₦airaland Forum

excellence44:
Please reverse the whole scenario and let's assume the woman is the one complaining about husband's benevolence to his ext. family. What would your advice be?

excellence44:
Please reverse the whole scenario and let's assume the woman is the one complaining about husband's benevolence to his ext. family. What would your advice be?

register505:
Hello Nairalanders

I have an issue which has been bothering me lately and I need advice from mature minds. I got married to my beloved wife recently and everything has been going fine. She's such a wonderful woman and a great supporter too

I noticed my wife is too attached to her family. Dad calls everyday, mom calls everyday, brother and sister call almost everyday but that isn't the issue. After all, we are newly married so it's normal for her to still be so attached to them for some while

The issue is that she's too attached to her family financially at the expense of our own pressing needs in the house. I also have my family too but none, down to my younger ones will call to ask me for financial assistance at least for now because they know I need some time to recover as a newly married couple after wedding expenses and all that

My wife keeps sending to her family every now and then for one complain or the other. It's either her brother calls today asking for favour or her sister calls tomorrow asking for favour and she's ever ready too meet these needs. To crown it all, I noticed this behaviour is very common with her mom

I know it's normal to take care of one's family but the way I see the whole thing, she puts her family's responsibility at the forefront and sometimes indirectly utter statements that I should send money to them

I'm a man who knows how to take care of my home and I handle all responsibility of the family- rent, feeding, utility bills and everything which is the normal duty of a man but the issue is that my wife doesn't always feel pressed to assist me in a little way. Things like "dear, let me add N1,000 to the N20,000" but when her family calls and complains about something, she sends money immediately or later. When her siblings or parents call, the call will most probably end with her saying "I'm going to send it". In a span of three weeks now, she has sent money to them more than 8 times

The summary of everything I'm saying is that her money stays in her pocket or either goes to her family while all my own money is used to finance us

PS: she wasn't like this before we got married. She used to be supportive but everything changes after marriage, and if my guess is right, she was given a wrong orientation into the marriage by her family

Please how do I handle this maturely? Should I complain to her my displeasure about it or continue to see it as a normal thing at this early stage of us?

And please, mods, I don't want this on the front page

VTJN:
Please how is that possible?

It's a man's duty to look after his family (financially and otherwise) why reversing nature?

simplepee:
Hmmm. Oga, just talk to her.


We can't do anything about it.


Siblings will suck you dry if you are not careful, me I've developed the art of deafness to mine.

VTJN:
Please how is that possible?

It's a man's duty to look after his family (financially and otherwise) why reversing nature?

VTJN:
Please how is that possible?

It's a man's duty to look after his family (financially and otherwise) why reversing nature?

mariahAngel:
All I have to say to you and op is that one’s family does not stop existing simply because one got married. (And this applies to both males and females.)
That you’re married doesn’t mean you should distance yourself or cut off ties with your family.

Most men think that once they marry a woman, she and everything she’s ever about become all theirs alone. Well, no!

yemmit90:
@op, you are just giving yourself unnecessary stress. She would definitely change when she has her own kids. Women love spending on their kids if they have money, just be patient with her and focus on your marriage.

You are even lucky she use her own money. What if she keep pressure on you to always help her family and start quarrelling with you whenever you refuse.

crackhaus:
I find it funny though that no chic here has talked about how the wife ought to discuss with her husband before rendering financial help...

Let's not pretend that we don't all know how women love having "a discussion" before their husbands can send money to his relatives.

Mercychen:
What advice do you want us to give you here?
To tell you to stop her from helping her family?
Is it your wife's money you want to depend on? abi which one is she caters more for her family at the expense of your pressing needs?

Oh... The reason you married her was because she was supporting you financially. So, now she withdrew the resources and channels it to her family, you're having a difficult time accepting that change.

Please let her be. You should hustle to meet your immediate familys pressing needs. Not like she's even asking you for money to send to them. Her hard earned money.

You men don't know what you want. A woman is dependent, wahala. A woman is independent, problem.
Chilax, abeg!

Nitoriolohun1:
This situation looks so simple yet if not handled with wisdom can be misunderstood by your wife or the family if it eventually gets to them...

Firstly is your wife your friend? When you both are courting I don't really understand what you took time to discuss...

Period of courting is not when you go to eatery and cinemas to catch cruise but a time of bluntly addressing key issues and understanding and identifying common goals like how do we go abt our finance, how many kids are we envisaging, career growth or something that involves mutuality

Most parents or family are parasite and toxic in nature although I am not ruling out helping out when it's necessary but for God's sake it shldnt be all the time and the moment people know you can't say no then you are in for a long ride

Honestly I dnt really know what to advise but engage your wife in a friendly mode and try to bring a project that both of you can start to work on together...
It maybe a building project or a business to augment your income if you are a salary earner let her understand that you need to gather first before sharing...
How on earth will a lady claims she love a man and yet allow him alone to work out himself in the name of providing and yet she's earning too but using hers selfishly ?
Talk to her about it and dnt make it or turn it to an argument cos there's possibility she dnt know you are hurting...
God bless your home and gives you the wisdom to make it work in Jesus name (Amen)

here's one mature advice op should take. Before the "women are useless" crew help you break up your marriage.

RightToReject:
One problem almost all of you in this kind of situation has is putting a wrong price or meaning on peace, love, maturity, wisdom, civility, etc., from the inception of your relationships.

From the connotation of your submissions:

- While courting her, you gave her an impression that she can always do whatever makes her happy, instead of what is right regardless of whether it makes her happy, all in a bid to appear a civil/modern - wannabe libertarian - because you didn't want to lose her. Now that she has started living your philosophy in fullness, you have started complaining and appearing weak and helpless.

- The fact that you have put a wrong price on peace is the reason why you have brought this matter here instead of sitting her down and read the riot act out to her that the price of peace (love in general) in the house and union is everyone striving hard in doing what is right at any given time; else, war will take center stage and mean it in words and actions. No, you won't do this because of feeble-mindedness glossed with the false garb of maturity/emotional intelligence.

In summary, put an ethical philosophy that is humane in place and let it be the bond that will hold two of you and the union in general.

Nitoriolohun1:
This situation looks so simple yet if not handled with wisdom can be misunderstood by your wife or the family if it eventually gets to them...

Firstly is your wife your friend? When you both are courting I don't really understand what you took time to discuss...

Period of courting is not when you go to eatery and cinemas to catch cruise but a time of bluntly addressing key issues and understanding and identifying common goals like how do we go abt our finance, how many kids are we envisaging, career growth or something that involves mutuality

Most parents or family are parasite and toxic in nature although I am not ruling out helping out when it's necessary but for God's sake it shldnt be all the time and the moment people know you can't say no then you are in for a long ride

Honestly I dnt really know what to advise but engage your wife in a friendly mode and try to bring a project that both of you can start to work on together...
It maybe a building project or a business to augment your income if you are a salary earner let her understand that you need to gather first before sharing...
How on earth will a lady claims she love a man and yet allow him alone to work out himself in the name of providing and yet she's earning too but using hers selfishly ?
Talk to her about it and dnt make it or turn it to an argument cos there's possibility she dnt know you are hurting...
God bless your home and gives you the wisdom to make it work in Jesus name (Amen)

MufasaLion:
Women!

Never marry a woman that is too attached to her family. Your marriage will suffer for it.

I'm sure this dude noticed it while courting but he waived it off because they weren't living together yet.

Just sit her down and talk to her. Don't be harsh but be calm and be reasonable with her.

Most importantly, don't let her manipulate you emotionally.

MufasaLion:
She might not change even after having kids. You can't just predict a woman like her.

Moreover, about your second paragraph, that is irrelevant because she got the money already.

yemmit90:
You cant predict a woman, but you are adamant she cant change?

Responsibilities usually make people adjust, you cant compare the way people without responsibility spend to those with ones. Dont be surprise the same woman can start helping her husband the moment she discover he is broke. Besides, women loves their kids to look good, they spend randomly on them to achieve this.

VTJN:
The family she had before she met you? The family who made her what she was? You rather prefer a woman who'd keep her family at arms length because she wants to marry?

A family she's related to by blood and not marriage o ;

Why do men prefer a woman whose family ain't in close contact with her? They are very much active in contact with their own family o, but want a woman to partially discard her own family

Are such men directly/indirectly running away from their responsibility or what?

Or they just want a woman they can easily manipulate or something

No family should be far from their daughters. I repeat no family poor or rich should be far from their daughters

Especially this our naija wey some men dey treat their wife like a piece of shit

Provided she's not cheating on you. She's not abusive verbally and otherwise

She's most likely to reduce her act of benevolence to her family when kids comes in. That doesn't mean she will cut off with them

It's her family by blood. You are her family by marriage

bukatyne:
@bold:

Hmmmm!

I wish this was whatsapp, I have a benefitting sticker

VTJN:
The family she had before she met you? The family who made her what she was? You rather prefer a woman who'd keep her family at arms length because she wants to marry?

A family she's related to by blood and not marriage o ;

Why do men prefer a woman whose family ain't in close contact with her? They are very much active in contact with their own family o, but want a woman to partially discard her own family

Are such men directly/indirectly running away from their responsibility or what?

Or they just want a woman they can easily manipulate or something

No family should be far from their daughters. I repeat no family poor or rich should be far from their daughters

Especially this our naija wey some men dey treat their wife like a piece of shit

Provided she's not cheating on you. She's not abusive verbally and otherwise

She's most likely to reduce her act of benevolence to her family when kids comes in. That doesn't mean she will cut off with them

It's her family by blood. You are her family by marriage

InTheCloudySky:
No one is saying she should cut off her family but giving money to them while not contributing financially to her household isn't right.

bukatyne:
@Bold:

Let me laugh small

register505:
Hello Nairalanders

I have an issue which has been bothering me lately and I need advice from mature minds. I got married to my beloved wife recently and everything has been going fine. She's such a wonderful woman and a great supporter too

I noticed my wife is too attached to her family. Dad calls everyday, mom calls everyday, brother and sister call almost everyday but that isn't the issue. After all, we are newly married so it's normal for her to still be so attached to them for some while

The issue is that she's too attached to her family financially at the expense of our own pressing needs in the house. I also have my family too but none, down to my younger ones will call to ask me for financial assistance at least for now because they know I need some time to recover as a newly married couple after wedding expenses and all that

My wife keeps sending to her family every now and then for one complain or the other. It's either her brother calls today asking for favour or her sister calls tomorrow asking for favour and she's ever ready too meet these needs. To crown it all, I noticed this behaviour is very common with her mom

I know it's normal to take care of one's family but the way I see the whole thing, she puts her family's responsibility at the forefront and sometimes indirectly utter statements that I should send money to them

I'm a man who knows how to take care of my home and I handle all responsibility of the family- rent, feeding, utility bills and everything which is the normal duty of a man but the issue is that my wife doesn't always feel pressed to assist me in a little way. Things like "dear, let me add N1,000 to the N20,000" but when her family calls and complains about something, she sends money immediately or later. When her siblings or parents call, the call will most probably end with her saying "I'm going to send it". In a span of three weeks now, she has sent money to them more than 8 times

The summary of everything I'm saying is that her money stays in her pocket or either goes to her family while all my own money is used to finance us

PS: she wasn't like this before we got married. She used to be supportive but everything changes after marriage, and if my guess is right, she was given a wrong orientation into the marriage by her family

Please how do I handle this maturely? Should I complain to her my displeasure about it or continue to see it as a normal thing at this early stage of us?

And please, mods, I don't want this on the front page

excellence44:
Register505
Does she contribute at all to house keep money? If no, whenever she asks for money give her 70% then tell her to complete the reminder. Legally, she is suppose to contribute to house upkeep if she is earning.
Don't just shoulder everything because you're a man try to delegate some responsibilities to her after all she is your partner not your child.

NoToPile:
@ bolded In naija or where?

Which law states this? First time I am hearing of this.

Mercychen:
What advice do you want us to give you here?
To tell you to stop her from helping her family?
Is it your wife's money you want to depend on? abi which one is she caters more for her family at the expense of your pressing needs?

Oh... The reason you married her was because she was supporting you financially. So, now she withdrew the resources and channels it to her family, you're having a difficult time accepting that change.

Please let her be. You should hustle to meet your immediate familys pressing needs. Not like she's even asking you for money to send to them. Her hard earned money.

You men don't know what you want. A woman is dependent, wahala. A woman is independent, problem.
Chilax, abeg!