₦airaland Forum

@mrAMG2, thanks for the advice my brother. THAT'S THE DILEMMA I'M IN BROTHER, DO I DO IT SOMETIMES AND NOT ALWAYS, WHAT HAPPENS TO THE TIMES I DON'T DO IT, WONT I BE PERCEIVED AS DECEPTIVE FROM INCEPTION

eyinjuege:
I understand where you're coming from. Finance is a major issue, and you cant afford to do things for 2 children at once.
Your own child too will just have to bear it for the period of time they are with you. You will have to deprive your child of some things, unless your husband of course agrees to drop money for his niece/ nephew.
That doesn't of course stop you from being kind and nice to your SIL and her child whenever you can afford to.
But understand nobody is perfect. Try and build relationships and not tear them down

Of course, I don't really have an issue with her stay in the house, she was alone with us in the house when she went to pick her child to come start living with us, her child is a year older than mine theyre play mate, there are somethings ill like to do for her Dat involves finance, how do I do it for my child alone without she getting hurt.... So I managed to buy one pack of happy hour drink, chin chin and popcorn, dat lasts for a term, I begin to share it with her, where will I get to balance the rest for the term.... Or if I decide to give her today, I give my child tomorrow and not give her, how will she feel... Or better still I already budgeted fruits my child consumes for a week, I begin to share with her and stop at some point how will she feel.... Is it okay if I do it and not always?? Or I don't do at all..

Remember I still have a smaller baby I single handedly buy diaper and formula for, the father only drops money for diaper when he feels like....

nnamdibig:
I really will not call you a wicked woman. Your husband made a mistake by allowing his siblings to come stay with you guys.
But I think this whole anger is far deeper than what you wrote. maybe hubby has done something to your own siblings that you are finding it difficult to forgive or the family did something to you that made you not want to associate with them anymore.
But sincerely life is beyond all these, showing love is not necessarily buying things for the kids. You don't owe anybody explanation of what you buy for your kids. But on a second thought ask yourself if they should do to you what you are doing to them, how will you feel?

I don't treat them with disdain ma. Besides.... The time we get to see is in the morning and night, in the morning I have to prepare breakfast, sometimes I want my child to eat something special to school like toast bread and sardine, yam and egg, jollof rice and crayfish ND add some snacks to her lunch pack (these their brother has never done, except to provide money for rice, and stew, rice and stew, Eva and the likes). Can I actually give those special stuffs to my daughter and not add anything to her daughters lunch pack without she feeling bad...
As for the question, of course if they do same to me, as the human that I am I will feel bad but on a second thought too, Its my possession and I choose to do whatever pleases me with it... I have told her this evening that she should save the Lil change she has and always go to meet her brother for anything she wants, however the same brother doesn't always grant her request.

tabithababy:
Hmmmm

blood is thicker than water

Op, just do within your means, don't go out of your way to please anyone and please save for your kids

People that can gang up and throw their father's wife out , how much more you that is believed to collect most of their brother's money

At first they believed I was collecting their brothers money, but when they moved closer, they saw that their brother wasn't even taking care of me the way a husband should , although , their brother was able to setup and furnish the house, but i always remind them that the laundry shop we opened, 95percent of the equipment used for it was purchased by me, so to a greater extent they know I'm not a liability to their brother, even the small car we bought, I contributed 45% of the money, that's why they dare not speak rudely or harsh to me, if I was a total liability to their brother or worst still not learned, I actually do know what they're capable of doing, but in their depths of heart I know they all pretend to like me when we are together but when we are far apart, something else will be said of me and that's why at this point in my life want to curtail their excesses but I guess my actions if taken will be termed wicked and cruel.

Logobenz:
you have to be careful the way you treat people,you never know.
When I was entering secondary school,my in law paid my fees.not like my mom could not do it,but it's what family do for each other.
When I gained admission into the university,I got a cash gift from the same in law of 1million naira.
Mom could handle that no sweat,but na wetin family dey do for each other.
I had issues with customs one time trying to seize my goods,another in law of mine took the case on his head,spent his money and made sure my goods were released.not like I couldn't do it,but na wetin family dey do for each other.
This weekend,I was in jail for one huge 3 year old debt,deprived of the outside world and was to go to court by now,illegally(you know 9ja police na).I put a call to my sister's fiance,not even husband and he sent a full legal team to get me out.would I have called my mom to give her heart ache?no of course.
So the reason I am telling you all this is that be careful the way you treat family,they are the only ones that got your back!be it blood line or in-laws!
Marriage does not only bring 2 people together but 2 families too.
It is easy to hate on the poor girl now,but remember that tomorrow is pregnant!
My own little piece

You're actually right, no one knows tomorrow!!, I'll try everything I can to tame the beast in me, I only just expressed how I feel bout the whole issue, this night we had good time together just that we didn't feed well, I sent a message to her brother while at work that soup has finished, but he didn't even reply, he came home and didn't say anything, he didn't ask for food, you know why? He has already eaten outside before coming in, this is just one of the attitude he puts up if he doesn't want to drop money for feeding at home. Prior to Her coming to live with us, he doesn't care if we feed or not when he is sometimes broke, now that his sister has come to join us with her kid, those times he doesn't drop money for feeding, do they expect me to feed the family morning and night? Do they also expect that I provide snacks for the little girl, etc

Suelove:
Dear Poster, I understand how it feels but first of all, don't respond to any comment that doesn't sit well with you. Obviously, the matter is eating you up and it seems you've once been taken for granted. Probably when you once shared an accommodation with people.

It's scary when you know how heavy your load is and someone still wants your shoulders to rest on. Nevertheless, you don't need to be hard/harsh on her. Can you afford renting her a room? If no, try to be friendly, manage your resources and most importantly try to treat all the children the same way.

Reason: Every child deserves kindness and a loving environment.

Our society is broken today due to the same ideology we grew up with and no wonder they drove their father's wife away. To fix this, we need to share love. By doing so, we're subconciously teaching the children that they are capable of loving and being compassionate in every situation.

Take a deep breath, relax and don't let it get into you. If you can afford to get her a room, please discuss it with your husband calmly not aggressively.

Neither do you need to talk to your husband as his boss. He might not be happy with the situation as well but needed to be acting that way. 1. because he doesn't know the way out due to his financial status, 2. to please his family..

Peace

Thanks my dear sister..... If I do get her an apartment, they'll say I don't want her in the house that's why I pushed her away, and no I can't give the money to her brother to help her get one... I'll rather give my sister who needs financial help... However, I guess I'll start learning how to live with their presence in the house.....

I don't have a choice.

sassysure:
A deep and insightful post.

U don't run a family based on emotions. Period.

More than half of dysfunctional families we have today are due to in law interferences.
They will run u down.

Never do anything u are not happy with.

If ur husband have refused to listen and there is a way u can invite your own people to come, all na one big happy family.

Hahaha ha.... Dat will be likened to an eye for an eye.. No I can't, Im only just wishing she and the kid won't feel bad if I was acting like they were not here, like do everything I was doing before their arrival without them feeling bad.

LilMissFavvy:
''ma''? Am not a ma oh, ......am just a small sisi psychologist/counselor. It is well, God will see you through, amen.

Amen oooo.. Make God help me, make e help me like the girl like my pickin ooo.... Make e help me bless him siblings oooooo... Make this beggi beggi stop oooo, my brother I want this, my brother I want that, him self come dey see himself as lord of all...As me I see say nothing I fit enjoy from their brother at least for now.. NA I'm make me tepa moshe oooooo.. If not... I no know what I for say o

crackhaus:
This is hilarious
Your honesty is a breath of fresh air, and NO you're not wicked, you're just human. Believe me, a good number of women including those attacking you will feel the exact same way if they found themselves in the same situation.
Starting the gesture is never the problem, but sustaining it over a long period can be burdensome especially when you're on a budget.

Pertaining the issue, just keep doing what you can do. What I mean is, the things you can do for both kids with a happy heart and without putting a strain on yourself and finances, keep doing it.
Anything that you cannot do with a cheerful heart, don't do it as that will only fester more bitterness in your heart.

Wisdom is profitable.

I am on a budget oo my brother... I have priorities ooo my family members are there oooo, their brother no dey extend his gestures go there ooo... He is the first born.... He is the only one doing okay(when I mean okay I mean his salary is just a little above 100k)out of the 6 of them.......
They rest of them basically live on their brother... Despite that two of them are married.... I have siblings that need help too but none of them disturb me... Cos they understand the peculiarity of my family..... My package every month is 30k and I do 5k savings each for my 3 kids.... I'm left with 20k...out of which I send some money to my parents and the rest if for my pocket money which I use to take car eof my kids and I... As I can't be eating only eba and rice everyday with no good fish or meat...... So my dear any other baggage at this point in my life is not allowed....

After all Galatians 6:5 says each and every one will bear his burdens

LilMissFavvy:
Was I not the one who mentioned ''bad influence'' in my comment? I have an idea of what you are talking about. But you need wisdom. She has an alternative, which is her father's house, but here she is in your home. At one time or the other, a marriage will go through test, so try and be patient, tolerate the much you can, surely she will leave one day.

Thank you ma.... I will in my power do that which I can... I can only try.

crackhaus:
Hmmmmm...

Refer to my first comment to you.

Good luck.

Thanks bro... Gracias....ill listen to u.....and do what I can... Uve been very helpful

AS I TYPE..MY KIDS AND I ARE AT HOME, HUSBAND DEY WORK, SHE IS IN HER SHOP WHERE SHE DEY LEARN WORK, SHE WILL GO PICK HER KID FROM THE BABY'S FATHER PLACE WHEN SHE CLOSES AND COME BACK AT NIGHT, THE SOUP WEY WE COOK ON MONDAY NIGHT FINISHED THIS MORNING...... SHEY BEFORE ALL OF THEM COME BACK FROM WORK, MAKE MY KIDS AND I NO CHOP CLEAN MOUTH BEFORE THEY ARRIVE..... ABI THE REMAINING CHANGE LEFT ON ME.. I WILL USE IT TO COOK BEFORE THEY ARRIVE.... JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO PLEASE FAMILY MEMEBERS THAT ARE UNPLEASABLE..... IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF.. I GUESSS..

crackhaus:
Be honest, is this the real reason you don't want to treat the girl as you do yours or it's the finances?

No hard feelings....but I don't like where she's coming from, the finances, and everything attached....
But I always have to exert self control and remind myself that she was a victim of circumstance, she didn't ask to be in the present state that she is...et al

greatme2good:
Segregation dwells in your heart. You don't do something cos you are expecting anything in return. It's simply not in your nature to be nice and nothing can change it, not even the love you have for your husband. I'm off your mention.

Since you're this nice and kind.... U can simple send some money to me or his sister and the kid so that she can rent an apartment or better still some money for her feeding and upkeep.... HYPOCRTITE .... I KNOW YOU WOULD SAY, WHY SHOULD I? AFTER ALL YOU DON'T KNOW HER NOR RELATED TO HER, YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE TO KNOW THEM BEFORE U BE OF HELP.......

HYPOO................ CRITE

greatme2good:
Self centered bitch...your heart is so darkened with bitterness and wickedness that you refuse to let love reign in your heart. So opinionated yet you seek for advice! You are a simpleton.

Scum bag, u say I don't love... But I do love Jesus, I love my siblings, and I love my kids......... Now SCrew yourself.... Bitch

LilMissFavvy:
First of all, your hubby broke the rule. He said relatives would visit and go, but now, here he is accommodating a relative. He has not even told you how long his sister is staying. Many relatives break marriages, no matter the good you do to them, if they don't love you, noway. Don't start what you can't finish, I agree with you. But from time to time, make sure you buy some stuff for the other child, since you are not really financially equipped. A lady that dates an irresponsible fellow, gets pregnant, cannot graduate from apprenticeship, etc, may even be a bad influence, but try and show kindness, it would not be wrong if you and hubby contribute money in future to help her get a place, so that peace can reign. You said if she were your sister you would get her a place, but she is your husband's sister, show some love, contribute with hubby and get her a place in future.

Thanks for your advice sis.......

I learnt some great lessons from what they did to their fathers wife.... A day after the burial, they told her she couldn't continue living in the house, they sent her away and the woman to the best of my knowledge tried for their father, but at the end.. They said so many nasty things about her So u see, I can't in any way please them, cos if tomorrow the chip goes down, I know what will be my lot, I rather not
Start what I can't finish, cos to tell u the truth, the kid has been bad influence to my child since they started being together, she's stubborn doesn't take to correction and God forgive me unkempt, I don't like the relationship she has with my child.... Please don't crucify me (this is how I feel) but on a second thought, I try to force my self to like her, unlike her mother Dat I like effortlessly.... Please let me just stop here before the bitter woman crew unleash their venom on me....

greatme2good:
Bitter woman, see how you are contradicting yourself. You like her but hate her child how does it sound to you. Bitterness kills faster than cancer Ode.

Sweet woman..... I don't hate her child..... But I can't be financially responsible to the both of them..... Their brother isn't doing same for me and my siblings....

Let them go bear their burdens... Didirin

avast01:
It takes great foresight not to start what you can't finish.
It seems your resources are limited and entirely budgeted for your child. Best focus them on your child then.
From time to time, you can try to extend such kindness to the other child, as much as you can.

Thank u bro..... Exactly what I will... I was just thinking what if I give my child this and I give her child same with mine, a time will come I can't continue the same gestures, how will it feel... Do I start this and continue enduring given my limited income, will I keep doing everything I do for my kid to her kid too... My dear, I looked at it and told myself



PEACE DON'T DECEIVE YOURSELF U CAN'T DO IT 100%....SHE is not my child...

Bunny19:
I thought u needed advice that's why u came here to type this epistle. Since no one can change ur mind, why don't u just keep being d wicked person that u are. After all its ur life and dat of ur family.

Hahaha... And keep being the good pretentious person that you are

greatme2good:
You are wicked indeed! Kindness doesn't cost a thing madam. You said if it's your own sister, you will house her... But you can't do same for your husband's sister Haba.
I read your post twice trying to see if there's anywhere the said woman offended you but I didn't see such. From what you wrote, it's clear she's nice to you but you are simply wicked like you said and not willing to be nice to her.

Please don't transfer your wickedness to your kids. Allow them to do things together with your sister in-law's kid. Teach them love and not segregation, you also should learn to love. See the lady as your sister. There's nothing in life that is permanent, she might get a better job tomorrow.
Please feel free and stop being bitter for nothing. Stop eating yourself to avoid high BP. No hard feelings though...let the love of God reign in your heart.

Mad cow, I have said it repeatedly that I like her however she's not my sister and her kid is not my child, my child is my child and I know the number of kids I have, we are related by marriage not blood, I cannot be responsible for my kids and hers whatever I do for her kid isn't a right... And I choose not to do it... It's not by force and that's exactly how I feel about it....I still stand on the fact that I like her... She didn't offend me.... However I have my limitations

greatme2good:
You are doing eye service too. Your last paragraph proved that. You are scared of showing your true colour cos you feel she will tell her sisters. You are a bad woman.

Mumu... I can show my true colours.... But I'm human I don't like being insensitive to people... Especially because she's someone I like.... Didinrin

SageMK:
Whatever you do today put in mind that tomorrow exist.

Ma'am it wouldn't cost you a dime to be kind.
You don't have to buy things simply to reciprocate.
If it's not coming from your heart, then its useless.

What I am saying is don't be hostile towards her or her kids. At one point, she'll surely leave your home. Please encourage the bonding between both of your kids.

I suggest you start talking to your husband. Giving him the silent treatment is not going to help your cause. Talk to him and know his plans and offer to help if necessary.

He just didn't say anything again at some point during the discussion, at first he said just the lady until the lady brought in her kid after going to spend holiday with her grandma, I don't have problems with the girl, because of course she does eye service dats actually fine with me cos two captains can't sail a ship, I have not enjoyed this marriage since its inception, it's always family problems here and there, the most cause of conflict in this home has always been finance, u can't expect me to start taking care of your family when since inception of this marriage u didn't reciprocate same gestures to mine......
I insist that I can't do what I do for my kid to her kid, if anything happens to my marriage, my kids are st ll technically theirs... Hers ain't mine.... I no dey reciprocate any gesture to them... I can only do what I can do for her and bog offfff.....

I can't start giving my kids stuffs and leave hers out of this.... Just this term I know my kid will suffer... Cos there are some things I want to do for her but I can't because of the other girl.......

And before people start tagging me selfish and self centered..... Yes oo I'm selfish. M at least this is coming from my heart.... I'm not a man pleaser...... What ever I do for her is a privilege and not a right.. MI have chosen not to do it

Swinger60:
Nigerian wives and thier sense of entitlement sha.!!

So, if it was your own sister that is having issues and your husband refuse to accommodate her.., how will you feel?

Or if your husband is being hostile to your sister as you are to his.., how will you feel?

Cant you just tolerate and be kind to that lady.., just for the sake of kindness. Just only 3weeks and 4days and you already opening thread on Nl?

Have you thought of tommrow...? Do you know that your sister inlaw can be your benefactor tommrow.

You are not on talking terms with your husband...? Just because he took his own blood sibling in and also has been feeding her.

Madam Wife.., you are just a wicked person. Thats my opinion..!!

Thanks for being sincere with me...... I'm also being sincere with you... I'm wicked, I can't take care of my kid and hers.... I don't start what I can't finish.....

If it was my blood sister ill house her and her kids.... But she is not my sister nor her kids..

They also didn't think twice before they sent their fathers wife packing just one day after the burial..... I've realized in life that what is your own is yours and not the other way round..... She is nice to me no doubt but when the chips are down... Blood matters most....

Thanks for your sincere comment once again...

Goodafternoon sir/ma,
I'll be brief with my story, and please pardon any grammatical blunders or error you might read in the course of this essay..
My name is Peace, I'm married with 2 kids, my marriage is 4 years plus, I'm married to a man from a poverty stricken background, he is the first born, with 5 other siblings, 1 month back, He lost his father I. E my father in law to a deadly disease, Shortly after the burial the families met, paid the father's wife off and sent her packing out of the house, cos she didn't have any kid for their father, (Yoruba custom and tradition, if u don't give birth for a man, ure not entitled to his possessions after his demise).
Prior to my father in laws death his younger sister who is a single mother and living in the house with her father before his death, said she can not stay alone in the house, because of reasons best known to her, she is an apprentice and only does weekend job which is not constant, she on her part is willing to settle down, but because no man is forth coming for her, she wants to settle down with her baby father which the family see as irresponsible and also they want her to finish her apprenticeship but it's been 2 year she's spending on the work but she seem not to get the hang of the trade, to cut the long story short,
My husband decided he will rent a room for her pending the time he renovates his fathers house so that she can move back there, but to my surprise, so many things happened during the holidays, his immediate younger sister and her 3 kids, came to spend 3 weeks with us in the house, he was practically feeding 9 of us and said he can no longer rent a room for his sister, the holidays are over now and the sister and her child has started living with us,
Something he vowed that no family member can stay with us..
Please note that I don't have anything against his sister and even the child but what I'm concerned about is the financial implication at the home front, The only thing my hubby does at the home from is feed the family 80%, I do 20% of the feeding, and every other thing that concerns my kids, clothing, the snacks and other things she takes to school is not his business, and sincerely tagged me selfish, self centered on anything.... I cant do that for my kid and do same for the younger sisters child, at least that is not coming from my heart, because I've found that regardless of whatever u do, they will still say u did nothing.. Its been 4 days she brought the child and she's been doing everything possible to ensure that my kid and hers(4 and 5 years respectively) keep doing everything together, take for example, she bought 2 pants for my kid, gave her biscuit thinking I will reciprocate same gestures, but I've said to myself that I can't start what I can't finish, I'm no longer myself in the house.... I don't know what to this and because of this reason, my husband and I are not on talking terms...... Please what advice have u for me.... As I have decided that regardless of whatever go on in the house, I'll just do what ever I've been doing for my kid and just act like nothing happened, but this is killing me cos I know she will relay the information to her sisters and there will be problem....

anochuko01:
I was pondering about life a couple of days ago, and all i could see about africa and nigeria was selfishness in the heart of humans.

Very hard to see selfless people... Just "Me alone syndrome" everywhere

Don't blame the selfish people like me... It's Nature that has made them so... Even selfless people do what they do for a reason......

Wow.... Harsh comment from a follower and fan, but hurtful comment from Akpororo.... NA WA oooo

Beautiful Reply for he or she who thinks they can make people feel bad with their runny mouth...

GioneeOnline:
we have the battery in our gionee care centers please visit any close to you for enquiry

I Stay in ijebuode, where is the gionee care Centre here, I've have same issues with battery problem

Jayneek:
Hello Laeroy, I wish you same blessing as well. Actually I didn't forget, the person travelled for the easter break and I am still awaiting his return. Whenever he is available I won't hesitate to ask for your details.

Thanks Oga MI, plenty of God's blessing on you! One love.

Jayneek:
Sure that won't be a problem. Maybe during the week if I have the chance I can ask for your details and instruct my manager in Nigeria to send you 10k. I hope that will help sort you out. Am not like Dangote yet I would have done more for you stranger.

Oga Jayneek, wishing you a happy Easter in arrears, I decree that this week is blessed For us both.... I do hope uve not forgotten me sir.. Cheers

Prove to us.. That this is not scam .

Jayneek:
Sure that won't be a problem. Maybe during the week if I have the chance I can ask for your details and instruct my manager in Nigeria to send you 10k. I hope that will help sort you out. Am not like Dangote yet I would have done more for you stranger.

Oh thanks God bless u sir.... I'LL BE expecting your message sir... I'm sincerely grateful for this kind gesture....