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SportsRe: Nigerian League Fan Thread: Enter D Place N Know Every by Jollof(m): 8:01am On Aug 28, 2010
Maigari is the new NFF President so I guess that settles it.
TV/MoviesOnly In Nigerian Movies by Jollof(op): 11:00pm On Apr 09, 2010
Nigeria has come a long way in the movie-making industry. We concentrated on TV soaps for a while (e.g. Bassey and Company, New Masquerade, The Village Headmaster, Behind the Clouds, and one of my all-time favorites, Checkmate) and then from out of nowhere we decided to take a cue from Hollywood and breed some homegrown stars in our very own ‘Nollywood’. Storylines, though sometimes far-fetched (like a man marrying a barren woman and then marrying her fertile sister to have a baby and expecting to live as one happy family), have been very creative indeed – that’s the formula that keeps you glued and could account for the popularity of our movies in Ghana, America and the UK. We’re not storming the box office with any blockbusters yet but our DVDs/VCDs are in heavy rotation internationally and could be coming your way soon! But when you do watch a Nigerian DVD be warned about some false portrayals of Nigerian behaviour and lifestyle:

I’ve watched one movie in which two baddies walked into a hospital and made an attempt to kill their target patient who was in a coma. Sounds realistic so far, right? If I told you that both baddies stood on either side of the patient’s bed and started to strangle him? Yes, BOTH of them. How many men do you need to strangle someone who’s unconscious? They looked so ridiculous and they looked like they were having a hard time but thankfully the police arrived in the nick of time to save the day. Learning point: When your target is unconscious one assassin will do.

Home security is a serious issue in Nigeria but some of the movie directors don’t seem to think so. Only in Nigerian movies will you see an uninvited guest just stroll into the living room of a (bewildered) homeowner whose sat there wondering 'What are you doing here?' Surprisingly the response is never, 'Oh, your incompetent security guard let me in' or 'Your 8-foot gate was left wide open so I showed myself in'. Directors, (tisk, tisk).

One that really baffles me is when Nigerian movie directors dabble in Special Effects - Believe me, they're about as special as a blink from the man whose job is to watch paint dry. For instance, an actor was thrown over a balcony by some baddies - very dramatic, right? How about the hallowing scream of the actor who was plummeting to the concrete below? That was even more dramatic. But the downside (ironically) was the fact that the scream echoed long after he had hit the ground, and why wouldn't it, the building was only 2 storeys high! Could you even scream for up to 3seconds during that short drop? The actor's 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo' should have been a more realistic, 'Noo, (kaplunk!)'. Learning point: A lengthy, echoing scream is only necessary when an actor is thrown off a 10-storey building or into an abyss.

And lets not forget the unnecessary sequels. Just about every Nigerian movie I've watched on TV had part 2 coming straight after it. It's not like they are necessary in the first place. A lot of time is wasted in Part 1 with dancing scenes (Ave. Running Time: 5mins), flashback scenes (Ave. Running Time: 10mins), and the worst yet, driving scenes (Ave. Running Time: Close to forever). But love 'em or hate 'em, Nigerian movies are quite entertaining and I hope that you watch at least one in your lifetime - you'll be glad you did wink
RomanceRe: 10 Things Men And Women Do That Destroy Relationships by Jollof(m): 7:23pm On Mar 28, 2010
@ Poster - I can relate with what your husband-to-be does. He is not an obsessive-compulsive person. Its just something men sometimes do when we're scared of our space being 'invaded' by another person. I've acted this way in the past with my girlfriend, sisters and friends who stay over. But as per relationships you may want to sit and talk to him and ensure there are no underlying issues he's bottling up inside. Choose a quiet happy moment when you're together and cosy then ask gently. Once things are straightened out this behaviour should gradually disappear. Marriage is not the type to fix this. Fix this NOW shocked
PoliticsRe: Woman 39, Conceals 1.5kg Of Heroine Inside Hair. by Jollof(m): 7:00pm On Mar 28, 2010
Drug Concealment methods in the past:

- Anus
- Stomach
- Oesophagus/Throat
- Baby

And now, Hairhuh I guess the next one will be Fat i.e. Concealing drugs surgically between the fat of larger than life people. But I suggest they don't bother coz they will get fished out sooner or later and probably be so unlucky as to get caught in China!
PoliticsRe: Bayelsa State Governor Involved In N100 Billion Fraud. by Jollof(m): 6:48pm On Mar 28, 2010
As a fellow Bayelsian I am utterly disgusted with the spate of greed epitomized by Timipre Silva. N100bn? I know things will get better in the end. There's only so much the locals can take and probably anarchy wil reign supreme for a while.

@Octar6 - you are obviously not a Bayelsian. Thanks for the prayers tho smiley
HealthRe: Acid Rain Forecast In Parts Of Nigeria by Jollof(m): 11:10pm On Mar 24, 2010
lol @ dominique's comment. thats not a bad idea! shame its a false alarm
Jokes EtcRe: Madman On 3rd Mainland Bridge by Jollof(op): 11:34pm On Jun 23, 2009
wow! I neva thot I would get this many responses or views, considering this is not my first post. glad it put a smile on all ya faces, grin
Jokes EtcMadman On 3rd Mainland Bridge by Jollof(op): 11:55pm On Jun 20, 2009
There was a madman on Third Mainland Bridge in Lagos who kept shouting to himself everyday. He was shouting out the number ‘Thirteen!’ repeatedly. Motorists used to drive past him but one curious passenger asked a driver in the bus to stop so he could ask the madman what he was shouting ‘Thirteen’ all day for. The driver obliged and parked to one side of the bridge. The passenger got down and approached the madman with caution but he kept some distance. He asked the madman, ‘Why are you shouting Thirteen?’ The madman stopped shouting and politely answered to the passenger’s surprise, ‘It’s a secret but come and I will tell you.’ The passenger saw no harm in this and was anxious to finally unravel this mystery once and for all.

The bus driver and the other passengers looked on in horror as they suddenly saw the madman strugggle with the stray passenger before flinging him over the bridge into the ocean. As soon as he he did that he started shouting ‘Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

More at www.crazynigerian.
Music/RadioRe: What Are You Listening To Right Now? by Jollof(m): 4:56pm On Mar 05, 2009
Blame it on the Alcohol by T-Pain, in my mind though
CelebritiesRe: Rihanna Marries Chris Brown by Jollof(m): 4:51pm On Mar 05, 2009
whoa! I hope your sources are accurate, thats a wholw soap opera right there
CelebritiesRe: 'beyonce Or Shakira: Who Winds Waist Better? by Jollof(m): 4:48pm On Mar 05, 2009
shakira hands down. ask Wyclef
Jokes EtcRe: Just Give Me My Change by Jollof(m): 4:24pm On Mar 05, 2009
lmao. good one!
Jokes EtcRe: Just Give Me My Change by Jollof(m): 4:20pm On Mar 05, 2009
lmao. good one!
LiteratureLurking In The Woods I by Jollof(op): 4:02pm On Mar 05, 2009
There was a group of teenagers who set out travelling in a car early one morning at 5am before the sun was out. It was still dark and the young guys left so early because they wanted to arrive at their destination before 1pm. In the car were four guys. They were all wide awake and sharing jokes whilst zooming down the empty road, that is, up until 6am when nobody was laughing anymore.

The driver in the car had noticed a figure up ahead by the side of the road. As he got closer it became apparent that it was an elderly looking woman in a dark long gown. She was waving down the car. The driver started to slow down but the other guys objected to him stopping for the old lady.He insisted however on pulling over because it was ‘his car and his decision’. When he pulled over to the side of the road, the old lady smiled and asked if she could be taken to a nearby hospital. On seeing the old lady’s face they all saw that she was bleeding from the head and her clothes were stained with blood.

Everyone in the car decided that picking up the old lady wasn’t a good idea so the driver apologized to the old lady and put his foot on the accelerator. To their surprise their car wasn’t not moving but it was making screeching noises. As the guys looked to the side of the car they saw that the old lady had her hand on the side mirror. She didn’t look like she had the strength to do it but she was actually keeping the car at a stand still. Simultaneously the car window came down automatically and the old lady stuck her head through to the horror of the teenagers and shouted:

‘ THE MOMENT YOU CROSS ME A THIRD TIME YOU WILL SURELY DIE!’

All the while the driver was still accelerating but the car was going nowhere fast until the old lady released her hand from the car. The car sped off into the dark and all the guys in the car were left in a cold sweat, cursing and panicking. They could hear an eerie but distant cackle which was supposedly from the old lady they left behind. The guy in the front seat wanted to go back home. The two guys at the back kept arguing about myths and legends being fact or fiction. Only the driver remained completely silent, being the one whom the old lady appeared to be staring at when she uttered the dreaded curse.

As the guys continued on their journey they noticed a similar looking old lady by the side of the road waving down the car. On passing the lady they realized the lady looked exactly like the one they had passed earlier. The panicking got worse in the car but only the driver continued to remain silent…nervous but silent. He eventually stopped the car in the middle of the road and broke down in tears. The other guys were bemused at his display and asked what was wrong. The driver composed himself and made an unexpected revelation:

‘The woman we passed twice is the same lady that I ran over last night. It was an accident… I swear. She died and I had to get rid of the body…I mean, I don’t want to go to jail. I didn’t know what else to do. I freaked out. Look guys, If I keep going further I’ll pass the lady a third time and I don’t want to die. You guys are going to have to find your way.’

The guys looked puzzled and thought that he was joking about getting jilted. They were in the middle of nowhere and there wasn’t a vehicle in sight for the last half hour. The driver wasn’t willing to drive back either because he risked meeting the old lady again. The driver insisted that the other guys hitch a ride and to also confirm if they saw old lady along the way. They did exactly that after getting on a bus soon after. By the time they reached their destination hours later they called the driver and reported that the old lady was not seen, The driver was content and confirmed that he was on his way to meet them up in 2 hours.

However, 6 hours later the driver didn’t show up. By the time it was evening the other guys had no choice but to get a bus back home. He wasn’t picking up any of the calls the guys had tried making to his mobile phone. On their way back they noticed the driver’s car parked by the side of the road. They quickly alerted the bus driver to drop them off. They approached the car slowly and called out the driver’s name. The car doors were unlocked and the car key was left in the ignition but he wasn’t inside. They tried reaching him on his mobile phone again and they were startled when they heard a faint ringtone close by.

After they searched the front and back seats of the car they went on to check around the car and the nearby roadside. But somehow the ringtone sounded louder when they stood close to the back of the car. One of the guys suggested to check the boot…

Low and behold the driver was found…

x

x

x

x

…dead. His eyes were glazed open

x

x

x

x

…with a horror-stricken expression

x

x

x

x

…because he was not alone -

x

x

x

x

…Clutching his left arm

x

x

x

x

…was a dead old lady

x

x

x

x

…with an unsettling smile.
, xTx,
LiteratureRe: My Book Of Rants! by Jollof(m): 10:12am On Mar 02, 2009
I hate traffic on Monday mornings, I hate Sunday evenings because I'm thinking about Monday, I hate Monday Meetings, I think Monday used to be called Moanday or perhaps even Mournday, I hate Monday because I carry over things from last Monday, I hate that after Church on Sunday the first sin I commit is usually on, wait for it, MONDAY!!! I hate that I can never choose to fall sick on a Monday. I don't want my birthday to ever fall on a Monday. I do not plan to marry on Monday, yes i think it's safe to say that I HATE MONDAYS!!!!!
LiteratureRe: Naija Love Rhymes For Valentine by Jollof(m): 9:55am On Mar 02, 2009
ok, if u dey sincere, one thing u fit bring:
next time u post 4 hia, make u add my engagement ring!!!!
^^ nice one. Let me see, hmm

Honi, wetin you want? Na Gucci or Prada?
I be correct boy so money no be wahala
Na ma ride you suppose be, not Okada
We go chop die you go tink say na Salah
My luff tall pass - na you go need Ladder
Notin dey happen baby, make i com hala!
I wan marry so make we go see yor fada, grin
LiteratureRe: Amazing Nigeria Signs! by Jollof(m): 9:23am On Mar 02, 2009
lol

I saw a sign, 'CARS ARE PARKED AT OWNER'S RISK' and parked just by the side of the sign was a white volvo with all its tyres deflated!

Lesson: Take Naija signs seriously!!!

Another sign i saw said 'DO NOT URINATE HERE' and sure enough I spotted some wise-ass stooping near the sign to do a No.2

Lesson: Naija has a way around everything cheesy
Jokes EtcOnly down-to-earth Nigerians can relate to this...lol by Jollof(op): 1:21pm On Feb 28, 2009
You'd be amazed at what N100 could buy for you todayin Lagos. Follow the link below and enjoy cheesy


http://crazynigerian./category/just-for-fun/
LiteratureRe: Experiences and thoughts of an ex-Nigerian in Diaspora by Jollof(op): 1:07pm On Feb 27, 2009
N.B. - I would apppreciate feedback on what you think of the content.

Many thanks guys
WebmastersRe: Nigerian Blogs by Jollof(m): 1:04pm On Feb 27, 2009
LiteratureExperiences and thoughts of an ex-Nigerian in Diaspora by Jollof(op): 6:22pm On Feb 23, 2009
This post was originally meant to be in the 'Blogger list' topic elsewhere on this forum but thanks to Admin i think here's perfect!

My blog offers non-fiction writing, poetry, Tips for 1st time visitors to Naija and Nigerians abroad, Nigerian news (updated Mon-Fri) and funny experiences since my return from UK to Lagos, Nigeria, and there's lots more.

If you like what you've seen then do subscribe and spread the word cheesy

http://www.crazynigerian.

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