₦airaland Forum

She is an individual, and has played no part in breaking up her parents relationship - why should it matter?

Thnks guys, for all your advice. I do appreciate the interest you have taken in my situation. I only posted this to ensure that I wasn't going crazy, and that the issues I'm facing are actually things to be concerved about - not things that are normal in every relationship.

We had a discussion regarding the Twitter issue, and I stand to be corrected on that. He said he did not hack into my account, but I must have logged in and forgotten to log out, and that he had been trying to log out but couldn't. I have to take his word for it on this one, and I will admit that I was wrong. I assumed that my account had been hacked, as all the previous behaviour had pointed me in the direction of this conclusion.

To respond to some issues: Why would I know this, and still wait 20 months? The first thing is that at the end of the day, I love him even though I know he has faults. It's not as if I don't have my own faults too. He's never been violent to me, so I don't see any reason why he should suddenly become violent. I agree that there are some insecurity issues, and I have raised these, and he has admitted to them. Personally, I believe that when you love someone, you love all that they come with as well, and I am prepared to work through this, and see where it leads - not giving up without trying. Obviously, if my life is in danger, and the situation cannot be salvaged, then I will have to do what is best.

I only mentioned my virginity here to highlight the fact that I haven't got a bad track record to support his fears, so I can't say where they are coming from. I don't feel that walking away now means that I have lost anything - I will be hurt, scarred but happy and alive. I will take my lot that marriage isn't for everyone and kids are also not for everyone. Afterall, there are many children out there waiting to be adopted. I am blessed to have good health ad a job to sustain me, and my happiness has to come from within, not from outside. I'm not concerned about my age - my parents and everyone around me might be, but I am not. I feel that it is better to be alive and happy than struggle to fit (at the risk of your own life) into societal norms. At this point, with the mistake I have made regarding Twitter, I don't believe my life is at risk, but the previous issues have been raised and we have arranged to attend counselling, and he is willing to go.

Thanks again everyone for voicing your concerns. It might not seem like I am listening, but I am.

chuks315: OP, You still haven't answered my question yet. Have you had s** with him yet?

Yes. Hence was a virgin. This all started after we started.

ferhyntorlah: Dear Poster,

Where you at? Your input is required.

PS: have you filled your parents in about this?

Thanks for your helpful advice though.

ileobatojo: Does your friend control his new gf's moves. Does he sneak after her when she goes out to make sure she goes where she says she's going? Does he obsessively tell her never to discuss their problems with any of her support system under the guise of not bringing outsiders to their relationship. Does he ask her 'who have you told' every time they have a problem? Does he hack into her social networking sites and set it up to receive direct notifications of her private messages? Does he prevent her from talking to male strangers? Does he accuse her of cheating as a result of any contact with men?

If he does all this then he is an abuser. She should dump him too. Whether he has hit her or not does not change the fact that he is an abuser. He just has not physically abused her.

If he does not go to this extent then there is no basis of comparison between the two cases.

The article never said an insecure person becomes violent but congrats on desperately trying to minimize the seriousness of the issue. If it works for you to deliberately close your eyes to what it is saying then good for you.

God bless you. Thank you for all your great advice. You have no idea how much it has helped. At least, I now have sought the public opinions, I've heard all the warnings, and it's left to me to do what's best. Thanks again.

hassymo5: op why did you lied to him about going to work,,, why not tell him the truth of the thing you want to do.,,, one simple lie can make a man or woman distrust you... Think about it

This happened after he followed me to church, confirming that he had his suspicions before then. I only lied because I didn't want to be disturbed, and I didn't want to hurt him by saying so. I agree it was very foolish for me to do, and a big mistake, but I didn't feel like I would be believed anyway.

[quote author=tpia@]Too many commas in the story- you dont actually look that innocent yourself though i could be wrong.


And did you say your fiance's cousin's boyfriend tried to chat you up?

Chat you up meaning what- date you or simply have a conversation with you?[/quote]Please tell me where thee commas are. I understand that this is only one side of the story. I did mention that he is better thanhe was at the beginning, which makes me feel that he will change with time - even though people here are saying that people like that don't change. I probably don't look that innocent myself, you're right. This is why I'm trying to figure out WHAT is it that I'm doing? Where have I gone wrong? I only ever go to work - do I quit working and stay at home? This year, I have seen my close friends far less than often, and I spend all weekend with him. I put this down to "well, things have changed"

Yes - the guy in question probably didn't know who I was (and vice versa) and was staring all through the flight. After we landed, heh was waiting to talk to me so I thought he knew me, and responded when he said hi. He introduced himself, and when I picked up that he might have had other intentions i.e saying I looked nice, I told him I was married and walked off. So I don't think it was an innocent conersation on his part. Or maybe I have become paranoid.

[quote author=trix!]So you say
1) this guy has cheated in ALL his past relationships, and you were NEVER intimate in any of your past relationships.





2) This guy is tracking every minute detail of your life, and you totally trust him, not minding his antecedents



3) His Cousin has stood up for you as a character witness, and the guy is very cunning..



You have painted this guy as a bad person, and made youself almost saint-like. I really do not know if you expect anyone to read this story, believe it and still stand up for this guy.

But I still think you must have seen something in this ‘bad guy’ to date and even accept his marriage proposal; Its normal to have Cold feet just before the wedding, sometimes blow things out of propotion. BUT if every single thing you typed up there is true, then the guy is paying for all his years of cheating… After all the real punishment of a lair isnt that his lie isnt believed, but that he CAN’T believe anything other people say.[/quote]1. I have been intimate in the past, but I have never gone all the way as I vowed to only do that with the person I would marry. I'm not a saint, things have just so happened that way, and this is one of the reasons why my previous relationships haven't lasted.
2. Yes, it sounds weird and I sound stupid, but I do trust him mostly. I believe that the past is in the past, and mistakes are mistakes.
3. His cousin basically just confirmed that her boyfriend told her that he met some girl on a flight who told him she was married. That girl turned out to be me, and I had already told him story, and the fact that I had to respond to him in this way, because I felt that he was trying to seduce me.

I'm not seeking for people to take sides - I'm just trying to understand where I stand, maybe if someone has been in a similar situation, they can offer advice on how they resolved the issue.

sauceEEP: u've said my mind. I just can't believe that some people are here advicin her to cal it quits.smh @op work on ur relationship and seek Gods direction. Dn't forget that the devil u knw may be better than the angel u dn't knw.

I think all advice is valid. We are all different people, and everyone would probably handle the situation differently based on their background and personality. To be honest, I'm prepared to work with him to resolve this problem, because this could do me also some serious damage if it has to end to save my life or for any serious reason. If it does, then I'm out for good. I'll probably never desire to marry anyone again, and sort out how to live my life by myself. I'm not desperate to marry, and I'm not scared of the prospect of being alone forever as long as I have my peace of mind.

mbatuku2: Have you complained to him how his behaviours make you feel?

I'm thinking you're sending out vibes that make him doubt your faithfulness, if so work on that too.

We have talked about it several times. I don't have any male friends, apart from 2 guys who are part of a school group whom I see once a year during our annual reunion (we have always met as part of a big group of guys & girls). I don't talk to these guys on the phone, however I comment on their facebook statuses from time to time and vice versa. I do talk to several guys on Twitter - but not personal stuff. If they say something that interests me I'll comment. I don't flirt, so I'm confused about what vibes I might be sending.

jp philips: you can be saying that to sexkillz not me.

first, what has your being a virgin for 25yrs got to do with an insecure man that wants to marry you?

Did you think that keeping yourself will definitely change the paranoia of the guy?

lets start form there if you can make the connection.

Thanks for your solitary opinion.

jp philips: lol, funny enough it took you nearly 3 decades to realize that your sexual orientation aka virginity count for nothing in the real world.

how i wished you skipped the bold parts in your post, it shows you have a mindset that you are a trophy that should be treated better than anyone else, implying you don't deserve his paranoia.
Nonsense!!!!!
DOUBT IF YOU KNOW THAT W.H,O.R,E.S WERE ONCE VIRGINS LOL,

I didn't say it to assume that I deserve any special treatment. I only put it there to highlight his response to this. My assumption is that most people would initially think "Minimum baggage", not "There must be something - Are you gay?". I agree that I'm not a saint, but it doesn't follow reason.

Chrisbenogor: @OP
Every relationship is doomed to fail or to succeed. No advice here should make you end your relationship you need to sit down, think and try to make this work.
Let me first say this asides from that he is paranoid I think he cares enough to be paranoid, that's a positive. If you have not grilled him about his past then you need to do that now, not in an interrogatory way but more like a "I want to know what your story " way. You also need to learn to tailor your reactions to these things to work to your advantage, instead of surprise and disgust try laughing and reassuring.

I am saying all this because we all have one baggage or the other, I do not believe in condemning a relationship because of one problem. Sit with him, have this talk and make him understand you do not expect him to change overnight, but you would by your actions be willing to help him work through it. At some point he will cross the line and fully trust you, there are jealous people in the world who still have very good marriages. If you think he is worth it then you need to tackle the issue instead of sit back and expect him to "change" overnight.

Work on your relationship, not many people have got what you have.

This is wisdom. I have asked questions myself, and he has been very honest. At least he hasn't hidden who he was from me. The thing is that we have had many such conversations, and he always says verbally that he trusts me, but his actions don't show it. Mind you, he is improving continually, and I'm of the belief that we are all imperfect, and we all need to understand each others faults. I don't mind this, but I don't wan't to be faced with a situation that could cost my life for nothing.

Odinaka00: Lol this guy might even βξ a member on nairaland o, he might even βξ reading all these comments sef lol

If he is, then this is a good then because at least he can see the public opinion on the issue.

[quote author=Mynd_44]In every relationship, there must be some level of trust. It seems this guy does not trust you at all and without trust, you might as well be walking into a vush street blindfolded. Run run run
it is better to call it off now that when you are both hurting as a result of his distrust[/quote]We have talked about this though, and he says that he trusts me. He says he only does this because we need to be accountable to each other, and I can do the same thing to him if I wanted, but I even though I love him dearly, I don't have the energy to start grilling him for no reason.

azpekuliar: It's just a case of insecurity and being overly jealous to the point of now becoming controlling, invasive and manipulative. It's no reason to bail out of the relationship.

You only need to keep reassuring him of your love for him and why you would always be there for him. I'm sure he has fears and anxieties (perhaps born out of the fact that he was an ex-player) but this is not the time to be dismissive of them, but to lend a listening ear.

The man loves you and some fair amount of jealousy is necessary to maintain a healthy relationship but let him know that this sort of extreme jealousy can also alienate you from him.

He's a jealous man that just needs extra reassurance of your unconditional love for him. Provide that and go on with them marriage plans.

Good luck!

Hoe much reassurance is enough reassurance? Is this "constant reassurance" a cross I will have to bear all my life? Does this mean this it's going to be like this forever and ever and ever?

*They*? You meanthe people on this thread?

I've heard this before, but I'm confused because it is hard to imagine how, as he is normally very loving and caring. It's just that when the jealousy sets in, it becomes very difficult to understand, or even manage.

Thanks for the advice. Is there any part of my post above which suggests that things cannot be worked out? I'm just really upset about this, and I'm in a mess.

Hi guys, I need fresh eyes to look at this situation, as it is bugging me constantly.

I've been engaged to this guy for about 20 months - even though I was a virgin at 25 when we met, I have had previous boyfriends. He grilled me several times in the beginning, wanting to know what specifically I had "done" in the past with them, even going as far as to asking if I was gay.

We live apart, and he has always been obsessed with the idea of me "cheating". When we started, if he phoned me and I was unavailable for any reason, it meant that I was being suspicious even though I called him back asap. It doesn't help also that he is very cunning. On one occasion, I invited him to church with me, he pretended he wasn't coming, dropped me off at the station, and immediately followed me on the train back to church to see if I indeed was going where I said I was. When confronted, he said it was because I gave him a reason to believe that I was cheating by not always answering my phone immediately - he thought I was meeting up with friends after service. (Even if I do, I still don't see why this should be a problem!). One public holiday, I had lots of work to do at home so I told him I was going to work when I wasn't (I didn't want to be disturbed). He called my work, and as I wasn't there, he concluded I was cheating. He confronted me about it, and I admitted that I lied about going to work, but only because I needed to get some work done at home. He was terribly upset about this, even shouting at me down the phone. It was only later that I realised that he got so emotional because he had assumed that I was cheating, not because he was betrayed by me lying about where I was. He admits that he has had several partners before me, and also that he had never been 100% faithful to any one of them. Yet, I do not try to grill him in the same way. I do not assume that he is cheating when anything happens, if he doesn't answer his phone immediately. The funny thing about this is that the day he told me that he had never been faithful to anyone before (even in a 5 year relationship that he was in - he said the lady cheated, so he cheated for revenge), he immediately followed up saying that things might get bloody if I ever cheated on him. His first reaction if anything happens between us is "Who have you told?". He says that he doesn't want us bringing 'outsiders' into our marriage issues, which is a valid approach, but I am beginning to doubt the intention behind this.

Recently, I found out that he has (without my knowledge), not just hacked into my Twitter account but also set up his phone to receive an alert whenever anyone mentions me or sends me a message on Twitter. This is not just a hack which lets you log into my Twitter. This is an alert like a text message. This means that wherever he is, whatever he is doing, he wants to know what who contacts me on Twitter. He does have a Twitter account but isn't interested in anything I have to say and so he isn't following me. Rather he is interested in the private messages I get, and what messages people send me. By the way, I have absolutely nothing whatsoever to hide there. I do have male "followers", but these are people who I learn from. I'm quite interested in business and technology and I think it's a great learning resource for other people's experiences. So I don't mind that he can see all my conversations. What I mind about is that 2 months to our wedding, this man is convinced enough that I might be flirting with other men, that he is still trying to catch me out through various methods. This worries me, because why would anyone go through wedding planning and preparations with someone they don't trust? I'm not a flirt, I don't have many friends yet I'm being treated like a criminal. I almost regret saving up myself all these years only to end up being monitored and investigated for infidelity for no just cause. This breaks my heart because I don't treat him the same way, and I don't know what I have done to deserve this kind of treatment.

The ironic thing is that early this year, I met a guy on the plane, who can be desribed as a ladies man. This man stared at me for the entire duration of the 6-hour flight, at the end of which he stopped me to chat me up. I initially thought he recognised me from somewhere, but when it seemed he just wanted to chat a girl up, I told him I was married and walked away. I narrated this to my fiance, and by pure coincidence 3 months later, it turned out the same guy in question was dating my fiance's cousin, and had narrated the incident to her as well, confirming my story in public! If anyone ever needed reassurance, then I would have thought that would be it - but my fiance says that his problem is that I shouldn't even have had a conversation with a stranger in the first place! So basically he's not convinced that I wouldn't sleep with any odd guy that catches my fancy if he had the right qualities. When you love someone, have given them yourself in a way that you'll never give anyone, and want to spend the rest of your life with them, this is very hard to hear. I understand that he has been cheated on before, and it was difficult for him, being a very very caring guy, but it still doesn't justify punishing me for other peoples sins.

What do you make of this, guys? Are his fears justified? Is this how Nigerian relationships usually are, or is my case a special case? I'm really really pissed off about this Twitter issue, especially as there is no need for it.

Terrible. You should teach him a lesson

My sentiments exactly! What's the big deal?

Paco Rabanne

This scares me a lot.

No

babree:
i need sex ual no string attached rship, conact me if u reside ard mushin, yaba, and surulere
we don't have 2 pretend we all adults right
be true 2 yourself

Hello, Please I am interested in this vacancy. If I'm HIV postive, hope that is not a problem? Thank you and hoping to hear from you soom. My number is : 070441199419. Thank you. Desperate Eager to hear from you. . . * Licking lips*

What does "One Leg Up" mean?

@ Naje Haje

Abi o. .

One more reason to hold oneself until marriage.

crazy

**Echoes** Correct Idoit.

The sure-fire way of prevent pregnancy is to hold your privates to yourself. That way, you can't go wrong.

Congrats!