₦airaland Forum

U must have a very STRANGE sense of humour. I cant seem to figure out wat will at least make u smile.

n0 0ff3nc3

Changing the grammatical structure doznt make it a new joke. Pls try again l8er.

Lol
c me c username o.

Thanks Aiphie, datts d point.

Wat do u mean by ur ist paragragh?

Wat do u mean by ur ist paragragh?

Thanks girl

But u've got 2balls, the question is,"where?"(i know)

Lol, dis is really funy dawg.

You've a face like a million dollars

You've a face like a million dollars
all green and wrinkled.

A man was helping one of his cows

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old
son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man
thought, "Great, he's 4 and I'm going to have to start explaining the birds
and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son,
do you have any questions?" "Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How
fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

where did I come from?"

Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for
which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room,
got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought
she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions.
Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly. "Does that answer your
question?" her father asked. "Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said
she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."

How NOT to Wash Your Dog

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery
picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over,
and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he hade lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you
wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and
paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer
asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died
but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the rinse cycle!"

Children's Books That Didn't Make It

1) You're Different -- And That's Bad
2) The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
3) Robert: Dad's New Wife
4) Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5) The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
6) Kathy Was So Bad That her Mom Stopped Loving Her
7) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
All Cats Go to Hell
9) The Little Sissy That Snitched
10) Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
11) That's It; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption.
12) Grandpa Gets a Casket
13) 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool
14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15) Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17) Strangers Have the Best Candy
18) Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19) You Were an Accident
20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
22) Your Nightmares Are Real
23) Where Would You Like to be Buried?
24) You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown
25) Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from Your Nose

I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Hudson's
daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must just say, "I'm Jane
Hudson." The minister spoke to her in Sunday school and said, "Aren't you Mr.
Hudson's daughter?" She replied, "Well, I thought I was, but mother says I'm
not."

Finding The Lord

A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might
be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis
on his birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus
occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is
Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's
in our bathroom!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a
response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He
finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well, every morning, my father gets up, bangs on
the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?’”

Bring Your Daughter to Work Day

Man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The
little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call
her a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary
is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the
computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when
you lay her down on the couch."

Are You Ready for Children?

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly
prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests,
MESS TEST:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet
flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish
stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may
substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over
the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not
scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you
shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they
eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making
sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the
ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while
pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the
bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up,
pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen
more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make
breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave
it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to
help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and
arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a
newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:

Find a couple that already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's
table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they
should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be
the last time you will have all the answers.

One day a little girl came running into her house

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five
dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five
dollars from.
The little girl replied: ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for
doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter: "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see
your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I
got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing
a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied: "Didn't I tell you that he is, ''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy! I tricked
him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

Garden of Eden

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked
Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God
said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called “woman”.

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will
always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never
ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not
nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a
disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give "love" and
compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?" God
said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest
is history,

This guy sees his new neighbor,

This guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he decides to get
acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a
living.

The new neighbor says,” I’m a professor." The first neighbor then
asks,"Oh yeah, what do you teach?"

"Logic", the professor responds. "What is that?" the neighbor #1inquires.

"Well, let me see if I can give you an example, you have a dog, right?"

"Yeah, that's right, “the neighbor #1 responds.

"And you have children too, right?" says the professor.

"Wow, right again," exclaims the neighbor.

"So, then you must be married and that would make you a heterosexual, right?''
proclaims the professor.

"Unbelievable, you're absolutely correct. How do you know all this about me?"

"Well," the professor says, "I observed there was a dog house in your
backyard, so you must have a dog. I also saw bicycles next to your garage, so
you must have children. And if you have children, you are probably married and
if you’re married, you are most likely heterosexual, it was all logical!"

The next afternoon, the neighbor runs into his old friend. His friend asks if
he has met the new neighbor. The man says that he met him yesterday.

"What's he like?"

"Well," the man says, "he's nice and he is a professor of logic."

"Oh," says the friend, "what's logic?"

"Maybe I can give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"

"Why, no, I do not," responds the friend. "Well, then," proclaims the man,
"you must be gay!"

You Bet Your (Sex) Life

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of
strokes.

The golfer says to him, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your
sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless,
but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the
putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on
this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another
fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure."

He makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.

Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be
willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,
"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am.
I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

Three Embarrassing Moments

A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got
up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine
her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the
entire store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13, TAMPAX, and SUPERSIZE." That was
bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the
word "tamp ax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back
over the intercom: "DOES YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE
KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my
parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a
romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone
ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her piggyback ride to
the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get
dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on
and a whole crowd of people yelled ''SURPRISE!'' My entire family — aunts,
uncles, grandparents, cousins — and all my friends were standing there! My
girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what
seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise
party

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after
receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if
she did not start behaving right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she
looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, ''If you don't let
me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last
night!'' The silence was as deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the
door closed behind me was screams of laughter.

Add It Up: Relationship Guide

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the
world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something
she likes and you get points? Do something she dislikes and points are
subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects, Sorry,
that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed, +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows, 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets, -1
You leave the toilet seat up, -5
You leave the toilet lid down, -10 after the lights are out, -30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty, 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex, -1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom, -2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings, +5
But return with beer, -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night , 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing, 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something, +5
You pummel it with a six iron, +10
It's her father, -10

Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party, 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking
buddy, -2
Named Tiffany, -4
Tiffany is a dancer, -6
Tiffany has implants, -8

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner, 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar , +1
Okay, it is a sports bar, -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night, -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team, -10

A Night Out With The Boys:

Go out with a pal, -5
And the pal is happily married, -4
Or frighteningly single, -7
And he drives a Mustang, -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED), -15

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie, +2
You take her to a movie she likes, +4
You take her to a movie you hate, +6
You take her to a movie you like, -2
It's called Death Cop 3, -3
Which features cyber having sex, -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans , -15

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly, -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it, +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts , -30
you say "I don't give a damn because you have one too", -800

The Big Question:

She asks, "Do I look fat?”, -5
you hesitate in responding, -10
you reply, "Where?", -35

Communication:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like
a concerned expression, 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes, +5
you listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV, +10
she realizes this is because you've fallen asleep, -20

Abstinence

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his
church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks
and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final
couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired
couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough
for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was
fine until she dropped the can of paint.
''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister. ''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man.
''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her
right there and then. Lust took over.'' The minister just shook his head and
said that they were not welcome in the church.
''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in Home Depot either.''

Microsoftie

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?

"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

Strict Sex Schedule

A young couple was married and they were having sex all the time during their
honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule
to their work schedule.

So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would
go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. This went on for
months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to
the doctor to get a flu shot.

The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these three
germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, "I'm going to hide between two toes on her left foot, I don't
think the antibiotics will find me there."

A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear, I don't think
they'll find me there."

The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out
tonight, I'm goanna be on it!"

Chick

waiter:what would u like to order miss?
Girl: hmmmm. . . . i'll like 2doughnuts, 2sussagerolls, 1meatpie, and some snacks.

Thanks jare

*shruggles*
i guess

*waving*
thank u honnie, thank u tessy.

Insult

You are a big boy, fat is an understatement.