Kinda escaped death by the whiskers there,the immense sweat that accrued itself while i was under the duress of getting burned eased itself nd my thermo scale dropped nd i became cool once more..

They freed me nd like a lost soul i wandered about as usual like a compass with no bearing,i was exhausted nd all so i could only drag my feet on the dry nd dusty road..the angry mob had drained my energy nd i had become thirsty nd hungry.

It was getting dim nd dark,nd i could see a long queue awkwardly positioned on the side of the road,most of em were showing off their skins nd then the thought occurred to me,; they were prostitutes or better still night crawlers, nd guys were even among them (so man sef dey do ashawo work tufiakpa God forbid bad tin) I started raining curses on them all, particularly the young chaps among them..

While i was busy cursing nd raining insult on em,an idea just popped up in my bald brain,nd i said to myself (why not be an ashawo for a day),i seriously tot of the idea of being a skin vendor for a night nd also the prickly insult i had poured on them, but since i was left with no choice i thought it best to be an ashawo for dat night nd make a quick earning..

I joined the long queue nd waited patiently for a customer to call me,but after waiting for almost three hours i was starting to get tired nd really pissed off,others in the queue had been called nd there i was standing pitiful with tears about to roll down from my moisty eyes.

I was the fat sort with a desert encroachment invading my head, so who go won fvck me,all the others had seen one or two customers but i was still the only one standing with no one to call me,na then i know say i no fine @ all, coz if i fine i for don see customer call me asap..

While hoping nd praying that someone calls me,a eighty year old lady with no molars nd pre molars walked up to me nd gave me a pat on the back,i tot she wanted me to excuse her coz i was blocking her path or something else but instead she asked me how much i would take for a night out with her, na then i know say ashawo no be work..

she was older than my great grand mother nd her skin were all frail nd saggy,,if i should av intercourse with this fragile thing even the gods would be angry with me.

Na die be this oh,how i go nail this kind personz,the old nd fragile lady insisted that i name a price but my conscience wouldn't nail her coz if i were doing it nd she passed out wetin i go talk say happen.

So i had to let the thought flee off.....................thank God they didn't make warri the federal capital territory coz if it had been the capital territory tinz for don spoil..

Before i could mutter out( OBASANJO OLE) the angry mob were all over me,pelting me with stones and all sort of throwables nd disposables...i felt devastated and all..

They converged nd came to the conclusion that they were going to make a human toast out of my velvet skin,i pleaded with them and told them it was just a chicken, but someone cut me short by saying,that was how ANENIH started out, so i had no option but to keep mute.

I later got to know that the said chicken wasn't even whole, it had a severed leg thus making it incomplete, so na wetin dey won burn me for be this;an incomplete fowl...I DON DIE..

I became all sweaty nd shaky,my limbs became sore nd my breath hastened itself for no reason...so na like this i go die..
The mobs eyes veered from one direction to the other as if in search of something,then the thought flashed right through me,they were searching for a wrecked up tire with which to roast ME..

They searched endlessly for one but couldn't get,then i eased my self up,since they couldn't find a tire that means they have no means of burning me,but before I could say HALLELUYAH to God for making a wrecked up tire such a rare thing to find, someone raised up his filthy hands nd said he has a tire to donate..

You should have seen the tire,it wasn't the regular wheels on mini cars,na dangote tire the idiot donate sey make dem use burn me,and a new one for that matter,with the wrapper nd all still intact,about five hefty men from the crowd pulled the huge tire towards me.

It was towards the end of the subsidy protest nd all, so petrol was pretty scarce back then so they opted for diesel,I even tried to convince them that diesel won't do a perfect job of burning me due to my coarse skin,they should instead lemme go never to come back again, but they insisted on making a french toast out of me..

Then a fierce looking woman donated the match box with which they were gonna light up my dear life,but something just surged up in my brain,an idea came up,the sort with mathematical precision nd accuracy.

I asked for one last wish and they thought it wise to grant me my wish. I called on the man who owned the heavy duty tire nd gave out a soft laugh right up to his face,i told him how stupid he was to have donated a fibre laced tire of enormous money,i relied heavily on my sugar coated tongue to twist and twirl his mind,i asked him if he knew the market value of what he was about giving out,he replied in the positive nd before he could finish his statement i cut him short mid way,i told him about the intended plan of the federal gov't to place a ban on the importation of tires nd told him that this will lead to a high demand in tires nd a high asking price also.

He bit his index finger nd said chai so na money i won throw away so,he told them he was no longer interested in donating his XXL tire nd the dumb mob felt dissapointed nd i felt happy,(why waste such a big tire on me).

As for the chap who donated the diesel,i just told him that since we were in the subsidy period it was advisable he kept the meagre amount of diesel he had nd not waste it on me,he backed out also..

Warri has taught me how to use my wit nd now have outwitted a preferential part of the mob,they later decided to let me go in the spirit of the subsidy era nd warned me not to fvck up again..

I could feel the deadly fangs of hunger embedded deep in the walls of my stomach,my sac was awry nd doing a protest of it own,I could feel my intestines carrying placards and insisting they want a meal but i had nothing to offer them.
I stood thinking and while thinking i saw a swift shadow run pass some bricks,I thought it might be a cat or goat but it passed again nd to my amazement it was a chicken,the plum sort with loads of feather padded on it body.

I lightened up with joy nd said to my famished self,(lunch has just arrived),I positioned my self at an appropriate angle waiting for the chicken to show up so i would grab it nd twist it neck,i had screened the whole perimeter and compound were the chicken came from nd there was no one in,the doors were locked or i thought so nd this afforded me the needed space to carry out my mischievous act.

But this chicken was one hell of a bird,with it's swift feet nd cuny antics it wasn't gonna be a easy catch,it dribbled me to the extent that i would trip nd fall flat on my face nd made me look helpless,then i arrived at the conclusion that warri livestocks were as smart as their warri owners..this God forsaken chicken was the smartest bird have ever tried to steal but i was determined nd flexed up to catch it.

I took a basket nd decided to catch the bird the old school way,I tried tricking it into a circle but the bird wouldn't just heed,I just kept saying to myself u'v gotta catch this silly bird if u are willing to stay alive for today nd with that surging urge in me i kept the fire burning,

I got two baskets instead nd vowed to catch it this time,I threw the first basket nd it dodged it nd while it dodged the first basket i prep'd up the second basket nd threw it right above it nd it landed right on it,I started dancing azonto nd etighi spiced up with some alanta,I was just too happy that i had caught it at last.

And behind me watching me nd my dance steps was the owner of the chicken,he was around all this while nd just stood at a hidden position looking at me,I couldn't run out through the exit coz he had blocked it,then i knew i was in for some serious jungle justice i just wished it wouldn't surpass dat of the (ALUU FOUR).

I went on my knees nd started begging for leniency but the dude just shrugged his big head nd said no to my pleas before i knew it he had raise his voice nd the whole neighbourhood were all on me (ON TOP WETIN).

All coz of one chicken almost thirty people were all on me swearing and cursing nd i thought to my self if na cow i con try steal nko..

Na u guyz dey ginger me oh...fenks for the encouraging comments nd all......but the truth be say i don dey run out of ideas...just joking.

I just had to let that sour moment i had with the blocks nd cements sail through coz if i choose to zero in my thought on it i might eventually pass out from it.

With fifty naira left with me there was no hope left,I just sit down for floor,while i sat down i reminisced on the past nd those were lovely times though not as lovely as expected but it still surpassed the experience am having here in warri.

Have always hated warri people right from the onset even before i came here,there was this guy back then in my class who always thought he was the real deal coz he was funny,he was stupid nd really dumb, his name was Bright Okpocha(basket mouth),though the guy name na Bright but e no bright @ all e dull like mad, bk then u go think say im brain cells don die,na confirm olodo e be back then, i dey always fumble to the guy say i go make am in life before am, now the guy don blow like C4 nd in money sef don over full basket, nd i dey here they think about my 500 naira note.

Even klint da drunk abi what's he called was in my class,dat one back then na outcast coz e be slowpoke nd now na the guy imbecility dey earn am cool cash,all those act of him portraying himself as a drunk na lie e just dey use that one cover in imbecility.

The most painful part be say back then na me dey carry first for class nd the likes of basket mouth nd that imbecilic guy wey dey call himself klint dey always copy my work for exam nd test.


Before i come warri i went to basket mouth office,you should have seen the queue there,we lined up nd were given number tags,a whole me was given number tag to wear, I raised my voice nd said to the secretary (Do you know who i am),I told the secretary to go nd tell Okpocha that his former school mate wey e dey always copy bk then dey queue outside but instead Okpocha denied me.

Hate is a pretty strong term so I tend to shun it nd not make use of it even if am hyped to do so,but warri is an exemption to this law coz i HATE the city die.

Warri is a city filled up to the brim with all sort of strange peeps,I strongly believe that the people here are even too smart for their own good,instead of em putting hale nd hearty notes into my bowl,they just dey chuck godforsaken money inside nd the painful part was that i prayed for everyone of them.

Now what am i to do,i had only one option left nd that was to be a labourer for a day,a bricklayer so to say.

I was able to secure the said job nd i was told that i was gonna be given 500 hundred @ the completion of the job,five hundred for carrying cements,bricks nd heavy metal moulds, that's way too small i said to myself but since i had no other option i had to settle for it.

The job was one hell of job,I carried cements nd bricks, as if dat was not enough i had to climb a stair case just to deliver them to the person moulding the building at the top

As I dey carry the cement nd block na in ma body dey warn me,I could feel body pain nd spinal chord stiffness, but as a man in need of money i shrugged em off nd continued with the job,I hail bricklayers dem oh, those guys dey try big tym,no wonder dey puff weed before doing their job.

At last i was through with the Godforsaken job nd the man in charge handed out a five hundred naira note to me,con c body pain wey hold me,my legs were stiff nd my bald head was rocking with explosions,it was as if the BOKO HARAM peeps down north were raiding my body.

I rushed to a pharmacy nearby nd explained to him what had happened,he just blabbed out some silly medical terms nd said to me that i am having a system lockdown,a complete overhaul of my system,the bricks nd blocks had drained me up nd were hammering me up big time.

He gave me some drugs to use nd when he wrote out the bill that i was meant to pay, i just fainted,the whole bill was 450 naira that's like all of the money i had made for that day.

The painful part of it all was that as the guy presented the drugs to me and i instantly took a capsule from each nd used em thinking that the whole summation would be around a 100 naira or so but i was totally wrong coz the drugs claimed all my HARD HARD HARD earned money,it was my had earned money coz I almost killed myself getting it.

I was dragged on the floor all the way to their kitchen nd just ryt in front of me i could see a mountain of unwashed dishes,pans nd pots all staring at me nd waiting to be scrubbed. It was as if they were deliberately piling up d plates nd pans just for me to come around nd wash em all.

But before washing the plates i was instructed to go fetch some water from a lengthy distance nd a rather rough terrain at that,I was escorted to the well by the disrespectful maid, her actions were even fierce nd rude,she showed me pepper, infact i tasted pepper.

After i had filled up the sky high gorodoms(water containers) i sat down right in front of the filthy dishes nd started doling out some serious nd intense scrubbing on them,the plates were just too much that i had to rest nd take breaks @ intervals,while washing the dishes i did (SHORT BREAK) nd even (LONG BREAK).

But at last i overcame the dishes nd came out top,nd i was tossed out of the restaurant nd warned not to ever step in again, i shook my bald head in approval nd took to my heels.

Warri as a city is much more complex nd witty than lagos, coz my experience there is certainly nothing to write home about, but me myself con talk say i no go gree, I had to do something worthwhile nd the thought of what to do just popped up.

The idea raided me nd all i needed was a stick,bowl nd some silly dark shades to act it out,I got myself a stick nd stole one of those kiddies shades wey dey get flower for the rims,I sat on a slab ryt outside a desolate building,stretched out my long stick nd positioned my bowl right in front of me nd with my shades glued onto my face i was set for business, I became a (BANBIALA) or (BEGGER) so to say nd before i knew it someone had dropped a 5 naira note into my bowl,

Wow i never knew begging for alms was a really lucrative business, i always thought warri peeps were the stingy sort but the 5 naira note i had in my bowl dismissed that thought about warri people, so they are really generous after all.

As people passed they dipped their hand into my bowl nd in so doing dropped some naira note, they really thought i was impaired not knowing that i was actually playing a fast one on em, sebi dey talk say warri people no dey carry last ni but in this case they go carry last oh, coz i was going to outsmart the whole of warri.

It was getting dim nd all, so i had to call it quit for the day,with my bowl carefully cupped under my armpit nd my stick stretched out as if it was my third leg, i tricked everyone nd walked like a blind lad.

When i was out of public glare nd all, i settled down in a nearby building with rays of light falling on me, i pulled the bowl out of my armpit nd with the aid of the light rays i set out to count my daily earnings, the first note i took out from the bowl was a thorn one nd i tot of it as a normal thing,the second nd third were thorn notes also,the fourth was a fake note,the fifth was a pretty transparent 10 naira note with the value all washed off,nd the others were severed note that even a cello tape nd super dupa glue won't have any effect on.

Then it occurred to me, warri people don outsmart me again...now who is the punk, nd i said to myself i am the punk for i have been fooled again nd then i said to myself i am finished.

Run run run na wetin my mind dey tell me be that,con see race, it was just as if the current i was charged with while i had my nap was jolting nd pushing me forward,I was just zooming pass tinz like Hussain bolt,but as i dey run with full speed na him ma eyes sight 1000 note on the ground.

I knew i had two options when i saw the crisp thousand naira note,it was either i slow down nd pick it nd get caught or i leave it nd save my dear life,but as a lasgidi chap who will never back off from ojukokoro i slowed down nd picked it up asap nd i was back on my hasty feet.

With my swift feet i was able to maintain a sizeable distance from that muscular pile dat calls himself a man,that man should have come as a robot or better still a truck,within some minutes into the chase he became exhausted so he had no option than to just lemme go,nd in my mind i was like who got the last laff punk.

Then came hunger, i had burned all my internal fuel nd now am totally empty, I could even sense the worms in my sac protesting nd carrying placards nd all, the need to chow dropped heavy on me,the pangs of hunger struck me hard that i just had to scream in the middle of the street (EBI OH) meaning hunger in the yoruba dialect.

Then a remake of fela Anikulapo/Anigbolapo's song ushered itself into my ears nd i just mouthed em out(hunger hunger hunger hunger,hunger hunger hunger hunger hunger till you turn to hungerer)na then i come grab the underlying message embedded in the said song na only if u dey hungry na im u go understand that song wella.

With hunger came headache, i became wholly miserable due to the intense hammering hunger dealt me.

My brain sef no click say i get one thousand naira for hand wey i pick for ground,as i remembered this i just entered into a restaurant nd ordered for four wrap of fufu nd make them pack meat inside plate for me .I was served as if i was a VIP of some sort,the maid presented me the food while on her kneels but i just tot to myself that the respectful act was just some silly strategy they employ to get people to come back here.
The meal was worth five hundred naira so i knew i would still have five hundred naira left with me nd with that i could get to the spot were i was taken from,I had everything well planned out nd na to execute am remain.
I finished the meal nd ordered for a bottle of coke(OROBO) to wash down the morsels of fufu i had tucked into my stomach,I gulped it nd i felt relieved,I felt like i was living the good life.

I dipped my hand into my pocket to bring out the thousand naira note nd when i did, then i knew i was doomed,the crisp note i had picked wasn't of full length,the note was a split, no wonder it was lying around on the street.

I started to panic nd sweat trickled down my face,it was quite obvious dat they were gonna kill me,(POOR ME),I called the maid who knelt down while serving me thinking that since she was respectful and all she would understand nd consider me,but na as if i throw petrol inside fire. She raised the alarm nd instantly her madam came over nd inquired abt what was happening,she narrated the whole ordeal to her oga @ d top nd added that after swallowing four wraps of fufu nd loads of assorted meat i still ordered for a bottle of coke.

I landed in a rather dirty niche coz na inside green mustered spirogyra gutter i fall,with fierce current running through my body d sleep wey dey my body just zoomed off,I regained my consciousness nd snapped out of it,as i stood up i fell on my behind instantly coz the current still made me feel uneasy nd shaky.

Without much ado nd struggle i just had to sit down inside the gutter coz the electric shock left me incapacitated,I sat inside the green laden spirogyra jacuzzi for almost one hour before i regained my actual consciousness nd by the time i stood up, mehn u should av seen my body yepah,i had lost weight coz the current drained me off my blood seriously na then i know say nepa work no be good work @ all.

I staggered out of the gutter nd sat under a shade,Warri has dealt me a big blow nd am quite sure am still gonna be dealt more.

I begged a lady for a bucket of water to wash myself off the dirt from the gutter,this said lady was so caring that she even offered me a towel to mop the water off my skin,only if i knew i wouldn't have dared to collect the towel, as she was about handing it out to me na so her husband show face,con see muscle nd stature, am sure the lad is a labourer of some sort coz God sculpted him with excess clay,he was heavily built,he sighted me in my underpants nd he instantly raged with fury.

He said so i am the said man that has been sleeping with his beautiful wife,since i was surprised i looked sideways thinking he was talking to someone beside me, then it occurred to me that he was referring to me.I con even look the wife sef she no fine reach half of my CHICHI,infact she isn't up to her waist level, while i was busy thinking that to myself na so i receive sharp slap that offset my balance.

He started chasing me nd i became a sprinter asap,the way i ran, i was sure if it was @ d olympic it would probably earn me a gold medal,I ran for my not so dear life coz my life don diminish sotey he no dey dear to me again,but at that particular moment while i was running it was quite dear to me.

While running i swerved to dodge a moving keke napep but to my utmost surprise the keke napep hit the man chasing me nd instead of him falling down na the keke napep fall down nd the tricycle was inflicted with multiple injuries nd concoctions,na then my sub conscious tell me those dreaded sentences again(I DON DIE).

The drugs had started working nd before i knew it i had slipped into dreamland,my muscles were calm nd my heart beat dropped.

Knowing fully well that i was asleep they unchained me nd left the hall,but while the drugs were acting out their effects and taking their toll on me i was trying to fight em back by staying awake,though it seemed pretty much impossible but like Kanu Nwankwo(I WAS DETERMINED),I was able to shrug off the overwhelming effects of the drugs by standing on my feet,but I wasn't still on point,coz I was wavering nd staggering while @ a fixed position.

Since the hall way was clear i headed out with my shaky leg nd dim eyes coz sleep still dey my body like mad.
I was walking like one of those resident evil zombies and a sleepy one @ that,still with dizzy eyes I attempted scaling the fence nd while @ it i had my scrotum bruised in the process,I didn't even succeed in scaling the fence coz it happened that i slept off on the barbed fence,the urge to sleep was just too much nd irresistable that i had to succumb to it nd i just sleep on top the barb wire wey dey ontop the fence.

Na horse tranquiliser they gimme coz the kind sleep wey i sleep while on the barbed fence that nyt was the best i ever had,though the barb wires pricked my skins but i didn't really feel em @ all,the early morning alarms went off nd the nursess started trooping out.

Then a nurse saw me,she didn't really know dat this sane lad was jez taking a nap on a barbed nd prickly bed so to say,she obviously tot that i had been electrocuted by the current laced on the barbwire so she quickly raised a call for help (SOS) nd the others rushed out,they all thought i was dead nd i could sense some of them sobbing but I was too weak to make a gesture or signal to them that i was okay nd all coz the sleep wey dey my body dey hard to shake off,my whole body was numb all over.

They thought it would be best to take me straight to the morgue but before that can be done they had to remove me from the barb wire attached to the fence,they insructed one of the nurses to switch off the electric current to the barb wire not knowing that they were about to switch on the electric current coz it was initailly off,that was when my sub conscious whispered to the sleepy me saying (I DON DIE).

I was too weak to give out any signals that i wasn't dead nd that they shouldn't switch d current on thinking they were switching it off but nothing dey wey I fit do


I just hear shirrin shirrin for my body nd before I knew it,the electric current flung me high up in the sky that i was cruising @ the same altitude with pigeons nd butterflies nd while i was floating in mid air i just said to myself WARRI DON FINISH ME.

my brain cells twitched nd one of olamide's street punch lines just popped in(AM I MAD),it was a rhetorical sort of street jab that needed no answer cz it was pretty obvious that am starting to join the league of the insane..

I came to warri with the hope of landing myself a job but tinz have veered off the path i intended for them,am a sane lad acting as if am missing a nut,have gone mad oh,warri has succeeded in making me go nut but why won't i go nut,am inches away from miss Nigeria, a lady with a physique internationally (recognised) (certified) nd rated as (A plus) nd with legs as straight nd tiny as that of a tarantula.

CHICHI is a charmer so to say,she get the beauty of all those greek goddess nd am sure u lads know how gorgeous those greek goddesses look especially those of u dat are quite familiar with greek antique movies such as troy nd the lots,,she is well trimmed up nd has eye popping cleavages nd curves,if she was sane nd sound there was no way i could have gotten six feet close to her but now am just inches away from her,so if to say may i chop more lice just to maintain the inches between us i go do am.

Na then i realise say i must find means of getting myself out of this mental asylum coz it's starting to have it toll on me,but am really gonna miss here,the meals,hot baths nd chichi,I just hope that when she get better she will eventually remember me nd the lice i ate from her peruvian hair.

It was 12am nd the hall was dark i got up from my therapeutic mattress nd slid my flip flops into my feet then i positioned my feet like a soldier threading on enemy soil nd started to tip toe,I tried not to make any sound so as not to trigger any of the derailed one's from waking up,I never knew that while i was acting all sneaky like a ninja i was being watched by the night guard on duty,he flashed @ me nd was about raising. his voice to call the night nurses before I could say (OBASANJO OLE) the man don call them already, they grasped nd tied me down then i was given a shot of tranquiliser to calm my nerves down before i knew it my legs was chained onto my bunk nd ny hand as well.


I DON DIE OH,see ma lyf,I tried explaining to them that am a sane lad but instead they were of the opinion that my madness don scale pole,they started injecting me with all sort of medicine nd taking my temperature @ constant interval,since there was nuffin i could possibly do i just had to relax nd i took in all they had to offer.

Am living the life of a king,five star treatment nd all,am a maniac nd am loving it,it didn't even occur to me that i was the only sane person ryt there hanging out with the mentally derailed nd insane peeps,but who gives a hoot, i just wanna have a taste of the pudding, i want to enjoy what they are enjoying also.

We get to sleep for twelve straight hours without being disturbed, because the clinical psychologists or better still the shrinks handling us seems to think that long hours of sleep myt help to re surge the brain to it normal state, but all that professional bla bla bla na trash talk to me coz my brain dey the normal state already,nd when we are through with our beauty sleep our bath is always ready infact na hot water we dey use baff sef (imagine).

We were being pampered nd treated like A LIST celebrities,but i was starting to tick one of the nurses off, she was starting to think that i might not be a mad fella afterall nd i might be acting tinz, so in order to prove her wrong i had to come up with a firm plan so i decided to get wild nd completely out of control, i tossed nd threw objects about nd even sunk my teeth into the bosoms of one of the nurses..

With the bit of acting i displayed she was convinced that am a certified lunatic of the highest order nd so she named me TERRY G...I became a derailed star instantly,the nurses would hail me while passing by my bedside nd even gimme a pat on the back,what more can a guy ask for,am living in a fairytale nd am living out my dreams.

They were about twenty insane inmates sharing the same room with me nd ChIChI was among them..am thinking she was a model before she got mad nd i was right,I even got to know that she was the former Miss Nigeria before sco sco grab her, so i decided that she would me by girlfriend for the duration of my stay in the asylum that's if i would ever leave there coz i see my future ryt here in this heavenly asylum.

Since i wasn't really a mad fella i had to employ the service of another mad fella in convincing ChiChi to be my girl, coz na mad person fit follow mad person talk, coz their language different from we normal people own, so i employed the services of Charly boy,we call him charly boy mostly coz of the numerous piercing he has on his body nd the fact that he is a freak,in a nutshell the guy is a carbon copy of the Oputa charly boi, na only slight difference dey between them nd the only difference be say one dey asylum for warri here nd the other dey in house for gwanripa wey dey abuja.

Charly boy walked up to her nd instead make e follow her talk both of them begin play with each other hair from there they dey do leke leke gimme one finger. con see as i vex.i was about to burst with fury nd anger but i swallow am,see wetin charly boy dey do me.

See me see trouble oh..Charly boy won snatch my wife from me na so i vex just go there as i reach there i comport ma self wella, i just push Charlie boy commot for her front,me sef con dey play with her hair nd she reciprocated back by playing with mine also, na then i know say to psyche mad person easy jor... from there she start to dey chop the lice wey dey my beards coz i never baff for that day,while she was doing this i don forget say i be sane person say i no dey mad @ all, na so me too start to dey commot the lice wey dey her hair nd i dey throw am for my mouth,I don chop like ten lice before i realise say i no be mad person say i dey mentally sound but e don too late, wetin pain me pass na the size of the lice wey dey her hair they big no be small @ least the smallest one reach the size of basketmouth eyeballs..

The confidence in me just surged up,my brain did some serious work on the kind lie wey i go give her then i caught sight of a camera crew filming a traffic scene not quite far from were i stood, then the idea kicked in,as she was abt asking me why i had a gown on, i cut her short nd pushed her aside,saying ONOME u are blocking the camera man from seeing me, pls step aside for a minute nd lemme play out my role in this movie well before the director sanctions me nd i made some silly gestures in the air as if i was communicating with the camera crew..

You should have seen the glow on her face,she really thought i was a superstar abi na movie star of some sort,she asked me if i will still be on d spot were the filming was happening nd insisted that we really needed to talk but first she needs to attend to a customer down @ her shop,as she turn her back like this i don pick race,i zoomed off into thin air.

She was totally convinced that i was acting out a mad scene for a movie but she no know say wetin she see no be fiction but confirm reality,while i was still running trying to create a looming gap from were she was,
I ran into the hands of mental health care workers,they were obviously moving from one market place to another picking up mad fella'z nd i became a victim asap,they chained me up nd locked me up into the back of their van.

ONOME see wetin u cause,what is it with warri people self nd the badluck they always garner around me.

As we reach the mental asylum,they stripped me off my gown nd washed me up,they tagged me up nd gave me new clothes to wear, na their i know say mad people dey enjoy oh,they brought me rice laced with fried plantain nd confirm egusi soup to eat,I didn't want to tick them of by eating like a normal nd sane person so i rushed d food nd made quite a mess on d floor,i asked for more nd i was given more na then i know say i don reach heaven nd am gonna stay here forever.

As per say all the suffering warri don show me ashe i go still enjoy,they prepared my bed for me con see d mattress,na all those fluffy nd succulent mattress,the therapeutic sort wey be say if u sleep untop e go dey totori u for body nd e go massage am wella..asylum sweet no be small, i urge u readers to try one out,abeg make una try am out nd u are bound to enjoy the experience..

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I sat down nd just drifted away in unpleasant thoughts of my travails,warri is making life unbearable nd quite miserable for me,what sort of city is this,this city is way too smart for me..

My behind stayed glued to the slab i was sitting on nd i sure looked like one of those classic antique statues, i just sat down there with my hands bracing my head nd gulped up in my own miserable thoughts.

There i was moving about the whole of warri with my saggy nd dirty underpants nd the thrilling nd yet saddening part was that my joystick was just dangling about,I felt bad about myself but there was nothing i could do.

People just dey look me say i be mad person but dey no sabi say na condition make my crayfish bend,while i was walking about with the hope of getting some tattered cloth to wear nd cover myself up, i came across the cruel and inconsiderate lad who stole my cloth,as i see am like this my head swell with anger nd i just dashed forward with fury nd angst towards him yelling nd shouting.

With me yelling nd all,then it became clear to people in the environ that i was a mad fellow,I tried explaining to them that i am the victim here,the one whose cloth was stolen but all my plea fell on deaf ears,they bundled me nd tied me up saying i was a menace to the society,they even begged the guy who stole my cloth that he shouldn't be angry.

I was tied to a tree nd by the time it was dark they were quite considerate of me nd decided they would release me..there in i became a free man but i was still without cloth so i decided to get one for myself under the guise of d nyt.

I scaled the short fence that was ryt in front of me nd headed straight to the backyard were there was bound to be a line with clothes spread on them..since it was dark nd i was blinded by the night i just took a cloth from the line nd ran as fast as i could out of there,when i was finally out i wore d clothe nd to my utmost surprise nd disappointment na woman cloth i steal,I thought of going back but i could hear voices spilling out from the compound so i decided to make do with the cloth i had, sorry i meant to write the cloth I stole nd not had coz it wasn't really mine.

Darkness zoomed off nd cocks were doing their usual cookoorookoo'z serving as the early morning alarm they were..
The cocks woke me up nd there i was decked in a gown nd i sure looked funny in it, but wetin man go do i go sha wear cloth,so I moved out nurturing the hope to find that spot that ushered in my woes the spot i was kidnapped from..

While walking about in the gown i had on, na so i see ONOME she was an erstwhile classmate of mine back then in lagos, but she was now based in warri nd i don psyche her way back then, wey she no gree as i see her i tried dodging her but she had the eyes of an eagle,keen nd piercing so to say,she spotted me nd called me by my alias,then i knew i was doomed.

My brain started conjuring up lies i could offer to her as to the reason i was wearing a gown meant for the feminime type,nd suddenly the idea clicked in,as she strutted forward towards me i became calm nd settled,I greeted her while she gazed @ me as if i was an alien from outer space.........stay glued for more nd pls drop ur comments.

K bro.......

It was getting dim nd dark already nd the atmosphere was moist up,with this i knew that rain was bound to fall,while i was scampering about to get a place to lay myself for d nyt ahead i sighted a bridge nd my sub conscious just said to itself..(HOME SWEET HOME).

I was hyped up with joy coz this bridge is gonna house me for tonight nd many more to come if i don't find that God forsaken spot i was bundled away from, i walked towards the bridge nd while i zoomed in on my house to be for that night i could see warri heads nd eyes staring @ me from under the bridge..

I got to my desired spot under d cozy bridge nd while i attempted to rest my butt on one of the wrecked up slabs lying around i received a slap nd a heavy knock on my bald head, i nearly passed out but the bread nd pure water wey i take that day firmed me up nd i didn't pass out.

Wetin u want here they asked me with their rifla and weed tucked in between their fingers,i lost my voice nd couldn't utter a word, by the time i mustered up the courage to spill out some words i received another one nd this was fiercer nd quite (bam) that i lost my balance immediately.

I quickly knelt down nd begged them that i needed a place to sleep for the night,they asked for rent money nd i was like "haba chairman sebi na government build am" nd i even received another slap for trying to play smart,I dipped my fingers into my pocket nd brought out a 20 naira note,the sort that is transparent nd almost dying nd which no sane person would collect, since it was dark they didn't notice the attributes the 20naira note had.

They complained that the rent fee am giving them is too little nd so i wud be given a sleeping space with no leg space,since i had no option, i agreed nd there i was all crouched nd curled up in the lil space they allocated to me.i con coil up like sardine inside tin.

Flies nd mosquitoes had a filled day digging deep into my pores, they buzzed and played some classical mozart to my ears while also sucking the hell out of me, it was hard getting myself to sleep so i decided to wash my dirty clothes since there was a fair amount of rain trickling down from the brim of the bridge, I took off my shirt, trousers and was left with my underpants.

I dipped the shirt nd trouser into a pool of water cupped up in a degenerated bucket, i scrubbed it hard since I had no soap,I wringed them one after the other and placed them on a slab to dry.

As i dey sleep wey mosquitoes dey bite me na instantly malaria they catch me, I was shivering and writhing endlessly, since i had washed my clothes and I had nothing on, I improvised and made used of a garri sack as my cover cloth, i even had to rent the gaari sack sef..

It was slightly above Six am when i woke up, everyone had disappeared from under the bridge, my shirt nd trouser even disappeared with them..

Being a destitute is no fun, with no shed above my bald head con see as sun dey beat me, I was baked and scorched up to the point wey be say my bald head dey reflect sun rays bk to the atmosphere,I suffer no be small infact d suffering na "ad infinitum" coz it seems it would never come to an end.
I had wandered around for three day but it sure seemed like three years to me, with my fingers wrapped around one of those salted and long warri bread and the other hand holding a sachet of water by its tip, i was set to conquer the whole of the city with these two items until I could find some help..

My pair of loafers were already responding to the sufferings being inflicted upon them, the shoes hadn't seen anything yet coz warri would still offer much more in terms of trekking.. The coarse road had eaten deep into the each sole.... but dat one no concern me at all..

The bread wey I think say go sustain me till I find I go find help no gree reach one hour before e finish nd once again i was starting to feel the sharp pangs of hunger..left with no option I decided to make use of one of my obsolete pranks,though I be school drop out and wasn't really fluent in english, but the bit nd pieces of english wey i sabi na through thorough and serious cramming,the type of cramming wey be say if dey interrupt me midway while churning it out I fit forget everytin, so I dey quickly rush the words before the other person go fit talk anything.

This would definitely get me out of the hunger puddle i was in, i decided to employ the prank since it has always worked for me back in Lagos so I was dead certain and optimistic it was going to pay off here in warri, because warri people no too sabi oyinbo.


I prepped my mouth up for the task @ hand nd swallowed some saliva down my throat,my first victim was a man decked in a multi coloured suite abi na coat I go call am, coz he was looking all drolly in it..

Na like this our conversation take go:

Sir, am presently in a state of abject financial meltdown,am from the larger than life city of Lagos bt am stranded in Warri, I was hoping u could be of help and by help I mean financial help."for my mind I don fink say I don nail d man hard like that,say e go dey confused with my oyinbo and just help out by giving me some money" remember say na wetin I cram I pour down for the man nd I don expect say e no go fit reply coz he would be drowned in the euphoria nd aura of my oyinbo but the man replied and na there yawa con gas oh!!!

Na reply wey e gimme be this: You are so full of pranks and quite appalling, take a graceful gaze @ me do I look like someone u can pull a fast one on.

I was dazed,all because I never expected him to reply nd I never tot he was learned nd well versed in the white man's tongue, remember say I talk say d bits nd pieces of englsh wey I sabi na through intense cramming, so It's hard for me to converse with people using oyinbo...instead I just told him, "Oga no vex I no sabi say you sabi good england english".

Once more my subconscious uttered these cruel sentences to itself "I DON DIE"..

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