Airdrophunter:
■ Yes, my story is different, but I just want her to see things from a different perspective, which is why I needed an account.
■ According to her story, she tried, but I don't think leaving him is the best option. In that situation, was he gambling, womanizing, or beating her? I suppose not.
■ I believe he still requires additional encouragement and support.
■ I only say a few words about denying the kids UK travel because I don't want to talk about her too much. She believes I will not return the children to her if they travel, and she wishes to accompany them... Such a witty individual. I wish the lady all the best with her decision.

1. Your post made it seem like what she was seeing and feeling was all wrong. That the red flags which presented themselves even before she went into the union with her husband were not real but imagined.

2. Marriage is an agreement signed between a man and a woman. When one party refuses to keep his end of the bargain/agreement, that marriage is already violated. OP has been married to herself through the course of her marriage as she described — she has been literally living as a glorified single mother (with a "Mrs. Badge).

3. He didn't require encouragement for marriage, to have kids, na to do what he most given the responsibilities he chose to take on his person that he requires encouragement for? Who is to give him this? His mother and father? Or do you want to turn his wife into a mental healthy counselor for his sake as well?

4. If she wants to then ask her to pay her way while you pay just for the kids who are equally yours. Or you can go to court to have your marriage legally dissolved and custody shared between you both so you can have your kids for a period too..

cococandy:
Seems like you’re the man in question

See subtle threats and blaming the OP

You just expose your mediocrity. I mean. Maybe u are the friend or lover going by your own logic.

Hamzat7:



Are u in same shoe with her husband

I have been into it,but not anymore.

Kobojunkie:
Let's for the sake of debate assume the man is depressed. He went ahead and got married, and had kids, all in the midst of depression. He took on responsibilities and burdens that a depressed individual would know not to take on in wisdom. He lost his job and in the midst of all that does not contribute even to work at home, and did not at least cry out for help or ask for it from anyone. I put it to you that those aren't signs of depression but wickedness on top of what may also include depression.

No. I take it you must be wrong.

These story is so sweet in the first place. Believe me I have been in the shoe of that husband.

And my wife could make the story so good and sweet and say she does everything in the house even went ahead to tell her family the same.

Which is not true.

Look. The truth of these matter is that.

Madam here, dont or no longer love her husband. Due to his inability to provide as he used to. She feels only hatred, and despise him. She has went through stages of suffering and supporting her home and the husband. So now she feels he'll no!

The truth again is that.

Woman of today Are not able to carry the pressure and amount of responsibilities that comes with marriage.

Only 1 child or 2. See them shouting. And reducing the man to zero value.

But our mothers had 8, 9 kids then but they still worked together to support and build there marriage.

So my final thought here is.

Due to the time we are in.

Life of immorality, adultery. Lack of self respect. Life of competition and wanting to be like others. Not cutting the cloths according to the size, Life of personal interest in marriages are the major reasons while these stories keeps on coming about our marriages of today.

Life and marriage could be very sweet and beautiful if only we went back to the drawing board and know that marriage is for better and for worse..

Loving and being a die hard fan and supporter of the person you claim you love.

When the husband is down... the wife would recognize these and push him up. Vice-versa

ahnie:
Oga he has bn lazy right from dating time.pls spare us this trash.

This right here is a projection of your current foresight. U have that mindset .. so its locked someone in your head..

Mimicle101:
■ No. I take it you must be wrong. These story is so sweet in the first place. Believe me I have been in the shoe of that husband. And my wife could make the story so good and sweet and say she does everything in the house even went ahead to tell her family the same. Which is not true. Look. The truth of these matter is that. Madam here, dont or no longer love her husband. Due to his inability to provide as he used to. She feels only hatred, and despise him. She has went through stages of suffering and supporting her home and the husband. So now she feels he'll no! The truth again is that. Woman of today Are not able to carry the pressure and amount of responsibilities that comes with marriage. Only 1 child or 2. See them shouting. And reducing the man to zero value. But our mothers had 8, 9 kids then but they still worked together to support and build there marriage. So my final thought here is. Due to the time we are in. Life of immorality, adultery. Lack of self respect. Life of competition and wanting to be like others. Not cutting the cloths according to the size, Life of personal interest in marriages are the major reasons while these stories keeps on coming about our marriages of today. Life and marriage could be very sweet and beautiful if only we went back to the drawing board and know that marriage is for better and for worse.. Loving and being a die hard fan and supporter of the person you claim you love. When the husband is down... the wife would recognize these and push him up. Vice-versa

Your story reads like a desperate attempt by your person to turn the narrative around to fit exactly that which occludes your mind there. You are not OP neither are you the husband or any of the kids in the family but somehow you are convinced your tale rings truer than the one OP has told. To what end, I am not certain.

Kobojunkie:
Let's for the sake of debate assume the man is depressed. He went ahead and got married, and had kids, all in the midst of depression. He took on responsibilities and burdens that a depressed individual would know not to take on in wisdom. He lost his job and in the midst of all that does not contribute even to work at home, and did not at least cry out for help or ask for it from anyone. I put it to you that those aren't signs of depression but wickedness on top of what may also include depression.

Less take a few steps back and be respectful of the subject in question here. I'm confident that this story is either sentimental or incomplete. Let's just presume she's factual and that means she's made the 'mistake'. Cos I'd like to ask if she didn't even notice this after her first kid enough to avoid a second. It would seem to me she picked the guy and probably pressured him for marriage; as it seems, she too has nothing reality for a job to sustain the home.
So 'mistakes' made, here's the way forward.
Stick to the home and persist in it as long as it's safe(devoid of battery/abuse). This isn't the time to separate from him because what u may have to bear may not be pleasant. Think about it: how long will u stay with your parents, if u eventually move out won't u be paying the rent. Plus u just freed him up from his responsibility at all; he will more easily pick up a new girl and abandon u with the lots. Should life smile at him, you have already given him excuses not to care by quitting on him while he's in his lowest moments.
IF U HAVE THOUGHT CAREFULLY ABOUT IT AND STILL WISH TO QUIT, THEN DO IMMEDIATELY AND FACE YOUR NEW REALITY.
But I tell u, it will only make u another bitter single mum.

Kobojunkie:
Your story reads like a desperate attempt by your person to turn the narrative around to fit exactly that which occludes your mind there. You are not OP neither are you the husband or any of the kids in the family but somehow you are convinced your tale rings truer than the one OP has told. To what end, I am not certain.

I hope you didn't miss where I said I was in the same shoe as her husband?

Kobojunkie:
1. Ginger a grown man , who has children and hence responsibilities that ought to be his motivating factor, up? Are you being foolish or something?

There are manythings u may not know. People are different u know.

amSTARboy:


He seems irresponsible with your write up….
I suggest you take a break and go to your family….
Re negotiate your marriage contract….
Cheating is not an option.

NB: For better for worse…. You made that vow at the alter

As soon as she mentioned cheating as an option, I knew her story has k leg. She is looking for an excuse to cheat. Must a man make you rich and comfortable, can't a woman hustle and make money without sleeping with a man.

JeffreyJunior:
I'm not in her shoes right now but if I were, I'd deal with his mental state first before dealing with him.

Encourage him in whatever way to talk about what bothers him, help him start over by encouraging him to start applying for jobs.

Do every thing on my own to help push him up without involving outsiders until that I’m satisfied I've done my best

I’d bet she already did all that and anymore of it would actually be considered nagging.

manigold:
■ Less take a few steps back and be respectful of the subject in question here. I'm confident that this story is either sentimental or incomplete. Let's just presume she's factual and that means she's made the 'mistake'. Cos I'd like to ask if she didn't even notice this after her first kid enough to avoid a second. It would seem to me she picked the guy and probably pressured him for marriage; as it seems, she too has nothing reality for a job to sustain the home.

■ So 'mistakes' made, here's the way forward.
Stick to the home and persist in it as long as it's safe(devoid of battery/abuse). This isn't the time to separate from him because what u may have to bear may not be pleasant. Think about it: how long will u stay with your parents, if u eventually move out won't u be paying the rent. Plus u just freed him up from his responsibility at all; he will more easily pick up a new girl and abandon u with the lots.
■ Should life smile at him, you have already given him excuses not to care by quitting on him while he's in his lowest moments.
IF U HAVE THOUGHT CAREFULLY ABOUT IT AND STILL WISH TO QUIT, THEN DO IMMEDIATELY AND FACE YOUR NEW REALITY.
■ But I tell u, it will only make u another bitter single mum.

1. If you read the story, you would see that OP admits the signs were there before she married the man. As for pressuring the man into marriage, are you suggesting he is some sort of imbe-cile that she made marry her against his will?

2. Stick to the home, you say, why? To what end? What purpose?

She frees him from responsibility by moving out? Are you paying any attention at all? The man took on all of that burden without in fact bearing any of the responsibilities himself --- OP has been the one doing it all the while and carrying him too. Why should she continue living that way when she now knows how wicked of a being he can be to his own children.

3. Well, if life "shines" on him and he still refuses to at least take care of his kids then it means he was always an irresponsible and she should spare her kids of any more hurt.

4.

Kobojunkie:
1. Your post made it seem like what she was seeing and feeling was all wrong. That the red flags which presented themselves even before she went into the union with her husband were not real but imagined.

2. Marriage is an agreement signed between a man and a woman. When one party refuses to keep his end of the bargain/agreement, that marriage is already violated. OP has been married to herself through the course of her marriage as she described — she has been living as a glorified single mother (with a "Mrs Badge).

3. He didn't require encouragement for marriage, to have kids, na to do what he most given the responsibilities he chose to take on his person that he requires encouragement for? Who is to give him this? His mother and father? Or do you want to turn his wife into a mental healthy counsellor for his sake as well?

4. If she wants to then ask her to pay her way while you pay just for the kids who are equally yours. Or you can go to court to have your marriage legally dissolved and custody shared between you both so you can have your kids for a period too. .X

I choose to reply to the bolded only because I don't want to go further on the lady's case.

I have access to my kids, though sometimes she insisted I picked them up myself not knowing the brain behind it. But I have full access to them, just that I don't want to see her in the picture of anything.

I know it's affecting my kids somehow but I believe it's the best decision for myself for now.

Skyview01:


See them! They will go through life without learning a thing!.

Millions of them know nothing about God but will be first to bring God into simple basic conversations.

Don't develop yourself/ get a job, go and marry a lazy, poor man and come on Nairaland to create sob stories.

People like moneyissweet are the lots populating this hell hole nigeria with babies without plans to take care of them. Breeding like rats.

I dont blame them. We dont take child support seriously in this so called country called Nigeria.

E go better later mentality.

Dangote would loose everything and still be paying rent like the Op's Husband

Mumu person.

Mimicle101:
■ I hope you didn't miss where I said I was in the same shoe as her husband?

Unless you are her husband , don't pretend your story matches her to a T. Tell your own story make we hear am instead.

njelrapheal:
■ There are manythings u may not know. People are different u know.

1. I don't know it all but I know mental illness is not meant to be used as a cop-out by anyone.

Airdrophunter:
■ I choose to reply to the bolded only because I don't want to go further on the lady's case.

I have access to my kids, though sometimes she insisted I picked them up myself not knowing the brain behind it. But I have full access to them, just that I don't want to see her in the picture of anything.
I know it's affecting my kids somehow but I believe it's the best decision for myself for now.

It is always the innocent ones that suffer the most when two adults refuse to do what is necessary.

Nasri100:


People like moneyissweet are the lots populating this hell hole nigeria with babies without plans to take care of them. Breeding like rats.

I dont blame them. We dont take child support seriously in this so called country called Nigeria.

E go better later mentality.

Dangote would loose everything and still be paying rent like the Op's Husband

Mumu person.

Thank you my brother!. I am on a social crusade to change our mentalities as a people. A greater part of our cultures and past ways of thinking must be changed for us to live meaningful lives.

Marriage is not your get rich ticket!

you must plan for yourself and then marry a man who has planned for himself as well. No kids 3-4 years after marriage so the new couple can save/ invest for the children's future. Afterwards 1 to 2 kids max.

There is a real life consequence for a lack of planning!

fortunateme:
Giftedhands45
I'm summary, you want to activate hoelosho mode? With 2 kids, finding true love is a mare wishful thinking. Just prepare your Congo for general knacking in exchange for some change.
Your husband is lazy. Towards the expiration of your rent move your children out to your family house. Watch him get gingered to act like a man should

Separate but don't sleep with no man, respect your marital vows, divorce if he won't repent after a set time, forget the marriage and move on. Leave, I repeat, leave before you carry another belle. Seeing their wives pregnant is the joy of poor man.

manigold:



Less take a few steps back and be respectful of the subject in question here. I'm confident that this story is either sentimental or incomplete. Let's just presume she's factual and that means she's made the 'mistake'. Cos I'd like to ask if she didn't even notice this after her first kid enough to avoid a second. It would seem to me she picked the guy and probably pressured him for marriage; as it seems, she too has nothing reality for a job to sustain the home.
So 'mistakes' made, here's the way forward.
Stick to the home and persist in it as long as it's safe(devoid of battery/abuse). This isn't the time to separate from him because what u may have to bear may not be pleasant. Think about it: how long will u stay with your parents, if u eventually move out won't u be paying the rent. Plus u just freed him up from his responsibility at all; he will more easily pick up a new girl and abandon u with the lots. Should life smile at him, you have already given him excuses not to care by quitting on him while he's in his lowest moments.
IF U HAVE THOUGHT CAREFULLY ABOUT IT AND STILL WISH TO QUIT, THEN DO IMMEDIATELY AND FACE YOUR NEW REALITY.
But I tell u, it will only make u another bitter single mum.

I love your comments here.

Let me expose myself abit more.

What she wrote here is exactly what happened to my marriage.

Even her role.

The only little difference is that I was still fighting and trying to get my finances fixed.

But my wife feels it should rather do some other jobs which she feels can bring quicker or stable money. Which I declined as i still love my previous job I had lost . And still fighting to get it back. (.....)

Fast forward.

From 2 months back, my wife started doing the very wicked thing a lady suggested here.

Stop sex,

Eat alone,

Don't care for him etc.


While I have been busy stressing my brains out, with so many sleepless nights thinking on how to change my situations.

I went 2 days without eating but my wife had the money. And she ordered take away and ate alone.

My inability to provide anymore as I faced my worse life challenges, after she gave up and stopped supporting me or the house. I became her worse enemy. I mean. Hatred with Passion.

As I type these is the 5th day she moved out of the house with my son.

And since we have not communicated


So I understand these post real well.



Poster. Please kindly and gently speak to your husband. With love and respect.

Put head together with him. With patience and see how both of you can work things out.

To me, I don't think separation is the key here.

As I strongly believe things will bounce back. He needs you the most these time.

It's tough. Just try to be patience. And when things bouce back.

You would have earned the best part of his heart.

Kobojunkie:
Unless you are her husband , don't pretend your story matches her to a T. Tell your own story make we hear am instead.

Just did partially

Skyview01:


Thank you my brother!. I am on a social crusade to change our mentalities as a people. A greater part of our cultures and past ways of thinking must be changed for us to live meaningful lives.

Marriage is not your get rich ticket, you must plan for yourself and then marry a man who has panned for himself as well. No kids after 3-4 years after marriage so the new couple can save/ invest for the children's future.

There is a real life consequence for a lack of planning!

That's it. Planning!

People don't want to assume responsibility especially Nigerians. Always moaning and complaining.

Nigerian men must know the pressure is always on us. That's the curse of every man. You must work and provide for your family (Miss and kid/kids)

Women have a choice, Men don't.

So before you start bringing kids, you must be ready mentally and also financially and your other half must equally be ready.

Mimicle101:
■ I love your comments here. Let me expose myself abit more. What she wrote here is exactly what happened to my marriage. Even her role.

The only little difference is that I was still fighting and trying to get my finances fixed. But my wife feels it should rather do some other jobs which she feels can bring quicker or stable money. Which I declined as i still love my previous job I had lost . And still fighting to get it back. (.....)

Fast forward. From 2 months back, my wife started doing the very wicked thing a lady suggested here. Stop sex, Eat alone, Don't care for him etc. While I have been busy stressing my brains out, with so many sleepless nights thinking on how to change my situations.

I went 2 days without eating but my wife had the money. And she ordered take away and ate alone.

My inability to provide anymore as I faced my worse life challenges, after she gave up and stopped supporting me or the house. I became her worse enemy. I mean. Hatred with Passion. As I type these is the 5th day she moved out of the house with my son. And since we have not communicated So I understand these post real well.
Poster. Please kindly and gently speak to your husband. With love and respect. Put head together with him. With patience and see how both of you can work things out. To me, I don't think separation is the key here. As I strongly believe things will bounce back. He needs you the most these time. It's tough. Just try to be patience. And when things bouce back. You would have earned the best part of his heart.

Your story reads absolutely nothing at like OP'S story or situation which is that she has been living as the provider in her marriage for years now.

Nasri100:


That's it. Planning!

People don't want to assume responsibility especially Nigerians. Always moaning and complaining.

Nigerian men must know the pressure is always on us. That's the curse of every man. You must work and provide for your family (Miss and kid/kids)

Women have a choice, Men don't.

So before you start bringing kids, you must be ready mentally and also financially and your other half must equally be ready.

Gbam!

Mimicle101:
■ Just did partially

You didn't read the Op at all, or you intentionally wish to make light her situation in order to push your opinions. She has been carrying the burden in her home for years whereas your story reads that it has only been a few months for you in your condition. Why do you want to desperately make light of what may be OP'S sincere out cry here?

I will say carry your cross oo most women are too blindfolded with love and you will be dating a man and be the one spending for him forgetting that you are creating the anvenue for him to be lazy

Giftedhands45:
I have to join this forum to post this tonight.

I'm in my early thirties, my husband is just two years older than me. My husband has always been neglecting his responsibilities even before we got married, but I was seeing it as he doesn't have a better job and a struggling guy whom we can both join hands together to build each other. I endured everything with him. I have always supported and provided without complain.
Since last year my husband lost his job, since then, he has refused to look for any other source of income. Even when he had a job, he always have one story or the other to tell about his monthly salaries. So, he still doesn't provide.
Once, there's nothing in the house, he will keep watching because I can't watch my two children Starve. I will try everything, even call friends, families and borrow. He doesn't care how I borrowed and how I paid.


Now, he wakes up every morning and still go back to sleep. Whatever I asked him, he don't always have. He's response always is ''I don't have money ''
I am the only one sourcing out everything in this house, I don't have a job as well, just struggling up and down with a business I do.

There's no food, school fees, bill, everything, he will ignore. I can't watch my children suffer. So, I keep struggling without any help. But he eats food and uses everything in the house with us. He wouldn't provide, but he can use them once they're available.
Our house rent will soon expire and he has no plan towards That. The previous one I paid, but presently, my business is down

Lately, I've been thinking. I've never cheated since I entered this marriage, but If I keep struggling all myself like this, my children will suffer. I feel, I need someone who loves me and willing to support me as well.
My children are too used to their father, it borders me if I separate them from him.

Leaving a marriage because he's not taking responsibilities, does that make me a bad woman?

What could make a man to be very comfortable not providing for his family but wouldn't want to loss the said family?

Have you ever been in my shoes, what would you advise me?

Sist. So sorry. You are in a very dare and painful situation, my advice is very simple, move back to your parent's home to cool off for some time. Let him understand that you are not leaving him, but that you just need to get your head and mind together. I'm sure he'll have a rethink.

When a wife narrates a story and doesn't mention one good thing about her husband, most likely she don add salt& maggi. It's just a phase, he will scale through.

Only God knows heap of curses and unprintable she has called him. You think he is useless?ok o

Men , pray nothing happens to your finance, that's when you know the woman you Married.

Jovialjune1:



What's with the insult? If I send you back home to your mother now, you will rain profanities on yourself, get sense.

Lol you called me an educated illiterate, to you that’s not an insult right ? It was a pet name but mine is the real insult. I can see through your double standard

Kobojunkie:
She was right to ask you that question regarding your ex. You chose to date an unemployed woman — your ex— whom you then proceeded to magically transform into something else — a businesswoman. Only to then ask us if the unemployed woman whom you chose to date was right in telling you straight up that she has no head for business or work. Your story has no connection to this or anything else on this current issue.

So why resort to insulting the other poster for questioning your logic for introducing such a story here?

She called men unwise and I tried to make her understand anyone can be lazy, man or woman but she couldn’t read between lines only to call me an educated illiterate, I bet she was right to do that ?

RoadMozart:

six years in secondary school, 5 years in the University. Not support from him. I remember a time in school when NEPA brought light and burnt down all my fan,laptop charger, phone charger, and so on. I called him cos I was short of cash then, he said he had no money that if I was pained I should come back home. I later learned that that time I called he haf over 300k on him.

I suffered in school because of his lackadaisical attitude. I always came home to do farm work to raise fees for myself and siblings. I went into freelance driving cos of him. Got to a time when I was do depressed that I attempted suicide. I was dejected and even thought its better to be fatherless than have someone like him.

I graduated from school with him not knowing the name of my school. All he did was sleep, wake up, listen to radio, watch tv, spend the little he had on suya and all kinds of nonsense.

I have always said it is better to have one single parent that cares than two that doesn't.

As much as I dislike LGBT, it's better to have a Trans father that cares, I mean those that wear bra and do make up, than a non-trans father that doesn't.

But people on NL will ask you to thank your creator because you have a father or mother no matter how horrible they may be.

I'm sorry you had to go through those.