I don die,infact e just remain make dem bury me, way back i told u how chubby I was, I had extra flesh padded all over my bulky body,my backside before i cum warri be like that of Mercy Johnson nd instead of six packs na extra pomo i get for my belle "confirm pot belly" like don jazzy own.

But now tinz don change for me,instead of my usual pot belly,I had diet inflicted six packs which in actual reality were the outlines of my ribs,and my backside con level join.

I knew akpororo was faking tinz but there was no way i could prove it, while i was thinking how i would get the money to procure the provisions for that God forsaken warri kid na im one woman waka pass for my front,she backed a baby nd was really fat,as a sharp guy i just run snatch the woman nylon bag from her, to my surprise the woman no gree chase me, instead of raising an alarm she just wave me bye bye,,as i enter one uncompleted building na im i use rushing empty the items of the nylon on the floor, con see wetin i see, used pampers, sanitary pads nd all other smelly stuffs,it was as if i had just helped her dispose off her waste..no wonder she waved me goodbye.

THE DEMISE OF LOVE


Has the shovel not compelled me to the hollowness of the sands.

And deep down I start a new life of ease with no one to love or cling to.

When alive,you curtailed me into the pleasures of life nd got me drenched in the debts of love.

But now am a ruffled up skin with worm holes to contend with.

I was the chubby sort with a robust outlook but now am an outcast in this world. and that I seem to cherish.

Why not wish death for this fellow for amidst the thoughts of life he toiled nd got no love in return.

The amusements of life are of ephemeral length,so why fall in love.

Love sucks especially when u run out luck
Then u become stressed and abreast with fears. So its better to stay away,
For in that way u are gonna see another day.

Gag my soul nd tag my bone for I am no more.

Love killed me nd it's still killing me.

abeg make una no vex say evertin dey jampacked na my fone cz am oh

Am a dead man walking,am the sort whose pocket idles around due to lack of monetary presence to keep it busy,were on earth will i get the bulky sum to purchase the provisions lined out on the crumbled sheet of paper..
Since i was in dire need of a way out,i decided to try one of my chldhood stunts out,the devious stunt or sly act so to say had always worked for me in the past so i was quite confident it was gonna click out once more,,all i had to do was just wait till dark,when everywhere became dim nd dark nd i go carry out the operation.

Darkness pervaded nd gloomed everywhere,i got myself geared up for the task at hand nd uttered out some hail mary to guide me through nd also to ease the tension that was raging in me.

My victim was seated under a tree,she only lit her atukpa(indigenous slang for local lamp) so the illumination from it wasn't really strong,the lamp just sent out faded beams of light rays,my mind don dey at rest say i go see my operation carry out without undue hindrance.

I said my prayers once more nd this time around it was a lengthy prayer,then i headed to were my helpline was seated,some customers were standing right in front of her nd they all stretched out their hands to collect the stuff they had payed for,i waited till the crowd doused off a bit before proceeding to effect my act,when i see say most of d customers don commot nd e remain only three for her front,i stretched out my arms nd wallahi i get long arms,my arms be like those people own wey dey throw javelin.

I dipped my stretched arm into the first container but it wasn't the container i was looking for,i commot my hand nd i chuk am inside the second container but again it wasn't the container i had in my mind,i knew it was gonna be a matter of minutes before i get the right container so my mind dey at rest say yawa no fit gas,i stretched out my long arms again nd dipped it into something but this time around no be inside container i chuk am cz as i chuk am inside i felt a sharp pang nd some sizzling sensation,OH MY GOD NA INSiDE HOT OIL WEY D WOMAN DEY USE FRY AKARA ND YAM I CHUK MY HAND..

My throat went awry nd completely out of control,i yelled out at the top of my voice nd when GOD go con catch me again nepa com bring light join,,na then i know say i don die tru tru,my hand become oyinbo straight, all becos i won chuk hand inside the woman container for money...akpororo wallahi na God go punish u oh...

With my heart beat bolting nd husseining at a really fast pace,I knew it was the end time for me,with the heavy slump positioned on my back i started a rather tedious search for a hospital,I came across a privately stirred health clinic nd i dashed in real fast.


I went to the emergency section nd narrated what had happened to them,they hurriedly passed a drip into his skin nd gave me a list of provision to buy,inside the list BOURNBITA,MILO,KON FLAKES,GOLDEN MOURN,KEISHA,SANDIN,OBAMA ABI SEY NA BAMA DEY DEY CALL AM, ASSAULTED BISCUITS nd lookozade dey the list,were I won take see money buy all these items na then I know say I don die,an idea popped idea up nd i thought to myself akpororo will surely have to settle for less cz me i no fit afford all these top notch oyinbo ijekuje wey dey write for this paper OH!


So na so I go market,I got him gaari ijebu to replace the golden mourn nd cornflakes,dry fish to replace the sardine nd geisha nd a bottle of 50 cl alomo to replace the lucozade boost, after all na d same energy wey alomo go give am na in lucozade boost go give am also, na then my mind con settle say at least I don try my best.


I tucked all the items inside a shaka shaka sac,na gaari sack I mean oh for those of una wey no sabi am,nd I headed straight to the clinic,on getting to the front desk I told the female nurse there that I wanted to deliver some provision to a patient who was recuperating at the emergency niche,she asked if she could examine the items in the sac nd i promptly gave her the go ahead to do so, she removed the items out one by one nd i could see the grin on her face as she did so,con see as she use me laff,she told me i was instructed to get the ailing kid some provisions as listed out on the sheet I was given nd not FOODSTUFFS.I tried explaining to her say all na same same,say na d same work dey go do for the kid body,but all my plea fell on deaf ears.



I was told to go nd buy the provisions as listed out,na then I know sai I don enter WEE,I tried returning the gaari nd all the other rubbish wey i buy but the woman wey i buy them from no gree collect them back nd i only had five hundred naira left with me nd there was certainly no miracle wey my five ondred naira fit perform cz e too small to buy all the oyinbo stuff wey dey dat list.

With bumps all over my body you would think i got ran over by a mack truck,the beating i got from that bystander was just too much,never in my life would i attempt to rob a random stranger instead i would just rob someone i know.

While at school the next day my co staffs kept asking me why i had bumps, i told them i got robbed,i twisted the story to best suite my pathetic sight nd in return they all felt sorry for me.

Akpororo the dumb kid was back in class cz the decision to get him expelled was rescinded,we became instant enemies,but as a matured man i dey try prove seniority for am cz i no fit dey beef am make hin dey beef me too,while my class pupils referred to me as uncle,na bros akpororo dey call me e no dey gree call me uncle at all.the idiot no dey respect me @ all.

If i ask am question he would call on another pupil to answer the question on his behalf,imagine na then i know say i don loose my respect for akpororo face.

The bumps on my face were still evident nd that was when akpororo came over to my desk nd inquired if he could get a tom tom sweet from me, the idiot insisted say make i give am tom tom lick,see me see trouble oh na me akpororo dey insult,he was referring to the huge bump right around my cheek as tom tom sweet,out of anger i just daze am slap sharp sharp before i knew what was going on he layed on the floor like a lump of wood out of anger i kicked him cz i tot he was faking things but the boy no gree move at all,na then i know say i don enter wee.

I became disoriented nd sweat trickled down my face,wetin i go do oh,i poured sachets of water on him to resuscitate him but it was all to no avail,i called on the headmaster and he dashed in right away,i explained to him what had happened,he told me to carry the lifeless lump to the nearest clinic before he summons the police to come and arrest me..

I knew that sooner or later i was gonna get caught,so i had to look for another means through which i could sustain my survival and apart from that the pay i was getting from the self imposed job was to meagre for a man of my size and status(thats me forming,shoulder pad tinz),the only tin i dey enjoy for the teaching work na the usual food flask fiesta wey i dey always partake in nd i know say na matter of time before dey catch me cz wetin i dey do na capital offence.

I was kinda pondering on the kind of job i could do to top up d income from my teaching job nd all of a sudden a crazy idea popped in,there was this kid in my class who had a toy gun that looked real so i confisticated the toy gun from the puny little thing nd instructed him never to ask for it again.now warri go know who be boss today cz i was gonna show them the stuff wey God use mould me.

When it was exactly 12 a.m on the dot,by then it was midnight nd everywhere had become dim nd dark,i entered a random backyard nd quickly took a black shirt from the line were it was spread to dry.

Now i had the needed stuffs to carry out my operation,cz na robbery act i won carry out,with me decked in my black shirt nd armed with my toy gun i set out to find a good spot were i would see a prey to pounce on.

I came across the right spot to carry out my act,my mind was settled cz na only me know say na toy gun i hold,infact the toy gun na all those made in china toy gun nd e dey heavy, so it was hard to dismiss the fact that it was a fake.

Na so i see one idle man for bus-top,he was standing all alone nd he held a briefcase,the man was the short sort so i knew he would be an easy prey for me,as i reach the man side i pressed the toy gun firmly into his waist nd told him to surrender all he has,but the man wasn't moved by my threat at all,even the sight of the gun no scare am at all,i even use voice for am but e still no move am, na so i say make i slap am but as i raise my hand say make i hit am like this na in the man raise in shirt up, con see wetin i see, he had three guns buried underneath his shirt nd he even had a knife to compliment them..

con see as i take piss for my trouser,this was the first time i would be seeing a real gun at close range and na three for that matter,,na so i tell am say na play i dey play with am say make he no vex but the man no gree hear my plea at all,he dealth with me seriously with his belt,infact he beat me sotey i no fit walk na GOD say make e no use in gun on me cz na dat one for bad pass,na then i know say na Akpororo head catch me.

My eyes con come down after i don chop all their food finish,out of the usual thirty minutes allocated for the break period,the kids had spent twenty five minutes, so i only had five minutes to come up with a plan.

As i dey think of how i go take explain how their food got missing na in Akpokoro enter class, he was the eldest in class and was also the dumbest, he has been in the same class for five years and thus he was made the class captain by default.

As i see am na im my brain click sharpally,i ordered Akpororo to move closer to me, the boy being just five years old came forward nd i grab am for arm instantly.

Now that i had Akpororo with me my mind became settled coz he was gonna bail me out of the mess i got myself into,i stained akpororo's shirt with some remnants from the food flask,i messed up his tiny school uniform with stew paste nd i hung a strand of indomie in his mouth to create the perfect effect i wanted.

I was able to do all this to Akpororo coz i promised him he would be given a double promotion at the end of the term,and he fell for it.

After i don dress Akpororo wella with the left overs from the food flasks i raised the alarm and shouted at the top of my voice, i called the headmaster and told him that Akpororo entered the class when no one was in and ate the food of the other kids.

The headmaster became infuriated and started hurling insults at the little kid,he was seriously dealth with and later expelled from the school but i pleaded with the headmaster to reconsider his expulsion and this he did.

These puny little kids just made my day and i sure hope they will continue to do so.
The next day i began to nurture the hope of another food flask feast and this time around i wasn't gonna go soft on them coz today am going to scoop a sizeable amount from each food flask, u fit call am ojukokoro but i no send, after all man must wak now.

The much awaited break came, but this time around there was no way i could order the kids out without raising any suspicion, but i still had to chase them out nd all i needed was a firm excuse to do so nd na then my brain click nd an idea popped in.

I instructed the kids to stand up and sing/chant the lords grace before eating from their various food flasks, with their melodious, incoherent and yet shaky voice they all chanted it in the most annoying way ever, lemme give you guys an outline of how dey take sing am,
awa okada woo art in heaven
adaobi thy name
as shikin don come
before they could finish the third line of the lord's grace i instructed them to shut up coz if na so bible write am christainity no go dey were he dey today but i don forget say na warri i dey and that might be their own version of the lord's grace.

Now i had a firm excuse to chase all of them out of the class, since they couldn't sing the lords grace i disbanded them all nd dismissed them out of the class. I locked the door leading to the classroom nd bounced on their food flasks, con see me as i dey chop beans na so i dey wak rice,as i dey eat macaroni na so i dey push am down with bread before i knew it i had finish all the food wey dey their food flask,no be so i take plan am oh coz i had the intention of just eating a fair nd yet unnoticeable amount from each food flask but now have wiped out everything clean, na then i know say i don die coz how i won take explain how all their food dissapear.

am sorry for the mash up nd all, am having a bit of a problem with my space bar.

My feet ached seriously,and I was sweating profusely.

Out of utter frustration I squatted as if i wanted to take a dip and i quickly took the purse from under my sweaty feet, to my surprise all eyes at the market suddenly darted towards my direction, it was as if they had been alerted that the purse had been found, I became dumbfounded and at a loss for action, I had my brain do a quick probe of what to say to the woman who owned the purse.

She approached me but before she could utter a word i cut her short by saying "madam I don help you see your wallet infact na holy spirit direct me come were I take see am".

My plan had been foiled, purse wey be say I don budget how I go take spend the money wey dey inside, the woman collected the wallet and gave me a pat on my back, I wasn’t really expecting a pat, I expected much more than that, some money as a "thank you token" seem good enough but the stingy woman no gree gimme one kobo, na then I know say people wicked oh.
Na so I dey curse the woman for my mind coz wetin she do me pain me for body like mad, I kept telling myself of how callous and insensitive she was, after a while I had to let moment with the purse sail through... wetin pain me pass na the stand wey I stand ontop the wallet...
Na so I begin to waka again with the usual hope say I go see something wey i go chop for that day, but while I was walking na so I jam one sign post with a vacancy listing for a teacher, and right behind the vacancy post I could see the said school,the building of the school was re-enforced with planks with, stainless sheets served as window panes and a painted wall served as the chalk board,

I told myself I could apply for the job afterall na small small pikins I go dey teach, so the next day I applied and I got the job,they didn’t even ask for my credentials or anything relating to it.

I was told to resume for work the next day, since I had nothing I could wear to work , na so I select one random backyard, took a fitted shirt nd trouser from the the line wey dey spread am ontop nd carry race before I could get noticed.

The next day I was assigned to teach (nursery two and the half), when I asked why they called the class (nursery two and the half) dey talk say na those dry heads wey no gree promote go nursery three they there, they were stuck between the two classes.
As I enter the class wey dey say I go dey teach fear grip me coz the (dry heads)kids wey dey the class enter seventy,they all placed their feeding flasks and water bottles at a precise angle in the stuffed up class, I quickly did a head count of their food flasks and it tallied with the number of kids in the class, na then I know say I don enter food paradise coz those food flasks just dey eye me and dey eye dem back.

It was exactly three days back since I ate a good hot meal, the food flasks of the kids gave me the needed assurance that I was going to be filled up today with something hot and home cooked, though I tried to resist the temptation offered by these tempting food flasks but the thought weighed heavily on me.
The bell for the short break rang, so I quickly ordered the kids out of the class and told them to leave their food flasks behind,when I see say all of them don commot for class finish, I bolted the entrance to the class,I went to each nd every food flask and took a fair amount of food from them all,as I dey chop "yam" na so I dey chop "rice" nd noodles, I ate to my fill and afterwards I went outside to call the kids back into the class,they hardly noticed that there food had been touched.

A recall of Abami eda's song popped up in my head(the zombie track), am quite sure u are familiar with that track were he sang ZOMBIE OH ZOMBIE, the song correlated with the present trauma i was faced with, i became intensely alarmed and my heart beat paced at an unfit rate, sey na like this i go con die,i started chanting out different bible verses while also ranting in unknown tongues.
With all hope lost and nothing else to live for, i had to accept the cruel faith that i was bound to die that night, the noise from the grave yard was down a notch by now but i could still hear the creaking footsteps of the dead,cold chill pervaded my entire body nd i became wobbly inside.
With my fingers clasped together i began offering prayers to the (almighty) to grant me eternal heaven but i knew deep down that I wasn't a candidate for one but still i had to beg God for a piece of some heavenly bliss.

Footsteps were now threading towards where I laid down. pee residue trickled down my pant thus forming a wet patch around the outline of my loin..."OH LORD COME SAVE YOUR HUMBLE PIKIN. The foot steps i heard earlier became more pronounced, this time around the foot steps were accompanied with voices, both voices were ensued in some sort of negotiation,they were both arguing as entailed from the high pitch of their voices, it seemed they were in a verbal tussle of some sort, na then i know say dis one dem be human beings nd not ghost or zombies after all.
Out of anger i sprung out from were i had hidden to dish out a piece of my mind to them, i wanted to whip lash them with words cz they had scared the hell out of me so i jumped out from were I had hidden na so the two men wey dey argue pick race, they probably thought i was a ghost, i just stood there amazed and in shock.
I went back to my nap and before it struck Five a:m i bade the grave yard farewell nd i proceeded forth into the city, as usual hunger grabbed me so i dragged my feet, na the bolly nd epa wey i don chop since last night still dey my belle,hunger change the way i dey walk e con be like say i dey waka with swag, u sabi all those hunger imposed swag wey go make you bend one shoulder and slant the other.
After i don waka like half a mile or so, i became totally exhausted and phased out, i decided to sit down on the bare floor to catch my breath, from were i was seated i could see a small crowd nd it seemed there was a ruffle or so going on in the crowd,i moved in towards the crowd and inquired from another onlooker what was going on,he said the woman at the center of the crowd misplaced her wallet abi na purse nd so people her helping her look for it,i hissed and turned back coz i actually thought they were giving out free food,as i turn say make i dey go na so i step on the wallet wey all of them they look for.
Since i had a flat nd enormous feet i tried covering the wallet well with my feet so the bystanders wouldn't catch a glimpse of my feet covering the purse.

GOD don butter my bread but he con remain how i go pick the wallet from the floor,if i bend down to pick it i might tick the woman and bystanders off and they will know have seen the wallet nd I certainly do not want that to happen, so i stayed put on the fixed spot were the wallet had fallen and I had my feet firmly placed on it thus shielding it from prying eyes.

By now the sun was up and scorching me badly but still I stood my ground and was determined not to move an inch, i had spent almost two hours on that fixed spot and i was praying that the bystander nd the woman who had lost the wallet would just go away and accept that the wallet was gone for good but she no gree commot oh and the crowed backed her up more.

This short poetic piece bemoans Nigeria,sit tight nd enjoy.

Angst and woes are mine for the taking
Because deep within am just a lonely maiden

I am a nation with no bearing
For I take no heed to my peoples wailings
Am in ruins for I have lost my tune and all i have accrued

And now am restless like the waves of the ocean
From the fanatics of the north
And the militias of the oil niche
nd others beaming to be mentioned

I am Nigeria and am not to be proud of cz am a failed nation

A cruel fate(faith)has befallen me
And my doom bemoans me
For i am a penny in the midst of rubies
Naija tire me nd I sure hope to retire soonest.

Been busy

Life has been a bi..tch so far,it has been cruel nd far from pleasant so i tend to contend with the pile of poo that life extends to me.

My exodus from lagos to warri was anchored by my desperate search for a greener pasture, but it seems no matter were u intend to elope to in nigeria the situation remains the same.
I hate this God forsaken nation for it seems tinz don't just work out with us as a nation..
After much thinking i decided to take a stroll down to the cemetary cz na their sure pass for me to sleep,the last time I ventured out nd slept under a bridge i know wetin my eyes see,they raid my body nd took all my clothes that day be like film trick wallahi, but now have wisened up.

Grave yard abi sey na cementry silent oh nd it's really peaceful nd tranquile,no disturbances infact who go disturb u sef afterall deadmen don't talk or walk, dey just lay in the confines of their coffinS abi na casket nd snore till they get to heaven.

I chose a nice spot to sleep on,the slab or tomb or wetin dey dey call am wey i sleep on sef was the best in the graveyard, it was made of polished marbles nd all those shine shine stone,infact the man in that grave was even given an A list preferential treatment after death,flowers were placed on all sides of his grave, na wa oh nd I dey here dey WALL0W in abject poverty nd misery.

I don doze off for were i sleep,infact DOZE na understatement coz i don die (not die as in die gan gan) but die as in sleep, una don grab abi.

I was fast asleep nd then i could hear footsteps trudging up nd down,inside grave yard dead people dey waka i tot this only happens in nollywood films abi yoruba films but in this case it was for real na then I know say I don die tru tru.