₦airaland Forum

Merry birthday sussy.

Wooooo. . . .

Yea, yea.

Yap.

What?

Oooole.

. . . . Or U'll starve this XMAS.

@ben
may be u'll need rat poison as well.

Corporate Definitions


BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.

IDEA HAMSTERS - People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOM - (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

SQUIRT THE BIRD - To transmit a signal to a satellite.

STARTER MARRIAGE - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

TOURISTS - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

TREEWARE - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

XEROX SUBSIDY - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

GOING POSTAL - Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

ALPHA GEEK - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

CHIPS & SALSA - Chips? Hardware, salsa? Software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa.

FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD JOB - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The OJ trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

UNINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)

VULCAN NERVE PINCH - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power On key.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CLM - (Career Limiting Move) Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located." Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man."

GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Secret Cat Diary


DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair, must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was, Hmmm. Not working according to plan,

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

probably because he cant clea up his act

Lawyers


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A. Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and night crawlers.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the definition of a lawyer?
A. A mouth with a life support system.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new car.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A. No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A. The caterer.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A. Other lawyers look interested.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A. Who cares?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A. You always hear about them, but you never see them.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A. Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A. Jewelry.

Academic Talk


The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!

"It has long been known" = I didn't look up the original reference.

"A definite trend is evident" = These data are practically meaningless.

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions" = An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" = The other results didn't make any sense.

"Typical results are shown" = This is the prettiest graph.

"These results will be in a subsequent report" = I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"In my experience" = once.

"In case after case" = twice.

"In a series of cases" = thrice.

"It is believed that" = I think.

"It is generally believed that" = A couple of others think so, too.

"Correct within an order of magnitude" = Wrong.

"According to statistical analysis" = Rumor has it.

"A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings" = A wild guess.

"A careful analysis of obtainable data" = Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop.

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"= I don't understand it.

"After additional study by my colleagues"= They don't understand it either.

"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions" = Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A highly significant area for exploratory study" = A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field" = I quit.

clemcykul:
@ben thanks dear! at least we can use our money for other things

like buying u a pair of briefs because u don't like wearing one

tell him honnie

Neyoyo:
Are you a marketer or a sole distributor

which soothes u?

mellow:
Migines you still de alife? Don't tell me you survived all those shots.[/color][color=#990000][/color][color=#990000]

did u send ne1 to kill me?

piccolo?

Pls sombori shud told me, have seun saw tear rubber moderator?

*all gather*
we're listening.

I'm lmao. #2 is a damn kool move.

Just for d record, "drive thru fun" is a more xplanatory title.

@dapsin
is dat "69" just a random number or wad'a think ed'is?
Just thinking.

Datts my phrase up dere dude! You've been stalking me?
And. . .  go'get yourself some gay madafcker whos as$ u can drill witout getn shot. . . . c0z my as$ is MY ass and if u come ne where 50m  close to it, u'll knw what a gentleman is NOT!

<:>

Wat da hell is goin on ere

Good

Kids. . .Quit d role play.

I DONT! Think so.

Aiight.

Why u telln me "sorry"? Waz only 3ryn to help u. If ur gprs is active regardless of the line, u can do wad i just xplain. ed a'int no rocket science.

U wanna knw?

Wish yall a merry xmas and a fu<king new year.

C0z theres no need. The xternal reactn 4rm dat process turned hm into palm oil.