₦airaland Forum

Let's put sentiment apart vote Ribadu/Adeola for president/vice president

where is d joke?

Thank God we have Dele Belgore who is the most credible candidate. Vote Belgore, vote all ACN Candidates.

when u wake up from ur slumber tell me.

Clap for ur self

One day, an Old lady went to the Bank of Canada with a large bag full of money. The old lady insisted to speak to the president of the Bank in order to open a savings account because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many discussions an employee took her along to the office of the president. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She answered him $865,000 while putting the money on his desk. Curious, he asked her how she succeeded in saving such a lot of money.
The old lady answered him that she made bets. The president quite surprised asked her “which kind of bets?” The old lady answered him “for example, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square. The president started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible to win! Then, the old lady replied would you like to make this a bet?
“Certainly answered the president, I guarantee you $25,000 that my testicles are not square. The old lady thus said to him: “I agree. But given the importance of the implied sum, I will come back tomorrow at 10AM with my lawyer as witness if you don’t see any inconvenience”. “No problem “said the president of the Bank very trustfully. That evening, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of his mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all directions, again and again, in order to make sure that his damned testicles could not be seen as square and therefore to be sure to win this bet.
On the next day, 10AM sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the office of the president to confirm the bet of $25,000 for the fact that his testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was in agreement with the commitments taken the day before.
The old lady thus asked him to drop his trousers, and the remainder, so that she and her lawyer can see everything, which the president kindly did. The old lady then came closer to see and asked him whether she could touch them or not.”Of course do!” said the president to her, given the fact that there is so much money involved, you must be 100% sure. And the lady started to do so with a smile. …,
The president then noticed that the lawyer was striking his head against the wall. He asked the old lady why the lawyer was reacting like that. She answered: “It is probably due to the fact that I bet $100,000 with him that, around 10AM, I would be holding the testicles of the president of the Bank of Canada in my Hands!

what a pity!

Good job, keep it up

This is the original version of the joke

> Be careful who you tell your secrets!
>
> Three pastors took a day off and decided to go fishing after a busy
> Sunday.
> They agreed it's so difficult preaching to people all the time and no one
> preaches to them.
>
> Sitting by the river with little response from the hooks, one pastor
> thought
> of sharing his heart with others.
>
> He said: "guys its rare to get such an opportunity to be among ourselves
> like this. It would be good if we look into our lives and help each other
> with our weaknesses".
>
> They all agreed to this. This pastor said: "Gentlemen I need help! The
> people in my church give a lot of money every week. I started taking
> little
> by little but
> now I take a big chunk. I can't stop stealing from the church please pray
> for me. The day they will find out I will be fired"!
>
> The other pastor said: "brothers your sins are better than mine! I have
> slept with every woman in the church including married women. As I preach
> my eyes hover over the congregation looking for the next prey. If this is
> discovered people will not fire me, they will kill me!"
>
> The last pastor's feet were shaking as they were talking. They thought he
> had a big story to tell. He stood up and said: "My brothers my problem is
> gossip, there is nothing I hear that I don't tell everyone! In fact I
> can't
> sit anymore. I have to share this with the congregation! I will be back!
> *Regards

this is my joke, i will sue u for copyright

Thanks every body, more jokes on the way

> Three pastors took a day off and decided to go fishing after a busy
> Sunday.
> They agreed it's so difficult preaching to people all the time and no one
> preaches to them.
>
> Sitting by the river with little response from the hooks, one pastor
> thought
> of sharing his heart with others.
>
> He said: "guys its rare to get such an opportunity to be among ourselves
> like this. It would be good if we look into our lives and help each other
> with our weaknesses".
>
> They all agreed to this. This pastor said: "Gentlemen I need help! The
> people in my church give a lot of money every week. I started taking
> little
> by little but
> now I take a big chunk. I can't stop stealing from the church please pray
> for me. The day they will find out I will be fired"!
>
> The other pastor said: "brothers your sins are better than mine! I have
> slept with every woman in the church including married women. As I preach
> my eyes hover over the congregation looking for the next prey. If this is
> discovered people will not fire me, they will kill me!"
>
> The last pastor's feet were shaking as they were talking. They thought he
> had a big story to tell. He stood up and said: "My brothers my problem is
> gossip, there is nothing I hear that I don't tell everyone! In fact I
> can't
> sit anymore. I have to share this with the congregation! I will be back!
> *Regards

Thanks jare

Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves you, It's only when u leave her a virgin.

Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When you are NOT responsible 4 both!

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when Mating. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted Salty?!

Why is it that a girl looks down when u say I love u?
To see if u really mean it!

Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today, tomorrow you have to do it again.

Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.

Wife: My hubby & I have what he calls Olympic-Sex.
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.

The stock markets now are like an old man's dick? Just refusing to rise and the irony is that everyone is still getting bleeped!


The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls.
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to: Hang Till Death!

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.

What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of a standing cock.

If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get? Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's underwear? Banana split.

What's the diff between a bomb n a condom?
In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.

nice one, keep it up

A married businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.
He spent the night with her but before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him and promised to have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 instead and enclosed the following type-written note:

"Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:

"Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."

i will equip myself next time

every thing na joke pls laugh and forget ur stress

thanks

ok

Thanks, more jokes on the way

A young Man goes into a pharmacy and asks the Pharmacist, hello, could you give me a condom. My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me.
The Pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is going out, he returns and tells him: Give me another condom because my girlfriend‘s sister is cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she is expecting something from me too. The Pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says. After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend’s Mom is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes allusions …….and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting something from me!!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister facing him and the Mom on his right. When the Dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying. “ Dear lord, bless this dinner …………, thank you for all you give to us………!! A minute later the boy is still praying. “Thank you lord for your kindness …….”Ten minutes, and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others looked at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others.
She gets close to the boy and whispers in his ear: I didn’t know you were so religious, and the boy said I didn’t I don’t know your Dad was a Pharmacist

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was. She responded, "It's my wash cloth." Weeks later, after, the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.
The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it."

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth. ,

A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."

Thanks, watch out 4 more jokes

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks t he drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.' By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time! he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicki ng his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,





'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's perfect.'
, na so fight take start!

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story listened to her prayer which she ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa.'
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye grandpa?'
The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to say.'
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and Good-bye Grandma.'
The next day the grandmother died.
'Oh my gosh' thought the father, 'this kid is in contact with the other side.'

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.'
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife asked, 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'
He said, 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'
She replied, 'you think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the gardener dropped dead in our backyard while I was watching!
WHO'S THE DADDY?

That's a good begining, keep it up

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

Her Grandmother passed out immediately

Are u serious at all? u post a topic and u give multiple repy to it . nawa o

so u no say na mental people dey go Yaba Apa Osi, e be like say ur head don dey correct small, small, wake up and stop abusing yoruba girls. Abi awon loko ba o ni