₦airaland Forum

NLElder:
First of all don't be quick to judge me. I am just here for matured help/advice cos I am fast loosing it. I am sure if it's abroad I will to told to go meet a therapist.

I am a young man in my early 40s and married for 9 years now with 2 kids. My nature of work is such that I am living on another town 5hours away from my family. This has been the case 6years out of the 9 years I am married. I have never really enjoyed my marriage as a young man cos I am always driving up and down every weekend to meet my family and when I got a promotion with more responsibility I reduced it to every 2 weeks, and as the stress of work and driving became more stressful, I now go every month. I have tried all my best even till date to see if I can get another work in the same state my wife and kids reside to no avail and my wife can't leave her work in the state join me as she is in a federal government establishment that has no branch in the state I live and work.

The scenario so far shows you that I am not enjoying a healthy sex life with my wife, but being someone brought up to respect the marriage institution, I have resigned to my fate and taken life as I have seen it. To make matters worse, with due respect to my wife, she suffered female genital mutilation and you know it affects women's sex life and their man is always worse off for it. In summary we lead a routine boring sex life in the few occasions we even get to have it. However, the 6 years I have lived and worked in another state, I have never cheated or thought of cheating on her despite all the cold lonely nights I have to spend alone. I am a kind of introvert and never hide it from people that I am married. Some will be like "u no get side chick"? I will say no.

The problem started 4 years earlier out of the 6years in the city I live and work. Since I am always lonely and bored in my crib, I mostly do video calls with my wife and kids daily or chat online with friends to keep my mind busy and avoid unnecessary tensions that will remind me of the lonely boring life I was living. This also keeps me away from sexual urges if I feel any as a fool-blooded young man I was. It was in one of these online chats that I got close to one young lady of about 30. We really got close through chatting and graduated to exchanging numbers. I always make it known that I was married to everyone I meet and she was no exception. We became best friends online and kept our limits as married man and a single lady would. We became curious and excited to meet each other live when we found out we were in same city.

We arranged a harmless date in a restaurant in town were we really got to know more about each other. I found out that she was a struggling young girl teaching in a private school with NCE and was unable to proceed to degree level due to lack of funds. Her salary wasn't even up to 18k and she was squatting with one lady in very uncomfortable circumstances. After that 1st live meeting, a very good friendship ensued but entirely platonic .

All these past 4 years before I met her, I cook for myself and go to market by myself. One Friday she called and I did not immediately pick cos I was in the kitchen. I called her back later and told her I was cooking and she jokingly asked if she could help. As at then she was yet to come to my place, so I told her if she really wanted to help then I would come and pick her up and that was how for the first time in 4 years, a lady visited me in that town. It felt awkward. It did not take long for me to find out how homely she was...washed plates, tidied everywhere, and finished up the cooking. I really felt at peace and started getting worried at the same time. We spent time chatting but kept our distance and nothing happened between us and I dropped her off later where she was squatting.

After that, our friendship went to another level and the visits became more frequent but still nothing happened between us. I got to know she was a well brought up lady that still had values and I also confirmed she had no man as at the time she met me. She said she had always wished to be married before now and never believed she would reach 30 and still be single.

I know my story is getting rather long, so let me try to wrap up. In summary, she started having issues with the family she was squatting with and didn't have enough money to rent a place of her own. I didn't have enough to rent for her either as I was already carrying a lot of financial responsibilities for her by then...monthly stipend of ₦10k to add to her salary, tolletries, making hairs and even helping out with her sick mum hospital bills.

So without a 2nd thought, both of us decided she move into my place. Inside me I knew it was somehow but I think by then we were already in love with each but maybe living in denial.

So she moved in and that was it. Yes, we started having sex, uncomfortably at 1st but later became 2 sex maniacs. It was as if she was sent to compensate me for my horrible marriage sex experience I have endured all these years. We couldn't have enough of each other. In fact when I want to travel and see my family, she breaks down crying. I knew it was more than a side chick matter. In fact this lady gave me a fulfilled sex life that I swear if it's in the olden days I wouldn't mind taking her as a 2nd wife. Months grew into years and our passion for each other grew to the point that we got jealous of the opposite sex calling us. She even starts frowning when my wife calls or tears will start running down her eyes. People, I became so confused. We both knew we have gone too far and yet were not ready to end it.

I even because part of her own family cos I go with her to see her sick mum and played a prominent role when she died. I don't know her older siblings knew if I was married or not , but I think she confided in her older sister who seemed to like me so much and only warned her to be "careful."

After 2 years, she started agitating about marriage so much that she said she needed to move out of my place. That as long as she is with me, she might not get married since it's obvious I wasn't going to marry her no matter how much both of us pretended about it. Deep inside me I knew she was right and I couldn't be selfish to keep her from meeting single suitors but I felt an inexplicable pain in my heart as if a part of me was about to be cut off. However, I forced myself to assist her to get a place and yet she on her own kept coming to my place every weekend until she moved in again leaving her place wasting for over 2 months., only going there once in a while to pick things..

All the 2 years we were together she was open and truthful to me about relationships she was now trying to build with single guys she hoped would marry her. I was already feeling bad inside me that she was about to leave my life, but she kept assuring me that she was with me and truly told me everything happeneing in the new relationship she was building.

She later moved out completely from my place after 2years on a new year day. She said needed to start the year on a good and clean note and had gotten serious with the guy that said he wants to marry her. I began to feel extreme jealous I couldn't explain. I knew it was not right but I couldn't stop myself. I tried my best and stopped calling or chatting with her but I still didn't find peace. One evening a month after when it was now clear that she has decided to get serious with the guy she said was coming for marriage, she visited me and and you can't believe it, we made hot passionate love. And when we were lying side by side, her new man called and she quickly ran into the toilet to answer him. I felt it was time I ended this whole thing, it wasn't looking right again.

So I confronted her why she was still leading me on when she is now in a marriage -bound relationship and she said because she still loves me and doesn't know how to let go of me. We cried together that it wiould be tough as we would soon separate from each other for life and she left. I cried like a baby as we made love again and she consoling me to try and teach my wife the things she does to me despite her FGM predicament.

The period she was with me, she was uncomfortable answering calls from her man and I got fed up and decided to investigate. So I went to the street where she showed me the guy lives(she was truly open to me and I give her that) and waited to see if she has started visiting him as she mostly denies and lo and behold, I saw her entering the guy's house. I felt a sharp pang of jealousy which I couldn't control. I picked up my phone after some minutes and started calling her, but her phone rang severally and she didn't pick. I was almost half-dead with jealousy. I cried iny heart and drove away. I sent her a text that because she was "enjoying" herself with her man she was now avoiding my calls. That maybe tbe guy was so good at it. She called about 2 hours later and really took offence that because she visited him and did not pick my call was simply because she doesn't want him to start asking questions and not necessarily that they were doing anything.

We quarrelled like never before and said hurtful things to each other and I asked her to return my key at my office the next day cos by then she no longer visited my house as she has really gotten serious with the guy. She returned the key and for over 2 months we stopped communicating and became strangers.

Instead of pushing her out my mind, I felt a daily torture looking through her Facebook pics, WhatsApp status, and other social media. I will go to her guy's street and painfully watch her enter his house from afar. I was fast losing my mind. I knew it was over for good and don't want her back but the obsession is yet to leave me till date. Everyday, I check her pictures and feels pangs of pain and jealousy as I see her lovely smiles. My people it's punishment and torture for me. I keep obsessing every second of my life about her. Who can help me? Something is definitely wrong. In one of her recent status, I saw her flaunt her hands with an engagement ring and I felt a sharp pang of sadness instead of happiness. People help me I am loosing it. Even though she has apologized to me and I too have apologized for the hurtful things we said in the course of our quarrel, my mind is still not at peace.

Even now presently she is engaged she still calls me and tries to engage me in friendly conversations but I will just be answering without interest. She even sent me a pic recently at a wedding she went to and I told her she should stop sending me her pics but should be sending to her man. She apologized and said she has taken note. Yet, I will feel bad inside me if I don't see her friendly chats which my attitude has made her reduce. Yet in all these, first thing in the morning I will quickly rush to check her pics, if she has made new posts, etc etc. I need help, I really do. Sorry my people for the long post but I really needed to empty myself to see the help I can get if any cos I want my normal sane life back. I have also prayed to God and asked for forgiveness for cheating on my wife ....I have no excuses for doing so but from the long story you can see it was never my intention.

I wanna ask you this. Do you still communicate with your wife like before? Has this ordeal affected the way you see and love your wife? Cos I'm afraid that you might not remain happy again.

What I would have advised you to do is.... Bro .. it might sound somehow but what would have happened if you married her as a second wife? Yes I know your wife won't have any of that but this is where being a man comes into play. You will explain to your wife what the distance is doing to your marriage and you can't seem to work your way around it hence you decided to have someone else.

I might be overthinking here cos I'm not the person this thing has happened to but there are alot of men having second wives this days and marriage is still going on good.

You might not remain the same again. Though time might be an ultimate factor to get over this but will you ever be happy again?

Return to your online video chats, meet new babes and you go dey alright. You will get over her soon...

this is one of the disadvantages of couples not living together

djon78:
Rosy in a sexless marriage?

It's already a very big problem for the op

Talk better when you are in his shoes

we all have our bad sides basically in all we do, relying on the flaws of others as bases for our mistakes is really a bad one for that other person or partner, as would be the case if done to us...
the op never said the marriage is completely sexless, so the half baked self drive of his wife is something that can be dealt with... I'm sure the op was fully aware of this before going on to the next level with her (his wife)...
I do not need to be in someone's shoes to be able to identify a wrong...

Op even if this ur story runs into 3pages i will read all with keen interest cos I had a similar experience. I am a kind of cool headed guy who never even had a girl friend till I graduated from the Uni. I was more focused on my studies back then. In my case, she(d lady in qsn) was pushed into marriage to a guy she felt could take better care of her financially as at then. I annoyingly got married to another lady, and we lost touch. Few years later, she realised her mistakes. she called, apologized for hurting me, I forgave her but there was no way we can be together again. Now married but She is not really happy in her marriage so I am.She has confessed this to me many times. We were both putting up with our spouses. There is this undying inner love between us which we have been fighting to subdue but.... currently we live in different cities, each time I visit d state where she stays with her husband for biz, she wil be trying to fix an appointment, but I will keep on giving her flimsy excuses cos I know it may end up in sex. We may not be strong to hold our bodies. Its not about lust, i have a genuine feeling for her, its just that we are both married.

I have warned her on several occasions to face her marriage while I face mine. But one way or the other we will still end up talking to each other. The truth is that I feel more happy talking to her than even my wife. I love her far more than I love my wife; it is exactly same with her, but its rather late. I have lived with this emotional torture for over six years now. She is my dream lady and am like her dream man whose peer pressure took from her.She wants me and I want her but it cant happen and I am left no option but move on less it ends in shameless adultery.

So Op, no matter how hard it seems, let it be, move on or it may cost you ur marriage !!!

Alvino1:
we all have our bad sides basically in all we do, relying on the flaws of others as bases for our mistakes is really a bad one for that other person or partner, as would be the case if done to us...
the op never said the marriage is completely sexless, so the half baked self drive of his wife is something that can be dealt with... I'm sure the op was fully aware of this before going on to the next level with her (his wife)...
I do not need to be in someone's shoes to be able to identify a wrong...

Not at all

Have you been in a sexless marriage before

Do you know what these people feel at all

The problem with many humans is that they judge things from an ignorant position

Until you get in his shoes
You won't understand

See trouble OOO!
Men are the architect of their downfall.
After a peaceful fornication you still want to mess up yourself .

In fact, "u are mumu man"

Then I guess true love does exist. You ruined it, divorce isn't new, you could have divorced your wife and married her instead, I'm sure she will follow you anywhere.
Your wife might not be surprised cause she might have a side nigga somewhere too.

Life is too short to live in pain, if you still want her, go for her with all your might.
If not, let her go bro.

U need igbo and shayo!!!!!!!!

Really

djon78:
Not at all

Have you been in a sexless marriage before

Do you know what these people feel at all

The problem with many humans is that they judge things from an ignorant position

Until you get in his shoes
You won't understand

respectfully sir, there is no way you can make me believe that everyone in suck kinda marriages acts in like manners... to me you are just trying to create an avenue for the justification of his actions or rather the actions of the few persons who acts in such manner... now my questions is, will your position be the same if the reverse where to be the same?? I mean if the OP's wife was to be the one in his shoes in a society like ours, let's say on grounds that the OP is a one minute man
and how do you know I'm not in such kinda marriage myself?? the problem with many humans isn't judging from an "ignorant" position alone, the problem is also making rules and principles that we cannot withstand if they come against us....
I may be in that shoes myself, and trust me, I understand, hence my previous position....

Bukola94:
sex make or break marriage 96percent

Lol . You are right Boss .
I left that 15% for finance , child bearing, character flaw ( disrespect, lies , over drinking ) etc.

Op make God punish you there for making me read all this long epistle web you for just open mouth tell us how unfaithful you've been in your marriage.

NLElder:
First of all don't be quick to judge me. I am just here for matured help/advice cos I am fast loosing it. I am sure if it's abroad I will to told to go meet a therapist.

I am a young man in my early 40s and married for 9 years now with 2 kids. My nature of work is such that I am living on another town 5hours away from my family. This has been the case 6years out of the 9 years I am married. I have never really enjoyed my marriage as a young man cos I am always driving up and down every weekend to meet my family and when I got a promotion with more responsibility I reduced it to every 2 weeks, and as the stress of work and driving became more stressful, I now go every month. I have tried all my best even till date to see if I can get another work in the same state my wife and kids reside to no avail and my wife can't leave her work in the state join me as she is in a federal government establishment that has no branch in the state I live and work.

The scenario so far shows you that I am not enjoying a healthy sex life with my wife, but being someone brought up to respect the marriage institution, I have resigned to my fate and taken life as I have seen it. To make matters worse, with due respect to my wife, she suffered female genital mutilation and you know it affects women's sex life and their man is always worse off for it. In summary we lead a routine boring sex life in the few occasions we even get to have it. However, the 6 years I have lived and worked in another state, I have never cheated or thought of cheating on her despite all the cold lonely nights I have to spend alone. I am a kind of introvert and never hide it from people that I am married. Some will be like "u no get side chick"? I will say no.

The problem started 4 years earlier out of the 6years in the city I live and work. Since I am always lonely and bored in my crib, I mostly do video calls with my wife and kids daily or chat online with friends to keep my mind busy and avoid unnecessary tensions that will remind me of the lonely boring life I was living. This also keeps me away from sexual urges if I feel any as a fool-blooded young man I was. It was in one of these online chats that I got close to one young lady of about 30. We really got close through chatting and graduated to exchanging numbers. I always make it known that I was married to everyone I meet and she was no exception. We became best friends online and kept our limits as married man and a single lady would. We became curious and excited to meet each other live when we found out we were in same city.

We arranged a harmless date in a restaurant in town were we really got to know more about each other. I found out that she was a struggling young girl teaching in a private school with NCE and was unable to proceed to degree level due to lack of funds. Her salary wasn't even up to 18k and she was squatting with one lady in very uncomfortable circumstances. After that 1st live meeting, a very good friendship ensued but entirely platonic .

All these past 4 years before I met her, I cook for myself and go to market by myself. One Friday she called and I did not immediately pick cos I was in the kitchen. I called her back later and told her I was cooking and she jokingly asked if she could help. As at then she was yet to come to my place, so I told her if she really wanted to help then I would come and pick her up and that was how for the first time in 4 years, a lady visited me in that town. It felt awkward. It did not take long for me to find out how homely she was...washed plates, tidied everywhere, and finished up the cooking. I really felt at peace and started getting worried at the same time. We spent time chatting but kept our distance and nothing happened between us and I dropped her off later where she was squatting.

After that, our friendship went to another level and the visits became more frequent but still nothing happened between us. I got to know she was a well brought up lady that still had values and I also confirmed she had no man as at the time she met me. She said she had always wished to be married before now and never believed she would reach 30 and still be single.

I know my story is getting rather long, so let me try to wrap up. In summary, she started having issues with the family she was squatting with and didn't have enough money to rent a place of her own. I didn't have enough to rent for her either as I was already carrying a lot of financial responsibilities for her by then...monthly stipend of ₦10k to add to her salary, tolletries, making hairs and even helping out with her sick mum hospital bills.

So without a 2nd thought, both of us decided she move into my place. Inside me I knew it was somehow but I think by then we were already in love with each but maybe living in denial.

So she moved in and that was it. Yes, we started having sex, uncomfortably at 1st but later became 2 sex maniacs. It was as if she was sent to compensate me for my horrible marriage sex experience I have endured all these years. We couldn't have enough of each other. In fact when I want to travel and see my family, she breaks down crying. I knew it was more than a side chick matter. In fact this lady gave me a fulfilled sex life that I swear if it's in the olden days I wouldn't mind taking her as a 2nd wife. Months grew into years and our passion for each other grew to the point that we got jealous of the opposite sex calling us. She even starts frowning when my wife calls or tears will start running down her eyes. People, I became so confused. We both knew we have gone too far and yet were not ready to end it.

I even because part of her own family cos I go with her to see her sick mum and played a prominent role when she died. I don't know her older siblings knew if I was married or not , but I think she confided in her older sister who seemed to like me so much and only warned her to be "careful."

After 2 years, she started agitating about marriage so much that she said she needed to move out of my place. That as long as she is with me, she might not get married since it's obvious I wasn't going to marry her no matter how much both of us pretended about it. Deep inside me I knew she was right and I couldn't be selfish to keep her from meeting single suitors but I felt an inexplicable pain in my heart as if a part of me was about to be cut off. However, I forced myself to assist her to get a place and yet she on her own kept coming to my place every weekend until she moved in again leaving her place wasting for over 2 months., only going there once in a while to pick things..

All the 2 years we were together she was open and truthful to me about relationships she was now trying to build with single guys she hoped would marry her. I was already feeling bad inside me that she was about to leave my life, but she kept assuring me that she was with me and truly told me everything happeneing in the new relationship she was building.

She later moved out completely from my place after 2years on a new year day. She said needed to start the year on a good and clean note and had gotten serious with the guy that said he wants to marry her. I began to feel extreme jealous I couldn't explain. I knew it was not right but I couldn't stop myself. I tried my best and stopped calling or chatting with her but I still didn't find peace. One evening a month after when it was now clear that she has decided to get serious with the guy she said was coming for marriage, she visited me and and you can't believe it, we made hot passionate love. And when we were lying side by side, her new man called and she quickly ran into the toilet to answer him. I felt it was time I ended this whole thing, it wasn't looking right again.

So I confronted her why she was still leading me on when she is now in a marriage -bound relationship and she said because she still loves me and doesn't know how to let go of me. We cried together that it wiould be tough as we would soon separate from each other for life and she left. I cried like a baby as we made love again and she consoling me to try and teach my wife the things she does to me despite her FGM predicament.

The period she was with me, she was uncomfortable answering calls from her man and I got fed up and decided to investigate. So I went to the street where she showed me the guy lives(she was truly open to me and I give her that) and waited to see if she has started visiting him as she mostly denies and lo and behold, I saw her entering the guy's house. I felt a sharp pang of jealousy which I couldn't control. I picked up my phone after some minutes and started calling her, but her phone rang severally and she didn't pick. I was almost half-dead with jealousy. I cried iny heart and drove away. I sent her a text that because she was "enjoying" herself with her man she was now avoiding my calls. That maybe tbe guy was so good at it. She called about 2 hours later and really took offence that because she visited him and did not pick my call was simply because she doesn't want him to start asking questions and not necessarily that they were doing anything.

We quarrelled like never before and said hurtful things to each other and I asked her to return my key at my office the next day cos by then she no longer visited my house as she has really gotten serious with the guy. She returned the key and for over 2 months we stopped communicating and became strangers.

Instead of pushing her out my mind, I felt a daily torture looking through her Facebook pics, WhatsApp status, and other social media. I will go to her guy's street and painfully watch her enter his house from afar. I was fast losing my mind. I knew it was over for good and don't want her back but the obsession is yet to leave me till date. Everyday, I check her pictures and feels pangs of pain and jealousy as I see her lovely smiles. My people it's punishment and torture for me. I keep obsessing every second of my life about her. Who can help me? Something is definitely wrong. In one of her recent status, I saw her flaunt her hands with an engagement ring and I felt a sharp pang of sadness instead of happiness. People help me I am loosing it. Even though she has apologized to me and I too have apologized for the hurtful things we said in the course of our quarrel, my mind is still not at peace.

Even now presently she is engaged she still calls me and tries to engage me in friendly conversations but I will just be answering without interest. She even sent me a pic recently at a wedding she went to and I told her she should stop sending me her pics but should be sending to her man. She apologized and said she has taken note. Yet, I will feel bad inside me if I don't see her friendly chats which my attitude has made her reduce. Yet in all these, first thing in the morning I will quickly rush to check her pics, if she has made new posts, etc etc. I need help, I really do. Sorry my people for the long post but I really needed to empty myself to see the help I can get if any cos I want my normal sane life back. I have also prayed to God and asked for forgiveness for cheating on my wife ....I have no excuses for doing so but from the long story you can see it was never my intention.

i av to talk with you privately,send me your watsapp number 08050261602

Alvino1:
respectfully sir, there is no way you can make me believe that everyone in suck kinda marriages acts in like manners... to me you are just trying to create an avenue for the justification of his actions or rather the actions of the few persons who acts in such manner... now my questions is, will your position be the same if the reverse where to be the same?? I mean if the OP's wife was to be the one in his shoes in a society like ours, let's say on grounds that the OP is a one minute man
and how do you know I'm not in such kinda marriage myself?? the problem with many humans isn't judging from an "ignorant" position alone, the problem is also making rules and principles that we cannot withstand if they come against us....
I may be in that shoes myself, and trust me, I understand, hence my previous position....

Not at all
You are not speaking from that position

What this guy went through is just because of where he found himself in marriage

Many married men you see sleeping around never planned such from beginning

But because of the condition they found themselves in they get entangled

There is this statement that I used to see on this forum in the past that many singles have much plenty sex than married people

I thought it was just deception

But from what I found at
It seems like there is fact to it.

Many men during there single days denied themselves from sleeping around hoping that in marriage they will be fulfilled sexually
Only to find out that in marriage, they get nothing or even if it comes. Just there

So some of such men that can't cope, now result to sleeping around

Nawa ooo! If it's a woman that did all these they will snap her and enlarge the picture ah!
You were just fu*king another lady and you are even jealous of her moving on. Oga you are shameless

I have experienced something very similar only my situation was that of a single man in love with a woman getting married to another man.
It was sweet and terrible. I understand perfectly! And I swear that the sharp pain to the heart (as if a spear was thrusted in to your heart) is very real. I felt the pain for long (several days, I can't count) but here I am. Now married with my own family and very happy. I am sure she is happy too! Though we still talk on phone and chat once in a blue moon but we never get to see eye-to-eye even though we live close to each other. About 14years now...
The lesson learnt... is love alone is not enough to take you through relationship or marriage. It's like trying to build a house and using only sand in the absence of cement. It's all gonna crumble sooner or later.
At least you put the basic things into consideration before embarking on a relationship journey and also calculate you gains and losses.

Actually, you lost nothing. You should be happy she has left you and about to be married. Otherwise, you will impregnate her and she will refuse to abort it. That will put you in a shameful situation before your wife and ditch you in a terrible position when she becomes a second wife.
The solution to your predicament is another hot side chick. If you take my advice,make sure you don't fall in love with the new girl.

Ninisun:
You go call am simp cus you haven't experienced being in love or truly loved by someone for a long time. Op it's not your fault jare, na the economy cause all these living apart these days.

Ok so I've seen a lot of hypocritical comments passing judgement on him, calling him all sort of names like they're saints and can never fall. That's too bad, and i called some out. I like that you aren't passing judgement on him...

Having said that, op IS at fault. He CANNOT be 100% exonerated! He did cheat on his wife, for two solid years! See if we don't cast appropriate blame where it's required, we end up tolerating ourselves doing all sorts; and we won't grow!

Yes there's nobody above making mistakes. But things could yet have been done better. He should NEVER have let her move in with him. Shebi he later paid rent for her somewhere? Why not at first? And this lasted way too long, two solid years, that it now became an issue!

Also true that we all must be humble. Even all these very righteous ppl here too. We all can fall in more disastrous ways than he did, it's like these ppl dunno they're human. They may not fall in this way, but in some other way, that may be more shameful than what we read here, so long as they're human. This is why it's very foolish for a mere man to pass judgement on a fellow man like himself.

But nobody must be content with falling down. Admit to it: it's your fault. Find out why and where, and fix it! And become a much better version of yourself.

If you really want to move on Op , start by deleting her number (block her first on WhatsApp ) , unfriend and block her on every SM you have her as friend , engage yourself in something that will take your time , if after few months you noticed you can go weeks and not even think of her then you can unblock her but don’t add her back . Don’t call her either , if she tries reaching out on calls just ignore sometimes and pick sometimes , try to balance it so it won’t look somehow .
It’s difficult to let some ppl go but man you have a lot to loose than gain here , so do the needful. Do am ASAP!!!

I can understand what you feel, as introvert.

Since you're known by her sister, consider yourself as family friend, and let her introduce you to her fiancé as such.

More importantly, You have too much idle times. Get involved more in social activities, such as service units in church. That'll reduce the thought.

Engage your family in chats whenever you feels such urge.

The thought may not leave you completely, but it'll reduce.

djon78:
Not at all
You are not speaking from that position

What this guy went through is just because of where he found himself in marriage

Many married men you see sleeping around never planned such from beginning

But because of the condition they found themselves in they get entangled

There is this statement that I used to see on this forum in the past that many singles have much plenty sex than married people

I thought it was just deception

But from what I found at
It seems like there is fact to it.

Many men during there single days denied themselves from sleeping around hoping that in marriage they will be fulfilled sexually
Only to find out that in marriage, they get nothing or even if it comes. Just there

So some of such men that can't cope, now result to sleeping around

sir I think what you are trying to say is that if any man is found in this type of situation, the first thing to do is to understand the reasons for his actions, then subsequently give consent because it is not an easy one for him to deal with a marriage where one gets little or no sexual activeness or satisfaction, I'm talking about the issue of sexless marriage. assuming but not conceding that your position is apt, my question then is, will it be okay, if your wife of over 6 years with two kids gets involved with another man for a whole two years (I'm talking about 730 day) exactly the way the OP did, on grounds that you do not last in bed (one minute man) is this excuse also applicable to wives as well?? or it's is only applicable to husbands?
my position is simple, what ever that is applicable to the husband should also be applicable to the wife... I'm just simply saying do not do to others that which if done to you, you will not appreciate...
I mean you dated her for some time before u married her, you were fully aware of her sexual activeness before proceeding with her to the next level (marriage)...
sometimes we need to own up to our mistakes and stop looking for some anchor point or what have you... most people possesses attitudes they themselves are not even aware they posses... do you know why?? because an opportunity for exhibition of such attitude haven't surfaced yet... so before such opportunity comes up, they are saints, and even after the opportunity comes up and they act in such manners, it will come as a shock to them, they themselves won't believe that they actually exhibited such attitude.... give them sometime, it will repeat itself, again and again, until they come to terms with the fact that it is who they are.... at that point they can either opt for a change, or blame the devil if caught....
so respectfully sir, I respect your position, but I'm sorry I do not agree with it... thank you

NLElder:
First of all don't be quick to judge me. I am just here for matured help/advice cos I am fast loosing it. I am sure if it's abroad I will to told to go meet a therapist.

I am a young man in my early 40s and married for 9 years now with 2 kids. My nature of work is such that I am living on another town 5hours away from my family. This has been the case 6years out of the 9 years I am married. I have never really enjoyed my marriage as a young man cos I am always driving up and down every weekend to meet my family and when I got a promotion with more responsibility I reduced it to every 2 weeks, and as the stress of work and driving became more stressful, I now go every month. I have tried all my best even till date to see if I can get another work in the same state my wife and kids reside to no avail and my wife can't leave her work in the state join me as she is in a federal government establishment that has no branch in the state I live and work.

The scenario so far shows you that I am not enjoying a healthy sex life with my wife, but being someone brought up to respect the marriage institution, I have resigned to my fate and taken life as I have seen it. To make matters worse, with due respect to my wife, she suffered female genital mutilation and you know it affects women's sex life and their man is always worse off for it. In summary we lead a routine boring sex life in the few occasions we even get to have it. However, the 6 years I have lived and worked in another state, I have never cheated or thought of cheating on her despite all the cold lonely nights I have to spend alone. I am a kind of introvert and never hide it from people that I am married. Some will be like "u no get side chick"? I will say no.

The problem started 4 years earlier out of the 6years in the city I live and work. Since I am always lonely and bored in my crib, I mostly do video calls with my wife and kids daily or chat online with friends to keep my mind busy and avoid unnecessary tensions that will remind me of the lonely boring life I was living. This also keeps me away from sexual urges if I feel any as a fool-blooded young man I was. It was in one of these online chats that I got close to one young lady of about 30. We really got close through chatting and graduated to exchanging numbers. I always make it known that I was married to everyone I meet and she was no exception. We became best friends online and kept our limits as married man and a single lady would. We became curious and excited to meet each other live when we found out we were in same city.

We arranged a harmless date in a restaurant in town were we really got to know more about each other. I found out that she was a struggling young girl teaching in a private school with NCE and was unable to proceed to degree level due to lack of funds. Her salary wasn't even up to 18k and she was squatting with one lady in very uncomfortable circumstances. After that 1st live meeting, a very good friendship ensued but entirely platonic .

All these past 4 years before I met her, I cook for myself and go to market by myself. One Friday she called and I did not immediately pick cos I was in the kitchen. I called her back later and told her I was cooking and she jokingly asked if she could help. As at then she was yet to come to my place, so I told her if she really wanted to help then I would come and pick her up and that was how for the first time in 4 years, a lady visited me in that town. It felt awkward. It did not take long for me to find out how homely she was...washed plates, tidied everywhere, and finished up the cooking. I really felt at peace and started getting worried at the same time. We spent time chatting but kept our distance and nothing happened between us and I dropped her off later where she was squatting.

After that, our friendship went to another level and the visits became more frequent but still nothing happened between us. I got to know she was a well brought up lady that still had values and I also confirmed she had no man as at the time she met me. She said she had always wished to be married before now and never believed she would reach 30 and still be single.

I know my story is getting rather long, so let me try to wrap up. In summary, she started having issues with the family she was squatting with and didn't have enough money to rent a place of her own. I didn't have enough to rent for her either as I was already carrying a lot of financial responsibilities for her by then...monthly stipend of ₦10k to add to her salary, tolletries, making hairs and even helping out with her sick mum hospital bills.

So without a 2nd thought, both of us decided she move into my place. Inside me I knew it was somehow but I think by then we were already in love with each but maybe living in denial.

So she moved in and that was it. Yes, we started having sex, uncomfortably at 1st but later became 2 sex maniacs. It was as if she was sent to compensate me for my horrible marriage sex experience I have endured all these years. We couldn't have enough of each other. In fact when I want to travel and see my family, she breaks down crying. I knew it was more than a side chick matter. In fact this lady gave me a fulfilled sex life that I swear if it's in the olden days I wouldn't mind taking her as a 2nd wife. Months grew into years and our passion for each other grew to the point that we got jealous of the opposite sex calling us. She even starts frowning when my wife calls or tears will start running down her eyes. People, I became so confused. We both knew we have gone too far and yet were not ready to end it.

I even because part of her own family cos I go with her to see her sick mum and played a prominent role when she died. I don't know her older siblings knew if I was married or not , but I think she confided in her older sister who seemed to like me so much and only warned her to be "careful."

After 2 years, she started agitating about marriage so much that she said she needed to move out of my place. That as long as she is with me, she might not get married since it's obvious I wasn't going to marry her no matter how much both of us pretended about it. Deep inside me I knew she was right and I couldn't be selfish to keep her from meeting single suitors but I felt an inexplicable pain in my heart as if a part of me was about to be cut off. However, I forced myself to assist her to get a place and yet she on her own kept coming to my place every weekend until she moved in again leaving her place wasting for over 2 months., only going there once in a while to pick things..

All the 2 years we were together she was open and truthful to me about relationships she was now trying to build with single guys she hoped would marry her. I was already feeling bad inside me that she was about to leave my life, but she kept assuring me that she was with me and truly told me everything happeneing in the new relationship she was building.

She later moved out completely from my place after 2years on a new year day. She said needed to start the year on a good and clean note and had gotten serious with the guy that said he wants to marry her. I began to feel extreme jealous I couldn't explain. I knew it was not right but I couldn't stop myself. I tried my best and stopped calling or chatting with her but I still didn't find peace. One evening a month after when it was now clear that she has decided to get serious with the guy she said was coming for marriage, she visited me and and you can't believe it, we made hot passionate love. And when we were lying side by side, her new man called and she quickly ran into the toilet to answer him. I felt it was time I ended this whole thing, it wasn't looking right again.

So I confronted her why she was still leading me on when she is now in a marriage -bound relationship and she said because she still loves me and doesn't know how to let go of me. We cried together that it wiould be tough as we would soon separate from each other for life and she left. I cried like a baby as we made love again and she consoling me to try and teach my wife the things she does to me despite her FGM predicament.

The period she was with me, she was uncomfortable answering calls from her man and I got fed up and decided to investigate. So I went to the street where she showed me the guy lives(she was truly open to me and I give her that) and waited to see if she has started visiting him as she mostly denies and lo and behold, I saw her entering the guy's house. I felt a sharp pang of jealousy which I couldn't control. I picked up my phone after some minutes and started calling her, but her phone rang severally and she didn't pick. I was almost half-dead with jealousy. I cried iny heart and drove away. I sent her a text that because she was "enjoying" herself with her man she was now avoiding my calls. That maybe tbe guy was so good at it. She called about 2 hours later and really took offence that because she visited him and did not pick my call was simply because she doesn't want him to start asking questions and not necessarily that they were doing anything.

We quarrelled like never before and said hurtful things to each other and I asked her to return my key at my office the next day cos by then she no longer visited my house as she has really gotten serious with the guy. She returned the key and for over 2 months we stopped communicating and became strangers.

Instead of pushing her out my mind, I felt a daily torture looking through her Facebook pics, WhatsApp status, and other social media. I will go to her guy's street and painfully watch her enter his house from afar. I was fast losing my mind. I knew it was over for good and don't want her back but the obsession is yet to leave me till date. Everyday, I check her pictures and feels pangs of pain and jealousy as I see her lovely smiles. My people it's punishment and torture for me. I keep obsessing every second of my life about her. Who can help me? Something is definitely wrong. In one of her recent status, I saw her flaunt her hands with an engagement ring and I felt a sharp pang of sadness instead of happiness. People help me I am loosing it. Even though she has apologized to me and I too have apologized for the hurtful things we said in the course of our quarrel, my mind is still not at peace.

Even now presently she is engaged she still calls me and tries to engage me in friendly conversations but I will just be answering without interest. She even sent me a pic recently at a wedding she went to and I told her she should stop sending me her pics but should be sending to her man. She apologized and said she has taken note. Yet, I will feel bad inside me if I don't see her friendly chats which my attitude has made her reduce. Yet in all these, first thing in the morning I will quickly rush to check her pics, if she has made new posts, etc etc. I need help, I really do. Sorry my people for the long post but I really needed to empty myself to see the help I can get if any cos I want my normal sane life back. I have also prayed to God and asked for forgiveness for cheating on my wife ....I have no excuses for doing so but from the long story you can see it was never my intention.

Its really painful finding someone you can call your "soul mate" after marriage. The truth remains that what you shouldn't eat should not be sniffed in the first place...but the harm has been done. You are in love with her but then you need to ask yourself if you are ready for a second wife! If not, do not be selfish and let her go: with time you will surely heal! Wish you well...

Don't ever give up

Free the lady or the chances of you ending up dead or disgraced will be high.

Try and transfer the feelings to your wife. Quite unfortunate dat u met love after your marriage.

frozen70:
Honestly, this is the first time I am reading an epistle that was soo interesting

You have tried, honestly I can feel your pain if loosing her yet you know you can't really have her forever

Lack of sex in your marriage pushed you into what you are in for

Be grateful to God that she didn't take in for you because you would have been in a different situation

I think you need another side chick or your move close to your family

I don't care if men have side chick, what I care for is, providing for your wife

Men cheats and they do that for fun and not to hurt their wives, they still love their wives and still love the side chick

No ma'am. Don't agree with you

Loool tbh you're not responding to his post. You're really responding to things you've gone thru at the hands of other ppl

Sassy256:
So this long story is to justify your disrespect for your marriage or what Please save yourself the trouble. You're a cheat and a wilful one at that. I feel for your wife and I pity you if she finds out cos you do not deserve forgiveness. I pray she does the same to you cos if you don't taste it you won't know how it feels.
You're right that you have no excuses, and NO, you don't need a therapist, you're just an unrepentant cheat and you need to be back on the streets where you belong.
You even mentioned your wife went through FGM, were you not aware of that before you married her?? Rubbish.

Babamide:
Wedding day chairman of the occasion. Hope you are still assisting her with monthly stipend and some other things.
In my own opinion, there is no end in sight for both of you. She just needs time and space to get married before she falls back into your loving arms.
How come your wife and kids didn't notice your divided attention? It is either your story never happened or your FG civil servant wife has her own side piece

Cos I can never abandon my family for anything and like I said, I pay them regular visits fortnightly then and later monthly.

haggai247:
Op wan monopolise the pussy cat.

Single men out there learn from this one oooo baba dey bang on a steady why the girl dey build her relationship with a suitor.

She's 30+ and soon to get the ring, lord help that brother man.

Wetin man no go see for this life

You speak as if I am still doing anything with her.

VlamesIffect:
Let her go my brother, let her go. That experience was part of life. I'm glad you both had a good time while it lasted. Time to move on.

I have let her go. What I need help with is to stop obsessing with her, checking her social media, status,etc etc every second of the day. It's driving me nuts!

We4all:
That guy paragraphed his post. You are the blind one.

Not initially. Did so later

LordIsaac:
Divide the number of years you dated her by two, that's how long Psychology says it would take to get over her. Please, I beg you, that lady is over 30! I commend her for not roping you with pregnancy....she seems to have a good heart; let her go! In the equation, you're the most selfish. It is time to prove you have a heart....let it go!

For Heavens sake, I have let it go. I am only seeking help on how to stop obsessing and looking at her social media, posts, status, etc etc every now and then and how my heart skips as I know her wedding is drawing close. It all looks abnormal to me.