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Family › Re: Norwegian White Woman Living With A Nigerian Man And Having A Child Together. by Maggi85(op): 4:25am On Jul 09, 2022

Nonam:
Your man need to save a lot of money to have a sure footing in his own life. You don't need proof from others that your man is using you. Those people giving advice here are bitter old hag of women. When a Nigeria man tells you he wants more children from you, it is a sign he has chosen you among all women to be the mother of his children. He sees no other woman in his life other than you.

Im agree that this can be the truth. But at the same time im not sure. Another child will secure him more, because then im «stuck» with him for 2-3 more years since its impossible to sit alone with two small children and fulltime job. After those years he will probably have a good job so he can seek lifetime residency in norway. Also i think he deep down knows that what he is doing is not okey, he knows that to not use money on his family here is wrong. So maybe he is afraid i will leave him for another guy. A way to stop that is to make me pregnant again. It just doesnt make sence that he wants more children when he 1.doesnt want to do things together with us/the child, and doesnt bring us all to church only the child (not me). 2. doesnt want to use money on us unless i beg and make a big fight about it (he should do it willingly not by force).

Your man knows that you really love him and he sees no other woman other than you. He wants to marry you. You have to handle your man with patient and care. If you follow evil advice here and push him away, you will regret it all your life. I am a 31 years old guy and I know what I am talking about.

I know a Japanese single mother here on this forum who has been married to a Nigerian man for 17 years. Don't take the advice of this wicked people here and if you push your man away, he will surely walk away from you and not look back.

About his family, they have a lot of financial crisis your man will not want to share with you. He desire to take you to Nigeria to see his family, but Nigeria is not safe for even its citizen. Another thing I will tell you is that, he doesn't give you enough money because he feels you are financially good without him. I understand you need his emotional and financial support from him which is very good. You are not asking much from him. Yes he works a lot and sent money home. Don't push your man away, you will regret.

He has given you his word to support you more when you have another child for him. Talk to your baby daddy and tell him how you feel and what you want from him.

Unfortunately he didnt give me his word that he wlll support me more after another child. He said «you should have known that i didnt have money as a foreigner (but with masters..) when you got pregnant with our first child».

I replied him. «Well i expeced, and also you, that a good job would come your way after a master in engineer». «And now that you have a job its still difficult for you to contribute». He didnt reply me well after that. Just many excuses. My main worry and reason why im afraid he is using me is 1. not wanting to contribute much financially without me forcing a lot. 2. not joining me and our daughter on things like family dinners, playground, friends meetings, cabin with family, vacation, walking outside with our daughter, playing with her. 3. too much focus on sex. He wants sex two times a day when we a 2 year old, its like its only sex he wants from me. 4. he doesnt want me to join him in church, but he takes our daughter there. He says that the reason is that he thinks my agenda to go there is not God but to check on him or see if he meet others. In a way he is also right. Im not agreed to much that his church follow. We are not married, still he has a leader position in the church. That makes me Wonder a bit. Because i have read that in this church you have to be married to do so. Two weeks ago he asked if maybe we should get married this year. Well im still comfused about this guy, and we barely see each other since he works so much, and my daughter doesnt care much about him these days since he is never home.

He works all the time, dont give us much time or money, dont take me to church but want another baby with me and also talk about marriage, never join me on visits to my family, never do familythings together with me and our daughter, use his whole weekend on job snd church but doesnt welcome me there.

So whats in this for me. Been patient for 2,5 years now since she was born. Im a patient woman so maybe i will wait even more, because i feel like if I break up with him i will never get together with him again. People will say; what is there to loose. But in fact i am afraid to loose him because we are a family of three, and i put family very high. I will never give up my family without a long fight.

Thanks four your good advices

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Family › Re: Norwegian White Woman Living With A Nigerian Man And Having A Child Together. by Maggi85(op): 11:23am On Jul 07, 2022

Nonam:
Maggi85

If you take the blind advice this people you will regret it. He was alive before he met you. So Your leaving him will not affect his life.

He will move on and find someone more better.

Its good to hear different views. Thank you everyone for all the advices you give me. It helps a lot. I think you are the only one hear that has the view that he is not using me. All the others are hundred prosent sure he is using me. I am an intelligent woman, and i know whats going on. He earns money, but they go somewhere else than to us. Its not possible for me to find out unless i hire an investigator. Reason i dont leave him yet, is that im scared my daughter will loose him. Even though i didnt say it here, he is a playful and fun dad when he has a bit time for her. Its not often he has time, but its maybe in evenings he has time for her or when he is off work once in a while. Im afraid that he will be gone if i show him the door. And make familiy with someone else, never being with us again. I feel in a way that i have more control of the situation when he lives with us. But the talk about having another baby with him is not good, since he knows he doesnt contribute much in any ways. He talks about african classmates (Norwegian study class) that are always pregnant, and that Norwegian birth rate are so low, that his goal was never to only have one child.

I dont get him. First the talk about having more children. Then the talk that i should have known that he would not have a job when i got pregnant with the first baby. He was about to finish engineering masters at that time. Both of us said that he would of course get a good job, and he said he got good results. Now he refuse that he said anything about that. Of course when you start dating a guy that has much education in a field that has many Jobs in norway im optimistic about our future together. Then corona came. And then.. he got job this may. Only a job here and there, but its good money. Night shifts with extra payment and so on.

Since i like to buy clothes on sale, im often coming home with cheap clothes for me and my girl. He is always commenting «your mum is rich» to our daughter. Its like he says it on purpose so i will feel guilty asking him for money. He said last time i asked for the monthly payment : its only now i have money, but i havent earned much the last two years. So he is always finding excuses so i will not bothering him about asking. But this last time i got really angry. I said to him «where are the money going? You been working fulltime since may». He just tried to talk himself out of it, talking about the past bla bla. I was crying and shouting to him. After one day i got the money i asked for. So he had the money, just Wanted to make a big thing out of it first. But it shouldnt be like that. Im not suppose to fight to get money. He should give it freely and willingly. So my conclusion is also by now: he is using me. And i have to find a way to deal with the situation. Give him ultimatium, or just end it. In a way he doesnt deserve us.

Yes im 40 this year. He is 34. In norway its not like in Nigeria. A woman of 40 are still hot on the market here. People live as single in all ages, and few get married. Im not yet married, so i have good chance to find another man. Its not like «he is hot, but im not since im 40». It has a lot to say how well you take care of yourself. My man is young, but getting fatter. He doesnt exercise or taking good care of himself. I look at least 6 years younger than my age, and noone thinks i look like im 40 this year. Only problem is if you want more kids its good to get it before turning 43. So its good to make a decision soon. I still dont know what to do. I feel like i need proof that he is using me. What if he doesnt like you say, and i regret it later in life. The moment i show him out is the moment i will not see him much again. He is s very proud yoruba man. He will never come back if i break up with him. I guess i will see the truth if i push more. Tell him that either you give me 10 000 kr each month or you are out. If he works like now he has at least 30 000 each month. So 1/3 of income should be possible to give to his family in norway.

Another thing. I think there is something going on in his family in Nigeria too. His dad is a pastor. He congratulated me one time that my parents gave me away to his sone (engagement or marriage). I can see now that he has another account on Facebook that his parents are following, while his sisters and brothers has the normal account. He has hidden friendslist on Facebook. But i can se friends we have in common. Also they didnt make a big celebration for him on Facebook (showing pictures and saying nice things like all nigerians do) but they did for his brother, sister and everyone else. They didnt even congratulate him. Only his sister and brother did. I once hear him fight a lot with his mum. It was about money. But in yoruba. Understood parts of it. I felt like he was angry because they didnt send him money.

He visited Nigeria september last year. When he was there i never got snaps from the family, meals together with his family. It was very few pictures he shared. The church posted a lot, but nothing about that the pastor son came back to Nigeria after 4 years in norway. I feel like that is something the dad should been celebrating, that i would see hugs and so on. I dont know, there is something going on with his family but he doesnt say it.

His dad is a pastor of a big church! So many people. They always were beautiful clothes, always so much glam in the church. Dont you think this family have much money?
Why then have they not been giving my daughter anything since she was born? He came home from Nigeria with nothing to us. Only many clothes (he got it sewed there) for himself.

He talks about that we should go to Nigeria and that they wants to see her. In some way i dont believe it. I dont think he will do it in reality. Its just empty words. Maybe i should do it. Beg him to take us there. If he refuses he has to give me a good reason. Its plenty of reasons for me to not go with a 2 year old though, not the safest part of this planet. But maybe going to Nigeria would make it easy to make a decision about the future with or without him.

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Family › Re: Norwegian White Woman Living With A Nigerian Man And Having A Child Together. by Maggi85(op): 7:44pm On Jul 06, 2022

truthsayer009:
Lmaooo, is that what he told you?
Average middle class families in Nigeria sponsor members of their family in any way or form, they crowdsource, even sell properties.

Do you think he his spending his money on other women?

Nigerian men that I know are serious abroad, they are tight fisted except if its to send money back home for family or personal hidden purposes.

Okey so what you think is that he is sending money back home? And that he sees me spending money on clothes/eating outside/ and so on he doesnt think he has a reason to contribute. And use it instead on familiy in Nigeria (i doubt that since they have money). Or he save money for a future .. with another woman.

Family › Re: Norwegian White Woman Living With A Nigerian Man And Having A Child Together. by Maggi85(op): 6:26pm On Jul 06, 2022

truthsayer009:
Poster, your man needs to send money home to his Nigerian people, therefore he doesn't spend the money with you.

I get you. But..: his parents in Nigeria : his father is the pastor. They have money. So i cant believe he sends money to them. Unless he has to pay back to them. They helped him so he could study abroad. So they have helped him a lot.

"I dont get him. Is he just testing me? Is marrying me a way to secure himself so he can stay in norway? is getting another child also the reason for getting more years in Norway? He can save a lot of money when he lives like he does now."

Maybe or maybe not, but Its usually a struggle for people to remain in European countries so your assumption is not far from the truth.

Family › Re: Norwegian White Woman Living With A Nigerian Man And Having A Child Together. by Maggi85(op): 4:33pm On Jul 06, 2022

Mindlog:
If he is earning less than her and she is the one picking the bulk of the bills, why does he want another child with her?

I agree to this. The situation is that i earn more in the year than him. But when we have a child together its not okey to only share ten prosent of what he earn with his familiy. After all bills are paid im left with very little. He is left with a lot. He works 12 hours on a shift. That means he now earns a lot. Almost more than me/probably more than me. With one engineering job and one delivery job. He is working all the time. Yet dont want to give us more than 5000 kr a month. While i use 32000 kr a month. I have 6000 left to live for (food), he has 20 000 or more for himself But he doesnt want me to se his account. Though i know he works every day. So money has to come in..

Also i dont understand why he wants more kids when he 1.doesnt use time on the one he already have. 2. dont have or want to use money.

Only reason can be that he is from a yoruba culture, and brought up mostly by his mum (dad didnt do much). And maybe he is brought up in a way that kids are mums respnsability.

But yoruba men also want to help familiy financially. So it doesnt fit. Maybe because im white.. and seen as rich.

Well the other reason can be that one more child means that i will need him for at least 2-3 years more. And it secure that he will get to stay in norway.

Another thing that is strange is that he doesnt want me in church. But he took our baby there two times. Why am i not welcome. And why isnt the pastor .. that he is close to.. advicing him to either bring us there or use more time with us? A pastor in most churches would try to make a man prioritize familiy first. I called another pastor and she told me this. She said it can look a bit like the whole church is hiding something from me.

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Family › Norwegian White Woman Living With A Nigerian Man And Having A Child Together. by Maggi85(op): 12:49pm On Jul 06, 2022

I am a norwegian woman. I met my nigerian boyfriend 4 years ago. After being together for 2 years we decided to have a child. We didnt live together at that time. After giving birth to my girl he moved in with me. He finished his masters the same year. Then covid 19 came, and he losts his job as a restaurantworker. He had to get money from the state (NAV), and he managed to have money for food for himself. After a little while he decided to start delivering job. Then he had around 10 000 kr a month. Also worked the whole summer. He continued with this and then started norwegian classes. I got used to being the only one with income, and he only paid 3000 kr a month. That was going to help with half of kindergarden.

Time went by, and now since may he has worked every day. Delivery job and also some small engineering jobs. Every day he is away. Stille he only paid med 3000 a month. Last month I asked kindly if he could increase it to 5000 kr a month since i pay all the bills. He got angry and said he didnt had the money from work yet. Next month i tried again. He got angry again. But it didnt work on me this time. Because I knew that from may to july he has worked even 12 hours shifts as engineer. After almost kicking him out he finally paid me 5000 kr. At least he has 25 000 kr each month in income. 5000 of 25000 kr is very small. I use 35000 every month on our expances. Paying for the apartment and so on.

His answear was. "If im going to pay more, than I have to sign contract so that i also own the apartment". I told him that if he only has the opportunity to pay 5000 a month, it shows me that he cant afford to own anything here.

After living 2 years for free because of him not getting a job, corona and so on this is the way he thank me. In fact he should at least pay 10 000 a month. Electricity, kindergarden ,houserent (we have houserent when owning a house in norway), food and clothes for the child, household articles. Instead he only starts arguing about small money that i ask for.

My question is. Is this nigerian guy trying to use me?. Does he have these kinds of jobs on purpose so that i would be comfused about his income (running his own company, getting jobs here and there.. no consistancy). He also refuse to let me se his account. I asked him where the money is going. He didnt want to answear. Just that he bought some shoes. (They were cheap).

What is clear to me is that he doesnt want to use money on us, unless i beg or ask hundred times. After two days he finally gave them. So he had the money all the time, just didnt want to share it with me and my daughter.

His family in Nigeria have never been giving my daughter any gifts or money. My parents have done everything. And me.

He bought birthday gift for her, but not much more than that.

He goes to work everyday. Doesnt want to use more than 5000 out of 25000 of his money on us. Also never have time for us because of all the work. Yesterday he talked about that he want another child with me, and that money is never a problem. And that I should knew when i got pregnant with first baby that he was in that situation with no money.

I said to him: but i expcted you to get an engineering job, not waiting for years to get one. And also now you have a job. After that he was just starting yelling at me, that he wanted to talk to the udi, that he miss his mum and dad and sisters and brothers in nigeria. That he didnt believe it would be like this.

Its like he expect me to have more than one kid with him with no economically security, or security that he will help me out. I have been much alone with my girl. Every day he works, also in vacations when im off (Im working full time as a teacher) work, and in the weekends he spend both saturday and sundays in church. My daughter is welcome in the church, but not me. He doesnt want med there. And I dont know why. He is saying its because im not a christian. But before he wanted med there.

There is something going on behind my back. Thats for sure. He wants med to give him another child, but he doesnt want to contribute more even if he can. He never do familythings with us, im not welcome in his church.

2 weeks ago he said; maybe we should get married this year. I said to him but with what money?

I dont get him. Is he just testing me? Is marrying me a way to secure himself so he can stay in norway? is getting another child also the reason for getting more years in Norway? He can save a lot of money when he lives like he does now. Not paying much. If he lived alone in Norway renting an apartment, he would have to pay around 10 000 a month , and the child costedy around 4000. So 14 000 a month. Now he pays 3-5000 a month..

And also maybe he will not get to stay in norway according to rules.

What would you do? Show him the door?

Thank you for listening to my story

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Family › Re: About Nigeria/norway Relationship by Maggi85(op): 2:20pm On Nov 10, 2021

Richy4:

It sounds like u are living with a room mate... Your communication level with him is zero.. U don't know much about him after 4yrs... U don't even know if his family were well to do or not, U don't even know if he has told them about you and your daughter.. and u were upset that they did not buy anything for u...

Its true that communication is bad. But his parents knows about me and our daughter. I have talked to them on phone some Times. They know that we live together and have our daughter. But last year is less than before and i react over that they dont give my baby anything. Not for baptism either. Yesterday his dad posted on my insta how me and the baby was. So i feel like either they play games too or they dont know that he isnt contributing at home.

If his parent doesn't know about you and your daughter, how will they get u things?.. He is a pastor's son I suppose, and there are standards.. I'm guessing he has broken that standard by having a baby and a live in girlfriend...

Yes the standards can be a problem. The family has a high status in the community too.

Don't you think it's about time both of u evaluate things?.. Ask where the relationship is going? Ask If he's in or out... If he's in, then he must act like it... If he wants out, u know what to do next...
Yes avsolutely. Thanks

Family › Re: About Nigeria/norway Relationship by Maggi85(op): 10:41am On Nov 10, 2021

Mariangeles:
There's such thing as a Nigerian church in Norway?

Yes it is☺️

Family › Re: About Nigeria/norway Relationship by Maggi85(op): 8:38am On Nov 10, 2021

Double0h7:
I don't understand, how do you own a property and pay rent?
In norway its most common to have a houserent or we call it shared rent. We are a country with very high expances. Even though the system is good, its also a system that works best if two are contributing to the expances on housing. To explain it short. When you buy an apartment or terrace house you have loan from the bank (its few in norway that owns it- the bank owns it) and then you pay from 2000 to 9000 a month (kr) to the housing assosiation (borettslaget). So i have to pay 6000 kr a month for house rent and also loan on house. In the rent there is hot water, fire safety, money they use to fix garden/property, internet. People coming to norway are shocked that we pay so much everywhere. And also have high tax. But same time we are safe here, with NAV taking care of us if we are sick. And a good health and school system. The rich people though are working in private sector, not teachers like me.

Anyway, you need to talk to him and find out what he wants and what you want. If you want him to pay the rent then give him the bill and if he refuses then follow through with the consequences (eviction-end of relationship etc) but if you're scared to lose him then be quiet and carry the burden.

I think it shouldnt be only two options. Im looking for the middleway. But if he is not in this for the right reason then i would rather know now than some years later. Im looking for the truth about him, hope God reveals it one day.

He is an African man so he doesn't come from a 50/50 background and he may want a relationship with clear gender roles, there's no right or wrong system it's just people's preference. You should find out what kind of home he wants to run. Maybe your cultures are too different and you're not compatible.

im so agree with you. But if the nigerian system is patriark system (male is the head) then why doesnt he want to provide for us. Its not logical that he can be the head at home and at the same time not contribute at all. I feel like that is what he wants. And he has speaches in church about marriage. Read something he wrote about that a wife should be submitted, not talk to much. That woman always should see man as above the child. In norway children are seen as very important. And they often gets more attention than the relationship. We are not treating our men like kings at home. Its not much about power but more about having equality and freedom at home. Men are not seen as more important than women. But he reads a book that had the view that a woman should always be submitted in a marriage, and bring food on the table and never arguing. Always say yes to sex, and do alle she can to look beautiful so the man are not tempted by others. This book has the name «revolutionary thoughts on marriage»by Tanee Fomum Z. I hope this book is not what he agrees to. If so i cant marry him.

Family › Re: About Nigeria/norway Relationship by Maggi85(op): 8:05am On Nov 10, 2021

Shokoloko:
Does he attend a Nigerian church or a Norwegian church?

He is attending a nigerian church

Family › Re: About Nigeria/norway Relationship by Maggi85(op): 2:14am On Nov 10, 2021

Vision101:
@Maggi85

Well thank you for your help.
Any suggestion on how to Expose him, like find out the truth about him?

@me
His Nigerian friends in Norway will not tell you the truth. Confront him and tell him that his attitude shows that he has other plans outside you.

Threaten him that you will take the matter to his church.

Thank you for your advice. He is not much interested in taking me and the daughter to his church (last year). But i have a strange feeling about that. His responsibility in the church is much more than before. He has a bigger role. Maybe the church is questioning why we have kids outside marriage. In this church its seen as not good at all. Well this man is a mystery and im tired of being comfused.

How old is he and how often does he come to Nigeria? Don't be carried away by their calling you wife.

He is 32, and im 39. We have been together for 3 years. He went to Nigeria this year, but it was 4 years since last time. He spent most of the time in his fathers church because of celebrating. He is a very Christian man. And im like most Norwegians not much religious, but i sing in gospel choir. And he comes to my church. But seems like he is not that interested to take me to his church anymore. They know about me and his daughter. And she gets presents from church.

Well i guess i need to confront him. He is good at lying (lied about a girl a year ago that he met behind my back as «friends») thats why its not easy to get the truth out of him and i try to find other ways to find info about nigerian guys.

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Family › Re: About Nigeria/norway Relationship by Maggi85(op): 1:34am On Nov 10, 2021

Vision101:
Is either he is married or he has no intention of marrying you. He has not emphasized to his people back home that he has a wife or a wife-to-be in Norway.

Yes his dad call me wife, and they all have been talking to me. But i dont like that he came back from Nigeria without any present from his family to our child. Some people say that nigerians dont give things if you live in a rich country like norway. But i get a feeling that they dont care much for our daughter. But i feel like he maybe doesnt want to marry me. I think he would have been more interested in showing himself as a provider. Im thinking maybe he is saving his money for a future with another woman. Maybe someone in church. He shows that we are a couple on insta, but on Facebook he doesnt have pictures of me and him or our daughter. He says he doesnt thing its good to show baby on Facebook. But i dont believe it. Maybe he has to hide his life on Facebook for some reason.

The baby is not a priority to him. Be wise.

that is absolutely true. Its like he sees the baby as my responsibility not his. Of course he plays with her and likes to be with her and loves her. But economically he doesnt suppprt her or us. And he always give exuses for what he needs his money for (fix car, travel to Nigeria, the vacation was expensive so i need to work a lot after Nigeria, dentist, tax)

So he only gives half of kindergarden. That is ten prosent of what he earns a month. I use 99 prosent of my income.

Well thank you for your help.
Any suggestion on how to Expose him, like find out the truth about him?

Family › Re: About Nigeria/norway Relationship by Maggi85(op): 10:32pm On Nov 09, 2021

Shokoloko:
Nigerian men provide - they are wired to. If your partner is not providing, you are NOT a priority for him: some other woman is and he will leave at some point

Nigerian people are family oriented - they identify with the children of their sons and daughters. It is the nature of most Nigerians/ Africans to keep in touch and give gifts (no matter how small) to nieces and nephews and grand children.
If your partner's family is not actively making efforts to buy gifts and contact you and his child in Norway, its because there is a second wife and a second set of kids that they have already identified with.

Thanks so much for your honest reply.
This is the same im been worried about for long. Do you have an idea of how to expose him or find the truth?

Family › About Nigeria/norway Relationship by Maggi85(op): 7:20pm On Nov 09, 2021

Hey. Im a woman, 39 years old and together with a nigerian man living in norway. He moved in with me 1,5 years a go, and we had a baby at the start of our time living together.
I own the apartment, but in norway we have a system that you pay loan and a also a houserent. Outside that we have electricity, tv, warm water. My whole salary is used on living expances and also for the baby. My man doesnt want to pay even if he make money. Only thing he wants to pay is half of the kindergarden. He used a lot on designer clothes for himself when he visited Nigeria. But didnt buy anything for me and our daughter. The familiy in Nigeria didnt give our daughter anything either even if the father is a pastor and looks like they have money. He is looking for a good engineer job, but doesnt have it yet. Still he works a lot and he earns money. Im comfused why he doesnt want to contribute to his familiy in norway, and im tired of fighting about it. Maybe someone from Nigeria can explain. He is very active in church and he is there every weekend. He doesnt do much economically for us, and he has only changed diaper ten Times since she was born. We are not married. I dont know how long this can last. In norway we are used to 50/50 contribution both finalcially and duties.

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