₦airaland Forum

I went out, when I got back home I saw one woman like that sitting in the living room, when I asked my mum who she was she said "oh she's your dad's uncle's sister-in- law's friend's auntie's brother-in-law's wife's sister's brother-in-law's uncle's friends father's cousin's daughter" Mummy but why is the title as long as river Niger.

Whites: he was such a good fellow, I'm
gonna miss him

Nigerians: the rice no even sweet sef

This is what boredom can do Me: hello police as we speak 20 people are following me Police : okay where are you Me: on twitter

It's only in Nigeria you'll see a girl borrow her friend's clothes to visit her boyfriend who borrowed his friend's house

A poor man goes to the native doctor for help Native doctor: there is a woman that is the cause of your poverty Poor man: who is she baba Native doctor: unknown her name is unknown Poor man: for doing this to me let her first son die Native doctor : it is done Few weeks later Poor man: baba I have been sick for some time Native doctor: yes it is the same woman that caused your poverty that is causing this illness and the gods have finally revealed her to me Poor man : baba please who is she Native doctor: her name is chioma Poor man : what! That's my mother's name Native doctor: okay so who is her first son Poor man : na me O baba reverse the charm please I don't want to loose my life Native doctor: sorry my son but it has been done there's nothing I can do. But I have a request for you tell who so ever is making your burial rice not to add too much salt o

Witch craft is when you ask your neighbor's daughter for salt and she says my mum has counted it.

Four people went for robbery in a bank a guy, a girl, and two men 1st man: thank God for this successful operation (he enters the car and drives everyone. Now the second man which was alot older than the rest was watching the News the News caster was talking about the bank that was robbed and stated it was 10 million that was stolen instead of 8 the old man was furious and went to the police station ) Old man: police wetin una talk for news no be correct thing Police: how you know Old man: because na me and my friends wa steal the money Policesurprised) okay oga please take us to your friends so that we can apologize Old man: na now U dey talk ( The old man takes them to where his friends live ) Old man: my people my people I'm here with the police men so that they can apologize for the wrong information 1st man: you foolish man why did U do this to us Old man: no dey fear the police men are my friends Girl: this stupid man don put sand sand for my garri O Old man : police don't mind them. These are the people that joined me to steal the money Boy: na lie O no believe am police Old man : na lie I talk ok ( goes inside and brings out the bag full of the money) Shey na lie I be they talk police officer U fit count am sef E complete 8 million naira Police: thank you sir for this help boys check the bag if the money is complete as for you guys you are under arrest for stealing the sum of 8 million naira ( he hand cuffs the people and takes them to the police station)

(A robbery attack happened in a woman's neighbour's house. The woman called the police and the following conversation takes place) Woman: police there is a robbery taking place as we speak Police: ok madam where do you live Woman: oh! My house... It's close to my neighbours House Police: okay so where is your neighbour's house Woman: it's close to the junction Police: fine, where is the junction Woman: you won't believe it if i tell you Police: why? Woman : it's in front of my house

Officer: what is your name?
Monday: M.P. sir
Officer: in full please
Monday: Monday Paul
Officer: your father's name?
Monday:M.P. sir
Officer: what does that mean?
Monday: Matthias Paul
Officer: your native place?
Monday:M.P. sir
Officer: what's that?
Monday: mkpuma province
Officer: so why do you need a job?
Monday: M.P. sir
Officer: meaning?
Monday: money problems
Officer: would you explain your self and stop
wasting my time? What's your personality
like?
Monday: M.P. sir
Officer: and what is that?
Monday: marvelous personality
Officer: I see... I will get back to you
Monday: sir, how was my M.P sir?
Officer: and what is that again?
Monday: my performance
Officer: I think you have M.P.
Monday: meaning?
Officer: mental problem!!!! Now leave my
office

Segun got to school late on Monday morning; Teacher: Why are you late today? Segun: a man lost his one thousand naira note at the bus stop. Teacher: that’s nice of you. I presume you were helping him to look for the money. Segun: no! Am I that stupid? I was standing on it since morning.

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the classroom. Teacher: Why are you arguing? Steve: we found a thousand Naira note and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie. Teacher: You should be ashamed of yourselves, when I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was. The boys gave the one thousand Naira to the teacher.

Teacher: (tapping a cane on his palm as he stammers) you, s..spell, baa..na..na..na..naaa..na…na!
Tina: B.A…N.A…N.A…N.A… (Burst into tears) sir, I can spell it, but I don’t know where exactly to stop.

An illiterate father was called upon to the school due to the poor performance of his son.
Father: my ‘pikin’ say you drive am ‘commot’ for school? (Meaning; my son said he was sent away from school?)
Teacher: yes sir. I asked him to spell lion and he couldn’t.
Father: ah! That one big ‘na’. You know say ‘na’ small ‘pikin’, you for tell am make ‘im’ for spell small-small animals like mosquito. (Meaning; that’s a big animal. You know he is a kid, you should have asked him to spell smaller animals like mosquitoes instead.)

Teacher:"Wisdom, why are you late for school today?"
Wisdom: "I obeyed a road sign!"
Teacher: "what road sign?"
Wisdom:" move slowly, school ahead!"

Joy: "sir, can I be punished for something I didn’t do?"
Teacher: "no!"
Joy: "well, I didn't do my assignment!"

Teacher: "Ali, how can you prove that the earth is spherical?*
Ali: "I can’t. Besides, I never said I could."

Teacher: "Ali, how can you prove that the earth is spherical?*
Ali: "I can’t. Besides, I never said I could."

In a physics class

Teacher: class, I do hope you all come up with your own discoveries?
Class: yes!
Teacher: Tom, can we get to hear yours?
Tom: okay. Last night, I got to find out that approximately 152 trillion, 45 billion, 193 million, 546 thousand members of the milky galaxy of a countless multitude of stars were studied. About 274 million were created, and almost 13 million, 443 thousand were destroyed, if not more.
Teacher: wow! How did you come about that?
Tom: I used an improvised telescopic instrument of deception to convey this sophisticated untrue factual claim!

Teacher: "I killed a person. Tell me, is this sentence in future tense?"
Wisdom: "no!"
Teacher: "OK, now put it in the future tense. "
Wisdom: "In future tense, you will go to jail."

Teacher: "Name two days of the week that start with “t” ".
Pupil: "Today and Tomorrow."

Teacher: "Fred, I am glad to see your handwriting improving."
Fred: "thank you, ma!"
Teacher: "Now I can see how bad your spelling is though!"

Ann failed in a class work and was about to be caned by the teacher.
Ann: "please ma, I don’t want to die, the cane will kill me!"
Teacher: "(smiles) the cane will not kill you, it will teach you to be more dedicated to your books."
Ann: "But mum said that it was cane that actually killed Abel!"

James: "I wish to know what my grade in geography is."
Teacher: "you drowned!"
James: "Drown? "
Teacher: "Your grade went below the “c” level."
Students:".............. "

Teacher: I told you to stay at the end of the line and you disobeyed me!
Wisdom: (tearfully) "I tried, but someone else is already there!"

Teacher: "Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. What is a noun?"
Class: At once!
Teacher:"........ "

The teacher gave out assignments to the students on the environment. Stating to write the effects of oil pollution.
A student wrote:........
“When my mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the fishes inside were dead.”

Teacher: Tina, what is the sum of 2 and 2?
Tina: four!
Teacher: okay. Jackson, what is the product of 2 by 2?
Jackson: four!
Teacher: okay. Tim, what is the sum of 4 and 4?
Tim: Eight!
Teacher: okay. Wisdom, what is the product of 4 by 4?
Wisdom: Eight!

A Professor started his class on a very serious topic. The moment he turned towards the blackboard, one of the students whistled.
He turned, looked at the class and asked the Whistler's name. No one answered. The Professor peacefully kept the pen in his pocket saying: "Lecture ends here. I'll tell you a story to utilise the remaining time". Everyone became interested.
"Yesterday night I tried hard to sleep, but it was miles away from my eyes, so I thought I'd better get petrol in my car, which will save my time next morning and might induce sleep.
After having my tank full, I started roaming in that area, enjoying the peace of a traffic free ride.
Suddenly, on the corner I saw a girl who was as young and beautiful as the clothes she was wearing. Must have been returning from a party.
Out of courtesy, I turned my car towards her and asked if I may be of any help. She asked me if I could drop her to her home, she'll be very obliged, to which I agreed. She sat in the front seat with me. We started talking, and to my amazement she was very intelligent, had control on many topics which many youngsters don't.
When we reached her address, she admitted my courteous nature and behavior and accepted that she had fallen in love with me.
I also admitted her intelligence and beauty and that I've also started liking her. I told her about my job as a professor in the university.
The girl asked my number, which I gave her willingly. Then she asked me a favor, to which i couldn't have denied naturally.
She said that her brother is a student in the same university, and asked me to take care of him, since we'll be in a long relationship now.
I asked the name of the student. She said that I'll recognise him with one of his very prominent quality, He whistles a lot!
All eyes in the classroom turned towards the boy who had whistled.
The professor said: "I didn't buy my PhD in Psychology, I earned it. Oya! Come out" ***

A husband takes his wife to a night party.
There’s a guy on the dance floor dancing happily – breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips. The wife turns to her husband and says,
“See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
Husband says, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!!”
Wife:"............. "

Some across the Nigerian border
A boy crosses on a bicycle, a customs officer stops, and inspects him.
Customs officer: "What do you have?"
Boy: "Just rice, officer."
After thorough inspection, the officer finds nothing but rice and releases the boy. The same situation emerges the next day!
Customs officer: "What do you have?"
Boy: "Just rice, officer."
The thorough inspection again shows that the boy carries nothing but rice.
The situation repeats on the next day, and continues for a while.
Customs officer: "Just tell me, what are you smuggling? I will not tell anybody!"
Boy: "Bicycles, officer." ***

You!!! ........ Yes you!
Alright since I got your attention, translate these to English for me.....
1. How many years I carry senior you?
2. Precious for our compound way sabi woka woka don carry belle?

10000BC
Imagine that awkward silence when Abraham and Isaac were walking home after He had tried to sacrifice him... --------------------------- Abraham: "I love you son."
Isaac: "lemme joor.. Ritualist."