Stats: 3,228,543 members, 8,079,545 topics. Date: Sunday, 16 February 2025 at 03:15 PM |
Nairaland Forum / Jollof's Profile / Jollof's Posts
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By now it's probably no surprise that BBM (Blackberry Messenger) is inching closer to extinction like the hair on my head. The once popular social chat tool has been overridden by WhatsApp, which you may agree is far more accessible for any smartphone. HOWEVER, 1. They overstep boundaries. It's one thing if you went to school with someone and lost touch after a good number of years, then from out of the blue that person contacts you on WhatsApp. If the person was a friend then naturally you would be pleased. But imagine you have been going to your office and perhaps wrote your phone number in a car parking register by special order of the security man, then you receive a Whatsapp message from that Security over the weekend saying, 'Good afternoon sir. How was your night?' (like we're on that level sef!...mschew). Thank God for the 'Block' option. 2. They can spam. As in, spaaaaaaaaaaam your app. If you're not careful and you happen to be in a hyperactive WhatsApp group, you'll be getting over a hundred notifications...per minute. Some wonder why their battery life keeps draining before noon - now you know. Thank God for the 'Mute'option. 3. They can spread fake news. I love being informed just as much as the next guy but for heaven's sake let's try to authenticate the news before broadcasting to all our Whatsapp contacts biko. With time if one keeps spreading false reports eventually you'll be know as the contact who is always 'yanning dust' or the one your contacts will start ignoring when you actually publish genuine news. The 'Forward' should be used only after Google has been referred to (I can't shout). 4. They can send plenty videos. Choi! Please I have a question - If they are going to send me videos which I have to download, can they also be generous to send data as well? Last time I checked data is not cheap (N2,000 for 2 GB). 5. They go dey pose (denge-denge). Ever since Whatsapp 'funkified' the Status section, I've been using my green eye to scope contacts having fun on vacation, exotic resorts, expensive interior decor, gourmet dishes...ati be be lo. Please, Facebook has tortured some of us enough with all these photos so just your profile picture in an empty background will be sufficient on WhatsApp biko nu. These habits may not annoy people but it may just be that we've gotten used to it. After all, we can always just delete the app if it came right down to it. But that will NEVER happen ![]() On to my next rant... 2 Likes |
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it's all relative. |
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Emmalexmng: There you go ![]() 1 Like |
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Randy100: I'm a writer of funny stories at The Crazy Nigerian dot com. I haven't considered stand-up comedy but I'll have to overcome my stage fright first ![]() |
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Ahmeduana: I scored an F9. But I stated it clearly at the end of the story ![]() |
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ybalogs:a big fat F9 = Fail |
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The English language is not as complicated as some of us think it is - of course HUMANS make it complicated just like everything else; relationships, gender, sexuality, etc. But getting your point across (in English) to an English speaker couldn't be that difficult, could it? I remember once when I was travelling on London's underground I encountered a loud-mouth sitting opposite me. She was screaming down her mobile phone whilst the train was still overground. She was trying to get an alpha-numeric code (excuse me, letters and numbers) across to the recipient but she may as well have been a Scottish stammerer stuttering through a mouthful of hot potatoes... '...t! t! I said T not D...T! T! T! Can you hear me? I said T o! I DIDN'T SAY D...No! we are not saying the same thing! T for Tayo...Eh heh...yes...Wait o, did you say Dayo?...NOT D! T-T-T- HELLO...HELLO?...' - She lost reception just as I was beginning to lose my mind. Anyway I'm sure most of us who've booked airline/railway tickets are not bemused by the coded lingo the sales reps smack unto our eardrums i.e. R for Romeo, G for Golf, T for Tango, S for Sugar, F for Freddie, etc. You could save yourself a whole lot of saliva if you tried. After all, isn't the important thing to be heard and understood? The Internet has captured the shorthand generation of SMS pundits who now marade chatrooms with their lol, lmao, rotf, rotflmao, brb, gtg, ttyl, wtf, tgif, l8r, gn8 and the 'not so popular' myob. These codes have transpired into everyday use and MUST be understood by all. I only have one instance in my life where the English Language did not prove useful - my JSCE...in Yoruba. I still remember the way my paper remained blank whilst I stared at the Essay question which said something about writing on my first day at secondary school (I think). I looked to my left and I looked to my right but no one was ready to let me sneak a peak. I did the only thing I could think of at that point...do a written plea (in English) and hope that the examiner would be sympathetic enough to let me sail through. It was way back in 1993 when I was 13 but it went a lil something like this... 'Dear Sir, I am from Rivers State and I speak Ijaw. You can even look at my name. I do not understand Yoruba at all and the teachers always taught us in Yoruba and I did not understand what they were saying. Please I am begging you to please take pity on me and let me pass this exam. I would be so grateful and I am sure you have a kind heart. Thank you so much. God bless.' I still laugh about the whole thing and even now in Lagos I'm speaking Yoruba at a very basic conversational level. Even when I struggle to speak some people choose not to hear - I've been referred to as Tanwa and Tomiwa and I deliberately chose not to respond. If you were born 'Kehinde' and you allow people in Jand to refer to you as 'Kenny' then dont complain! In conclusion, the English Language is still evolving and a good grasp of it could make all the difference in nailing that job interview, courting your future partner, getting picked to be the Best Man, receiving a standing ovation for a speech, and not to mention, writing a damn good persuasive letter...which reminds me - I almost forgot to state my Yoruba JSCE result... I got an F9. ...yes, you guessed it! I failed. 19 Likes 1 Share |
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Introduction - When my life really started to suck I had been making choices all my life, and there I was in the waiting lounge at Heathrow Airport about to make yet another one: who should I sit next to? There was an empty seat next to a stressed-out mother of three little demons, but it wasn’t tempting enough for me. There was another free seat next to the human Agama lizard who kept nodding in his sleep, but I wasn’t in the mood to give anyone shoulder support. I wanted my space. I kept scanning and straining my short-sighted eyes until I eventually had my Eureka moment – there was a free seat next to a young lady who had no kids with her, was wide awake, and was listening to her earphones. Excellent! I thought. With roughly two hours to kill before boarding my Lagos-bound plane, I rolled my stroller to the vacant seat and got myself ready to wallow in self-pity. I had reached an all-time low: I was broke, I was being weighed down by a huge credit card bill, I was getting hate-mail from ruthless debt recovery agencies, I was at a dead-end bank job in London with few prospects for promotion, and there was no girlfriend to tell me ‘everything will be okay’. The girl sitting next to me suddenly spoke: ‘Excuse me … did you go to Chrisland school?’ I wondered if my luck was about to change. ‘Yeah! Were you in my set? ‘No, I was in your sister’s set. You’re her big brother, right? ‘Yeah, that’s me.’ ‘I thought so. But please remind me, what’s your name?’ I paused, not because I had been struck with amnesia but because I knew this was about to be one of those awkward moments with which I was all too familiar… Find out how to get the rest of the story on my website and let me know what you think of the intro so far. Thank you Nairalanders ![]()
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Whether you like it or not your friends see you in a certain way; you could be either at the top or the bottom of their priority list, you could be the last thought on their mind before they go to bed or the first thought that makes them want to let out a torrent of abuses, or you could be the one who they think of going out of their way for to buy a birthday gift or the one whom they can't even be bothered to drop an 'HBD' one-liner on your Facebook page wall (is that what they call it these days?). It all begs the question 'What kind of friend are you to your friends?' 1. The Hangout friend - Some of your friends might just see you as the one they call when they want to have a good time at the restaurant, club, bar, ice-skating rink, movies (you get my drift). A night on the town is fun with you (and a night on the prowl is equally fun with you). They don't see you as indoor person and you're usually the same person they turn to for advice on hangout spots and 9 outta 10 you're the one who plans get-togethers for your friend circle. 2. The Make out friend - You may have a friend or two who don't want to be in a serious, committed relationship but still want to be able to kiss and caress you every time from time to time. A more common term used to describe this arrangement is 'Friends with benefits' and 'No strings attached'. Whether or not they want to be seen in public with you is an entirely separate matter. You'll find that if you're this type of friend to someone it doesn't usually last long...or at least one of you gets into a relationship. 3. The Handout friend - Your friends would looooooooove you if you were this type of friend. I mean, who wouldn't? Every time you all go out the drinks are on you. You have dinner and the bill is on you. You throw parties every now and again where your friends are not compelled to bring so much as a complimentary bottle of wine (cheapskates!). Best (or worst) of all they see you as the person they can ask for soft loans or what I like to call N.G.P.B loans ('Never Gonna Pay Back' loans). Note: They will definitely be coming round for Christmas! 4.The Opt out friend - Maybe you're the one who likes to always turn down invitations to weddings, parties, church functions, dinners, etc. You're the one who never wants to contribute money to any group investment where you all stand to benefit. You're more than likely to receive fewer invitations as time goes by (and then you're dependent on social media for updates on what your friends are up to). 5.The No doubt friend - To some of your friends you could be seen as the one whom they can count on no matter what. Are they stranded in the Kalahari desert? You'll be quick to the rescue. Are they in dire need of a kidney donor? You're already taking your shirt off and jumping on the operating table. Once you're around everyone around you has peace of mind knowing full well that you are in control, you are dependable and you are solid as a rock. Everyone needs to have at least one friend like this but they're hard to come by. 6. The Mad about friend - It could be that you're so loyal, eloquent, well-dressed, good-looking, fun to be with, the one who can do no wrong - if that's you then you're probably no. 1 on their priority friends list. They're borderline obsessed with you and in extreme cases you have to beat them off with a stick. They want to be in all your business all the time. 7.The Talk about friend - Now if you're this type of friend it could be a hit or miss. If you're up to no good they'll be talking about you and spreading exaggerated rumours. You probably refer to them as haters. On the other hand, if you're trail blazing and moving on up in life they will be speaking well of you and even boasting that they know you personally (persona-personally - Naija peeps will get this). You don't have to be a celeb to be this kind of friend. Just keep doing controversial stuff and you're bound to get your friends' attention. 8. The Inside Out friend - Are you the friend that knows everything about your friends? You know their birthdays, their strengths and weaknesses, their phobias and pet peeves, and so much more than they could ever know about themselves. You have to be someone who is trustworthy for your friends to be able to divulge their deepest, darkest secrets. 9. The Time Out friend - Your friends turn to you when they've had a long, stressful day or they've just come out of a nasty break-up or they want to just escape from the seriousness of life for a moment and just chill out with you. When the going is good they may not be in touch very much but once things start to go a bit 'Pete Tong' your phone number is right on their fingertip. It's quite possible to be one or even all of these friend types to your various friends. Which friend type do you think you are to most of your friends? ![]() |
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I'm first going to go into the whole positive spiel about how happily married couples share everything including the toothbrush (eew!) and how they keep absolutely nothing from each other (in case you missed it, I just said the positive bit!). The negative bit I'm about to unleash (Armageddon style) is not for the faint-hearted wives or judgmental/paranoid wives-to-be. If you fall into either category then please close this article now and wait for another publication, otherwise please read on... Men have secrets, some more than others. When they get married they may choose to share some secrets but where do they draw the line without triggering a marriage meltdown? A husband may want to 'put a sock in it' if they woke up one morning and decided to narrate an intimate dream that didn't involve their wife (even if the woman involved was some impossible-to-get celebrity). That's just asking for a whole lot of trouble. How about that special female friend whom he's been in touch with before and after marriage? I don't think a married man will see sense in disclosing that kind of info, unless of course his wife wasn't the jealous type (that's like saying there are dogs that aren't the barking type!). On a scarier note, a considerate husband would not disclose any possible regrets for marrying his wife...at least not to the wife. It's a tough pill to swallow but marriage proposals founded on pity, unplanned pregnancy or financial gain may soon begin to see Frustration rear its ugly head. Next thing you know, the truth is out there like the X-files! Sadly some women just can't handle the truth; which brings me to the fourth thing husbands won't tell their wives - how their wives REALLY look. I'm not talking about the diplomatic 'You like fine, dear'. I mean If she's having a real 'off' day e.g. she's a little heavy and she's concerned about her weight, she's got extremely sensitive skin and she's concerned about her spots, or perhaps she's got a freakishly futuristic hairdo she loves but you have a big question mark about, etc. But it's not all about the wife, what she looks like or what private relationships or dreams she's unaware of - there's also other 'assets' to worry about. I heard about joint bank accounts for couples where either can sign to make withdrawals but let's face it; how many husbands would tell their wives about that private account where their (back-up) funds are kept safe from frivolous spending, possible divorce settlements, etc? You only know what you know, you know ![]() |
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Warning: This article may upset the 'lovey dovey' women (you know, the Cinderella-happily-ever-after-romcom-sex-and-the-city-bridget-jones-diary types) who believe wedding rings must be worn at all times after the marriage ceremony is long over. On the other hand, this article may simultaneously excite newly married men (among others) who can't wait to take their wedding 1. Wrong size. If the ring is a very 2. Discomfort. Apart from irritation (which may vary from just reaction to Nickel) it may just feel like extra weight ('yeah right' I hear the ladies say). For hands-on type of men it would be in the way if, for instance, you're a gym instructor and you lift weights which result in blisters from the extra friction. 3. Carelessness. Some men take off their rings each time they're taking a shower or participating in sports 4. Choice. Dear women, believe it or not but there are men out there who never took a liking to wearing any piece of jewelry whatsoever. Not every man is 'down with the bling'. Conservative types tend to think it's all a bit flashy. In some dodgy parts of the world an expensive-looking ring is an invitation to armed robbers (and if the ring is too tight when they apprehend you, that finger may get chopped off). 5. Infidelity. Introducing the dreaded word no married woman wants to hear (and also the word most female readers scrolled down this article to find - as you can see, I didn't disappoint ![]() Okay, okay, this is a scary topic for some but there's no need for women to fear. Now you've got your checklist so hopefully there should be a lesser chance of any unpleasant surprises. And if you're religious pray, for God's sake PRAY! *Article based on a mini survey I carried out with married and unmarried men* |
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Endorsing... |
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So you've hustled the streets of Lagos and discovered that there is a growing affiliation towards Nigerian music - you hear it blasting from the cars with lowered windows as the drivers try to conserve fuel (cheapskates) and you also see it from the number of CD singles being sold like hot cake for N150/$1 (street hawkers) . You can't quite understand this because you remember a time when you stormed into a club with 'Return of the Mack' to welcome you, followed shortly by 'This Is How We Do It'. But this is NOT how the clubs are doing it now. Out goes the American hip-hop & RnB and in comes the Nigerian pidgin-pop & PnP (Peter and Paul, commonly known as PSquared). You've seen D'banj do it, Wande Coal do it, M.I do it, Davido do it, and Darey do it (though he's arguably not as rich as the other artists) but nonetheless, a ludicrous idea starts to brew in your dandruff-riddled head - If I can record one hit song I can stop eating Indomie noodles for life! Whilst this couldn't be further from the truth (with zero singing experience, zero credibility and zero myspace fans to your name), miracles abound when you consider the following valuable tips: 1. Craft a cool stage name for yourself: Don't call yourself 'David'; call yourself 'Davido'! Don't call yourself Dapo Oyebanjo; call yourself 'D'banj'. If your real name is Alex Poopoo (which has already gotten your singing career off to a terrible start) then get creative and transform your name to 'Lexi-P' - you get my drift? Boring names in the Nigerian music industry don't get you very far e.g. Dare Art Alade, which was subsequently transformed to 'Darey', now looks and sounds much cooler. 2. Use Autotune and plenty of it: You don't have to know how to sing - that's years of sore lungs and ear-deafening you don't have time for. Do what the veterans are doing - synthesize your wack voice and you will soon be sounding like T-pain, Lil' Wayne, Wande Coal, 9ice and Wizkid, just to mention a few. 3. Make your chorus catchy with keywords (and repeat them throughout the song): The best part about this tip is that the keyword doesn't have to be an actual word that exists in the English dictionary. For example, just say words like 'ti-ko-ko ti-koko' and explain in your song that this the sound your heart makes when your dream girl is around you. Also, make as many exclamations as possible. Beyonce's 'Crazy in love' track is laced with the 'Uh-oh' sound which sounds like she's made one to many blunders but works like a charm. Rhianna cleverly adds the exclamation 'eh-eh-eh!' to her platinum track 'Umbrella' and Banky W can testify to its success. Inyang has also proven theory with 'Your waist' (not my waist, lol). 4. Infuse pidgin into every track: Remember, this is the Nigerian market you're trying to penetrate. If you sing completely in English then you will NOT be relating on the same level with the average Nigerian. In fact you'll probably be seen as being a stuck-up, arrogant, returnee from the UK or US who's trying to impress those who've got ZERO chance of getting VISAs to travel out of Nigeria in the foreseeable future. E.g. While Darey's 'Not the girl' was a hit among the hip Nigerian community, it wasn't churning the kind of public interest and cash that D'banj's 'Ogbono feli feli' was doing effortlessly. Today, Darey is attempting more club bangers and lacing them with generous helpings of pidgin English (The song 'Ba Ni Kidi' is not exactly a work of art but definitely a work of Art-Alade). But by far the most important tip you consider when planning to make a hit song in Nigeria is to make an appointment with the Hitmakers. Yes, the Hitmakers. Every desperate artist in Nigeria who has engaged in business with them has made certified hits (I have been discouraged by some of my blog fans to mention actual names). The artists themselves do not own up to that fact, nor do the Hitmakers who prefer to keep their dealings private. Somehow, I feel we know who they are. I imagine if you were to go to their secret studio your nauseating song would be transformed into a beatilicious cocktail of pidgin and nonsensical exclamations in no time. I can give you the lead...but it'll cost you ![]() 3 Likes |
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@ OP - Thanks for bringing up the issue of Corruption but the issue isn't necessarily whether or not it's increasing or decreasing...it exists and it has reached alarming levels as you've pointed out. The next post you should be thinking of (and that would be more engaging) should be how to tackle corruption. This forum should serve as a decent sample of Nigerians from diverse backgrounds so I believe it would be interesting to see the different ways we think it can be reduced e.g. How would you tackle corruption as the President of Nigeria? And please be reminded that even though we know the corruption in government/public sector is one issue, corruption in the private sector also exists...some churches are no exception. Looking forward to the follow-up. |
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@ all the haters who dislike my post - Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Mission accomplished! For the record, I'm a Nigerian and proudly one too. I'm also not perfect and I never said I was. I never said other nationalities are incapable of doing these annoying things - my focus was on Nigerians only. Insults directed towards the OP just imply that I have struck a nerve that caused you to vent in an uncouth manner. Unfortunately for you, there will be more of these types of posts and I won't stop until attitudes start to change. Sue me or post your own ![]() 4 Likes |
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Like me, I bet you've all run around with your bathing towels wrapped above your shoulders like a cape and pretended to be Superman (and if you haven't then it's never too late!). Ever since I was a little brat I wanted to take to the skies. Air travel is the next best thing and I'm always looking forward to having a glass plastic cup of ice-cold apple juice which always tastes better at 10,000 feet. What could possibly disrupt this moment of long-awaited bliss? Cue the Nigerians... On my recent return trip from New York alone I encountered 7 annoying things Nigerians did on the plane: 1. Securing beds...in Economy Class! There's a game Nigerian passengers play whenever they're on-board a semi-full airplane - It's kind of similar to Musical Chairs...but without the music. Passengers snub the seats assigned to them and scout for a stretch of three to four empty seats before take-off. Handbags and other luggage items are strategically placed on empty seats in the hope for that Business Class experience - pathetic. 2. Making dramatic Nollywood scenes. Whoever said 'Rules are meant to be broken' must have been a Nigerian. We're pretty damn good at breaking rules...into smithereens, just for good measure. There was one woman sat at the front of economy class with her less-than-a-year-old baby. She put her baby down on the empty seat next to her when the seat belt light was off (not sure if that's proper in the first place but I'll let her off on that one). The moment the seat belt light was back on, however, one of the air hostesses called her to order and told her to strap her baby in place - RED ALERT! RED ALERT! MAY DAY! MAY DAY! You knew from the way the irritated mother turned her neck with that 'oh-no-you-didn't' expression all over her face that cabin pressure was under serious threat. Needless today she told the air hostess to mind her own business - ironically, that's what the air-hostess was trying to do in the first place...Safety of passengers...DUH! I can't remember if the thud I heard later on was due to turbulence or because the baby had rolled off the chair... 3. Taking pictures. You can imagine trying to enjoy a good book when suddenly the corner of your eye picks up the flash photography of some newbie whose obviously hell-bent on convincing everyone back in Nigeria that he/she indeed travel abroad. Newsflash! There may be people with photosensitive epilepsy on-board or nearby pilots wondering if there is a terrorist hijacking, with one unfortunate Nigerian who decided to break one simple rule 'DON'T MOVE!' (go figure!) 4. Farting. It's bad enough you left your assigned seat at the front and decided to come behind me and stretch yourself across four empty seats. Now you're so generous as to share your flatulence with me in small doses of ammonia-laced farts...not a one-off...periodic discharges which could catch choke me unawares if I dare yawn. FYI, avoid fizzy drinks on the plane if you know you can't handle your abdominal tract like few pros among us. 5. Drink to stupor. Is it the sheer pettiness of wanting to get one's money's worth that would make a passenger drink like a fish? (Remember, its Nigerians we're talking about here). Of course, it's not the drinking that bothers me but the mindless banter and laughter at completely 'unfunny' things that drives me up the Berlin wall (just like that - after a couple of drinks you'd be in stitches when you read 'drive me up the berlin wall'). 6. Leaving toilets unlocked. Common sense consistently fails to prevail when most Nigerians use the airline's restrooms. It all boils down to refusing to acknowledge the instructions/directions carefully displayed all around them. It's quite simple - you enter the restroom and close it behind you. Right there on door is a slide lock which denotes 'Slide left to lock and right to open'. Why wouldn't I be interested in making sure that no one accidentally sees my 'bits'? Didn't they notice the green 'vacant' or the red 'occupied' sign before entering the lavatory? At my last count I've walked in on 3 unfortunate passengers who forgot to lock behind (but they all did once I exposed them...makes you wonder, eh?). 7. Sitting ovation. I'm not sure if you can relate but you're nearing your flight destination and as soon as the plane lands successfully passengers around you start to clap until virtually everyone joins in. Why are they doing this, you ask? beats me - for landing safely or for not crashing into the deep blue sea or for getting their money's worth after usurping the mini bar...I dunno. The clapping is cheesy in my opinion. I'd much prefer passengers go one by one to shake the pilot(s) for a job well done plane well-landed. And coming in at a surprise number 8 is Irregular exercise. Make no mistake about it, Nigerians are terrified about premature death, more so than the average civilian (if that makes any sense). I've seen the most bizarre repetitions performed from kicking mid-air to punching only your left arm over the seat head in the same direction. Deep Vein thrombosis is no laughing matter so I guess all I have to do is close my eyes next time if I don't want to behold seemingly amateurish 'Kung-fu'. See you on the next flight and God help you if you're sitting next to me, lol. 44 Likes |
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@Omonnakoda No hating going on in here...just heated observations. If one thing has been established it's that there are a good number of cinema goers who want a better experience. Let's all be considerate in public places. If you know what the Germans et al are doing then good for you. Whether you like it or not, everybody who read this post will be more aware of these annoying things when next they go to the cinema. Maybe people will start behaving themselves a bit better...I hope. |
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My girl and I went to see Jack and the Beanstalk Jack the Giant Slayer last night and it was more entertaining than I had anticipated (Though I never noticed any female giants, which begs the question, 'How on earth were such a mythical army of 'males' born in the first place?). We arrived in good time, bought the calorie-adding popcorn and fizzy drink, plus we were the third couple to walk into the screening room, allowing us to pick choice seats. Unfortunately there was one critical factor we were completely unprepared for and had no way of predicting - the unpredictability of Nigerian cinema goers. *flexes fingers* 1. Talking on their phones. Whilst we watched Fee Fi Fo Fum confront Jack, I had to hold myself from not confronting the buffoon on my row who was answering a mobile phone call. He made no attempt to whisper - you could hear every single word he was saying (so much so that I heard him say he would call back in 10 minutes when he knew fully well that the movie had another hour to go! Seriously?!!). He must have talked for a good 3 minutes with no interruptions - not even a 'shush' from anyone in the audience...bizarre. I know what I was thinking of telling him (To know what that was, click here only if you're 18 or older). 2. Putting their feet up on the seat in front. Despite the fact that the seats in Silverbird Cinemas Ikeja can be reclined (just like you have on airplanes) some movie goers here still feel the need to milk every possible position of comfort. Not only is putting your feet up on someone else's seat bad manners but it also makes the poor person sat in that chair look like a bunny rabbit with dirty ears! (imagine the soles of two shoes on top of someone's head). 3. Bringing babies under 1 year. I'm no expert on babies but I'm pretty sure that exposing their tiny eardrums to thunderous explosions aptly amplified by Dolby surround speakers (just for good measure) would not aid hearing development. I can understand the challenges of finding a trustworthy babysitter or persuading a relative to watch over the baby. However, there's always the earplugs option, the rent-a-DVD option or the wait-till-the-movie-comes-out-on- DVD option. For God's sake, prioritize! baby first, giants later! 4. Talking to the cinema screen. We all get carried away sometimes. But when there are other people around you there should be limits. At what point would a movie watcher realize that all his warnings and pockets of advice are not being ignored by the movie characters - THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU BECAUSE IT IS ONLY A MOVIE! Or maybe they just feel the people around them are probably so dim that we need an indirect explanation to bring us up to speed >> 'Thanks but I watched the movie synopsis, I'm familiar with this sort of mythological theme and story-line, and most importantly I have over 25 years of movie-watching experience!' Keep your commentary to yourself and STFU refer to the link in point 1. 5. Standing up minutes before the movie ends. Some Nigerians just don't get the full value of what they pay for simply because they lack patience. Take for instance the blockbuster movie The Avengers which had some added movie footage after the credits. Other notable movies with added footage include, THOR and Fast Five. It wouldn't hurt to just sit tight for another 3 minutes just to be sure that you haven't missed a sneak preview into any possible sequels. Or don't they even want to know the name of that really good actress with the nice butt and sexy accent or the hunk with the biceps and piercing blue eyes? (for example). I frankly don't care if they stay or go but they usually disrupt my viewing pleasure as they make no attempt to crouch as they pass in front of me - inconsiderate bunch of *#@%?!! Alas, I have come to the end of my intended rant. If you've been a victim then I'm sure you can relate to this article. If you have other annoying things people (not necessarily Nigerians) do in the movie theaters then please spill the magic beans ![]() 49 Likes |
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I took off the blindfolds and stared down the terror-stricken eyes of my ill-fated hostages; all six of them. After years of meticulous planning, painstaking surveillance and internet hacking I was able to lure this miserable bunch into a single location and finally prepare to carry out the judgement they all rightfully deserved. As I became increasingly irritated by the muffled sounds of my gagged victims, I pulled out my .38 calibre revolver and let my aim wander around the Circle of Doom. I opened the gun chamber and pulled out one of the six bullets - this was deliberate as I only planned to execute 5 of my victims. I cocked the gun slowly and glanced over to my first hostage. Hostage #1: She was the gold-digger who poisoned my brother in order to cash in on his life insurance. Hostage #2: He was the sick bastard who kidnapped and molested my 10 year-old daughter whom hasn't said a word in 4 months. Hostage #3: He was the selfish landlord who cut off the heating in my old parents place last winter and left them to freeze to death just because the rent was a little overdue. Hostage #4: She was the raving lunatic who sent our sex videos over the internet to the Accounting Institute. My licence was revoked and she rendered me jobless. Hostage #5: He was the good-for-nothing car thief who took a baseball bat to my temple and inflicted permanent damage to my left eye. Hostage #6: He was the incompetent and insensitive bank clerk who refused to let me cash the ransome money...MY OWN MONEY...which I desperately needed to rescue my daughter (all because I didn't have any ID on me, thanks to the car thief). My heart was down. Their time was up. I closed my eyes and uttered a short prayer - asking for forgiveness for what I was about to do. And then, I shot Hostage #3, then Hostage #1, then Hostage #5, then Hostage #4 and then...I paused between Hostage #2 and Hostage #6. They were crying and pissing their pants as they had just witnessed the sheer brutality of a trigger-happy killer. I spared no remorse as I let my gun go off on Hostage #6. My gun chamber was now empty and I had 5 corpses with bullet holes in their heads. I told Hostage #2 that I wasn't going to shoot him. I took out the cloth in his mouth and he immediately blurted out a million thank you's for sparing his life. He continued crying and awaiting his fate while I turned away from him and proceeded to get my blow torch... |
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1. Money can come between friends 2. The highest qualification you attain will determine your salary package, unless you own your company 3. To get a job fast depends on your contacts - who knows who 4. Friends can back-stab you over money 5. When you are succeeding, your close friends may not actually be happy about it. 6. Be careful who tell your creative business ideas to. 7. NYSC completion is the ONLY way you will be employed as a graduate/post-graduate in Nigeria. 8. Most employers want to employ EXPERIENCED persons so your first job may not be your dream job. 9. The Saving culture is not imbibed early enough so you can invest in building your own house. 10. It's better to marry early and not wait till you've attend some desired status level. 11. You have to figure out your work-life balance or else you'll have no family time. 12. Love affairs at the office are not healthy. 13. Politics exists in every facet of life and you need to understand it to survive in Nigeria. 14. If you work for an employer you may have to brown-nose your boss. 15. If you work for yourself you have to cope with poor social infrastructure and high taxes 16. If you choose not to develop your computer skills you are on your own. 17. If your dream is to work in an oil company then guess what - so is most of Nigeria's jobseekers. 18. Nobody will remind you to update your CV so you better take hold of your career now 19. Your friends don't make the best business customers - they expect you to sell to them on credit. 20. Always have a plan B in paid employment because at any time a company can lay you off. (To be continued. Agree or disagree?) 3 Likes |
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Looks like it is worth checking out ![]() |
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Hi, the Sorento is swag but can I get an idea of the pricing if I order a KIA Sportage 2011? It's currently $18,295 in the U.S and I'd rather wait and buy that than to buy the old KIA Sportage. By the way, Diamond Bank and KIA/Dana Motors are doing a promo which allows for 0% interest payments over 12-18months with 30% and 25% down payments ![]() |
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I agree with the earlier posters on Page 1 (I can't believe this topic has gulped 3 pages already) but the word 'Chook' is as verasitle as the word 'Bleep' (you know what I really mean). It can be used in amny contexts in many ways like the one used by the last poster ^^ ![]() |
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A Journey By Tony Blair (former British Prime Minister) |
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@Poster - what do you think? |
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trionialerts@gmail.com |
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Thank God for the washing machine. If SHE refuses to wash my clothes then I know I must have upset her in some way. If she wants me to throw her clothes in the machine hey, no problem! |
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One word will do, PSYCHO |
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Answer - Yes, as long as he can mess around with others minus the commitment |
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Er-em, When Obama started his campaign the world laughed, 'he's black!', his middle name is Hussein!', 'he's from Kenya!', 'there has never been a black president!' Where are those haters/critcs now? Honk Kong was nothing over 30yrs ago but how about now? Dubai has always been around but why are most Nigerians booking holidays there now? Nigerians started the 'GHANA MUST GO' campaign but they're visiting Ghana almost every weekend and even living there. Nigeria is going through change. It wont be fast. It wont be easy. But this positive change WILL come whether haters like it or not. Thumbs up Nollywood!!! Haters: Go watch 'Ije' and see if the quality of that movie does not meet international standards. Peace |
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