₦airaland Forum

Your husband is a criminal....destroying the boy's future

NeoWanZaeed:
You want him to do something to please his child and he can't afford to do it?

Like allowing the boy to study computer science? Why did he force him to study pharmacy? Pharmacist do not earn more than computer scientists. Wasted years of the boys life trying to force him to live his dream, with a father like him who needs enemies.

Imagine a father sending street thugs to kidnap his son for 2 weeks. The man is a monster, I won't be surprised if he abuses the OP as well

checky619:


I AM GOING TO BE VERY BLUNT WITH YOU
YOU ARE A VERY USELESS MOTHER IF NOT THE MOST USELESS MOTHER IN THE WORLD, YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND DO NOT DESERVE CHILDREN NOT EVEN PETS, RATHER YOU DESERVE ROBOTS YOU CAN CONTROL AROUND, EVERYTHING YOU ARE SAYING IS YOUR HUSBAND THIS YOUR HUSBAND THAT, THEN WHAT IS YOUR DUTY AS A MOTHER? TO OPEN LEG AND BORN CHILDREN LIKE CHICKENS? I FEEL SO BAD FOR THAT BOY, YOU MAY EVENTUALLY LOOSE HIM IF HE DECIDES TO TAKE HIS LIFE. I HOPE YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND CAN STILL CONTROL HIM AROUND WHEN HE IS DEAD. THE ONLY SOLUTION TO THAT BOY IS FOR YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND TO SIT HIM DOWN ASK HIM WHAT HE WANTS AND GIVE HIM WHATEVER HE REQUESTS FOR EVEN IF IT IS MONEY FOR RENT, HOW CAN A 21 year old FIRST BORN FOR THAT MATTER BE LIVING THE LIFE HIS PARENTS ARE DECIDING FOR HIM AND YOU EXPECT HIM TO BE ALRIGHT.
SHAME ON YOU AS A PARENT.

I am very angry with the mum.All these'yes sir daddy' kind of mum.That is how some fathers will be raping their daughters and the mother will keep queit just because the husband has money.Nonsense

Why does your husband have all the control over your son…. Where were you in all these scenarios, why couldn’t you convince your husband, why would you even allow your husband to all of w outsiders beat him up when he is not a thief, God gave you a good son, and you guys have wasted his life for him… it would be hard for him to trust you guys, is it even by force to study pharmacy You deserve all the blame madam, and your husband too…. I’m even surprised he hasnt Left home already sef or start smoking….. you need to ask for his forgiveness ….


Omoor madam you bleeped up big time…

Yugoslavia247:
Pharmacy wey my guy spent 6 years in Oau only to be sent out at 400 level.


Una go dey do things wey I no understand.
Many pharmacist don dey do business

Not all practised.

Some turn tailor.

At the end you discover your potential and what you love.

Some medical students will never practice it because in the long run they found something interesting they want to dedicate their life to.

Football is blood money. To me your husband wants to control your son destiny.

If your son goes abroad. Even your husband will not be able to see his back. What many parents are praying for if only they could sponsor their children football dream.

Na im una dey delay with you na mumu understanding.


The boy supposed comot that house.

Una be destiny destroyers. I hope say your husband no he occultic man.

The man isn't against his football dream entirely. He only want him to get a decent education before considering his football dream which isn't bad. Are you justifying the boy dropping out of school after spending millions of naira in year 3?


Btw, hear from the father first before crucifying him

The father is at fault. He is being Overprotective.
What happen to checking up on his son from time to time even if he school in another state
My dad want same thing but I no listen to am.
I just pick the federal university in closest state. Lol
My father only check up on me once and never again until I graduated😂
Naso dem dey do..


I cant imagine leaving home for school. House sef wey don time me

Wotoporiously speaking

This is a very simple case and it's very relatable to mine's, I wanted studying the same computer science your child hoped for and my dad opted for mechanical engineering and that cost a lot of issues between me and my dad in the past, which escalated to me leaving the house and never wanting to return again but my mom stepped in and payed for me to go study the course of my choosen in another school, far away from my town and I graduated with flying colors.....na your husband Bleep up madam, he should have let the boy study what he's got passion for from the get go....them no dey force person to study course wey he or she no go dey good at.

It's very wrong from parents especially African parents, the lack knowledge in that department very well.


Una even get pikin wey get football talent and let me guess the papa go fit afford am but he choosed not to, he dey like say your husband no Sabi how much footballer's dey earn...abi him no dey watch ball? And he even gather men make them mend the boy, chai

Madam, your husband dey dull

Sadly, his father's wrongly imposed decisions is what has messed up his life. He had 2 dreams...study Computer Science and play football. He wasn't allowed to do both. Getting thugs to beat him up sealed it up. If a child is proving difficult, it's best to visit a guidance counsellor or psychologist. From the story, he didn't start out that way until pushed against his will.

His dad should swallow his pride and talk to his son. If you both don't try to make amends with him, you leave him open to danger. All I see is a young man who's had a traumatic experience trying to run away from more. You as his parents are the only ones who can help him recover and stay on track. Of course, prayers go a long way but remember that faith without works is dead.

VTJN:
The man isn't against his football dream entirely. He only want him to get a decent education before considering his football dream which isn't bad. Are you justifying the boy dropping out of school after spending millions of naira in year 3?


Btw, hear from the father first before crucifying him

Why does his father have to dictate for his son what to study based on myopic reasoning.

Because in his work place pharmacist are rich.
He forgets that programmers are richer. Pay stack founders are computer scientist.

He used his short sight to mar his dream. Never gave the boy a chance to even do 1 thing he loves. Alienating him from himself and even using coercion via thugs.

Many children in the university are so miserable because they study big course with zero affection. They are living their parents dream not theirs.


I have seen someone who studied accounting and gave the certificate to her parents. Then went back to make up artist. She has lived their dreams and she gave them cos she does not need it

booksbo0k:
Sorry for the long write up my people, I need advice.

My first son has been behaving somehow in our family, as if he's not part of this family...
You and this boy can be in the same house but you might not set your eyes on him once for a whole day. He will be inside his room through out...

He has been telling me that he is currently working on going to rent his own place and live on his own and that if God helps him and he is able to achieve that, He will not have anything to do with our family again and that we will never set eyes on him ever again :[ ...

I would have not been bothered by such statement if it were coming from someone else, I would take it as a bluff. But this my son is someone that normally doesn't call people to check on them, not even us his parents..

When he was in his previous University before he dropped out, this boy can go for months, that is a whole semester stretch without calling anybody to know how you're doing, except you call him or maybe he wants to ask for money for something or school stuff....

We have five children and he is the first, the second and third children are away in University, he and the two last siblings are the only one's with us.. My husband refused him from going to University in a far place instead he gives him transport money to be going to his own University from home everyday...... He and his father don't even talk again except good morning greetings. He is only 21 ohh..

Let me give you guys small back story so that you can understand how all these things started.

My son graduated from secondary school (a boarding school) in 2017 at 16 years old... Initially, he said he wanted to study computer science as he said that was the course he loved and wanted to study. But my husband refused and persuaded him to study pharmacy because he worked at NAFDAC and he saw the way pharmacy graduates were living at his work place and the salary they were recieving. He and one of his chemist friend sweet talked him into going to study the course and I guess it was because he was young then and could not challenge his dad then that was why he gave in....

He wrote JAMB but he did not meet the cut of mark for pharmacy (but I later realised his score was good for computer science then)... No public University was willing to admit him for pharmacy then because his score was not good for the course but due to my husband love for the course and not wanting my son to lose admission that year , he decided to go the way of private University not minding their school fees...Long story cut short, my son got admitted into Madonna University where we were paying 1M naira every year.....After 3 years in the school and in 300L @18 years old, he began saying he was not interested in the school any longer, that he was tired of the course, that he's body is no longer in the school and blablabla that he wants to go and play football in Europe...

He came back for holiday during the beginning of covid and refused to go back to the school when they resumed, saying that he was only wasting our money by being in that school and he did not want to continue.....This got my husband really sad and angry....My son stayed home for almost two years doing nothing because my husband was adamant that if he would not go back to school, nothing for him, that all the money he has spent for school fees in that school can not be for waste that he can become a footballer after he graduates, saying no one can become a successful footballer without being a graduate, that it would later affect them in life...

But my son refused. I must confess, my son is extremely good at playing football. That was the talent i can confidently say that God personally gave to him from birth. Infact when he was graduating from secondary school, they gave him the award for the best graduating footballer and he was always the centre of attention anytime he plays at our church events. He friends used to call him "nima" then, I think...

I and my husband got tired of him staying at home for long so I went to meet with one pastor in our street who was based in the UK with his family but comes home sometimes for church related matters. I explained my son's situation to him and he offered to help my son travel out to chase his football career provided we have the funds for it. The man was secondary school class mates with "victor ikpe ekong" who was a former super eagles player but currently a pastor in Sweden. To my greatest surprise he called him on a WhatsApp video call in my presence and i was really surprised...He gave me the man's phone number to keep in contact and also scheduled a day to meet with my husband and have a discussion.. I told my son and he was very happy..I also told my husband and he was eager to meet with him at least, anything to solve my sons idleness at the time..

The pastor came to my our house on several occasions and discussed with my husband. My husband kept telling the pastor, saying he would like my son to be going to school while chasing his football career at the same time, a feat which pastor let us know would be difficult as one has to be dropped for the other. Unfortunately, my husband changed he's mind and said he was no longer interested in the whole footballer thing. He said he knew that my son wanted to become a footballer only because of girls. That he, my son knew that if he becomes a footballer, all the girls would like him, that that was the only reason he wanted to become a footballer, and that if football was his true destiny, he doesn't need to travel out for it to manifest, that he can be in Nigeria and make it from here.....That was how that chapter close like that. Pastor left for England few months after.....

After years of my son staying at home, my husband got tired. One night, he hired some Street thugs to come take my son away and beat him up...my son stayed with them for 2 weeks. When he returned, he said he was ready to go back to school. But my husband told him he won't be going back to any private University again. My son wrote jamb again to study computer science and was admitted into COOU. but my said he would not allow him go to any University that is not in the same state we are residing. Now the problem here was that all the public schools in the state we are staying will not accept you to study computer science unless you did chemistry in jamb. And my son did not do chemistry in jamb because he is not good in chemistry. If he was to study in the same state we were staying, he had to settle for another course, which he did...Now another problem arose. My husband refused to rent an apartment for my son around the school because the school is considerably far from our house, instead he decided to be giving him money (2000) everyday as transport fare to be going from home. This did not sit down well with my the boy and he again, said he was no longer interested in schooling again sef that he can't be going such far distance from home to the school everyday to study a Course he does not even like siting that it would be stressful and affect his academics and that it was unwise to be paying 60k a year as school fees while you spend 2k everyday as transport..My husband got angry and called on our estate CSO to come pick him up. They beat him so badly in public that when he got back home later in the evening, I went to check him in his room, his buttocks and back where scarred and red with huge marks...

Ever since, he has been going to the school from home and he has become very distant from us especially his dad. They don't talk again in the same house except "good morning sir"...

My son has turned into something else. He can stay indoors from morning till night. I would have said he has started keeping bad company but he does not even have a single friend, not one..Nobody calls him, and he doesn't call anybody...I have five children and he is the first. The second and third already gained admission this year in a private University and are in school currently, so he and he's last two siblings are the only one's with us now..

Why I'm writing this is because I'm scared..I'm beginning to fear that my son might commit suicide, he's beginning to show that kind of attitude.. And the plans he have to leave us forever to go and stay alone, I don't like it ohhhh...

Nairalanders please I need your advice.

When I was in secondary school, I became so fascinated with Egyptology and decided I was going to be an archeologist. I was a superb writer and the English Literature teachers thought I should be a writer. My mates in football team thought I should pursue a career as a defensive midfielder. In the end my father gave me options of either Computer science or Petroleum engineering. I didn't have a say. Today I'm not following any of my dreams. I'm only just existing . Also, your son and your husband will never have a good relationship ever again...best case scenario, they will do eye service.

deltateam:
He can afford to hire thugs to beat him abi and he can afford to pay millions in tuition fee.

why dropping out of school in year 3 after spending millions? That boy no serious

Even the father told him to get educated before considering his football dream

I wouldn't blame the father for accusing him that he wanted to become a footballer because of girls

I believe we don't know him more than his father

Hi,

I read your entire story and here are my feedback and advice;

1. Your Husband seems like a Narcissistic personality type. And you as a mother has a co-dependent personality. The toxic relationship dynamic between you and your husband is the foundation for a poor family relationship dynamic. I would highly recommend couples therapy to improve the relationship dynamic with your husband.

2. About your son. Among your entire family, your first son is the only one that recognizes the toxic family dynamic within your family unit. This has led him to withdraw and isolate himself from his immediate support group. This has led to you and your family to label him as the blacksheep of the family. I am sure you and your husband see your first son as the cause of the family problems. This is the usual dilemma of the blacksheep or scapegoat of a dysfunctional family unit.

3. This brings me to my next point. Amending the relationship with your son and fostering a positive mindset in him. Firstly you need to talk to him one on one. Without any form of judgment. And most importantly, in confidentiality. When I say confidentiality, i mean that you need to assure him that your conversation is between mother and son. Void of the fathers (your husbands) influence. The aim to build trust with him, create a safe space for him to feel comfortable with you. Sincerely apologize to him as regards any wrongs you have made as a mother. Be sincere, and give references or past events so he knows that you are genuine. This one on one communication would require you as a mother to come down to his level to really understand and relate to whatever he has to say. The aim of the communication exercise is to establish connection between you two. In the end your son should be fully aware that his mother wants the best for him and is willing to work with him to achieve this. That is the goal. Please note that this step might not happen in 1 day, it might take a while to build this level of trust, intimacy and understanding with your son. So be patient

4. While you work on building a better relationship with your son, also work on the relationship you have with yourself. Learn to set firm boundaries with yourself. This would prevent people (including your husband) from easily manipulating you. Learn to speak positively to your self. This would help you speak to your son because you would be able to relate on a positive frequency when both of you communicate on personal matters. Learn to be accountable. Take full responsibility for the lapses and mistakes you made and lay down concrete steps on how you would improve yourself.


There are a lot of i would have loved to pen down but i feel these few points would really help out.

You sharing your story here means that the motherly instinct to do what is best for your family still burns within you.

Feel free to reach out to me.

Keep pushing and dont give up.

tommy589:
Your boy is not even adventurous. At 21,he is still afraid of missing the free food and shelter you provide

Maybe he's planning and strategizing. They broke his spirit.

With this attitude of a mother that you posse am sure your other children will face if not facing such torment including your self, it clearly shows that you don't have a say in your marriage. make your husband understand that this human age we are there are so many opportunities and we are all exposed to them all,just as he said the pharmacist in his work place earns big, so in football of this days earns big too he can play football and go for part time study (work and study). Save your son what you fear for,by talking to your husband to reconsider his stands in decision making support your son/children career gone are those days parents wants their children to do their biding, apologise to your son on behalf of your husband if you are not ok with work husband decision challenge him!

booksbo0k:
Sorry for the long write up my people, I need advice.

My first son has been behaving somehow in our family, as if he's not part of this family...
You and this boy can be in the same house but you might not set your eyes on him once for a whole day. He will be inside his room through out...

He has been telling me that he is currently working on going to rent his own place and live on his own and that if God helps him and he is able to achieve that, He will not have anything to do with our family again and that we will never set eyes on him ever again :[ ...

I would have not been bothered by such statement if it were coming from someone else, I would take it as a bluff. But this my son is someone that normally doesn't call people to check on them, not even us his parents..

When he was in his previous University before he dropped out, this boy can go for months, that is a whole semester stretch without calling anybody to know how you're doing, except you call him or maybe he wants to ask for money for something or school stuff....

We have five children and he is the first, the second and third children are away in University, he and the two last siblings are the only one's with us.. My husband refused him from going to University in a far place instead he gives him transport money to be going to his own University from home everyday...... He and his father don't even talk again except good morning greetings. He is only 21 ohh..

Let me give you guys small back story so that you can understand how all these things started.

My son graduated from secondary school (a boarding school) in 2017 at 16 years old... Initially, he said he wanted to study computer science as he said that was the course he loved and wanted to study. But my husband refused and persuaded him to study pharmacy because he worked at NAFDAC and he saw the way pharmacy graduates were living at his work place and the salary they were recieving. He and one of his chemist friend sweet talked him into going to study the course and I guess it was because he was young then and could not challenge his dad then that was why he gave in....

He wrote JAMB but he did not meet the cut of mark for pharmacy (but I later realised his score was good for computer science then)... No public University was willing to admit him for pharmacy then because his score was not good for the course but due to my husband love for the course and not wanting my son to lose admission that year , he decided to go the way of private University not minding their school fees...Long story cut short, my son got admitted into Madonna University where we were paying 1M naira every year.....After 3 years in the school and in 300L @18 years old, he began saying he was not interested in the school any longer, that he was tired of the course, that he's body is no longer in the school and blablabla that he wants to go and play football in Europe...

He came back for holiday during the beginning of covid and refused to go back to the school when they resumed, saying that he was only wasting our money by being in that school and he did not want to continue.....This got my husband really sad and angry....My son stayed home for almost two years doing nothing because my husband was adamant that if he would not go back to school, nothing for him, that all the money he has spent for school fees in that school can not be for waste that he can become a footballer after he graduates, saying no one can become a successful footballer without being a graduate, that it would later affect them in life...

But my son refused. I must confess, my son is extremely good at playing football. That was the talent i can confidently say that God personally gave to him from birth. Infact when he was graduating from secondary school, they gave him the award for the best graduating footballer and he was always the centre of attention anytime he plays at our church events. He friends used to call him "nima" then, I think...

I and my husband got tired of him staying at home for long so I went to meet with one pastor in our street who was based in the UK with his family but comes home sometimes for church related matters. I explained my son's situation to him and he offered to help my son travel out to chase his football career provided we have the funds for it. The man was secondary school class mates with "victor ikpe ekong" who was a former super eagles player but currently a pastor in Sweden. To my greatest surprise he called him on a WhatsApp video call in my presence and i was really surprised...He gave me the man's phone number to keep in contact and also scheduled a day to meet with my husband and have a discussion.. I told my son and he was very happy..I also told my husband and he was eager to meet with him at least, anything to solve my sons idleness at the time..

The pastor came to my our house on several occasions and discussed with my husband. My husband kept telling the pastor, saying he would like my son to be going to school while chasing his football career at the same time, a feat which pastor let us know would be difficult as one has to be dropped for the other. Unfortunately, my husband changed he's mind and said he was no longer interested in the whole footballer thing. He said he knew that my son wanted to become a footballer only because of girls. That he, my son knew that if he becomes a footballer, all the girls would like him, that that was the only reason he wanted to become a footballer, and that if football was his true destiny, he doesn't need to travel out for it to manifest, that he can be in Nigeria and make it from here.....That was how that chapter close like that. Pastor left for England few months after.....

After years of my son staying at home, my husband got tired. One night, he hired some Street thugs to come take my son away and beat him up...my son stayed with them for 2 weeks. When he returned, he said he was ready to go back to school. But my husband told him he won't be going back to any private University again. My son wrote jamb again to study computer science and was admitted into COOU. but my said he would not allow him go to any University that is not in the same state we are residing. Now the problem here was that all the public schools in the state we are staying will not accept you to study computer science unless you did chemistry in jamb. And my son did not do chemistry in jamb because he is not good in chemistry. If he was to study in the same state we were staying, he had to settle for another course, which he did...Now another problem arose. My husband refused to rent an apartment for my son around the school because the school is considerably far from our house, instead he decided to be giving him money (2000) everyday as transport fare to be going from home. This did not sit down well with my the boy and he again, said he was no longer interested in schooling again sef that he can't be going such far distance from home to the school everyday to study a Course he does not even like siting that it would be stressful and affect his academics and that it was unwise to be paying 60k a year as school fees while you spend 2k everyday as transport..My husband got angry and called on our estate CSO to come pick him up. They beat him so badly in public that when he got back home later in the evening, I went to check him in his room, his buttocks and back where scarred and red with huge marks...

Ever since, he has been going to the school from home and he has become very distant from us especially his dad. They don't talk again in the same house except "good morning sir"...

My son has turned into something else. He can stay indoors from morning till night. I would have said he has started keeping bad company but he does not even have a single friend, not one..Nobody calls him, and he doesn't call anybody...I have five children and he is the first. The second and third already gained admission this year in a private University and are in school currently, so he and he's last two siblings are the only one's with us now..

Why I'm writing this is because I'm scared..I'm beginning to fear that my son might commit suicide, he's beginning to show that kind of attitude.. And the plans he have to leave us forever to go and stay alone, I don't like it ohhhh...

Nairalanders please I need your advice.

You see the Father, I believe has armtwisted the boy too much, which will make him harbour resentful thoughts towards everyone.

At 17/18/19, I was equally angry with many things and almost left Abuja and resettle in Akwa Ibom due to suppression similar to what your son is passing through.

But on another note, your son lacked diplomacy to get his father off his way by comprising a little before running off on his own.

If he had pledged to be going to school and pursuing his footballing career, it would have given him leeway to enter the UK and pursue his dreams.

In life, freedom is not given, it's taken by negotiations, not outright wars because even if he wins the war with his father, can he sustain himself?

The father is looking out for him, but his ego is also working against him.

My advice, your son must stop expecting to be given everything, else, he loses it all and himself, rather, he should work smartly and diplomatically to get his ways and sustain himself.

Let him kill that thought of running off, it's terrible outside these days, so burning the bridge between his father and himself will make him a prodigal son.

Also, your husband should have stopped using brutish character against his fellow man from the age of 15 and employ diplomacy as a way to reach him, else, like Jaja in Purple Hibiscus, he too will be at the mercy of that boy someday and he'll not hesitate to strike him fatally.

This is disgraceful parenting.

abobote:
Which advise do you need again?

You are the problem, you can't talk to your husband.

How can you marry a husband that you can't talk to?

She's like my mother. Too dependent and can't speak up. Like she has no will of her own
It's so annoying.

My father is just like her husband, narcissistic and controlling. I hate his character so much. He won't even listen to her if she talks to him. In his mind, he's always right.

Why force a child to study Pharmacy when you know that child doesn't like Chemistry?

Why not leave the child to follow his own path?

According to the mother's narration, this boy has never committed a criminal offence that would warrant the father to get him beat up twice by thugs and Security officers.

Also according to the mother's narration, there has never much relationship between him and his father.

quote author=Fiscus105 post=122331001]


Which self esteem father messed up? Or chid wanted to be problematic and prodigal on his own?

In as much I blamed father too in the situation

After spending 3 years in private university, he just woke up and say no sch again for no singular reason.

What stops him from finishing pharmacy and starts his football career or whatever he wants to do? (After 3 years in school and just 2 years left for him to finish school)


Child shouldnt become monster that whole family should be worshipping ok.


Thank God he still has good father, some very strict fathers would have sent him parking and face the remaining 4 children to succeed.

He thinks he is rubbishing his parents, he would surely regrets every bit of his actions in next 10 years or after, if he doesn't retrace his step quickly, a time is coming that father and mother won't be there for children again. +Death or old age+

Any children who don't put his feet on strong footing,will suffer for his or her entire life.
[/quote]

Well... these issues didn't just start all of a sudden, you guys must have encouraged it somehow, that said, I must say that I understand your husband's position - I wish I had someone to guide when I was young, may be I would be in an better position right now.
My advice is this... Let daddy discourage the idea of picking him up for beating by outsiders, it will "destroy" him. Instead, let daddy continue to liaise with the boy, draw him close. Give him something's he wants in exchange for what you want him to do. Like getting him a car for him to study the pharmacy. He can start by being good friends with his son, let them go out together - may a bar, have some drinks, talk about the girls he likes (which is not a bad idea). All to gain his trust and love back and then subtly make your demands and I feel will gradually oblige. I don't think the use of force will work in this case.

Hmm. Chai
This boy has really suffered.
Please you need to go to him and apologise profusely to him for all the damages and trauma your controlling husband has caused to this young man.
Both of you need to do this asap!
It’s a pity he had to pass through all these in his father’s house.

This is pure abuse no matter how you see it.
Parents should only guide and not dictate to their kids.
Pharmacy isn’t better than Computer Science in the current scheme of things. Your husband is still living in the past.
You don’t need to be go to tertiary institution to be educated or literate.
People with skills these days are way more progressive than those with Masters and phD and even medical drs and Pharmacists.
Torturing him both psychologically and physically is wickedness. And this guy must be at the very edge of complete mental breakdown now.
You need to do something very fast.
You and your husband need to apologise in tears and fix him up immediately and immediately.
I was shivering reading this.
Enough is enough.
Mind you this boy is your son but if takes this up legally, you and your husband will pay huge damages and still go to jail.

booksbo0k:
Sorry for the long write up my people, I need advice.

My first son has been behaving somehow in our family, as if he's not part of this family...
You and this boy can be in the same house but you might not set your eyes on him once for a whole day. He will be inside his room through out...

He has been telling me that he is currently working on going to rent his own place and live on his own and that if God helps him and he is able to achieve that, He will not have anything to do with our family again and that we will never set eyes on him ever again :[ ...

I would have not been bothered by such statement if it were coming from someone else, I would take it as a bluff. But this my son is someone that normally doesn't call people to check on them, not even us his parents..

When he was in his previous University before he dropped out, this boy can go for months, that is a whole semester stretch without calling anybody to know how you're doing, except you call him or maybe he wants to ask for money for something or school stuff....

We have five children and he is the first, the second and third children are away in University, he and the two last siblings are the only one's with us.. My husband refused him from going to University in a far place instead he gives him transport money to be going to his own University from home everyday...... He and his father don't even talk again except good morning greetings. He is only 21 ohh..

Let me give you guys small back story so that you can understand how all these things started.

My son graduated from secondary school (a boarding school) in 2017 at 16 years old... Initially, he said he wanted to study computer science as he said that was the course he loved and wanted to study. But my husband refused and persuaded him to study pharmacy because he worked at NAFDAC and he saw the way pharmacy graduates were living at his work place and the salary they were recieving. He and one of his chemist friend sweet talked him into going to study the course and I guess it was because he was young then and could not challenge his dad then that was why he gave in....

He wrote JAMB but he did not meet the cut of mark for pharmacy (but I later realised his score was good for computer science then)... No public University was willing to admit him for pharmacy then because his score was not good for the course but due to my husband love for the course and not wanting my son to lose admission that year , he decided to go the way of private University not minding their school fees...Long story cut short, my son got admitted into Madonna University where we were paying 1M naira every year.....After 3 years in the school and in 300L @18 years old, he began saying he was not interested in the school any longer, that he was tired of the course, that he's body is no longer in the school and blablabla that he wants to go and play football in Europe...

He came back for holiday during the beginning of covid and refused to go back to the school when they resumed, saying that he was only wasting our money by being in that school and he did not want to continue.....This got my husband really sad and angry....My son stayed home for almost two years doing nothing because my husband was adamant that if he would not go back to school, nothing for him, that all the money he has spent for school fees in that school can not be for waste that he can become a footballer after he graduates, saying no one can become a successful footballer without being a graduate, that it would later affect them in life...

But my son refused. I must confess, my son is extremely good at playing football. That was the talent i can confidently say that God personally gave to him from birth. Infact when he was graduating from secondary school, they gave him the award for the best graduating footballer and he was always the centre of attention anytime he plays at our church events. He friends used to call him "nima" then, I think...

I and my husband got tired of him staying at home for long so I went to meet with one pastor in our street who was based in the UK with his family but comes home sometimes for church related matters. I explained my son's situation to him and he offered to help my son travel out to chase his football career provided we have the funds for it. The man was secondary school class mates with "victor ikpe ekong" who was a former super eagles player but currently a pastor in Sweden. To my greatest surprise he called him on a WhatsApp video call in my presence and i was really surprised...He gave me the man's phone number to keep in contact and also scheduled a day to meet with my husband and have a discussion.. I told my son and he was very happy..I also told my husband and he was eager to meet with him at least, anything to solve my sons idleness at the time..

The pastor came to my our house on several occasions and discussed with my husband. My husband kept telling the pastor, saying he would like my son to be going to school while chasing his football career at the same time, a feat which pastor let us know would be difficult as one has to be dropped for the other. Unfortunately, my husband changed he's mind and said he was no longer interested in the whole footballer thing. He said he knew that my son wanted to become a footballer only because of girls. That he, my son knew that if he becomes a footballer, all the girls would like him, that that was the only reason he wanted to become a footballer, and that if football was his true destiny, he doesn't need to travel out for it to manifest, that he can be in Nigeria and make it from here.....That was how that chapter close like that. Pastor left for England few months after.....

After years of my son staying at home, my husband got tired. One night, he hired some Street thugs to come take my son away and beat him up...my son stayed with them for 2 weeks. When he returned, he said he was ready to go back to school. But my husband told him he won't be going back to any private University again. My son wrote jamb again to study computer science and was admitted into COOU. but my said he would not allow him go to any University that is not in the same state we are residing. Now the problem here was that all the public schools in the state we are staying will not accept you to study computer science unless you did chemistry in jamb. And my son did not do chemistry in jamb because he is not good in chemistry. If he was to study in the same state we were staying, he had to settle for another course, which he did...Now another problem arose. My husband refused to rent an apartment for my son around the school because the school is considerably far from our house, instead he decided to be giving him money (2000) everyday as transport fare to be going from home. This did not sit down well with my the boy and he again, said he was no longer interested in schooling again sef that he can't be going such far distance from home to the school everyday to study a Course he does not even like siting that it would be stressful and affect his academics and that it was unwise to be paying 60k a year as school fees while you spend 2k everyday as transport..My husband got angry and called on our estate CSO to come pick him up. They beat him so badly in public that when he got back home later in the evening, I went to check him in his room, his buttocks and back where scarred and red with huge marks...

Ever since, he has been going to the school from home and he has become very distant from us especially his dad. They don't talk again in the same house except "good morning sir"...

My son has turned into something else. He can stay indoors from morning till night. I would have said he has started keeping bad company but he does not even have a single friend, not one..Nobody calls him, and he doesn't call anybody...I have five children and he is the first. The second and third already gained admission this year in a private University and are in school currently, so he and he's last two siblings are the only one's with us now..

Why I'm writing this is because I'm scared..I'm beginning to fear that my son might commit suicide, he's beginning to show that kind of attitude.. And the plans he have to leave us forever to go and stay alone, I don't like it ohhhh...

Nairalanders please I need your advice.

hello

I wish to have your husband as my father. I'd be the most luckiest boy on planet earth. Your son seems to be a spoilt brat because he has a well to do father spending millions for his education and still have the guts to dropout without thinking twice. Wow!

I wish, i wish, i wish sincerely

Iliveforever:
I think you people started late with the iron hand.

Involve him in family activities like church (Sunday service, mid-week service, make him join maybe the usher or choir), sometimes knowingly ask him questions involving the family issues and seek his ideas even though you won’t be making use of it much, send him on family errands and try and make him in charge to boost his self esteem.

Las las you guys have to seriously pray

I’m sorry to say this but you don’t have sense. So you cannot see that the father is at fault? I pity for those around you….. God forbid

chicfarmer:
Three mistakes were made
1. He should have been allowed to study his preferred course- Computer Science
2. You guys should have grabbed the pastor's help to enable him launch his football career.
3. Your husband should NEVER have brutalized his own son whether by himself or hired thugs. That has broken the young man.

Possible Solutions:
You must try to reach him emotionally, connect with him no matter how hard it may seem. You the mother have a very important role to play here. Get him to open up and start talking. If he keeps bottling up his anger, he is gonna blow up one day. I do not wish you this.

His father owes him an apology for getting thugs to brutalize him. You must convince your husband to take this first step to aid his healing. His father should be his protector, not his tormentor.

You may also need to seek professional help to aid his healing. Show him more love.

You've spoken well.

Sadly, the kind of father in this story may not want to reconcile with his son. He's a proud man. I suspect he's a cultist. Because I'm still wondering how a man can be so heartless to cause his son so much pain.

I usually pity women in this kind of situation because most times, they don't have a say, especially when they're only housewife and completely dependent on the man.

@op, I feel your pains as a mom. Take heart dear. Your husband messed up that boy. The way forward right now is reconciliation and the object in every reconciliatory process is apology. Your husband must apologize to that boy and draw him to himself.

I don't even know where he got the idea that studying Pharmacy is better than Computer Science. I sincerely don't know who told him that. I don't even see any course better than Computer Science in the university right now within and outside of this country. He was only trying to use his myopic mind to suppress that boy.

How much the f*ck is NDLEA paying Pharmacists? Are they paying them in FX? No! But an advanced Computer Scientist can be paid in FX in this country. Even as it stands, that boy can still study Computer and become better than that man in the next 5-7 years.

I'm glad he's still got age by his side. The only challenge right now is to get him out of depression and sadly, it's only your husband that can play a good role here. In any case he refuse to make amends with the boy, just ask him to step aside and leave the boy for you.

If the young lad is still interested in Computer Science, get him to do it and I can promise that you won't regret it. I won't discourage him from pursuing football but you guys should ONLY consider that option if there's someone to facilitate playing in Europe for him. You may also consider getting admission for him in a football academy in Europe.

All the best to you and your family

I wonder why you're pretending as if you don't know the architect of his problems. His father/ your husband has destroyed that boy completely.

I am very angry right now, that boy is very patient...... Someone like me would have committed murder a long time ago.


Nonsense!

Fathers don't provoke your sons.

AndrewTate:
what would it cost to allow him study what he wanted in the first place?
What did it cost to take him to a private university just to force his will on him?
There is something in your head but it's not a brain... It's something, I don't know what its called but it's responsible for your one sided thinking!
Stupidity warrior!

na shit full e brain

Esortigress:
Your husband is the cause of everything

I swear. Gone are those days you force a kid into doing virtually everything you want. Allow the boy live life abeg. Imagine giving him transport to school everyday. How will he socialize. The man has succeeded in putting him into depression

booksbo0k:
Sorry for the long write up my people, I need advice.

My first son has been behaving somehow in our family, as if he's not part of this family...
You and this boy can be in the same house but you might not set your eyes on him once for a whole day. He will be inside his room through out...

He has been telling me that he is currently working on going to rent his own place and live on his own and that if God helps him and he is able to achieve that, He will not have anything to do with our family again and that we will never set eyes on him ever again :[ ...

I would have not been bothered by such statement if it were coming from someone else, I would take it as a bluff. But this my son is someone that normally doesn't call people to check on them, not even us his parents..

When he was in his previous University before he dropped out, this boy can go for months, that is a whole semester stretch without calling anybody to know how you're doing, except you call him or maybe he wants to ask for money for something or school stuff....

We have five children and he is the first, the second and third children are away in University, he and the two last siblings are the only one's with us.. My husband refused him from going to University in a far place instead he gives him transport money to be going to his own University from home everyday...... He and his father don't even talk again except good morning greetings. He is only 21 ohh..

Let me give you guys small back story so that you can understand how all these things started.

My son graduated from secondary school (a boarding school) in 2017 at 16 years old... Initially, he said he wanted to study computer science as he said that was the course he loved and wanted to study. But my husband refused and persuaded him to study pharmacy because he worked at NAFDAC and he saw the way pharmacy graduates were living at his work place and the salary they were recieving. He and one of his chemist friend sweet talked him into going to study the course and I guess it was because he was young then and could not challenge his dad then that was why he gave in....

He wrote JAMB but he did not meet the cut of mark for pharmacy (but I later realised his score was good for computer science then)... No public University was willing to admit him for pharmacy then because his score was not good for the course but due to my husband love for the course and not wanting my son to lose admission that year , he decided to go the way of private University not minding their school fees...Long story cut short, my son got admitted into Madonna University where we were paying 1M naira every year.....After 3 years in the school and in 300L @18 years old, he began saying he was not interested in the school any longer, that he was tired of the course, that he's body is no longer in the school and blablabla that he wants to go and play football in Europe...

He came back for holiday during the beginning of covid and refused to go back to the school when they resumed, saying that he was only wasting our money by being in that school and he did not want to continue.....This got my husband really sad and angry....My son stayed home for almost two years doing nothing because my husband was adamant that if he would not go back to school, nothing for him, that all the money he has spent for school fees in that school can not be for waste that he can become a footballer after he graduates, saying no one can become a successful footballer without being a graduate, that it would later affect them in life...

But my son refused. I must confess, my son is extremely good at playing football. That was the talent i can confidently say that God personally gave to him from birth. Infact when he was graduating from secondary school, they gave him the award for the best graduating footballer and he was always the centre of attention anytime he plays at our church events. He friends used to call him "nima" then, I think...

I and my husband got tired of him staying at home for long so I went to meet with one pastor in our street who was based in the UK with his family but comes home sometimes for church related matters. I explained my son's situation to him and he offered to help my son travel out to chase his football career provided we have the funds for it. The man was secondary school class mates with "victor ikpe ekong" who was a former super eagles player but currently a pastor in Sweden. To my greatest surprise he called him on a WhatsApp video call in my presence and i was really surprised...He gave me the man's phone number to keep in contact and also scheduled a day to meet with my husband and have a discussion.. I told my son and he was very happy..I also told my husband and he was eager to meet with him at least, anything to solve my sons idleness at the time..

The pastor came to my our house on several occasions and discussed with my husband. My husband kept telling the pastor, saying he would like my son to be going to school while chasing his football career at the same time, a feat which pastor let us know would be difficult as one has to be dropped for the other. Unfortunately, my husband changed he's mind and said he was no longer interested in the whole footballer thing. He said he knew that my son wanted to become a footballer only because of girls. That he, my son knew that if he becomes a footballer, all the girls would like him, that that was the only reason he wanted to become a footballer, and that if football was his true destiny, he doesn't need to travel out for it to manifest, that he can be in Nigeria and make it from here.....That was how that chapter close like that. Pastor left for England few months after.....

After years of my son staying at home, my husband got tired. One night, he hired some Street thugs to come take my son away and beat him up...my son stayed with them for 2 weeks. When he returned, he said he was ready to go back to school. But my husband told him he won't be going back to any private University again. My son wrote jamb again to study computer science and was admitted into COOU. but my said he would not allow him go to any University that is not in the same state we are residing. Now the problem here was that all the public schools in the state we are staying will not accept you to study computer science unless you did chemistry in jamb. And my son did not do chemistry in jamb because he is not good in chemistry. If he was to study in the same state we were staying, he had to settle for another course, which he did...Now another problem arose. My husband refused to rent an apartment for my son around the school because the school is considerably far from our house, instead he decided to be giving him money (2000) everyday as transport fare to be going from home. This did not sit down well with my the boy and he again, said he was no longer interested in schooling again sef that he can't be going such far distance from home to the school everyday to study a Course he does not even like siting that it would be stressful and affect his academics and that it was unwise to be paying 60k a year as school fees while you spend 2k everyday as transport..My husband got angry and called on our estate CSO to come pick him up. They beat him so badly in public that when he got back home later in the evening, I went to check him in his room, his buttocks and back where scarred and red with huge marks...

Ever since, he has been going to the school from home and he has become very distant from us especially his dad. They don't talk again in the same house except "good morning sir"...

My son has turned into something else. He can stay indoors from morning till night. I would have said he has started keeping bad company but he does not even have a single friend, not one..Nobody calls him, and he doesn't call anybody...I have five children and he is the first. The second and third already gained admission this year in a private University and are in school currently, so he and he's last two siblings are the only one's with us now..

Why I'm writing this is because I'm scared..I'm beginning to fear that my son might commit suicide, he's beginning to show that kind of attitude.. And the plans he have to leave us forever to go and stay alone, I don't like it ohhhh...

Nairalanders please I need your advice.

Too bad. If I was this son, I for sue my father. Your husband don't have listening abilities on his kids. This is no more the time of you must study what I want you to. Being his father doesn't define his happiness. He has his life to live. You both are there to support him. Your son is dead walking. He's not a happy child.
God please heal him. Amen.

You the parents and especially the husband have so much frustrated this young lad. Now he is always tired of this life at a tender age. as a father, your husband was supposed to guide him to what he (the boy) wanted to do and is good at. Afterall computer science is not bad. Well, right now u just need to find a way to please this young man so as to make him come back to his normal self

You have a very stubborn, ignorant and a selfish husband.

He's damaged that boy and if something isn't done urgently, you will lose him.

He even hire thugs to be beating his own son. What a giant prick of a man he is!

You are one those mothers who can't have a say in the home. Your husband rules over you and you're happy watching whilst this very wicked man destroys your son.

If he does this to his own son, I wonder how he treats others

Fiscus105:
I think he got the issue from boarding house.

Meanwhile, did he use to interact with outsiders?

I mean if u know any of his close friends or even girlfriends?

parents are wrong too Oga, The father and mother are at fault here.

Ask your husband if he knows, how much footballers earn.