₦airaland Forum

obembet:
At 23 I got married immediately after my first degree. Had my first kid at 24, got a master's degree in my area of study, yet without a job. My ex was doing well in his business and he carried all the financial responsibilities of our home while I shoulder all the manual work; ranging from cooking, laundry, cleaning, buying groceries, making sure that every bills are paid, school runs, etc. All he does is to provide the money to carry all of those. I'm all- must -be -tidy kind of person so I made sure to maintain that.

I'll make sure I keep the house clean, prepare his favorite meals which I do by following the meal time table cos he loves three different meals for each day. Most times he will come back with a different meal to be prepared for him after I must have made dinner. This must be accompanied with fruits or nuts to crack, extract, slice and serve. As this continued I became perplex and may complain but he never listened or appreciated all my efforts.

As years come by our population increased and I begged him to buy a washing machine. This is a no go area as he believes it makes one lazy. After much begging and no compliance for about two years I stopped washing his main clothes, but washed only his inner wears. I saved some money and got myself one. He was happy I did so and gave me 25% of the amount I bought it. I later learnt that that was a bribe to start washing his clothes again. All my married life I never had a full house help. His relatives will come, stay for some time and leave. Even while they're still around I prefer to do some things myself for some reasons.

Now this is my round the clock non paid job from from year to year. I'll wake up by 4:00 am to prepare children's snacks or meal for school, wake everyone up by 5:00 am for morning prayers, bath the children and at the same time have clothes rolling in the machine while breakfast sits on fire simultaneously. By 7:15 am I'm with the children on the road to school. Keeps them at school and gets back home to continue the outstanding works. I may come back to meet ex still sleeping or brushing his teeth. I will serve breakfast, help him choose his day wear and most times look for one document or car keys.

I tried to get a teaching job which can help me continue my “rat race” at home. None of them lasted for more than four months, reasons I couldn't figure out till today cos I believe I'm very good at that.

By the time I could say “ehee, time to rest” it's already 3 to 4 pm, time to get the children back from school. Preparing dinner, helping in homework, correcting complains from teachers if there's any, bathing and feeding them. Sometimes I still find time to play and tell stories with the kids. I buy everybody's wears including ex's, especially during festive periods. I guess that's the only time I have to get new things for myself. It never bothered me cos I'm happy putting smiles in the faces of people around me. I'm always preparing home-made groceries cos I'm good at most of them.

I could remember vividly a friend advising me on improving in my outward appearance which I gave little attention to.

By the time I'll retire to bed, it's already 11 or 12:00 midnight. And so it continues.

I never received any form of appreciation; either in kind or in cash. And to worsen it all, he became so abusive; verbally, physically, emotionally and would complain and blame me in every misfortune of his life. Life was so terrible living with him. Yet, I did not complain until he pushed me out and finally left.

Most times we focus all our energy into building our homes, that is wonderful, thereby neglecting ourselves which should come first, it's not being selfish. I celebrate every member of my family every year but I was never celebrated for the thirteen years we lived together. After reading a book, “what kids need most in a mom” by a retired white nurse; Patricia Standforth, I started changing my status but things have started going sour in my marriage and I was kicked out by hubby. He got a nullification note from the church, refused me access to the children, etc. Though I'm working towards getting a civil divorce from the court.

It's been two years now and alot of people could not believe it when they meet me, as a mother of five who's so young looking, energetic and sophisticated. I've got a lot of space and time to travel, learn new things, meet new friends and recently working towards getting an MBA.

And more importantly, I wouldn't want to be seen where I was left.

Edited : Obembet

Klass99:
Why do we (women) even allow ourselves get into certain situations? What are you doing with 5 children, knowing you have very little to no support domestically? The wear and tear on your body nko, from carrying 5 pregnancies over time? Don't some women care about their physical health? About looking good and feeling good just for themselves?

My top performing classmate who graduated with a 2:1 in Accounting ended up in a similar situation. Five children later and she is divorced today, she never put that 2:1 degree to good use either, her story broke my heart.

There was a front page story where a male user said - the truth most of us don't know and men won't voice out is that, wives become unattractive to their husbands after child birth, because of the changes in their bodies. Hence the reason they look for younger women, with firmer bodies and tighter pussies, to sleep with.

The guy's post had 367 likes at the time I saw the thread/his post, I can bet you it wasn't women liking his post but his fellow men. Which means they all agreed with his view, I wasn't even put off or offended by his comment because it was a realistic, matter of fact submission. But, what I thought was - if men feel this way then why are women putting themselves through the stressful wear and tear of multiple child births? It's not like the more kids you have, the better or stronger the bond between you and hubby, sef.

These men will flee for a firmer body, forgetting it is because of their children your body has sagged in different places. Hubby hadn't even touched my classmate in 2 years at the time I was hearing her story. Me, I will just quench because touching, holding and cuddling is one of my love languages.

We need to do better for ourselves and by ourselves as women, when it comes to a lot of things.

holocron:
I put it to you that this is a tissue of lies and fabrication. OP sounds like an ingrate. You are serving/working for your family and instead of appreciating the results of your good works, you are grumbling, complaining and whining. Your husband struggles to do his part in upkeeping the family, you do not appreciate his role but you complain of your own role. You purposely abandoned your family and children for a fake independence and shallow ambitions and now you are regretting. You lost your cherished family for phantom degrees, career and independence. What shall it profit a man to gain the whole world and then lose his soul?

MNDY:
My brother, are you minding her. To be honest, I don't know what is wrong with females. Their reasoning faculty does not measure up. A vast majority of them are all the same. She must have nagged the man so much. She wants him to be involved in the chores too after making money for the family.

olamidefatoye:
Hmmm! It is actually unintentional. I think we are just naturally made that way except for those whose empathy part has been messed up by some kind of experiences. I am married, and I have two boys. I just see that when buy fruits, it's basically for them and if we have let's say three pieces of meat, I would rather serve them to the kids and hubby, just the same way I only pursue their own needs alone with the limited resources available, thinking they need it more, I can always manage and survive. Honestly, we do this with all sense of happiness and fulfilment.

UjuJoan2:
Welcome to the life of a Nigerian woman. . . Even when she’s not wrong, she’s still to blame!

obembet:
At 23 I got married immediately after my first degree. Had my first kid at 24, got a master's degree in my area of study, yet without a job. My ex was doing well in his business and he carried all the financial responsibilities of our home while I shoulder all the manual work; ranging from cooking, laundry, cleaning, buying groceries, making sure that every bills are paid, school runs, etc. All he does is to provide the money to carry all of those. I'm all- must -be -tidy kind of person so I made sure to maintain that.

I'll make sure I keep the house clean, prepare his favorite meals which I do by following the meal time table cos he loves three different meals for each day. Most times he will come back with a different meal to be prepared for him after I must have made dinner. This must be accompanied with fruits or nuts to crack, extract, slice and serve. As this continued I became perplex and may complain but he never listened or appreciated all my efforts.

As years come by our population increased and I begged him to buy a washing machine. This is a no go area as he believes it makes one lazy. After much begging and no compliance for about two years I stopped washing his main clothes, but washed only his inner wears. I saved some money and got myself one. He was happy I did so and gave me 25% of the amount I bought it. I later learnt that that was a bribe to start washing his clothes again. All my married life I never had a full house help. His relatives will come, stay for some time and leave. Even while they're still around I prefer to do some things myself for some reasons.

Now this is my round the clock non paid job from from year to year. I'll wake up by 4:00 am to prepare children's snacks or meal for school, wake everyone up by 5:00 am for morning prayers, bath the children and at the same time have clothes rolling in the machine while breakfast sits on fire simultaneously. By 7:15 am I'm with the children on the road to school. Keeps them at school and gets back home to continue the outstanding works. I may come back to meet ex still sleeping or brushing his teeth. I will serve breakfast, help him choose his day wear and most times look for one document or car keys.

I tried to get a teaching job which can help me continue my “rat race” at home. None of them lasted for more than four months, reasons I couldn't figure out till today cos I believe I'm very good at that.

By the time I could say “ehee, time to rest” it's already 3 to 4 pm, time to get the children back from school. Preparing dinner, helping in homework, correcting complains from teachers if there's any, bathing and feeding them. Sometimes I still find time to play and tell stories with the kids. I buy everybody's wears including ex's, especially during festive periods. I guess that's the only time I have to get new things for myself. It never bothered me cos I'm happy putting smiles in the faces of people around me. I'm always preparing home-made groceries cos I'm good at most of them.

I could remember vividly a friend advising me on improving in my outward appearance which I gave little attention to.

By the time I'll retire to bed, it's already 11 or 12:00 midnight. And so it continues.

I never received any form of appreciation; either in kind or in cash. And to worsen it all, he became so abusive; verbally, physically, emotionally and would complain and blame me in every misfortune of his life. Life was so terrible living with him. Yet, I did not complain until he pushed me out and finally left.

Most times we focus all our energy into building our homes, that is wonderful, thereby neglecting ourselves which should come first, it's not being selfish. I celebrate every member of my family every year but I was never celebrated for the thirteen years we lived together. After reading a book, “what kids need most in a mom” by a retired white nurse; Patricia Standforth, I started changing my status but things have started going sour in my marriage and I was kicked out by hubby. He got a nullification note from the church, refused me access to the children, etc. Though I'm working towards getting a civil divorce from the court.

It's been two years now and alot of people could not believe it when they meet me, as a mother of five who's so young looking, energetic and sophisticated. I've got a lot of space and time to travel, learn new things, meet new friends and recently working towards getting an MBA.

And more importantly, I wouldn't want to be seen where I was left.

Edited : Obembet

olaniyiYAH:
Marriage is not a bondage how many divorce is happ when they divorce or living single mother life?

holocron:
How can it be? Isn't she the one complaining of unappreciation and sacrifice? Read between the lines. If it's not acceptable to a woman, they never born the man with the power to push out a woman while keeping the young children.

Verysmart101:
Let me tell you something.If you marry a man who geinuely loves you.He would never flee.The problem is that women marry for different reasons especially for money instead of true love and also marrying a responsible man is another paramount condition for a great marriage.Todays woman will pick a rich yahoo boy over a hardworking responsible salary earner but fail to realise that in later years,ur body will fumble and rumble and because he was never into you,He will vanish.

Hemanwel:
I do not subscribe to this school of thought. Thing is: African women grow up with this notion that when they get married, the responsibility is on them to take care of their homes. And I believe they think they have to do it sacrificially. So, to the married African woman, she is sacrificing herself to ensure her home is in order; reason she puts her personal interests aside.
My observation though![/b]

Grandmeister:
You're a woman so I understand you being unintentionally biased towards a fellow woman. But reading this story you could tell she wasn't saying the complete truth! She NEVER blamed herself for anything! I mean she didn't even own up to not being able to hold a job....this kind of people are fvcking manipulative. Everything was someone else's fault but hers!

Kobojunkie:
There are career men and women who work from home handling pretty much similar workload as house wife use to, this in addition to their career work load out there.

I recently visited a lawyer who runs her business from her home. She is able to deal with 3 children under age 8 and still attend to her clients and children's daily activities at that.

So, unless the housewife homeschools all her kids, I don't see how anyone can clearly say that housewives work more than career women, particularly in the world of today.

Klass99:
This story reminds me of what Megareal (a nairaland user) said about marriage, on a different thread the 14th day of April 2021. I will never forget what she said because I thought it was profound, the full text is below.



See more of what she said below........

obembet:
That’s the story of most African Women including my own mom.

Valuc:
She will not tell us what she did... Only the good part we will hear .. give us ur husband number let's hear from his own side

Hathor5:
You could be right but it is also true that many women forget to take care of themselves once they become mothers.

Konquest:
@Klass99
I'm gonna differ with you here 'cause you're speaking in absolute terms.

Men also experience body changes
as we grow older, just like women
because of hormonal changes and
pressures of daily living. But these are minor situations if you're a fitness and health buff regardless of the gender.

Second, there's nothing wrong
with a woman having up to 4 to 5 children as long as ladies are in
tune with the current trends in
post-pregnancy weight loss and
body firming. There are many
women who have experienced
multiple births (i.e., due to giving
birth to triplets or quintuplets)
and they still look red-hot!

Don't make it look like men cannot stand by their women who have up to 5 children just because you saw 300+ likes on an NL post. Some of those likes definitely came from mainly younger folks who have NOT yet developed their power of imagination and critical thinking which lead to creative solutions in the real world.

Ciao.


P.S. Klass99, give me the link
to the NL post of the dude who
you say had 367 like. I'd like to
evaluate what the dude posted.

Grandmeister:
This is why Nigerian women will perpetually continue in their mistakes. The total lack of owning up to their responsibilities and mistakes! You want me to believe that a woman who lost multiple jobs and didn't know why she lost them is without blame?? Really?? A woman who refused to do her husband's laundry even when he reimbursed her 25% of the money she used in purchasing the machine is without blame?

Grandmeister:
Look well! She actually highlighted her faults but was too dimwitted to even realise it! And the ladies commenting here didn't even pick it up(which isn't surprising).
1. She said she lost jobs on multiple occasions but didn say why....because she couldn't find anyone else but herself to blame.
2. She said her husband have her 25% of the money she used in purchasing the washing machine and she still didn't do his laundry.
3. She blamed her husband for not wanting a house help in his home.
4. A house wife (which is an honorable position) complaining of doing school runs for HER offsprings.

obembet:
My advice to all Ladies there is that when a man comes, make sure that he is worth it and make sure that he knows your rules …

holocron:
I put it to you that this is a tissue of lies and fabrication. OP sounds like an ingrate. You are serving/working for your family and instead of appreciating the results of your good works, you are grumbling, complaining and whining. Your husband struggles to do his part in upkeeping the family, you do not appreciate his role but you complain of your own role. You purposely abandoned your family and children for a fake independence and shallow ambitions and now you are regretting. You lost your cherished family for phantom degrees, career and independence. What shall it profit a man to gain the whole world and then lose his soul?