₦airaland Forum

Coivdgiveaway:
There is no dad beat Dad, he just didn't have enough capacity to provide. Deep down, he is sad he isn't able to provide the best for his seeds Life isn't as easy as you think it is

He couldn't provide but he could go find and marry and even have children with another woman.

Wisdom is lost to many, I am afraid!

omooba969:
You see, our women are funny...I mean they're comedians.

I saw a video earlier this year about a notorious deadbeat mum. The lady absconded, left her 1yr old son with her mother-in-law and hubby. According to her, she wasn't prepared to suffer/struggle with her husband. The mother-in-law volunteered to help raise the little boy, so that allowed the dad to fend for the family. No one knew the whereabout of this lady, even though they enquired from her own extended family, no one heard from her.

Suddenly, this notorious deadbeat mum showed up after 8 or 9 yrs demanding to now have the little boy she dumped. She actually eloped with another man, got married secretly but couldn't bear him a child, so she remembered having a child somewhere...lol. 😂

Grandma who's uneducated & of little financial means struggled raising the child, tried enrolling the little boy in the village school. Grandma refused to release the child to her, even the deadbeat mum's family took sides with grandma. She wailed so much, the whole palaver was very emotional.

Here's the funniest part, they asked the fool if she would be able to identify her son if they met....she couldn't answer.🤣🤣

Damn.

WE ARE NOTHING BUT PENCILS IN THE HANDS OF THE CREATOR........

LadyRosa2:
Hmm...Well, I dont think she is entirely liberated in the real sense, deep down she wish to settle. But the past keep reminding her not to.

No mind that one chanting LIBERATION.
Shoe wey u no wear na you dey talk how e dey pinch you

abbey621:
WE ARE NOTHING BUT PENCILS IN THE HANDS OF THE CREATOR........

nonsense claim!

LadyRosa2:
As the topic implies, this is a true life story.

Although my knowledge of this family started around when I was 19 years old.

I will call this friend of mine Sarah, the first child and daughter of her father. This true life story appears sad, and in my quiet times, especially recently, I'm beginning to feel sympathetic to both sides of the coin.

A few days ago, around 6 am, Sarah called me, and our conversation went like this;

Me: Babe, how far, this one you dey call by this time?
Sarah:I'm going to drop my papa at the park.
Me: for what na? Person wey just enter town yesterday? You for allow the man rest small...

Sarah: no be for my house, I don drop am, pay him transport, and still give am 5k to hold the body for the road.

Me: Babe, I dont support this one, in less than 24 hours your dad dey the Road for like 12 hours.

Sarah: That one no concern me, no be me invite am come.

A day earlier her father had called her from their previous location, he must have gotten there only to find out his 'ex-wife' had moved out. He decided to call Sarah, and she picked up, accommodated him for the night and bundled him back to the next available bus to Makurdi.

Truth be told, the ex-wife no longer lived in the slum he visited. She is now in a duplex, paid for by his first son. Let's call him David. David is in Europe and through one of my kinsmen, had secured a 3-bedroom duplex for his mom. His father is not aware of this.

Those children suffered men!

Big Mama, Sarah's mom was abandoned by her husband when Sarah was just 12 years old. The same year, Sarah was brutally raped by a neighbour because of 20 naira, while her mother was bedridden in the hospital after child evacuation. The father left while she was pregnant with the 5th child. Sarah would hawk all manner of foodstuffs to put food on the table. When she doesn't sell, she sells her body for peanuts to buy pepper and oil to make even the cheapest dried akro soup.

Her father had remarried and stopped caring about their welfare, a federal government worker in a good money-spinning ministry. He got transferred to another state and started a new life.

When I knew Sarah, she already had a child, a small saloon and four more mouths to feed. She would work in the morning and at night she would visit lounges. Life was hard, and so cigarettes and drinks became her god.Sarah till date is a chimney and she does so even in the presence of my husband, he no longer minds.

One cold night a couple of years ago, after we shared drinks at my place. She narrated how she and her siblings suffered.

" Sis, say my brother travel abroad, no be my power,na say God don look us say we don too suffer. David go gather wound for his body, from one Lebanese and Indian company to another, na so machine go dey cut cut his body. So so blue ink full him body"

I watched with tears how she broke down completely, spilling her wine all over my tiles.

"Sis, na 20 naira e take to lose my virginity, 20 naira!"

", My father...Wetin' we do am?!"

Two years ago and some months , she got a huge break. She called me to follow her to Transcorp Hilton and made me promise that I 'behave' myself.

We met this man, well groomed. We were half into the conversation when she looked at me with a forced smile, and said to me
" Sis, this is the man that raped me"

The spring rolls in my mouth turned into vinegar, my heart began to pound, and I could only see everyone but the man blurry. I eventually kept my cool but was silent the whole evening even as the man apologised profusely. My baby was beginning to cry, and I took the opportunity to leave their table because I was feeling sick and nauseated.

In less than 6 months after that encounter, he had secured a bigger and well-equipped saloon for her and had given her enough to travel out to buy hair.

Let's talk about David. David suffered oooo. I remembered one time I was going through her old pics and saw a younger version of David, sickly with his tummy protruded.

" My sister, na poison. My father come one day,, carry am go makurdi, na so person call my mother say make she come do carry her pikin before them kill am.My mother enters Moto, and as she stops for Keffi, she stand for Road dey beg for Moto wey go carry her reach makurdi, no money na. We carry am waka from one church to another before God just save that boy. "

I looked at the picture again and gently dropped it, still overwhelmed with internal grief. The first time I saw David in person after he graduated from the University ( he sponsored himself with the help of his sisters), I asked in bewilderment,

" So na this boy your father abandoned?"

Standing before me was a young man, fair, built and with a height I reckoned would be above 6. In inches. No wonder white women couldn't get off him as soon as he landed in Europe. He got married to one and life in that family changed in a flash. I enjoyed it for I got a cut from my father's kinsman when he bought a property.

Their father is no longer with the second wife, as she left him after three kids. He married a third and is now a retired pensioner.

Last night, while shopping together, Sarah was laughing and I asked, " Babe why you dey laugh"?

" When my father comes to my house, him dey ask me why I leave one bedroom go enter 3 bedrooms with my son. I tell am palee, this house no be rent o, na my house be this o."

" So wetin' him come talk?" I inquired.

"Wetin' him one talk again? Shebi waist pain wey my mama dey go through na say he left her when she was in her twenties. The woman has not seen Preek 4ck till today, because she carries church for the head. Woman wey him marry when she dey 17 years."

I choose to use the word ex-wife, but they never really divorced because the bride price paid is still binding. The fact that this woman who has suffered so much will soon be a mother-in-law to a German BMW Engineer in a few days is overwhelming. I wasn't surprised their last girl will end well, she's always looking like something out of foreign red carpets all the time. Like David, she is tall slim, surprisingly Conservative and intelligent.

Palee will be coming again to grace the marriage of one of the daughters he abandoned. Can't imagine his regret when he sleeps in a well-furnished duplex, away from the slum where he abandoned his children and wife many years ago, only to find out the first son from his loins bought that for his mother.

E go to pain am.

But one thing is certain or I think I noticed, David and Sarah still bear the hurt. The other kids have moved on, and don't mind being in their father's life.

I will advise every man to train a child outside his divorced wives kids. Very important. Whether Ur sis kids, baby man or village people kids.
Nigeria divorced kids turns out badly especially to the dad

correctguy101:
Though I feel I don't need to be married too to live . but

Sorry "Liberated" from what exactly?

VULCAN:
Empty barrels make the most noise.

Said it in my very next post - liberated from the ridiculous expectations, impositions, and norms of society - like that the whole point of a girl’s life is to enter some miserable marriage! She’s become an outlaw - she’s escaped the subconscious societal “laws” that keep people in prison - Liberated

FreeIgboho:
■ Said it in my very next post - liberated from the ridiculous expectations, impositions, and norms of society - like that the whole point of a girl’s life is to enter some miserable marriage! She’s become an outlaw - she’s escaped the subconscious societal “laws” that keep people in prison - Liberated

I beg to differ! Nothing of what OP said suggests this sort of liberation that you claim. For all we know, she probably still has those very demons haunting her to this day. She is a victim of circumstances and not one who chose, of her freewill, to free herself of those shackles. So, liberated, I very much doubt she is!

tete7000:
This is not comparable to Joseph's story. This story is rather about a woman who made a bad choice that left her children abused and traumatised. People can always choose right. If you can't choose right, stay single; marriage is not compulsory.

What right choice did Joseph make? How did he choose to be sold by his brothers??

Kobojunkie:
I beg to differ! Nothing of what OP said suggests this sort of liberation that you claim. For all we know, she probably still has those very demons haunting her to this day. She is a victim of circumstances and not one who chose, of her freewill, to free herself of those shackles. So, liberated, I very much doubt she is!

livebullet:
No mind that one chanting LIBERATION.
Shoe wey u no wear na you dey talk how e dey pinch you

OP said she DECIDED she didn’t need marriage. How many young ladies can do that. Vast majority automatically robotically get into some miserable marriage because that’s what society expects/mandates!

Benue are too selfish..
Please if you're not from Benue but unfortunately fall in love with their daughter, please and please, do your research about the family.
Most Benue people are too bad.
Yo! It's their normal character, so they don't see anything wrong with it.
They're often a bad and greedy in-laws.
Very very selfish people.

omooba969:
When shall we have a post on Deadbeat/ useless Mums?

Dey Play

There are extremely too few of those to warrant a thread

FreeIgboho:
■ OP said she DECIDED she didn’t need marriage.
■ How many young ladies can do that. Vast majority automatically robotically get into some miserable marriage because that’s what society expects/mandates!

For all we know, she may have taken that decision because she was raped at such a young age.

2. It is sad that even in this age we live in, society continues to push the same ill-formed norms, but the damage that OP described, along with other forms of rejection she may have experienced as a result of all she had to live with, can probably explain in this case why Sarah chose to forgo marriage, or at least said she has.

LadyRosa2:
So many mentions, but let me give an insight to the best of my knowledge.

I searched his profile on Facebook after obtaining his real name. I and my friend found out he is not based in the country. His kids, one of which is a daughter is a doctor already.

So from my calculations, if my friend was raped at 12, he should be around his early 30s at that time. So, it's like 25 years ago or more.

Whatever made him trace her to apologise, my friend was convinced enough to forgive.

Who am I to challenge her decision?

Lady! Your friend need Guidance and Counseling. She will later become old lonely and empty just like her dad. Marriage is nothing but company when we are age. Your spouse becomes your best friend and gisting partner.
Counseling not from pastors who will still want to flirt with a smoking babe but counseling from paid counsellor.

Mandela27:
U no get work to know person own story like this,mtcheeeeww,I no even read sef.
Amebo,mind ur business and ur family

How are u sure it’s not her own story ? Do you want OP to come out to say this is really her story, that she is Sarah?

tete7000:
If I didn't read the story, I wouldnt comment. About the urge to blame, I wouldn't understand what you meant. What I know is that in life our choices shape our future, and when we make bad choices, we should always be humble enough to take responsibility. There are millions, if not billions of men in this world, and a good proportion of those are responsible too. When people marry bad, they ought to reflect and take some responsibility, they need to take a chunk of the blame and use the lesson learnt to advice the young ones to be wise in making their own choices. In as much as the man is bad, the woman too equally made a bad choice and her choice left her children with trauma. The children rather than allow resentment consume them should learn from the bad choice their mother made, and use that as a yardstick to prevent themselves falling into the same trap. The truth is that there will always be bad people, intact there are plenty of them, ours is to be good and be circumspect in choosing who we roll with. If we choose badly, we and our children will leave with the consequences. Just like Nigerians are living with the consequences of the bad choice of 2016 which has spilled into 2023.

You keep talking about choices and choosing. Let’s really take a close look. When did you choose any of the things that determine your choices? Did you choose where you were born, the type of parents you had, the environment you grew up in, the type of consciousness and brain you were born with, etc. You chose non of those, yet those are what determine what choices you’d make.
Maybe you should stop worshipping choices and choosing so much!

FuckYeyeMods:
■ She will later become old lonely and empty just like her dad. Marriage is nothing but company when we are age. Your spouse becomes your best friend and gisting partner.
Counseling not from pastors who will still want to flirt with a smoking babe but counseling from paid counsellor.

Stop lying!

The same story tells you of the Old man who abandoned her. He is married yet he seems rather lonely in it all. Why? Marriage does not give you company. There are so many more folks out there stuck in marriage who are lonely and miserable in it.

When you selectively choose to remain blind to the reality of things, you lose the ability to reason properly. No sane counselor would ever suggest marriage as a solution for loneliness. Maybe your pastors, many of whom are miserable in their marriages, would gladly feed you that dirty lie, but no person with a brain in the head would.

Kobojunkie:
For all we know, she may have taken that decision because she was raped at such a young age.

2. It is sad that even in this age we live in, society continues to push the same ill-formed norms, but the damage that OP described, along with other forms of rejection she may have experienced as a result of all she had to live with, can probably explain in this case why Sarah chose to forgo marriage, or at least said she has.

livebullet:
No mind that one chanting LIBERATION.

However she arrived at it, she’s liberated enough to know she could choose. She’d marry at her own terms and is quite fine with not marrying at all. No feeling compelled to marry just to please mum or dad or society. Like I said, suffering and going through trauma liberated her - as often happens

FuckYeyeMods:
Benue are too selfish..
Please if you're not from Benue but unfortunately fall in love with their daughter, please and please, do your research about the family.
Most Benue people are too bad.
Yo! It's their normal character, so they don't see anything wrong with it.
They're often a bad and greedy in-laws.
Very very selfish people.

See crass prejudice and generalizations. There are millions from Benue. How many have you dealt with??

Acidosis:
Most narratives about fathers or husbands abandoning their homes and children to marry some strange woman often lack critical details.

Only Ka.yanmata can make a man leave like that without some underlying issues. Always ensure you get the details.

Nonsense. Some people are totally selfish and would do anything to remove something standing in the way of their personal “enjoyment”, including murder!

LadyRosa2:
Some nairaland guys feel say this post na to spite men. Some even called me a feminist .

My friend's mom was married as a PROPER village girl at 17 and a virgin. He was already working in Abuja then, leaving her in the village. He only brought her after she had the first two kids to his base and abandoned her with 4 children before running off with another woman.

At 17, naive and married in a big city far away from a village, she's very unexposed.

See, that woman has forgiven him. Infact, I think she doesn't mind him coming back, BUT she respects her kid's stance over her feelings.

You exposing yourself too much o. You know too much about the intricacies of this saga for this not to be your own family

Phargbemmy:
Having same issue mine has even gone to being denied sex at age 45 and just getting better from st7roke which was majorly caused by the stress at home. Mine is a Narcissist! My first is 13 and last is 8 am leaving for good but will never abandon my children

Kobojunkie:
She is a narcissist yet you married her even with all of the signs before you so why are you complaining now? :-

Phargbemmy, checked out your profile, I must confess.
The problem in your home is poverty

Kobojunkie:
Stop lying!

The reason most men seem abandoned at that age by their kids has a lot to do with them not properly bonding with the children —creating real familial connections with them —during their growing age.

Read well. He didn’t say they abandoned by kids.
He said abandoned by wife with excuse of having to take care of one grandchild or another

Kobojunkie:
She is a narcissist yet you married her even with all of the signs before you so why are you complaining now?

2. Look, if you are done with the marriage, go ahead and seek divorce already. Legal divorce is not a crime. What is instead a crime is abandonment.

I have noticed you jumping into people's post and forcing your opinion down on them even when you r not invited to the party, must you always have an opinion about people's issues?!

Who mentioned abandoning?!

Kobojunkie:
Stop lying!

The reason most men seem abandoned at that age by their kids has a lot to do with them not properly bonding with the children —creating real familial connections with them —during their growing age.

How old are you please?

Phargbemmy:
■ I have noticed you jumping into people's post and forcing your opinion down on them even when you r not invited to the party, must you always have an opinion and people's issues?!
Who mentioned abandoning?!

Did you mention divorce? No

Any arrangement that is not divorce is abandonment and is considered a crime even in Nigeria. You and wife should legally decide support and custody by way of courts.

Kobojunkie:
Did you mention divorce? No

Any arrangement that is not divorce is abandonment and is considered a crime even in Nigeria. You and wife should legally decide support and custody by way of courts.

Now you made sense

LadyRosa2:
Few eat their cake and have it.
But so many eventually regrets especially at old age.

Leave this old age alarm you are letting off up and down. All of us will get old or even infirmed and eventually die; man and woman alike. There is no hard and fast rule about who gets there first between fathers and mothers. Everybody should just fulfill his obligation at their prime, not necessarily as insurance for old age. Most fathers laboured hard on their children yet did not reap anything in their lifetime, but died with great fulfilments. Same with mothers.

Amumaigwe:
■ Leave this old age alarm you are letting off up and down. All of us will get old or even infirmed and eventually die; man and woman alike. There is no hard and fast rule about who gets there first between fathers and mothers. Everybody should just fulfill his obligation at their prime, not necessarily as insurance for old age. Most fathers laboured hard on their children yet did not reap anything in their lifetime, but died with great fulfilments. Same with mothers.

Make una stop telling these stupid tales abeg!

They labored doing what exactly? Working for money to fend for you and maybe with your family is one thing. Even people who also work for money to take care of themselves. There is nothing special about doing that particularly since you choose your own burdens. Labor are nothing unique. Even housewives do it.

Bonding with those whom you regard as your family, in particular your wife and children, is a completely different thing. And almost everyone who never finds time and patience to invest in the second, ends up alone at the end of the day.

I don't understand why kobojunkie is taking this thread personally.

Kobojunkie:
Make una stop telling these stupid tales abeg!

They labored doing what exactly? Working for money to fend for you and maybe with your family is one thing. Even people who also work for money to take care of themselves. There is nothing special about doing that particularly since you choose your own burdens. Labor are nothing unique. Even housewives do it.

Bonding with those whom you regard as your family, in particular your wife and children, is a completely different thing. And almost everyone who never finds time and patience to invest in the second, ends up alone at the end of the day.

Your mindset about fathers generally which obviously stemmed from your personal experience or those of others that suit your bias seem to limit your understanding of what it means for fathers to 'labour' for their children.

You may be surprised to learn that most fathers nowadays bond more with their children than their mothers and still provide all their needs.

Just try and heal because from your comments on this topic and other related topics on different threads, you have a deeply seated resentment about the masculine gender which is becoming maniacal.