₦airaland Forum

Dry gin to top it.

Aristole. If pant deh hungry u go buy now.

@i hope all of u ate well at my supposed reception coz. . . . . I dont want to hear nething about some left over rat poison o.

@nurse
. . .do u av a problem wit dat?

Resume Reality and stop the unnecessary bullshit


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I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out.

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

Airline Announcements


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Here are some humorous statements made by airline flight crews,

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane, "

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land, it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

Pilot - "Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National Procrastination day. If you get a chance this week, please try to celebrate it. If you can't get to it, then maybe try to do it at the weekend, but no big rush. Have a nice day."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched asthey leave the aircraft.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA, !"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry, Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"

Where?

Maybe, maybe not.

Its a hose not d koko.

Date

migines

*staring*

Wonders wey just deh start?

. . . .Until devil chase me comot because i too deh read bible.

Yeah honnie. I do things 4 d good of d family.

Ituen na tripple threat gangsta.

And d sacred spirits guarding ur digestive system.

U never hear say anusman and gunpoint deh invade kuvukiland dis nyte?
Me i deh kilimanjaro o.
I ran 4 dear @$$h0l£.

@ituen
"no idiot"
for the sake of today being 7th, and 7 is my fav num, i'll overlook dat coment. Talk am on 32 and i'll show u all about the art of capoeira.

Aiight darling.

Ituen don deh gada some kain courage wey go send am bak to kirikiri maximum.

Ituen get samsung 2250

I'm taking u both to ocean view. . . .We can take TT along, the guy don lean.

. . . Ur duplex in hell.

@clem
honnie, i'm gud. Hw waz d nyte?
@okoro.tv
i'll advice u to live dat mud house coz i already gave them ur house address.

. . . . They come wit a bottle of shepé

I dont like turkey, i prefare chicken.

"i miss road section" for topics dat shudnt even be on nairaland nairaland.
So just come to d jokes section and break my heart wit their ideas of gud laf.

Wilhelmina?

Vowels

Gud 4.Ya. Innit?

Are u surprised?

Yeah. Dat waz where he and his pop were caught banging like crazy. Shame chased him away.