₦airaland Forum

Hello everyone, sorry for the long post
I got married at 22, my husband was 40 at the time. We have been married for 5 years and we have a child together.

My concern is that my husband is not able to satisfy me sexually at all, which is frustrating, I have talked to him about it nothing seems to change. Financially, he is struggling, partly because he gambles a lot. He also drinks alcohol heavily.

I work too but he doesn't want me to have my own money he is always collecting money from me.
He doesn’t have clear goals, ambition, or a vision for the future, and this makes me feel stagnant in the marriage.

He is a good man in terms of character. He doesn’t cheat, he doesn’t abuse me at all, and he treats me well overall.

I’m confused because while he is good to me, I feel stuck and unfulfilled. I would really appreciate advice from y'all who have been in similar situations or who can offer honest guidance.
Thank you.

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Omg! Did you discuss this with any older person in his family if he can be called to order?

He doesn't cheat

How broke man wan take cheat?

I'm speaking from experience tho .

Cherryediva:
Hello everyone, sorry for the long post
I got married at 22, my husband was 40 at the time. We have been married for 5 years and we have a child together.
My concern is that my husband is not able to satisfy me sexually at all, which is frustrating, I have talked to him about it nothing seems to change. Financially, he is struggling, partly because he gambles a lot. He also drinks alcohol heavily.
I work too but he doesn't want me to have my own money he is always collecting money from me.
He doesn’t have clear goals, ambition, or a vision for the future, and this makes me feel stagnant in the marriage.
He is a good man in terms of character. He doesn’t cheat, he doesn’t abuse me at all, and he treats me well overall.
I’m confused because while he is good to me, I feel stuck and unfulfilled. I would really appreciate advice from y'all who have been in similar situations or who can offer honest guidance.
Thank you.

He does not beat you, he does not cheat on you, he does not abuse you emotionally...

There in nothing here to suggest your marriage is falling apart.

The real issue you have is the fact that your husband does not have money

I get the feeling he didn’t really satisfy you from day one. What was the plan back then—were you just looking to get married and hope for the best?

Did he just start acting this way, or did you notice the red flags early and choose to look the other way? Maybe you even had an exit strategy that didn't go as planned?

How you want make he satisfy you at that age nau? Madam you have to put somethings in place to make that up o. There is a reason why sex experts put toys dia o. I don't advice cheating on your husband,but toys can help him improve. Age affects sexual performances for men. The gap was too much,so you have to hear the consequences. People when say 5years gap maximum get reason.

I’m having the feeling that Op feels the husband deprived her of her youthful life by marrying her off @22, but my sister let me tell you the truth, nothing dey street oo. I don’t know who might be advising or influencing you to feel inadequate in your marriage but there are no perfect marriage anywhere. I’ve seen cases like this and the women always turn bitter after leaving their husbands because they realize there’s no love in the street. Don’t leave your home to turn sidechick to someone’s else husband oo. All the problems you listed about your husband can be worked on. I think his inability in bed can be attributed to his habit of drinking alcohol which when cut out or reduced, will get better. If his father is still alive, talk to him about the situation or a male figure that he respects. And remember, please don’t cheat on him cuz once you do, kiss your marriage goodbye. Men who don’t cheat hardly forgive cheating oo

Phew! Well, there's not so much gymnastics a good guy 45-year old man can do on a 25yr old sexually, unless there's clear communication on how you like to be pleasured (I don't mean tell him thay you're not satisfied, or that he should invest in more rounds - sexhs is more than the duration, it's mind game - tell him how you like it, then you guys should pace accordingly).

No ambition, drunk but with a good character, if he was not like this before you married, then something has gone wrong somewhere. But if he was all these before marriage, that's just his personality - he'll need counselling or mentorship to abstain from gambling and drinking.

Generally, when there's financial tension in the home, the sehx must suffer. Sehx in marriage after a while gets boring if it's not spontaneous, random and NEW - As dey say in Venezuela, "sehx wey sweet, na money wey dey account support am"

BigYash:
How you want make he satisfy you at that age nau? Madam you have to put somethings in place to make that up o. There is a reason why sex experts put toys dia o. I don't advice cheating on your husband,but toys can help him improve. Age affects sexual performances for men. The gap was too much,so you have to hear the consequences. People when say 5years gap maximum get reason.

Vibrator come to my mind

OP

Invest in those toys
.it will go a long way


Even use them in front of me

It's a turn on for some men

Your cross. Carry it.

Cherryediva:
Hello everyone, sorry for the long post
I got married at 22, my husband was 40 at the time. We have been married for 5 years and we have a child together.
My concern is that my husband is not able to satisfy me sexually at all, which is frustrating, I have talked to him about it nothing seems to change. Financially, he is struggling, partly because he gambles a lot. He also drinks alcohol heavily.
I work too but he doesn't want me to have my own money he is always collecting money from me.
He doesn’t have clear goals, ambition, or a vision for the future, and this makes me feel stagnant in the marriage.
He is a good man in terms of character. He doesn’t cheat, he doesn’t abuse me at all, and he treats me well overall.
I’m confused because while he is good to me, I feel stuck and unfulfilled. I would really appreciate advice from y'all who have been in similar situations or who can offer honest guidance.
Thank you.

Anyone who believes this is a zbeba.

Let me contribute mine..

1: Unable to satisfy u sexually, there's really nothing that u can do about it... The age gap is the main issue, sometimes u want it hard and fast, but he's a little bit old for that.. he's close to 50...

2: Gambling, here is the main problem, the chances of Winning bet these days, u need more than spiritual goggles, betting will only make u poorer and give u a force hope, if Man-U no spoil the ticket Borussia Dortmund will do it... Let's not even talk about virtual bet, that one is worse than the devil himself..

3: from all indication, he's a good man, and the union already produced a child, he doesn't beat or abuse u, he takes care of u and the child, u can't have it all at the same time, some marriages the man satisfy them, but usually abuse them physically or emotionally...

My advice: remain in the marriage, try and talk to him as u have always done, there are other ways to satisfy a woman without penetration.

Cherryediva:
Hello everyone, sorry for the long post
I got married at 22, my husband was 40 at the time. We have been married for 5 years and we have a child together.
My concern is that my husband is not able to satisfy me sexually at all, which is frustrating, I have talked to him about it nothing seems to change. Financially, he is struggling, partly because he gambles a lot. He also drinks alcohol heavily.
I work too but he doesn't want me to have my own money he is always collecting money from me.
He doesn’t have clear goals, ambition, or a vision for the future, and this makes me feel stagnant in the marriage.
He is a good man in terms of character. He doesn’t cheat, he doesn’t abuse me at all, and he treats me well overall.
I’m confused because while he is good to me, I feel stuck and unfulfilled. I would really appreciate advice from y'all who have been in similar situations or who can offer honest guidance.
Thank you.

It's late, manage your poison.

Financially, he is struggling, partly because he gambles a lot. He also drinks alcohol heavily.

Fix these two first.

For his drunkenness,
“The drunk man’s purse is open, but his eyes are closed.”

For his gambling,
“Wealth gained by play leaves by play.”

For his general attitude,
“He who cannot control himself will be controlled by his troubles.”

Finance and sex is one of the things that break up marriages. He already has 2 of them. One is affecting the second one because sex involves the brain and if you are stressed or not thinking clearly, your sex life will be a mess. They tell couples looking for children the same thing too. Most of their problems is the mind, not the style or lack of it.

There's no reason to suggest why a 45 year old man cannot satisfy you sexually. The only reason his level of sexual activity is impaired is cause of his alcoholic addiction and lack of exercise. Secondly, you need to stop comparing yourself to your single friends which is why you feel the need to leave your marriage to explore uncharted territory. No marriage is complete and every relationship has it's challenges. Would you rather be in a marriage where finance is not an issue but you get physically abused? So rather than nag, look for constructive ways to make him change, such as showing him more love and support, proferring viable financial advice, encouraging him to reduce his alcoholic intake and exercising. If you like, continue to listen to your single friends, it's only a matter of time before you use your hand to spoil your home.

Cherryediva:
Hello everyone, sorry for the long post
I got married at 22, my husband was 40 at the time. We have been married for 5 years and we have a child together.
My concern is that my husband is not able to satisfy me sexually at all, which is frustrating, I have talked to him about it nothing seems to change. Financially, he is struggling, partly because he gambles a lot. He also drinks alcohol heavily.
I work too but he doesn't want me to have my own money he is always collecting money from me.
He doesn’t have clear goals, ambition, or a vision for the future, and this makes me feel stagnant in the marriage.
He is a good man in terms of character. He doesn’t cheat, he doesn’t abuse me at all, and he treats me well overall.
I’m confused because while he is good to me, I feel stuck and unfulfilled. I would really appreciate advice from y'all who have been in similar situations or who can offer honest guidance.
Thank you.

Why not request a visit by Jehovahs Witnesses. It sounds weird but it helped someone I know stop gambling. The first thing he bought when he stopped gambling was a fridge. He wanted to see first hand what the money he did not squander on gambling bought, and that was over 25 years ago. He has never gambled since.

Your husband does have some good qualities which to some extent makeup for his downsides.

You can start by downloading this ebook: The Secret of Family Happiness https://www.jw.org/en/library/books/The-Secret-of-Family-Happiness/

Is Gambling A Sin?: https://www.jw.org/en/bible-teachings/questions/is-gambling-a-sin/

You can either Try a Free Online Bible Course: https://www.jw.org/en/bible-teachings/guided-bible-study-course/

Alternative, you can request a visit: https://hub.jw.org/request-visit/en/request

For best results, both of you study together. Even if it's only you, it can have a profound effect on your husband

As your love for God grows, your love to do what is right before him grows. This also goes for your husband. Read Hebrews 4:12, Psalms 103:8-14

Sonnobax15:

He doesn't cheat

How broke man wan take cheat?

I'm speaking from experience tho .

Many broke guys cheat. They just lower their standards.

She married him for money,he was never good in bed It’s just the money and protection that clouded her decisions…
Now the money is not really coming fast and thick,you want to get tired of him despite the man still caring and loving you respectfully…
You can’t eat your cake and have it oooo,ask Regina oooo


But again,what’s life without proper bedmatics skills seff,I’m here to solve all your woes

Cherryediva:
Hello everyone, sorry for the long post
I got married at 22, my husband was 40 at the time. We have been married for 5 years and we have a child together.
My concern is that my husband is not able to satisfy me sexually at all, which is frustrating, I have talked to him about it nothing seems to change. Financially, he is struggling, partly because he gambles a lot. He also drinks alcohol heavily.
I work too but he doesn't want me to have my own money he is always collecting money from me.
He doesn’t have clear goals, ambition, or a vision for the future, and this makes me feel stagnant in the marriage.
He is a good man in terms of character. He doesn’t cheat, he doesn’t abuse me at all, and he treats me well overall.
I’m confused because while he is good to me, I feel stuck and unfulfilled. I would really appreciate advice from y'all who have been in similar situations or who can offer honest guidance.
Thank you.

Did you think we on naira land are more knowledgeable and wiser than you, that's why you are asking for our advice...?

Majority of them men that read this are gonna send you messages op,please do not respond to them...some of them specialises in coding people wives.

I think the problem is just sexual dissatisfaction. You guys should talk about it. You can get him a herb which he can be taking for strong libido.. Also endeavor to look appealing and smell nice to him.

If you have dreams, what are your dreams and how can you achieve them in your husband house, look for a means to achieve that while in your husband's house, you can ask chatgpt, it could help you with better suggestions. ALL THE BEST

@Kobojunkie food don ready oo😂😂😂.
Op if you know wetin good for you, make u better leave that man oo, imagine being with an unrepentant alcoholic, gambler and the worst of it all someone who can't satisfy you sexually. Look for the nearest court around you and seek for a divorce, na ur mental health you dey play with like dis.

Cherryediva:
My concern is that my husband is not able to satisfy me sexually at all, which is frustrating, I have talked to him about it nothing seems to change.

He also drinks alcohol heavily.


I work too but he doesn't want me to have my own money he is always collecting money from me.

Hmmm .... good to reach out for advice from a wide field. Consider these.

We're you sexually active before you married? If yes .... then you were used to a certain level and frequency and intensity and size penis when it comes to sex. This level will be expected in marriage...period. if he did not have the same size tool .... that's a problem. Because of the age difference....he may be able to keep up with it in the beginning,.. and even using sex enhancers to boost his performance. That is no longer as effective after a time and naturally he had already passed his sexual prime even at the time of marriage. But now you're in your prime... you are cooking. Why wouldn't you be frustrated?

He already knows he's no longer able to put in the work....but for you to tell him that he is not satisfying you ...at all? .... that's like a major insult. To claim he is not doing anything about it...is another insult. It is in the DNA of man to spare no effort in having his tool working well. Maybe he went too far in making it work to satisfy you that has lead to him being pretty much impotent. To a man...being impotent is like losing his soul ....what else is there to live for? ...and he begins to exist ..not survive ...exist. Gambling and alcoholism are his escape routes. Both addictions ...both require money ...money from you first to feed the addiction.
.
My advice.... show that you are interested in him sexually ... find other ways to make him at least try to satisfy you ... this will bring back some measure of sexual confidence in himself ... let him kno he's doing better when he's not on alcohol .... and tell him he ehmmm ....sucks when he is on ...and you'll have to pull the plug. Hopefully ... he'll try to become the man he once was and get off of gambling to hold on to you. BTW....did he do any tests for infection?...any tests for high blood sugar? ...did he take COVID-19 shot?....for any if these can affect performance.

Cherryediva:
✓ Hello everyone, sorry for the long post
I got married at 22, my husband was 40 at the time. We have been married for 5 years and we have a child together.
My concern is that my husband is not able to satisfy me sexually at all, which is frustrating, I have talked to him about it nothing seems to change. Financially, he is struggling, partly because he gambles a lot. He also drinks alcohol heavily.
✓ I work too but he doesn't want me to have my own money he is always collecting money from me.
He doesn’t have clear goals, ambition, or a vision for the future, and this makes me feel stagnant in the marriage.
He is a good man in terms of character. He doesn’t cheat, he doesn’t abuse me at all, and he treats me well overall.
✓ I’m confused because while he is good to me, I feel stuck and unfulfilled. I would really appreciate advice from y'all who have been in similar situations or who can offer honest guidance.
Thank you.

1. I hate to be the one to break this to you but the reality is that you married a 40-year-old loser-- a gambler and alcoholic with no clear path at age 40 is a child who never grew up, not because he couldn't but because he refuses to --- who could not compete well with his own peers hence the reason he decided to prey on women much younger and more gullible -- before their frontal lobe is fully developed --- and that is how you found him. That man is not your savior in terms of love but a predator who caught you. 🥱🥱🥱

If you think this man is a project for you to fix, I am afraid to be the bearer of bad news. You have already failed -- you never could anyway, because humans do not change because others want them to. They change if and when they choose to as individuals. You are busy giving him a roof, food and even money for him like you are his mother, you even braved death and risked your own health to have a child for him, and child which you are probably 100% in charge of raising-- all this for his benefit -- so what incentive do you think he has to get his life together while with you? 🥱🥱🥱

2. What do you mean he is not abusing you? You just told us that instead of providing you with money as the one who handles everything in the home — this is financial abuse, by the way — that he takes money that you earn away from you —keeping you away from even having money to keep for yourself, for emergencies, retirement plan, as well as the future of your child. 🤔

He literally does not want you to have a backup plan, which means that if he were to walk out of that relationship tomorrow, you will likely have no savings to your name. And you will end up bitter about being abandoned by him, going around asking people to beg him to take you back in desperation, abi? (Just so you know, the vast majority of women who marry young, before their late 20s, are eventually abandoned for younger women before or by age 40 — numerous studies have been done to show this is the prevalent pattern for over 60% of the time.) Start saving up now for your retirement. Children are not a retirement plan. 🥱🥱

Anyway, what you described is abuse and of some of the worst kind—as bad as violent abuse. So many women out there—abandoned wives club included —had similar situations, and so many of them have yet to be able to dig themselves out of the pit that is marriage to a lowlife. Yes, you may think of yourself as an exception, but study after study has shown that the vast majority of humans follow the same behavior patterns, and your husband is no exception. 🥱🥱🥱

3. You may have convinced yourself that he is a good man, but the fact is, a good man would not gamble and drink away the future of his child and wife— his family. A good man would have thoroughly dealt with his addictions before getting married. This man intentionally chose to do none of the inner work necessary to overcome his demons(addictions) and intentionally burdened you (you who know little about humans still) with all of his own baggage. That is wicked behavior. And if you are not careful, with his age, you might have to nurse him when he eventually becomes sick from all the abuse he has inflicted on his body up until this point in his life. 🥱🥱🥱

4. Your intuition is not wrong. If you choose to continue with this marriage, you will be stuck and unfulfilled like the millions of other women married to gambling and alcoholic addicts out there. You will continue to drag that boulder up the mountain every day like Sisyphus and will never make progress until you decide to let the boulder go. 🥱🥱🥱

Here's some advice I will give you for free. Learn to trust your intuition more than what people tell you. That sense of confusion and that feeling of being stuck and unfulfilled is your brain letting you know that it has crunched the situation enough times to realize that that is what awaits you in this path you have continued to walk with this man. If you decide to ignore your brain, it might lead to causing you physiological problems -- illness -- that would further cause you stress. Your brain is trying to get you to stop and turn around to preserve itself from further deregulation. It will go to great lengths to get you to see that you are not headed in the right direction for the best outcomes for its survival. And remember that your brain is connected to everything that is you. It is not fighting against you but on your behalf against the obviously illogical situation you have gotten yourself into in the name of marriage 🥱🥱🥱

If you think further trapping yourself with this man by having more babies for him will make him better or make you feel better, you will only be fooling yourself and further making yourself an accomplice in the destruction of your own dreams and health -- mental, physical, and emotional. Worse, you will only further diminish the chances of a better life for your current child and your person by such a mistake.

We are not the ones to tell you what to do; your brain and mind are already telling you things are not at all good, and that the general outcome you face with all you have done so far is confusion and a general lack of fulfillment, and despair. 🥱🥱

You need to decide whether you will pay attention to your inner truth and begin prioritizing your mind/brain harmony for your good and the good of that child.

---

P.S - what you feel for this man is not love but obsession. You are obsessed with your idea of him— illusions you created in your head of him being a good man and all the rest, which clearly defy your reality—, and that is equally a form of addiction. How do I know? The fact that your inner self does not have peace with your outward life with him is clear evidence that what you feel for him is not love—you don't love yourself in holding on to him. You sacrifice your inner peace and happiness to please him... That is not love. That is an obsession. Please go get professional mental health therapy for yourself as soon as you can, so you can begin working towards the life you want and getting rid of the life that is holding you back. 😩😩😩

Cherryediva:
Hello everyone, sorry for the long post
I got married at 22, my husband was 40 at the time. We have been married for 5 years and we have a child together.
My concern is that my husband is not able to satisfy me sexually at all, which is frustrating, I have talked to him about it nothing seems to change. Financially, he is struggling, partly because he gambles a lot. He also drinks alcohol heavily.
I work too but he doesn't want me to have my own money he is always collecting money from me.
He doesn’t have clear goals, ambition, or a vision for the future, and this makes me feel stagnant in the marriage.
He is a good man in terms of character. He doesn’t cheat, he doesn’t abuse me at all, and he treats me well overall.
I’m confused because while he is good to me, I feel stuck and unfulfilled. I would really appreciate advice from y'all who have been in similar situations or who can offer honest guidance.
Thank you.

You and your husband need a marriage therapist ASAP. I'll advice you contact one and insist that he comes for a session. Not a church marriage therapist o, a professional one that can address your problems with him and perhaps the ones he might have with you.
Having a sexually unsatisfied life at 27 will make you cheat someday and that is NOT something to consider. You both work to fix it now. Get a professional third party now.

kingthreat:
✓ You and your husband need a marriage therapist ASAP. I'll advice you contact one and insist that he comes for a session. Not a church marriage therapist o, a professional one that can address your problems with him and perhaps the ones he might have with you.
✓ Having a sexually unsatisfied life at 27 will make you cheat someday and that is NOT something to consider. You both work to fix it now. Get a professional third party now.

I would not recommend a marriage therapist because the man has addiction problems that he alone can resolve on his own if he indeed wishes to resolve his marriage issues. 🥱🥱

Furthermore, is the alcohol ans gambling addict the same one to foot the bill as far as the marriage counseling sessions? 🥱🥱

2. So it is not OK for her to cheat but it is Ok for the man to gamble and waste away their marital communal wealth and the future of the child? Una priorities dey always weak person. 🥱🥱🥱

Na wa. Nairaland advisers will soon enter. Make I continue baking my Lasagna.

Sexually,ur problem started from the first day u accepted to marry a man who is far older than u.

Secondly,a gambler is far worse than all the vices u can think of except bandits and armed robbery added with alcohol. Otilo!

Collecting and degrading u financially...madam,the truth is that,u are not learning anything in that marriage even with the age difference u are still the one sustaining him.

Advice:
If u were my sister,I would have brought u back home long ago. U are wasting away. Gamblers are senseless people. They have no future,they are the scum of this nation. On loan apps they exhausted them for easy cash just to continue gambling.

Madam,run for ur good,u can't tame such a man. It would coat u alot. Only time shall tell.

Op, you are young. So, I compiled a list of Nairaland links of experiences of other women marked to addicts for you to read.

https://www.nairaland.com/5350689/man-loses-wife-gamble-asks#81097962

https://www.nairaland.com/8028635/pls-nigerians-save-me-husband#128909270

https://www.nairaland.com/7876400/married-virgin-married-love-yet#126389949

https://www.nairaland.com/7833987/christian-not-enough-reason-divorce#125674729

https://www.nairaland.com/7691529/how-suppose-fight-home-here#123174991

https://www.nairaland.com/7615626/husband-annoying-im-depress#121817995

---

There are numerous other testimonies of women who were married to gambling and/or alcohol addicts on reddit and other forums for you to read and learn the truth of how very difficult and almost impossible it is for you to win over when in a relationship with a person who struggles with at least one addiction. 🥱🥱🥱

Let me know and I will find and post links from there.🥱🥱🥱

Next time, do not put the cart before the horse!