₦airaland Forum

I can clearly see you're one of them...

They were all at different points in the gutter; each with his own oppressor. You expect me to run the risk of being asked to join them by going to take photos of everyone of them?

I even pretended to be pressing my phone just to take this photo.

koboko69:
This OP is a shameless liar!

Just out to redicle the Nigerian Army.

4 people told to go unclad a snd swim in the gutter cos they bashed their car is a lie from the pit of hell.

U posted a pic of only one guy in the gutter...yet u claim there were 4 guys.

So, yesterday on my way from the market, I ran into an exuberant crowd which was impending traffic.. However, unlike the signature frenzy that envelopes a crowd, reacting to an emergency or danger, This crowd was some
how calm and even cheerful and yet not happy.

So I decided to take a look to see what must have drawn such a huge crowd.
Only to get close to discover 4 individuals; all naked, swimming in the gutter and three macho men, all holding whips, dressed in military camouflage looking almost fierce and brave but for their disgraceful bullying attitude

So, I got close to someone and asked, what was the offense of these young men, "They were all in a car that mistakenly hit the car of the soldiers" She replied.

Words fail me to describe my feelings when I heard the cause of this public disgrace.
Why would you get someone naked simply because he "bashed" your car?
How is that even fair?
What saddens me the most is that yesterday's event is not a on-off thing.

It is public knowledge that some certain groups of people are above the law in our beloved country – soldiers are one of them.
An average Nigerian soldier is the plaintiff, the judge and the enforcer in his own case.
He is not afraid to batter anyone (except the person is rich of course) at the slightest provocation.

I don’t know what entails in other states but I have witnessed several instances in and around Lagos. In saner societies, a soldier is synonymous to discipline, service and selfless sacrifice.
That does not seem to be the case in my dear country. Here, it seems being a soldier means you are exempted from the laws that bind civilians. You can punish anyone anyhow provided you think they have done something wrong.

There have been several incidents of Soldiers going on rampage, taking laws in their hands, and most times for being in the wrong.
One does not have to possess divination powers to know that
the continued show of recklessness by some of our soldiers is simply a result of their getting away with it.

While our democratic
government continues to be lackadaisical about curbing the excesses of these soldiers
continues to baffle me. I hope it is not a result of our fear that they might take over the reins of government again.

While I would like to apologise to the soldiers who are quite responsible in their demeanour, I sincerely have no hopes that the powers that be would do any concrete thing in righting the wrong done to us by these bullies whose salary we pay.

Cc; Lalasticlala

.

Lalasticlala, i told you it was all a publicity stunt!

.

Endtime Family..

So there's this neighbour of mine whose son took this year's Jamb..

Boy has been complaining how Jamb gave him a fake result after studying day and night, so i decided to test his intelligence with a simple math problem since boy says he's very good in Mathematics and jamb scored him 36...

And boy just mudered the question!

Biko look at this, what do think i should say to him?

A girl sent me her Jamb registration number for me to check her result for her and after series of trial, i succeeded in
checking the result.

I sent her the breakdown of the sesult as follows;

Use of english 32

Commerce 39

Government 41

Economics 29

Aggregate 141

She immediately called back in a harsh tone and told me, which kind nonsense JAMB dey do self?

This no be my result nah. Why dem come put agric for me wen i no take am! then i asked, where agric dey dia nah? And she said you no see say
dem give me 141 for agric?

hahaha! I don explain to her tire but she refuse to accept.
Abeg wetin i go tell her to convince her?

’s not my fault if I don’t believe in jazz…
I mean for all we freshly raised kids, where would we get the opportunity to see all those kinds of things
Is it in the alleys, avenues and boulevards of Ikoyi where I was raised that someone would just stay and change to goat?

Those things only happen in all those poor poor areas and y’all know I’m too fresh to have grown up there, right? (I hear some of you saying, ” Uncle u can lie oh!!!”…shut up my friend, that’s what uncles are for)

I spent most of my holidays at Orile with my cousins and there was one “Baba” in the next compound, who they so strongly believed was the black cat we always saw on the kpan (by the way, only we Ikoyi kids will know that this means zinc) of the next compound constantly crying ‘meow meow’ at night.
My argument in this matter was simple:
Firstly,
If you really possessed the ability to change into an animal, please for heaven’s sake, why not change into a Lion or another wicked animal for that matter? Why must it always be snake, cat, goat or worse still, like we see in some movies, a full grown man will decide to change into a tortoise…(kai! Nollywood kwenu!)
Secondly, why the old baba will refuse to sleep and decide that he will use all night to be jumping from roof to roof shouting ‘meow meow’ beats me…
But I love this Country!

I had already resigned to the fact that I would only be a believer any day I experienced this whole jazz thing first hand… and VOOM! My prayers were answered!
I was fortunate to have served in Ogun state, Abeokuta (the state capital) to be precise.
And need I say it was the best year of my life?
Not necessarily because I was posted to a polytechnic where the HOD decided I would lecture some of the introductory computer courses to a class of 650 with over 400 of them being Ladies.
…Some of you are shouting,” HEI !!! ” Why must u always have a corrupt mind eh! Why?
Cant u just lecture and LECture and LECTUre (licks lips) until everyone has been fully LECTURED Can I get an amen somebody…..
This story though is not about my experience while lecturing there…don’t be disappointed, I’ll give you that gist another time.
It was sha tough… awon obinrin will be busy cutting eye and giving you this ‘do you want some of this’ look and sometimes they took it the extra mile by licking their lips.
Agbaya like me, who is supposed to be teaching Introductory computing, will find myself saying something like
“when u want to lick the mouse….sorry! Ermm click the mouse”
The yeye girl will now give a knowing smile like “Ehen! I don catch am!”
At a point if I come class na only one place I dey face before I talk another rubbish and undermine my reputation…

As would be the case, without the intervention of ASUU or ASUP, after months of lecturing the school finally closed for the semester. Students went home and the town became very boring…
Most of my other colleagues worked in secondary schools as moral instruction teachers…. I kid you not…moral instruction oh!… That’s what they gave to one of my very immoral guy at the primary school he was finally able to get as PPA, even with all his afro and freshness.
So, out of boredom, I decided to travel and visit some other parts of the state. I definitely wasn’t going back to Lagos.
After pinging my available friends I went to the park and boarded a bus.
IJEBU-ODE HERE I COME……
Contrary to what you might have heard,
it is a very lovely town
The second Largest after the state capital. I, who was thinking of how deep a village it was going to be, was actually surprised at what I saw when I alighted from the bus at the park. A mini city far from all the underdevelopment associated with villages:
Good roads, street lights in some areas, well built houses… I was like; wow!!! Until I looked at the address I had been sent and realized I had not yet arrived at my destination.
The ping I got stated that I should flag down a bike and it should take me to a place, where I should get another bike to take me to another place, then enter canoe to another place after which I will then take a scooter to another place…gotcha, right? LOOOOL
na me, stephen, dem go send address wey contain enter water I go come carry my big head dey go…
hian!

Anyway…
I took the first bike, and as we progressed inwards, the entire city landscape was swallowed slowly by trees and shrubbery giving birth to a more ‘village like’ ambiance.
I for say! No be NYSC again?....


Continue reading
www.emkaul..com.ng/2016/02/the-jazz-1-story-by-uncle-stephen.html

GHEN GHEN

“Baby Boy, I am Pregnant”. The SMS was succinct, surreal and well timed to without doubt, deliver the shock the sender wanted me to have.
After three straight days of drinking Garri in school, my parents finally decided to send me something instead of their customary “Manage eh! Nna” which I always got whenever I requested for money. On receiving the Alert I proceeded to MAMA G restaurant to chop Life.

Rice 100, beans 30, spaghetti 30, 2 moi-moi, salad, three meat and one mortuary standard orobo Coke. Their daddies. I didn’t care about the exact mixture. My village people had made sure hunger played with my feelings for the last week, and all I wanted to do was shame them by eating to my fill no matter the cost and letting out that satisfying belch, which prevails, when cold coke passes through your throat and makes your stomach its final resting place.

The Funny thing is that the SMS didn’t come when I was about to order the food. It didn’t come when I was about to pay either. It didn’t come when I was eating the food. Rather it came, when I was about to eat the meat after finishing the food (as all properly brought up Nigerians should do…LOL). I read the SMS over and over again. Turned my phone over to be sure it was mine. (just in case one of this my village people that will be having sex up and down, don come change my phone) . Alas it was mine. My Nokia Xpress music became heavier the more I held and looked into the phone. I took a sip of the “ex-cold” coke to try and calm myself down and it tasted like the Devil’s Pee (or what I assume the devil’s pee would taste like)

The more i digested the contents of the SMS; the more vivid the memory of the exact day it must have happened came to my mind. Such was the kind of life I lived. my own was always different.What other people did effortlessly, I did and had problems. My friends would be like “Steve, go and take orange from that tree. we have been taking from it for the last two years without anyone seeing us and no problems”. The day I’ll decide to go there and take orange will be the day Police, army, navy, OPC and even issakaba will hold their once in twenty years Convention near the same orange tree and catch me.
And now it has happened again. I remembered the words of ONOS my friend. “Na help wen dem tell water make e help boil meat Na him e take turn to soup”

Everything that happened from the moment I received that SMS just kept pointing towards the raising of children.
As I was leaving Mama G’s restaurant, I bumped into one of my guys who for some inexplicable reason decided to start hailing me from far with “dadieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”. My own has finished I said to myself. So everyone knows. Why me oh Lord. To make it worse after shaking me he was like “see guy eh. You be father aswear…… azzin Father Father”. Wazzaldis. This can’t be coincidental. I was disconcerted until it became clear that all the adoration, glorification and exaltation, was for something different as he revealed by saying “that your show yesterday eh killed it my brother. You be murderer I swear. I dey always tell people for this school say once your hand dey any show or party na die.” Whew! At least no be say him know . He finally parted with the words “daddieeeeeee you’re good abeg and I sure say your babies dem for this school go just dey multiply dey mutltiply ah! Oshey baddest”. In my mind I was like



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Got home that day, to the news that my caretaker’s wife had put to bed a bouncing baby boy. Onyeoma our caretaker was good to us and the guys had decided to contribute money to buy pampers and some baby food. Guess who dey delegated to go to the market and get it? Who else if not the daddieeeeee, the father father, me. Hot tears were streaming down the insides of my soul. Na when I reach the store I realize say this entire baby something no be childs. How much for cerelac and I heard N4,000. Wait what? Baby food??, Blood of dasuki. To make things worse, the attendant was trying to explain to me that some babies go through 3 tins in a week. N12,000 in a week N48000 approximately in a month. This is without factoring in Money for pampers, baby cloth and I don’t even know what else babies use o. It didn’t have to be a new day for it to dawn on me that I had screwed and I was screwed.once more, I remembered the words of ONOS my friend “pikin wen say e wan use agbada start guy, e go talk Wetin e go dey wear for old age ”


Wetin go kill you most times dey usually sweet my brother. Becky was from another planet I tell you. We were Adventurous and young the perfect recipe for disaster. Becky loved me, but inexplicably was not really ready for the commitment of a relationship. You know when you and someone are doing everything that people who date do but without the title. We had always used protection but on this particular night, we threw caution to the wind. Friends and alcohol are sometimes all you need. “see eh! Nothing like skin to skin my brother. E get as e dey sweet. E get as e go dey touch you for the back of your head” I remembered ONOS my Warri friend say while touching the sweet spot at the back of his head,for emphasis.
With alcohol in our system, there was nothing to rein us in. what about STD ? a voice said to me. But that Tom and Jerry devil with fork appeared on my shoulder and told me “all die na die my brother. Something must kill a man”. which I reinforced with another ONOS quote which says “whether nyash face east or west na still back e go dey “

Becky was from another planet. I know I’ve said it before but add the alcohol and the ice cream she had poured and licked off my entire body, nwanne I too had joined her in being from krypton. She just wanted to be bad....

Continue reading www.emkaul..com.ng/2016/02/baby-short-story-by-uncle-stephen.html

When I first saw Aunty Valentine, it was at our local church. Her coffee coloured skin and pink gloss smudged lip curled into a song “Jehovah bu eze” during mass, her breasts pushing against the folds of her chiffon top and I had told my Brother Bobo, that Aunty Valentine reminded me of fancy things. Like candies, Barbie
dolls, and the shapely biscuits in green wrappings the northern women at Hospital Lane with infants strapped to their backs sold.

He had disputed with this notion, shaking his head and snapping his fingers before he said she reminded him of the
wicked step Mother in the literature text we were reading
in school, because her breasts were too big and because they looked as if they needed someone to squeeze them.

We had not known then, that three Sunday’s later Aunty
Valentine would move into our yard, her butterfly sewing
machine behind her. Into the block of single room apartments on 19B, Odinaka Street that looked like the pictures of houses from comic books , that she would become neighbours with us and that Mother would say, “Obia ru ofu She’s new in town” when we asked who she was.

We had not known that she would come to our house on weeknights to watch the new telenovela THE PAIN OF LOVE
with Mother because she did not own a satellite TV. And that
she would argue about who loved who, who didn’t and who deserved to die with Mother as if it was somehow required of her to start a conversation with Mother because she let her watch our TV.

It was because of her we started to watch the telenovela series, because we wanted to be able to start conversations with her, to talk about love and who deserved it as she did, to frame love into the beautiful portrait that it was imposed on one rather than chosen.

We memorised the names of the characters. We knew Juan Carlos was the affluent man from the city who wore his hair slim cornrows and Maria Isabel was the effortlessly attractive daughter of his indigent House help Madam Ana Maria who did not approve of his reckless ways. We knew too that Juan Carlos after confessing his love for Maria Isabel who
turned him down had slept with Yolanda, his Mother’s choice wife who birthed a son for him.

The episode had aired a few weeks to Christmas and it angered Aunty Valentine. She had whined about how slack men could be with their... www.emkaul..co.ke/2016/02/valentine-short-story-by-caleb_22.html?m=1

6.Odion Ighalo

Odion Jude Ighalo is a
Nigerian professional
footballer who plays for English club Watford and the
Nigeria national team as a striker. After starting his career at Prime and Julius Berger before he moved to Norway’s Lyn in 2007.

Cc; Lalasticlala

Victor Agali
Victor Okechukwu Agali is a Nigerian footballer who last played for Jiangsu Saint

4.Emmanuel Amunike

Emmanuel Amunike is a retired Nigerian footballer who played as a left winger, and a current coach. His professional career was blighted by injury. He represented Nigeria at the 1994 World Cup.

3.Taribo West

Taribo West is a former Nigerian professional footballer who played as a defender. West represented the Nigerian national team in the 1998 and 2002 FIFA World
Cups

2.Oritsefemi

Oritsefemi Majemite Ekele, popularly known by his first name Oritsefemi, is a Nigerian singer-songwriter and performer. He is best known for his remake of Fela Kuti’s
“Double Wahala” song

1.Daddy Showkey

Daddy Showkey is a veteran Nigerian gala singer. He was popular in Ajegunle in the late 1990s. He was born as John Asiemo but known as Daddy Showkey all over the Ghetto.

Ajegunle’s uniqueness lies in
the fact that it is a
concentration of all the many ethnic groups in Nigeria.
It is boordered on the west by Apapa Wharf and Tincan, two of Nigeria’s biggest sea ports from where over 70 percent of imported goods come into the country.
In the past few years, it has produced notable footballers and musicians. In
respect to this we have put together 6 prominent people who grew up in Ajegunle.

If you’ve been under the rock lately, let me be the one to remind you that February 14 is almost here.

I can feel the hisses and eyeballs rolling already BUT, before you click away (don’t you dare).
Let’s find out which
one of these people you are on the day of love.
Let’s get to it!

1.THE PREDATOR

These are the ‘badoos'. They have achieved legendary
status such that you must have heard their gist before.
To them, February 14 is strictly collection day.
For the ladies, they want it all – designer clothes, bags, shoes and please get the plane tickets ready for that Dubai trip.
For the guys, only one thing is needed – you know what it is *T.I voice*.

2.THE VAL’S DAY SWEETHEART

Baby girl loves everything cliché about vals day.
From the fake red flowers to the heart shaped chocolates and the fluffy white teddy bears with the red “I love you” cushions in the middle.
She wants it all, and bae better keep them coming. She’s most likely the “mushiest”,
hopeless romantic you’ve ever met.

3.THE ‘TOO-COOL-FOR-SCHOOL’ SET

“I’m not going out. I hate fake flowers, and for the love of the Father, please don’t come near me with those cheap chocolates.”
These are the words of the girl who would rather go out with her man on the 13th(today) just to prove to us how much she doesn’t care about 14th – Vals day.
Guys also fall into this category though.
They’ll prefer to send you flowers “Just because it’s Tuesday” but will bail on Vals day obligations.

4.THE CYNIC

Our friend has had one too many heartbreaks and is tired of expecting so much from the boo and getting her expectations crushed.
At this point, she’s given up and is on the “no f*cks given” area of the “Care Meter”.

5.AUNTY JANET

Yeaahhh… little Miss I-have-an-opinion about everything. She’s most likely single and has something to say bou how everyone should be celebrating lover’s
day.
She points fingers and cringes at her friend’s gifts and lack thereof.
She needs to get a life.

6.THE VETERANS

These are the couples that are tired of vals day but would just celebrate it for the sake of it.
The man knows he has to order cake and flowers ahead of time, just to keep the peace. The girl knows she has to wear red to church and be all dolled up.
The gifts are usually the same as last year, but they may have a little variety.

7. Feel free to add yours...

Cc Lalasticlala

This Op can lie for Africa.. He just made a fake story! Izeeqparker or what ever he says the moniker was is Op's second NL acct. Last seen was on January 23. The same acct has the same twitter handle as Op's! Op ehn! This you fabricated lie lie story really sell.. We're waiting 4 season 2

ikombe:
he is thanking the person that payed in the money

and wants us to help him thank d person

This Op can lie for Africa.. He just made a fake story! Izeeqparker or what ever he says the moniker was is Op's second NL acct. Last seen was on January 23. The same acct has the same twitter handle as Op's! Op ehn! This you fabricated lie lie story really sell.. We're waiting 4 season 2

-One of the hardest tasks in this 21st century is for the youth to spend 30 minutes without touching their phnes!

-Almost everyone is now a phone addict.
It's the last thing you touch before you sleep at night. It's the first thing you touch
when you wake up at dawn.

-Some even put on earpiece overnight.
Some still wake up at night to download films, but they can't
wake up for prayers.

-Some are always online chatting. As early as 6am they are
online, and they remain online till midnight. They have thousands of online
friends with whom they chat, but they dnt relate with their families at hme. They isolate themselves in their rooms.

-Some argue till middnightt about unnecessary issues in their various online groups, yet they have a lot of things they need from God. We go to bed late, and have no time for God. We sleep and snore!

-Immediately after prayers, you see people pressing their phones again, no time to share the grace! As if all our past and fuure sins have already been
forgiven!

-When accidents happen, instead of saving lives, you see people taking pictures of the victims with their phones. When a house is on fire, instead of quenching it, you see people taking pictures so as to be the first to upload it on Nairaland.

-When a person loses a loved one , instead of thinking about the funeral issues, the first thing the person does is to upload the
news on social network. Perhaps for comments!

-We are so addicted to phones! We even chat when we are on motorcycles.

-Some still chat in the exam halls.

-Some play games with their phones when they come to God.

-Along the road, some keep pressing their phones, until perhaps they narrowly dodge an accident, or until a banana peel slips them.

-Even when we have guests, we still concentrate on our phones than our guest.

-Some ignore their spouses because they are chatting with "mere friends" on Facebook, Nairaland or Whatsapp!

-Many are those whose phones have made them "hypocrites" and "liars".

-Many are those whose phones are leading them to hellfire!

-Because of your phone, you are the last person to come to God, and you are always the first person to leave!

-God said, 'Closer and closer to mankind comes their judgement, yet they don't take heed, and
they turn away'.

Mods, please push this to the right section..

Good day y'all


Have y'all heard of the latest discovery?


A new snake has been discovered by some American scientist and it's the most poisonous snake ever!


This snake gets one inch longer each time it eats anything thing.


The only way this snake can die is if it bites itself! else nothing can kill it!


Well Goodnews is that this snake can not be seen around and is very rare.


It can be found in NOKIA 101 mobile
phone and some other Nokia phones!

The National Chairman of All Progressive Congress, APC, Chief John Oyegun, called for the investigation of Supreme Court judges after his party lost the Rivers State governorship seat to
the opposition People’s Democratic Party, PDP. Now senator Ben Murray-Bruce has
taken a swipe at the APC hieftain with a message he posted on his Facebook page.
See below;


Dr. Goodluck Jonathan lost elections and was man enough not to even challenge it in court. You lose and you want EFCC to investigate Supreme Court Justices! Who is CLUELESS between a man who did not love power at the expense of his nation and you who wants to destroy our judiciary to satisfy your lust for free oil money?

http://www.nationalhelm.com/2016/02/who-is-now-clueless-senator-murray.html?m=1

The Chairman of the Senate Committee on FCT, Senator Dino Melaye, raised an alarm on Thursday at the upper house of the National Assembly in Abuja,
Nigeria’s capital.

He said that the beauty of the city centre had been tampered with by greedy officials from
supervisory agencies saddled with the responsibility of
maintaining the master plan of the nation’s capital.

The Senate committee then
directed that contractors putting up buildings on green areas in the FCT would have to put their projects on hold until their approval documents are reviewed.

The directive came subsequent to the Senate committee’s visit to some ongoing building projects in Maitama district in Abuja.

http://www.channelstv.com/2016/02/04/senate-displeased-with-illegal-buildings-in-fct/