Hello everyone

Long post alert.

I feel like I'm burning out. I have been married to a guy I think I'm crazy in love with for 6 years plus. We got 2 kids.

I have been solely responsible for the bills, I mean every single bill. From houserent, to school fees, to car maintenance, to feeding and toiletries.

I have been very patient with my husband cos I'm not a materialistic woman. I really don't attach much value to money, it's just a tool to achieve required stuff.

Here's the issue. My husband is an unambitious person with no personal goals.
When we were dating, I always pushed him to achieve more and I felt since I was the ambitious one, I could always motivate him, so long as he was willing to be motivated.

But now, after all these years and two kids, I AM TIRED.

My ATM card is mostly with him, all he knows to do is spend, spend, spend while I work, work, work,plan,plan,plan and save, save, save.

I feel he has no understanding of responsibility and he has become so comfortable with me wearing these shoes.

I always have to push my personal needs aside and think of the family first.

Now I'm at a point where I'm just waiting for the kids to be grown and then I'll leave him. I don't even know sef. I feel emotionally neglected. I feel resentful. I feel all these things cos I can't walk out of this marriage cos of my Christian beliefs, my children, and maybe cos a part of me still loves him.

But, I feel myself growing apart from him daily. Sometimes, I feel I would have done way better if I wasn't married to him. I feel burdened.

If I could have an affair to maintain some form of mental stability I would, but I can't. I think he knows this so he feels confident that I ain't going no where but I'll shock him.

I'm just tired of taking care of everyone without being taken care of. I keep pouring out and giving

We look like the picture perfect couple. We are both very attractive, young looking and have great chemistry but that's all there is to it.

I can't even remember the last time we both had a meaningful conversation on an intellectual level cos while I'm all about self development, dude is all about whatever he is all about.

I really don't know. I'm really sad and getting to my threshold.

Does he not have a job or business? You give him your ATM card? What bills does he pay in the family? What was your agreement with him before marriage?

I really felt for you because i can see the pain in your write up. At this stage your mental health is paramount, all you need to do is you have to be less ambitious, have few desire , adope simplicity and care more about your inner peace . You need all this right now so you can have a clear picture of things before you can take the right decision. Is unfortunate you married a mentally lazy man whose priority is to take care of his look so he could look good to others out their at the expense of his family. Aka fine boy

Holly Gram Abeg ELDERS make Una come CHUK mouth 4 DIS MATTERZ!

LITE UP my WEED in peace

WTF MAN!

baby124:
Does he not have a job or business? You give him your ATM card? What bills does he pay in the family? What was your agreement with him before marriage?

Hi baby124

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

He had job before we got married. We had our 1st child within our 1st year of marriage and he quit saying he wanted to do business.

Like every other plan he cooks up, he didn't stay consistent to see it through. More than 5 years later I'm left to take care of every thing.

I used to transfer the fees to him so he pays from his account but after he used our son's fees for a business, I was so heart broken. I don't give him school fees to pay anymore. I make the payments.

He does not pay for anything.

RichGal:
Now I'm at a point where I'm just waiting for the kids to be grown and then I'll leave him. I don't even know sef. I feel emotionally neglected. I feel resentful. I feel all these things cos I can't walk out of this marriage cos of my Christian beliefs, my children, and maybe cos a part of me still loves him.

But, I feel myself growing apart from him daily. Sometimes, I feel I would have done way better if I wasn't married to him. I feel burdened. If I could have an affair to maintain some form of mental stability I would, but I can't. I think he knows this so he feels confident that I ain't going no where but I'll shock him.
I'm just tired of taking care of everyone without being taken care of. I keep pouring out and giving

We look like the picture perfect couple. We are both very attractive, young looking and have great chemistry but that's all there is to it.

I can't even remember the last time we both had a meaningful conversation on an intellectual level cos while I'm all about self development, dude is all about whatever he is all about. I really don't know. I'm really sad and getting to my threshold.

Fixing another human being is never a good idea, so... I do understand what you mean when you say you are exhausted, so why not consider no longer carrying all the weight by yourself?

1. Get a marriage counselor involved to help you and your husband review your current arrangement and come to a new resolution that has him carrying some of the burden you have had to carry all by yourself till now...

2. Visit a mental health therapist so as to help you dig down to reason why you feel you are to serve as mother - fixer - to your own husband. I believe that by discovering the root of that for yourself, you can begin to leg go of the need to hold it all up by yourself.

3. Give yourself a break as often as you can. If you already mentally exhausted only 6 years in to the marriage, what will the picture of your health look like by the time you are 20 years into it, assuming you never collapse finish by then?

Donpenny:
I really felt for you because i can see the pain in your write up. At this stage your mental health is paramount, all you need to do is you have to be less ambitious, have few desire , adope simplicity and care more about your inner peace . You need all this right now so you can have a clear picture of things before you can take the right decision. Is unfortunate you married a mentally lazy man whose priority is to take care of his look so he could look good to others out their at the expense of his family. Aka fine boy

Hi Donpenny

Thanks. I can't afford to be less ambitious. I have a responsibility to my family.

I have a job that should be referred to as well paid but I realised I seem to be living from paycheck to paycheck cos there's always bills to pay.

Lately, I've been thinking of giving my family a yearly vacation experience. I can't do that on my salary. So I've been gaining new skills and researching on other sources of legit income so I can fund these dreams.

I don't understand how my husband doesn't feel any sense of shame. Maybe cos I always said to him that we are a team and what belongs to one belongs to all.

RichGal:
Hello everyone

Long post alert.

I feel like I'm burning out. I have been married to a guy I think I'm crazy in love with for 6 years plus. We got 2 kids.

I have been solely responsible for the bills, I mean every single bill. From houserent, to school fees, to car maintenance, to feeding and toiletries.

I have been very patient with my husband cos I'm not a materialistic woman. I really don't attach much value to money, it's just a tool to achieve required stuff.

Here's the issue. My husband is an unambitious person with no personal goals.
When we were dating, I always pushed him to achieve more and I felt since I was the ambitious one, I could always motivate him, so long as he was willing to be motivated.

But now, after all these years and two kids, I AM TIRED.

My ATM card is mostly with him, all he knows to do is spend, spend, spend while I work, work, work,plan,plan,plan and save, save, save.

I feel he has no understanding of responsibility and he has become so comfortable with me wearing these shoes.

I always have to push my personal needs aside and think of the family first.

Now I'm at a point where I'm just waiting for the kids to be grown and then I'll leave him. I don't even know sef. I feel emotionally neglected. I feel resentful. I feel all these things cos I can't walk out of this marriage cos of my Christian beliefs, my children, and maybe cos a part of me still loves him.

But, I feel myself growing apart from him daily. Sometimes, I feel I would have done way better if I wasn't married to him. I feel burdened.

If I could have an affair to maintain some form of mental stability I would, but I can't. I think he knows this so he feels confident that I ain't going no where but I'll shock him.

I'm just tired of taking care of everyone without being taken care of. I keep pouring out and giving

We look like the picture perfect couple. We are both very attractive, young looking and have great chemistry but that's all there is to it.

I can't even remember the last time we both had a meaningful conversation on an intellectual level cos while I'm all about self development, dude is all about whatever he is all about.

I really don't know. I'm really sad and getting to my threshold.

I really understand how you must be feeling... So, many ladies are fast finding themselves in this type of situation nowadays. So bad that your husband is not manning up.
Please focus on taking good care of the kids for now... May God guide you cos this kain matter dey tie gele

RichGal:
I don't understand how my husband doesn't feel any sense of shame. Maybe cos I always said to him that we are a team and what belongs to one belongs to all.

Why does your husband have your card if he does not bring money to the family? Is this an exercise in caressing his ego on your part?

Your husband seem to be very okay with you being the head.
There are men like that.

Kobojunkie:
Fixing another human being is never a good idea, so... I do understand what you mean you say you are exhausted, so why not consider no longer carrying all the weight by yourself anymore?

1. Get marriage counselor involved to help you and your husband review your current arrangement and come to a new resolution that has him carrying some of the burden you have had to carry all by yourself till now...

2. Visit a mental health therapist so as to help you dig down to reason why you feel you are to serve as mother - fixer - to your own husband. I believe that by discovering the root of that for yourself, you can begin to leg go of the need to hold it all up by yourself.

3. Give yourself a break as often as you can. If you already mentally exhausted only 6 years ago, what will the picture of your health look like by the time you are 20 years into it, assuming you never collapse finish by then?

Thanks alot.

The answer to number 2 would be cos I lost my mum at a young age and had to be responsible for my younger sister and basically grow up quickly. My responsible, I don't mean financially cos dad was alive and rich but I grew up in a polygamous home where there was sibling rivalry and I learnt too early to be very protective of those I love.

I think I need to find a way to let the pastor in church know cos he is a beloved, deligent and "responsible" church worker. I think he will make a change for real if they are aware of his lack of responsibility towards his family.

Atleast, you now have a first hand experience of how it feels to be a provider(man). Woe betides any wife that treats her hardworking husband with dishonor.

Kobojunkie:
Why does your husband have your card if he does not bring money to the family? Is this an exercise in caressing his ego on your part?

If a housewife (who doesn’t bring money to the family) can have her husband’s card, I don’t see reason why the househusband cannot. As long as he plays his role as a househusband.

Kobojunkie:
Why does your husband have your card if he does not bring money to the family? Is this an exercise in caressing his ego on your part?

Maybe it is. Also, I've always believed in total transparency in marriage. We had a joint account when he had a source of income.

RichGal:


Hi Donpenny

Thanks. I can't afford to be less ambitious. I have a responsibility to my family.

I have a job that should be referred to as well paid but I realised I seem to be living from paycheck to paycheck cos there's always bills to pay.

Lately, I've been thinking of giving my family a yearly vacation experience. I can't do that on my salary. So I've been gaining new skills and researching on other sources of legit income so I can fund these dreams.

I don't understand how my husband doesn't feel any sense of shame. Maybe cos I always said to him that we are a team and what belongs to one belongs to all.

yes i understand but what i meant is to prioritise things, treat those most pressing one and always remember your health and sanity is very crucial. As for the paycheck to paycheck, if possible get a passive income preferably a digital skill can do that for you. I do know which part of the country you are i would have introduce to one or two which ever you can combine with ur current job. The truth is that thing are generally hard at the moment for almost every Nigerian. It is well. Just hang in their dear

RichGal:
1. The answer to number 2 would be cos I lost my mum at a young age and had to be responsible for my younger sister and basically grow up quickly. My responsible, I don't mean financially cos dad was alive and rich but I grew up in a polygamous home where there was sibling rivalry and I learnt too early to be very protective of those I love.

2. I think I need to find a way to let the pastor in church know cos he is a beloved, deligent and "responsible" church worker. I think he will make a change for real if they are aware of his lack of responsibility towards his family.

1. Being protective of a loved one is one thing, fixing him/her up is another issue entirely. You express frustration at the fact that your husband is not ambitious even though you met him that way and it seems that frustration is part reason for your exhaustion too. So, please do not ignore the professional mental health therapy suggestion abeg. You need to dig down to the bottom of the frustration so you can become free and begin to enjoy life as you ought to.

2. Do not get pastors tangled up in your personal issues abeg. Those men are unqualified as counselors, mental and otherwise.

Also, "shaming" your husband by reporting him to outsiders isn't always a good approach to fixing folks. You are more likely to create animosity between you and your loved ones by that approach.. you can however change your own approach to dealing with them instead and renegotiating your marriage agreement is a good place to start.

Mariangeles:
If a housewife (who doesn’t bring money to the family) can have her husband’s card, I don’t see reason why the househusband cannot. As long as he plays his role as a househusband.

If, but not all housewives have their husbands cards. Some are only given an allowance. OP here says her husband almost always has her ATM card and all he does is spend, spend, spend, but not necessarily on household needs.

RichGal:
Maybe it is. Also, I've always believed in total transparency in marriage. We had a joint account when he had a source of income.

Explain what you mean by total transparency and what that really has to do with your husband having your ATM card to do with as he pleases... spend, spend, spend.... according to you.

Donpenny:
yes i understand but what i meant is to prioritise things, treat those most pressing one and always remember your health and sanity is very crucial. As for the paycheck to paycheck, if possible get a passive income preferably a digital skill can do that for you. I do know which part of the country you are i would have introduce to one or two which ever you can combine with ur current job. The truth is that thing are generally hard at the moment for almost every Nigerian. It is well. Just hang in their dear

Dear DonPenny

Thank you very much. I'd really appreciate your suggestion on the additional sources of income.

Maybe if I actually earned enough to cater for all our needs, I wouldn't feel so resentful.

Mariangeles:
Your husband seem to be very okay with you being the head.
There are men like that.

That's because he's a lazy fellow.
No dreams, no ambition and no intention of taking charge.
He's just lucky he's married to this kind of woman

Kobojunkie:
If, but not all housewives have their husbands cards. Some are only given an allowance. OP here says her husband almost always has her ATM card and all he does is spend, spend, spend, but not necessarily on household needs.

No, he spends on household needs. But because I do the earning, I always know how to plan within budget and negotiate better.

He on the other hand doesn't mind purchasing what isn't needed. I have had to tell him that he can't expect me to pay whatever obligations he pledged in church.

But then if I get a commission from a business referral, I share the proceeds by giving him a percentage so he at least has funds to cater to personal needs.

My husband has a weakness with being consistent and goal oriented. I didn't have a problem helping him stay on course but now I do cos I don't feel like this is a partnership anymore.

I don't really feel he adds any value to me and I don't really look up to him and it makes me sad.

RichGal:


No, he spends on household needs. But because I do the earning, I always know how to plan within budget and negotiate better.

He on the other hand doesn't mind purchasing what isn't needed. I have had to tell him that he can't expect me to pay whatever obligations he pledged in church.

But then if I get a commission from a business referral, I share the proceeds by giving him a percentage so he at least has funds to cater to personal needs.

My husband has a weakness with being consistent and goal oriented. I didn't have a problem helping him stay on course but now I do cos I don't feel like this is a partnership anymore.

I don't really feel he adds any value to me and I don't really look up to him and it makes me sad.

What attracted you to him in the first place?

obo389:

That's because he's a lazy fellow.
No dreams, no ambition and no intention of taking charge.
He's just lucky he's married to this kind of woman

It is not okay to live like that.
Not as a man or a woman.

RichGal:
1. He on the other hand doesn't mind purchasing what isn't needed. I have had to tell him that he can't expect me to pay whatever obligations he pledged in church. But then if I get a commission from a business referral, I share the proceeds by giving him a percentage so he at least has funds to cater to personal needs.

2. My husband has a weakness with being consistent and goal oriented. I didn't have a problem helping him stay on course but now I do cos I don't feel like this is a partnership anymore. I don't really feel he adds any value to me and I don't really look up to him and it makes me sad.

1. So his having your ATM isn't really an issue then?

2. So the one who has changed is you, not your husband, am I right? You carried him all this while and are now tired of carrying him is what you keep saying. Also, from your post it seems you never really did have to look up to him before now but your expectations have changed and hence your frustrations.

I really think you need to do things differently in order that you become less frustrated and begin enjoying your union as it is to that end that I suggested you seek professional marriage counseling and professional mental health therapy as well.

Kobojunkie:
If, but not all housewives have their husbands cards. Some are only given an allowance. OP here says her husband almost always has her ATM card and all he does is spend, spend, spend, but not necessarily on household needs.

Maybe she leaves it with him because he runs the errands.

Mariangeles:
Maybe she leaves it with him because he runs the errands.

It seems so now.

obo389:

That's because he's a lazy fellow. No dreams, no ambition and no intention of taking charge.
He's just lucky he's married to this kind of woman

That is not entirely true. Just as you have have women who are coded that way you are bound to have men who are the same. It isn't necessarily the case that they are lazy but simply that they find it hard going against what is their base programming without some external push from others and this can be frustrating to those who don't understand them.

Kobojunkie:
It seems so now.

If he doesn’t give her problems (like keeping side chicks and all) and respects her, she should learn to accept him and keep on encouraging him.
After all, she knew him to be that way before agreeing to marry him.

Kobojunkie:
1. So his having your ATM isn't really an issue then?

2. So the one who has changed is you, not your husband, am I right? You carried him all this while and are now tired of carrying him is what you keep saying. Also, from your post it seems you never really did have to look up to him before now but your expectations have changed and hence your frustrations.

I really think you need to do things differently in order that you become less frustrated and begin enjoying your union as it is to that end that I suggested you seek professional marriage counseling and professional mental health therapy as well.

Hmmm. You know, you actually have a way of making me see things as they are. Are you a counselor?

1. I actually don't. I don't mind caring for my family. However, I would like my husband to show he cared by relieving me off the burden when he sees I'm overwhelmed.

2. I guess you're right. I also expected that he'd grow up. Taking responsibility ought to come with the marriage territory right?

Women are not built to provide, you're going against your nature and it's taking its toll. I would say you tell him this and let him know that you are not providing for him anymore.

For now, cover the bills such as rent, school fees and do 1 monthly food shop. Take back your card and put an end to his free ride.

Once he has to ask and beg for some money then he'll feel the shame and look for his own money then you can slowly transfer more responsibility on him.

Try to stop enabling his behaviour first, and it won't be easy for you too so be gentle on yourself. Open a savings account and deposit a nice sum of money in there and live off what is left. Show him the pain of living on a low budget so he could appreciate the money.

You've enabled this behaviour and only you can put an end to it. Let him see the cupboards empty, his pockets empty and nobody will tell him to go and look for money. If he tries to fight you instead of looking for money then you might have to think about separation. Kicking him out and making him feel the consequences of his actions is the only solution.

you woman ! I laugh at you so much here. you are naive and not wise. keep doing all you're doing so you can be called a good woman, by the time life takes you unaware your eyes will clear like nepa light .

be there pampering that man who is clearly taking advantage of your kindness for granted. have you asked yourself who would take care of the kids in case of unfortunate events or future trials ? can your husband live up to the task? your children will be neglected if they are left under the care of your husband .

I feel like removing your eyes and replaced it with lens so you can see the truth. . you will suffer for nothing cos your husband cannot change . you provide everything so why should he change ?

better plan your life and your kids well... stop giving the houseband money . he has legs and hands , he should go and fend for himself .

RichGal:
Hmmm. You know, you actually have a way of making me see things as they are. Are you a counselor?

1. I actually don't. I don't mind caring for my family. However, I would like my husband to show he cared by relieving me off the burden when he sees I'm overwhelmed.

2. I guess you're right. I also expected that he'd grow up. Taking responsibility ought to come with the marriage territory right?

I am not a counselor

1. In your understanding of what marriage is, and considering the way you live yours, do you go about believing your husband is "head" over the wife aka wife submits to husband?

2. How old was this man when you met him? How was his life before you met him and maybe while you two were dating?

Taking responsibility in marriage is interpreted in different ways by different folks and I think you first need to clearly understand your partner to know what that should mean for the two of you.