 Culture / Re: Why Igbos Always Travel Home During Christmas Period - Come Rain, Come Shine by Lifebender(m): 9:49pm On Dec 25, 2017 |
So u complain of witches from January to November then you travel home to go meet them in December.
 94 Likes 5 Shares |
| Literature / Re: Christmas; A Chicken’s Tale by Lifebender(m): 8:24am On Dec 25, 2017 |
Debbietiyan:
Another smiling face peeks in through the nettings, the fourth, since morning. I nod in acknowledgment when I am being pointed to, yet again for the fourth time. Care Mistress shakes her head in refusal and attempts to open our home as though to prove a point, but she is stopped by the forth smiling face, she mouths some words but I am too far apart to tell what and too fed-up to attempt moving closer. Whatever she said seems to please Care Mistress…as she casts one happy glance at me and moves away. I haven’t lived long enough, but if this is the treatment I get every day, then I wish this season would last forever. In just a few days…everything has gotten better. Our food, our freedom, and even our treatment. Just yesterday Care Mistress slapped bony Bertrand for throwing tinning-mally as opposed to moving him like she asked. That was a big deal because three months ago after we first came, we have been thrown and pushed.
Meddling-maggie drags to the water can. “Reserve some in your beak for me,” I say, half meaning it because I’m too lazy to make it to the water can, and half trying to get her attention. She has been too quiet lately. Brooding. Which is awfully stupid, given this is the best period of our life.
She raises her head and gulps down water like she doesn’t hear me. Down…down…down, I watch the water glide down her throat.
I look toward the last crumbs on the food tray. I should have left more for someone else, if I had, at least I would have had some damn water to drink.
I look up and she is staring straight at me. “Aren’t you even bothered?” she asks.
“Why should I be?” I ask. Eager to know how such a positive experience would have such negative effect on her.
“Aren’t you bothered about the others?”
“Oh, I should have guessed,” I say, shaking off the sudden itch on my crown. It is at times like this I wish I had hands that grabbed things like Care Mistress and her horrible horrible offspring. Meddling-maggie seems to be upset that beaking-bunny and twenty others were taken to a different place. I keep telling her that they were taken to make space for both them and us, and it was all part of the seasonal change and they would be brought back from time to time to visit.
I am about to tell her this again, when two new faces appear, not smiling this time around. But Care Mistress is, smiling as though she wants to make up for all the times she frowned at us. She points to Dindy, Urol, Milly, Tindy, Viru, Reew, Mew, and Litty. Leaving just me and Maggie. Which doesn’t make sense. There is enough room for the nine of us, when there were thirty of us, dividing us did make sense.
“Where are we going?” Milly asks.
Litty reproves him, “Don’t be silly, you know they can’t hear you.”
“Who cares, I could you a little fresh air.” Tindy chips.
“I could too,” I say, not meaning it. I’m way too tired to walk.
Just then, meddling-Maggie raises herself and aims directly for the hand of the unsmiling man closest to Litty. Swiftly he snatches his hands two whole seconds before her beak comes in contact with the ground. I expect the unsmiling man to do what bony-Bertrand would have done if indeed he was the one she tried to take a pinch off; roughly push her, but what he does next surprises me. He smiles. Then the previously unsmiling faces break into laughter. And I am tempted to laugh along with them, but meddling-maggie wouldn’t like that.
“You see…even the humans are chirpy.” I tell her. I pretend to nibble a flee so she doesn’t read the humour in my eyes.
“Goodbye Dindy, Urol, Milly, Tindy, Viru, Reew, Mew, and Litty.” I call out, “Enjoy your new home.
“Gone to a better place. You’d say.” I hear her say, sounds from her heavy steps recedes as she moves to the farthest corner of the room.
Meddling-maggie excited flappings stir me from my short slumber- well, not so short given the day is dark now.
“What is it?” I say, standing for the first time in hours.
“Look! Litty’s back.”
The pen door opens, and in comes bony-Bertrand, rudely carrying an exhausted-looking Litty. He flings him in, and hurriedly shuts the door.
“Welcome!” I say.
“Why did you come back?” Meddling Maggie asks, at the same time. She has no manners.
Litty stares at the ground for three seconds longer, and slowly makes his way to the center. He could be a drama cock sometimes.
He looks from Meddling Maggie, to me and then back to her and whispers, “It was a conspiracy.”
Meddling-maggie does a quick run around the room, even though I am sure she has no idea what the word means. Litty surprises us, even though we grew up together, he has always been far ahead of us.
“What was a cospricy, and what does that mean?”
“It’s conspiracy, not cosprisey. The humans have deceived us.”
“I knew it. I knew it. I knew…” Meddling Maggie keeps repeating.
“Tell us,” I implore, “what happened?”
“Do you know what this period is?” Litty asks.
“They say it’s Christmas,” I reply languidly, proud of my own memory. I must have overheard bony Bertrand mention it.
“Well, do you know what Christmas is?” He asks. Meddling Maggie answers this time. “Whatever it is, I don’t like it. Today was the worse day of my life. I had absolutely no one to pick on, I mean, talk to.”
“Don’t be silly Maggie, I was here the whole time.”
“You were asleep the whole time.” She fires.
“That’s only because you refused to talk to me.”
“Well, that’s-“
Litty, noticing he is losing his audience comes up with the perfect liner to shut us both up. “We are food.”
It’s the perfect liner because it’s silly, and about the funniest thing we’ve heard him say. Maggie and I burst into laughter.
Why would they feed us food, if we were their food? Surely they should have just got on straight to eat the food? “Why waste food on food?” I ask him.
“Yes, why?” Meddling Maggie joins in.
“Why else would they refer to us as tasty?”
“They? Who?” Meddling-Maggie asks.
“The humans at the market. The ones who came to buy us. We were being bargained for and handled with utmost disrespect. Thank Goodness I read their true intent and acted out on it, else I wouldn’t even be here.”
The joke doesn’t seem funny anymore. “You mean the others weren’t transferred to a new home?”
Litty scoffs. “Transferred my beak. The humiliation of being stuffed in a crate head to arse was nothing compared to the man-handling we receive from those people. Imagine plucking at our feathers to weigh us, and then turning us all upside down held disgracefully by our feet.
“Care Mistress would never allow that,” I say, certain he must be mistaken.
“It is a conspiracy,” Meddling-Maggie adds.
“Care Mistress sold us.”
“And why are you still here?” I ask, “You are one of the weightiest, surely you would have made first choice if any of what you’re saying is true.”
“See this,” Litty raises his left wing and gestures with his right to empty spots, which should obviously have been covered with his white feathers. “These are areas I was plucked. See this,” he gestures to his legs, see that imprint? It was from the rope I was tied with. But these humans tsk tsk tsk, I played my own tricks, they couldn’t get me.”
Fear overwhelms me. “But they can’t mean to take all of us. Why am I still here, why is Maggie still here?”
“Because the both of you were reserved.”
“Reserved?”
“What does that mean?” Meddling Maggie asks.
“It means you don’t have to go through all the trouble we went through to get chosen.”
“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” I ask.
“With us at the end of the bargain, nothing the humans do is a good thing for us. But not to worry, I have a plan.”
“Would it work?” Meddling Maggie asks.
“I am here, aren’t I?”
It’s the craziest idea we have ever heard, but the three of us do it anyway, and by morning, we are bruised, scratched and maimed. Litty was the most enthusiastic of our lot, he even has half his crown falling off.
Bony-Bertrand sees us first and yells out to his mother, who hurries over and meets us at our staged positions. Sitting head bent, eyes half closed, and fallen feathers scattered by our sides.
“We can’t sell them looking like this.” She announces, and turns to bony-Bertrand, “How could you mix the dying chicken with the rest of them?”
For a second, I think Litty’s plan worked until I hear the next sentence.
“Take them into the kitchen before they die. It’s Christmas, we can’t waste the chickens.”
Source
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IG: DebbieTiyan
Debbie baby.. That last part got me... 1 Like |
| Romance / Re: My Sister's Pre-wedding Photos by Lifebender(m): 3:46pm On Dec 23, 2017 |
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| Celebrities / Re: Nigerians React As Ebuka Arrives Cape Town For Banky W's White Wedding by Lifebender(m): 9:18pm On Nov 22, 2017 |
There was a time I used to feel like commenting on every post that gets on FP on Nairaland,
these days I just push the back button cos everything on FP is shit and simply uninteresting. 11 Likes 1 Share |
| Sports / Re: Meet Anthony Joshua's Lookalike (Pictured) by Lifebender(m): 7:39pm On Nov 22, 2017 |
If e no be Anthony Joshua,e no be Anthony Joshua..
Finito!! 1 Like 1 Share |
| Romance / Re: "My Brother Told Me To Have Sex & Get Money" - Lady Flaunts Dollars, iPhone 8 by Lifebender(m): 10:51pm On Nov 19, 2017 |
$300 is the money  Awon Omo shakushaku  2 Likes 1 Share |
| Jobs/Vacancies / Re: All You Need To Know Before Joining The Nigerian Army by Lifebender(m): 8:21am On Oct 08, 2017 |
dominzy:
Things You Didn’t Know About Those Commissioned Into the Nigerian Army
This article on the different commissioned officers in the Nigerian Army, will help clear the confusion lingering in the minds of civilians that want to take up a career in the Nigerian Army.
There are 5 types of commission in the Nigerian Army (NA) – Not Armed Forces.
They are:
1. Regular Combatant (RC). Training takes 5 years.
2. Short Service Combatant (SSC). Training takes 6 – 9 months.
3. Direct Regular Combatant (DRC). Now attained on conversion from DSSC.
4. Direct Short Service Combatant (DSSC). Training takes 6 – 9 months.
5. Executive Commission (EC). Training takes 2 – 3 months.
Details of such commissions are to be found in the Harmonized Terms and Conditions of Service (TACOS) for officers of the Nigerian Armed Forces but a summary goes thus: RC and SSC are combatants, trained to fight battles. Others are not meant to be combatants.
Both SSC and DSSC are of relatively short duration (not more than 12 years I think, excluding extension of service) and must convert to RC and DRC respectively to enjoy a longer career. Theoretically, RCs and DRCs can rise to become generals i.e Brigadier Generals, Major Generals etc. Remember the pyramid structure? The higher it gets, the smaller it becomes. In other words, many are called but only a few are chosen.
DRC’s are mainly professionals – surgeons, pharmacists, chaplains, surveyors etc. and are usually not found in the core combat arms of Infantry, Armour and Artillery but are to be found in the Army Engineers and Signals. EC’s are made up of former soldiers and do not usually exceed the rank of Major.
There are varying criteria for the various commissions. In reality, the advantage is more on the side of those who were originally RC,s than those who were originally SSC,s in terms of age, rank in the Nigerian army, numbers etc. However, anything can happen, for instance Lt. Gen. Ishaya Bamaiyi (rtd.) rose to become Chief of Army Staff (COAS), even though he wasn’t originally an RC.
Although DRCs may never become COASs or General Officers Commanding (GOCs), they can apart from being Staff Officers also hold command posts in corps or services in which they predominate. These include Education, Medical and Finance among others.
Life in the Army here in Nigeria can be promising, particularly now that efforts have been made to consolidate emoluments, but achievement of success or wealth in the Army (here in Nigeria as well as is in other countries) is a product of motivation and determination. If you want to live well, you will. If you don’t, you won’t. The choice is really yours! For RC or DRC, minimum years of service is about 15 years and life as a cadet can be quite strenuous.
Generally, training is in the Infantry Corps Centre and School (ICCS), Jaji, Kaduna State. As for the DSSs and ECs, their training is usually less strenuous, not as in NDA where RCs and SSCs are trained. Cadets are usually humorously welcomed with the euphemism, “Unfortunate Nigerians, you will nearly die but you will not die!” But you should survive if you are physically fit after all, many have gone before you.
As a cadet, you are entitled to allowances which may not really cater for your family if you have one but could go a long way to help you sustain yourself.
If you wish to obtain more information on the Nigerian Army and the types of application forms available, you can check with the Army Public Relations Department in any military barracks near you.
For RC, you need at least 5 credits including English and Mathematics. For SSC, DRC and DSSC, you must be a graduate. Lawyers in the army are usually found in the Army Legal Services and the Military Police. They can also be found in lesser numbers in other corps and services.
As for your private practice, it all depends on what type but you won’t be expected to have your private practice as a lawyer alongside your military career.
Lastly, it is also noteworthy to say that the Nigerian Defence Academy (NDA) now offers some post-graduate courses for those in the military as well as for those not in the military.
more details here» http://www.dominzyloaded.com/2017/10/all-you-need-to-know-before-joining.html You didn't state the duration for DRC.. |
| Celebrities / Re: Kechi Okwuchi Pictured With Heidi Klum by Lifebender(m): 12:23pm On Sep 23, 2017 |
I didn't see any Kechi abi Heidi Klum. I was just looking to the right 8 Likes |
| Sports / Re: Tammy Abraham Tells England FA He Remains Available For Selection by Lifebender(m): 8:18pm On Sep 21, 2017 |
OnyeJombo:
Please what is the meaning of this pix can someone help me explain |
| Politics / Re: Gani Adams Celebrates His Child's Dedication Traditionally (Photos) by Lifebender(m): 6:42pm On Sep 05, 2017 |
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Slap post ume across the face as it kisses the dust..get the master key,..THE ERUDITE PRODUCTS(pq on post ume)...break that steel and iron doors..Attend THE ERUDITE PREPARATORY CLASSES....surprise your detractors...and quieten your detractors!!!...
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Venue: odlt. Oau campus
@the erudite,with zeal we offer the best!!!... Pls rbc
Call:..07037980133(substance) 07064499573(stuff) |
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| Literature / Re: How I Lost A 150k Per Month Job because of a Cockroach !!! by Lifebender(m): 10:06pm On Aug 12, 2017 |
long time ClassCaptain 1 Like 1 Share |
| Celebrities / Re: Late Adebayo Faleti Set To Be Buried September 8 by Lifebender(m): 5:40pm On Aug 06, 2017 |
The orator,rest in peace baba agba. 1 Like |
| Properties / Re: Dubai's 1,100ft Marina Torch Tower Full Of Expats Bursts Into Flame(Photos) by Lifebender(m): 7:20am On Aug 04, 2017 |
explorer!!!!!!!!
well,it is named "Torch tower".It should be a torch to light their pathway nah. 9 Likes |
| Family / Re: Marry and Grow In Love Or Marry The Person You Love, Which One Is Better? by Lifebender(m): 2:39pm On Jul 23, 2017 |
remi1444:
marry the one you love, I wish this my Edo state crush can push me from friendzone. Tell me what happens when the love isn't there no more. You call it quits? 3 Likes |
| Health / Re: Little Girl Takes An Injection From A Nurse And This Happens To Her (Photos) by Lifebender(m): 10:16am On May 21, 2017 |
darbeelicous:
Hey fam..... When u take a look at this pictures what comes to mind, burns? Hot water or fire.... But it's neither of those. This was caused by an injection reaction (that's what the doctor called it!)
8years old ofeyinwa is currently at the federal Medical Center Owerri, he's suffering from what the doctor called injection reaction, apparently, ifeyinwa got down with a cold few weeks back,then her aunty took him to a Nearby chemist, the nurse gave her an injection (obviously expired) ... Anti-maleria she called it. Not quite long ofeyinwa's skin change and it resulted into this, burns all over her face and body. Please let's pray for her quick recovery. Dont pass wrong info pls. The person is probably not a registered nurse. No dey carry ur yansh go chemist you no go hear. 8 Likes 
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| Politics / Re: Nigerian Soldiers Killed By Boko Haram Along Damboa Axis Buried In Borno(pics) by Lifebender(m): 10:34am On Apr 30, 2017 |
ZombieTAMER:
They died in vain
The country ain't worth it mehn
Where is Buhari sef?
Have anyone seen him lately? Sure they do.That's why u can close ur miserable eyes at night knowing Boko Haram wont finish u off before u wake. #Pathetic 9 Likes 2 Shares |
| Politics / Re: Nigerian Soldiers Killed By Boko Haram Along Damboa Axis Buried In Borno(pics) by Lifebender(m): 10:33am On Apr 30, 2017 |
ZombieTAMER:
They died in vain
The country ain't worth it mehn
Where is Buhari sef?
Have anyone seen him lately? |
| Literature / Re: Tradition - A Story by Lifebender(m): 12:40am On Mar 23, 2017 |
jupitre:
Big Bro..have really missed you. |
| Literature / Re: Tradition - A Story by Lifebender(m): 10:00pm On Mar 22, 2017 |
jupitre:
you don't expect it not to lead to hatred especially shiv when she knows her mother prefers shiv wetin this one dey talk now? |
| Celebrities / Re: Designer Calls Out Mercy Aigbe For Not Giving Her Credit For Wearing Her Clothes by Lifebender(m): 11:32am On Jan 20, 2017 |
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| Celebrities / Re: Moesha Boduong Wanted By Goodwill Zwelithini KaBhekuzulu As His 7th Wife [PICS] by Lifebender(m): 8:38pm On Sep 16, 2016 |
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| Romance / Re: My Husband Wants To Kill Me With Sex by Lifebender(m): 3:53am On Sep 01, 2016 |
When y done fooling itself,lerus knw |
| Politics / Re: Amide Clay Industries Berths In Ogun by Lifebender(m): 2:07pm On Jul 17, 2016 |
Increasing IGR is all I see.
Good one, Ogun state 14 Likes |
| Education / Re: #ReOpenOAU Now Trending On Twitter by Lifebender(m): 9:35pm On Jul 06, 2016 |
chisombenedicta:
REOPEN OAU
REOPEN OAU
REOPEN OAU
REOPEN OAU
Cc-seun,lalasticlala |
| Religion / Re: Why Nigerian And Ghanian Churches May Soon Be In The Shoes Of Turkey by Lifebender(m): 12:44pm On May 15, 2016 |
annunaki2:
[s]The crusaders never invaded any non christian country with the purpose of converting them to christianity. I challenge you to name a single country that was invaded for that purpose. The crusaders were primarily a defensive army whose primary objective was to defend European territories against attack from satanic jihadists. The only case of offensive military campaign carried out by the crusaders was when they went to capture and take over Jerusalem[/s]. Stop typing shits.Turkey was under roman empire before the ottoman emprire.A rift between the catholic church allowed them(ottoman) to gain grounds thru jihad. |
| Literature / Re: All In A Circle.....(A crime story) by Lifebender(m): 10:51pm On Apr 02, 2016 |
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| Politics / Re: My Detention Scaring Investors- Dasuki Sambo by Lifebender(m): 7:39pm On Mar 03, 2016 |
Ifa hear!!! |
| Politics / Re: Erdogan To Visit Four African Countries by Lifebender(m): 8:35am On Feb 28, 2016 |
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| Politics / Re: Erdogan To Visit Four African Countries by Lifebender(m): 8:33am On Feb 28, 2016 |
I dnt trust this ISIS supporter 1 Like |
| Politics / Infantino Voted New FIFA Boss by Lifebender(m): 7:02pm On Feb 26, 2016 |
Swiss soccer executive Gianni Infantino vowed on Friday to lead Fifa, the sport's world governing body, out of years of corruption and scandal after being elected president to succeed Sepp Blatter.
"We will restore the image of Fifa and the respect of Fifa, and everyone in the world will be proud of us," the 45-year-old law graduate, for the last seven years general secretary of Europe's governing body Uefa, told an extraordinary Fifa Congress in Zurich.
After a close first round of voting in which he narrowly beat Asian Football Confederation President Sheikh Salman bin Ebrahim Al Khalifa of Bahrain, Infantino appeared to gather up all the votes that had been cast for the two trailing candidates, scoring a simple majority of 115 votes in the second round to Salman's 88.
Infantino owed his candidacy to the fact that Europe's preferred candidate, his boss, Uefa president Michel Platini, was banned from football last year along with Blatter for ethics violations.
He now inherits a very different job from that inhabited by his compatriot Blatter, who toured the world like a head of state for 17 years, dispensing development funds to his global support base.
Before the election, the Congress had overwhelmingly passing a set of reforms intended to make it more transparent, professional and accountable.
The package should mean that the new president will face much closer scrutiny than Blatter did, and have less influence over the day-to-day management of the organisation's business affairs.
The reforms include term limits for top officials and disclosure of earnings, and a clear separation between an elected Fifa Council responsible for broad strategy and a professional general secretariat, akin to a company's executive board, handling the business side.
Much of Infantino's pitch centred on his commercial acumen; during his seven years as general secretary, revenue from Europe's club competitions has grown dramatically, but so has inequality between the rich, powerful elite clubs in Europe's four big leagues and the rest.
But many of the skills now required will be in crisis management.
Criminal investigations in the United States and Switzerland have resulted in the indictment of dozens of soccer officials and other entities for corruption, many of them serving or former presidents of national or continental associations.
In addition, Fifa has been forced to investigate controversies surrounding the awarding of its showpiece, the World Cup finals, especially the decision to grant the 2018 tournament to Russia and the 2022 finals to Qatar, a small, scorching desert state with little soccer tradition.
Swiss authorities are reviewing more than 150 reports of suspicious financial activity linked to those awards, and said on Thursday they had sent more documents including an internal Fifa report to US investigators. http://ng.supersport.mobi/football/fifa-internationals/news/160226/Infantino_voted_new_Fifa_bossCc:Lalasticlala |
