| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by Nobody: 4:56pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
. 2 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by simplepee(f): 5:01pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
Hmmm. Oga, just talk to her.
We can't do anything about it.
Siblings will suck you dry if you are not careful, me I've developed the art of deafness to mine. 3 Likes |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by mariahAngel(f): 5:03pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
excellence44:
Please reverse the whole scenario and let's assume the woman is the one complaining about husband's benevolence to his ext. family. What would your advice be? All I have to say to you and op is that one’s family does not stop existing simply because one got married. (And this applies to both males and females.) That you’re married doesn’t mean you should distance yourself or cut off ties with your family. Most men think that once they marry a woman, she and everything she’s ever about become all theirs alone. Well, no! 4 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by VTJN(m): 5:05pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
excellence44:
Please reverse the whole scenario and let's assume the woman is the one complaining about husband's benevolence to his ext. family. What would your advice be? Please how is that possible? It's a man's duty to look after his family (financially and otherwise) why reversing nature? 3 Likes |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by VTJN(m): 5:21pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
register505:
Hello Nairalanders
I have an issue which has been bothering me lately and I need advice from mature minds. I got married to my beloved wife recently and everything has been going fine. She's such a wonderful woman and a great supporter too
I noticed my wife is too attached to her family. Dad calls everyday, mom calls everyday, brother and sister call almost everyday but that isn't the issue. After all, we are newly married so it's normal for her to still be so attached to them for some while
The issue is that she's too attached to her family financially at the expense of our own pressing needs in the house. I also have my family too but none, down to my younger ones will call to ask me for financial assistance at least for now because they know I need some time to recover as a newly married couple after wedding expenses and all that
My wife keeps sending to her family every now and then for one complain or the other. It's either her brother calls today asking for favour or her sister calls tomorrow asking for favour and she's ever ready too meet these needs. To crown it all, I noticed this behaviour is very common with her mom
I know it's normal to take care of one's family but the way I see the whole thing, she puts her family's responsibility at the forefront and sometimes indirectly utter statements that I should send money to them
I'm a man who knows how to take care of my home and I handle all responsibility of the family- rent, feeding, utility bills and everything which is the normal duty of a man but the issue is that my wife doesn't always feel pressed to assist me in a little way. Things like "dear, let me add N1,000 to the N20,000" but when her family calls and complains about something, she sends money immediately or later. When her siblings or parents call, the call will most probably end with her saying "I'm going to send it". In a span of three weeks now, she has sent money to them more than 8 times
The summary of everything I'm saying is that her money stays in her pocket or either goes to her family while all my own money is used to finance us
PS: she wasn't like this before we got married. She used to be supportive but everything changes after marriage, and if my guess is right, she was given a wrong orientation into the marriage by her family
Please how do I handle this maturely? Should I complain to her my displeasure about it or continue to see it as a normal thing at this early stage of us?
And please, mods, I don't want this on the front page since you have the financial muscles to take care of your new family then you shouldn't be bothered about how she gives her family money This is her family. She definitely knows almost if not virtually everything about them. Though the siblings might be taking advantage of her. But nonetheless, this is her first family, her siblings, mother. Blood bond them together not marriage She will definitely change as soon as you guys start having kids. She will most definitely reduced her incessant giving to her family. It's just a matter of time Just encourage her to have some savings regardless her benevolence to her family Like i said earlier, provided you ain't incapacitated as a man to look after your family. Provided you are up and doing as a man. Then, there's no cause for alarm. 3 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by ImaIma1(f): 5:23pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
This is something both of you need to talk about at this initial stage. Let her understand that she's no longer single and cannot make financial moves on her own.
Is she the breadwinner of her family? 8 times in 3 weeks is a whole lot.
How many siblings doe she have and how come it's that often?
She needs to make them understand that she's married and her funds also has to be invested in the marriage too. The financial responsibility should not fall on the man alone, except you have given her the impression that you have all the money and she can do whatever she wants with hers.
Talk about all this before it causes major problems. 1 Like |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by Nobody: 5:25pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
VTJN:
Please how is that possible?
It's a man's duty to look after his family (financially and otherwise) why reversing nature? It's the woman's duty not to contribute to her family upkeep. Tankiu How is that possible you asked? Some men can be overly caring for their ext. Family to the detriment of his. A woman once c complained that the husband was spending too much on his mother health. You can't blame her. |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by advanceDNA: 5:35pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
simplepee:
Hmmm. Oga, just talk to her.
We can't do anything about it.
Siblings will suck you dry if you are not careful, me I've developed the art of deafness to mine. 
|
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by mariahAngel(f): 5:55pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
VTJN:
Please how is that possible?
It's a man's duty to look after his family (financially and otherwise) why reversing nature? God bless you. He wanted me to go there, but I jumpanpass! 3 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by yemmit90: 6:41pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
@op, you are just giving yourself unnecessary stress. She would definitely change when she has her own kids. Women love spending on their kids if they have money, just be patient with her and focus on your marriage.
You are even lucky she use her own money. What if she keep pressure on you to always help her family and start quarrelling with you whenever you refuse. 1 Like |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by Nobody: 6:45pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
VTJN:
Please how is that possible?
It's a man's duty to look after his family (financially and otherwise) why reversing nature? That does not mean the woman shouldn't contribute or help him out. It's guys like you who give Nigerian women entitlement mentality, then you'll come back and open thread on Nairaland later. mariahAngel:
All I have to say to you and op is that one’s family does not stop existing simply because one got married. (And this applies to both males and females.)
That you’re married doesn’t mean you should distance yourself or cut off ties with your family.
Most men think that once they marry a woman, she and everything she’s ever about become all theirs alone. Well, no! No one is saying she should cut off her family but giving them money left and right while not contributing financially to her household isn't fair to the spouse. 3 Likes |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by MufasaLion: 6:54pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
Women!  Never marry a woman that is too attached to her family. Your marriage will suffer for it. I'm sure this dude noticed it while courting but he waived it off because they weren't living together yet. Just sit her down and talk to her. Don't be harsh but be calm and be reasonable with her. Most importantly, don't let her manipulate you emotionally. |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by MufasaLion: 6:56pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
yemmit90:
@op, you are just giving yourself unnecessary stress. She would definitely change when she has her own kids. Women love spending on their kids if they have money, just be patient with her and focus on your marriage.
You are even lucky she use her own money. What if she keep pressure on you to always help her family and start quarrelling with you whenever you refuse. She might not change even after having kids. You can't just predict a woman like her. Moreover, about your second paragraph, that is irrelevant because she got the money already. 1 Like |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by JovialJune(f): 7:10pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
crackhaus:
I find it funny though that no chic here has talked about how the wife ought to discuss with her husband before rendering financial help...
Let's not pretend that we don't all know how women love having "a discussion" before their husbands can send money to his relatives. As you have now brought it up, nobody will beat you, now that you have taken up the mantle, i hope you are well in life, and as ladies here disappointed you by not bringing it up, i hope you wont have a sleepless night. 4 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by bukatyne(f): 7:21pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
Mercychen:
What advice do you want us to give you here?
To tell you to stop her from helping her family?
Is it your wife's money you want to depend on? abi which one is she caters more for her family at the expense of your pressing needs?
Oh... The reason you married her was because she was supporting you financially. So, now she withdrew the resources and channels it to her family, you're having a difficult time accepting that change.
Please let her be. You should hustle to meet your immediate familys pressing needs. Not like she's even asking you for money to send to them. Her hard earned money.
You men don't know what you want. A woman is dependent, wahala. A woman is independent, problem.
Chilax, abeg!
@bold: Hmmmm! I wish this was whatsapp, I have a benefitting sticker  1 Like 1 Share |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by Nobody: 7:22pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
Nitoriolohun1:
This situation looks so simple yet if not handled with wisdom can be misunderstood by your wife or the family if it eventually gets to them...
Firstly is your wife your friend? When you both are courting I don't really understand what you took time to discuss...
Period of courting is not when you go to eatery and cinemas to catch cruise but a time of bluntly addressing key issues and understanding and identifying common goals like how do we go abt our finance, how many kids are we envisaging, career growth or something that involves mutuality
Most parents or family are parasite and toxic in nature although I am not ruling out helping out when it's necessary but for God's sake it shldnt be all the time and the moment people know you can't say no then you are in for a long ride
Honestly I dnt really know what to advise but engage your wife in a friendly mode and try to bring a project that both of you can start to work on together...
It maybe a building project or a business to augment your income if you are a salary earner let her understand that you need to gather first before sharing...
How on earth will a lady claims she love a man and yet allow him alone to work out himself in the name of providing and yet she's earning too but using hers selfishly ?
Talk to her about it and dnt make it or turn it to an argument cos there's possibility she dnt know you are hurting...
God bless your home and gives you the wisdom to make it work in Jesus name (Amen)
here's one mature advice op should take. Before the "women are useless" crew help you break up your marriage. 2 Likes |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by bukatyne(f): 7:22pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
RightToReject:
One problem almost all of you in this kind of situation has is putting a wrong price or meaning on peace, love, maturity, wisdom, civility, etc., from the inception of your relationships.
From the connotation of your submissions:
- While courting her, you gave her an impression that she can always do whatever makes her happy, instead of what is right regardless of whether it makes her happy, all in a bid to appear a civil/modern - wannabe libertarian - because you didn't want to lose her. Now that she has started living your philosophy in fullness, you have started complaining and appearing weak and helpless.
- The fact that you have put a wrong price on peace is the reason why you have brought this matter here instead of sitting her down and read the riot act out to her that the price of peace (love in general) in the house and union is everyone striving hard in doing what is right at any given time; else, war will take center stage and mean it in words and actions. No, you won't do this because of feeble-mindedness glossed with the false garb of maturity/emotional intelligence.
In summary, put an ethical philosophy that is humane in place and let it be the bond that will hold two of you and the union in general. @Bold: Let me laugh small  |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by Nobody: 7:24pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
Nitoriolohun1:
This situation looks so simple yet if not handled with wisdom can be misunderstood by your wife or the family if it eventually gets to them...
Firstly is your wife your friend? When you both are courting I don't really understand what you took time to discuss...
Period of courting is not when you go to eatery and cinemas to catch cruise but a time of bluntly addressing key issues and understanding and identifying common goals like how do we go abt our finance, how many kids are we envisaging, career growth or something that involves mutuality
Most parents or family are parasite and toxic in nature although I am not ruling out helping out when it's necessary but for God's sake it shldnt be all the time and the moment people know you can't say no then you are in for a long ride
Honestly I dnt really know what to advise but engage your wife in a friendly mode and try to bring a project that both of you can start to work on together...
It maybe a building project or a business to augment your income if you are a salary earner let her understand that you need to gather first before sharing...
How on earth will a lady claims she love a man and yet allow him alone to work out himself in the name of providing and yet she's earning too but using hers selfishly ?
Talk to her about it and dnt make it or turn it to an argument cos there's possibility she dnt know you are hurting...
God bless your home and gives you the wisdom to make it work in Jesus name (Amen)
gbam |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by VTJN(m): 7:28pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
MufasaLion:
Women!
Never marry a woman that is too attached to her family. Your marriage will suffer for it.
I'm sure this dude noticed it while courting but he waived it off because they weren't living together yet.
Just sit her down and talk to her. Don't be harsh but be calm and be reasonable with her.
Most importantly, don't let her manipulate you emotionally. The family she had before she met you? The family who made her what she was? You rather prefer a woman who'd keep her family at arms length because she wants to marry? A family she's related to by blood and not marriage o ;  Why do men prefer a woman whose family ain't in close contact with her? They are very much active in contact with their own family o, but want a woman to partially discard her own family Are such men directly/indirectly running away from their responsibility or what? Or they just want a woman they can easily manipulate or something No family should be far from their daughters. I repeat no family poor or rich should be far from their daughters Especially this our naija wey some men dey treat their wife like a piece of shit Provided she's not cheating on you. She's not abusive verbally and otherwise She's most likely to reduce her act of benevolence to her family when kids comes in. That doesn't mean she will cut off with them It's her family by blood. You are her family by marriage 2 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by yemmit90: 7:29pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
MufasaLion:
She might not change even after having kids. You can't just predict a woman like her.
Moreover, about your second paragraph, that is irrelevant because she got the money already. You cant predict a woman, but you are adamant she cant change? Responsibilities usually make people adjust, you cant compare the way people without responsibility spend to those with ones. Dont be surprise the same woman can start helping her husband the moment she discover he is broke. Besides, women loves their kids to look good, they spend randomly on them to achieve this. 2 Likes |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by MufasaLion: 7:33pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
yemmit90:
You cant predict a woman, but you are adamant she cant change?
Responsibilities usually make people adjust, you cant compare the way people without responsibility spend to those with ones. Dont be surprise the same woman can start helping her husband the moment she discover he is broke. Besides, women loves their kids to look good, they spend randomly on them to achieve this. I never said she csnt change. I said might. Women can buy the moon for their kids and still be attached to their family. We've seen many cases like that. |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by MufasaLion: 7:35pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
VTJN:
The family she had before she met you? The family who made her what she was? You rather prefer a woman who'd keep her family at arms length because she wants to marry?
A family she's related to by blood and not marriage o ;
Why do men prefer a woman whose family ain't in close contact with her? They are very much active in contact with their own family o, but want a woman to partially discard her own family
Are such men directly/indirectly running away from their responsibility or what?
Or they just want a woman they can easily manipulate or something
No family should be far from their daughters. I repeat no family poor or rich should be far from their daughters
Especially this our naija wey some men dey treat their wife like a piece of shit
Provided she's not cheating on you. She's not abusive verbally and otherwise
She's most likely to reduce her act of benevolence to her family when kids comes in. That doesn't mean she will cut off with them
It's her family by blood. You are her family by marriage Wow! Read what you wrote again. It makes no sense to a sensible being. 2 Likes |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by Nobody: 7:42pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
bukatyne:
@bold:
Hmmmm!
I wish this was whatsapp, I have a benefitting sticker My dear, that's just the hidden truth. |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by bukatyne(f): 7:46pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
@register505:
Congratulations on your wedding ceremony.
Like our elders say, it is hard to bend a dry fish which means it is easy to bend a new one.
Your marriage is still very young (a wet fish) so you both can adjust to the kind of home you want.
I am going to draw you back to your courtship: What did you discuss about kids? Money? Domestics? Career? Religion? Dreams? Aspirations? Retirement? etc. etc.?
Since finance is the bone of contention now: what specifically did you discuss about finances? Are you sticking to the plan?
Let's assume you did not discuss (even if you did)
This is an opportunity to discuss; what is your ideal financial outlook in marriage? Forget political correctness or wokeness. What do YOU really want? What DOES she REALLY want? Then you both meet at the middle if not aligned. I have listed below some models:
1. The husband provided EVERYTHING;
2. The husband is the major provider while the wife uses her discretion;
3. The husband and wife contributes 50% of whatever is required;
4. The husband and wife have an account where they pool their funds monthly for children fees, rent, projects etc. Their remaining funds is utilized as they wish
5. The husband and wife maintains 100% joint account and do all money decisions TOGETHER. This joint account might be a physical joint account or A moves the money to B's account who is also the financial manager of the home.
Ideally, both parties should discuss money irrespective of the model adopted however you would agree that might not be feasible in models 1 - 3.
Even if she doesn't want to discuss money with you and doesn't expect you to discuss it with her, she has to be financially responsible to your marriage if that is the model you desire.
@Change of name: Na una get your kaya. There are many reasons a lady can decide not to change her surname. But with the way your wife is going, she is investing in her birth family.
Like the Bible say, where your treasure is, that's where your heart would be also.
Goodluck, you will be fine if this is properly handed. 3 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by crackhaus: 7:47pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
VTJN:
The family she had before she met you? The family who made her what she was? You rather prefer a woman who'd keep her family at arms length because she wants to marry?
A family she's related to by blood and not marriage o ;
Why do men prefer a woman whose family ain't in close contact with her? They are very much active in contact with their own family o, but want a woman to partially discard her own family
Are such men directly/indirectly running away from their responsibility or what?
Or they just want a woman they can easily manipulate or something
No family should be far from their daughters. I repeat no family poor or rich should be far from their daughters
Especially this our naija wey some men dey treat their wife like a piece of shit
Provided she's not cheating on you. She's not abusive verbally and otherwise
She's most likely to reduce her act of benevolence to her family when kids comes in. That doesn't mean she will cut off with them
It's her family by blood. You are her family by marriage I'm starting to think you're deliberately employing reverse psychology with your comments... Imagine you saying the bold text when it's the husband involved... Those same chics hailing you here will come for your head. 6 Likes |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by mariahAngel(f): 7:55pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
InTheCloudySky:
No one is saying she should cut off her family but giving money to them while not contributing financially to her household isn't right. Do you actually believe she’s not contributing anything as in anything? Well, I don’t buy that one bit! Unless his wife does not love him. I think what is paining the op is the money and attention his wife gives to her family. He just wants her all to himself. It is not even like she does whatever she does in secret, and I believe she doesn’t think he would have any problem with it. He should have the discussion with his wife, and not with nairalanders. 3 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by RightToReject(m): 8:33pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
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| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by Nobody: 8:56pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
. 8 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by Xilsbridalhouse(f): 11:29pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
register505:
Hello Nairalanders
I have an issue which has been bothering me lately and I need advice from mature minds. I got married to my beloved wife recently and everything has been going fine. She's such a wonderful woman and a great supporter too
I noticed my wife is too attached to her family. Dad calls everyday, mom calls everyday, brother and sister call almost everyday but that isn't the issue. After all, we are newly married so it's normal for her to still be so attached to them for some while
The issue is that she's too attached to her family financially at the expense of our own pressing needs in the house. I also have my family too but none, down to my younger ones will call to ask me for financial assistance at least for now because they know I need some time to recover as a newly married couple after wedding expenses and all that
My wife keeps sending to her family every now and then for one complain or the other. It's either her brother calls today asking for favour or her sister calls tomorrow asking for favour and she's ever ready too meet these needs. To crown it all, I noticed this behaviour is very common with her mom
I know it's normal to take care of one's family but the way I see the whole thing, she puts her family's responsibility at the forefront and sometimes indirectly utter statements that I should send money to them
I'm a man who knows how to take care of my home and I handle all responsibility of the family- rent, feeding, utility bills and everything which is the normal duty of a man but the issue is that my wife doesn't always feel pressed to assist me in a little way. Things like "dear, let me add N1,000 to the N20,000" but when her family calls and complains about something, she sends money immediately or later. When her siblings or parents call, the call will most probably end with her saying "I'm going to send it". In a span of three weeks now, she has sent money to them more than 8 times
The summary of everything I'm saying is that her money stays in her pocket or either goes to her family while all my own money is used to finance us
PS: she wasn't like this before we got married. She used to be supportive but everything changes after marriage, and if my guess is right, she was given a wrong orientation into the marriage by her family
Please how do I handle this maturely? Should I complain to her my displeasure about it or continue to see it as a normal thing at this early stage of us?
And please, mods, I don't want this on the front page This is why strict marriage counseling in a good church should be encouraged before going to the altar. I used to have this mindset of my money belongs to me and hubby should do the spending before I got married, but during the marriage counseling all that changed as we were counseled about a lot of things and the financial session was taken very very serious. I learnt a lot and today, I’m grateful to God I’m not that kind of wife that believes hubby should shoulder all responsibilities. You need to do that counseling with your wife now! Ask God for directions and wisdom, so this doesn’t creates a division between you both. Talk to her and if she failed to reason with you, you might need to do a proper counseling. 2 Likes |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by NoToPile: 11:36pm On Aug 31, 2021 |
excellence44:
Register505
Does she contribute at all to house keep money? If no, whenever she asks for money give her 70% then tell her to complete the reminder. Legally, she is suppose to contribute to house upkeep if she is earning.
Don't just shoulder everything because you're a man try to delegate some responsibilities to her after all she is your partner not your child. @ bolded In naija or where? Which law states this? First time I am hearing of this. 2 Likes |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by Nobody: 6:21am On Sep 01, 2021 |
NoToPile:
@ bolded In naija or where?
Which law states this? First time I am hearing of this. Check for vap act. The law clearly states that a spouse that is into a paid job or earning must contribute to house upkeep. May not be equal though. Exemption is married house wife/husband. Withholding or starving your spouse is a form of violence I mean VAYOLENS. |
| Re: Do I Have Any Reason To Be Worried? by Idaytesj29(m): 6:33am On Sep 01, 2021 |
Mercychen:
What advice do you want us to give you here?
To tell you to stop her from helping her family?
Is it your wife's money you want to depend on? abi which one is she caters more for her family at the expense of your pressing needs?
Oh... The reason you married her was because she was supporting you financially. So, now she withdrew the resources and channels it to her family, you're having a difficult time accepting that change.
Please let her be. You should hustle to meet your immediate familys pressing needs. Not like she's even asking you for money to send to them. Her hard earned money.
You men don't know what you want. A woman is dependent, wahala. A woman is independent, problem.
Chilax, abeg!
And people are liking this satanic comment..... What does family means then? She is being irresponsible to her immediate family, nothing more. The man can chose to focus on his family as well, how does that sound. 3 Likes |
