₦airaland Forum

richie3384:
My dear op I have not finished reading the whole thread but from pg1 &2 that I read, all I can say is keep doing what you are doing now. It is your turn now to carry the family. You are engine2 which as of 2022 is strong for the family. Engine1 is still in training, the engineers are still coupling the engine1. Just be patient, the best time for engine1 is ahead. What I can also tell u is you are the chief engineer coupling engine1; garbage in garbage out. If u couple this engine1 in love & encouraging words telling him it's not easy for u but that u are assured that he will do much more when he is in his full strength, madam that is what u will get when he is ready. You are laying the bedrock of your marriage now and as u make ur bed.... On the other hand if u couple this engine1 in nagging and bitterness, that is what u will also get when it's ready. There are big men that don't joke with their wives because of the role & ATTITUDE their wives played in their downtime. Did u marry a good man? Does he understand ur sacrifices now? From ur writeup I am sure he does. Softly imbibe it in him more, this is your winning moment only if u understand. Your Attitude now matters alot more than your doings/role. Forget people telling u he will use u & dump u or a woman saying she did heaven and earth for so so man and he still left her; GO AND CHECK THE ATTITUDE THEY USED IN THEIR DOINGS. If u like keep nodding to faceless people on the internet, not everyone wants the best for you. At the end this engine1 will still be ready regardless of what you do now but most importantly how do u want it to serve u

I dont know you but this was a brilliant analysis. Thank you and I wish you success!!

RichMelanin:
Deltans are not wicked people, we are friendly and intelligent people
We can sometimes be coney when you try to play on our intelligence

We are very friendly and sarcastic people

i just tried to look up the definition of coney and couldnt find it. What do u mean?

I have lived with a girl from Delta, was neighbors with a guy from Delta. I know a few aunties from Delta. Lol. People I know have called them wicked.

The girl I lived with was sweet at first. I really liked her but then after a while I could see shes a bit wicked. Like someone will have a smile on their face while guiding u to hell lol! But I dont have a real opinion.

What do u all think?

I sense intelligence with a hint of wickedness always there.

socialmediaman:
I see that now

I think he needs time to get a better job. Menial jobs take the same time from you as regular jobs and they don't give you so much work history for your resume so it takes a while to make that transition to a regular full time job. He's stuck on the menial jobs because he has bills to pay so it will take a little more time to get the job that pays much better. They both need to talk it out and decide on how much time he needs to focus on applying and going for interviews.

It's all about communication and commitment. If he needs help with his resume or needs to work with an agent, he needs to do that, but they both need to understand the process and focus on it

I have faith he will find something. Hes intelligent but the job market where we live is not good

Drfernandez:
Be mindful of whose advice you listen to before you destroy your marriage. That sisisioge you quoted is almost 43 years and unmarried and has been used and dumped by different men because of her ugliness and bad character, also she is underemployed, so it should not be surprising that she has negative opinion about Nigerian men home and abroad.

u all kno each other?

Kobojunkie:
Marriage is an agreement between a man and woman, and the terms and conditions, particularly that which has to do with the living arrangement, caring for kids, bills etc. , remains fluid for the life of the marriage. We are humans and change is constant with us.

For that reason, it is essential for the two halves of the marriage to remain in constant communication with each other.

1. If you don't like paying more than half of the bills, you can communicate this to your partner and you can both renegotiate the plan you have..

2. If you feel you can't carry it all by yourself anymore, talk to him or seek professional marriage counseling as a couple so you both can work out a situation that works better for both of you.

3. If you need him doing more of the chores, speak up about it or broach that too when you seek professional marriage counseling so you can both iron out the issues concerning your marriage.

To be honest, Love is a concept foreign to many a married Nigerians. You only need to examine the many married-threads on here and comments from many who claim to be married to know this. They are mostly familiar love(fake) feelings induced by brain chemicals causing a tingly feeling in between their legs - that is what most consider love.

4. Please communicate the way you feel to him or better yet seek professional marriage counseling- none of the pastors or mogs nonsense abeg- so you and your spouse can get on the same page as far as your marriage is concerned..

Hm thank u this was insightful i appreciate the honesty. Can you define Nigerian marriage love a little bit more? I have heard this a little as well. So they think love is like infatuation? For me love is a deep profound understanding and a divine plan between two people.

Danyyyyyyyyyyy:
So she should cover the bills , go to work , take care of the children , clean , cook and then what?
You're supposed to just go and marry Wonder woman , wetin you dey find, e no dey market oh

What is her business with what his Nigerian people expect him to do ? Eeeeew I was disgusted reading that
He doesn't have a good job she understands that but he should help out with the chores at least , jeeeeeez
Diapers , fees , clothes , his 2 children are less important than his relatives in Nigeria right?

Men go to abroad and forget their manhood and start running after white woman coz they are easier to manipulate and easier to fool , with a selfless love story ,I love you money doesn't matter , until you find out how expensive babies are and how expensive it is to take care of a full grown man

LOL thank u. Are u Yoruba?

Kobojunkie:
Your idea of love na wa! What you describe reads more like the chemical induced kind to me.

we r talking on the internet its easy to interpret things incorrectly. I think in a relationship although not perfect we should be striving to help each other. Its excellent when a union can do that and help ease each others issues. In fact when the legal foundation of marriage was created the idea is that a man and woman marry and get in laws in order to do business and help each family. So the union helps with money and time. It is legally like a business in a lot of ways. We bare both costs to make life easier for each others family. He helps me too but I think there are a few things that need to change.

socialmediaman:
Your marriage is doing great if what you posted here is the true picture! Ask others to honestly share their opinions, yours may be in the top category. Marriage is not a union of convenience, it takes effort to make it work. There's a good reason they say there's no perfect marriage out there. If you feel cheated and exhausted, start early to communicate with him, and most importantly, see a marriage counselor so they can work it out for you. Random nairalanders cannot help with limited information from both parties, and surprisingly, everyone, including the unmarried and divorced, seems to know the solution to your marital issues.

lol i talked to my friend the other day and realize oh we dont even have half the problems of others but still want to make the union better somehow. Im a bit stressed

sisisioge:


Typical naija leech....may fortune smile on you o

I dont think hes a leach i just wonder how can we make things better. I came here to get ideas

Double0h7:
You're inquiring for a relative but You're answering all the comments in the first person. What do you guys get from making up all these tales by moonlight

Im his cousin he let me login to his account because i deactivated my old one and nairaland doesnt let ppl reactivate their account. So its on my phone right now he doesnt get on here that that much

sisisioge:
Let's not unnecessarily flog the matter....a typical example is the matter at hand. Naija guys were brought up to cater for their families....see how this our Jonny is even refusung to bear half despite leaving his spouse to take on the "women" chores and breeding kids with her. It is obvious the dude wants to eat his cake and have it....only a selfish dude with an untoward agenda will pull that. Naija men take care of their own....that is what they grew seeing their fathers do and their fathers their fathers'. Not expect their wives to take the lion's share in financing and nurturing the family. The guy is an azzzzhole

Do u think he could change? What would make someone change?

sisisioge:
Most of naija guys married to foreigners I have heard of o

When they are broke or struggling, they castigated naija girls and move towards the foreign women who "help" them get made. Once made, they start gravitating towards the naija girls because they want to grow old with someone whose culture aligns with theirs. Iranu.

I wonder if two people from different backgrounds can make it through. Also what does the foreign spouse do when the nigerian guy girl does this? They agree? Did they also set up the naija person or was it just the Naija person being able to fool someone into their personal mumu for gain?

What do both get out of it? What are both sides?

sisisioge:
Oh my! This is really sad! God help us choose our spouses right o.....no give us person wey go mess our minds and lives o.

amen oo!!

sisisioge:
Let no man use and fool you.


You need to discuss the finance and the house work clearly.

1. Let the contributions be fair to your earnings each....spend on percentage of your earnings. If you earn 100usd and he earns 50usd, 50% of each earning will be 50usd and 25usd respectively. That way, you are both contributing as you earn.

2. On the other hand, let the chores/rest be fair too so no one grows old or wary of the family. Discuss this clearly.

Once done, everyone will feel fairly treated. Most of naija guys married abroad use their spouses as stepping stones into achieving their citizenship and greater things. Once they get this, they gracefully move on....dont be that battered woman.

I was nodding ny head and then u shock me w that last part
How many do this � �

Cousin9999:
He makes a fraction of what you do, you can't expect him to spend every dollar he has. If he earned more than you, he probably wouldn't ask you for anything.



School is a job, and he also has part-time employment. If school isn't a job, go be a full or part time student while working, then tell me it's not a job.



He's supposed to be your life partner and the father of your children, and you're actually complaining about paying for basic human needs? Seriously?



You don't treat him well either.



He's probably depressed about the situation. It's harder on the male ego, and starting over isn't exactly fun. Especially when your wife treats you like garbage. A better question is if you love him.



If you keep this attitude, you will be by yourself. Regardless of what you might think about him, at a minimum there's some fat girl that will gladly boo him up, let him live and eat free, go to school, and then reap the rewards of being a supportive partner when he graduates and gets a good job. If you're not careful, you'll be a bitter single mom scrolling his social media looking at pictures of him and the fat wife on a nice vacation with their kids, or relaxing in the big house he bought.

I see your judgement is very clouded yourself. You dont know who you're talking to. If you did you would know your righteous attitude is directed in the wrong direction.

I am guessing you are surrounded by people who dont respect you and you are a whitness of your acussations. You are saying more about yourself than my situation and thats that someone is treating you and your loved ones poorly. Seek God.

I wish you healing.

edmaraja:
He must be an afonja man, na dem sabi do that kind thing. Tell your relative to divorce him and marry an igbo man for her own peace of mind.

hahahah igbo men, how are yout hinking about them? Some igbo men go abroad and try to hustle but still get menial positions for a lot of years unfortunately. They try

Romanoff:
How many percent of your salary would you estimate he earns?

If he earns less than 40% of how much you earn, he might be unable to meet up with the bills you're expecting him to pay and he still needs to have some change left after that.

As regards helping out more, I am in support that he should do more around the house.

But you will need to communicate that with love. The man no get money and is unable to meet with his financial responsibility at home, that must not be easy for him.

Treat him with respect, always encourage him that better jobs will come, communicate with him respectfully the way you'd like to be spoken to.

I see the issues you're having as lack of communication. If you both had discussed in the past about him being a stay at home dad and you the financial muscle, this wouldn't be an issue.

The abroad wey una dey, na so some couples there dey live.

Communicate how you feel to your husband, na your husband. E no go kill you.

hm he earns less than me yeah but he still earns enough u get.. as in he earns more than me when i was single and as a single madam i still contributed so much of my income to upkeep like he gets a lot of comfort from this situation. Honestly am being objective when I say I have truly tried to make life beautiful for us as much as I can

DickDastardly:
You sound like a very nice woman. Pls don't bullhead anything. Gradually and tactfully get him into the fray. This you achieve by subtle constant communication of your realities. With time he will adjust further for you. He also seems a good man. So I believe he'd listen to voice of reason eventually. Do not push everything same time at him. Thats how foolish women lose their homes. Yours is a wonderful family. Best of the rest of your lives.

i hope so thanks a lot for the kind words. As u can see i want to have kindness in my heart but how can i? Im burnt out mehn :/

Romanoff:
How many percent of your salary would you estimate he earns?

If he earns less than 40% of how much you earn, he might be unable to meet up with the bills you're expecting him to pay and he still needs to have some change left after that.

As regards helping out more, I am in support that he should do more around the house.

But you will need to communicate that with love. The man no get money and is unable to meet with his financial responsibility at home, that must not be easy for him.

Treat him with respect, always encourage him that better jobs will come, communicate with him respectfully the way you'd like to be spoken to.

I see the issues you're having as lack of communication. If you both had discussed in the past about him being a stay at home dad and you the financial muscle, this wouldn't be an issue.

The abroad wey una dey, na so some couples there dey live.

Communicate how you feel to your husband, na your husband. E no go kill you.

or wait it becomes 60% of my income for shared bills then the 15% on top is for my own bills and other household expenses i chose to provide ... honestly shouldnt a man be going out of his way to.make me comfortable? Then i do 100% of the paying 90% cleaning 90%household upkeep and childcare

Romanoff:
How many percent of your salary would you estimate he earns?

If he earns less than 40% of how much you earn, he might be unable to meet up with the bills you're expecting him to pay and he still needs to have some change left after that.

As regards helping out more, I am in support that he should do more around the house.

But you will need to communicate that with love. The man no get money and is unable to meet with his financial responsibility at home, that must not be easy for him.

Treat him with respect, always encourage him that better jobs will come, communicate with him respectfully the way you'd like to be spoken to.

I see the issues you're having as lack of communication. If you both had discussed in the past about him being a stay at home dad and you the financial muscle, this wouldn't be an issue.

The abroad wey una dey, na so some couples there dey live.

Communicate how you feel to your husband, na your husband. E no go kill you.

i told him we should pay 30 percent of our income for bills. But he pays 25% of his income and i pay 75% of my income to bills.. u get? Not fair at all!

Kingpin1000:
This reminds me of a classic song.

O my brother, O my sister.
O my brother, come and hear my story.
When man get money, woman go chop am.
When woman get money, she hide am for pant o.


Madam, from what I deduce is that you earn 10x more than your husband, He walks menial jobs while you are successful, and yet you want him to pay 50/50 or even more.
Madam you are the classic hypocrite woman.
You want him to be doing cleanup because you have money more than him.
Madam, your husband is expected to send money back to Nigeria and Nigerians don't care if you are doing menial jobs or successful. We have this mentality that, whosoever is abroad is automatically successful.
Or have you been getting advances from another man. And you want an excuse to leave him.

Im not like Nigerian women... i actually am very accomodating to the village people he gets to send 3x as much back home than when he was single because now.he has less bills to pay. Because thats what true love is. I do all the house chores and take care of the kids work full time take care of the kids every day while he gets 24 hours to do whatever. I wish I was a hupocrite woman because then i could atleast sleep at night but ive given everything for this man to succeed and he does this to me... its very unfair.

Posting this for a female relative:

Im a succesful career woman abroad. I worked so hard for my position that I finally got. My husband from Naija and he came here with student visa. He has his degree now but is only finding menial jobs here. He cant help that and I have been in this country longer. He is a good father and from what I see I think he doesnt cheat. He bathes the kids and takes them to school each morning. But he says because sometimes I sleep early that I should wake up early and get them ready for school. I agreed. I wake up 6.45 to get them ready its not fair because I work more than him.

I work 40 hours a week, cook and clean do all errands pay all major bills and on the nights and weekends he leaves to go work. So after work im taking care of two young children 1 and 2 and he comes back late doesnt clean anything.


For my birthday this year I wanted us to go out so I drove us all to a restaurant. He paid half the bill. Then I told him later we need more money this month. He paid 30% of the bills. Then he accused me of taking all his money when he still has a lot more money left. More than me.

I pay all the bills and make sure we are covered. He gets sad when he has to pay bills. Why is he behaving like this?

Im tired I labor myself till I cant take care of the kids. While im working he gets to come home and sleep he gets to go to school he uses the soap electricity and tv for free does not pay for upkeep of children clothes their diapets does not communicate with the daycare does not treat me well.

Does this man actually even love me? How can someone be so negligent? Doesnt clean the house barely pays for bills works 20 hours but I still end up taking care of kids after work and almost all hours on the weekends.

Does a man actually love me? I feel like im in a relationship by myself.

Niiade:
You are a wise man, I dont understand how the OP had to depend on one means of contraceptive.
Considering you are meant to be very concerned about your sexual health as much as hers, what happened to checking up her circle and safe periods, condoms and spermicide. You cant just be having sex as much as you want it because you are married haba when its not like teenagers that are just meeting for the first and you know the stress and toll its taking on both of you and you guys continue without considering using as many safe options as possible.


Married men use condoms and others means to ensure they stick to the plan they have for their famiies, you are endangering your wife's health please take good of your wife and your kids very well and you cant complain about the stress and more stress coming because you made the decision and here are the consequences.

Lets say your wife is emotional and wants sex, you should be logical to know how to protect yourself extensively from getting her pregnant, you are already expecting please wise up before its baby number 4 next year. Enjoy i am sure you have the finance already thats why its not bothering you much, you go dey alright las las.

Wow this is very wise

GIdiata:
watin concern us if ur father made/makes like difficult for your mother?

madam i think u misunderstood

Kobojunkie:
Be more specific... what is an examples of things she said that did not sit well with you in particular?

Made comments about my childs skin tone that it does not match their relatives

Her husband said seems like we want space and when we were leaving she says to househelp well we dont like or need people who want space because we dont have any (their house is very spacious lol)

^these kind of remarks but constantly! It just builds up because she strikes like this severally in a day and she doesnt stop.

Then my child was digging in mommys navel and she could not stop talking about mommys navel like in such a strange way. Always trying to invade privacy

Whenever she sees married people talking she jumps in even if its a quiet discussion like spouse number 3
. As if shes making it a 3some

She doesnt mind her business at all and is very practive and intentional in her irritating behaviour. Like an obsession. Its just very strange

. Her husband my brother in law treats her like a princess if you want to say youre annoyed she will play like victim and call him to say "daddy im hated" like shes his daughter instead of wife and then he will insist people apologize even though she is the one provoking people with her ridiculous behaviour. Like its just very sick to be around

Kobojunkie:
Does this also mean you love living in denial? Explain some of the things she says make we understand.

Is she the brutally honest kind? Is that why she shriek whenever she says what she does?

Actually no she just likes getting under peoples skin. Its almost like a mental disease

GIdiata:
oga if e too pain you try commit suicide. rope no cost

very stupid thing to say

pedestal82:
Yes I am married and I use condoms.
We use calendar method for contraception.
When ever she is on ovulation we use condoms, or state clear of sex.
My last child will be 3 on April 7th.

wow!! This is smart. So only condoms during ovulation right?

baby124:
Get a vasectomy if you don’t want any more kids. It’s really that simple.

oh that would be so crazy. Do some really do that ?

Str8talk21:
You are complaining ehhh?
Ok...come back to Nigeria, you will have house helps to look after them.
And lest I forget, keep blaming uf wife for third pregnancy instead of blaming urself for not controlling ur urge.

LOL we thank God

ejimatic:
I am aware IUD can make you pregnant but the possibility of losing the pregnancy is 80% naturally. Take what God has given you and plan well another time that is if yiyr wife truly wants a successful birth control method. This is so because some wives deliberately plan to get pregnant and deceive thier husbands that they are on contraceptives.

what? Ur statistics are off or I miss understood