Hi

I’m a girl in her late 20s, I live abroad was born here but spent most of my schooling years in Nigeria. I came back to do university. I’ve been with a guy now for 7 years who hasn’t paid my bride price properly due to the fact he did an arangee marriage and the divorce process is taking too long. I got with him in my early 20s.. and have a child with him. I believed in him but now I’m at the point where I’m honestly frustrated and tired. I really don’t know who to run to to express myself. We are living together but I really want to run away and start my life afresh but I want to be told the truth. I really want to be married and content, It feels like this guy has reduced me to nothing. Im so ashamed of my situation with him, it’s like I’ve disgraced myself and my family. I’m going to try and list out all the issues we’ve been facing.

1. He’s very confused about his career path. One minute he’s a musician.. then he wants to be a painter.. then he wants to be chef. This is a man in his late 30s

2. He has anger issues. We have tussled on some occasions and he threatens to beat me when he’s angry but so far he hasn’t

3. He has addictions. Betting drinking smoking. To the point where he drank so much that he almost killed himself . I was honestly fooled by the fact that he was a worker in the church and I “believed” I could change him. Young and dumb I guess.

4. Cannot communicate properly. To the point we have not had a proper conversation in almost 2 months but we are living together. I feel so lonely and stuck.

5. He insults me so bad to the point where I question myself.

6. He is not very hardworking and I don’t gel well with his family and friends.

7. None of his family ever talk about marriage or paying my bride price. All they ever ask is when I’m having another child for him. They have reduced me to nothing and I can’t blame them.

I will say that when I’m angry I can be verbally abusive also. He also claims that I’m too reserved and isolated. I feel like I’ve been pushed to the wall and I can’t recognise myself.

I really want to run away.. and start afresh. Where will I start from? I have a son how easy will it be to find love again? All the love I have for this man has gone..I don’t know if it can be rectified. He has really seen me finish.



Thank you .

front page please

Thanks

Many people do not know the power of giving yourself space in a relationship like this.
Op sorry for your experience though
.
.
That man you described isn't only confused, but in severe depression state and it's affecting you also. Who will help who now That's why 'we Nairalanders' are here to advice, so no one will have to die in silence...!

Eh?!
Run to Niger!

Bb

Redflag yafuyafu. How people who are not married live together still baffles me. You are not laying a good foundation for your life, you better use your head, no be me go Kom tell you say nyash Dy back, it's a common knowledge.

Wahala.. if all these are present, then what actually attracted you to him?? I'm very sure it's not money... Is it sex?? What exactly?

Just file for divorce on grounds of irreconcilable differences....
Rent a small apartment, and go with the child...
Move on...
Don't involve his family or your family...as the case is, you don't need dialogue, you don't need "To exercise patience", you need space!!!
Move on...
He can come visit his kid...
But you move on... There are other men out there who are better than him in everything including the Sex aspect... Check well

Case Dismissed...
Next Case Please...

It's a tough one especially with his addictions and lack of seriousness in carrier. Nevertheless, it's not going be easy for you when you quit. Are you working? And how far have you gone or intend to go on your profession. Am asking cos if you focus and channel your energy to your profession and job it will temporary calm your tension and time can work wonders. But on no occasion should you take in again under this condition.In all am suggesting you stay and focus more on your profession and pls don't take in again for now.

zarathustra:
It's a tough one especially with his addictions and lack of seriousness in carrier. Nevertheless, it's not going be easy for you when you quit. Are you working? And how far have you gone or intend to go on your profession. Am asking cos if you focus and channel your energy to your profession and job it will temporary calm your tension and time can work wonders. But on no occasion should you take in again under this condition.In all am suggesting you stay and focus more on your profession and pls don't take in again for now.

I’m working, I’m doing averagely okay. I can do better which I’m striving towards at the moment. Having a child really set me back but I’m getting there. The most important thing is that I have money coming in every month and I have a very supportive family.

zarathustra:
It's a tough one especially with his addictions and lack of seriousness in carrier . Nevertheless, it's not going be easy for you when you quit. Are you working? And how far have you gone or intend to go on your profession. Am asking cos if you focus and channel your energy to your profession and job it will temporary calm your tension and time can work wonders. But on no occasion should you take in again under this condition.In all am suggesting you stay and focus more on your profession and pls don't take in again for now.

Career

Pack things and leave


You are toying with your life... That your so-called man is a walking timebomb

Auntie leave his sorry lazy ass


Modified: nothing bout the gender of the kid.. please kindly specify

Sorry

Candidlady:
Pack things and leave


You are toying with your life... That your so-called man is a walking timebomb

Auntie leave his sorry lazy ass


Modified: nothing bout the gender of the kid.. please kindly specify

You are unwell. How dare you call someone partner a "walking timebomb"?! Even the op didm't describe her man in such wreckless way. She only stated what she's experiencing with her gee

With all the complain above, you still have it in mind for him/his family to propose.

Your relationship is fixable.
See professional to talk sense to his head.

Foodqueen:
With all the complain above, you still have it in mind for him/his family to propose.

I don’t think so. I think I can’t believe that I’ve reduced myself like this. It bothers me a lot..

Babe1994:
I’m working, I’m doing averagely okay. I can do better which I’m striving towards at the moment. Having a child really set me back but I’m getting there. The most important thing is that I have money coming in every month and I have a very supportive family.

With all you listed, do you still want him to pay your bride price?

Mindlog:


With all you listed, do you still want him to pay your bride price?

not really.. I guess I just feel ashamed of the situation I’m in. But then I ask myself how hard will it be to find someone else.. especially with a child?

What are sill doing with him? Force him to marry you or what? You made the mistake of cohabiting with him without marriage already. And with that he and his has no regard for you.

Pack up your things, take your kid and move far away from him and start your life afresh. This time around be more disciplined and don't allow any man ride you for free like this one.

Babe1994:
not really.. I guess I just feel ashamed of the situation I’m in. But then I ask myself how hard will it be to find someone else.. especially with a child?

Don't worry about that, you will find someone trust me. Put yourself, get fit and embrace yourself. They're lots of responsible men out there who will accept you wholeheartedly.

Babe1994:

I have a son how easy will it be to find love again?

It was never easy to find love in the first place, going from what you've listed above, and the sooner you realise that the better.

Fact is, you never found a person who loved you, and you are now caught up in a loveless relationship with someone who can't afford you and doesn't deserve you.

My advise is, learn to love yourself and treat yourself better than you currently are. All other things will fall in place if you do.

Babe1994:
not really.. I guess I just feel ashamed of the situation I’m in. But then I ask myself how hard will it be to find someone else.. especially with a child?

Your issue is that, you are least bothered about finding yourself but focusing on finding someone else. If you can't experience happiness being alone with yourself, no other person can fill that in for you.

Work on the core of who you want to be, your present relationship is not helping you to grow as a human being as you both are not good for each other, seeing each other as a stumbling block but still refusing to let go as deep down you both feel too devalued to be eligible for the scrutiny of a new relationship.

First love yourself.

What exactly is stopping you from leaving him? You are not legally married to him, you are his baby mama, so how exactly will staying with him change that?

You still love him

Just that his laziness and lack of carrier passion is making you sick.

Definitely you will find another man that will love you if you focus more on yourself.

Men will come
Besides you are not even up to the evening newspaper time.

Babe1994:
Hi

I’m a girl in her late 20s, I live abroad was born here but spent most of my schooling years in Nigeria. I came back to do university. I’ve been with a guy now for 7 years who hasn’t paid my bride price properly due to the fact he did an arangee marriage and the divorce process is taking too long. I got with him in my early 20s.. and have a child with him. I believed in him but now I’m at the point where I’m honestly frustrated and tired. I really don’t know who to run to to express myself. We are living together but I really want to run away and start my life afresh but I want to be told the truth. I really want to be married and content, It feels like this guy has reduced me to nothing. Im so ashamed of my situation with him, it’s like I’ve disgraced myself and my family. I’m going to try and list out all the issues we’ve been facing.

1. He’s very confused about his career path. One minute he’s a musician.. then he wants to be a painter.. then he wants to be chef. This is a man in his late 30s

2. He has anger issues. We have tussled on some occasions and he threatens to beat me when he’s angry but so far he hasn’t

3. He has addictions. Betting drinking smoking. To the point where he drank so much that he almost killed himself . I was honestly fooled by the fact that he was a worker in the church and I “believed” I could change him. Young and dumb I guess.

4. Cannot communicate properly. To the point we have not had a proper conversation in almost 2 months but we are living together. I feel so lonely and stuck.

5. He insults me so bad to the point where I question myself.

6. He is not very hardworking and I don’t gel well with his family and friends.

7. None of his family ever talk about marriage or paying my bride price. All they ever ask is when I’m having another child for him. They have reduced me to nothing and I can’t blame them.

I will say that when I’m angry I can be verbally abusive also. He also claims that I’m too reserved and isolated. I feel like I’ve been pushed to the wall and I can’t recognise myself.

I really want to run away.. and start afresh. Where will I start from? I have a son how easy will it be to find love again? All the love I have for this man has gone..I don’t know if it can be rectified. He has really seen me finish.

Mynd44 can this be on front page I need advice.

Thanks

I think the problem here is you not the guy

These are my assessments

You are talking about bride price when you are in a pitiable condition that you regard as marriage, whereas the guy and his family has no regards for you to so what will be the value of bride price being paid to tye you down for nothing

For seven years you stick to a man with no future and you don't know the exit route or are you under a spell

Your son can be taken to your parents then you get out and find your bearing

What makes you think you have a future staying with someone who doesn't even have directions

His family are asking you when you will have another child but having another child will be a bigger burden on you

You said you were abroad before coming home, why not go back and leave your child with your parents, or does it mean you don't know how to leave him and go your way or you don't know where you parents are
Or have your parents abandoned you too

Very soon, you too will lose focus and balance and that is when it will be dawn on you that you are at the point of no return

If you want to librate yourself, you know what to do

And if you still want to be in this tight corner, remain there,

Na your time they waste not the guys time

incandescentena:

Career

Thanks

😂

Cool

Hmmm

Oooopss.

Really sorry

You need the courage to leave. No one can do that for you other than yourself.

I had someone who was exactly in your situation years ago. Today, she is in her late 40s with 3 kids to the same guy who kept wasting her time. No marriage, no career, dropped out of uni to take care of baby, guy man kept promising heaven and earth and was doing nothing with his life save gambling and smoking. Used girl to get UK paper and are both living in council flats with no future. Wasted youth.

Now you have an opportunity to quit. Please talk to your family to support you that you want out. Your family would stand by you and hopefully you can redeem the situation. Now is the time.

You need a strong will to leave. May you find the courage to do right.