₦airaland Forum

A naija man found himself lost and wandering in a forest. After a few hours trying to find his way, he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an old Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the naija man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, stunningly beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the naija man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones were better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read; [flash=200,200][/flash]

"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

[color=#000099][/colorLittle Diepriye came into the kitchen where his mother
was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a
good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Priye was
a bit of a troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Priye's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Priye, of course, thought he did.

Priye's mother wanted Priye to reflect on his behavior
over the last year.
"Go to your room, Priye, and think about how you have
behaved this year.

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you
deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Priye stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like
a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Priye

Priye knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a
very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Priye. I have been a good boy this
year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend Priye

Priye knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore
up the letter and started again.

Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would
really like a bike for my birthday.
Priye

Priye knew he could not send this letter to God
either. So, Priye wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very
sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.
Please!
Thank you,
Priye

Priye knew, even if it was true, this letter was not
going to get him a bike.

Now, Priye was very upset. He went downstairs and told
his mom that he wanted to go to church. Priye's mother thought her
plan had worked, as Priye looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," Priye's mother told
him.


Priye walked down the street to the church on the
corner. Little Priye went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Priye bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Priye began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER
AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!!!!!

The hit man.

Diepriye

[color=#550000][/colorThere was this very rich Ibo man in Nnewi who had only one daughter.

When the daughter was of marriage age, the father sent news around town that all the eligible young men should come out on a particular day to compete in a test which would determine who was fit to marry his daughter.

On that set day, all the able-bodied young men came out. Some came with paper and biro and others with cutlasses and swords.

The rich man took them to his swimming pool and addressed the men: "any of you who can swim from one end of this swimming pool to the other would marry my daughter. In addition, I�ll give him 15 million naira, a car and a house so they can start of life well. I shall be waiting to meet my son-in-law at the other side. Good luck!"

As the young men, all very excited at the prospect of winning, started taking off their shirts, a helicopter came over the pool and dropped snakes and crocodiles into the pool.

Immediately all the men turned back and started wearing their shirts again. Dissapointed, some of them said make de man go marry im pikin jo!.

All of a sudden, they heard a splash in the pool. Everybody watched in amazement as one gentleman struggled his way across, avoiding the snakes and crocodiles. Finally, he made it to the other side as the would-be in-law, panting.

The rich man, could not believe it. He asked the man to name anything he wanted.

The man was still panting uncontrollably. Finally, he got himself together and made his request saying, show me the pesin wey push me inside di swimming pool

my name is PAUL PORT-HARCOURT, WELL NOW THAT THE CITY IS A BIT CALM NEED NEW FRIENDS TO HANG OUT WITH U CAN HALL ME ON 08062568988

my name is paul and i would love to have good female pals /txtmates so that can learn from them and they can learn from me cos no man can be an island on his own.this is my number 08062568988.expecting to hear from u guys.

the best time to register is between the hours of 10pm and 7am any other time than that and its a watse of ur money.

this is to inform u guys that the university of port harcourt has released results of its basic aptitude test exams this is not an admission list but a result list the admission list will be published soon wish  u guys sucess- for futher enquires call me paul- 08062568988

print out ur admnission slip
* Get all your complete and printed documents including Online Fee Receipt, MedicalCard, Security Vetting Form (duly signed by a High Court Judge and the University Chief Security Officer) etc, ready for Registration
* Fill the Personal Data Form for New Students
* Fill all the Registration Forms online and print Carryout Medical Examination and Registration at the UNIPORT MEDICAL CENTRE
* Fill the Acceptance Form
* Pay your Fees and Print Fees Reciept Online
* Login to fill the Clearance Eligibility Form, if cleared, proceed to pay your fees
* Print Out this Admission SlipClearance/Registration Information
Venue for Registration exercise is the CONVOCATION ARENA, UNIPARK, ABUJA

PROCEDURE FOR 2008 / 2009 NEW STUDENTS ONLINE

                          REGISTRATION USING UNIVERSITY SOLUTION

STEP 1



Ø    Candidate  should visit any cyber café , and access the Uniport website  www.uniport.edu.ng and

Ø    Click on University Solution, The screen below appears , click on Login

     

Ø   A screen appears,  click on  “Click here to sign up”



Ø   A screen appears, Enter your Reg.No, your  Email address (Note: Email address must be Unique to you)

Ø   Under User Group, click on  Student

Ø   Click on the Submit button.



Ø   A Sign -On form appears with the candidate’s Login details, copy the Username which is the Reg.No, and the password.

Ø   Note: Candidates are advised to change their password from time to time for security reasons using the password management menu option.

Ø   Click on Home button, then

Ø   Enter the Username and the Password as it appears on the Sign On form.

Ø   Click on Sign In. The screen below appears.

Click on the + sign to open each of the menu



Ø    Candidates should click on Provisional Admission slip to print it out.

Ø    Complete the Clearance Eligibility Form online and print out a copy. Click on Eligibility clearance status to check if “Cleared” or” Not”. If “Cleared”, proceed to Online Payments.

STEP  2:     SCHOOL FEES PAYMENT

Ø   Click on “ Pay School Fees”,  Follow the instructions below

Ø   Ensure that you are the right person by confirming your Name, Reg. No., Faculty/College and Dept.

Ø   Select the academic session i.e. 2008 / 2009 and click view to see your fees schedule.

Ø   Compulsory amount is the fee you must pay.

Ø   Optional fee is the part of the fees that is not compulsory for payment. E.g. Accommodation, hence, Uncheck the optional checkbox or check to add optional fees. Confirm that you have been allocated hostel before you make this payment.

Ø   Commission is the cost of this transaction as approved by the University (portal charge)

Ø   Total Due. Is the final payment amount that will be drawn from your cash card.

Ø   Check confirm box and click cash card icon to effect payment.

Ø   You must click view/print/verify online payment after you made the payment to confirm/print/view receipt.

Note: Payment can be done with either InterSwitch ATM Cards or walk in to any of the banks approved by Uniport pay cash and collect receipt from the bank.

Candidates with InterSwitch ATM cards will see an InterSwitch payment screen that appears below

Note: If you encounter this error message “Your transaction was not successful”, please try again, it may be as a result of network failure.

Candidates who do not have these cards should go to any of the University approved listed below to make payments:-

1.      U.B.A   Choba Park .

2.      U.B.A University Park.

3.      Intercontinental Uniport.

4.      Sterling Bank  U.P.T.H.

5.      U&C Micro Finance Bank, Choba.

6.      First Bank, Opposite Choba Park .

7.      Fin Bank, Opposite Choba Park

8.      Eco Bank, Choba Park .

9.      First Bank,  Mile 3   (CCE)

10.  U & C  Micro Finance Bank Mile 3 (CCE)

STEP 3

Fill all the Registration Forms online and print out

Ø   Provisional Admission Slip

Ø   Clearance Eligibility Form

Ø   Acceptance Form

Ø   Student Personal Data Form ( Upload passport photograph before printing)

Ø   Guarantor’s Form

Ø   Security Vetting



Ø   Student Undertaking Form

Ø   Matriculation  Register Form

STEP  4:        Medical  Examination

Ø   Carry out Medical Examination and registration at the Uniport Medical Centre

Ø   Venue:        University of Port Harcourt Health services Department, Uniport.

STEP  5 :

Physical Clearance by Staff of the Admission Office

Venue: Convocation Arena, University Park ( Abuja Campus)

Candidates are required to present the following documents for clearance:

1.      Online Payment Receipt

2.      2008 JAMB Result Slip [for UME candidates only]

3.      Uniport Post UME Screening Result Slip [for UME candidates only]

4.      Provisional Admission Slip [Proof of Admission]

5.      Copy  of completed Clearance Eligibility Form

6.      Online Provisional  Clearance Certificate

7.      Original O’level Certificates/ Statement of Results and their photocopies.

8.      Twelve (12) coloured identical passport photographs.

9.      Completed Acceptance Form

STEP  6 :

Registration by the College Secretary / Faculty Officers

Venue:       Convocation Arena, University Park ( Abuja Campus)

Candidates are required to present the documents listed above, [1 - 9] as well as the underlisted documents for College / Faculty Registration

10.  Evidence of clearance [i.e. Name and signature] by the Admissions Office staff on the payment receipt and Clearance Eligibility Form.

11.  Uniport Health Services Department (Medical ) Registration Card

12.  Guarantor Form

13.  Security Vetting Form

14.  Birth Certificate / Statutory  Declaration of Age

15.  Reference Letters [from Two Referees]

16.  Course Registration  Form

17.  Matriculation Register Form (MRF)

The College Secretary / Faculty Officer after checking the above documents, then issues files [4] to the candidates and receives three files in which the documents have been arranged.
CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW TO TAKE U DIRECT TO THE SITE

http://www.uniportcollegesolution.com/collegesolution/index.htm

FOR MORE INFOR CALL ME ON 08062568988-PAUL

THIS IS TO INFORM ALL THAT CERTIFICATE REGISTRATION IS GOING ON IN THE SCHOOL AND IS LIKELY TO END EITHER NEXT WEEK OR IN TWO WEEKS TIME. THE COURSES OFFERED IN THE PROGRAMMES ARE UNDER TWO FACULTIES WHICH ARE FACULTY OF HUMANITIES AND FACULTY OF EDUCATION. IN HUMANITIES WE HAVE THEATRE ARTS,LINGUISTICS AND COMMUNICATION STUDIES,HISTORY AND DIPLOMATIC STUDIES,FRENCH AND FORIEGN LANGUAGES AND RELIGIOUS AND CULTURAL STUDIES, WHILE UNDER THE FACULTY OF EDUCATION WE HAVE, EDUCATIONAL MANAGEMENT-WITH OPTIONS IN ACCOUNTING,ECONOMICS,GEOGRAPHY,ADULT AND NON-FORMAL EDUCATION,EDUCATION FOUNDATION,EDUCATION PSYCHOLOGY,GUIDANCE AND COUNSELLING,CURRICULUM STUDIES WITH OPTION IN SCIENCESUBJECTS.PLEASE IT DOES NOT REQUIRE JAMB FOR REGISTRATION,JUST COME TO THE SCHOOL PAY THE FEES FOR THE FORM IN THE BANK IN SCHOOL THEN GO THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE LOCATED IN DELTA PARK AND COLLECT YOUR FORM FILL IT THEN PHOTOCOPY IT ALONG WITH UR O'LEVEL AND OTHER RELEVANT DOCUMENTS AND COME WITH 8 PASSPORT PHOTOGRAPHS. WHEN U SUBMIT THE FORM U WILL THEN PREPARE FOR AN APTITUDE TEST DEPENDING ON YOUR DEPARTMENT.FOR MORE CLARIFICATION U CAN CALL ME ON THIS NUMBER 08062568988-PAUL[color=#000099][/color]

well today is the last day of payment for the forma and aptitude test so i hope u guys have all paid up and make sure u print out ur credentials and photocopy them cos tomorow the site closes.for CCE STUDENTS UR NAMES WILL SOON BE OUT JUST EXERCISE A LITTLE PATIENCE, AND NEW STUDENTS SHOULD REPORT TO SCHOOL AS SOOON AS POSSIBLE TO START THIER REGISTRATION. CHECK OUR WEB SITE AT www.uniport.edu.ngfor more details or call me -paul 08062568988.chao

PAUL EKUERRE
DEPT:GEOGRAPHY AND ENVIRONMENTAL MANAGEMENT
YEAR OF GRADUATION-2008

WELL IT WAS FUN THROUGH OUT MY STAY IN SCHOOL, THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF CHANGES IN THE SCHOOL THE ACADEMIC STATNDARSD HAS IMPROVED WE HAV ONE OF THE BEST MEDICAL SCHOOLS IN THE COUNTRY, MORE HOSTELS ARE BEEN BUILT FOR STUDENTS WELL EMMATEX IS EXPANDING HIS BUSINEES AND HE NOW HAS MORE BRANCHES IN ABUJA CAMPUS, WE NOW HAVE A FACULTY OF AGRICULTURE, DENTISTRY, NURSING AND PHARMACY AND WE HOPE TO GET A LAW FACULTY PRETTY SOON. THE PRESENT VC IS TRYING HIS BEST AND I HOPE HE KEEPS UP THE GOOD WORK, HOPE TO HEAR FROM MORE UNIQUE UP STRUDENTS ALUTA CONTINUA, VICTORIA ASCETAR.CHEERS

go to a high court and swear and affidavit showing that ur name has been wrongly spelt then u can also publish the correction in a national newspaper it will cost u but it will save time
paul

nsikak-abasi ekuerre- management

the registration process will start pretty soon just start arranging urself so u can can clear ur self on time. in two weeks time it will begin as soon as the site is ready i will inform u guys so be patient with us, once again congratulations to u all. paul-08062568988

the registration will likely commence by second week of december. jst keep in touch.congratulations

this is just the merit list first subsequent list will follow for more details call me 08062568988-paul thank u

JUST FINISHED THIS YR FROM GEOGRAPHY AND ENVIRONMENTAL MGT THE SCHOOL HAS CHANGED A LOT SINCE U GUYS LEFT HOPE WE CAN MEET. THIS BEEN A LOVELY EXPERIENCE SO FAR THANK GOD FOR HIS GRACE CHOBA AND ALLU HAVE CHANGED A LOT. THERE ARE MORE OFF K ACCOMMODATIONS AND THE LANDLORDS ARE MAKING LOADS OF CASH.

uniport runs an ISLT PROGRAMME FOR 5YRS B.TECH

the 2008/2009 admission list for university of port-harcourt is out. u can use this link to visit the site http://www.uniport.edu.ng/20082009-admission-list.html u can reach me on 08062568988-Paul

CCE Screening Exercise

CCE Admissions 2008/2008All candidates who applied for Admission into College Of Continuing Education, University Of Port Harcourt are advised to Print their Application Form Status and Photocard before the exam date. The examination details are clearly stated on the Photocard and only candidates with these details will be eligible to write the Screening Test.



    *
      To Print your Form Status click on CCE Admissons then Application Form Status
    *
      Select the Deparment you applied for and Click Search
    *
      Scroll down the list to find your name and click on it to print your Form Status
    *
      If you find any mistake on the form, contact the Online Helpdesk for Support before trying to print the Photocard
    *
      Below the Form Status Slip is a button Print Photocard, click on it to print your Photocard.

Screening Test Date: Saturday, 29th November, 2008

FOLLOW THE LINK BELOW:http://www.uniport.edu.ng/cce-admissions.html

U CAN CALL ME ON THIS NUMBER FOR ANY CLARIFICATION -08062568988-PAUL

well the unversity has released the second semester results of basic students 2007/2008 session maths and english that were writen on monday. have been released and the others will be released subsequently sos as to pave wave for the incoming basic students.visit the school site for it. www.uniport.edu.ng. and to register for the incoming basic it is not compulsory dat u had writen uniport as ur first or second choice as long as u meet the requirements for each dept. u can come and apply. take care and success

well more info on the basic form u can only pay in a bank over here in school either u come down or u send some one cos the closin date will note be extended and they admission list is not yet out but just keep ur fingers crossed it will be out pretty soon.

Basic Studies Programme 2008/2009

Applications are invited from suitably qualified candidates for admission into the Basic Studies Programme of the University of Port Harcourt for the 2008/2009 Academic Session.

Admission Requirements

Candidates should possess WASC/SSCE/GCE/NECO/NABTEB Ordinary Level with credit passes in at least Five Relevant Subjects and minimum JAMB score as shown below:
S/No Department Required Core Subjects Jamb Score (Minimum)
1 Chemical, Electrical & Electronics, Gas, Mechanical and Petroleum Engineering Physics, Chemistry, English Mathematics and any other Science subject e.g. Biology, Technical Drawing & Agric. Sci. 200
Civil and Environmental Engineering Physics, Chemistry, English Mathematics and any other Science subject e.g. Biology, Technical Drawing & Agric. Sci. 180
2 Health Sciences (Medicine, Anatomy, Physiology, Pharmacy, Nursing and Dentistry) Physics, Chemistry, Biology, English, and Mathematics. 200
3 Animal and Environmental Biology (AEB) English, Biology, Chemistry, Physics and Maths. 170
4 Biochemistry English, Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Maths,. 170
5 Geology Physics, Chemistry, Biology. English and Maths. 170
6 Computer Science and Maths/Computer English, Mathematics, Physics, Chemistry & Biology. 170
7 Maths/Statistics, Statistics and Pure Maths English, Maths, Physics, Chemistry and Biology or Geography or Economics. 170
8 Microbiology English, Biology, Chemistry, Physics and Mathematics. 170
9 Physics English, Physics, Mathematics Chemistry and Biology. 170
10 Plant Science and Biotechnology (PSB) English, Maths, Chemistry, Physics and biology 170
11 Pure & Industrial Chemistry (PIC) English, Maths, Chemistry, Physics and biology 170
12 Geography & Environmental Management (GEM) English, Geography and any other three from the Arts, Sciences or Social Sciences with at least a Pass in Mathematics 170
13

Agriculture:
Agric Econs & Extension, Animal Science & Fisheries, Crop & Soil Science, and Forestry & Wildlife Mgt. English, Maths, Chemistry, Biology and Agric Science or any one of Physics, Geography or Economics. 170



Course Duration

The programme is for a period of one year (one academic session)

Method of Application

Application is on-line. Logon to www.uniport.edu.ng. Click on BASIC/CERT Registration and follow the procedure. An all inclusive fee of seven thousand (N7,000) is required with a 45×35 cm passport photograph to be uploaded. Payment shall be made only at designated Banks on campus. Basic Studies Brochure shall also be collected from these Banks.

Closing Date

The closing date for the sale of application forms is on 3rd January, 2009.

Screening Exercise

A screening test shall be conducted on the 10th of January, 2009 in the University of Port Harcourt and all applicants are expected to participate. Candidates Exam No, Seat No, and Exam Hall shall be provided online. Result of the screening test and admission list shall be posted on the internet (www.uniport.edu.ng) 2 weeks after the exercise.

Materials Needed for the Basic Screening Exercise

Candidates are required to come with the following:

*
A clear copy of Photocard printed on line
*
HB pencil, eraser and non-programmable calculators

Note:

*
Candidates' name on their O’Level Certificate and JAMB results must be consistent with what is filled online;
*
Mobile phones, walkman, ipod and similar gadgets are not allowed into the screening venue;
*
Candidates are strongly advised to identify their screening venue prior to the screening date as lateness shall not be tolerated;
*
Candidates must apply within the designated period as the site shall be disabled at midnight on 3rd January, 2009;
*
Candidates must report to screening venue by 8.00 am prompt

Acceptance Fee

Candidates offered admission shall be required to pay a non-refundable Acceptance Fee of ten thousand naira (N10,000) only.

Registration

Registration will commence on the 26th January 2009 while lectures will start on 9th February 2009.

call me for more info 08062568988-PAUL

well every body should keep cam about the uniport list cos it will soon be out for now the only cut off i know is nursing which is 6o% prelimin students have not yet written thier exams while we the regular student have just finished the exams so u guys should just keep ur fingers crossed cos it will be out real soon.paulekdis is my number for more update 08062568988 and my email is saintpaulek@hotmail.com./thxs