₦airaland Forum

Wow ! Lady D I would have loved to speak with you personally on phone or on whatsapp. But let me give you a little thing about my deep experience. I understand that feeling. From my personal experience (not generalising it), this feeling is common with a particular tribe of people in the east - I have historical, current and personal facts to substantiate this.

See, my dear. Marriage is an institution by the highest Devine being, your creator, Maker, GOD. He invented marriage for one primary purpose. And that purpose still remain and will ever remain because you did not creat yourself. Most feminist usually come to a point in their life to discover this very purpose of the Almighty God, but since they had made a grievous mistake about Gods idea of marriage they try to be baby mamas to atleast fill the gap of the very purpose why God said it is not good for humans to be alone, that two is better than one.

My dear op, I will not lie to you, I have many relations who left their marriages because they felt they can just be themslves, after many years they regretted their action by discovering that at old age they need someone to be a helpmeet or companion. You cannot throwaway the idea of the very one who made you, HE knows why he instituted marriage but we humans have so corrupted the institution because of our wicked and toxic attitudes.

Marriage is GOD'S idea. But if you think you can live without God's idea, well you can go ahead. God does'nt force himself on anyone.

I even learnt atheist still get married.

LadyD22:
Right from when I was still an early teenager , I hardly pictured myself as anyone's spouse but I knew I wanted to be a mom someday .
But I never spoke openly about my little fantasy of being just me and not being anyone's spouse or property
When anyone asked I'd tell them I just want to settle down after 25 then I changed it to 30 , I see the shock in their faces , then some of them start preaching the gospel or asking how I want my parents to feel
So I hid it again telling people what they want to hear " yes I want to get married when I find the RIGHT person " and I used this lie until I met someone like me , who confidently owned up to it and whilst people may not understand her , I know I did

Whilst I love the idea of romance , dating and lovemaking , I've come to understand that there's nothing appealing about marriage except the thought of a spontaneous wedding and expensive white gowns

it's like a transfer of ownership from your parents to a husband who will pay you to give up your rights to yourself and all that you are

When I'm talking to my friend and she's like , my husband doesn't like me wearing this and he doesn't like me doing that , it drives me crazy to think that could be me one day , if I give in

You'll nurse children , you can't even choose how many you want , you can't name the child , you give up your last name and become Mrs Smith , mama junior , iyawo Smith
That's how I realized I don't even know know my lecturers name we know her only as her husband's name ,i don't want that , I don't like it

People argue that marriage guarantees security , what happens when I am already secure ?
They said it guarantees that the person will be with you forever and never leave , yet most men responsible or irresponsible all have women other than their wives , argue from now till tomorrow
Why would I be happy that the only reason a person can't leave me is because of the LAW
everyone should have the right to leave if they choose to , I think this is the best way to feel secure when you understand that they're here because they want to be

When the idea first came to me I thought of it as revenge to my mother but after lingering over the subject for years I realized it was a desire, not just a revenge tactic

Whilst the debates of whether or not it is possible for a husband to rape his wife is ongoing , and many more relationship advisors are crawling with do's and donts of potential wife material , love spells and kayanmata to help attract and keep a man ,
I realized a woman like me prefers to have adventures , travel , work , I don't want to stop meeting new people and learning new things , the older I get the more I accept this side of me that will soon become the prayer point of all my friends and family

All the couple's that I've seen closeup have made marriage look like an endurance game , some turn bloody others just worsen your mental health ,
The threats of keep yourself well , talk nicely , smell nicely , learn how to cook and clean otherwise you might not FIND a husband to marry , makes me cringe , these are just basic life skills why should it revolve around anyone other than me , that just makes me not want to do it anymore
Some men are even coming up with tests on choosing their "CHOSEN ONE" after hoeing around and showing their manhood to the entire clan of women in their community
Noone has given one good reason to ever get married and I doubt there even is

Is marriage really a compulsory thing for everyone?
Why do people make it look like it is a crime to not get married at all ?
who do you think benefits more from marriage and why?
Some even believe it's a punishment to not be married when you're above the age

Marriage is not compulsory and it is not even sinful to decide to stay unmarried but what you listed here is not enough reason to decide not to get married. There are men that are sharing chores with their wives, just look for a man that is compatible with you. I pray you eventually marry a guy that loves you and cares you so much about you. When that happens, all these chores you listed here will not even be a subject for debate because you will not see them as slavery, you will even be happy to do them. I have seen men force their wives to employ maids because they felt the chores their wives were doing were too much.

Couples in healthy relationships are more concerned about each other happiness, comfort and progress, they have no interest in fighting for position because they are not unnecessary bossy, controlling or jealous. Their marriage is more like a partnership, so they put in effort to get the work done because one person's failure is also the other person's downfall. In such marriages, society views and opinions does not really matter, both the man and the woman just keeps putting in effort to make the marriage work.

Rosement:
Marriage is not compulsory and it is not even sinful to decide to stay unmarried but what you listed here is not enough reason to decide not to get married. There are men that are sharing chores with their wives, just look for a man that is compatible with you. I pray you eventually marry a guy that loves you and cares you so much about you. When that happens, all these chores you listed here will not even be a subject for debate because you will not see them as slavery, you will even be happy to do them. I have seen men force their wives to employ maids because they felt the chores their wives were doing were too much.

Couples in healthy relationships are more concerned about each other happiness, comfort and progress, they have no interest in fighting for position because they are not unnecessary bossy, controlling or jealous. Their marriage is more like a partnership, so they put in effort to get the work done because one person's failure is also the other person's downfall. In such marriages, society views and opinions does not really matter, both the man and the woman just keeps putting in effort to make the marriage work.

I understood everything you said especially since you put it so nicely
But I still have more personal reasons , I pray that those who get married , marry the right people but I don't think I'm one of them , I've never been

This is a very good write up...
A very good article from a concerned anonymous..
I really do appreciate the op for putting this up on here....

Not a lot of people want marriage...
Me as an example..I don't really want marriage, you know wha I'm saying..we all know ourselves and how our bodies and moods reacts and changes respectively...
Particularly.. I'm somebody who gets tired easily being with one and same person for a week let alone the next 60 years of my life..
My relationship doesn't go more than one year... I'd be tired already.. crazy.,
In light of the above.. I'm fuck8ng scared of loneliness... yeah it is what it is...
I have come to realize that :
*Not getting married has it own challenges
* Getting married has it own challenges...
This is life...it hits you anywhere it finds you

In conclusion, it's a crazy world..baby girl...it's a crazy world...
Cause Nothing seems to be perfect whether being married or being unmarried...
And I sure know they are a lot of people who would have been alive till this day if they had decided to not marry their partners who later took their lives...
And I equally know people who couldn't have achieved any tangible thing in life if they had decided not to marry their partners or consider marriage at all...

So it's a choice...we pray it favor us either way


Yours sincerely,
Starz

LadyD22:
Right from when I was still an early teenager , I hardly pictured myself as anyone's spouse but I knew I wanted to be a mom someday .
But I never spoke openly about my little fantasy of being just me and not being anyone's spouse or property
When anyone asked I'd tell them I just want to settle down after 25 then I changed it to 30 , I see the shock in their faces , then some of them start preaching the gospel or asking how I want my parents to feel
So I hid it again telling people what they want to hear " yes I want to get married when I find the RIGHT person " and I used this lie until I met someone like me , who confidently owned up to it and whilst people may not understand her , I know I did

Whilst I love the idea of romance , dating and lovemaking , I've come to understand that there's nothing appealing about marriage except the thought of a spontaneous wedding and expensive white gowns

it's like a transfer of ownership from your parents to a husband who will pay you to give up your rights to yourself and all that you are

When I'm talking to my friend and she's like , my husband doesn't like me wearing this and he doesn't like me doing that , it drives me crazy to think that could be me one day , if I give in

You'll nurse children , you can't even choose how many you want , you can't name the child , you give up your last name and become Mrs Smith , mama junior , iyawo Smith
That's how I realized I don't even know know my lecturers name we know her only as her husband's name ,i don't want that , I don't like it

People argue that marriage guarantees security , what happens when I am already secure ?
They said it guarantees that the person will be with you forever and never leave , yet most men responsible or irresponsible all have women other than their wives , argue from now till tomorrow
Why would I be happy that the only reason a person can't leave me is because of the LAW
everyone should have the right to leave if they choose to , I think this is the best way to feel secure when you understand that they're here because they want to be

When the idea first came to me I thought of it as revenge to my mother but after lingering over the subject for years I realized it was a desire, not just a revenge tactic

Whilst the debates of whether or not it is possible for a husband to rape his wife is ongoing , and many more relationship advisors are crawling with do's and donts of potential wife material , love spells and kayanmata to help attract and keep a man ,
I realized a woman like me prefers to have adventures , travel , work , I don't want to stop meeting new people and learning new things , the older I get the more I accept this side of me that will soon become the prayer point of all my friends and family

All the couple's that I've seen closeup have made marriage look like an endurance game , some turn bloody others just worsen your mental health ,
The threats of keep yourself well , talk nicely , smell nicely , learn how to cook and clean otherwise you might not FIND a husband to marry , makes me cringe , these are just basic life skills why should it revolve around anyone other than me , that just makes me not want to do it anymore
Some men are even coming up with tests on choosing their "CHOSEN ONE" after hoeing around and showing their manhood to the entire clan of women in their community
Noone has given one good reason to ever get married and I doubt there even is

Is marriage really a compulsory thing for everyone?
Why do people make it look like it is a crime to not get married at all ?
who do you think benefits more from marriage and why?
Some even believe it's a punishment to not be married when you're above the age

ok come let's give birth to a child,some will take care of the baby.Me sef don see say most married peeps are unhappy.

Wotoporiously speaking

Marriage is not a bed of roses, that's where this generation get's it all wrong and more reason you see a lot of failed marriages today, if you are to look back in time to when our parents was kickin it, you will find out that their own generation of marriage is more productive and effective than all this modern day marriages. Nowadays most people marry for what they will gain from the Union not knowing that it's not a gaining system, rather it's a building system where you grow something out of nothing, that's how it was in our parents era.

With that being said I don't think anyone in this era should rush into marriage if he or she is not ready for it or doesn't fancy the idea of it at all not withstanding the pressure that may comes from family and friends, because I feel like most marriages this days are coming from this angle and you can agree with me that that's why we have a lot of failed marriages today.

Like I always tell people nothing is ever a big deal in this world except for the fact that we humans have made it our business to make everything a big deal, that's why alot of competitions going on everywhere and in every field of life. From experience I have learnt to live life at my own pace knowing that at the end of the day I'm gonna be responsible for every decision i make and what comes out of it in a long run. I always tell my parent if for a fact I don't find the right one to settle down with then the idea of marriage should be erased from my existence because I wanna look back tomorrow, reflect on life and say thank God this is what I needed.

If you feel the need not to get married then don't do it for anybody but make sure you're happy with the life you choose to live and make sure you don't have any regrets later, your decisions should not just be base on what's happening around you or the effects it's having on other people but let it be your life decision because trust me you wouldn't wanna regret anything or look back and say oh I made a big mistake, which might be too late to correct.

Marriage is not an achievement rather it's a blessing if raised on a proper and good foundation.

Demonicus:
Why don't you shut the fVck up and allow him air his opinion too.

as if they will remain agile, fit, in the best physical state forever

They tend to forget that the period of frailness is edging closer.

Prettygirl200:
Well if u feel marriage is not for u, or u don't want to get married it's up to you. U shouldn't condemn it bc u don't like the idea of marriage. I love companionship even as a very young girl so for sure I will get married and have my babies ( even though am scared of childbirth) Not being a baby mama to anyone or out of wedlock.

But that agbero lady talk say na man u be Abi u be gay?

Iono why people be wasting their breath on this thread. Op.. nobody put gun for your head to marry. Bugger off now..

Shiit loads of epistles here and there.. So op's childhood wish was/is to become a babymama.. Wawu!! ... Well there is nothing new under d sun, so they say.

LadyD22:
Right from when I was still an early teenager , I hardly pictured myself as anyone's spouse but I knew I wanted to be a mom someday .
But I never spoke openly about my little fantasy of being just me and not being anyone's spouse or property
When anyone asked I'd tell them I just want to

Whilst I love the idea of romance , dating and lovemaking , I've come to understand that there's nothing appealing about marriage except the thought of a spontaneous wedding and expensive white gowns

Unpleasant stories and experience of other people is enough to discourage anyone from getting married.The thought of sticking to one person for the rest of my life is nauseating to me.
I still don't know my stance yet.

But one shouldn't be so quick to conclude that marriage is Full of unpleasant experiences and not worth it.

One should think long-term and all possible scenerios ,several factors come into play, companionship ,old-age and most especially children.
If you intend to have children, one of the best gift they can have is the presence of both parents in the lives .Am sure you can would understand what I mean by this.

Another reason is companionship and old- age ,
Whether you like it or not most societies are built in a way where the older generation depends on the younger one (mostly Their children and grandchildren).
Even as at this ,it's still not perfect.
Older people generally suffer loneliness , isolation and are more prone to depression .

If you feel this is a lie, ask yourself when was the last time you had a wonderful conversation with the old man or woman leaving in your area .
(Like a neighbor).
You may not feel like it something serious ,but it is.
Let me stop here sha.

I don't know why,I feel like it's getting too long.
But honestly the debate about marriage is global,many countries , people talk about it.
And still concluded that it is still the best and ideal setting for raising a successful and responsible kid.

Having both parents as a kid is a truly underestimate gift.

Thank you for bringing a meaningful topic to Nairaland.

Silentgroper:
Shiit loads of epistles here and there.. So op's childhood wish was/is to become a babymama.. Wawu!! ... Well there is nothing new under d sun, so they say.

If you were educated you'll find out there are many ways to have a child with or without a partner

LadyD22:
If you were educated you'll find out there are many ways to have a child with or without a partner

Y u tripping much?? .. I wasnt trying to get at u or something. I was just saying..

I really don't know why people stress about this thing so much it turns to an arguement. It's your life, no matter how long you think you have to live, the irony is, it's a very short life, why not do what makes you happy. If you want to get married, fine, if not, it's also fine.

I had a discussion like this with my guys, some said they don't want to, others said in the near future, they'd change their minds, I'm of the opinion that sometimes these decisions might not depend solely on the fact that it's just their long life wish, experience, childhood experiences, families where some grew tends to change people's orientation of things like these. Well whatever it is, I figured I should be happy with my life first and foremost before I concern myself about someone's else's decision about their life.

People will wail, people will talk, no one ever gets content with you, whether you do the right or wrong thing, people will still talk.
As long as you're happy and feel fulfilled with yourself, omo do whatever you like, some people live in the image of who others want them to be, at the end of the day, it's your damn life, do what pleases you and makes you happy.

After all, We are still young and can enjoy our time alone, try new things or travel the world.

I once held the believe that Marriage is not necessary until I start getting a long term view from people over 40-60 who are single and not a kid to call theirs. And yes, it gets even worse when you have no kid.

It is by that period that loneliness in the real sense will creep in, it's better to have a child, maybe without marriage?.

But then, can a child grow well with both parent? we may say "Yes" without considering the facts that it is a NO.

Lastly, I am not here to make you accept a view contrary to yours. I just want to let you know, views/opinion do change when one gets to a particular age in time, or point in time.

Thanks and welcome to my Ted Talk

Fmghewzy:
Unpleasant stories and experience of other people is enough to discourage anyone from getting married.The thought of sticking to one person for the rest of my life is nauseating to me.
I still don't know my stance yet.

But one shouldn't be so quick to conclude that marriage is Full of unpleasant experiences and not worth it.

One should think long-term and all possible scenerios ,several factors come into play, companionship ,old-age and most especially children.
If you intend to have children, one of the best gift they can have is the presence of both parents in the lives .Am sure you can would understand what I mean by this.

Another reason is companionship and old- age ,
Whether you like it or not most societies are built in a way where the older generation depends on the younger one (mostly Their children and grandchildren).
Even as at this ,it's still not perfect.
Older people generally suffer loneliness , isolation and are more prone to depression .

If you feel this is a lie, ask yourself when was the last time you had a wonderful conversation with the old man or woman leaving in your area .
(Like a neighbor).
You may not feel like it something serious ,but it is.
Let me stop here sha.

I don't know why,I feel like it's getting too long.
But honestly the debate about marriage is global,many countries , people talk about it.
And still concluded that it is still the best and ideal setting for raising a successful and responsible kid.

Having both parents as a kid is a truly underestimate gift.

Thank you for bringing a meaningful topic to Nairaland.

Having two parents who are committed is definitely a gift , I envy people who experienced that , I am contented with having a loving dad but I did wish Mom loved me a little or at least pretended too
Everyone wants this in the beginning , but when you come from the bottom side of the stick you tend to prepare for the worst than for the best , I guess that's not a healthy way to live but it's a habit that's been present for years , I can't just wake up and decide to be a different person , believe me I really tried

Marriage is not full of bad experiences , people keep misunderstanding me, but it's not for everyone , it's not a one-way ticket to happiness, peace ,regretless fulfilling life , it's just one of those things in life that shouldn't be forced nor made compulsory , whilst I have already made up my mind , I knew the struggle I had trying to deny it thinking it was a taboo , and I was curious to know how many people understood felt the same way ( obviously not many ) and I also wanted people to know that indeed it was an option and it's best each man chooses for himself so they don't blame anyone when things don't go as smoothly as they hoped , I mean no harm to anyone honestly

I have both parents and they've been married for almost 30 years , whilst dad did his part in providing for me , God continue to bless him, my mother did her best in turning me into this person , I thank God that despite the hate she did not kill me , her being alive and married did nothing but traumatise my siblings and i , most times I felt my dad wanted out but he felt trapped because of his love for I and my siblings and for the fact that they were married in court and he might lose everything
You see, from afar someone might envy me and think that I come from a nice family but I have faced the same struggles a child with no parents can face , but who would believe me ? They only believe when I go into details and recount all those painful memories
Now I can also tell you about my cousins that have both parents and suffered and my cousins who have a widowed mom and didn't lack love , both parent or single parent , it doesn't guarantee anything , it's even worse when your parents are alive and you're suffering , noone would believe you or they'll think you're just ungrateful ( even when they were not there)

Now as an adult, I decided to really do what would make me happy and I think if I had a child they would understand and they would love me as much as I love them , it doesn't matter if it's just me or me and someone else , it wouldn't make much of a difference

LadyD22:
Having two parents who are committed is definitely a gift , I envy people who experienced that , I am contented with having a it doesn't matter if it's just me or me and someone else , it wouldn't make much of a difference

You do have a point.

Silentgroper:
Y u tripping much?? .. I wasnt trying to get at u or something. I was just saying..

I was also saying , why does it sound like I was tripping?

Same here with me. Often times I've asked myself WHY DO I NEED TO GET MARRIED? to please the family and society? What about ME? If it's because of child bearing, i can do surrogacy..... I just want to put me 1st that's all

LadyD22:
I was also saying , why does it sound like I was tripping?

Nahhh, u were defo tripping. U took it personal.

LadyD22:
¹ Right from when I was still an early teenager , I hardly pictured myself as anyone's spouse but I knew I wanted to be a mom someday .

² it's like a transfer of ownership from your parents to a husband who will pay you to give up your rights to yourself and all that you are.

³ When I'm talking to my friend and she's like , my husband doesn't like me wearing this and he doesn't like me doing that , it drives me crazy to think that could be me one day , if I give in.

⁴ You'll nurse children , you can't even choose how many you want , you can't name the child , you give up your last name and become Mrs Smith , mama junior , iyawo Smith.

⁵ That's how I realized I don't even know know my lecturers name we know her only as her husband's name ,i don't want that , I don't like it.

⁶ People argue that marriage guarantees security , what happens when I am already secure? They said it guarantees that the person will be with you forever and never leave , yet most men responsible or irresponsible all have women other than their wives , argue from now till tomorrow.

⁷ Why would I be happy that the only reason a person can't leave me is because of the LAW
everyone should have the right to leave if they choose to , I think this is the best way to feel secure when you understand that they're here because they want to be.

⁸ When the idea first came to me I thought of it as revenge to my mother but after lingering over the subject for years I realized it was a desire, not just a revenge tactic

⁹ I realized a woman like me prefers to have adventures , travel , work , I don't want to stop meeting new people and learning new things , the older I get the more I accept this side of me that will soon become the prayer point of all my friends and family.

¹⁰ All the couple's that I've seen closeup have made marriage look like an endurance game , some turn bloody others just worsen your mental health ,
The threats of keep yourself well , talk nicely , smell nicely , learn how to cook and clean otherwise you might not FIND a husband to marry , makes me cringe , these are just basic life skills why should it revolve around anyone other than me , that just makes me not want to do it anymore.

¹¹ Is marriage really a compulsory thing for everyone? Why do people make it look like it is a crime to not get married at all?

On your first statement. Your little fantasy is the reason many children are delinquent. Children raised in homes without a father record terrible life outcomes. Clearly this is about your fantasy and not the welfare of the innocent child you are contemplating of bringing to this world, doomed to be raised without a father. Enlighten yourself: https://www.all4kids.org/news/blog/a-fathers-impact-on-child-development/#:~:text=We%20know%20that%20children%20who,or%20end%20up%20in%20prison.

On your second statement. Oh so you had no rights under your parents. Your parents own you by your own admission. Okay so if you had no rights as a daughter why are you seeking rights as a wife. In your statement you contradicted yourself even. The transfer of ownership is the reason you lost your so called rights and not because he pays you. He could have paid a pr0stitute does it mean the pr0stitute doesn't have rights to her body after the transaction is done?

On your third statement. Husband and wife shape each other. Yorubas will say "ile oko ile eko ni". Your marital home is a place of learning. And places of learning are places of change. Wives change and husbands change. However this is only the case if the man is a husband indeed and the woman is a wife indeed.

On your fourth statement. Did you give yourself your last name while you were in your father's house? I will only respect your statement here if you can boldly change your surname from your father's surname to any surname of your choosing. It is then that you have the moral high ground to complain about giving up your surname after getting married. It is then you will have the moral high ground to reject the surname of any man for your would be kids.

On your fifth statement. If your lecturer were not married you would still not know her name (and I suspect it's a her) because she would be referred to by her father's name just as you are currently being referred to. Ladies of your type should boldly go to your fathers, who happen to be the ones talking care of your needs, and declare that you have changed your surname to a female name of your choosing. So if you were once Jennifer Babatunde, change it to Jennifer Cynthia and then we would know you are serious.

On your sixth statement. Marriage guarantees what the couples mutually agree and strive to make the marriage guarantee. The couples decide the outcomes of the marriage. Many ladies and men go into marriage as con artists, withholding information and strategizing to maximize their payoffs in the game of marriage. I can guess that this is the norm is more tha 90% of marriages and that is why marriage seems like a scam. Marriages can never be better than the couples that constitute it.

On your seventh statement. Which planet have you been living in? Perhaps you just woke up from a 20 year slumber. The law of the land allows couples of separate from each other when they want to. Many like you are on their 3rd, 4th, 5th,...nth husband/lover where 'n' is any positive integer greater than 100. So what's the fuss.

On your eight statement. Revenge on your mom? Your mom that is in a passing generation? Your thoughts are interesting. A masochist would like to live rent free in your head.

On your ninth statement. It's good you like these things but I am certain these things you have mentioned will not fill up the void of your heart when you are past 50. Many ladies who thought the way you are thinking now regretted their life choices when they were old. They had money, amazing credentials, great influence and a lot of luxury but yet they battle with depression, mania and suicidal thoughts. Liberal ladies like yourself end up having regular visits to the shrink's office. Here is a research paper for you to enlighten yourself: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/339541044_Mental_illness_and_the_left

On your tenth statement. I can't help but notice how one sided your submission is. Men also endure a lot. The stupidity that many wives bring to the table is enough raise their husbands systolic/diastolic blood pressure numbers by 100mmHg. The other day an outstandingly stupid woman donated her husband's car to her pastor without her husband's knowledge. Another supremely idiotic woman secretly invested her husband's life savings in crowdfunding scam. Men also endure a ton of crap from amazingly stupid women.

On your last statement I referenced. Marriage is not compulsory. Those who make it look like "singleness" is a crime are ignorant of what marriage really is. Real men who are headed to a worthy destination but have challenges that they must surmount get married to a helper who is also headed in to his destination and is capable of providing the needed support. The man's job is to perpetually build his wife into a highly potent weapon and the wife's job is to yield to her wielder, her husband. Together they make a formidable warrior in the unending battles of life.

I will advise you to study more. Interview those who have gone ahead of you. Speak with people in successful marriages and those whose marriages have failed. Study the books of fine thinkers. Let your ideals be shaped by thorough research and investigation.

In other words, grow up!