₦airaland Forum

Martinez39s:
➜Mtsewwww. Lol. It is not you who will tell me how to craft my principles. When it is your turn, do as you like. When it is my turn, I will do as I like. Goodnight.

I am speaking from a point of experience here. Thinking to save your pride never works out for the vast majority out there.

YeyeGbami:
➜You've said it all. Without personal will, a cheating partner will never quit. I learnt this the hard way

. Now, I don't particularly agree that a cheating partner will never quit. I cheated on my partner in the past; I never cheated on anyone after that. I believe in the end it all depends on the individual, their reason for cheating, and the resolve they have not to see such vileness emanate from inside of them after that.

Most people are aware of the costs of cheating in a relationship, particularly in a marriage. Betrayal can lead to divorce and parental disruption, and infidelity is a predictor of depression, anxiety, and domestic violence. Yet many stray anyway, prompting the question: Why? In surveys of individuals who have cheated, falling out of love, seeking variety, and feeling neglected were the most commonly cited reasons, followed by situational forces, a desire to raise self-esteem, and anger with a partner.

I also believe that once a partner cheats on the other, the relationship should be brought to an abrupt end then. Whether it is a dating relationship or a marriage, the relationship should be terminated immediately to allow the partner cheated on time away from their abuser(the cheater) to heal from the devastating consequences of the cheating. And also give the cheater time to ruminate on the devastation caused by his/her actions against the one he supposedly claimed to love.

Cheating is abuse, and abuse victims should be immediately removed from the presence of their abusers so they can heal completely from the damage done to both their mental and physical health. Having the abuser remain in the same environment as the one who inflicted the abuse only opens them up to more abuse, and I believe this is where the idea that cheaters never stop cheating comes from.

stagger:
➜When you are 70 years, come back here.

There are lots of 70-year-olds who are unmarried in today's world. Use the internet for your good.

Martinez39s:
➜ It is not a failed formula because I am not expecting any result. It is just a matter of principle: if you get pregnant, you must go be with the child's father.
➜ If the child's father accepts you and the child and steps up to his fatherly responsibility, fine; if he doesn't, still don't come back.
➜ What new results am I expecting? Result ke?

Abandoning your child to her fate is a formula that has brought countless heartaches to both mother and child, as well as the family as a whole. You call it a principle, but if the result each time is 98% guaranteed failure for the family as a whole, shouldn't you revisit the worth of this so-called principle? 🥱🥱

2. But the majority of the time, in Nigeria, especially, the child's family never accepts the woman and her child. So, again, what is the worth of this so-called principle? 🥱🥱

3. Well, people typically institute principles that benefit them and their family as a whole, not merely for the sake of pretending they are gods over the lives of others. So, I guess the question is, what do you gain from holding on to principles that end up jeopardizing the lives of your own blood? 🥱🥱🥱

@Kavara, a belief or a lack of belief in God has nothing to do with mental illness.

It seems you have yet to realize by now that the major reason why religious houses —churches, mosques, etc.,— are packed full every service/prayer time in a place like Nigeria has more to do with mental illness. Driven majorly by anxieties, worries, and depression, people drag themselves back for more of those religious lies they need to feel good, even if for a few minutes, about themselves and their lives. The reason behind the vast majority of prayers and prayer points happens to be mental illness-related and not some desire for goodness and fulfillment for others.

Kindly resist the urges to hide your anxieties, worries, and shame behind the many fantasies about God that were driven into you by men who somehow convinced you they know this god of theirs better than you or anyone else does. Be honest with yourself and face/confront your own mind for what may be the first time in your life. If you don't get your mind to your own side in this life, how can you expect to get anyone else, or even a deity, to be on your side?

Iamheretolearn:
➜Well said! Especially the shared interest and extraordinary bonds point . However,I didn't understand your last sentence.Can you shed more light as to what you meant?

It is childish to snub others.

ArcSEMPECJ:
➜Except you lack the message you were trying to pass ..

You are told that the traditional Nigerian marriage system has the woman positioned as an outsider in the marriage, and that is the response you were able to come back with? Next time, check your comprehension meter after reading to be certain your understanding is sound, to begin with.

ArcSEMPECJ:
➜Wait until all your siblings marry and face their families, that's when all you wrote here will add up to your regrets....
The question is , your siblings that you are prioritizing first , are they also thinking same for you The major topic to discuss is actually the behavior of your wife over your siblings and you too...Whereas some wives marry and still work things out for their siblings, same shall be to the man too... It is only when the husband and the Wife realises that they are one bond, that's when marriage will start...

Why comprehension dey almost always fail una?

WantsandMore:
➜Actually they are, if children are involved except for battery, adultery, and life endangering habits, everything else once children are involved becomes your responsibility,
➜like a cross, you must carry it with grace.

When you pretend you stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your children, you are invariably teaching them that it is OK to remain in a situation that does not favor them. Research has it that people raised in such unhappy marriages go on to repeat the same pattern in their own lives without even realizing it.(they sit tight in unhappy/toxic friendships, jobs/careers, marriages, etc.) These people find it hard to let go or remove themselves from situations that do not favor them. They mirror what they saw their parents do on a level that may even be construed as semi-unconscious.

Don't curse your kids because you wish to keep up appearances. Leave an unhappy/toxic situation so that they, too, can learn that they need to leave such situations in their own lives.

As for responsibility, two parents live apart while sharing custody and continue to care for and raise their children separately, rather than remain miserable under the same roof with them. Your children are intelligent and know when mom and dad are not happy together.

AyeMoJuba:
Believe the one sided story of a woman at your own risk No woman would ever tell outsiders the truth about the issues with her husband.

An issue that justifies her husband having a side-chick, right?

JuanDeDios:
➜What makes you think he won't have allowed her brother into this groom's men?
➜ Asking his wife to let his sister participate that way on their big days equals controlling? ? ? This post makes no sense at all.

You are right that the question was unnecessary. It really shouldn't impact whether she should allow another on her train or not, really.

2. The role is not for his sister, though. It is instead for the women his bride has carefully picked to be her +2 on that day. His cancelling the wedding because his wife did not pick his sister screams of a man with control issues— it is akin to a child throwing a tantrum of sorts for not getting its way. If you don't know what that means, I suggest you make Google your friend.

epainos:
➜This issue is a bit technical.
Possibility 1: The lady may be the wahala person.
Possibility 2: The man is controlling.
The story isn't well written to know what to say. If the man said it in a polite manner and asks well, but the lady refuses, then, the man should start getting ready for a real battle. The woman is not ready to accept his family and would most likely create enemity among the man and his siblings.
➜ If the man did not ask politely but is just bullying the lady, or there is a genuine reason for the lady to reject the sister, but the guy is taking it...the guy is a controlling figure.

This is not well-reasoned thought. That she refused him inserting his sister into what is HER bridal train does not mean she hates his family or all the other nonsensical assertions you came up with there.

2. Whether he asked politely or not, she is well within her rights to require that only those chosen by her person be her bride's maids. It is really just that elementary—uncomplicated.

@Lifestone 1. If you believe that paying the bill means all of the efforts of those who end up doing the actual work put into making it work are in the end worthless, then you should have no business engaging humans in a relationship of any kind.

2. So, you don't understand the simple meaning of the word Control in this? Do we need to pull up the dictionary for you or something?

The bridal train belongs to the woman; the man is not the bride and hence should not have a spot. Similarly, the groom's men are meant to be the man's decision.

3. Not all men are sheet stains. Stop projecting since not all men are boys with mummy issues!

isyourboy:
➜A WAEC degree at 39 isn’t bad. I have friends who have nothing. Again, are you a woman? Do u want to marry? You chat like a woman tho

You and your friends should ask yourselves why you think you deserve the romantic love of a woman or even a man, given your lack of hitting some basic milestones in life to date.

isyourboy:
➜Because they said they don’t psg in Germany. Besides, kobo are you single? 😒😒I am interested in love tbh

What school or government agency gave you this information regarding programs in Germany? You have only a WAEC degree and not much else to show for it at 39(approximately 4 whole decades on this planet), but are you interested in love?

viyon02:
➜No sane man there hurt a very submissive wife, even if he try to cheat, his spirit will never be at rest until apologize

Basically, you are insisting that the wife is to blame for her husband committing adultery and also giving away funds that should have gone to better their married life to another woman, right? (If this isn't gaslighting, what then is?) This is the value system that you live by and also impose on women who make themselves wives to men, right? 🥱🥱

This proves that my original statement to you was on point. You clearly hate these submissive women.

isyourboy:
➜Hmm from what I see, u need such a result to get a lecturer position in the university. He followed the route. What I want is to be a teacher in the university and also write research. He write a lot of stuff which i see from the google link he sent to me

You want to be a lecturer or a lecturer at a particular university? You don't need to have a Ph.D to be a lecturer. Some schools hire Master's holders as lecturers too. They may collaborate with other lecturers to write and do research, too.

So, if working in a particular school like UNIBEN is what you really want, then you should investigate the kind of opportunities at that particular school to know whether you even need a Ph.D at all.

Nnamdipapa:
UofPeople is not free

You mean even though their programs are advertised as tuition-free, they really aren't? 🥱

The estimated cost for obtaining a Bachelor's of Science in Computer Science, for instance, over a period of, say, 2 years is $6,400(estimated cost per month $267), mainly for administrative costs. Are you not OK with this being tuition-free?🤔

isyourboy:
➜Thanks so much
The problem here is Nigeria. Looking at how anyhow our universities are, can they give jobs without the PhD being from a Nigerian university, or Germany or UK ? That’s the real question here. Tbh, teaching is my passion and I’m really willing to go back to school
My friend do his degree, and PhD everything in UNIBEN so he works there now. According to what he told me, he said he do PhD i think it’s some expert that do that?

1. It seems you don't understand what a Ph.D really implies. At this point, I have to ask why you really want to get a Ph.D. Is it merely because you saw a friend do it and it worked out for him?

I would suggest you find what you are really passionate about and work towards that rather than trying to do what you see someone else doing well.

donbenie:
✓ Your write up screams of hindsight being 20/20..
Going by what you wrote people shouldn't have children,because they might die and leave them orphans.

This conclusion of your makes no sense given what I infact typed up there.

Reread and adequately digest what is written before responding, abeg, as that way I can better respond.

10thTenthMan:
➜You place women on a pedestal...then you provide them your resources without them even having to ask to invest in ANY WAY.
Please tell me why she will not treat you that way when from all her female brain and psychology you have made her so important to you, and you are so feeble-minded that without her investing anything, you have allowed her access to your time, attention, resources, protection and provision?
Then complain when they take you for granted.You all will learn the hard way.
Just as ignorance is not an excuse in the court of law. So it is that the lack of wisdom and knowledge WILL ALSO NOT BE AN EXCUSE.Two main things control human thoughts, behaviors and actions.
-Basic Instinct
-Experiential Intelligence
Basic instinct for a woman is that a man that is easy, is also weak. He has no masculine power. Your value is not based on your running around women and dotting them and rushing to provide and splashing them with niceties. Women may love you and be fond of you for this. But they will not see you as a worthy mate until you act like a man. Your approach IS WEAKNESS. She seeks the man who is man enough to protect, provide, but yet residents, difficult to deceive and beguile.
➜ You are dealing with a woman who is using you for the current state she is in. When she sees and meets a man who is man enough and is able to provide as much as you or even more, she will discard you. Someone has disappointed her and not taking her seriously, yet she is lashing out at you. I think there should be a formal and mandatory Rites of Passage program for Boys and Young Men.

Why are so many of you disconnected from reality? OP did not kill someone. He simply has emotions for a girl. How is that the same as placing the gal on a pedestal? He literally knows of her dalliances with other men but chooses to wait for her with the hope that she will come around to like him at some point. Why make that seem like an evil thing for him to do?

Humans use each other whenever they can; that is why we are referred to as social animals. OP may have considered that letting her come around him would maybe get her to realize how his feelings for her may be what she wants; what is wrong with that? Must she force herself to like OP because OP likes her? Must OP force himself on her because he likes her(even though the feelings are not reciprocated)?

You are not owed a romantic relationship(or any other) by anyone, not even women you like, and you can live well without romantic relationships. Try to work on yourself so you don't go around sounding so emotionally damaged in your assessment of human relations.

Nicenancy:
➜A man who is my friend always says he has something to tell me. Whenever we meet, he will say the venue wasn't conducive. Three days ago, in my car I asked him about what he wants to tell me and he said I should visit him and he would tell me. I said no, I don't visit men. I was angry but he still didn't say anything. I said if he was into me, I would be disappointed because he should know I am his friend but he said , he was not going to say anything until we meet in a conducive place. I was angry and he left my car. Is he into me? Has he proposed love? Did I overreact?

Maybe you should spend a lot more of your time learning what it means to love yourself, know how to, and actually love yourself. Then you would be able to not get yourself into these situation-ships where it is literally your mind playing games on you.

MiddleDimension:
➜kekekeke So, all of a sudden, our resident 'enlightened' has run out of ideas now that he has been properly challenged

Now I understand the reason behind the gobbledegook of a response you previously posted! 😑😑

DiasGodinHeaven:
➜Some months ago a brother and member of our community Association based in Delta State went to village to see the extent work has gone in his new house which he gave his eldest brother money to roof. This man Mr. Don as popularly called is a jolly good fellow. He says the truth not minding who will be affected. He is bold and fearless.
He was married but his wife died without bearing any child for him.
Instead of remarrying, he was bent on finishing his house before marrying again. Noted: He was 56 years and hypertensive.Back to the story.
He travelled home to see the work that is going on and to attend a burial in his village in Imo State. On Alighting from the bus inside owerri he had a partial stroke but instead of him to head to hospital in owerri, he decided to get home first. On getting home, his family members said he was poisoned and decided to visit native doctor who also said that he was poisoned.
They started giving him medicine and conducting so many sacrifices but nothing improved and he died 3 weeks later.
Remember he has roofed his house already but this is the most surprising thing. His eldest brothers children shared the room's of his house and furnished them but abandoned the seating room where he will be lied in state for the last time when his corpse return from the mortuary.
The seating room of that building was not touched but the rooms are already being occupied by his brother and children but couldn't plaster or decorate the seating room at least for burial purposes alone. When we got to their house and saw this I shed tears. Oga Don suffered to build a house which he did not slept in it. No wife, no children. Nobody to oppose his brothers or caution them for neglecting the seating room. This is a true life story. Even if you hate yourself that you don't want to eat your money, please ensure you have children who will consume those wealth before strangers will do justice to it. May his soul rest in peace.
➜Check your BP regularly Take your medicine as prescribed by a Doctor.May we live longer to enjoy our wealth.. Amen

This suggestion screams all sorts of wickedness to me. The man is dead. If he had had a child, who would have been there to raise the child or make sure the property would have ended up in the child's hands, assuming his family would not have maybe killed the child off to grab the property for themselves?

OP, if you were a child in that situation described, would you have been happy or something? Before you say yes, consider the case of the millions of orphans in Nigeria today who roam the streets every day and night, many of them with living relatives who refuse to take them in.

Not everyone should go around having children because children are not meant to be solutions to problems, not even of the kind you describe.

ukaface:
➜Don't accept her back She is confused

. She is not confused one here. She knows that OP has some unrequited love situation going on there. And tries to be nice to him because of that, but that is all she can do since her heart is not with OP. OP needs to accept his feelings and also accept that he can love her from afar since she does not reciprocate the feelings he has for her. And it is not her fault.

Makavelli001:
➜I've been Tell one girl I just sincerely liked that I want us to be in a serious relationship but she refused. Then she was working. Then after 4 months I decided to call her, surprisedly she answered me politely. Not like other times when she was always arrogant.
Then later she told me that she is no longer working. That she quit.
Fast-forward, we started relating. She comes to my house to cook sometimes. But I no chop am (knacking) becos I luv that girl, so I didn't want to be in a hurry.
So one wkend she came, a guy called her and the guy was tell her to forgive him for disappointing her yesterday. After their conversation, I did as if I don't no what was happening. I didn't ask her who was that.
But she was uncomfortable. Then after she had finished cooking, she started telling me about the guy. I told her she shouldn't tell me. That I did not ask her. Then she answered me arrogantly that I don't have the right to ask her because we are not dating.
The thing pain me but I just keep silent. This is a girl I really loved. And she have been asking me money and I have been giving her. And she have the mind to tell me such thing. To her surprise, I just stood up, and I told her to come let me see her off. Since then I Neva call her again. I deleted her from my diary. But she have been calling. Guys should I accept her back??

Block her completely so she can go find her space somewhere else while you deal with your emotions and learn to regulate without all of that angst.

Clearly, she friend-zoned yo,u and you don't like being friend-zoned; she is not to blame for this. Since you would clearly not be her sidekick, I suggest you look for ways to move on after her.

Note: If you think continuing to harass her until she eventually gives in and has sex with you is going to make you feel better or superior. Think again! Many of us have done that nonsense and ended up feeling shittier about ourselves for even thinking that was some sort of workaround for our personal emotional issues; emotions cannot be resolved by having sex, not even with the poeple who we feel have done us wrong.

blackgold2018:
A girl that refuses you sex.. claiming you will leave her after that. What does this mean?

She means you are just interested in her body, while what she wants is someone who is instead interested in her. Is that really had to note from what she said? Why not move on to find someone else whose body is available to you?

JimmySwaggart:
Is ADD not a subclass under ADHD? Were you diagnosed or you observed the trend yourself?

Trend ke?