said, Let them arise.

2:15 Then there arose and went over by number twelve of Benjamin, which pertained to Ishbosheth the son of Saul, and twelve of the servants of David.

2:16 And they caught every one his fellow by the head, and thrust his sword in his fellow's side; so they fell down together: wherefore that place was called Helkathhazzurim, which is in Gibeon.

-I'm hoping the word "play" was mistranslated, because after the young men finish stabbing each other in the side (in a playful, fatally wounding kind of way), the house of Saul and the house of David continue "playing" until 300 men are dead. And this tactical "playfare" continues for a few decades.



Then a lot of people get stabbed "under the fifth rib." Much like the "sprinkling the blood seven times" guy, this author found a repeating phrase he can keep coming back to.



A lot of assassinations take place, and then the assassins are punished by being cut into pieces and hung from various places.



5:19 And David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go up to the Philistines? wilt thou deliver them into mine hand? And the LORD said unto David, Go up: for I will doubtless deliver the Philistines into thine hand.

-David's like "Yo God, you wanna go arbitrarily kill some more Philistines?" and the Lord is all like "Hellz yeah! I'll go get my shotgun." God hates the Philistines simply for being born in the wrong country.


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While transporting God's ark, it starts to fall off the ox wagon, so Uzzah stops it from falling with his hand... so God kills him. "I said don't touch my treasure chest, bitches!"



6:14 And David danced before the LORD with all his might; and David was girded with a linen ephod.

-King David dances in his underwear for God, and Michal, the daughter of Saul sees him and goes "dude, what the Bleep are you doing?" and David's like "umm, hello? It's for GOD!" and God curses Michal with a worthless vagina.

6:23 Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her death.

-Even though... later in the Bible, she gives birth to 5 sons



David kills a lot more Philistines and Syrians just because he can.



11:1 And it came to pass, after the year was expired, at the time when kings go forth to battle, that David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they destroyed the children of Ammon, and besieged Rabbah.

-Is there any context in any scenario where the killing of children is righteous or moral? Perhaps if they are all demon spawn, like Children of the Damned. But seriously, "And they destroyed the children" ... anyone who claims the Bible is a moral guide should be immediately slapped in the face from this point on.



David then proves why he's God go-to guy by seeing a hot chick, sending for her, sleeping with her, and getting her pregnant. And when he finds out she's pregnant David has her husband come home from battle to try to trick him into thinking it's the husbands kid.

But the husband refuses to go to his house saying, "why should I be allowed to eat, drink, and enjoy the comforts of my home while my combat brothers still fight in the fields?" Great, so the husband is also a noble man.

So David tries the oldest trick in the Good Book, getting him drunk... but he still refuses to go home to his wife. So David sends him back into battle with instructions to his commanders to put him at the front of the most dangerous battles, where he of course dies. Then David marries the dude's wife.

11:27 And when the mourning was past, David sent and fetched her to his house, and she became his wife and bare him a son. But the thing that David had done displeased the LORD.

-FINALLY! The Lord is displeased! It took many books and incest and genocide and slaughtering babies and children and rape. But when David knocks up a soldier's wife, the Lord is like "Whoa whoa whoa! What is this? Adultery? Not on my watch, mister!"



12:7 And Nathan said to David, Thou art the man.

-I'm going to start using this one in conversations. "Ohhh, nice shot dude! Thou art the man!"



12:11 Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun.

12:14 Howbeit, because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die.

-So to "punish" David, God gives some of his several wives to his neighbor so that everyone can watch them screw... and then kills the innocent child that David never wanted in the first place. Wow what a terrible punishment.



After the baby dies, David goes about his day all chipper and the servants ask him why he isn't mourning the baby and he goes "I did mourn... while the baby was alive. But since God took the child anyways, there's nothing I can do about it." (Shrug) Then since the baby's mother (dead soldier's wife) is grieving, David humps her again and she gives birth to another kid.



13:1 And it came to pass after this, that Absalom the son of David had a fair sister, whose name was Tamar; and Amnon the son of David loved her.

13:2 And Amnon was so vexed, that he fell sick for his sister Tamar; for she was a virgin; and Amnon thought it hard for him to do anything to her.

13:6 So Amnon lay down, and made himself sick: and when the king was come to see him, Amnon said unto the king, I pray thee, let Tamar my sister come, and make me a couple of cakes in my sight, that I may eat at her hand.

13:11 And when she had brought them unto him to eat, he took hold of her, and said unto her, Come lie with me, my sister.

13:14 Howbeit he would not hearken unto her voice: but, being stronger than she, forced her, and lay with her.

-David's son rapes his own sister so that she'll marry him (Bible law as stated earlier, raped virgins must marry their rapists), but she refuses. So the rapist's brother (Absalom) has the servants murder him to make everybody feel better.







16:22 So they spread Absalom a tent upon the top of the house; and Absalom went in unto his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel.

-Absalom has a big orgy for all the land to witness.



18:7 Where the people of Israel were slain before the servants of David, and there was there a great slaughter that day of twenty thousand men.

18:8 For the battle was there scattered over the face of all the country: and the wood devoured more people that day than the sword devoured.

-Ummm. What? The trees ate people?



Absalom gets his head caught in an oak tree so Joab throw darts through his heart.


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God puts a famine on David's people for three years because of things Saul did back in the day. So to appease God, David hangs 2 of Saul's sons and 5 sons of Michal (who... as mentioned previously... couldn't bear children).



A few pages about how God can shake the foundations of heaven with his wrath and how he can breathe fire and ride cherubs and fire arrows, and praises are given to God for his ability to break enemy necks and take names.

Rambles on about the heroic deeds of random soldiers (such as the captain who killed 800 men at one time with his spear).



David sins by "incorrectly numbering the amount of people that he controlled" so he asks God for forgiveness. And being the blood thirsty God that we know and love so much, God offers David a choice of 3 options. Door number 1? A famine of 7 years on his people. Door number 2? Flee from your enemies for 3 months. And Door number 3? A pestilence on your people for 3 days.

-So of course David picks the shortest one (gotta be a sucker bet) and God sends a pestilence that kills 70,000 of David's men... but of course leaves David completely unharmed (that'll teach him!).

Bet you'll count how many people you have correctly next time, a.,sshole!

The Lord "shuts up Hannah's womb" so that it's only by his grace that she bear children. Samuel pops out.

-Like taking candy from a child so that you can give it back to them and be the cause of their joy... the joy that's replacing the pain you also caused.



2:8 ...for the pillars of the earth are the LORD's, and he hath set the world upon them.

-This wonderful chestnut is one of many wrong details about the earth that appear in the Bible. This line also gives credence to glaringly obvious fact that the knowledge of the Bible were limited to the knowledge and demographics of the men who wrote it.

-And if it is supposed to be figurative... figurative of what? What exactly are figurative pillars that the earth is sitting upon?



The Lord calls out to Samuel 3 times before getting through (bad reception in heaven), and says:

3:11 And the LORD said to Samuel, Behold, I will do a thing in Israel, at which both the ears of every one that heareth it shall tingle.

-The writing style of Samuel is much different than the previous books; different grammar, word choices, etc. And also the Lord is gonna make some ears tingle.

-Then God tells Samuel that Eli's descendants will be forever punished because of some sins that his sons committed.



4:18 And it came to pass, when he made mention of the ark of God, that he fell from off the seat backward by the side of the gate, and his neck brake, and he died: for he was an old man, and heavy. And he had judged Israel forty years.

-After finding out his 2 sons had died in battle, Eli goes "well what about the ark?" then falls backwards off his chair and breaks his neck. Just fantastic.





God kills roughly 50,000 people for being around and looking at his Ark.

-Possessive son of a bitch, ain't he? "That's MY ark. Don't look at it, stupid!"



9:3 And Kish said to Saul his son, Take now one of the servants with thee, and arise, go seek the asses.

-Oh if only my morals would let me quote mine.



10:3 Then shalt thou go on forward from thence, and thou shalt come to the plain of Tabor, and there shall meet thee three men going up to God to Bethel, one carrying three kids, and another carrying three loaves of bread, and another carrying a bottle of wine:

10:4 And they will salute thee, and give thee two loaves of bread; which thou shalt receive of their hands.

-Saul predicts the future for Samuel and then it happens, much like... an Oracle?





Saul is chosen to become king, but they can't find him. So the Lord pokes his head out of the clouds and goes:

10:22 Therefore they enquired of the LORD further, if the man should yet come thither. And the LORD answered, Behold he hath hid himself among the stuff.

10:23 And they ran and fetched him thence: and when he stood among the people, he was higher than any of the people from his shoulders and upward.

-That's right. Perhaps he's hiding in his "stuff."



11:1 Then Nahash the Ammonite came up, and encamped against Jabeshgilead: and all the men of Jabesh said unto Nahash, Make a covenant with us, and we will serve thee.

11:2 And Nahash the Ammonite answered them, On this condition will I make a covenant with you, that I may thrust out all your right eyes

-Didn't the Bible already say that the men of Jabeshgilead had been killed off a few years ago? (Judges) And sure we'll make a deal with you... just poke out your right eye. Better than a handshake.



More animal sacrifices and slaughtering as the Israelites battle the Philistines.



God commands Saul to slaughter every man, woman, and child of the Amalekites to appease a grudge he has against them from hundreds of years ago. Saul kills everyone but the king and the best cattle to sacrifice to the Lord, and the Lord gets super pissed because He said kill everyone.



15:22 And Samuel said, Hath the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams.

15:23 For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, he hath also rejected thee from being king.

-I've got red flags going off in my brain. This clearly magnifies the use of the Bible as tools used by rulers to keep order of the masses. Obey. Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft. Martin Luther King Jr was apparently the devil.



15:32 Then said Samuel, Bring ye hither to me Agag the king of the Amalekites. And Agag came unto him delicately. And Agag said, Surely the bitterness of death is past.

15:33 And Samuel said, As the sword hath made women childless, so shall thy mother be childless among women. And Samuel hewed Agag in pieces before the LORD in Gilgal.

-Soooo, Samuel chops the king into pieces for the amusement of the Lord



God secretly makes David the new king since Saul refused to kill and:

16:14 But the Spirit of the LORD departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the LORD troubled him.

-God... the most goodly being possible... sends an evil spirit to Bleep with Saul. Satan, my ass. God make the snake in the garden and is now sending demonic spirits to harass people who don't want to massacre people. Later David plays a harp to make Saul's evil spirit go away.



David slays Goliath... then cuts off his head and parades around with it.





Saul makes David collect 100 Philistine foreskins in order to purchase Saul's daughter as his wife. So David plays the overachiever and collects 200 foreskins. Not sure what you'd want with the skin of 200 dicks... perhaps make a soup.



20:30 Then Saul's anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said unto him, Thou son of the perverse rebellious woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen the son of Jesse to thine own confusion, and unto the confusion of thy mother's unclothedness?

20:41 And as soon as the lad was gone, David arose out of a place toward the south, and fell on his face to the ground, and bowed himself three times: and they kissed one another, and wept one with another

-Jonathan and David get all gay with each other and Saul gets pissed and throws a spear at Jonathan.







David demands that Nabal, a wanderer, give him all his stuff and Nabal goes "who the hell is David, I haven't even heard of this prick. Should I start giving my stuff to anyone that claims to deserve it?" and leaves, except later Nabal's wife packs up all his stuff and brings it to David and grovels, where David then declares multiple times that he would kill anyone "that pisseth against a wall."

10 days later, God kills Nabal and David takes all his stuff and his wife anyways.



27:9 And David smote the land, and left neither man nor woman alive

-It doesn't really matter at this point if I tell you who was killed, just know that God can't stand to go for a few months without slaughtering entire cities.



Saul uses a witch to do her necromancy and bring Samuel back from the dead... so that he can once again go "Dude, how come God rejected me again?" and Samuel's all like "I already told you, dude. You didn't kill everyone like God said to... oh and by the way, you and your sons are going to die tomorrow. Peace."



Notice that the witch has a wand. It just wouldn't be TRUE magic without a magic wand.



Saul's sons and armorbearer are killed by the Philistines so Saul falls on his own sword and kills himself.



The Amalekites... who have been completely wiped out twice in the past few years by the Israelites... invade a bunch of cities and take a bunch of people hostage without killing any of them (which side is the moral one?), so David catches up with them, kills them all (again), and rescues his two wives.



[NOTE]
The more I read the Bible and see "This person then went over here and said this... then they fell down grovelling... then they secretly did this and whispered this to this person before killing him with this object" ...the more I realize that no one is there taking notes. There isn't a court stenographer following each person along jotting down the specifics and dialogues of these people. How does anyone know what the angel who visited this person in the night said or that God was angry for this specific reason?

Realize that this is a work of fiction and so plot lines, dialogues, motives, and details are easily made up to move the story along.

1:4 And they took them wives of the women of Moab; the name of the one was Orpah, and the name of the other Ruth: and they dwelled there about ten years.






THE END



-Oh wait... it said "Orpah."



But seriously, the book of Ruth is 4 chapters long and is just the story of how Ruth waited until Boaz got drunk and fell asleep, then undressed him and slept next to him until he woke up. Then Boaz woke up, went "ah what the hell, I'm already naked" and did Ruth. Then he purchased her as his wife.

-Why? Why is this book in the book of the Lord? What message are we supposed to obtain from this? That once again, it's cool to deceive a guy to sleep with him to get what you want?

God appoints Judah to run things while Joshua most likely is having a rave party in heaven... even though heaven doesn't exist at this point in the Bible. And within 2 verses of being appointed, Judah has slain 10,000 men for the Lord.

-You know, for being the divine word of God that was so important for men to hear, the Bible just seems to be a glorified recounting of the Lord's military successes.



Judah then kills everyone in Jerusalem and Hebron... gets cocky and goes "Whoever conquers Debir can have my daughter as a wife.

-Example #183,247 of women being subjugated and treated as lessers in the Bible.



1:19 And the LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron.

-Well we've discovered God's kryptonite. When Armageddon comes and the Lord wages his war against us sinners, I'm hopping in my "iron chariot."





As illustrated in the opening picture, there begins an endless loop where "the children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD:" which caused the response: "the anger of the LORD was hot against Israel, and he sold them" to some random king.



An assassination in God's name, followed by the killing of 10,000 Moabites, followed by the killing of 600 Philistines, then Sisera, the leader of one of the enemies, escapes and is met by a woman named Jael, who feeds him, gives him milk, tells him to worry not... then drives a tent stake through his head while he sleeps.

-!!!!!!!



6:1 And the children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD: and the LORD delivered them into the hand of...

-Staying true to the established theme, People do evil, God gets pissed and sells them into slavery. These have got to be the hardest to convince people on the planet. The Lord, who frequently talks and interacts with these people, has helped them conquer nearly 100 kingdoms to this point, and they remain unimpressed and would rather worship other gods.



Gideon and an angel sit under a tree and have a discussion. Gideon goes "where are all these miracles that our fathers have told us about?" And God intervenes in the convo and goes "oh yeah? I'll help you kill all the Midianites. That'll show you."



6:21 Then the angel of the LORD put forth the end of the staff that was in his hand, and touched the flesh and the unleavened cakes; and there rose up fire out of the rock, and consumed the flesh and the unleavened cakes. Then the angel of the LORD departed out of his sight.

-For absolutely no reason, the angel sets a rock on fire with a staff, then disappears. He might as well have went "Ta Daaaa!"



6:34 But the Spirit of the LORD came upon Gideon, and he blew a trumpet; and Abiezer was gathered after him.





6:37 Behold, I will put a fleece of wool in the floor; and if the dew be on the fleece only, and it be dry upon all the earth beside, then shall I know that thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said.

-I thought I made it clear about not tempting the Lord? Gideon still looking for convincing magic tricks from the Big Guy. Why not get something out of your demands for magic tricks? Why not say "If thou can make a stuffed crust pepperoni pizza appear with a 2 liter of mountain dew... then I will know thou wilt save Israel."



7:7 And the LORD said unto Gideon, By the three hundred men that lapped will I save you, and deliver the Midianites into thine hand: and let all the other people go every man unto his place.

-God decides Gideon's army is too big for an impressive victory, so he makes them all drink water and the 300 that "lapped water like a dog" become the new army.



Gideon's masterful plan is to split his 300 men into 3 groups, arm them with trumpets and glass containers, and then surround the enemy, blow the trumpets, break the glasses, and shout "The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon!"

-Sun Tzu be damned, Gideon and his brass section are the true tacticians.



Gideon dies and "much whoring" takes place.



9:9 But the olive tree said unto them, Should I leave my fatness, wherewith by me they honour God and man, and go to be promoted over the trees?

9:10 And the trees said to the fig tree, Come thou, and reign over us.

9:11 But the fig tree said unto them, Should I forsake my sweetness, and my good fruit, and go to be promoted over the trees?

9:12 Then said the trees unto the vine, Come thou, and reign over us.

-If someone can explain this to me, it would just be a delight. Trees... just randomly start talking to each other. If symbolic or a metaphor, it is so poorly done that the message is completely lost. Perhaps they were conspiring as to whether or not to attack Saruman at his wizardly tower.



9:53 And a certain woman cast a piece of a millstone upon Abimelech's head, and all to brake his skull.

9:54 Then he called hastily unto the young man his armourbearer, and said unto him, Draw thy sword, and slay me, that men say not of me, A women slew him. And his young man thrust him through, and he died.

-Kill me quick! I don't want the guys at the office to know a woman bested me. Dynamite sexism there, Bible.



The children sin again and God is fed up with it.

10:13 Yet ye have forsaken me, and served other gods: wherefore I will deliver you no more.

10:14 Go and cry unto the gods which ye have chosen; let them deliver you in the time of your tribulation.

-"Why don't you go tell your new best friend your problems," says God, while sulking in the corner.



Jephthah (worst name ever) makes a deal with God that if he helps him slaughter the Ammonites, he will sacrifice the first person who "comes from his house to greet him." So God kills, and Jephthah's daughter is lucky enough to be the one to greet him first. So she "goes up and down the mountains bewailing her virginity" for 2 months (you'd think she'd just use those 2 months to go get laid) and then Jephthah kills her and sacrifices her as promised.

-I guess no last minute Abraham/Isaac rescue this time, eh Lord?



12:6 Then said they unto him, Say now Shibboleth: and he said Sibboleth: for he could not frame to pronounce it right. Then they took him, and slew him at the passages of Jordan: and there fell at that time of the Ephraimites forty and two thousand.

-LOL. I guess this is akin to having black people say "ask" and "ambulance" and then killing them when they inevitably "axe" for that "amba-lance."



13:9 And God hearkened to the voice of Manoah; and the angel of God came again unto the woman as she sat in the field: but Manoah her husband was not with her.

-Husbands are never around when angels come unto women and make them pregnant. (Joke goes to SkepAnnotBib)



SAMSON WAS BORN

-Hell yeah, now we're getting into the good stuff. Samson, the Biblical Chuck Norris who looked like Fabio, bursts into this world with a roundhouse kick through his mom's uterus.



Fabio tells his parents to go get him that fine piece of ass who "pleases him well" so he can make her his wife. Then a random lion appears and Samson goes "I ain't impressed" and drop a Hogan Leg Drop on him.





Samson poses a terrible riddle to some people, claiming that if they can't solve it within 7 days, they have to give him 30 sheets and 30 garments. They panic and consider burning down his wife's family's house. His wife weeps and tells them the answer so Samson calls her a "heifer" and:

14:19 And the Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he went down to Ashkelon, and slew thirty men of them, and took their spoil, and gave change of garments unto them which expounded the riddle. And his anger was kindled, and he went up to his father's house.

14:20 But Samson's wife was given to his companion, whom he had used as his friend.

-That's right. He kills 30 random people, steals their stuff and gives it to the people who solved his riddle. Then he gives his cow of a wife to his buddy.



Then he tries to make a booty call on the wife he gave away and the father-in-law says he already gave the wife to someone else since he thought Samson hated her. So Samson gets pissed and decides to take revenge on the Philistines (why??) by catching 300 foxes, lighting their tails on fire and setting them loose in Philistine cornfields.

So the Philistines get pissed and kill the father-in-law and the cow wife (why?) Samson's own people tie him up for being a dick, so he goes all Super Saiyan, breaks the ropes, and kills 1000 people with the jawbone of a donkey, then gets thirsty so the Lord makes water flow from the jawbone for him to drink."





-Let's all just take a minute and let that all sink in. Moral guidebook, indeed.



16:1 Then went Samson to Gaza, and saw there an harlot, and went in unto her.

-Why is this information in the Bible? The Lord wanted us to know that Samson liked hookers?



Then Samson sleeps with a chick named Delilah, who is being paid to find out Samson's weakness (how do they know he has a weakness?). So she blatantly asked him what his weakness is. He says:

16:7 If they bind me with seven green withs that were never dried, then shall I be weak, and be as another man.

So she binds him with green withs and says "Surprise, it was a trap! The Philistines are upon you now." ... and he breaks free of them and laughs. And she's like:

16:10 Behold, thou hast mocked me, and told me lies: now tell me, I pray thee, wherewith thou mightest be bound.

16:11 And he said unto her, If they bind me fast with new ropes that never were occupied, then shall I be weak, and be as another man.

-This continues, with Delilah going "AHA we've got you now!" and Samson going "Nope, I was just kidding." and she immediately goes "Ahh man, seriously, what's your weakness? Don't you love me?"

-Until he ACTUALLY tells her his weakness, a shaved head, then falls asleep in her lap. So of course they shave him, capture him, and bring him to be sacrificed to their god, so he asks the Lord for the strength to go all terrorist on their asses and brings the house down, killing himself and 3000 people. What kind of building is held up by 2 pillars?





I'm going to post the next piece in its entirety, or else it will seem like I'm making it up.

19:24 Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you: but unto this man do not so vile a thing.

19:25 But the men would not hearken to him: so the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning: and when the day began to spring, they let her go.

19:26 Then came the woman in the dawning of the day, and fell down at the door of the man's house where her lord was, till it was light.

19:27 And her lord rose up in the morning, and opened the doors of the house, and went out to go his way: and, behold, the woman his concubine was fallen down at the door of the house, and her hands were upon the threshold.

19:28 And he said unto her, Up, and let us be going. But none answered. Then the man took her up upon an ass, and the man rose up, and gat him unto his place.

19:29 And when he was come into his house, he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel.

-(From SkepAnnoBible) After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they "abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep. The Levite puts her body on an ass and takes it home. Then he chops the body up into twelve pieces (while still alive?) and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of Israel.

-All of this was to "wake people up" and to get them to take action.



So the Israelites gather for war against the Benjamites and the mob who abused the concubine (and not against the guy who chopped her into pieces strangely). God says Judah and his clan should go first in the war against the Benamites... and 22,000 of Judah's clan get slaughtered.

So they ask God again for guidance and he says "yeah sure, try again," and 18,000 more Israelites were killed in an epic fail.

So they go back and say to God "what the Bleep is your deal?" and he's like "alright, THIS time you'll win, I'm super serious." And the Israelites prevail.



20:48 And the men of Israel turned again upon the children of Benjamin, and smote them with the edge of the sword, as well the men of every city, as the beast, and all that came to hand: also they set on fire all the cities that they came to.

-They pay back a mob of people who sexually abused a concubine... by killing every child from the cities the men came from. Makes sense to me.



But now since all the Benjamite women and children had just been killed, there were no wives for the 600 Benjamite men that survived and became slaves. So the Israelites go "hey, the Jabeshgilead people didn't show up to our concubine war meetings, let's go kill them and take their virgin women!"

21:10 And the congregation sent thither twelve thousand men of the valiantest, and commanded them, saying, Go and smite the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead with the edge of the sword, with the women and the children.

21:11 And this is the thing that ye shall do, Ye shall utterly destroy every male, and every woman that hath lain by man.

21:12 And they found among the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead four hundred young virgins, that had known no man by lying with any male: and they brought them unto the camp to Shiloh, which is in the land of Canaan.

-So now they've found 400 virgins for the 600 Benjamite men, but they still need 200 more. So they:



21:20 Therefore they commanded the children of Benjamin, saying, Go and lie in wait in the vineyards;

21:21 And see, and, behold, if the daughters of Shiloh come out to dance in dances, then come ye out of the vineyards, and catch you every man his wife of the daughters of Shiloh, and go to the land of Benjamin.

-Yep. Go kidnap the women of Shiloh while they're dancing. Problem solved.





Ah, the Bible. Teaching us for 2000 years that when faced with a dilemma... genocide, kidnapping, pedophilia, slavery, and animal sacrifices will fix things in a pinch.

can a mod please change the title to read 'of the bible'.

Joshua takes over management of Moses' "Iron Fist of God" war company, complete with a bluetooth headset on speed dial to God.



Joshua sends spies to Jericho to spy on them... so they "take refuge" in the house of a prostitute named Rahab.



3:17 And the priests that bare the ark of the covenant of the LORD stood firm on dry ground in the midst of Jordan, and all the Israelites passed over on dry ground, until all the people were passed clean over Jordan.

-The ground rises up so that the people can cross the Jordan river without getting their socks soggy. The Nazis were then intercepted by Indiana Jones who then... no wait, that's not right.



5:13 And it came to pass, when Joshua was by Jericho, that he lifted up his eyes and looked, and, behold, there stood a man over against him with his sword drawn in his hand: and Joshua went unto him, and said unto him, Art thou for us, or for our adversaries?

5:14 And he said, Nay; but as captain of the host of the LORD am I now come. And Joshua fell on his face to the earth, and did worship, and said unto him, What saith my Lord unto his servant?

5:15 And the captain of the LORD's host said unto Joshua, Loose thy shoe from off thy foot; for the place whereon thou standest is holy. And Joshua did so.

-Joshua pretty much believes anything anyone says ever. Then the Lord's captain tells him to take his shoes off... the punishment for refusing your brother's wife if I remember correctly.






The Lord says that if you want me to topple the walls of Jericho, you must have seven priests take seven ram horns and walk around the city seven times on the seventh day, then blow the horns.

-Nothing like arbitrary patterns and rituals to make the ridiculous seem miraculous.

"How could someone have brought that pigeon back to life?"

"Well, they danced for 10 days and 10 nights and ordered a 10 piece Chicken McNugget combo while playing 10 degrees of Kevin Bacon with their friend Diez."

"Oh, well that makes sense."








The Lord commands that only Rahab the prostitute shall be spared from the slaughter, for helping his spies earlier.

-So this hooker is the only person in Jericho worth saving? Are we to believe that every single person murdered in the 100 or so cities the Lord invades is soulless and evil?

"Well they didn't worship the correct God."

-How could they? God only recently started talking to a select few people and instead of trying to convince his "children" of his existence, he opts for the much more entertaining "massacre them all without giving them a chance."



6:19 But all the silver, and gold, and vessels of brass and iron, are consecrated unto the LORD: they shall come into the treasury of the LORD.

-Notice he doesn't say "for the people of the Lord" or "the Lord's followers," he says "this omnipotence isn't gonna pay for itself, bitches... make money papers, my new album drops this summer from my band Savior Self."



6:21 And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword.

-God's 31st genocide.



Joshua tells his posse to take a handful of dudes and go kill the people of Ai. They fail and get turned away. So Josh is like "What up, God? I'm trying to kill in your name and you're being a dick about it."

And God is like "Yo dude, I said not to take the 'accursed thing' and you took the 'accursed thing' ..." and rambled on for 8 more paragraphs about this "accursed thing."

So Joshua takes the family of the guy who apparently took the "accursed thing" and stones them to death.



God (the master in tactical warfare) lays out an ambush plan... instead of just... you know... using his powers as God and destroying them. Through trickery and ambush, they overcome the people of Ai (which, according to historians was already ancient ruins during the time of this battle).







10:12 Then spake Joshua to the LORD in the day when the LORD delivered up the Amorites before the children of Israel, and he said in the sight of Israel, Sun, stand thou still upon Gibeon; and thou, Moon, in the valley of Ajalon.

10:13 And the sun stood still, and the moon stayed, until the people had avenged themselves upon their enemies. Is not this written in the book of Jasher? So the sun stood still in the midst of heaven, and hasted not to go down about a whole day

-While killing some more people, Joshua asked God to make the sun and the moon stand still. But since we now know science, does this mean that the Lord stopped the Earth from rotating? Then later, did he start it spinning again?

-And why did they need the sun AND the moon? Does that mean the Lord also made the moon stop revolving around the Earth? Wouldn't that have messed with the gravitational pull, the tides, the climate, and the axis of Earth's rotation?







God has Joshua kill every living being in the cities of Makkedah, Libnah, Lachish, Gezer, Eglon, Hebron, Debir, and so on and so on until 22 kingdoms had been completely massacred down to the last child. And all this simply because the people of Israel are the "people of God," not because any of those kingdoms were notoriously ruthless or vile.

-This isn't the game Risk... you can't just take over land cause you think you deserve to have it. Anyone that's seen war, imagine how bad it was, then imagine that you had to take a sword and kill defenseless, crying women and children just because your boss said so.



Joshua then divvies up the land among his people and the Bible rambles on for pages about who got what and where the borders of random places resided.



Joshua dies. Punch and pie were served.