Hello guys,

I ll appreciate no bashing pls as this is a delicate issue. I feel really broken already. So I have been dating this guy long distance for almost 2yrs...he is based in Abuja while I am based in Lagos..he is very quiet, and I have met his friends, father and uncle (his mom is late and his siblings are far away-abroad).
We have started discussing tying the knot so my family commenced on a background check and we found outthat he is married based on HR records at his company (a bank). However, truth be told, he did tell me he had a trado marriage(engagement) which none of his family members attended cos they did not approve of the girl...but they lived together and she walked away some months after.
I am not sure if this HR record means he actually had a real wedding/court (which would mean he is still married but his wife is no longer with him) or if it means he considered d traditional marriage a real marriage even thoiugh his dad and siblings didn't attend.

I raised d issue with him and he is not responsive.
So my question now is how do I get spousal information...do companies keep this info?I would like to contact the ex wife/wife to find out what really happened so I can get some closure and keep it moving.

Thanks

I met him through a very close guy friend of mine who has known him for 7yrs so dat is why I doubt this marriage info but who knows? He might not have told anyone about his marital life since his so quiet and no family attended d wedding. Its just weird.
I don't think my friend would willingly deceive me into dating a married dude. I have asked my friend and he is very shocked because he sees my bf daily and there is no lady at his house.

duwop:
Hello guys,

I ll appreciate no bashing pls as this is a delicate issue. I feel really broken already. So I have been dating this guy long distance for almost 2yrs...he is based in Abuja while I am based in Lagos..he is very quiet, and I have met his friends, father and uncle (his mom is late and his siblings are far away-abroad).
We have started discussing tying the knot so my family commenced on a background check and we found outthat he is married based on HR records at his company (a bank). However, truth be told, he did tell me he had a trado marriage(engagement) which none of his family members attended cos they did not approve of the girl...but they lived together and she walked away some months after.
I am not sure if this HR record means he actually had a real wedding/court (which would mean he is still married but his wife is no longer with him) or if it means he considered d traditional marriage a real marriage even thoiugh his dad and siblings didn't attend.

I raised d issue with him and he is not responsive.
So my question now is how do I get spousal information...do companies keep this info?I would like to contact the ex wife/wife to find out what really happened so I can get some closure and keep it moving.

Thanks

Very weird;

Trado marriage with no one from his family in attendance? . . .Very difficult to beleive

and why doesnt he want to discuss things with you? What does he have to hide?

something must have started the alarm bells ringing to made your folks decide to do backgound checks this mans marital status

You may have had a lucky escape

Chai

I raised d issue with him and he is not responsive.

Did you read what you wrote on NL?
What other proof do you need?
When he abandons you at the shrine or altar of matrimony. . . you will call him a wicked man.
MEN ARE NEVER TRUTHFUL TO EMOTIONALLY-FRAGILE WOMEN LIKE YOU. . . .because THEY FEAR THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR DEGENERATE/PSCHOTIC LEVELS OF DESPERATION FOR MARRIAGE AT ALL COSTS!


The handwriting is on the wall. . . but you have REFUSED to read the message.
The reasons men take women like you for rides is because YOU WILL NEVER ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE NOT WANTED. . . .
You choose to dig in EVEN WHEN YOU HAVE ALL THE PROOF YOU NEED!

NO MAN IN AFRICA HAS ONLY ONE GIRLFRIEND BEFORE OR AFTER MARRIAGE. . . unless he is IMPOTENT!

Please, respect yourself! It may save your life!

So my question now is how do I get spousal information...do companies keep this info?I would like to contact the ex wife/wife to find out what really happened so I can get some closure and keep it moving.

I am really ashamed for you!

Is this a matter of DESPERATION or STOOPIDITY?

if it is in his HR Records.. he is married as he is the one that will have updated his company records

Be careful

Thank God you haven't married him. And I hope you won't until you at least get to the root of this. Quiet men can be wolves in sheep's clothing.
If his close friends are not aware of the trad, then he's a really secretive dude and that's a BAD sign.

The two points chaircover raised are my exact questions.
It's not just about if he is married or not.
My question is who is he?integrity?honesty?

chaircover:



Very weird;

Trado marriage with no one from his family in attendance? . . .Very difficult to beleive

He may have hired some people to pose as his family members.Some people have done that.

You asked the man you are engaged to if he was married he didnt feel you deserved an answer shebi its nairalanders who will give you the answer. Good luck, as you wait for strangers to tell you something your man should

Have you considered that he lied in the HR records in order to get some tax relief/dependent allowance? Do some more digging Sis, go and look for his name in Registry records, ask and ask again, activate your Sherlock Holmes mode, this is a lifetime bondage commitment you are talking about here o

bestestgirl:
Have you considered that he lied in the HR records in order to get some tax relief/dependent allowance? Do some more digging Sis, go and look for his name in Registry records, ask and ask again, activate your Sherlock Holmes mode, this is a lifetime bondage commitment you are talking about here o

A man that can defraud the company he works for to get child benefits allowances lacks integrity
When the imaginary kids grow up and the real kids are here.... wetin go come happen

pickabeau1:


A man that can defraud the company he works for lacks integrity

True that! but OP may be willing to marry a dishonest albeit single man (as opposed to an honest married/divorced/separated man)
There is no accounting for choice

I don't understand your predisposition to insults. However, thanks for ur opinion. If anyone is emotional, it would be you. I am looking at this from all angles in order to form a conclusive opinion. Desperatio is far out of d question.

Kanwulia:


Did you read what you wrote on NL?
What other proof do you need?
When he abandons you at the shrine or alter of matrimony. . . you will call him a wicked man.
MEN ARE NEVER TRUTHFUL TO EMOTIONALLY-FRAGILE WOMEN LIKE YOU. . . .because THEY FEAR THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR DEGENERATE/PSCHOTIC LEVELS OF DESPERATION FOR MARRIAGE AT ALL COSTS!


The handwriting is on the wall. . . but you have REFUSED to read the message.
The reasons men take women like you for rides is because YOU WILL NEVER ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE NOT WANTED. . . .
You choose to dig in EVEN WHEN YOU HAVE ALL THE PROOF YOU NEED!

NO MAN IN AFRICA HAS ONLY ONE GIRLFRIEND BEFORE OR AFTER MARRIAGE. . . unless he is IMPOTENT!

Please, respect yourself! It may save your life!



I am really ashamed for you!

Is this a matter of DESPERATION or STOOPIDITY?

Yea, I actually considered that but I doubt it but who knows? I am doing some more digging and leaning towards a break up.

bestestgirl:
Have you considered that he lied in the HR records in order to get some tax relief/dependent allowance? Do some more digging Sis, go and look for his name in Registry records, ask and ask again, activate your Sherlock Holmes mode, this is a lifetime bondage commitment you are talking about here o

bestestgirl:


True that! but OP may be willing to marry a dishonest albeit single man (as opposed to an honest married/divorced/separated man)
There is no accounting for choice

Whatever works for the OP

Yea his dad absolutely objected to d union.

thorpido:
The two points chaircover raised are my exact questions.
It's not just about if he is married or not.
My question is who is he?integrity?honesty?

He may have hired some people to pose as his family members.Some people have done that.

duwop:
Yea, I actually considered that but I doubt it but who knows? I am doing some more digging and leaning towards a break up.

Good for you. better a broken engagement that a broken marriage.
Still, Weigh all options very very carefully

duwop:
I don't understand your predisposition to insults. However, thank out of d question.

Where is the insult in what I wrote?
I only asked you some questions based on your HIGHLY IRRATIONAL ORIGINAL POST.
I only asked you if you are DESPERATE OR STOOPID?
I did not insult you. I was soooooooooooo tempted to though.
Believe you me. . .you should have seen what I wrote before I toned it down.
That was the REAL INSULT.
But I chose to temper justice with mercy.

Please, whatever angle you choose to look at this from. . . you left out the most important angle.
THIS MAN BELONGS TO MANY OTHER WOMEN.
Stop deceiving yourself!

chaircover:



Very weird;

Trado marriage with no one from his family in attendance? . . .Very difficult to beleive

and why doesnt he want to discuss things with you? What does he have to hide?

something must have started the alarm bells ringing to made your folks decide to do backgound checks this mans marital status

You may have had a lucky escape

Are you for real 'chair'?
The man may have been THE ONE TO HAVE HAD A LUCKY ESCAPE!
This OP na STALKER o!
She wan go meet the 'ex-wife' for 'CLOSURE'?
This woman is living in a wonderland o.
Na real ALICE!
Long distance relationship. . . .and planning marriage?
She nor even go live with/observe the man for real courtship for ONE SOLID MONTH?
Has she ever taken the man to see her parents or siblings FOR A SIMPLE INTRODUCTION?
Abi na for Facebook dem wan TANDA TILL DEATH DO THEM PART?


What kind of relationship is that?
Women are fond of blaming men for being emotional and financial DUPES.
Wetin this OP call herself. . . potential victim or BAIT?

Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehn!
Thank my H-AGNOSTIC Gawd for the kain parents wey born me.

So does anyone know if companies keep spousal records?

You fit date man long distance. . . you nor fit find 'companies of spousal records' with your 'long distance' tentacles?
IF ANY MAN CAN FOOL A NIGERIAN BABE. . . .EVEN A VILLAGE ONE THAT HAS NEVER SEEN 'LEHGUS'. . . . IN THIS DAY AND AGE. . . SHE MUST BE. . . .A. . . .$%*@!

You are not a 'marriage' material for the simple FACT THAT YOU ARE 'SLOW'!
No insult intended. . . just the BASIC FACT!


Look ehn?
We all know Nairaland has long gone to the dogs.
To open thread nor to by force o?

O da bo!

*anybarry wey quote me come back for this thread. . . .may EBOLA choose him or her as it's next spouse. . . AMEN*

>>>>>>>>>exits thread>>>>>>>>

duwop:
Yea his dad absolutely objected to d union.

Something is definitely not right about this.
Take your time and get to the root of it.

How do u know if we have ever lived together or not? You seem to have all d answers based on assumptions. Wonder what kind of advice u give to ppl who r already in trouble who seek ur help. U ask them if they r stupid? Or u hold their hand and give a shoulder tell them things wwould work out eventually.u appear very bitter

Kanwulia:



Are you for real 'chair'?
The man may have been THE ONE TO HAVE HAD A LUCKY ESCAPE!
This OP na STALKER o!
She wan go meet the 'ex-wife' for 'CLOSURE'?
This woman is living in a wonderland o.
Na real ALICE!
Long distance relationship. . . .and planning marriage?
She nor even go live observe the man for real courtship for ONE SOLID MONTH?


What kind of relationship is that?

duwop:
How do u know if we have ever lived together or not? You seem to have all d answers based on assumptions. Wonder what kind of advice u give to ppl who r already in trouble who seek ur help. U ask them if they r stupid? Or u hold their hand and give a shoulder tell them things wwould work out eventually.u appear very bitter

Abeg. . . . you might be marrying a LIBERIAN WITH EBOLA. . . .You wan to marry man wey you nor know any of im family members?
All his brothers and sisters are abroad indeed! None of them have even aknowledged you via 'skype' or 'EBAY'?
Na so desperation catch you reach?
Oya kontinu!
I am very bitter o.
Thank you!
Bye bye!

Kanwulia:

I raised d issue with him and he is not responsive.

Did you read what you wrote on NL?
What other proof do you need?
When he abandons you at the shrine or alter of matrimony. . . you will call him a wicked man.
MEN ARE NEVER TRUTHFUL TO EMOTIONALLY-FRAGILE WOMEN LIKE YOU. . . .because THEY FEAR THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR DEGENERATE/PSCHOTIC LEVELS OF DESPERATION FOR MARRIAGE AT ALL COSTS!


The handwriting is on the wall. . . but you have REFUSED to read the message.
The reasons men take women like you for rides is because YOU WILL NEVER ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE NOT WANTED. . . .
You choose to dig in EVEN WHEN YOU HAVE ALL THE PROOF YOU NEED!

NO MAN IN AFRICA HAS ONLY ONE GIRLFRIEND BEFORE OR AFTER MARRIAGE. . . unless he is IMPOTENT!

Please, respect yourself! It may save your life!

So my question now is how do I get spousal information...do companies keep this info? I would like to contact the ex wife/wife to find out what really happened so I can get some closure and keep it moving.

I am really ashamed for you!

Is this a matter of DESPERATION or STOOPIDITY?

This made sense.

OP, what other 'information' are you looking for? Move on.

Which is one of d reasons I want to talk to d girl. Basically its just for closure because I am leaning more towards walking away too...but I am curious to know what happened in their relationship/marriage. I have a feeling it had to do wwith child birth or perhaps bad behavior from either of d parties. The dude has a lot of endearing qualities but I cannot bank on dat given this heart wrenching info. You don't throw d child out with d bath water. I m 25 by the way, so I still have time...I am not in a rush just need more info.

thorpido:
Something is definitely not right about this.
Take your time and get to the root of it.

duwop:
So does anyone know if companies keep spousal records?

Lady,you don't need it.What if you actually got company records and it even shows he is not tied to any woman,would you still go ahead with the marriage?

You seem not to get that one essential thing in a future partner is missing? INTEGRITY.

You asked him and he never responded. Shouldn't that be enough evidence? Why do you want to stress yourself looking for more evidence? Please move on and forget about him.

Sweetie please tread with caution okay? There are already tell-tale signs of deceit and you have to get to the bottom of it all and conclude wisely. If I were in your shoes, I'd be a bundle of nerves by now..lol... Its not easy finding out disturbing news about someone with whom you might have already envisioned a future together. Keep asking him for answers, this is not a time for him to be unresponsive and if he still refuses to give you clear answers or he claims you are disturbing yourself or him, please calmly move ahead.

aisha2:
You asked the man you are engaged to if he was married he didnt feel you deserved an answer shebi its nairalanders who will give you the answer. Good luck, as you wait for strangers to tell you something your man should

Lolz! Now this is damn funny!

berem:
Lolz! Now this is damn funny!

Leave her to be doing James Bond. She asked the man himself when he shoukd be rolling on the floor begging for forgiveness and blurting out explanations sensible and insensible the man didnt even feel she deserved a response na nairalanders she want make we teach her james bond. Shebi na me wan help her get company file find the man wife number?

Later when she has ignored all this and married him they will fill nairaland with pity parties scaring younger ones off marriage.

duwop:
So does anyone know if companies keep spousal records?

There is really no point bothering yourself looking for information
He is the one who should be giving you that information without you even having to ask him
Even if you end up marrying him, how will you both communicate important issues?
As for tracking down the other woman . . . .why would you want to do something like that? Dont put yourself that low. She may have moved on, besides, it wont change anything and if your fiance wont tell you anything, then why should she?

I know that breakups are hard, but if you were to be honest to yourself, the odds arent looking too good and you cant really build anything substantial on such a shaky foundation

Have you met these parents that were so against the other lady? do they like you? or he hasnt bothere introducing you to them. How do you even know that he is telling you the truth about the "no family engagement" . . you were not there so you dont even know if thats the truth