'I’d Rather go to Hell for Telling the Truth'

“I am gay. And God loves me.”


Rev. Dr. Daniel Meeter asked me to repeat those words as we walked and talked in Prospect Park in Brooklyn. Rev. Meeter was my field education supervisor during my final year at Princeton Theological Seminary. He is a progressive White pastor of a congregation that is part of the Reformed Church of America. As he encouraged me to repeat those words, I thought, “this man can’t be saved.”

As a product of Black churches—formerly a member of the Church of God in Christ (COGIC), baptized in “Jesus’s name” at an Apostolic church, attendee of a tongues-speaking, foot-stomping holiness church in my childhood—I was convinced that God despised and would deliver me from the “spirit of homosexuality” that seemingly had its grip on me. 

Despite the fact that I left the Church after being suspended from ministerial preparation at the last church of which I was a member, I was still scarred so deeply that Rev. Meeters’ words seemed to be paradoxical. I could not believe, even then—even after having nearly finished seminary, God loved (gay) me.

That is why I was not surprised when a video of a self-proclaimed ex-gay COGIC member lauding his newfound attraction to women, in front of thousands, at the denomination’s 107thHoly Convocation was widely circulated in social media. While I was never bold enough to publicly denounce my queerness, I did so in private, often.

Yet, I have always been physically and, at some points in my life, emotionally, attracted to males. Sex with other males didn’t feel wrong—until it was over and I was debilitated by guilt to the point that I would earnestly pray for forgiveness. Loving other men didn’t feel wrong—until I would sit in church under the sound of some preacher’s sermon warning me that liars, cheaters, backsliders, and homosexuals didn’t have a chance at making it into heaven. And if, at the time, the homophobic sermonizing deadened my spirit, my unwavering belief in the self-hating theology I was taught nearly killed me, literally. I really really loved God, but I felt as if I was never able to suppress my attraction and love for other men such that God, or the Church, would be pleased enough to love me back.

There was something confounding about the ways certain pastors and church goers would demonstrate care—make sure I would eat while broke in college, push me in moments when I felt socially dejected, repeat how much they loved and supported me, shout and shed tears after I would sing—all while offering affirming “amens” almost every time a word was preached reminding us “God hates the sin (of homosexuality), but loves the sinner.” It confused me when I would preach to others about God’s love while experiencing God’s hate in the form of anti-homosexual sermons and prayer lines where saints would rebuke gay and lesbian demons.

One well-known evangelist who was the visiting preacher at the COGIC church I attended, for example, stated she’d rather her son be a “crackhead” than a homosexual. Actually, she never said the word “homosexual.” She lifted up a limp wrist, instead. The church went up in high praise after. I was devastated. Surely, the preaching woman who was assigned the title of “evangelist” in a denomination that doesn’t believe women should be ordained had to know something about oppression?

Once I stood anxiously, as I always did, in a prayer line waiting my turn. I really believed that if I demonstrated enough faith and if I took control over my fleshly desires God would deliver me from my gayness. So, I waited in line, full of faith, and received the prayer offered on my behalf. I received the preacher’s harsh rebuke of the spirit of homosexuality that he and I thought was ravaging my life. I received the hands placed firmly on my head, which were used to push me down on the ground until I was alone, under a pew, and crying with spit dripping out of my mouth. It didn’t work and I wasn’t sure if the failure had something to do with the prophet’s lack of power or my lack of faith, but I still loved and was attracted to the man I was seeing at the time.

There were also the many moments when, after all of the prayers and tongues and shouting and faith offerings and fasting, I contemplated suicide. I figured that nothing could be more painfully tormenting than the “hell” I was experiencing on earth. What more could perpetual burning do to my soul than the everyday scorn I had been experiencing had already achieved? I hated myself. And that every-second type of self-denigration was punishment enough.

Years would pass before I was able to love myself more than my church members, former pastors, and even God supposedly loved me. It’s complicated because the churches I attended were spaces where my spirit was healed and killed. In fact, some of the worshipping spaces I attended were home to some of the most caring people who just happened to proclaim uncaring theologies. But I had to leave toxic worshipping spaces, and friendships, which had me believing lies. I had to separate myself from church leaders and parishioners who apparently “loved” me so much they felt the need to torment me with bad theology as opposed to allowing me space to live a full and loving life, with integrity, surrounded by affirmative people. The price of gaining entrance into their “heaven” would have been hefty, costing both my life and soul, had I stayed and believed their words.

It would take years before I would be able to pray to God my truth. I recall proclaiming, “If ‘hell’ will be my lot for telling and living my truth, then I guess that is where I will need to go. If you expect integrity, it doesn’t seem logical that a lie will grant me entry into heaven.”

My mom, who sat before me, when I fearfully disclosed my sexuality some time later affirmed me by sharing, “If folk don’t love you, they don’t deserve to be in your life.” I took her words to heart. And I took them as a reference for God, too.

It would take time and healing before I began to understand hell as fictitious, and if it exists, to be that which we create right here on earth. And even more time and healing to consider the ways we create gods to maintain power and to control people’s lives, bodies, money, passions, beliefs, and yearnings.

And, yet, here I am today: a self-loving gay Black man who once loved the church even while hating himself, a proud-to-be-in-his-skin Black gay man who left the church to save himself who can finally repeat with conviction the words Rev. Meeter challenged me to repeat seven years ago: I am gay. And God loves me.




http://www.ebony.com/news-views/id-rather-go-to-hell-for-telling-the-truth-043#ixzz3IzJn9spu

Someday we wouldn't have to announce to the world that we're gay, as people would have become more accepting and tolerant, and wouldn't need to look at you funny when they come to know about your orientation.

Till then...

God loves everybody. No exceptions

masonkz:
Someday we wouldn't have to announce to the world that we're gay, as people would have become more accepting and tolerant, and wouldn't need to look at you funny when they come to know about your orientation.

Till then...

True that. buh religion is really the bane of homophobic attacks such as we witness everyday both in real life and on social media.
That's why this article is put out there for any1 suffering the kinds of pain that this man had to go through .
Churches are suppose to preach love and acceptance not hate and condemnation.

Cc: virginfinder,dinachi,2sa2,mrsanity,kemgox

ubenedictus,elampiro,Kay17,
Chukwudi44,italo,gidjah,syncan,vest new improved FirstEVA ,okparajesus et al...just a quick question ,should we have allowed that young man above to die because he's gay and self-loathing on himself?

You and gay matter, hian.

firstEVA:
You and gay matter, hian.

E Pele ma!

beryl04:


True that. buh religion is really the bane of homophobic attacks such as we witness everyday both in real life and on social media.
That's why this article is put out there for any1 suffering the kinds of pain that this man had to go through .
Churches are suppose to preach love and acceptance not hate and condemnation.

Cc: virginfinder,dinachi,2sa2,mrsanity,kemgox

ubenedictus,elampiro,Kay17,
Chukwudi44,italo,gidjah,syncan,vest new improved FirstEVA ,okparajesus et al...just a quick question ,should we have allowed that young man above to die because he's gay and self-loathing on himself?

I have not read it fully yet. But come to think of it. There are preaching against prostitution, adultery, fornication, masturbation and other sexual related sins. In the bible, all these are sins. The church is built on the gospel. I see no reason why anyone would take offence when there are preaching against these sins. Where does he/she thinks she is, a strip club?

elampiro:


I have not read it fully yet. But come to think of it. There are preaching against prostitution, adultery, fornication, masturbation and other sexual related sins. In the bible, all these are sins. The church is built on the gospel. I see no reason why anyone would take offence when there are preaching against these sins. Where does he/she thinks she is, a strip club?

Homosexuality is not a sin as it's not just a decision u make over-night.people are born gay and they should be free to live normal lives without condemnation.
All those 'sins' u mentioned up there are choices one makes in life as one can decide tomorrow to leave those things .
People in committed same-sex relationships shud not be condemned,they should be encouraged !

elampiro:


I have not read it fully yet. But come to think of it. There are preaching against prostitution, adultery, fornication, masturbation and other sexual related sins. In the bible, all these are sins. The church is built on the gospel. I see no reason why anyone would take offence when there are preaching against these sins. Where does he/she thinks she is, a strip club?

Homosexuality is not a sin as it's not just a decision u make over-night.people are born gay and they should be free to live normal lives without condemnation.
All those 'sins' u mentioned up there are choices one makes in life as one can decide tomorrow to leave those things .
People in committed same-sex relationships shud not be condemned,they should be encouraged !
But I'll prefer u read the whole article though.

beryl04:



Homosexuality is not a sin as it's not just a decision u make over-night.people are born gay and they should be free to live normal lives without condemnation.
All those 'sins' u mentioned up there are choices one makes in life as one can decide tomorrow to leave those things .
People in committed same-sex relationships shud not be condemned,they should be encouraged !
But I'll prefer u read the whole article though.

The bible says it's a sin. The church was formed from the bible.

I have also read many circular reports which say it's unnatural.

Even Jesus was gay.

beryl04:



Homosexuality is not a sin as it's not just a decision u make over-night.people are born gay and they should be free to live normal lives without condemnation.
All those 'sins' u mentioned up there are choices one makes in life as one can decide tomorrow to leave those things .
People in committed same-sex relationships shud not be condemned,they should be encouraged !
But I'll prefer u read the whole article though.

Did u jst say homosexuality is not a sin...its very clear u dont read the bible,,simply pick up a bible and read leviticus 20:13 and deuteronomy 22:5....

Iceg:





Did u jst say homosexuality is not a sin...its very clear u dont read the bible,,simply pick up a bible and read leviticus 20:13 and deuteronomy 22:5....

Why do you guys pick and chose from the Bible?

But your pastors will never mention this one :

Leviticus 20:9King James Version (KJV)

9 For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him.

Leviticus 21:9New International Version (NIV)

9 “‘If a priest’s daughter defiles herself by becoming a prostitute, she disgraces her father; she must be burned in the fire.

ifeness:


Why do you guys pick and chose from the Bible?

But your pastors will never mention this one :

Leviticus 20:9King James Version (KJV)

9 For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him.

Leviticus 21:9New International Version (NIV)

9 “‘If a priest’s daughter defiles herself by becoming a prostitute, she disgraces her father; she must be burned in the fire.

If ur pastor doesnt mention all what u wrote doesnt mean other pastor's dont....and all what you wrote even the worst pagan knows abt it...

ifeness:
Even Jesus was gay.

May God forgive u ,,,and may you find salvation b4 its too late.

Iceg:






May God forgive u ,,,and may you find salvation b4 its too late.

There is no God,and salvation from what exactly? I'm not stuck in a car or anything.

Iceg:





If ur pastor doesnt mention all what u wrote doesnt mean other pastor's dont....and all what you wrote even the worst pagan knows abt it...

Pastor A.K.A criminal/lair? I don't associate with any,sorry.

ifeness:


There is no God,and salvation from what exactly? I'm not stuck in a car or anything.

kkk...lets assume there is no God,,,hw did this world come to be hw did u come into existence? And after u die where are u going to since u said there is no God

Iceg:





kkk...lets assume there is no God,,,hw did this world come to be hw did u come into existence? And after u die where are u going to since u said there is no God

Well i can assure you that your god is not intelligent enough to create world like this. The world has no creator. And when die,i will be back to how i used to be.

Iceg:





kkk...lets assume there is no God,,,hw did this world come to be hw did u come into existence? And after u die where are u going to since u said there is no God

Kkk...so u really believe that d world was created in 7days?

beryl04:



Kkk...so u really believe that d world was created in 7days?

yexx .....y not? he his God not man..anyting is possible with God.......are u an atheist?.

Iceg:





Did u jst say homosexuality is not a sin...its very clear u dont read the bible,,simply pick up a bible and read leviticus 20:13 and deuteronomy 22:5....

Homosexuality is not a sin just like heterosexuality is not a sin.
The bible was written by humans like u and I .and it's not every law in d bible that humans of today keep.

Iceg:



yexx .....y not? he his God not man..anyting is possible with God.......are u an atheist?.

I am a Christian who applies logical thinking to my belief.

Axiel,scaredsilent,mobjective

Cc: Axiel,scaredsilent,mobjective,wahneetah,
klinee,
Rilamaka,Dicksucker(follow back)
Cutehector4u,padeolu,
Pweetixandy

beryl04:
Cc: Axiel,scaredsilent,mobjective,wahneetah,
klinee,
Rilamaka,Dicksucker(follow back)
Cutehector4u,padeolu,
Pweetixandy

Are you not supposed to be an atheist? You are sick bruv, get help!

Any gay who tink his gayish enough to come to d street of nigeria and identify himslf and see what will happen...I so much hate dem coz dey re sick pple and they all live lik rats...fuckin sick pple

Iceg:



yexx .....y not? he his God not man..anyting is possible with God.......are u an atheist?.

brother don't waste ur time arguing with an atheist please leave dem to their faith but my prayers is dat that dey encounter GOD in an unusual way

Iceg:





kkk...lets assume there is no God,,,hw did this world come to be hw did u come into existence? And after u die where are u going to since u said there is no God

Kkk. You don't need to tell me how i came to existence.
Science already explains that.

Kkk.. What's the proof there's ur God and he truly created universe?

buchisom1:
Any gay who tink his gayish enough to come to d street of nigeria and identify himslf and see what will happen...I so much hate dem coz dey re sick pple and they all live lik rats...fuckin sick pple

The way u're sick and Bleep ur sick girlfriend.
Fool

onyeomaonyeoma:
brother don't waste ur time arguing with an atheist please leave dem to their faith but my prayers is dat that dey encounter GOD in an unusual way

Cool. I also pray u encounter knowledge in an unsual way and no that ur God doesn't exist.

Thanks for this link. Many Nigerian Gays need to see this. God loves you no matter what.