₦airaland Forum

Romanoff:
That's what I'm saying. If you have that same friendship with a woman, there's already love in that friendship. It is not the kind of love that makes you want to shag them, else you'd be shagging all your friends, male and female.

It's attraction that makes you have sexual feelings for someone and that should come after friendship.

I was friends with my husband for two years, in those two years, he had two other women he dated, I was trying to fix a dead relationship that wasn't fixable till we decided to give ourselves a try. Remember we were already friends.

We dated for three months and in those three months, the attraction and chemistry was wild, so wild I was wondering where it came from. That attraction and chemistry is still very much alive.

Friendship builds a foundation for your marriage. It isn't that enough to enter a relationship just cause you're attracted to someone, that foundation is shaky as hell.

Be their friend first.

I don't have friends I have sexual feelings towards.

Phew!!! ......................Thank God, I am straight.

Neither do I want to have the kind of love (or attraction) I have for my friends for anyone I marry (if I do).

Any girl that is like a friend to me, will remain a friend to me.

If I was to marry, then she would have to be attractive to me from the first time I see her, we will build chemistry, we will be compatible and then we can form a strong bond that can be described as "friendship" (but will probably be stronger than that).

Saying I would marry a girl who is my friend and not someone I have serious attraction to (from the beginning) is a recipe for failure especially when the demand is that it is only her I look at sexually till I die. That expectation alone is already something that seems destined to fail. There are many girls I just find damn sexy and I see everyday.

Maybe women can do it like that (aka friendship), but most of the men that tell you that they can operate that way are bloody liars or have low confidence in themselves to attract an attractive woman, hence settle. I guarantee you that.

You don't want either type of men except you like playing the lottery or you have low confidence too and are willing to settle.

ImaIma1:
After all this your "most people that marry are not intellectually or emotionally-independent", you will still get married. And then you will realize that all you wrote there is just a product of lack of understanding of the institution of marriage.

Please don't place a bet on me joining the institution.

ImaIma1:
In fact, to have a good marriage, both have to be whole and complete on their own and not dependent on the other for their emotions or intellect. Do people become partners in a business because they are weak or because they want to share ideas and collaborate for better results?

Many successful businessmen don't have partners. They are whole and complete on their own. Anywhere they lack, they hire temporary contractors, not get a partner.

ImaIma1:
Marriage doesn't fail, people do. Afterall, it is people who make up the marriage. You can't expect someone with a faulty upbringing, distorted mindset/mentality to have a good marriage. It's not magic, neither is it rocket science. Marriage is for strong people. If you are weak mentally, emotionally, you will either struggle or opt out.

When a venture is unworkable and is treated like an "entity", it fails.

NEPA fails.

Nigerian Government fails.

Nigeria Premier League fails.

The bolded ending just shows the typical desperate and illogical ways [mostly] women love to promote marriage. This is done not because they have some secret knowledge, argument or evidence that marriage works or how it will work, but instead because they see marriage as a vehicle of tackling their insecurities and their fear of being alone.

I stated it here:

https://www.nairaland.com/6298872/ever-regretted-being-married-partner/10#96794209

Marriage is for strong people? ..........................Total nonsense.

So Mandela is not strong mentally and emotionally? Dangote is not strong? Fidel Castro is not strong? Napoleon Bonaparte is not strong? Na the miserably married people wey stay for marriage and sing at your church that are strong?

You are just using such nonsense statements to hide your fears and insecurities while striving to promote marriage for your benefit at all cost.

cococandy:
Lofty dreams. That’s why many of you are currently frustrated

Of course na!

The dreams of both sexes are not aligned and are both lofty dreams. Exactly my point!

That is why marriage never works despite women wanting, loving and always promoting marriage.

I would even say women are more frustrated because they have so much deluded belief in their own lofty dreams.

Tolexander:
The universal GOAT has done it again.

Scoring 15 league goals for 15 consecutive league seasons isn’t a child’s play. Only The Ronaldo can do this and he has just done it

Only Penaldo can score so much penalties.

How many goals of Ronaldo were penalties? How many of Bican's were penalties?

When that question is answered, then we will know how far more Penaldo has to go to be the real top scorer in football history.

At the moment I will stick with Bican and Pele for being real goalscorers.

stan83:
[quote IS NOT A SCAM.. FIND YOUR OWN SOULMATE YOU WILL LEAVE HAPPILY, AFTER AND FOREVER.

Total Nonsense!

ImaIma1:
Marriage is not for children or for the selfish. If all you think about is yourself, please stay on your lane and don't frustrate another human being in the name of marriage

If you are a mummy's boy/girl, please mature first before ever thinking of getting married. Don't enter and start expecting mummy to tell you when to kn.....k.

If you think marriage is about the physical attributes, don't be deceived. Knowing how to twerk, lap dance or do the leg work is not enough .

Just be ready mentally before you enter it to avoid "marriage is scam" write ups.

If one is mature, mentally-sound, intellectually and emotionally-independent, they will not engage in marriage in the first place.

Most people that marry are not intellectually or emotionally-independent. They are scared of/worried about being alone or want to follow a tradition because they feel that is society's expectations by a certain age; irrespective of knowing the high failure rates of what they are engaging in.

The marriage institution has a high failure and unhappiness rate. It is a relic of an old and different time; during which it was still a failure anyway.

SweetCunt97:
Tell that to pastor oyakilome

Thank you!

It was a very fooooolish statement.

Omezif:
those who divorce after marriage don't have sense at all, Majorities of them are pagans or eitheists. It's hard to see a trully christian divorce their marriage.

What a purely moronic statement.

salt1:
I've been married for years and I'm enjoying every bit of it. So is my spouse. Marriage is life. It throws up the good, the bad and the ugly. Where people like the op get it wrong is in expecting to have only the good and blame their partners when it's not going that way. Are you happy with your life 24/7? Why put the burden of making you happy on another fragile individual. We share our lives, not endure each other. In seeking to make another person happy, you derive the greatest joy.
I know that this forum is filled with underaged fellows who are screaming baby mama. Nothing beats the joy of sharing your life in a committed relationship to someone who's exclusively yours.

As a woman, yes!

For most men: .....nothing beats the joy of sharing your life with a beautiful woman who's exclusively yours and who will give you the freedom to once in a while have sex with other women you find attractive.

Yampotatocarrot:
Very valid points you raised there. I think the issue is, for some men (I inclusive), we don't actually discuss how our day went or any of those other stuffs... And in cases where we even want to do so, 100 times out of 100, we'll rather do so with male friends than females.

I think it's high time men desist from marriage and leave it for only those who are comfortable enough to discuss their problems, how their day went, their goals, e.t.c. with the opposite sex...

That way, we'll have less of these divorces.

You are very correct.

These people are naïve.

Start discussing too much of your problems or challenges with your woman and these problems/challenges don't end up being ended and in most/a lot of cases she would lose her attraction to you.

She would not even know (nor care) she is doing it. They are built to like winners and success. That's all!

Beze992:
Thank you for this sister!

Like you rightly said, take away sex, there will be nothing left in most marriages. But the irony is that after reading this and probably every other related write ups on marriage, people will still marry for good sex and beauty and for probably who they have absolute control over, the latter is relatable to the male sex. And you wonder why the failure rate is high.
Like I was telling a friend, the truth is the 'Sparks' will certainly die down a bit, and when does, what exactly remains when you're not friends with your spouse, when you both cannot have genuine conversation or even gossip together. How will it survive when most couples have absolutely nothing in common but only got married because of probably physical attractiveness, pretentious humility and financial security. And note, I do not in any way undermine the importance of the latter in marriage.

So when you marry someone you don't find attractive but whom you can have a great conversation and things in common with is when your marriage will survive?

chival:
Incidentally, you see that thing we call romantic love? That "butterflies in the stomach, crazy about you" love? That is the one that unfortunately leads to divorce. It usually comes with crazy and extreme emotions that usually cause problems. Another kind of love - the kind our elderly ones have, is not as sensational as passionte love, but is calmer and more accepting. That's why we see them staying married for 30, 40, 50 years and even longer.

Please can you explain/describe the kind of love "elderly ones" have?

Nenyezz:
I don't know about you, but I love my husband/best friend, and he does too. My marriage will last and we will grow old together.

Almost every dreamy-eye young girl says and [wants to] believe this.

Significantly most times, it ends in misery and tears.

Majority of divorce people have said or believed this at a stage of their relationship, so this is not a concrete point.

Romanoff:
And you think there is no love in friendship?

I have friends and the love I have for them is not the type of love I have for a woman I am highly attracted to.

A friend is just a person I care about and enjoy spending time with. I don't want to shag them.

simplesearch:
As you make your bed so you shall lie on it. Marriage is not a scam, if you read a biology text to answer a physics question you shall fail woefully and must so do. Marriage is honorable in all things but when one or both party refuse to follow the owner's manual, it won't work for you. You start dating from secondary or uni while committing fornication all along, after 2 years the joy is off marriage because of see finish and trust issue that surely must set in everything collapses. Instead of diagnosing yourselves as the root cause of your problem you start shifting the goal post, blaming a time tested institution for your failure instead of repenting and work on yourself. Marriage is not a scam, the scammers are those who refuse to follow due process as highlighted by the one who from the beginning, said 'it is not good for a man to be alone' and that marriage is honorable in all things because two are better than one.
So, if your marriage is sinking because it was built on the sand, you need to turn around and seek for the rock AGES that never fails. In conclusion, instead of opting out and calling it a scam try to look inward and understand where things began to drift, prayerfully seek for divine wisdom and assistance to make it work again.

You mean a time-tested institution that has failed every test since its conception?

Midas01:
In all that you mentioned you omitted the most. Important thing...Love.

You're 100% right but a marriage without love is no marriage at all.

She said you should marry your friend and things like looks, attraction, sex etc. should have minimal priority, so obviously "love" too will, at best, have minimal priority.

Splitmind:
The way people are scrambling to defend this institution all over this thread just exposes it's irrelevance.

Women and Christians love to defend this institution that does not work.

Praxis758:
May God continue to fill the rivers of your knowledge.

You actually defined the mundane qualities that people built their relationship on.

Money is good but won't guarantee a meaniful marriage
Sex is needed but won't add success to the marriage
Physical beauty is the most deceptive
Physical look (tallness, breast, complexion, bumbum, 6 pack etc) may all fade along the journey.

The fading or failure of these aforementioned will definetly breed crisis.

Marrying on conditionless ground with defined purpose will definetly guaranty renewed commitment that will keep the union rolling.


YOUR WISDOM IS APPRECIATED BROTHER.

Like what "purpose"?

Sabadon:
Most people just marry without understanding the institution called marriage. Marriage be like school, if you enter the course without being prepared for it, you ll accumulate carry overs(problems) till you droo out(divorce)

Marriage is not for boys but men.

Marriage is for idiotic men who think marriage makes them a proper, better and superior man.

Romanoff:
This marriage matter.

A lot of people build their marriage on the wrong foundation.

Money, sex, looks, loneliness, desperation and some other mundane reasons.

The best foundation to build a marriage is on friendship and that's why you'll hear marriage counsellors say "marry your friend".

Take away sex from most relationships there will be nothing left, you'll discover the sex isn't even enough to keep it going. Sex that should be the icing on the cake has become the entire cake.

Money that should add spice to the marriage has become the entire food. He must have money, he must have a good car, she must be working and earning her own money etc. Once the money is not there anymore, water done pass garri.

Don't get me started on the Looks part, you'll marry because she has big bumbum and boobs, or because he is tall dark or fair and handsome with a six inch rod. A time will come that all these things won't do it for you anymore.

Marry your friend. That person that comes to your mind when you want to have deep discussions about your dreams, your bad day, your plans, your failures. That person that you will forget about time and keep talking with cause conversation and laughter and joys and tears just comes real.

That is what brings intimacy. The attraction, sex, money, looks all those ones na jara.

My opinion o. So before you mention me and insult me, take note of the fact that it's my opinion, make Thunder no fire you this morning.

Why not just be friends with your friend, why marry them?

alphaconde:
mine is going well

though am messing up big time

however I have made up my mind that whatever my wife does I would forgive her because behind the scenes I have done worse

besides my cute sons don't deserve a broken home.

marriage no be beans

who no get brain make e no try am

Who get brain no go try am in the first place.

Righteousness2:
I Decree the arrest of the woman and the rescue of that kid in JESUS Name.. Amen

Decree you Jesus to tar the road in front of your house first.

Lilpen3758:
When i no dey craze?? why will i take her back? as of fvcking her friend, i never get her time now

Please do shag her friend for me, bruv!!!

MummyD2020:
What if it doesn't happen to him? So there are no more good women out there? Is that how he will keep changing them, for how long? With scarce resources? Time waits for no one. What if she ends up being the breadwinner? Who knows whose health will pack up sooner? When kids come, they need each other to shuffle the job else, d govt will take d kids. But u guys just jump and conclude without having a second thought. What if its ur sister? Will u still advice him to have a rethink? Let's think vastly people!

What about the option of everyone just living their lives? Dating whomever they please instead of this marriage union and co-habiting thing?

Lilpen3758:
Since my "loving gf" broke up with me because of say i travelled and came back empty handed because of the pandemic, i learned my lesson.......Girls no get feelings the way we dey imagine they do and girls always put their self first no matter what

Make sure you never take that bitch back.

If you can fucck her friends, cousins or sisters, please take the opportunity and do!

RealEstatePlus:
Goodevening sir/ma'am.
Why are you doing this?
What do you gain trying to spoil other people's own?
While you want yours to go well?
Well, it's okay, God bless you richly.

Oga, you might not know or realise it, but you or whoever is doing what you are doing is spoiling my own.

There is a reason why anywhere you go in the four corners of the Earth, the black man/race is seen as the lowest and inferior.

Colomentality is a contributor to this.

I don't like going to places in the world (or even while staying in my own), I am seen as an inferior race. China man can even come to my country and say I am not allowed to eat in the restaurant they run because of the colour of my skin.

InvertedHammer:
/
Not true! The court deals with facts presented the right way and that's where the naivety of Nigerian men manifests. I have been in court with women and left them legally bruised. One cried in court when hit with facts, evidence and data. Fight your fight.
/

Continue talking crap!

Leshurr:
If more men adopt this attitude/mindset, the consequences on the future of dating, relationships and marriage would be dastardly.. I fear for the next generation.

'They' (the womanist movement) have destroyed the naturally ordained bond (love) between man and woman - destroying the family unit and making both genders enemies.

Men are increasingly giving up on women.

You too deserve a national award and round of applause for this.

Yamiriflathead:
Nigerian men will Never have Sense
I don't Pity them one bit because they would always see the signs but usually continue in their search for non existent love and completeness from people who are incapable of giving them.
You will imagine an idiot saying "I feel i'm compatible with her". Or " I find completeness in her".
You're a fool, na the same time Dem born una two?
You went through primary secondary and tertiary institution all by yourself without bothering about unicorns and suddenly someone u just met is so important that without her you can't find completeness?
This is Simping and bluepilledness
That's bullshit man, you can only find compatibility with yourself, any other forms of compatibility and search for unicorns soulmates, the right one will always bring you premium tears like the idiot of a man in the OP's story as well as death like tunde Thomas.
Nobody dey gree say e woman na devil until Dem don show you pepper, by that time you go kom confirm.
Tunde Thomas would never have believed his wife was capable of what she did.
He once sought completeness in her, she was once amongst the rare 10% of good women out there.
To Simps, every woman is amongst the rare 10% of wife materials and it's not "their portion that their wife or gf is amongst the 90% of women with terrible attitudes.
That's why you see them saying stuffs like "there are good women but they are rare" or "make money and look for a good wife". This is how SIMPING starts because women are professional pretenders
Men who seek for love, completeness, compatibility and other abstract things in a woman deserve to die of heart attack like tunde Thomas

You deserve a national honour and round of applause.