₦airaland Forum

mukina2:
a poem to steal your heart

Within the first few moments
 I knew I was yours
Within the first few hours
 I embraced your sweet kiss.
Every second after that first
 I dream of you.
Every day passing that first
 I hope to spend with you.
True love dreams do come true
 The dream I have to live with you.
True hope of everlasting love
 With the promises made after just the first hug.
With all that I have
 I am willing to give.
I promise you this
 My first true love shall be my last.

Hmm, Princess. . .

Is this a licence to get jealous?

@ bigmac (Is that a big or small M?) It's nice to see you back.
@ Franc,

Violators will be shot,
Survivors will be shot again.

That reminds of someone. LOL

@ Nilla. . .

Well, bless your noble heart.

Shall we open the dance floor?

saintsam:
It seems guys are more poetic than babes.So far have not seen a ladies poem.But for the guys,I have notice that all your poems are love,love,love.Please lets try somethn else.like this poem about africa.check it out ya all.

I beg to disagree with you, saintsam. In case you haven't noticed, somegirl, ChiluvGod and Nilla are all babes. And they have all put up poems.

And there are just a few poems here on love - I can only recollect one (perhaps you can show me the others?).

Your poems are a bit long. Perhaps you'd like to shorten them a bit? That might make them easier to read. I make these submissions with all due respect to your person.

Bhola:
Genial, how you dey?

Hello Bhola. Long time no see.

This is for nilla
Something 'bout her like vanilla
Sweeet silent soul, speaks not much
She's either graceful or she is such.

Something flowing 'bout her name
Something soft spoken like beauty mane
He be blessed that know'th her worth
May he die that breaks her heart

Something 'bout her makes me twirll
She awwws like a little girl
I wish I could kiss that face
But she's nilla from cyber-space!

Title: None
Comments: Quite good. Consistent rhyming at the ends of the sentences. Good punctuation. The sentence "something soft spoken like beauty mane" begs to be understood, though. The use of the expression "He be blessed that know'th her worth" and "May he die that breaks her heart" is an elegant use of antithesis, though the rhyming is somewhat lost.

Rating: 3.5

Slave sons
Need we speak of a motherland
Wringling rights out from our hands
Enriching the bellies of cunning bands
Turning us strangers in our own land.

Title: Slave sons. Promising title, but the poem seems to be the first verse of the whole.
Imagery: Moderately vivid. Right away, one can see what the author is talking about. It uses personification - "bellies of cunning bands", metonymy - "speak of a motherland, wringing  rights out from our hands". It uses conventional rhyming, no alliterations. Quite straightforward. Not much to think about there. Good work.

Rating: 3.0

saintbeng:
Have you forgotten one u read sometime ago. It's a short parable of the sower.

Need they know that a breeded seed
Seeds not but what they breed
And when desperately in need
Smiles back at them to feed.

Title: None
Imagery: non-descriptive

Comments: Fair. Not overly descriptive, not complex. Struggles to pass its meaning across, but it's ultimately a pretty clear what the writer is trying to say. No alliteration, simile or metaphor is employed.
It appears the poem is about a seed and how it's a repository of food - it is sown, grows and is eaten again. It is assumed that "they" in the poem refers to the planters of the seed. It could also refer to birds, pests, or indeed any other beneficiary of the seeds fruitfulness. The grammatical correctness of "breeded" is also questionable.

Rating (out of 5): 2.0

We may wish discuss the passage in some detail, analysing each sentence in turn or, in longer passages, significant sentences in respect of content and style.

Features to be commented on include its structure and the form of the verses, rhyme and metre, symbolism, contrast, personification, the use of simile and metaphor, and punctuation.

We may also wish to conclude whether the poet/poetess has been able to effectively utilise imagery. Also, how appropriate do you think the title is?

Poem: Toni
Author: Franc1982

" Toni "

it's colourfully beautiful to watch the sunsets,
reflect while birds return to their nests,
walk while the moon glows,
bask in the company of solitude,
'because you miss a friend,
a wonderful kind.

just like poetry,
our perceptions create an alluring ambiance within.

these lines,
a reflection of a naturalistic desire,
flies so high on the wings of your thought,
your voice,consideration and care,
an elixir,
that type centered around the fondness of you.

just like tulip,
so beautiful and never lacks admiration.

that's how a union is,
how it should be,
a true definition of friendship,
what i think we are,
an institution of humane minds,
a dedication to you.

just like graphics,
a whole lot is put into it because it's worth it.

Shall we begin?

_{*You sent me an offline? I've been online all day on my msn. Perhaps you should let me contact you?*}

*Applauds* Good going, judge. Perhaps we shall together analyse all the poems starting from page 1. What say ye?

_{Still thinking of Nilla.}

nilla:
Meanwhile you didnt make any comment on my first ever poem

I'm sorry, darling.

I suppose I should still have commented, even though I felt somegirl and macalurs had done you some degree of justice with their comments.

I think it was a really good first attempt. I also love your unabashed declaration of love for the motherland.

Good one.

Has that by any chance straightened the furrows of displeasure on your forehead?

nilla:
your the poet. you should answer what you want it to be due to. i think i will be fine with either.

and now I'm thinking somebody else should judge "Nilla", "Madre" and "Deja vu", because i wont be fair

And now I'm thinking of Nilla.

Ok, Monister. I apologise.

You probably wanted to use the characters ". . .", and it was converted to ",".

nilla:
ok what is it due to?

You know what I think of Nilla, and effect she has on [i]man[/i]kind. What do you think it's due to?

Better still, what would you have it due to?

_{Wipe your tears, Princess. It will be well.}

monister:
Tribute

Mother though you're gone,
Thoughts of you are ever fresh in me,
I still hear your loving voice,
Feel your tender touch,
It feels like you're still there,
Till realization hits me,
And I discover you've been snatched by death
as it slowly ate you
While I stood helpless
The night before I remember you say goodnight
as if you knew it was to be the last
Adieu Adieu dear mum:
Though you're gone, I know you watch me
Up there in the Grandstands,
As I run the race of life.
Soon we shall be together never to part again
Till then,

Quite emotional, Monister. Was that an error?

nilla:
Misery be gone. you succeeded. it wasnt a failed attempt.
Are you feeling better now .

Yes indeed, thank you.

Though whether that is due to your reply or to the cyber kiss is another question entirely.

nilla:
Beauty? lets leave that for the beholder

I am the beholder.

That is the essence of the poem. It attempts to show you a picture of words. As far as the poem is concerned, I know Nilla more than anyone else (including yourself).

Are you saying that I have not succeeded in making you think of Nilla as a great beauty or [for the male] have I not succeeded in making you wish for a more informal (and perhaps more intimate) rendezvous with her?

If I did not succeed in doing that, then the objective of the poem is lost. It was a failed attempt.

Now put me out of my misery, Nilla. Did I succeed?

nilla:
who's breasts are you talking about

Nilla's.

How did the reverend Paul of "the fighting temptations" put it? Let's see. . .

They know how to make a man say "Amen!" when he's at home.

By the way, the next sentence also refers to the same part of the anatomy.

Nilla's a beaut, isn't she?

nilla:
so you want me to judge "Nilla" "Madre" and "Deja Vu"

Yes, please.

Thank you.

nilla:
Genial
i like everything about it. but just wondering what this line means: Twin peaks alluring, so very turgid

That was a description of the breasts. _{I shouldn't have to tell you this, you know.}

"Madre" and "Deja vu" i will comment on later.
Genial are you sure you don't want to put in one to compete with those two?

All in good time, senorita. Methinks those two were in response to my Nilla.

I like this, Macalurs.

But those eyes stare like royalty, who is she?
Who could she be? A queen? A warriors widow?

She's under my tree; still in my arms, still beautiful. Still out.
But who is she? I wipe her face. SUCH CONCEALED RADIANCE!

"My name is Nigeria" . . .

Good job.

LOL, Franc! Are you also a comedian, as well as an accomplished poet?

Thanks, by the way.

Nilla? Your attention is needed here quickly!

You always smile in my minds eye.
That's how I see you, Nilla.


Can you critique the poem, please?

I'd like you to show me the picture it paints in your mind, how effectively I have communicated my thoughts, and what exactly you like about it.

There you go again.
Your smile makes me warm.

LOL.

Ok.

_{I love it when you smile.}

No. It was a gift.

I don't know another Nilla, Nilla.

My pleasure.

Waiting to hear what you have to say, judge.

macalurs:
Genial boo, welcome to franks thread

But hey I'll give you that one. I liked it.

Thanks Macalurs.



       Nilla

Thanks Nilla. I love the way you make your point.

Somegirl? ChiluvGod?

Er, where's the judge? Nilla? Somegirl?