₦airaland Forum

Hi Nairalanders,

Saw this online, had a good laff and just had to share with u, dont know if u seen this before,  if not, enjoy



]The following was written by a father to his daugher's potential boyfriend


APPLICATION FORM FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from a doctor of my choice.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA Grid_____________

INCOME TAX FILE NUMBER _________________ DRIVERS LICENCE ________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ STATE___________ POSTCODE______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________




ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? _____________

Mother?_____________

Priest or Pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _______________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F: When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________________

G: What is the current going rate of a motel room? __________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
INDIGENOUS AUSTRALIAN BULL ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION,
CHINESE WATER TORTURE and RED HOT POKERS

_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, slowpoke!)


_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State or Federal Government Representative
_______________________________ (Their stamp goes here )
Notary Public

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write,  If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.



Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a carton of beer, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Cricket games are okay, Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine

I was totally horrified when i read the article in the paper this morning, To all those applauding this harsh law, i can assume you have never fallen into the traps set by LASMA e.t.c, it's isnt a pleasant experience, even if your "offence" was commited in ignorance, these officials are merciless, all they care about  is lining their own pockets. The intention may be good, but this law is too harsh, 250k fine? it's outrageous,, and being a passenger in the vehicle to have to cough up 50k? what if you were a stranger or visitor to the state and the driver of the vehicle u are in, took the wrong turn in error, as a passenger you are liable? This is wrong.

Wot is wrong in this country? why is there so much focus on the minor issues, whilst major issues like povery and unemployment, crime and injustice are overlooked?

Dele said tenderly " Simbi you know u can tell me anything, i would keep your confidences, you can trust me with anything you wish to share,  as for peter, i suspected all along, because a couple of weeks ago, he came to me, bragging about one of his latest conquest, a girl named simbi and all that he did to her"

Simbi was dumbfounded "So you knew?"   Dele noded slowly " Every detail, peter kept bragging and bragging, until i felt like punching him, but i hadnt met you then.  Believe me, i would avenge you, but just give me a little time" peter said as he hugged and comforted her.

Simbi smiled contentedly and gave Dele a peck " Thanks for caring and being so understanding" She stifled a yawn " I'm feeling sleeply already she said as she glanced at the time, It's 11pm, hope to see you tomorrow?  "Sure" they bid goodnight and simbi headed towards her room.

"Welcome back Simbi, how was your day? Ada, Simbi's roomate asked.
"fine thanks, how far with you"? Simbi replied, she decided not to tell her about the hospital incident as Ada was known around as the campus gossip.
"Hmmmmm Simbi, i saw Dele drop you, i was watching through the window, the guy seems to like you o! My sister you don hit jackpot be dat o! Ada grinned

" what do you mean ada?" Simbi queried
   "You mean you dont know that, that is Dele Adenugba, the son of the MD of Standard petroleum? he's one of the richest men in naija" Ada gushed excitedly " In fact, Dele has 3 other cars apart from that benz"
"but, my dear simbi, please be careful, there's a rumor going round that he is a cult boy on campus.
Wow" simbi replied dumbfounded

A few hours later,

Simbi  was discharged  from  hospital. Simbi sighed softly as dele's black benz halted in  front  of her hostel at  the university.
"Well  thanks for everything" Simbi said as she reached for her books and prepared to alight from the car.
"hey Simbi, you still havent told me what happened? did your boyfriend break  up with you cos of the pregnacy? Dele asked with a look of concern on  his face

Simbi shook  her head slowly, as  tears rolled down her face" i didnt even know  i was pregnant, i thought my period was just being  irregular,  as it often is" She whispered.

Dele held her hand to  comfort her, encourged, Simbi continued " It happened about three weeks ago,  i went to visit my  best frriend aisha, but she wasnt at home, no  one was at  home  except for  Ahmed,  her step brother.

"Ahmed, came on  to me, and when i refused  his advances,  he raped me" Simbi wept uncontrollably. " I couldnt tell anyone, infact you are the first person  i told.

"Thank God, i lost  the pregnancy, my father would have killed me"

Dele ground hiis teeth in anger, " if  i ever lay my hands on ahmed, i'd kill him", anyways, angel, i'd check you up tommorrow.

"Thanks for the compliment" simbi replied dazzled by dele's smile and the dimples around them

"Can i take u out for lunch , i know a great restuarant around here, and i'm sure you must be famished after all your morning lectures" Dele said, as he eyed the stack of books simbi held in her hands.

"Hmmm, ok, but i have another lecture in the next 1 hr, i hope the restuarant is not too far from here" She replied shyly

"nope, it's just around the corner, we'd take my car"

Simbi signed contentedly to herself as she settled in the comfortable leather seat of Dele's car, " So what course are you studying here" She said

I'm in economics and in my final year " Peter replied as he eased the c out of the parking lot.

Simbi was silent as she digested this information " So Dele is Peter's coursemate, i hope they arent friends, i dont want my heart broken again, she thought to herself as peter parked the car in front of a restuarant

"Hi Simbi, i actualy school here, i'm studing economics but i'm in my final year, i came to check a friend in this faculty" Peter replied
Simbi stared at peter, At 6feet 2 inches, with an atlethic build, peter still looked as attractive as the first day she met him. she had missed him.
"Peter i've missed you , she said warily, why didnt you call me all this while, it's been almost 3 months?

Whilst peter was opening the door, Simbi's phone beeped loudly indicating a text message, she frowned as she read the message.
"Peter. i may have to come back some other time, then we can talk, i just had an urgent message from my mum that i should come home now, she said hurriedly.
"OK, then", peter replied inwardly relieved as he saw her off to the busstop " i'd call you tonight"
Simbi mind was in a turmoil as she approached her house, i hope nothing bad has happened."
Her mum was in the living room with her sisters talking animatedly, the room grew quiet when the saw simbi approach"mama, what is it ?"she said as she fearfully approached her mother.

Mrs Goje's face broke into a smile as she handed simbi a letter, simbi quickly read through the contents, and screamed with delight.
"Thank you God" she said as tears of joy ran down her face. She had won a $10,000 sholarship to study in any school of her choice.

"Hi Peter", a tall lovely girl approached , she had  been standing in front of peter's room " I'm sorry i peter, i called and called your number, i wanted to tell you i was coming but i could not get through. and who is this? she said as she hugged peter and threw simbi an assessing glance

Simbi glanced at Peter and "the girl" and thought to herself in despair " O my Gosh, he has a girlfriend and i am already falling for him.

"Peter" Simbi smiled coldly " Please who is this ? your sister ? your cousin? please kindly introduce us"

http://teenagehaven..com

Nice blog,  but for christian teens,

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why !

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :

Psycho-
the-
rapist.

Play the Office Game
Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:

ONE POINT

Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk,

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINTS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.

Killer Confessions!!!!

Three pastors took a day off and decided to go fishing after a busy Sunday.

They agreed its so difficult preaching to people all the time and no one preaches to them.

Sitting by the river with little response from the hooks one pastor thought of sharing his heart with others.

He said " guys its rare to get such an opportunity to be among ourselves like this. It would be good if we look into our lives and help each other with our weaknesses". They all agreed to this.

This pastor said " Gentlemen I need help! The people in my church give a lot of money every week. I started taking little by little but now I take a big chunk. I can't stop stealing from the church please pray for me. The day they will find out I will be fired"! Another pastor said "brothers your sins are better than mine! I have slept with every woman in the church including married women. As I preach my eyes hover over the congregation looking for the next prey. If this is discovered people will not fire me, they will kill me!" The last pastor's feet were shaking as they were talking. They thought he had a big story to tell.

He stood up and said " My brothers my problem is gossip! I cant sit anymore. I have to share this! I will be back!

Hi,

Checked out your cv, nice job, but you might need to rework it a little bit, try to include details that would spike up a prospective employer's interest, the truth is most human resource people spend about 45 seconds assesing the cv of potential candidates, and if your cv fails to capture their interest, then its relegated to the background in favour of more "interesing" ones.


What kind of work do you want to do? what would the H.R Manager be looking for? What significant achievements have you made during your brief working experience that might interest the Manager?

Granted that you have limited work experience, but a good cv is all about selling oneself, putting all your achievements on paper, in essence pricking the curiousity of the HR Manager and making him want to see you immediately. Writing a cv is not just providing biodata + educational profile. I learnt this from my work experience and from others as well.

I will give you more info later, meanwhile, think of how you can draft the answer to those questions in your cv, cheers.

Please check the link below for intercontinental job
http://www.intercontinentalbankplc.com/vacancy.asp

Hi adeola, you can send to jummiee1@yahoo.com

Cheers

Front Desk Officer Wanted - Urgent



Requirements :

Female, university graduate in any discipline
At least 2 years experience in similar position
Excellent Communication Skills
High proficiency in Microsoft Office Suite
Ability to complete assigned tasks with minimum supervision

Remuneration – attractive,  and based on skills and experience


Please send your resume with contact email and address to my inbox at nairaland between today and thursday evening.

One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.

"Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad.

"But what about the 10,000 dollars?"

"Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time".

To the folks that are married, i was just wondering if this could be
>> true,
>>
>> HOW MEN CHANGE AFTER MARRIAGE
>>
>> The Love Word:
>>
>> After 6 weeks: I love you, I love you, I love you!
>>
>> After 6 months: Of course, I love you.
>>
>> After 6 years: GOD, if I didn't love you, then why do you think I
>>
>> proposed?
>>
>>
>>
>> Back from Work:
>>
>> After 6 weeks: Honey, I'm home!
>>
>> After 6 months: I'm BACK!!
>>
>> After 6 years: What did your mom cook for us today?
>>
>>
>>
>> Phone Ringing:
>>
>> After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
>>
>> After 6 months: Here, it's for you.
>>
>> After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE!
>>
>>
>>
>> Cooking:
>>
>> After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
>>
>> After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
>>
>> After 6 years: AGAIN!
>>
>>
>>
>> New Dress:
>>
>> After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress.
>>
>> After 6 months: You bought a new dress again?
>>
>> After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me?
>>
>>
>>
>> TV:
>>
>> After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
>>
>> After 6 months: I like this movie.
>>
>> After 6 years: I'm going to watch Super sport, if you're not in the
>>
>> mood, go to Bed, I can stay up by myself!
>>
>>

One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM, seeing an ad for
a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5,
10 or 20 kilograms on the first day.

So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him into a
huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and
ladders and tell him to wait a minute.

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and
out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying "If you
catch me, I'm yours." He starts running, and just as
he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he
knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the
ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars,
here and there. And just as he's about to catch the
blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes
the management who led him to the showers, and then
weighs him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.
He's back on the street and starts to think.

"Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a
little more time, " So he races back to the gym and
says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."
"No problem," says the manager.
Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's
standing by the
door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign.
"If I catch you, you're mine."


[color=#006600][/color]

Ye! l don laff tire, jus reading all those different responses, nairalanders , some of u are so crazzzyyyyy! ( dats a compliment anyway)

someone metioned, using your phone for business, (we are assuming u already own a mobile phone)you could just buy recharge card of 2-3k, and booster card, to kick off your call centre, (u need to get assitance from someone who already has a shop, to allow you to operate your biz from there)

you would plough back all your earnings from the call centre into buying recharge cards, give it a few weeks and you would definitely smile to the bank. ( i know someone who did this with just 3k)

u said u stay in an area where people mind their biz, dat doesnt sound 2 good, u may need to find a "people friendly" enviroment 4 your biz


the most important thing however 4 any business is location, location, location. It makes a huge difference btw a flourishin business  and a sluggish one.

the best environment for your call center is a very busy one (esp a campus setting), where you can maximize your resources.

omogenikky:
I don't even pay for my internet access. I live in an area choke full of signals.....................my wireless card picks up several strong signals every time. I have been doing that for like a year now.

omogenikky, you b true nigerian to the core !

OMG! that was priceless!

Nnenna1:
There's a game I saw in another site, in which everyone contributes a sentence/phrase/paragraph as they visit the board, building up a story of some sort. It's really cool and I thought I should bring it here. Feel free to have fun and take the storyline to a new level. (Edit: Was going through topics and I found out that someone else too has this! Oh well...)

Okay.. let's start.


Akin knew this was it. He had to tell her he loved her, and that he didn't care what she thought. For days now she avoided him like the plague, and it filled him with torment. Now was the T-time, the point of no return. The mahogany door stood patiently before him, and his heart jolted with a hardening force as he lifted his knuckles and knocked. In his other hand: a handfull of artificial roses already drooping with incoming raindrops. He moved a little closer to the door until the overhang shaded him from rain, and knocked again.

Then the door opened slowly, its cardinals creaking....

(Someone take it from here!)

....Akin entered the room and almost fainted at what he saw

Nice

Nice going 4 johnny, me thinks he has the makings of a mafia kingpin.

24 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE THE PEOPLE IN THE CYBERCAFE

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with. .

6. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

7. Light candles around your terminal before starting.

8. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. .

9. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

10. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

11. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

12. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

13. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

14. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

15. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

16. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

17. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

18. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

19. Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

20 Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

21. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

22. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

23. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

24. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.